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I've never been so envious of happily married people in my life. Being single throughout this ordeal has broken me mentally, particularly at an age (31) where I

I've never been so envious of happily married people in my life. Being single throughout this ordeal has broken me mentally, particularly at an age (31) where I'm staring down the last couple years of being able to meet someone my age. And the prospects coming out of it are grim. For people with a happy home life, this may have been a good time. But for the isolated, work from home, single people with no long term social circle outside of work, it has been an utter nightmare.

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golergka 5y ago
> particularly at an age (31) where I'm staring down the last couple years of being able to meet someone What? I'm 33, only a few months into my current relationship, and I have to say that dating is so much better at this age than it ever was.
- ramesh31 5y ago
  >I'm 33, only a few months into my current relationship, and I have to say that dating is so much better at this age than it ever was. You can get lucky. There are certainly unicorns out there. Or you can date younger, if you're ok with that. But by and large, women and men work on different timelines. And you don't realize this as a man until it hits. The vast majority of women are out of the dating pool by 30. And by this age, you've both ossified into separate individuals with rigid expectations and assumptions about life, which makes the flexibility needed to build a real lasting connection infinitely harder.
  - philangist 5y ago
    Why wouldn't you date someone younger? At 31 assuming you have your life reasonably together and aren't living in some rural area (or san francisco lol) you can definitely meet attractive and interesting women 25+ that would be interested in settling down on your timeframe. Dating is all about self fulfilling prophecies so if you're telling yourself there are no women available that's what you're going to manifest.
    - ramesh31 5y ago
      >and aren't living in some rural area (or san francisco lol) That was a good laugh. I think in retrospect spending my 20s in San Francisco had a lot to do with now being single in my 30s.
      - dragosmocrii 5y ago
        Why is that? What's wrong with SF for dating? (just curious)
        ramesh31 5y ago
        >"Why is that? What's wrong with SF for dating? (just curious)" Where to begin? The tech industry is massively skewed towards male, so right off the bat your odds of meeting someone in your work life is near nil. Then, with the complete lack of affordable housing, there's no such thing as just being a single 20-something living independently and supporting yourself on a non-tech salary. Bare minimum subsistence income is about $80k. So that filters out the vast majority of women who are in non-tech careers and simply cannot afford to move there. At that point you're basically left with the lucky few locals who have parents that bought houses in the 80s/90s and live with them rent free, or the unicorn types who make enough to live in SF independently. From that vanishingly small pool of women, you're now competing with the guys who made startup money or have the $300k+ FAANG gigs and can afford luxury vacations, nice condos, BMWs, etc. An average dude doesn't stand a chance.
        bradlys 5y ago
        Don’t feel too bad about the highly paid tech dudes. Tech dudes don’t stand a chance either because women don’t want to date another tech dude. I’m turning 31 in a couple months and am coming out of a 5 year relationship. It’s looking grim AF. My only real hope is that I get back with my ex eventually. I did the fancy vacations. I have the high income (~400k). I have a reasonably high net worth for my age (~2M). Even have the BMW! Didn’t stop her from walking away because she didn’t wanna date just a miserable workaholic techie anymore!! Honestly, the best candidates that I think many women are aiming for aren’t the tech guys. It’s the guys with rich families. They’re the ones I see not really having any issues because they don’t really need to have any kind of shit job. They got parental money after all.
  - dstick 5y ago
    I’m afraid that’s quite a bit of self referential bias. So let me raise your hopes with some of mine: I met my wife when she was 30 and already had 2 kids. We’ve been together for 16 years now, got 2 daughters (so 4 children in total), and are nothing like the individuals we were 16 years ago. We’ve grown together, we’ve grown separately - we’ve changed yearly. Since you’re aware of it now: don’t become an individual with rigid expectations and assumptions. Life is constantly evolving. Aim to hit 80 and still shake your head at the person you were when you was 70 ;-) Here’s one of my favorite quotes that feels relevant: “We thought of life by analogy with a journey, a pilgrimage, which had a serious purpose at the end, and the thing was to get to that end, success or whatever it is, maybe heaven after you’re dead. But we missed the point the whole way along. It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing or to dance while the music was being played” You can find love at any age.
    - Dragonai 5y ago
      I love that quote. :) Thanks for sharing.
    - cfcf14 5y ago
      Thanks for sharing this lovely anecdote, and for the positive sentiment. Unfortunately I do agree with the person you're replying to - these days, it is vanishingly unlikely to find a partner past your early 30s. Only a tiny proportion of the adult population in most western countries is single, and asymmetries in the dating pool induced by modern modes of meeting people (ie: apps) have radically upended traditional ideals about coupling and compatibility. Respectfully, if you met your partner 16 years ago (congrats by the way!), that might as well be a completely different world than the one we live in now. I sympathise with the GP's expression of urgency.
      - Jommi 5y ago
        I am really really challenging your sentiment - we live in a time where more and more people than ever stay single even in their early 30s. Especially the gender balance there has changed immensly. What evidence do you have to the contrary?
      - 5y ago
  - AuryGlenz 5y ago
    I’m married to someone about my age, but I don’t see many downsides to dating younger once you’re in your 30s. Mid-20s is old enough for most women to be out of the immature phase of their life, and you’ll have a wife that’s going to look younger longer and be more fertile. There was no way to type that out without sounding gross. The proposition for women in their 30s is worse, even if it is easier to find a date. That biological clock is ticking and most men don’t want to date someone older than them.
  - not_jd_salinger 5y ago
    > you've both ossified into separate individuals with rigid expectations and assumptions about life This is the real issue, not the dating pool. The obvious evidence against the dating pool is that a fairly large number of divorced people I know getting into serious relationships and married again fairly quickly regardless of their age when the divorce happens. All of the unhappy single people I know (and there are some happy ones that don't mind) share the same paradoxical thinking: I'm unhappy with how my life is, and I want to be in a close relationship with someone, but am absolutely unwilling to change anything major (sometimes even minor) about who I am, what I believe or how I live. It seems obvious, but if you are unwilling to change anything about your life, then the only changes you experience are going to be those that are thrust upon you, such as the pandemic.
  - beansontoast 5y ago
    There are 0 unicorns and 3.9 billion women out there. Many of those are dateable. I can see why somebody would think like you if they've been single for a long time, but my experience has been that arranging dates in my mid-late twenties and early thirties is easier than ever.
bgroat 5y ago
I'm one of those happily married people and my heart has been going out to people like you the whole time. It's an incredible blessing to have been locked-in and had 24/7 support from someone I love and I wish you had it too. Sorry you had to face this alone.
fantod 5y ago
I was feeling pretty awful by the time April came around, being in the same position as you. But I took advantage of the fact that I work remote now and moved to a very large and densely populated city you've heard of. Meeting people and socializing regularly has completely changed my point of view. Obviously, not everyone can do this, but perhaps the moral is that a change of perspective would be beneficial and some sort of life change could catalyze that. A huge advantage of being single is that you have a lot more freedom to just up and go where you like.
dijksterhuis 5y ago
Huh? What? I'm about to turn 32 and I'm a bit confused about the whole "last couple of years of being able to meet someone". I know people who met and got married in their 40s... Edit: go easy on yourself pal. We've all got enough to deal with in the world without beating ourselves up over imaginary deadlines. Edit2: also, a lot of marriages are not happy. Imagine having to live in one of them during a pandemic. Usually made me feel better about being single!
- ramesh31 5y ago
  >I know people who met and got married in their 40s... It all depends on what you're looking for I guess. Certainly you can get married in your 40s. But at that point having a single child, let alone a few, becomes a monumental task. It's not an imaginary deadline. Fertility falls off a cliff at 35 [0]. [0] https://www.kinderzeit.org/en/fertility-by-age/ https://www.kinderzeit.org/en/fertility-by-age/
  - NationalPark 5y ago
    > becomes a monumental task Even ignoring the fact that fertility treatments exist... 1 in 4 healthy women in their 20s and 30s will get pregnant in any single menstrual cycle. (The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists, 2018) 1 in 10 healthy women in their 40s will get pregnant in any single menstrual cycle. (The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists, 2018) hardly monumental
    - throwawaygal7 5y ago
      Nobody is saying it's impossible, on average - but people aren't aggregate statistics. Some women are already going to be unable to get pregnant by 35, more by forty. Many more will struggle, but might be able to get pregnant. I believe the study you cited is biased by excluding some of these as 'unhealthy' - essentially it is limiting the population to just women who still can get pregnant at these ages. Once more, the number of chromosomal abnormalities skyrockets after 30 and by 40 around three quarters of eggs (or more, for an individual) will have serious abnormalities. Even if only a small fraction of women would struggle at 35, but could have gotten pregnant at 25 - for her it's a tragedy. And she is not helped by these messages that 'no worries it's easy to get pregnant at 40'
chias 5y ago
Hey man, if you ever need someone to shoot the shit with or whatever, shoot me a DM via keybase (https://keybase.io/ojensen https://keybase.io/ojensen) or any of the networks linked there. I'm also pretty okay at several online multiplayer games if that kind of thing floats your boat. Being alone sucks and an internet friend won't fix that, but maybe it can help :)
david422 5y ago
> particularly at an age (31) where I'm staring down the last couple years of being able to meet someone You still have plenty of time - even to meet someone and have kids. Just focus on getting yourself into a good state - gym, hygiene, activities/hobbies where you can meet people. The rest will come.
mzkply 5y ago
As a newly single guy in Jan 2020, I went on Bumble for the first time... She moves in July 1st. Try it out, I had sworn I'd never do it.
moonshinefe 5y ago
I'm a little older but not by a lot, and was in a similar situation where I was in my early 30s where I felt my window for getting things done in life was closing and I didn't have a relationship and felt socially isolated in general (for different reasons since it wasn't covid 19 at the time, but still). Things were looking incredibly bleak for me. But things can change awfully fast even if it seems hopeless, don't give up. The potentially partners you'll meet at this age tend to be more mature on average (generalizing of course!), and I think have a much more healthy perspective on life than the people I often met dating in my 20s. Keep in mind that dating is a numbers game, and like any numbers game, you increase your chances of success the more you play. You need to meet as many people as possible and have fewer expectations--the worse that happens is it doesn't work out and you move on. The hardest part is getting over the fear of rejection, but it can be done, even for the shy. If it's more the isolation in general that's getting to you rather than no partner, I think if you look around you'll find clubs or groups you can hang around potentially--again you need to get yourself out of your comfort zone and just go join those things. If you're into gaming, feel free to message me (or chat about IT stuff or whatnot--Moonshine#3246 is my Discord). Covid has been really hard on a lot of people for various reasons, but you're definitely not alone and I'm sure there are plenty of people also looking for more social interaction right now. Just need to find 'em.
- daybadone 5y ago
  Clubs are closed. What clubs? not everyone lives in America.
prh8 5y ago
Nothing to add, but want to validate all your thoughts. I'm in the exact same position.
ppf 5y ago
It really sucks for people like you at the moment, and I really feel for you. Saying that, being happily married but with two small kids (both under 2, for most of lockdown) was no joke either.
claytongulick 5y ago
I met my wife at age 42, been happily married two years now. I've come to learn that relationships and my ability to navigate them have only improved with age. I look back at myself and how I treated people in my 20s and cringe.
- Dracophoenix 5y ago
  How did exactly did you treat people in your 20's?
  - claytongulick 5y ago
    I could probably best describe it as non-malicious unintentional callous disregard, coupled with a belief that I'd mostly figured everything out - and a deep-seated need to always be "right" and "win". I had not yet learned that at the point where there is an argument, both people have already lost.
    - Dracophoenix 5y ago
      >>I could probably best describe it as non-malicious unintentional callous disregard, coupled with a belief that I'd mostly figured everything out - and a deep-seated need to always be "right" and "win". Sounds like well-earned confidence with a bit self-possessiveness . But on the whole that's not unusual or something that should be frowned upon. >>I had not yet learned that at the point where there is an argument, both people have already lost. I used to think like that and all that resulted was having my concerns paid lip service to if not outright dismissed, being blamed when something didn't go someone's way despite not being given clear instruction, being guilted into keeping the peace at the expense of my sense of self, etc. Being useful meant becoming easy to take for granted. Anything less was regarded as "not doing my best", "defiance", "rebellion", and "causing trouble". Polite logical debate and asking the hard questions (when I eventually got to that stage) were met with evasion and scorn in addition to rampant hypocrisy and double standards. At the end of it all, arguing was the only way to truly know where I stand in the world and on what terms or, at the very least, led me to learn how to salvage myself and cut my losses (too late in my opinion, but better late than never). If I had been more willing to be upfront with my disregard for certain ideas, more willing to leverage "No" or "I don't care" without fear of reprisal (real or perceived), then I probably would have been in a better position to know in advance which arguments are worth it and which ones would be pointless time wasters. But I know first-hand that if you don't make yourself or your desired way of life a priority to be defended by whatever means you can muster, no one will. And you will suffer for it.
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slumdev 5y ago
If it's really stressing you out, consider dating people younger than you are. A five year gap is nothing by the time you're in your thirties.

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golergka 5y ago

> particularly at an age (31) where I'm staring down the last couple years of being able to meet someone What? I'm 33, only a few months into my current relationship, and I have to say that dating is so much better at this age than it ever was.

ramesh31 5y ago
>I'm 33, only a few months into my current relationship, and I have to say that dating is so much better at this age than it ever was. You can get lucky. There are certainly unicorns out there. Or you can date younger, if you're ok with that. But by and large, women and men work on different timelines. And you don't realize this as a man until it hits. The vast majority of women are out of the dating pool by 30. And by this age, you've both ossified into separate individuals with rigid expectations and assumptions about life, which makes the flexibility needed to build a real lasting connection infinitely harder.
- philangist 5y ago
  Why wouldn't you date someone younger? At 31 assuming you have your life reasonably together and aren't living in some rural area (or san francisco lol) you can definitely meet attractive and interesting women 25+ that would be interested in settling down on your timeframe. Dating is all about self fulfilling prophecies so if you're telling yourself there are no women available that's what you're going to manifest.
  - ramesh31 5y ago
    >and aren't living in some rural area (or san francisco lol) That was a good laugh. I think in retrospect spending my 20s in San Francisco had a lot to do with now being single in my 30s.
    - dragosmocrii 5y ago
      Why is that? What's wrong with SF for dating? (just curious)
      - ramesh31 5y ago
        >"Why is that? What's wrong with SF for dating? (just curious)" Where to begin? The tech industry is massively skewed towards male, so right off the bat your odds of meeting someone in your work life is near nil. Then, with the complete lack of affordable housing, there's no such thing as just being a single 20-something living independently and supporting yourself on a non-tech salary. Bare minimum subsistence income is about $80k. So that filters out the vast majority of women who are in non-tech careers and simply cannot afford to move there. At that point you're basically left with the lucky few locals who have parents that bought houses in the 80s/90s and live with them rent free, or the unicorn types who make enough to live in SF independently. From that vanishingly small pool of women, you're now competing with the guys who made startup money or have the $300k+ FAANG gigs and can afford luxury vacations, nice condos, BMWs, etc. An average dude doesn't stand a chance.
        bradlys 5y ago
        Don’t feel too bad about the highly paid tech dudes. Tech dudes don’t stand a chance either because women don’t want to date another tech dude. I’m turning 31 in a couple months and am coming out of a 5 year relationship. It’s looking grim AF. My only real hope is that I get back with my ex eventually. I did the fancy vacations. I have the high income (~400k). I have a reasonably high net worth for my age (~2M). Even have the BMW! Didn’t stop her from walking away because she didn’t wanna date just a miserable workaholic techie anymore!! Honestly, the best candidates that I think many women are aiming for aren’t the tech guys. It’s the guys with rich families. They’re the ones I see not really having any issues because they don’t really need to have any kind of shit job. They got parental money after all.
- dstick 5y ago
  I’m afraid that’s quite a bit of self referential bias. So let me raise your hopes with some of mine: I met my wife when she was 30 and already had 2 kids. We’ve been together for 16 years now, got 2 daughters (so 4 children in total), and are nothing like the individuals we were 16 years ago. We’ve grown together, we’ve grown separately - we’ve changed yearly. Since you’re aware of it now: don’t become an individual with rigid expectations and assumptions. Life is constantly evolving. Aim to hit 80 and still shake your head at the person you were when you was 70 ;-) Here’s one of my favorite quotes that feels relevant: “We thought of life by analogy with a journey, a pilgrimage, which had a serious purpose at the end, and the thing was to get to that end, success or whatever it is, maybe heaven after you’re dead. But we missed the point the whole way along. It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing or to dance while the music was being played” You can find love at any age.
  - Dragonai 5y ago
    I love that quote. :) Thanks for sharing.
  - cfcf14 5y ago
    Thanks for sharing this lovely anecdote, and for the positive sentiment. Unfortunately I do agree with the person you're replying to - these days, it is vanishingly unlikely to find a partner past your early 30s. Only a tiny proportion of the adult population in most western countries is single, and asymmetries in the dating pool induced by modern modes of meeting people (ie: apps) have radically upended traditional ideals about coupling and compatibility. Respectfully, if you met your partner 16 years ago (congrats by the way!), that might as well be a completely different world than the one we live in now. I sympathise with the GP's expression of urgency.
    - Jommi 5y ago
      I am really really challenging your sentiment - we live in a time where more and more people than ever stay single even in their early 30s. Especially the gender balance there has changed immensly. What evidence do you have to the contrary?
    - 5y ago
- AuryGlenz 5y ago
  I’m married to someone about my age, but I don’t see many downsides to dating younger once you’re in your 30s. Mid-20s is old enough for most women to be out of the immature phase of their life, and you’ll have a wife that’s going to look younger longer and be more fertile. There was no way to type that out without sounding gross. The proposition for women in their 30s is worse, even if it is easier to find a date. That biological clock is ticking and most men don’t want to date someone older than them.
- not_jd_salinger 5y ago
  > you've both ossified into separate individuals with rigid expectations and assumptions about life This is the real issue, not the dating pool. The obvious evidence against the dating pool is that a fairly large number of divorced people I know getting into serious relationships and married again fairly quickly regardless of their age when the divorce happens. All of the unhappy single people I know (and there are some happy ones that don't mind) share the same paradoxical thinking: I'm unhappy with how my life is, and I want to be in a close relationship with someone, but am absolutely unwilling to change anything major (sometimes even minor) about who I am, what I believe or how I live. It seems obvious, but if you are unwilling to change anything about your life, then the only changes you experience are going to be those that are thrust upon you, such as the pandemic.
- beansontoast 5y ago
  There are 0 unicorns and 3.9 billion women out there. Many of those are dateable. I can see why somebody would think like you if they've been single for a long time, but my experience has been that arranging dates in my mid-late twenties and early thirties is easier than ever.

bgroat 5y ago

I'm one of those happily married people and my heart has been going out to people like you the whole time. It's an incredible blessing to have been locked-in and had 24/7 support from someone I love and I wish you had it too. Sorry you had to face this alone.

fantod 5y ago

I was feeling pretty awful by the time April came around, being in the same position as you. But I took advantage of the fact that I work remote now and moved to a very large and densely populated city you've heard of. Meeting people and socializing regularly has completely changed my point of view. Obviously, not everyone can do this, but perhaps the moral is that a change of perspective would be beneficial and some sort of life change could catalyze that. A huge advantage of being single is that you have a lot more freedom to just up and go where you like.

dijksterhuis 5y ago

Huh? What? I'm about to turn 32 and I'm a bit confused about the whole "last couple of years of being able to meet someone". I know people who met and got married in their 40s... Edit: go easy on yourself pal. We've all got enough to deal with in the world without beating ourselves up over imaginary deadlines. Edit2: also, a lot of marriages are not happy. Imagine having to live in one of them during a pandemic. Usually made me feel better about being single!

ramesh31 5y ago
>I know people who met and got married in their 40s... It all depends on what you're looking for I guess. Certainly you can get married in your 40s. But at that point having a single child, let alone a few, becomes a monumental task. It's not an imaginary deadline. Fertility falls off a cliff at 35 [0]. [0] https://www.kinderzeit.org/en/fertility-by-age/ https://www.kinderzeit.org/en/fertility-by-age/
- NationalPark 5y ago
  > becomes a monumental task Even ignoring the fact that fertility treatments exist... 1 in 4 healthy women in their 20s and 30s will get pregnant in any single menstrual cycle. (The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists, 2018) 1 in 10 healthy women in their 40s will get pregnant in any single menstrual cycle. (The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists, 2018) hardly monumental
  - throwawaygal7 5y ago
    Nobody is saying it's impossible, on average - but people aren't aggregate statistics. Some women are already going to be unable to get pregnant by 35, more by forty. Many more will struggle, but might be able to get pregnant. I believe the study you cited is biased by excluding some of these as 'unhealthy' - essentially it is limiting the population to just women who still can get pregnant at these ages. Once more, the number of chromosomal abnormalities skyrockets after 30 and by 40 around three quarters of eggs (or more, for an individual) will have serious abnormalities. Even if only a small fraction of women would struggle at 35, but could have gotten pregnant at 25 - for her it's a tragedy. And she is not helped by these messages that 'no worries it's easy to get pregnant at 40'

chias 5y ago

Hey man, if you ever need someone to shoot the shit with or whatever, shoot me a DM via keybase (https://keybase.io/ojensen https://keybase.io/ojensen) or any of the networks linked there. I'm also pretty okay at several online multiplayer games if that kind of thing floats your boat. Being alone sucks and an internet friend won't fix that, but maybe it can help :)

david422 5y ago

> particularly at an age (31) where I'm staring down the last couple years of being able to meet someone You still have plenty of time - even to meet someone and have kids. Just focus on getting yourself into a good state - gym, hygiene, activities/hobbies where you can meet people. The rest will come.

mzkply 5y ago

As a newly single guy in Jan 2020, I went on Bumble for the first time... She moves in July 1st. Try it out, I had sworn I'd never do it.

moonshinefe 5y ago

I'm a little older but not by a lot, and was in a similar situation where I was in my early 30s where I felt my window for getting things done in life was closing and I didn't have a relationship and felt socially isolated in general (for different reasons since it wasn't covid 19 at the time, but still). Things were looking incredibly bleak for me. But things can change awfully fast even if it seems hopeless, don't give up. The potentially partners you'll meet at this age tend to be more mature on average (generalizing of course!), and I think have a much more healthy perspective on life than the people I often met dating in my 20s. Keep in mind that dating is a numbers game, and like any numbers game, you increase your chances of success the more you play. You need to meet as many people as possible and have fewer expectations--the worse that happens is it doesn't work out and you move on. The hardest part is getting over the fear of rejection, but it can be done, even for the shy. If it's more the isolation in general that's getting to you rather than no partner, I think if you look around you'll find clubs or groups you can hang around potentially--again you need to get yourself out of your comfort zone and just go join those things. If you're into gaming, feel free to message me (or chat about IT stuff or whatnot--Moonshine#3246 is my Discord). Covid has been really hard on a lot of people for various reasons, but you're definitely not alone and I'm sure there are plenty of people also looking for more social interaction right now. Just need to find 'em.

daybadone 5y ago
Clubs are closed. What clubs? not everyone lives in America.

prh8 5y ago

Nothing to add, but want to validate all your thoughts. I'm in the exact same position.

ppf 5y ago

It really sucks for people like you at the moment, and I really feel for you. Saying that, being happily married but with two small kids (both under 2, for most of lockdown) was no joke either.

claytongulick 5y ago

I met my wife at age 42, been happily married two years now. I've come to learn that relationships and my ability to navigate them have only improved with age. I look back at myself and how I treated people in my 20s and cringe.

Dracophoenix 5y ago
How did exactly did you treat people in your 20's?
- claytongulick 5y ago
  I could probably best describe it as non-malicious unintentional callous disregard, coupled with a belief that I'd mostly figured everything out - and a deep-seated need to always be "right" and "win". I had not yet learned that at the point where there is an argument, both people have already lost.
  - Dracophoenix 5y ago
    >>I could probably best describe it as non-malicious unintentional callous disregard, coupled with a belief that I'd mostly figured everything out - and a deep-seated need to always be "right" and "win". Sounds like well-earned confidence with a bit self-possessiveness . But on the whole that's not unusual or something that should be frowned upon. >>I had not yet learned that at the point where there is an argument, both people have already lost. I used to think like that and all that resulted was having my concerns paid lip service to if not outright dismissed, being blamed when something didn't go someone's way despite not being given clear instruction, being guilted into keeping the peace at the expense of my sense of self, etc. Being useful meant becoming easy to take for granted. Anything less was regarded as "not doing my best", "defiance", "rebellion", and "causing trouble". Polite logical debate and asking the hard questions (when I eventually got to that stage) were met with evasion and scorn in addition to rampant hypocrisy and double standards. At the end of it all, arguing was the only way to truly know where I stand in the world and on what terms or, at the very least, led me to learn how to salvage myself and cut my losses (too late in my opinion, but better late than never). If I had been more willing to be upfront with my disregard for certain ideas, more willing to leverage "No" or "I don't care" without fear of reprisal (real or perceived), then I probably would have been in a better position to know in advance which arguments are worth it and which ones would be pointless time wasters. But I know first-hand that if you don't make yourself or your desired way of life a priority to be defended by whatever means you can muster, no one will. And you will suffer for it.

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slumdev 5y ago

If it's really stressing you out, consider dating people younger than you are. A five year gap is nothing by the time you're in your thirties.