5 ms·

> particularly at an age (31) where I'm staring down the last couple years of being able to meet someone What? I'm 33, only a few months into my current relat

> particularly at an age (31) where I'm staring down the last couple years of being able to meet someone What? I'm 33, only a few months into my current relationship, and I have to say that dating is so much better at this age than it ever was.

ramesh31 5y ago
>I'm 33, only a few months into my current relationship, and I have to say that dating is so much better at this age than it ever was. You can get lucky. There are certainly unicorns out there. Or you can date younger, if you're ok with that. But by and large, women and men work on different timelines. And you don't realize this as a man until it hits. The vast majority of women are out of the dating pool by 30. And by this age, you've both ossified into separate individuals with rigid expectations and assumptions about life, which makes the flexibility needed to build a real lasting connection infinitely harder.
- philangist 5y ago
  Why wouldn't you date someone younger? At 31 assuming you have your life reasonably together and aren't living in some rural area (or san francisco lol) you can definitely meet attractive and interesting women 25+ that would be interested in settling down on your timeframe. Dating is all about self fulfilling prophecies so if you're telling yourself there are no women available that's what you're going to manifest.
  - ramesh31 5y ago
    >and aren't living in some rural area (or san francisco lol) That was a good laugh. I think in retrospect spending my 20s in San Francisco had a lot to do with now being single in my 30s.
    - dragosmocrii 5y ago
      Why is that? What's wrong with SF for dating? (just curious)
      - ramesh31 5y ago
        >"Why is that? What's wrong with SF for dating? (just curious)" Where to begin? The tech industry is massively skewed towards male, so right off the bat your odds of meeting someone in your work life is near nil. Then, with the complete lack of affordable housing, there's no such thing as just being a single 20-something living independently and supporting yourself on a non-tech salary. Bare minimum subsistence income is about $80k. So that filters out the vast majority of women who are in non-tech careers and simply cannot afford to move there. At that point you're basically left with the lucky few locals who have parents that bought houses in the 80s/90s and live with them rent free, or the unicorn types who make enough to live in SF independently. From that vanishingly small pool of women, you're now competing with the guys who made startup money or have the $300k+ FAANG gigs and can afford luxury vacations, nice condos, BMWs, etc. An average dude doesn't stand a chance.
        bradlys 5y ago
        Don’t feel too bad about the highly paid tech dudes. Tech dudes don’t stand a chance either because women don’t want to date another tech dude. I’m turning 31 in a couple months and am coming out of a 5 year relationship. It’s looking grim AF. My only real hope is that I get back with my ex eventually. I did the fancy vacations. I have the high income (~400k). I have a reasonably high net worth for my age (~2M). Even have the BMW! Didn’t stop her from walking away because she didn’t wanna date just a miserable workaholic techie anymore!! Honestly, the best candidates that I think many women are aiming for aren’t the tech guys. It’s the guys with rich families. They’re the ones I see not really having any issues because they don’t really need to have any kind of shit job. They got parental money after all.
        Dracophoenix 5y ago
        Would you say that the gender ratio also counts against you as a factor? Do you think you would be probably better off dating transnationally or internationally? Oh, and what kind of Bimmer?
- dstick 5y ago
  I’m afraid that’s quite a bit of self referential bias. So let me raise your hopes with some of mine: I met my wife when she was 30 and already had 2 kids. We’ve been together for 16 years now, got 2 daughters (so 4 children in total), and are nothing like the individuals we were 16 years ago. We’ve grown together, we’ve grown separately - we’ve changed yearly. Since you’re aware of it now: don’t become an individual with rigid expectations and assumptions. Life is constantly evolving. Aim to hit 80 and still shake your head at the person you were when you was 70 ;-) Here’s one of my favorite quotes that feels relevant: “We thought of life by analogy with a journey, a pilgrimage, which had a serious purpose at the end, and the thing was to get to that end, success or whatever it is, maybe heaven after you’re dead. But we missed the point the whole way along. It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing or to dance while the music was being played” You can find love at any age.
  - Dragonai 5y ago
    I love that quote. :) Thanks for sharing.
  - cfcf14 5y ago
    Thanks for sharing this lovely anecdote, and for the positive sentiment. Unfortunately I do agree with the person you're replying to - these days, it is vanishingly unlikely to find a partner past your early 30s. Only a tiny proportion of the adult population in most western countries is single, and asymmetries in the dating pool induced by modern modes of meeting people (ie: apps) have radically upended traditional ideals about coupling and compatibility. Respectfully, if you met your partner 16 years ago (congrats by the way!), that might as well be a completely different world than the one we live in now. I sympathise with the GP's expression of urgency.
    - Jommi 5y ago
      I am really really challenging your sentiment - we live in a time where more and more people than ever stay single even in their early 30s. Especially the gender balance there has changed immensly. What evidence do you have to the contrary?
    - 5y ago
- AuryGlenz 5y ago
  I’m married to someone about my age, but I don’t see many downsides to dating younger once you’re in your 30s. Mid-20s is old enough for most women to be out of the immature phase of their life, and you’ll have a wife that’s going to look younger longer and be more fertile. There was no way to type that out without sounding gross. The proposition for women in their 30s is worse, even if it is easier to find a date. That biological clock is ticking and most men don’t want to date someone older than them.
- not_jd_salinger 5y ago
  > you've both ossified into separate individuals with rigid expectations and assumptions about life This is the real issue, not the dating pool. The obvious evidence against the dating pool is that a fairly large number of divorced people I know getting into serious relationships and married again fairly quickly regardless of their age when the divorce happens. All of the unhappy single people I know (and there are some happy ones that don't mind) share the same paradoxical thinking: I'm unhappy with how my life is, and I want to be in a close relationship with someone, but am absolutely unwilling to change anything major (sometimes even minor) about who I am, what I believe or how I live. It seems obvious, but if you are unwilling to change anything about your life, then the only changes you experience are going to be those that are thrust upon you, such as the pandemic.
- beansontoast 5y ago
  There are 0 unicorns and 3.9 billion women out there. Many of those are dateable. I can see why somebody would think like you if they've been single for a long time, but my experience has been that arranging dates in my mid-late twenties and early thirties is easier than ever.

ramesh31 5y ago

>I'm 33, only a few months into my current relationship, and I have to say that dating is so much better at this age than it ever was. You can get lucky. There are certainly unicorns out there. Or you can date younger, if you're ok with that. But by and large, women and men work on different timelines. And you don't realize this as a man until it hits. The vast majority of women are out of the dating pool by 30. And by this age, you've both ossified into separate individuals with rigid expectations and assumptions about life, which makes the flexibility needed to build a real lasting connection infinitely harder.

philangist 5y ago
Why wouldn't you date someone younger? At 31 assuming you have your life reasonably together and aren't living in some rural area (or san francisco lol) you can definitely meet attractive and interesting women 25+ that would be interested in settling down on your timeframe. Dating is all about self fulfilling prophecies so if you're telling yourself there are no women available that's what you're going to manifest.
- ramesh31 5y ago
  >and aren't living in some rural area (or san francisco lol) That was a good laugh. I think in retrospect spending my 20s in San Francisco had a lot to do with now being single in my 30s.
  - dragosmocrii 5y ago
    Why is that? What's wrong with SF for dating? (just curious)
    - ramesh31 5y ago
      >"Why is that? What's wrong with SF for dating? (just curious)" Where to begin? The tech industry is massively skewed towards male, so right off the bat your odds of meeting someone in your work life is near nil. Then, with the complete lack of affordable housing, there's no such thing as just being a single 20-something living independently and supporting yourself on a non-tech salary. Bare minimum subsistence income is about $80k. So that filters out the vast majority of women who are in non-tech careers and simply cannot afford to move there. At that point you're basically left with the lucky few locals who have parents that bought houses in the 80s/90s and live with them rent free, or the unicorn types who make enough to live in SF independently. From that vanishingly small pool of women, you're now competing with the guys who made startup money or have the $300k+ FAANG gigs and can afford luxury vacations, nice condos, BMWs, etc. An average dude doesn't stand a chance.
      - bradlys 5y ago
        Don’t feel too bad about the highly paid tech dudes. Tech dudes don’t stand a chance either because women don’t want to date another tech dude. I’m turning 31 in a couple months and am coming out of a 5 year relationship. It’s looking grim AF. My only real hope is that I get back with my ex eventually. I did the fancy vacations. I have the high income (~400k). I have a reasonably high net worth for my age (~2M). Even have the BMW! Didn’t stop her from walking away because she didn’t wanna date just a miserable workaholic techie anymore!! Honestly, the best candidates that I think many women are aiming for aren’t the tech guys. It’s the guys with rich families. They’re the ones I see not really having any issues because they don’t really need to have any kind of shit job. They got parental money after all.
        Dracophoenix 5y ago
        Would you say that the gender ratio also counts against you as a factor? Do you think you would be probably better off dating transnationally or internationally? Oh, and what kind of Bimmer?
dstick 5y ago
I’m afraid that’s quite a bit of self referential bias. So let me raise your hopes with some of mine: I met my wife when she was 30 and already had 2 kids. We’ve been together for 16 years now, got 2 daughters (so 4 children in total), and are nothing like the individuals we were 16 years ago. We’ve grown together, we’ve grown separately - we’ve changed yearly. Since you’re aware of it now: don’t become an individual with rigid expectations and assumptions. Life is constantly evolving. Aim to hit 80 and still shake your head at the person you were when you was 70 ;-) Here’s one of my favorite quotes that feels relevant: “We thought of life by analogy with a journey, a pilgrimage, which had a serious purpose at the end, and the thing was to get to that end, success or whatever it is, maybe heaven after you’re dead. But we missed the point the whole way along. It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing or to dance while the music was being played” You can find love at any age.
- Dragonai 5y ago
  I love that quote. :) Thanks for sharing.
- cfcf14 5y ago
  Thanks for sharing this lovely anecdote, and for the positive sentiment. Unfortunately I do agree with the person you're replying to - these days, it is vanishingly unlikely to find a partner past your early 30s. Only a tiny proportion of the adult population in most western countries is single, and asymmetries in the dating pool induced by modern modes of meeting people (ie: apps) have radically upended traditional ideals about coupling and compatibility. Respectfully, if you met your partner 16 years ago (congrats by the way!), that might as well be a completely different world than the one we live in now. I sympathise with the GP's expression of urgency.
  - Jommi 5y ago
    I am really really challenging your sentiment - we live in a time where more and more people than ever stay single even in their early 30s. Especially the gender balance there has changed immensly. What evidence do you have to the contrary?
  - 5y ago
AuryGlenz 5y ago
I’m married to someone about my age, but I don’t see many downsides to dating younger once you’re in your 30s. Mid-20s is old enough for most women to be out of the immature phase of their life, and you’ll have a wife that’s going to look younger longer and be more fertile. There was no way to type that out without sounding gross. The proposition for women in their 30s is worse, even if it is easier to find a date. That biological clock is ticking and most men don’t want to date someone older than them.
not_jd_salinger 5y ago
> you've both ossified into separate individuals with rigid expectations and assumptions about life This is the real issue, not the dating pool. The obvious evidence against the dating pool is that a fairly large number of divorced people I know getting into serious relationships and married again fairly quickly regardless of their age when the divorce happens. All of the unhappy single people I know (and there are some happy ones that don't mind) share the same paradoxical thinking: I'm unhappy with how my life is, and I want to be in a close relationship with someone, but am absolutely unwilling to change anything major (sometimes even minor) about who I am, what I believe or how I live. It seems obvious, but if you are unwilling to change anything about your life, then the only changes you experience are going to be those that are thrust upon you, such as the pandemic.
beansontoast 5y ago
There are 0 unicorns and 3.9 billion women out there. Many of those are dateable. I can see why somebody would think like you if they've been single for a long time, but my experience has been that arranging dates in my mid-late twenties and early thirties is easier than ever.