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Married members of HN, what did you do if you think diamonds are utterly ridiclious however due to societal constraints some kind of ring is required for your S

Married members of HN, what did you do if you think diamonds are utterly ridiclious however due to societal constraints some kind of ring is required for your SO?

pjc50 6y ago
We bought an antique one, containing two diamonds and a nice large amethyst. Because the diamond secondhand market trades at such a detriment to new ones this was very affordable.
tdrgabi 6y ago
It depends on culture. In my country, a gold or silver ring is acceptable.
- StavrosK 6y ago
  In my country, a simple gold band is also customary. When you think "wedding ring", you think "simple gold band". They all look the same.
  - lewisflude 6y ago
    In the UK at least, there is an "engagement ring" that has a diamond typically, and then a "wedding band" that is typically a gold (or silver) band that goes next to the engagement ring on the ring finger, with a similar ring for the other partner on the ring finger.
- chrisseaton 6y ago
  > a gold or silver ring is acceptable As in not having a ring is 'unacceptable' somehow then?
  - croo 6y ago
    Not op, but yes. Engagement traditionally is giving a ring to your desired future wife. I don't understand your point. Of course you can ignore tradition but then why marry in the first place?
    - chrisseaton 6y ago
      I mean who is it unacceptable to? Who complains if you don't have a ring and what do they do about it? If someone told me they thought it was unacceptable that I didn't have a ring I'd laugh at them.
      - mavhc 6y ago
        Unacceptable to sexists
      - simias 6y ago
        The conversation is framed from the point of view of tradition in some parts of the world. Of course the cops won't arrest you if you decide not to get an engagement ring. It's like going to work in flip flops, it's not illegal, just frowned upon in many circles. These faux-intellectual "I'm a robot, beep boop I don't understand context and I parse conversations like a compiler would, semantic error on line 5" conversations are probably the least productive on this website, and they're unfortunately very common. It's not smart, it's just obtuse.
    - eru 6y ago
      > Of course you can ignore tradition but then why marry in the first place? Taxation, adoption, power of attorney, inheritance taxes, etc.
      - username90 6y ago
        Those doesn't apply in all jurisdictions. There is no reason why laws should give special privileges to marriages over other forms of relationships.
        eru 6y ago
        Yes, different jurisdictions treat marriage differently. > There is no reason why laws should give special privileges to marriages over other forms of relationships. I tend to agree, but that's a normative question and doesn't change the legal facts we have to deal with. (At least not directly. Laws are made by people, and if enough people or the right people care for laws to be different, laws can be changed.)
  - tomhoward 6y ago
    That's not really what they meant by "acceptable" - just that either of those metals are traditional. What's "acceptable" depends on the people in the relationship, and what will make each of them happy. I didn't have a ring when I proposed to my partner as it was a fairly spontaneous decision when we were in a foreign country, and I knew the location of the proposal would matter much more to her than a ring. But then after we got back we worked together with a jeweller to design a ring, which made sense as she has better design judgment than me, and we weren't doing anything very lavish/expensive, just something tasteful that she would love (for the record it didn't have diamonds, but rather a morganite stone with white gold).
gtirloni 6y ago
Just bought it and moved on. I'm happy that she's happy. I couldn't care less.
- lifeisstillgood 6y ago
  Just to say, thats a great attitude - and that I am happy to hear is an option amoungst a sea of 'if you are not on the same page your marriage is in trouble' comments
- woofcat 6y ago
  Yeah, I'm not understanding a lot of the sentiment here. I suppose if you're a fresh grad, or not making a ton of money. However if an engagement ring's cost is some barrier to getting married... perhaps you're too young to get married? Life is expensive, and between cars, house, the actual wedding, kids, etc. The money I spent on my wives engagement ring seems like child's play. Also I feel like most women want it, because it's what everyone asks of them. 100% it's societal pressure. If you tell someone you got engaged, question #1 will be "Ohh let me see the ring!"
  - float4 6y ago
    > Also I feel like most women want it, because it's what everyone asks of them. To me it feels more like a classic case of mimetism: all beautiful / successful / happy / rich people have a diamond ring, so most women naturally want one too. It's not really about fear, but more about a strong desire to have the same object as your role models.
    - woofcat 6y ago
      Perhaps mimetism. Do you lump say all fashion under that category as well? I think there is an unofficial "pecking order" of society. People treat you differently if you roll up in a new Mercedes vs a new Honda. If your purse is a Louis Vuitton or a Walmart brand. They all functionally do the same thing, but society uses these things to lump people into camps. In that same regard, I've seen women who are not materialistic seem embarrassed to show off their modest ring which is wrong. I think a lot of people treat engagement rings in the same way as designer bags, and nice cars. We can say it doesn't matter, but if society ranks you differently I think it does matter on some level.
mhroth 6y ago
Ask your partner what they want. Then do that. Your opinion on this matter is not particularly important ;)
- tonyedgecombe 6y ago
  Your opinion on this matter is not particularly important ;) Although you should bear in mind there is a correlation between the amount spent on getting married and the likelihood of divorce.
  - tromp 6y ago
    Is that a positive or a negative correlation?
    - tonyedgecombe 6y ago
      Positive, the more you spend the more likely divorce.
      - dagw 6y ago
        The more you spent, the richer both of you are. The richer both of you are, the easier it is to afford getting divorced.
        tonyedgecombe 6y ago
        Possibly although that would be fairly easy to filter out in a study.
  - paulcole 6y ago
    Yes, although one isn’t necessarily causative of the other.
- 2pEXgD0fZ5cF 6y ago
  > Your opinion on this matter is not particularly important Feeling sorry for the people that go in a marriage with those kind of sentiments about their partner, or about relationships/marriage in general.
MattGaiser 6y ago
Build a Wall-E type robot to deliver a lab grown one to create environmental vibes.
lewisflude 6y ago
Not married, but engaged! I ended up buying a diamond on James Allen (they allow you to select earth created or lab created). They allege their mined diamonds are "conflict free" https://www.jamesallen.com/education/diamonds/grading-conflict-free/ https://www.jamesallen.com/education/diamonds/grading-confli.... However, my feeling is I don't trust this 100%, and for my SO having a "real diamond" meant a lot. For me, in this case, the need to get a "real diamond" for my SO trumped my ethical stance on where the diamond was sourced. I think if you are going for 100% ethical purity, then you should either get no diamond (many other beautiful, precious gemstones if you still want one) or just go for it to make your SO happy.
- sharken 6y ago
  As long as the concept "real diamond", as in mined the traditional way exists, then real change will be slow. It will be interesting to see if companies will try to market "real diamonds" and how the market will respond.
  - lewisflude 6y ago
    When you buy a mined diamond, you are paying for the story, of it being a finite thing, formed in the earth over a very long period of time. Lab grown diamonds don't have that story. Separately, the work that goes into cutting/finishing diamonds is incredible and there is a huge amount of variety between individual diamonds. They are very fascinating things.
    - Nursie 6y ago
      That sounds like industry apologetics, to me. I don't know that the population in general are that keen on geology.
      - lewisflude 6y ago
        I don't mean to sound like I'm apologising for the industry. I agree with you, the general population don't care about the geology of diamonds. But there's definitely this feeling that lab grown diamonds are seen as this "other" thing that "isn't real" and I think that largely stems from this mythical idea of diamonds being rare things that are found in the earth. I think it's quite common knowledge that diamonds were traditionally mined before we were able to make them in a lab, and because of this it's seen as the default to which any other methods of making a diamond are compared.
sneak 6y ago
Rings also fall under the category of utterly ridiculous. A marriage isn’t jewelry.
- JackFr 6y ago
  Along with being a visible symbol of my love and commitment to my wife, I also use my wedding ring to open beer bottles - so, you know, not utterly ridiculous.
madarcho 6y ago
Talk about it. It may turn out that the societal constraints don't enforce the conflict mined diamond. And you may find out more about what it is that is motivating the choice. But you can't force things and insist that the whole thing is a useless charade. Objectively, sure, but not everything in life has to be.
rm445 6y ago
There are lots of other types of pretty rock available. I think also if you decide to bow to those constraints, grit your teeth and buy a diamond, you can get ones certified to as less likely to have murder and slavery involved in their extraction. Albeit you'd still be supporting that ridiculous market indirectly. Smashing the stigma against lab diamonds seems like a great idea.
- djdjdjdjdj 6y ago
  As anyone ever would be able to distinguish a real diamond from anything else. Like srsly how often even does someone look longer than a few seconds on your ring? I would bet people can't really determine a difference between glass and a diamond
  - eru 6y ago
    Cubic zirconia is the go-to material for fake diamonds. It's so close, even the jeweler has to break out some equipment. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cubic_zirconia#Cubic_zirconia_versus_diamond https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cubic_zirconia#Cubic_zirconia_...
TekMol 6y ago
Honest question: Why marry in the first place? Why practice a personal relationship in a way others have designed? Isn't it somewhat contrary to the theme of Hacker News? To me, the term "hacking" describes the habit of doing things in a more interesting/efficient/fun way than how they are usually done.
- adrianN 6y ago
  Being married has a bunch of tax benefits where I live.
  - magicalhippo 6y ago
    Here it can also help the partner in case of inheritance. For example, if you haven't lived together for over 3 years and aren't married, then unless there's a will the partner won't inherit anything. If you have a kid, the kid will get most of the inheritance but can't manage the money until they're 18. Been a few cases in the media here where the kid inherits lots of money on a locked account while the partner that's left struggles to make ends meet.
- lewisflude 6y ago
  It's an interesting question! I think a lot of the time when both partners feel getting married adds no value, they don't marry! I know plenty of older couples who never got married and don't regret it. Some good reasons I've heard. 1. Legally it's a lot simpler if you're married, if one partner dies for the other partner to get control over assets/legacy. 2. For many couples it's a ceremonious way of making a commitment that is recognised and understood between cultures. 3. In some cases, it allows for certain benefits/perks to be shared (tax, healthcare). 4. It's fun to have a party and get family together. I personally don't see Hacker News as one homogenous culture with a distinct opinion on what "hacking" is. Being curious, rational and experimental, I still think getting married can fit into that. If you were truly trying to optimise every aspect of life to be some sort of objective best option, I think getting married may or may not be the right option. I do think generally we give too much power to "the culture" over how we live our lives though and so I do think being sceptical of the rituals/ceremonies we're born into is a positive thing.
lordnacho 6y ago
Caved in and bought an expensive diamond. What really counts here is social ideas of what is necessary. You can push against but most people will do what's socially the done thing. I shudder to think what horrible things we might be able to get people to do as a gateway to getting married. Eg the Spartans had to murder a Helot to graduate IIRC. What if you had to beat up a random person to get married? People would still do it I think. Not long after I got married, I read about Moissanite.
trapexit 6y ago
We opted for a moissanite. Partly because of the ethical problems with diamond mining, and partly because my wife didn't want to carry something with the replacement value of a small car around on her finger. See previous discussions of moissanites on HN: https://www.google.com/search?q=moissanite+site%3Anews.ycombinator.com https://www.google.com/search?q=moissanite+site%3Anews.ycomb...
chrisseaton 6y ago
I don't wear a ring at all - don't see why I'd need to. My wife wears one because she wants to. Why do you care what anyone else thinks?
enriquto 6y ago
If you are on the same page as your partner, you'll have no trouble sorting this thing out. In my case I bought a joke ring that cost me about 2$ in a toy store. If you are not on the same page as your partner, you have more important concerns than a stupid ring of metal.
- dotancohen 6y ago
  There are many considerations and compromises to be made when finding a partner. Compromising on her stance regarding blood diamonds might be necessary when finding a partner who shares your other values.
  - paholg 6y ago
    I think it's safe to say that if I were marrying someone who required a blood diamond, we'd be on different enough pages that we should not get married.
    - kijin 6y ago
      Few people outside of a satanic cult would actually require a blood diamond specifically. But people do have different tolerances to the risk of getting a stone that isn't as "conflict-free" as the jeweler says it is.
- tda 6y ago
  I did exactly the same, engagement ring was made of plastic with some fake shiny stone! Though for our wedding rings we did get real gold with no stones.
- shakna 6y ago
  > In my case I bought a joke ring that cost me about 2$ in a toy store. I love it. My ring was a spinner, which people find far more interesting than some pretty stones in it. It cost about $10. Hers was one with a fingernail-sized stone the colour of her eyes, that cost a few hundred. The metals matched on eyesight, which was good enough for us. The rings represented what we expected from our marriage - to join us, the way we were, rather than some showy way of expressing our love. We're no longer in the age of selling a ring to get by if a marriage falls apart or something else happens.
dagw 6y ago
My mother had inherited a bunch of jewelry from her mother, among which was her engagement ring. It was a really nice ring that was just sitting in a box, so I asked if I could have it and used that.
djdjdjdjdj 6y ago
What social constraint requires a ring? We bought the cheapest gold rings we could fined. 757 gold due to the internet saying that below that, your ring will loose material. We wanted wolfram but it's bridle, ring size can't be changed and gold was just the easiest at the end. I think we paid 700$ for both.
CannisterFlux 6y ago
Explain it to them. If they don't understand or come to some compromise, maybe they aren't the right SO to marry. I'm married and we don't wear rings at all, we discussed it and agreed they were pointless and spent the money on better things.
fogihujy 6y ago
The Missus refuse to wear one. We both have (relatively) massive silver wedding bands.
- yason 6y ago
  Same here. We both did want a ring of some sort. I wouldn't care much about the material as long as it takes all the beating from elements that my fingers are subjected to, and Mrs would find diamonds or rocks abhorring and wouldn't even go for a gold band. So we bought modest silver bands that happen to be replicas of some ancient bands found a few hundred years ago locally. Mine has been sitting around my finger for fifteen years now except during a brief enlargening operation.
brobdingnagians 6y ago
Lab grown diamond was much cheaper for the size; looks just as great; I have no emotional attachment to dirt grown or lab grown. I think diamonds are kind of ridiculous since they were a PR campaign by De Beers, but they are quite beautiful, and lab diamonds are high quality for cheap. Social judgement is a real thing and it is nice to just sidestep it with a "good enough diamond" (I think social judgment of diamonds is completely ridiculous, that is the one reason why I considered just not getting a diamond at all so I wasn't in that game). But it is nice to never even have to think about it and people tend to just say "oh that's a nice diamond" (I went for an average "nice" size for my area, not gaudy) and move on, and if it was lost or stolen, I could actually afford to buy another one...
ihalip 6y ago
I opted for a moissanite engagement ring from Charles & Colvard. There really isn't any perceivable difference between moissanite and diamond, except the light reflected by moissanite seems a bit more colourful.
cwingrav 6y ago
My SO did not want a traditional diamond gold engagement ring due to normative ways, consumption, global diamond trade, etc. but it’s hard to not buy such a thing number one, and two, u have to wear it each day. I bought a polar bear diamond (Canadian) which in addition to being mined in a friendly way (environment, labor, etc), uses a cut that hides its size. It’s brilliant in the light and sparkles like no other. Then I chose platinum as it isn’t as showy as gold and doesn’t corrode like silver. So overall, it’s an amazing ring to look at, isn’t traditional but so too hides its cost. Rings are for spending time thinking about your partner and what they want to be shackled with. She really liked it, even though she never would have expected it to look like what it is.
Jiejeing 6y ago
I am curious, is the diamond thing a US-centric trope? I do not know anyone here who genuinely cares about that sort of thing, generally people want some discreet metal ring. It may be a precious ore to symbolize the commitment but otherwise I have not seen anything outlandish among my friends or family members who got married.
- kungito 6y ago
  in the balkans it's definitely a thing
- q3k 6y ago
  Pretty much, the US makes up ~50% of the global diamond jewelry consumer market. It seems the US-focused De Beers marketing campaign from half a century ago is still holding strong.
- nottorp 6y ago
  Eastern Europe. We didn't bother with the engagement stuff and the wedding rings were plain gold bands. Which we don't bother with any more after 20 years. I've almost never heard of anyone buying engagement rings, diamonds or no diamonds. I do know a nouveau riche (or aspirational nouveau riche) couple whose wedding bands have tiny diamonds on them.
- Draken93 6y ago
  In Germany it is not a thing either. Discreet gold/silver rings are much more common. I like it, it is less decadent and you can wear the ring every day.
  - cyberpunk 6y ago
    That's weird, all my SO's friends who are engaged/married here in .de got diamond engagement rings. They also wear a wedding band, and tend to only wear the engagement ring on special occasions..
    - Draken93 6y ago
PartiallyTyped 6y ago
If my SO does not find other rocks far more interesting or insists on a wedding ring, then we are not on the same page. Diamonds are carbon atoms arranged in the most boring fashion, they are almost meteorite poop, and real ones are covered in blood. There's beauty in imperfection and quirky rocks, they are sort of like a metaphore for life.
neilwilson 6y ago
Always remember the whole diamond ring thing was a marketing putsh by DeBeers in the first place. https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/02/how-an-ad-campaign-invented-the-diamond-engagement-ring/385376/ https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/02/ho... So arguably buying a diamond ring has always been a symbol of wage oppression and terrible mining conditions in Africa, and any right thinking person should boycott it. Fortunately my SO isn't that struck by sparkly rocks. She prefers antique jewellery with character and history. Her wedding ring is 150 years old.
- hiharryhere 6y ago
  Likewise. There are some beautiful rings in antique stores that are unlike anything really being made today. Different craft. It's also nice to think that the ring has had a life of its own already and you get to be another chapter in it.
- jfk13 6y ago
  Likewise. My wife now wears my late mother's wedding ring, after we had it remade to fit her. (Resizing was non-trivial, as it is not a simple circle.) It's not hugely valuable, but it has a unique character and history. (Added twist: the jeweller couldn't have it ready in time for the ceremony, so we made do with a dime-store trinket, and swapped it later.)
  - positr0n 6y ago
    The most compliments I ever got on my spouses ring is in the couple months after our first child was born and her fingers were too swollen to wear the original wedding rings. She switched to a $10 Target ring with a huge fake diamond.
- JoshuaEddy 6y ago
  Diamond engagement rings date back to 1477, and diamond jewelry dates back much further. It was viewed as very exclusive/rare. Diamond engagement rings for the masses was from DeBeers advertising starting in 1938. The growth in diamond mine production in the late 1800s tremendously increased diamond supply. DeBeers took advantage of historical perception of rarity and actual lower cost of materials to create a new market.
throwaway6734 6y ago
I gave my wife my grandmother's engagement and wedding rings
kop316 6y ago
Paraphrased from a previous comment of mine (https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26699188 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26699188): I did not get a dianmond, but a Moissanite ring. A couple of things I learned along the way: - I bought the ring and the Moissenite seperately. I bought the ring at a regular jewelry store (my spouse found one she liked). It is a very HARD sell when you buy the ring to also get the diamond. I ended up buying the ring online to pick it up, and I have wondered since then if they would have refused to sell me the ring if I tried to buy it in store without a diamond. - I bought the moissanite online. It was nice seeing a linear increase in price on size versus an exponential price difference (I got it from here: https://www.charlesandcolvard.com/ https://www.charlesandcolvard.com/ ) - When I took the moissanite to a jewelry store to get it mounted, the "fake" diamond detector actually said the moissanite was a diamond! I was actually very surprised to see that, and I was candid in the fact that I brought them a moissanite. - As soon as the jewelry store found out I bought them a moissanite, they said they cannot do anything with it. I ended up bringing the ring and moissanite to a store that deals in moissanites. My spouse likes her ring, and absolutely no one has been able to tell the difference. I have seen is commenting on how "flawless" the "diamond" looks, and the "diamond" must have cost a lot due to it looking flawless.
- andjd 6y ago
  Interesting. When I went in to a jeweler to get my Wife's ring appraised for insurance purposes, the tester they pulled out said that one of the (3) diamonds was moissenite. Not surprised that those testers are nearly worthless.
bryanrasmussen 6y ago
our rings are platinum, as my wife thinks gold is vulgar looking. inscription. No jewels.
hellbannedguy 6y ago
Synthetic stone with microscopic laser etching, "I had a feeling?" on the girdle. (I'm so romantic? Don't be like me.)
wodenokoto 6y ago
I remember reading some threads on slashdot about alternative materials for wedding rings accompanied with stories of why they were more romantic than gold and diamonds. I really wish I could find them or similar discussion because I’d really like to make a push for a non-diamond ring. But as other replies here mention - if she wants a diamond, it’s a diamond that she wants.
edoceo 6y ago
re-used a ring my grandma had (she was done with it)
InvOfSmallC 6y ago
Had to buy it. There was a huge fight about me not threating her well because of this f'ing diamond.
eru 6y ago
Get a ring that doesn't have a diamond in it? Or, buy a ring with a cubic zirconia in it, and don't tell anyone. They are almost indistinguishable from diamonds. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cubic_zirconia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cubic_zirconia
tut-urut-utut 6y ago
Not every society in the world requires a diamond on the wedding ring. In large parts of Europe, the wedding ring is just a golden ring, maybe a bit bigger or nicer, but doesn't cost an arm and a leg compared to other jewellery. I always found the stories that middle-class people are expected to pay 20+K for the wedding ring quite hard to believe, but it may be it's true in some parts of the world.
yrgulation 6y ago
I simply didn't care - bought a meteorite ring instead. Everyone is impressed as few know such a thing exists. I even tell them it's rarer than diamonds (I don't know that for a fact, but it makes a good story for the wow factor).
- BenjiWiebe 6y ago
  Well meteorite rings are definitely rarer than diamond rings.
necheffa 6y ago
I got a ring with a different stone.
wilsonrocks 6y ago
Luckily my wife wanted Peridots but I would not have bought diamonds on ethical grounds.
- bluedevil2k 6y ago
  What ethical grounds? Based off an article you read a few years ago about 1 mine in 1 African country that accounts for < 1% of all global diamond supply?
  - wilsonrocks 5y ago
    Didn't spot this till now, so you may have gone. Largely based on articles I read after watching the film Blood Diamond, actually.
mattowen_uk 6y ago
Engagement rings are rings of ownership - They are a marker to tell other prospective suiters that the wearer is is 'off the market' and belongs to someone else. If you think you are any kind of forward thinking person, you would not be on board with this archaic practice at all. Also, De Beers invented[1] the concept of diamond-based engagement rings back when diamond jewellery sales were at an all time low, as a business-saving incentive. There zero romance in buying one for your partner. --- [1] https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/02/how-an-ad-campaign-invented-the-diamond-engagement-ring/385376/ https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/02/ho...
- whitepaint 6y ago
  > If you think you are any kind of forward thinking person, you would not be on board with this archaic practice at all. What if both people want to do it? You are demonstrating a vast amount of ignorance.
  - mattowen_uk 6y ago
    > You are demonstrating a vast amount of ignorance. No need for insults. I'm allowed my own opinion on this. I am also allowed to express it, this is, after all, a discussion forum.
    - zamadatix 6y ago
      Probably best to remove "If you think you are any kind of forward thinking person" from your discussion starter if soft insults are going to be a problem. But back to the actual topic, what about the point they raise: What if both people want to do it?
    - depaya 6y ago
      You posted your opinion, a very broad statement suggesting it was bad for certain people to believe something. They countered your opinion with their own, stating your opinion was ignorant and offered an example as to why. This is a discussion forum, but you sure seem to have a problem with sometime attempting to respond to you. Do you not see the irony?
prawn 6y ago
Knew my partner wanted a diamond and of a certain cut. Knew I wasn't excited about spending a fortune on a diamond. So I split the budget midway so half was spent on the diamond/ring and half was spent on a trip to propose overseas somewhere memorable. Ultimately the happiness of your partner is what counts, but this combination made it more palatable for my practical self.
stilley2 6y ago
My (now) wife picked out her engagement ring on Etsy. It's an antique ring with a sapphire gem. Of course that took away some of the surprise from the proposal, but we were of the opinion that the fact one wants to get married shouldn't be a surprise. And the time/place of the proposal can still be somewhat of a surprise, or at least special.
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
KennethPT 6y ago
Alternate view: Almost everything in life is ridiculous when you view it with cold logic. It's utterly ridiculous to put golden balls on a fake tree in your house every year, but due to societal constraints most people in Western societies do it. Your SO probably doesn't want a logical gift, she wants something sentimental that makes her feel that you care about her. For some people, that's an expensive rock with no utility, for others it might be something different. But applying logic to what's ultimately an emotional, illogical affair isn't always productive.
- pydry 6y ago
  Rituals do make a lot of sense even if the content of them makes no intrinsic sense: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-rituals-work/ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-rituals-work/
  - tialaramex 6y ago
    You should where possible create rituals which do have a direct purpose anyway. Big example of real rituals which have purpose, Key Signing Ceremonies. Small example, when I leave somewhere I always pat both pockets twice, everything I absolutely need is always in those pockets, keys, wallet, phone. And so I won't leave them behind. The weird thing about the diamond engagement ring is that it isn't a powerful symbol of anything. The wedding ring is the powerful symbol, and that would conventionally just be a metal band. You see those everywhere which is of course made more practical by their being a simple metal band.
    - cecilpl2 6y ago
      > when I leave somewhere I always pat both pockets twice, everything I absolutely need is always in those pockets, keys, wallet, phone. After my wallet fell out of my pants pocket into my office chair and I thought I'd lost it for 2 days, I updated this ritual to do it every time I walk through a doorway. That way if I lose something I know exactly which room it's in.
gspr 6y ago
America is leaking again.
fy20 6y ago
Engagement ring had a diamond, but pretty basic. Think I paid €250 six years ago (which wasn't even 3 days salary, let alone 3 months). Wedding rings are just white gold.
Draken93 6y ago
I did not know that marriage rings with diamonds are so important in the US. In Germany it is pretty common to have plain gold/silver rings.
Tade0 6y ago
Not married (yet), but I gave my SO an "engagement iPad". It was around what you would expect an engagement ring to cost you in this region of the world, the lens cover is made out of sapphire crystal so the jewelry aspect is there, and should I perish in an accident the resale value should give her 2-3 months of runway assuming she moves in with my family, considering we have an infant daughter. On top of that she very much enjoys the practical aspect of this gift.
exhilaration 6y ago
We got Canadian diamonds when we got married. Things may have changed in the past decade or so but back then they were a safe cruelty-free option.
alienchow 6y ago
My wife told me not to get anything for my eventual proposal because she's not going to be wearing it. She preemptively said yes before I did anything. But a ring is still needed for the ceremony. I bought some small amounts of rose gold and white gold, gave it to a custom jeweler and told them to do whatever they always wanted to do (but no client ever accepted) using only the gold I bought. They gave me back a rose gold ring, with a gigantic "gemstone" made of the white gold I bought. From far away, the ring made everyone think it had a huge diamond on it. It was really funny. Total cost $1000 including labor, not cheap but at least the ring was special. Formally proposed with it and my wife liked it. My wife, as promised, never wore it after the wedding. She likes to be not robbed.
warmwaffles 6y ago
Instead of a diamond ring, I went with a saphire ring. My wife likes blue and it was all I could afford at the time (~$800). She loved it either way and knows we were dead ass broke at the time and doesn't complain. She works as a physical therapist now and wears a silicon ring because she bent the wedding ring giving CPR to a patient in a hospital a few years ago (patient lived).
slumdev 6y ago
I bought her a diamond ring, and we got married.
eatbitseveryday 6y ago
I bought a 1.5 carat lab-grown clear sapphire for $900 and had it installed into a custom old-school setting made of platinum. I said, in many earlier conversations, diamonds are overpriced and I wouldn’t waste my money on it.
rednerrus 6y ago
I just bought a $4,000 diamond ring from a jeweler in India for $550.
CapmCrackaWaka 6y ago
It's got to be a conversation between you and your spouse - my (now wife) said she definitely wanted a diamond. I ended up proposing with my great grandmothers ring, that has a small diamond. She loved it. Some people will want to go select a ring together at diamonds direct. Some won't even care about a ring. As far as friends and family goes, they can get over it. I actually have a lot of fun telling people about the current scam that are diamonds, if they make any sideways remarks about my wife and my preferences. There really is no defending the diamond industry, so if they are pushy or too nosy, it's an easy argument to 'win'.
klmadfejno 6y ago
Moissanite ring for < $1,000. Upper middle class, northeast coast american. Nobody in my social circle thinks rings are important, including SO. Observationally, younger couples who have been dating longer tend to care less about rings. Older couples who have been dating less seem to care more.
lief79 6y ago
My wife understood my concerns, and she really wanted a diamond that was left to her by her grandmother. Easy compromise with a custom ring. ( I also managed to accidentally end two relationships that were already going in the wrong direction by casually mentioning my concerns about diamonds. At least I noticed how it was being interpreted the second time. 8-/ No complaints with how that accidentally played out. )
dcre 6y ago
Bought yellow gold and white gold wedding bands on Amazon for a few hundred dollars each.
1-more 6y ago
I bought a lab diamond ezpz. Or do Moissanite: SiC is damn near the same everything as diamond. Or do any other charming non-clear stone.
cwkoss 6y ago
Had a good experience through diamond nexus - was able to get a custom designed synthetic for a good price.

Married members of HN, what did you do if you think diamonds are utterly ridiclious however due to societal constraints some kind of ring is required for your SO?

pjc50 6y ago

We bought an antique one, containing two diamonds and a nice large amethyst. Because the diamond secondhand market trades at such a detriment to new ones this was very affordable.

tdrgabi 6y ago

It depends on culture. In my country, a gold or silver ring is acceptable.

StavrosK 6y ago
In my country, a simple gold band is also customary. When you think "wedding ring", you think "simple gold band". They all look the same.
- lewisflude 6y ago
  In the UK at least, there is an "engagement ring" that has a diamond typically, and then a "wedding band" that is typically a gold (or silver) band that goes next to the engagement ring on the ring finger, with a similar ring for the other partner on the ring finger.
chrisseaton 6y ago
> a gold or silver ring is acceptable As in not having a ring is 'unacceptable' somehow then?
- croo 6y ago
  Not op, but yes. Engagement traditionally is giving a ring to your desired future wife. I don't understand your point. Of course you can ignore tradition but then why marry in the first place?
  - chrisseaton 6y ago
    I mean who is it unacceptable to? Who complains if you don't have a ring and what do they do about it? If someone told me they thought it was unacceptable that I didn't have a ring I'd laugh at them.
    - mavhc 6y ago
      Unacceptable to sexists
    - simias 6y ago
      The conversation is framed from the point of view of tradition in some parts of the world. Of course the cops won't arrest you if you decide not to get an engagement ring. It's like going to work in flip flops, it's not illegal, just frowned upon in many circles. These faux-intellectual "I'm a robot, beep boop I don't understand context and I parse conversations like a compiler would, semantic error on line 5" conversations are probably the least productive on this website, and they're unfortunately very common. It's not smart, it's just obtuse.
  - eru 6y ago
    > Of course you can ignore tradition but then why marry in the first place? Taxation, adoption, power of attorney, inheritance taxes, etc.
    - username90 6y ago
      Those doesn't apply in all jurisdictions. There is no reason why laws should give special privileges to marriages over other forms of relationships.
      - eru 6y ago
        Yes, different jurisdictions treat marriage differently. > There is no reason why laws should give special privileges to marriages over other forms of relationships. I tend to agree, but that's a normative question and doesn't change the legal facts we have to deal with. (At least not directly. Laws are made by people, and if enough people or the right people care for laws to be different, laws can be changed.)
- tomhoward 6y ago
  That's not really what they meant by "acceptable" - just that either of those metals are traditional. What's "acceptable" depends on the people in the relationship, and what will make each of them happy. I didn't have a ring when I proposed to my partner as it was a fairly spontaneous decision when we were in a foreign country, and I knew the location of the proposal would matter much more to her than a ring. But then after we got back we worked together with a jeweller to design a ring, which made sense as she has better design judgment than me, and we weren't doing anything very lavish/expensive, just something tasteful that she would love (for the record it didn't have diamonds, but rather a morganite stone with white gold).

gtirloni 6y ago

Just bought it and moved on. I'm happy that she's happy. I couldn't care less.

lifeisstillgood 6y ago
Just to say, thats a great attitude - and that I am happy to hear is an option amoungst a sea of 'if you are not on the same page your marriage is in trouble' comments
woofcat 6y ago
Yeah, I'm not understanding a lot of the sentiment here. I suppose if you're a fresh grad, or not making a ton of money. However if an engagement ring's cost is some barrier to getting married... perhaps you're too young to get married? Life is expensive, and between cars, house, the actual wedding, kids, etc. The money I spent on my wives engagement ring seems like child's play. Also I feel like most women want it, because it's what everyone asks of them. 100% it's societal pressure. If you tell someone you got engaged, question #1 will be "Ohh let me see the ring!"
- float4 6y ago
  > Also I feel like most women want it, because it's what everyone asks of them. To me it feels more like a classic case of mimetism: all beautiful / successful / happy / rich people have a diamond ring, so most women naturally want one too. It's not really about fear, but more about a strong desire to have the same object as your role models.
  - woofcat 6y ago
    Perhaps mimetism. Do you lump say all fashion under that category as well? I think there is an unofficial "pecking order" of society. People treat you differently if you roll up in a new Mercedes vs a new Honda. If your purse is a Louis Vuitton or a Walmart brand. They all functionally do the same thing, but society uses these things to lump people into camps. In that same regard, I've seen women who are not materialistic seem embarrassed to show off their modest ring which is wrong. I think a lot of people treat engagement rings in the same way as designer bags, and nice cars. We can say it doesn't matter, but if society ranks you differently I think it does matter on some level.

mhroth 6y ago

Ask your partner what they want. Then do that. Your opinion on this matter is not particularly important ;)

tonyedgecombe 6y ago
Your opinion on this matter is not particularly important ;) Although you should bear in mind there is a correlation between the amount spent on getting married and the likelihood of divorce.
- tromp 6y ago
  Is that a positive or a negative correlation?
  - tonyedgecombe 6y ago
    Positive, the more you spend the more likely divorce.
    - dagw 6y ago
      The more you spent, the richer both of you are. The richer both of you are, the easier it is to afford getting divorced.
      - tonyedgecombe 6y ago
        Possibly although that would be fairly easy to filter out in a study.
- paulcole 6y ago
  Yes, although one isn’t necessarily causative of the other.
2pEXgD0fZ5cF 6y ago
> Your opinion on this matter is not particularly important Feeling sorry for the people that go in a marriage with those kind of sentiments about their partner, or about relationships/marriage in general.

MattGaiser 6y ago

Build a Wall-E type robot to deliver a lab grown one to create environmental vibes.

lewisflude 6y ago

Not married, but engaged! I ended up buying a diamond on James Allen (they allow you to select earth created or lab created). They allege their mined diamonds are "conflict free" https://www.jamesallen.com/education/diamonds/grading-conflict-free/ https://www.jamesallen.com/education/diamonds/grading-confli.... However, my feeling is I don't trust this 100%, and for my SO having a "real diamond" meant a lot. For me, in this case, the need to get a "real diamond" for my SO trumped my ethical stance on where the diamond was sourced. I think if you are going for 100% ethical purity, then you should either get no diamond (many other beautiful, precious gemstones if you still want one) or just go for it to make your SO happy.

sharken 6y ago
As long as the concept "real diamond", as in mined the traditional way exists, then real change will be slow. It will be interesting to see if companies will try to market "real diamonds" and how the market will respond.
- lewisflude 6y ago
  When you buy a mined diamond, you are paying for the story, of it being a finite thing, formed in the earth over a very long period of time. Lab grown diamonds don't have that story. Separately, the work that goes into cutting/finishing diamonds is incredible and there is a huge amount of variety between individual diamonds. They are very fascinating things.
  - Nursie 6y ago
    That sounds like industry apologetics, to me. I don't know that the population in general are that keen on geology.
    - lewisflude 6y ago
      I don't mean to sound like I'm apologising for the industry. I agree with you, the general population don't care about the geology of diamonds. But there's definitely this feeling that lab grown diamonds are seen as this "other" thing that "isn't real" and I think that largely stems from this mythical idea of diamonds being rare things that are found in the earth. I think it's quite common knowledge that diamonds were traditionally mined before we were able to make them in a lab, and because of this it's seen as the default to which any other methods of making a diamond are compared.

sneak 6y ago

Rings also fall under the category of utterly ridiculous. A marriage isn’t jewelry.

JackFr 6y ago
Along with being a visible symbol of my love and commitment to my wife, I also use my wedding ring to open beer bottles - so, you know, not utterly ridiculous.

madarcho 6y ago

Talk about it. It may turn out that the societal constraints don't enforce the conflict mined diamond. And you may find out more about what it is that is motivating the choice. But you can't force things and insist that the whole thing is a useless charade. Objectively, sure, but not everything in life has to be.

rm445 6y ago

There are lots of other types of pretty rock available. I think also if you decide to bow to those constraints, grit your teeth and buy a diamond, you can get ones certified to as less likely to have murder and slavery involved in their extraction. Albeit you'd still be supporting that ridiculous market indirectly. Smashing the stigma against lab diamonds seems like a great idea.

djdjdjdjdj 6y ago
As anyone ever would be able to distinguish a real diamond from anything else. Like srsly how often even does someone look longer than a few seconds on your ring? I would bet people can't really determine a difference between glass and a diamond
- eru 6y ago
  Cubic zirconia is the go-to material for fake diamonds. It's so close, even the jeweler has to break out some equipment. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cubic_zirconia#Cubic_zirconia_versus_diamond https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cubic_zirconia#Cubic_zirconia_...

TekMol 6y ago

Honest question: Why marry in the first place? Why practice a personal relationship in a way others have designed? Isn't it somewhat contrary to the theme of Hacker News? To me, the term "hacking" describes the habit of doing things in a more interesting/efficient/fun way than how they are usually done.

adrianN 6y ago
Being married has a bunch of tax benefits where I live.
- magicalhippo 6y ago
  Here it can also help the partner in case of inheritance. For example, if you haven't lived together for over 3 years and aren't married, then unless there's a will the partner won't inherit anything. If you have a kid, the kid will get most of the inheritance but can't manage the money until they're 18. Been a few cases in the media here where the kid inherits lots of money on a locked account while the partner that's left struggles to make ends meet.
lewisflude 6y ago
It's an interesting question! I think a lot of the time when both partners feel getting married adds no value, they don't marry! I know plenty of older couples who never got married and don't regret it. Some good reasons I've heard. 1. Legally it's a lot simpler if you're married, if one partner dies for the other partner to get control over assets/legacy. 2. For many couples it's a ceremonious way of making a commitment that is recognised and understood between cultures. 3. In some cases, it allows for certain benefits/perks to be shared (tax, healthcare). 4. It's fun to have a party and get family together. I personally don't see Hacker News as one homogenous culture with a distinct opinion on what "hacking" is. Being curious, rational and experimental, I still think getting married can fit into that. If you were truly trying to optimise every aspect of life to be some sort of objective best option, I think getting married may or may not be the right option. I do think generally we give too much power to "the culture" over how we live our lives though and so I do think being sceptical of the rituals/ceremonies we're born into is a positive thing.

lordnacho 6y ago

Caved in and bought an expensive diamond. What really counts here is social ideas of what is necessary. You can push against but most people will do what's socially the done thing. I shudder to think what horrible things we might be able to get people to do as a gateway to getting married. Eg the Spartans had to murder a Helot to graduate IIRC. What if you had to beat up a random person to get married? People would still do it I think. Not long after I got married, I read about Moissanite.

trapexit 6y ago

We opted for a moissanite. Partly because of the ethical problems with diamond mining, and partly because my wife didn't want to carry something with the replacement value of a small car around on her finger. See previous discussions of moissanites on HN: https://www.google.com/search?q=moissanite+site%3Anews.ycombinator.com https://www.google.com/search?q=moissanite+site%3Anews.ycomb...

chrisseaton 6y ago

I don't wear a ring at all - don't see why I'd need to. My wife wears one because she wants to. Why do you care what anyone else thinks?

enriquto 6y ago

If you are on the same page as your partner, you'll have no trouble sorting this thing out. In my case I bought a joke ring that cost me about 2$ in a toy store. If you are not on the same page as your partner, you have more important concerns than a stupid ring of metal.

dotancohen 6y ago
There are many considerations and compromises to be made when finding a partner. Compromising on her stance regarding blood diamonds might be necessary when finding a partner who shares your other values.
- paholg 6y ago
  I think it's safe to say that if I were marrying someone who required a blood diamond, we'd be on different enough pages that we should not get married.
  - kijin 6y ago
    Few people outside of a satanic cult would actually require a blood diamond specifically. But people do have different tolerances to the risk of getting a stone that isn't as "conflict-free" as the jeweler says it is.
tda 6y ago
I did exactly the same, engagement ring was made of plastic with some fake shiny stone! Though for our wedding rings we did get real gold with no stones.
shakna 6y ago
> In my case I bought a joke ring that cost me about 2$ in a toy store. I love it. My ring was a spinner, which people find far more interesting than some pretty stones in it. It cost about $10. Hers was one with a fingernail-sized stone the colour of her eyes, that cost a few hundred. The metals matched on eyesight, which was good enough for us. The rings represented what we expected from our marriage - to join us, the way we were, rather than some showy way of expressing our love. We're no longer in the age of selling a ring to get by if a marriage falls apart or something else happens.

dagw 6y ago

My mother had inherited a bunch of jewelry from her mother, among which was her engagement ring. It was a really nice ring that was just sitting in a box, so I asked if I could have it and used that.

djdjdjdjdj 6y ago

What social constraint requires a ring? We bought the cheapest gold rings we could fined. 757 gold due to the internet saying that below that, your ring will loose material. We wanted wolfram but it's bridle, ring size can't be changed and gold was just the easiest at the end. I think we paid 700$ for both.

CannisterFlux 6y ago

Explain it to them. If they don't understand or come to some compromise, maybe they aren't the right SO to marry. I'm married and we don't wear rings at all, we discussed it and agreed they were pointless and spent the money on better things.

fogihujy 6y ago

The Missus refuse to wear one. We both have (relatively) massive silver wedding bands.

yason 6y ago
Same here. We both did want a ring of some sort. I wouldn't care much about the material as long as it takes all the beating from elements that my fingers are subjected to, and Mrs would find diamonds or rocks abhorring and wouldn't even go for a gold band. So we bought modest silver bands that happen to be replicas of some ancient bands found a few hundred years ago locally. Mine has been sitting around my finger for fifteen years now except during a brief enlargening operation.

brobdingnagians 6y ago

Lab grown diamond was much cheaper for the size; looks just as great; I have no emotional attachment to dirt grown or lab grown. I think diamonds are kind of ridiculous since they were a PR campaign by De Beers, but they are quite beautiful, and lab diamonds are high quality for cheap. Social judgement is a real thing and it is nice to just sidestep it with a "good enough diamond" (I think social judgment of diamonds is completely ridiculous, that is the one reason why I considered just not getting a diamond at all so I wasn't in that game). But it is nice to never even have to think about it and people tend to just say "oh that's a nice diamond" (I went for an average "nice" size for my area, not gaudy) and move on, and if it was lost or stolen, I could actually afford to buy another one...

ihalip 6y ago

I opted for a moissanite engagement ring from Charles & Colvard. There really isn't any perceivable difference between moissanite and diamond, except the light reflected by moissanite seems a bit more colourful.

cwingrav 6y ago

My SO did not want a traditional diamond gold engagement ring due to normative ways, consumption, global diamond trade, etc. but it’s hard to not buy such a thing number one, and two, u have to wear it each day. I bought a polar bear diamond (Canadian) which in addition to being mined in a friendly way (environment, labor, etc), uses a cut that hides its size. It’s brilliant in the light and sparkles like no other. Then I chose platinum as it isn’t as showy as gold and doesn’t corrode like silver. So overall, it’s an amazing ring to look at, isn’t traditional but so too hides its cost. Rings are for spending time thinking about your partner and what they want to be shackled with. She really liked it, even though she never would have expected it to look like what it is.

Jiejeing 6y ago

I am curious, is the diamond thing a US-centric trope? I do not know anyone here who genuinely cares about that sort of thing, generally people want some discreet metal ring. It may be a precious ore to symbolize the commitment but otherwise I have not seen anything outlandish among my friends or family members who got married.

kungito 6y ago
in the balkans it's definitely a thing
q3k 6y ago
Pretty much, the US makes up ~50% of the global diamond jewelry consumer market. It seems the US-focused De Beers marketing campaign from half a century ago is still holding strong.
nottorp 6y ago
Eastern Europe. We didn't bother with the engagement stuff and the wedding rings were plain gold bands. Which we don't bother with any more after 20 years. I've almost never heard of anyone buying engagement rings, diamonds or no diamonds. I do know a nouveau riche (or aspirational nouveau riche) couple whose wedding bands have tiny diamonds on them.
Draken93 6y ago
In Germany it is not a thing either. Discreet gold/silver rings are much more common. I like it, it is less decadent and you can wear the ring every day.
- cyberpunk 6y ago
  That's weird, all my SO's friends who are engaged/married here in .de got diamond engagement rings. They also wear a wedding band, and tend to only wear the engagement ring on special occasions..
  - Draken93 6y ago

PartiallyTyped 6y ago

If my SO does not find other rocks far more interesting or insists on a wedding ring, then we are not on the same page. Diamonds are carbon atoms arranged in the most boring fashion, they are almost meteorite poop, and real ones are covered in blood. There's beauty in imperfection and quirky rocks, they are sort of like a metaphore for life.

neilwilson 6y ago

Always remember the whole diamond ring thing was a marketing putsh by DeBeers in the first place. https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/02/how-an-ad-campaign-invented-the-diamond-engagement-ring/385376/ https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/02/ho... So arguably buying a diamond ring has always been a symbol of wage oppression and terrible mining conditions in Africa, and any right thinking person should boycott it. Fortunately my SO isn't that struck by sparkly rocks. She prefers antique jewellery with character and history. Her wedding ring is 150 years old.

hiharryhere 6y ago
Likewise. There are some beautiful rings in antique stores that are unlike anything really being made today. Different craft. It's also nice to think that the ring has had a life of its own already and you get to be another chapter in it.
jfk13 6y ago
Likewise. My wife now wears my late mother's wedding ring, after we had it remade to fit her. (Resizing was non-trivial, as it is not a simple circle.) It's not hugely valuable, but it has a unique character and history. (Added twist: the jeweller couldn't have it ready in time for the ceremony, so we made do with a dime-store trinket, and swapped it later.)
- positr0n 6y ago
  The most compliments I ever got on my spouses ring is in the couple months after our first child was born and her fingers were too swollen to wear the original wedding rings. She switched to a $10 Target ring with a huge fake diamond.
JoshuaEddy 6y ago
Diamond engagement rings date back to 1477, and diamond jewelry dates back much further. It was viewed as very exclusive/rare. Diamond engagement rings for the masses was from DeBeers advertising starting in 1938. The growth in diamond mine production in the late 1800s tremendously increased diamond supply. DeBeers took advantage of historical perception of rarity and actual lower cost of materials to create a new market.

throwaway6734 6y ago

I gave my wife my grandmother's engagement and wedding rings

kop316 6y ago

Paraphrased from a previous comment of mine (https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26699188 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26699188): I did not get a dianmond, but a Moissanite ring. A couple of things I learned along the way: - I bought the ring and the Moissenite seperately. I bought the ring at a regular jewelry store (my spouse found one she liked). It is a very HARD sell when you buy the ring to also get the diamond. I ended up buying the ring online to pick it up, and I have wondered since then if they would have refused to sell me the ring if I tried to buy it in store without a diamond. - I bought the moissanite online. It was nice seeing a linear increase in price on size versus an exponential price difference (I got it from here: https://www.charlesandcolvard.com/ https://www.charlesandcolvard.com/ ) - When I took the moissanite to a jewelry store to get it mounted, the "fake" diamond detector actually said the moissanite was a diamond! I was actually very surprised to see that, and I was candid in the fact that I brought them a moissanite. - As soon as the jewelry store found out I bought them a moissanite, they said they cannot do anything with it. I ended up bringing the ring and moissanite to a store that deals in moissanites. My spouse likes her ring, and absolutely no one has been able to tell the difference. I have seen is commenting on how "flawless" the "diamond" looks, and the "diamond" must have cost a lot due to it looking flawless.

andjd 6y ago
Interesting. When I went in to a jeweler to get my Wife's ring appraised for insurance purposes, the tester they pulled out said that one of the (3) diamonds was moissenite. Not surprised that those testers are nearly worthless.

bryanrasmussen 6y ago

our rings are platinum, as my wife thinks gold is vulgar looking. inscription. No jewels.

hellbannedguy 6y ago

Synthetic stone with microscopic laser etching, "I had a feeling?" on the girdle. (I'm so romantic? Don't be like me.)

wodenokoto 6y ago

I remember reading some threads on slashdot about alternative materials for wedding rings accompanied with stories of why they were more romantic than gold and diamonds. I really wish I could find them or similar discussion because I’d really like to make a push for a non-diamond ring. But as other replies here mention - if she wants a diamond, it’s a diamond that she wants.

edoceo 6y ago

re-used a ring my grandma had (she was done with it)

InvOfSmallC 6y ago

Had to buy it. There was a huge fight about me not threating her well because of this f'ing diamond.

eru 6y ago

Get a ring that doesn't have a diamond in it? Or, buy a ring with a cubic zirconia in it, and don't tell anyone. They are almost indistinguishable from diamonds. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cubic_zirconia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cubic_zirconia

tut-urut-utut 6y ago

Not every society in the world requires a diamond on the wedding ring. In large parts of Europe, the wedding ring is just a golden ring, maybe a bit bigger or nicer, but doesn't cost an arm and a leg compared to other jewellery. I always found the stories that middle-class people are expected to pay 20+K for the wedding ring quite hard to believe, but it may be it's true in some parts of the world.

yrgulation 6y ago

I simply didn't care - bought a meteorite ring instead. Everyone is impressed as few know such a thing exists. I even tell them it's rarer than diamonds (I don't know that for a fact, but it makes a good story for the wow factor).

BenjiWiebe 6y ago
Well meteorite rings are definitely rarer than diamond rings.

necheffa 6y ago

I got a ring with a different stone.

wilsonrocks 6y ago

Luckily my wife wanted Peridots but I would not have bought diamonds on ethical grounds.

bluedevil2k 6y ago
What ethical grounds? Based off an article you read a few years ago about 1 mine in 1 African country that accounts for < 1% of all global diamond supply?
- wilsonrocks 5y ago
  Didn't spot this till now, so you may have gone. Largely based on articles I read after watching the film Blood Diamond, actually.

mattowen_uk 6y ago

Engagement rings are rings of ownership - They are a marker to tell other prospective suiters that the wearer is is 'off the market' and belongs to someone else. If you think you are any kind of forward thinking person, you would not be on board with this archaic practice at all. Also, De Beers invented[1] the concept of diamond-based engagement rings back when diamond jewellery sales were at an all time low, as a business-saving incentive. There zero romance in buying one for your partner. --- [1] https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/02/how-an-ad-campaign-invented-the-diamond-engagement-ring/385376/ https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/02/ho...

whitepaint 6y ago
> If you think you are any kind of forward thinking person, you would not be on board with this archaic practice at all. What if both people want to do it? You are demonstrating a vast amount of ignorance.
- mattowen_uk 6y ago
  > You are demonstrating a vast amount of ignorance. No need for insults. I'm allowed my own opinion on this. I am also allowed to express it, this is, after all, a discussion forum.
  - zamadatix 6y ago
    Probably best to remove "If you think you are any kind of forward thinking person" from your discussion starter if soft insults are going to be a problem. But back to the actual topic, what about the point they raise: What if both people want to do it?
  - depaya 6y ago
    You posted your opinion, a very broad statement suggesting it was bad for certain people to believe something. They countered your opinion with their own, stating your opinion was ignorant and offered an example as to why. This is a discussion forum, but you sure seem to have a problem with sometime attempting to respond to you. Do you not see the irony?

prawn 6y ago

Knew my partner wanted a diamond and of a certain cut. Knew I wasn't excited about spending a fortune on a diamond. So I split the budget midway so half was spent on the diamond/ring and half was spent on a trip to propose overseas somewhere memorable. Ultimately the happiness of your partner is what counts, but this combination made it more palatable for my practical self.

stilley2 6y ago

My (now) wife picked out her engagement ring on Etsy. It's an antique ring with a sapphire gem. Of course that took away some of the surprise from the proposal, but we were of the opinion that the fact one wants to get married shouldn't be a surprise. And the time/place of the proposal can still be somewhat of a surprise, or at least special.

deleted 6y ago

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KennethPT 6y ago

Alternate view: Almost everything in life is ridiculous when you view it with cold logic. It's utterly ridiculous to put golden balls on a fake tree in your house every year, but due to societal constraints most people in Western societies do it. Your SO probably doesn't want a logical gift, she wants something sentimental that makes her feel that you care about her. For some people, that's an expensive rock with no utility, for others it might be something different. But applying logic to what's ultimately an emotional, illogical affair isn't always productive.

pydry 6y ago
Rituals do make a lot of sense even if the content of them makes no intrinsic sense: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-rituals-work/ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-rituals-work/
- tialaramex 6y ago
  You should where possible create rituals which do have a direct purpose anyway. Big example of real rituals which have purpose, Key Signing Ceremonies. Small example, when I leave somewhere I always pat both pockets twice, everything I absolutely need is always in those pockets, keys, wallet, phone. And so I won't leave them behind. The weird thing about the diamond engagement ring is that it isn't a powerful symbol of anything. The wedding ring is the powerful symbol, and that would conventionally just be a metal band. You see those everywhere which is of course made more practical by their being a simple metal band.
  - cecilpl2 6y ago
    > when I leave somewhere I always pat both pockets twice, everything I absolutely need is always in those pockets, keys, wallet, phone. After my wallet fell out of my pants pocket into my office chair and I thought I'd lost it for 2 days, I updated this ritual to do it every time I walk through a doorway. That way if I lose something I know exactly which room it's in.

gspr 6y ago

America is leaking again.

fy20 6y ago

Engagement ring had a diamond, but pretty basic. Think I paid €250 six years ago (which wasn't even 3 days salary, let alone 3 months). Wedding rings are just white gold.

Draken93 6y ago

I did not know that marriage rings with diamonds are so important in the US. In Germany it is pretty common to have plain gold/silver rings.

Tade0 6y ago

Not married (yet), but I gave my SO an "engagement iPad". It was around what you would expect an engagement ring to cost you in this region of the world, the lens cover is made out of sapphire crystal so the jewelry aspect is there, and should I perish in an accident the resale value should give her 2-3 months of runway assuming she moves in with my family, considering we have an infant daughter. On top of that she very much enjoys the practical aspect of this gift.

exhilaration 6y ago

We got Canadian diamonds when we got married. Things may have changed in the past decade or so but back then they were a safe cruelty-free option.

alienchow 6y ago

My wife told me not to get anything for my eventual proposal because she's not going to be wearing it. She preemptively said yes before I did anything. But a ring is still needed for the ceremony. I bought some small amounts of rose gold and white gold, gave it to a custom jeweler and told them to do whatever they always wanted to do (but no client ever accepted) using only the gold I bought. They gave me back a rose gold ring, with a gigantic "gemstone" made of the white gold I bought. From far away, the ring made everyone think it had a huge diamond on it. It was really funny. Total cost $1000 including labor, not cheap but at least the ring was special. Formally proposed with it and my wife liked it. My wife, as promised, never wore it after the wedding. She likes to be not robbed.

warmwaffles 6y ago

Instead of a diamond ring, I went with a saphire ring. My wife likes blue and it was all I could afford at the time (~$800). She loved it either way and knows we were dead ass broke at the time and doesn't complain. She works as a physical therapist now and wears a silicon ring because she bent the wedding ring giving CPR to a patient in a hospital a few years ago (patient lived).

slumdev 6y ago

I bought her a diamond ring, and we got married.

eatbitseveryday 6y ago

I bought a 1.5 carat lab-grown clear sapphire for $900 and had it installed into a custom old-school setting made of platinum. I said, in many earlier conversations, diamonds are overpriced and I wouldn’t waste my money on it.

rednerrus 6y ago

I just bought a $4,000 diamond ring from a jeweler in India for $550.

CapmCrackaWaka 6y ago

It's got to be a conversation between you and your spouse - my (now wife) said she definitely wanted a diamond. I ended up proposing with my great grandmothers ring, that has a small diamond. She loved it. Some people will want to go select a ring together at diamonds direct. Some won't even care about a ring. As far as friends and family goes, they can get over it. I actually have a lot of fun telling people about the current scam that are diamonds, if they make any sideways remarks about my wife and my preferences. There really is no defending the diamond industry, so if they are pushy or too nosy, it's an easy argument to 'win'.

klmadfejno 6y ago

Moissanite ring for < $1,000. Upper middle class, northeast coast american. Nobody in my social circle thinks rings are important, including SO. Observationally, younger couples who have been dating longer tend to care less about rings. Older couples who have been dating less seem to care more.

lief79 6y ago

My wife understood my concerns, and she really wanted a diamond that was left to her by her grandmother. Easy compromise with a custom ring. ( I also managed to accidentally end two relationships that were already going in the wrong direction by casually mentioning my concerns about diamonds. At least I noticed how it was being interpreted the second time. 8-/ No complaints with how that accidentally played out. )

dcre 6y ago

Bought yellow gold and white gold wedding bands on Amazon for a few hundred dollars each.

1-more 6y ago

I bought a lab diamond ezpz. Or do Moissanite: SiC is damn near the same everything as diamond. Or do any other charming non-clear stone.

cwkoss 6y ago

Had a good experience through diamond nexus - was able to get a custom designed synthetic for a good price.