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Thank you for this gesture. I lost almost everything. Job, 7-year relationship, my mental health. Feeling that I'm not only alone but inadequate to have a lif
by abzug 5y ago
Thank you for this gesture.
I lost almost everything. Job, 7-year relationship, my mental health.
Feeling that I'm not only alone but inadequate to have a life like anybody else.
I'm still alive, so there's that.
- sillysaurusx 5y agoI think if you're posting this to HN, you want to talk to someone about all of this. I happen to like hearing about your life, so please feel free to DM me any time. https://twitter.com/theshawwn https://twitter.com/theshawwn Happy to just listen. No advice.
- blip54321 5y agoIt's a kind offer. I will mention that I suspect many people going through this won't be comfortable with Twitter as the means of communications....
- lisper 5y agoI'm happy to "listen" via email. Follow the link in my profile to find my contact info. Put "HN" in the subject line to get past my spam filter.
- SCUSKU 5y ago+1 — This wonderful man helped me and listened via twitter DMs when I was in a rut.
- asxd 5y agoIt's amazing how helpful it can be to have a sounding board. This is a very nice gesture.
- ayoubElk 5y agoThis too, shall pass. Going through tough times sucks, but it's extremely helpful to keep in mind that it will eventually pass. Stay strong.
- gigatexal 5y agoDang! That’s tough! How are you coping? You good?
- abzug 5y agoI'll be lying if I tell that I'm good. In 2022 I'll study to become a programmer. Focus on algorithms, data structures, and try to learn math (I'm very math illiterate, I don't know anything beyond basic arithmetic). So at least by this time next year I'll have more knowledge.
- gigatexal 5y agoThat’s so dope. More power to you! It is good to have hobbies outside of tech and programming too. I find when I’m stuck doing something else helps me figure stuff out. And it helps to prevent burnout.
- vorticalbox 5y agoI wish you the best of luck.
- abzug 5y agoThanks.
- thom 5y agoSounds like a great plan! Any way we here could help you out with some books or something?
- abzug 5y agoSince I'm focusing on the job market, I'm collecting resources to learn C++. From what I gathered the best beginner book is Bjarne Stroustrup's Programming: Principles and Practice Using C++, which I think it'll be good since it's a programming book that uses C++ and not a book solely about C++. But I'm open to any advice.
- Cloudef 5y agoSorry to hear that. Hopefully things turn around for the good for you :(
- crossroadsguy 5y agoYou were able to have a seven year long relationship. People spend their thirties or more without being in even one. I have tried and the best I could manage was 2 years. Second best was 4 months. At least according to me you definitely are not inadequate :)
- ejanus 5y agoPerfect!
- Aeolun 5y agoMaybe a bit of both? If my relationship is going on the rocks I’d rather it happen after 4 months or 2 years than after 7.
- wobblybubble 5y agoI’m like OP except that I have not had a romantic relationship as an adult (I’m in my thirties). What OP brought up is what I think about the most: that I am too inadequate to just have a normal life. Just going to work is a little painful since I have to (over)hear everyone else talking about their normal lives.
- wruza 5y agoI lost some parts of my mental health too after two last years (unrelated to global “events”, and partly due to a failed relationship). Idk if it makes it easier, but you’re faaar from alone in it. Just live through the biggest of this, because when things clump up they feel much worse than they are.
- mahathu 5y agoGoing by your username, are you German as well? I'm also going through a breakup right now, albeit from a shorter relationship. I was happy to spend Christmas with my sister to have some illusion of a functional family, it was nice. It feels unbearable at times but I try to find solace in the fact the world is so vast and full of opportunity and so much more than what you're (I am) able to see in the current moment. Your plan to study to become a programmer sounds great and you'll be in a much different place in a year than you are now. Hope you can pull through until then.
- abzug 5y agoNot german, just love the Kraftwerk song.
- koonsolo 5y agoHang in there! I also had a dark period some years back. Such things can sure mess with your ego and make you feel like a loser. On the other hand, when you hit rock bottom, there is not much left to lose. You can start building up your life again the way you want.
- sidcool 5y agoStay strong. I don't know your circumstances, but it's never too late to forgive or to ask for forgiveness. It's never too late to accept or redeem yourself. Merry Christmas, bro/sis.
- ejanus 5y agoKeep living tomorrow will be better.
- AviationAtom 5y agoYou can't always control much in life, but one thing I've learned that you can always control is perspective. Sometimes it's nice to be the "This Is Fine" dog, blissfully ignoring all that isn't right, and focusing on what is (that cup-o-joe in front of you?) Doing that can help when awaiting calmer seas. Hang in there. I think the past two years have been rough for many, so you aren't alone in the struggles. If you haven't already gotten diet and exercise to a good point then that can also be good for helping both the body and the mind. Additionally, I'm always up for a chat, if anyone ever needs someone to reach out to.
- cseleborg 5y agoHang in there! Mental health is serious business, I hope you have a good professional you can turn to. Programming is a great distractions, as others have pointed out. Make sure you don't use it to completely displace the pain you're feeling. You need to spend some time with it as well, that's how we humans deal with an it. Alternating between moments of distraction and periods of "dealing" is a good middle way, I think. You're a great human being, never forget that.
- abzug 5y agoI just want to do something to move on.
- framecowbird 5y agoThis is great advice, I often use programming to distract myself from some pain or other. It can be a useful tool but can also become a long-term avoidance which isn't healthy.
- XIVMagnus 5y agoBeing single is a blessing on its own, merry xmas!
- hsavit1 5y agoit shouldn't be required to have a social circle to enjoy the holiday season, if people truly extended christmas greetings and cheer to others around them. unfortunately since the 1950s, christmas has evolved into a commercial and transactional affair.
- Cyril_HN 5y agoSame here but it's a 5 year relationship. Similar feelings... With a persistent, almost frustrating sense of hope for the future that seems more deeply rooted inside of me than any actual plan to build from zero again. You're not alone in that experience. Which isn't information that has helped me at all. Except that I at least believe that others have been here and scrambled blindly and made it somehow too, so why not us?
- headmelted 5y agoI realise you didn’t post this looking for advice (and I apologise if this is unwelcome), but if I can relate one small thing from my own personal mental health nadir: Walk. Outdoors. In the greenest place you can find. No, it won’t change anything that you’ve been through, but it really will help you to quiet everything for a small chunk of time to let your mind get a rest from it. Please don’t ever think you’re inadequate. No-one, not even you, as any idea what might be waiting in your future :-)
- abzug 5y agoNo need to apologize. Thanks for the help and kind words.
- sfjailbird 5y agoTo add to this great advice, if you feel lazy to start, get a good audio book and listen as you walk. It becomes a kind of reward for going for a walk, you get a chapter or two of a great book.
- mdip 5y agoI'll second this advice: I can't walk alone when I'm depressed. The quieting effect of being alone just causes my mind to go crazy with all of my problems. An audio book at that time, however, is a great solution. Audio books, for me, can't occupy my entire mind. I can't sit and listen to an audio book. At the same time, they occupy enough of my mind that I can't do other mentally intense things and pay attention to the book at the same time. I had used them for driving, yard work, and other boring tasks to quiet the noise in my head and the feeling of boredom[0] that the task occupies. When walking with a good audio book, I can observe the world without the noise of my circumstances and it really is a peaceful exercise. [0] For me, boredom drives depression.
- johndubchak 5y agoI would agree. The saying, "Idle hands are the devils playground" can be appropriated as, "An idle mind is the fertile soil of the depressed." Although the reality is the mind is anything but idle for those predisposed to depression. The rumination, negative thought patterns and self-critical thoughts are worse than a prison sentence of solitary confinement. For those who may not understand this, imagine standing over a 5 year old constantly berating them, in a horrifically negative way, for every action they take, good or bad. Now imagine the effects of that over years or decades.
- whalesalad 5y agoHave you familiarized yourself with Complex-PTSD? You’re just as worthy of life on this earth as anything else. Hang in there!
- swat535 5y agoI was exactly in your situation 2 years ago (at the start of COVID) and I know what you're going through. I'm not going to tell you to "stay strong" , emotions are a natural thing and should not be suppressed and it's ok to be vulnerable. However, there are a few things that helped me get through the dark times, I am writing them below in the hopes that you may find them useful: 1. Exercise, this is absolutely critical. If you have never done it, it's ok, Julian has a great guide to get started: https://www.julian.com/guide/muscle/intro https://www.julian.com/guide/muscle/intro but there are also lots of guides online. 2. Nutrition is another one, stay away from junk food. Your brain will try to find comfort in high calorie / sugary foods, don't let it win. Eat vegetables and proteins instead. 3. Sleep is a tough one, but also important. Do whatever you need to sleep (exercising will help a lot). Your brain will keep you up at night, learn to recognize this pattern and avoid it when you can. 4. Make a plan. Grab a blank sheet of paper and think of one goal you would like to accomplish, then make the task into smaller sub tasks and from there derive a schedule for achieving it. This will help you stay productive and improve your state of mind. 5. Research. This oddly helped me a lot, I started researching psychology, relationships, listened to "dating" advice (I know.. some speakers were good, some were trash but I enjoyed them nonetheless), TED talks, books, etc. 6. Join communities. If you're an introvert like I am, this is difficult at first but you can start slow. I did this slowly, made a few friends online, then worked up the courage to join discord, then started messaging some of my old friends on Facebook, then had some phone calls and eventually met people face to face (whenever COVID restrictions would allow of course) 7. Don't reach out to your ex, when she/he calls you (and they will) don't respond, avoid contact with their families, don't read old messages, delete their picture, etc Trust me, you have been shot with high caliber rounds right now, you need to heal and they will only get in the way of it.
- dqpb 5y agoYou’re not alone, but you are unique. You’re existence is the only thing that can compute what comes next on this trajectory. There is a space of possibilities ahead of you that never have and never will be available to anyone else, ever. As such, you are infinitely and uniquely valuable.
- jliptzin 5y agoDon’t feel like a failure over the relationship. Remember the default state of relationships is failure, well over 50% break up or the couple is miserable but still stay together anyway for various reasons. Try to learn from any mistakes you made when you get into the next one.
- garyrob 5y agoI had some absolutely miserable times, which your comment reminds me of, when I was in my 20's. I'm 65 now, and my two grown kids have come to stay with my wife and my for Christmas. We played a board game for hours last night, like when they were young, and had lots of laughter together... My point is that what you're going through will pass. It does take work; so keep up doing the things you know must be done to move your life ahead. You have received lots of good advice in this thread; I don't need to say more (except one thing I will add at the end). Do what you need to do, and this period will be over, and life will be good. My one piece of advice is that I've found meditation is very helpful. It enables me to let go of negative thinking that arises from painful times decades ago, when those thoughts do arise. It's a very important part of my life now.
- markdjacobsen 5y agoI'm sorry you're going through this. I went through a dark night of the soul a few years ago amidst some professional setbacks. More recently, I've been on the edge of losing my 17-year marriage; we are still exploring whether reconciliation is possible. The vulnerability, honesty, and goodwill in threads like this always warms my heart and bolsters my faith in humanity. I'll offer my own contribution. I wrote a deeply personal book called "Eating Glass" about navigating these seasons when everything seems to fall apart. I mention it from time to time on HN when I think it could be helpful, but today I'll just post the entire book for free: https://s3.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/com.markdjacobsen/Eating+Glass.pdf https://s3.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/com.markdjacobsen/Eating+.... My passion is just to help others walking similar journeys. Consider it a resource if it's helpful. I wish you well on your own journey, and everyone else going through similar experiences.
- dpweb 5y agoAlone also, and that's ok. Don't be afraid to seek out help when you need it.
- 29athrowaway 5y agoMy philosophy is to try to make an effort to make the best decisions you can make given what's available to you: your values, information and resources. When you live your life trying your best, you will be able to tell your future self that you did the best you could given each situation, and have no regrets. Why? because even if your decision was mistaken, it was the best decision you could have made at that time.
- KrishnaShripad 5y agoMay all good things come your way!
- hmate9 5y agoMerry Christmas to you fellow HN stranger <3
- apatters 5y agoEmployee, significant other, these are roles we may adopt at certain stages in our lives, but they're certainly not everything. They represent only a fraction of your potential. Another way to look at things is that you've just gained a tremendous amount of agency. You're no longer required to perform these roles. There are surely dreams or opportunities out there which you wanted to pursue but were never able to. Take whatever amount of time you feel is appropriate to grieve, it's very normal to experience distress in the face of radical change. Then pursue them. There won't be many times in your life when you're presented with a clean slate like this.
- mdip 5y agoYou are not alone; at least,... your struggles are shared. I haven't lost the job, but lost an 8-year relationship at the beginning of the month (about 7 days before my birthday). I'm guessing your mental health issues might originate from those events, or maybe not; I can't speak to those, personally -- I'm experiencing my share of depression, but I know it's because of my circumstances. You're still alive, but you probably don't feel like you're living. Maybe life is becoming a bit like getting from one difficult thing to the next. And those "things" aren't anything that is normally difficult, but feels overwhelming. I've both been there recently and have been there, in the past. It's tough and my heart goes out to you. Most advice is bad so here comes mine: get from one thing to the next for a little while. Take the time. You need it. And understand one thing: you're not special[0]. Whatever mistakes you're beating yourself up over many, many others have made and experienced the same or worse circumstances. The very vast majority overcome those mistakes, and many do it without medication, doctors or other treatment[1]. And then there's "later" -- whatever that is: During a divorce group meeting a gentleman said something that greatly affected my life: Whether its winning the lottery or becoming a quadriplegic, the happiness of both individuals looks pretty similar a year later. Neither have ever happened to me, but in my own life, that 1-year rule was something that time-and-again proved to be true. And my timeline is typically 3-4 months, not one year. As they say, "this too shall pass". I've lost a great job in the past. I found a better one. I lost a pretty rough relationship, not by choice, to the point that I'm not interested in doing that again. I hate being alone[2], but I know that the sting will fade and I'll start dating, again. And I know there's someone who will want to share life with me in a way that is more fulfilling than my former relationship was. Easily the biggest factor, for me, was re-discovering my Christian faith. I realize there aren't a lot of us in this place and I'm not interested in being preachy -- to each his own -- but its really the only thing I can credit with getting me through a really rough tragedy about a decade ago. It wasn't "being surrounded by other caring people at church" which caused me to be less lonely or made my life better because of that. I don't put myself out there very easily. I didn't know anyone at my church and didn't meet anyone until well after those circumstances passed. It was prayers, all of which were answered, several of which were answered in ways that I refer to them as miracles. Yeah, yeah, I can explain them as coincidences, too. They're not but I'm not going to attempt to defend that. The only other bit of advice I'd offer is stay as far away from alcohol or other mind altering substances as much as you can. One of the ways out is finding a purpose for your life to replace the ones you've lost. This will be impossible if you add another layer of resistance on top of the problems you already have. You lost. You're not a loser. You had a 7-year relationship. You had a job. Those came from something you did and you probably had far more success in those places than you had failure, but you won't be able to see that clearly right now. I'm praying for you and your circumstances. This time of year really amplifies loneliness. I'm right here with you. Merry Christmas! [0] I chose that word intentionally, not insultingly. When I'm depressed it's easy to feel like I'm the only one who's going through what I'm going through and that I'm uniquely cursed. Somehow using the word "special" to describe that situation makes it seem a little less difficult. [1] I'm not saying don't do this -- I see a psychologist, regularly, now and have been doing that for a few years. Finding a good psychologist changed my life and it might help you, too. I only mention this because it helps to get past the whole "I'm too depressed to call a doctor/doctors, so I'm going to be stuck here forever". [2] To clarify: I like alone time, I don't like "being alone". My family all lives pretty far away, I have few friends close by, I have a 3-bedroom house with "just me", I have my children part-time. I spend a lot of time stuck with my thoughts these days, but comparing today to 3 weeks ago, I'm happy a lot of the time now -- maybe most of the time.
- apbytes 5y agoHang in there! And to add to what others have said, I found it extremely helpful to stay away from sad music, romantic shows, etc. until you feel strong again. And keep your body moving!
- andrei_says_ 5y agoGlad you’re alive. Another virtual hug from a stranger on the internet.
- sizzle 5y agoI’m sorry, what was the nature of what caused you to lose all of this, so we can learn from it and possibly avoid catastrophe?
- mbrodersen 5y agoThat hit me hard. I am not in the same position at all but can feel what it must feel like. I have been in a few really bad situations in the past and strangely what helped me was realising that I had hit rock bottom but was still breathing and capable of doing things. So things could only get better.
- jaeyson 5y agoTough life right there @abzug. we're here: here's another virtual hug from another country.