4 ms·

I am going through it right now too. Very short background: * Wife abusive from the beginning * Sexless marriage as she refused * Beating herself up for yea

I am going through it right now too. Very short background: * Wife abusive from the beginning * Sexless marriage as she refused * Beating herself up for years * She's not earning (highly qualified) * Did not take care of child or home either * Tried to frame me however I figured and escaped * Living separately now * She filed false and frivolous violence complaint against me * Not letting me meet my child * Court granted overly high alimony/maintenance to her * Lawsuits running delayed due to the pandemic * She is failing to supply evidence for her case * Is not even honoring prior court orders * I have and am diligently filing everything * Lot more has happened, above is just a summary Yet, the system is failing to do due diligence and is so far against me nevertheless. I do have good lawyers helping. I can connect with many comments here on the OP, some of which say that no action is taken against women even if it is proven that they were blatantly lying. I am facing degradation of cognitive abilities due to prolonged stress, some of which seem permanent. I am losing trust over the legal system. Marriage as a notion itself feels wrong. I have little interest left in life other than wishing for justice and taking care of the teenage child. Thoughts of suicide come and go. I have been taking professional help. Separately: * I am very reputed in my circles for my honesty and talents and am seen as a role model. * They share quotes from self-help books -- That it's all meant for good ultimately, trouble is intended by the divine to strengthen good people, it's a beautiful life after all. * I do recognize that many people are worse off with not even food to eat.

mensetmanusman 5y ago
Sorry that you are going through this, life is full of hardship, and divorce is a facet of death itself. “ Marriage as a notion itself feels wrong.” The notion of marriage has fractured into cultural subgroups as it has been redefined over the last century. One of the more interesting stats to me is that young people today don’t even put children in the top ten reasons for marriage like they did just 40 years ago. I’m wondering which of the notions of marriage you feel seem wrong.
- throwaway_sjfgd 5y ago
  Per what I know and have read: The emotional aspects of love last about seven years. After that, pragmatics and mutual understanding need to take over. We have invented the notion of marriage and seem to have overturned what nature may have intended to be. Marriages predate written history. I cannot be sure what led to the concept, however, I can guess. I have read that non-monogamy is more common in the world than what most people realize. It seems to me that when the notion of marriage was brought in, people would have needed brainwashing into it. I see several cultural aspects around marriages, some still being followed, that hint this. Then, of course, is the welfare of the children which is critically important. I am chosing not to write more, but have perhaps hinted upon my viewpoints on this topic.
  - throwaway211116 5y ago
    Non-monogamous societies have solved welfare of children in different ways. I am not able to say if any method of taking care of children is better. On the other hand, monogamy absolutely had a massive impact on STD reduction in a world with absolutely no notion of medicine.
    - throwaway_sjfgd 5y ago
      Agreed. A question I have is if the STD issue mentioned still valid, as a motivation for monogamy?
      - deleted 5y ago
        [deleted]
      - throwaway211116 5y ago
        I am not qualified to answer. I would tentatively say, decreasingly so. The issue, as I see it, is that although we have preventive measures and prophylactics and treatments (all imperfect), we do not yet have a culture of responsibility and building such a culture is hard. Theoretically we could compensate for the deficiencies of our medicine, through social responsibility. In reality this does not happen. The clearest proof is the behavior of people during the Covid pandemic. Covid Zero was only achieved in a few countries. Human society is not mature enough to be responsible. Monogamy (with regards to STDs) is like social isolation for Covid and has the same strengths and weaknesses. In the case of STDs this would mean pervasive use of testing, condoms, dental dams, etc.. Apparently the porn industry gets tested very frequently because for them an STD represents lost income. The general population not so much. When was the last time you heard of someone using a dental dam during a one night stand? It should mean a push for testing from dating apps. It would mean that someone who has an affair should actually warn the cheated partner, instead of waiting for symptoms to appear. These responsible behaviors do not happen, or at least are not as common as they should be. As long social responsibility is not a viable solution, the only solution left is developing vaccines. On this side progress is being made, but it is slow. If either solution is achieved, the potential for STDs becomes irrelevant in the choice of preferred *gamy. Note that monogamy is far from foolproof. Cheating happens, a lot. Also you can get infected through means other than sex and then transmit the disease via sex. Personally I believe humans do not hate disease enough to care. I support a strategy of genocide against harmful microbes. Nothing less than complete extermination will be satisfactory.
vmception 5y ago
I want to ask you about this, in hindsight do you think it would work better for your mental health if you didn't care as much? Like, I can read this and see that alimony is a persistent threat and reality that comes as a byproduct of being successful in my aspirations. I can just assume that it is in my future if I pursue certain kinds of relationships. 30-50% of marriages fail (the lower bound being more applicable when removing teenagers and military), and marriage contracts have shitty conditions to them. It would be a shitty contract with shitty probabilities even if only 5-10% of them failed, thats a high risk for anything with any financial component. So I can just assume that I'll periodically file some stuff that lawyers ask for, just as a routine matter with no expectation of benefit from the legal system. But it doesn't have to cause me any mental consternation or stress, because it isn't unexpected. Would that approach have helped you?
- throwaway_sjfgd 5y ago
  I am (trying) doing that all along, and there is no other option anyway. So the question you have is not really applicable. Notes on why one can't just 'not care' for mental health: * Prior to separation, it could not be ignored as it used to happen nearly daily, which for me involved her beating herself up badly, shouting at the max of her voice, with my child also seeing all that and feeling helpless. Those around and the lawyers told me that if the wife makes any false allegation against me, I'll be doomed for a long time. And it has ultimately gone that route. (One should not ideally let it get this bad, exit timely, etc., however it is not that straightforward in practice.) * With the lawsuits going on, there is a lot of work involved. It's more than a fulltime job in itself along with the usual fulltime job. This is because the wife just makes random false claims, which does not even require them to think. It's the defendent who has to research and file documents to show that she is making lies. Even with no expectation of benefit from the legal system, it needs to be done anyways as the situation would only be worse if not done. While in theory it's 'innocent until proven guilty', that does not mean in practice that the hard work is before the wife. The hard work is still before the husband. So even if you try to, you cannot ignore the legal work that continues and brings functional stress. * There is a moral responsibility towards the welfare of the child. So just letting go does not fit. * I see many men give up. They yield to the unjust and frivolous demands of the wife to avoid the above stresses. Giving up encourages more women and their unscrupolous lawyers to do the same, which would go on to make lives of other people worse. Hence, there is a moral responsibility to keep trying hard for justice for sake of others as well. * Even if one is able to mentally let go of what is happening, there are things missing from life, which I sorely miss. Psychology research only says that it's very tough and leads to depression, etc. I have myself read a lot besides having professional help. If someone were to ask me "If you know and understand so much, are wise, how come you are still in so much pain?", my answer, because even the theory says so. Not easy to circumvent the theory! * And so on.
MisterTea 5y ago
> Wife abusive from the beginning People who get into these relationships always paint themselves as victims when everyone around them knew it was a disaster from the beginning. I just don't understand how they get there unless they willingly ignore signs of bad behavior or they think they can fix or change people. That or they're just stupid. I have a coworker in a bad relationship that seems to be headed towards marriage. He even jokes about how he cant stand her manipulation, control and social gatekeeping yet he's still with her. I don't get it. He is good looking, educated, and living independent with a career. He can easily find someone better. But no. He has to stand in the back of the venue with her pouting about how much his favorite band sucks while they play because he invited a single girl friend along for me to meet. You reap what you sew.
- _albk 5y ago
  Hindsight. I couldn’t see it until the relationship was severed. I’m not stupid, but I tried to save it up until the final day while those around us were taking bets on when it would end. 19 years of life are… poof. I missed out on doing things I think I would have liked to because of “love”. And I still care/worry for her.
- 55555 5y ago
  He's in love, man. It makes you insane.
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
- mensetmanusman 5y ago
  It might be, but not always. Family member’s wife started experiencing gradually pronounced schizophrenia over a few years and she became abusive to her husband until it ended with a short stay in a mental institute and then medication. She still wonders who she was at that time… Some people suffer diabetes as they age, and more than you would guess start experiencing mental breakdown that can manifest as abuse to a partner.
  - MisterTea 5y ago
phendrenad2 5y ago
What is the alimony/ child support amount?
- throwaway_sjfgd 5y ago
  I am not sure if I have understood the question. I cannot disclose the detailed specifics of my case.

mensetmanusman 5y ago

Sorry that you are going through this, life is full of hardship, and divorce is a facet of death itself. “ Marriage as a notion itself feels wrong.” The notion of marriage has fractured into cultural subgroups as it has been redefined over the last century. One of the more interesting stats to me is that young people today don’t even put children in the top ten reasons for marriage like they did just 40 years ago. I’m wondering which of the notions of marriage you feel seem wrong.

throwaway_sjfgd 5y ago
Per what I know and have read: The emotional aspects of love last about seven years. After that, pragmatics and mutual understanding need to take over. We have invented the notion of marriage and seem to have overturned what nature may have intended to be. Marriages predate written history. I cannot be sure what led to the concept, however, I can guess. I have read that non-monogamy is more common in the world than what most people realize. It seems to me that when the notion of marriage was brought in, people would have needed brainwashing into it. I see several cultural aspects around marriages, some still being followed, that hint this. Then, of course, is the welfare of the children which is critically important. I am chosing not to write more, but have perhaps hinted upon my viewpoints on this topic.
- throwaway211116 5y ago
  Non-monogamous societies have solved welfare of children in different ways. I am not able to say if any method of taking care of children is better. On the other hand, monogamy absolutely had a massive impact on STD reduction in a world with absolutely no notion of medicine.
  - throwaway_sjfgd 5y ago
    Agreed. A question I have is if the STD issue mentioned still valid, as a motivation for monogamy?
    - deleted 5y ago
      [deleted]
    - throwaway211116 5y ago
      I am not qualified to answer. I would tentatively say, decreasingly so. The issue, as I see it, is that although we have preventive measures and prophylactics and treatments (all imperfect), we do not yet have a culture of responsibility and building such a culture is hard. Theoretically we could compensate for the deficiencies of our medicine, through social responsibility. In reality this does not happen. The clearest proof is the behavior of people during the Covid pandemic. Covid Zero was only achieved in a few countries. Human society is not mature enough to be responsible. Monogamy (with regards to STDs) is like social isolation for Covid and has the same strengths and weaknesses. In the case of STDs this would mean pervasive use of testing, condoms, dental dams, etc.. Apparently the porn industry gets tested very frequently because for them an STD represents lost income. The general population not so much. When was the last time you heard of someone using a dental dam during a one night stand? It should mean a push for testing from dating apps. It would mean that someone who has an affair should actually warn the cheated partner, instead of waiting for symptoms to appear. These responsible behaviors do not happen, or at least are not as common as they should be. As long social responsibility is not a viable solution, the only solution left is developing vaccines. On this side progress is being made, but it is slow. If either solution is achieved, the potential for STDs becomes irrelevant in the choice of preferred *gamy. Note that monogamy is far from foolproof. Cheating happens, a lot. Also you can get infected through means other than sex and then transmit the disease via sex. Personally I believe humans do not hate disease enough to care. I support a strategy of genocide against harmful microbes. Nothing less than complete extermination will be satisfactory.

vmception 5y ago

I want to ask you about this, in hindsight do you think it would work better for your mental health if you didn't care as much? Like, I can read this and see that alimony is a persistent threat and reality that comes as a byproduct of being successful in my aspirations. I can just assume that it is in my future if I pursue certain kinds of relationships. 30-50% of marriages fail (the lower bound being more applicable when removing teenagers and military), and marriage contracts have shitty conditions to them. It would be a shitty contract with shitty probabilities even if only 5-10% of them failed, thats a high risk for anything with any financial component. So I can just assume that I'll periodically file some stuff that lawyers ask for, just as a routine matter with no expectation of benefit from the legal system. But it doesn't have to cause me any mental consternation or stress, because it isn't unexpected. Would that approach have helped you?

throwaway_sjfgd 5y ago
I am (trying) doing that all along, and there is no other option anyway. So the question you have is not really applicable. Notes on why one can't just 'not care' for mental health: * Prior to separation, it could not be ignored as it used to happen nearly daily, which for me involved her beating herself up badly, shouting at the max of her voice, with my child also seeing all that and feeling helpless. Those around and the lawyers told me that if the wife makes any false allegation against me, I'll be doomed for a long time. And it has ultimately gone that route. (One should not ideally let it get this bad, exit timely, etc., however it is not that straightforward in practice.) * With the lawsuits going on, there is a lot of work involved. It's more than a fulltime job in itself along with the usual fulltime job. This is because the wife just makes random false claims, which does not even require them to think. It's the defendent who has to research and file documents to show that she is making lies. Even with no expectation of benefit from the legal system, it needs to be done anyways as the situation would only be worse if not done. While in theory it's 'innocent until proven guilty', that does not mean in practice that the hard work is before the wife. The hard work is still before the husband. So even if you try to, you cannot ignore the legal work that continues and brings functional stress. * There is a moral responsibility towards the welfare of the child. So just letting go does not fit. * I see many men give up. They yield to the unjust and frivolous demands of the wife to avoid the above stresses. Giving up encourages more women and their unscrupolous lawyers to do the same, which would go on to make lives of other people worse. Hence, there is a moral responsibility to keep trying hard for justice for sake of others as well. * Even if one is able to mentally let go of what is happening, there are things missing from life, which I sorely miss. Psychology research only says that it's very tough and leads to depression, etc. I have myself read a lot besides having professional help. If someone were to ask me "If you know and understand so much, are wise, how come you are still in so much pain?", my answer, because even the theory says so. Not easy to circumvent the theory! * And so on.

MisterTea 5y ago

> Wife abusive from the beginning People who get into these relationships always paint themselves as victims when everyone around them knew it was a disaster from the beginning. I just don't understand how they get there unless they willingly ignore signs of bad behavior or they think they can fix or change people. That or they're just stupid. I have a coworker in a bad relationship that seems to be headed towards marriage. He even jokes about how he cant stand her manipulation, control and social gatekeeping yet he's still with her. I don't get it. He is good looking, educated, and living independent with a career. He can easily find someone better. But no. He has to stand in the back of the venue with her pouting about how much his favorite band sucks while they play because he invited a single girl friend along for me to meet. You reap what you sew.

_albk 5y ago
Hindsight. I couldn’t see it until the relationship was severed. I’m not stupid, but I tried to save it up until the final day while those around us were taking bets on when it would end. 19 years of life are… poof. I missed out on doing things I think I would have liked to because of “love”. And I still care/worry for her.
55555 5y ago
He's in love, man. It makes you insane.
deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
mensetmanusman 5y ago
It might be, but not always. Family member’s wife started experiencing gradually pronounced schizophrenia over a few years and she became abusive to her husband until it ended with a short stay in a mental institute and then medication. She still wonders who she was at that time… Some people suffer diabetes as they age, and more than you would guess start experiencing mental breakdown that can manifest as abuse to a partner.
- MisterTea 5y ago

phendrenad2 5y ago

What is the alimony/ child support amount?

throwaway_sjfgd 5y ago
I am not sure if I have understood the question. I cannot disclose the detailed specifics of my case.