19 ms·

You Are Not ‘Behind’ (2016)

245 points by enigmatic02 6y ago

01100011 6y ago
tl;dr: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." - S.Smalley Am I missing something?
- spiritplumber 6y ago
  I don't get it.
  - 01100011 6y ago
    It's an old SNL skit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ldAQ6Rh5ZI https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ldAQ6Rh5ZI
    - spiritplumber 6y ago
      thanks!
      - 01100011 6y ago
        That's former US Senator Al Franken, by the way :)
vkdelta 6y ago
related post: this is a great read. https://web.archive.org/web/20190401041033/http://rahulbijlani.com/essays/you-are-not-running-out-of-time-essay https://web.archive.org/web/20190401041033/http://rahulbijla... https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2778342 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2778342
mattnewton 6y ago
Counterpoint- this feeling, while it makes you miserable, might actually be adaptive if all the "high performers" you know express feeling it. The desire to honestly face your progress, judge it as wanting and then do something about it is necessary for improvement. The author is correct that wallowing doesn't help, but it's possible that the guilt that prevents you from excusing yourself will also keep you on track.
- ianai 6y ago
  The feeling of "being behind" is probably mostly anxiety or jealousy. Clearly many people are led astray by those feelings. It can blind a person from what is actually in front of them because they're stuck imagining where they're not. Maybe they've been highly successful following the "pro-forma" until they fail to realize they're in a novel situation and make a critical mistake applying the "pro-forma" solution.
- Causality1 6y ago
  Exactly the point I was going to make. Just because something is unpleasant doesn't make it destructive. Resisting junk food is unpleasant. Obeying the speed limit is unpleasant.
  - haswell 6y ago
    Taken to an extreme, feeling "behind" all the time can also lead to a different outcome: giving up, or choosing not to start something at all. As is so often true, the ideal state is likely somewhere in the middle. A healthy recognition of ones goals and progress against those goals...without self judgement. To your point, unpleasant does not automatically equal destructive. But unpleasant without perspective on why that unpleasant thing is also beneficial is going to lead to some negative outcomes. Generally, people understand why the speed limit exists, and there is enough info about healthy eating that most people get it. I'd argue that something like feeling behind in ones life is not so clear cut. That feeling can be beneficial in the long run, depending on where it comes from. It can also be destructive, if perspective is lacking.
    - matwood 6y ago
      I think it's important to understand what someone is feeling behind to. Am I feeling behind to my neighbor? Who cares. Am I feeling behind in what I know I can do, now that's different. At the end of the day this is all rooted in our ego. We want enough ego that pushes us to get better, but at the same time be able to check that same ego when it gets in the way. I've related many HN items to Jiu-Jitsu and here is another. First, there is always someone better than you. And in some ways it's worse because the person who kicks your ass might be younger, smaller, older or a different gender. It takes an ego to step on to the mat and find out. Then after getting your ass gets kicked it takes checking your ego to learn what happened and go again. Like a lot of life, it's the personal journey that matters.
vmception 6y ago
Don’t compare yourself to others, compare to your own goals. If you need inspiration to even form a goal, then look towards others. There is no need to compare yourself to the 26 year old billionaire, just like it was never relevant for the 26 year old billionaire to compare themselves to the general population. If your goal looks the same as their outcome, then benchmark yourself and be disappointed if its not working out. If not, then don’t.
- deleted 6y ago
  [deleted]
- gumby 6y ago
  Instead of goals, go for habits. You have to do the things you make habits of to get to your goals anyway.
  - nefitty 6y ago
    Systems eliminate the risk of overshooting or undershooting, on the occasions that we misestimate our capabilities/capacities. Like Sisyphus, if he had set his mind on getting the boulder to the top of the mountain, he would objectively have lived a failed life. If he focuses instead on the act of each push, then it doesn’t matter if the stone rolls down the hill, his concern is the action, not the outcome.
    - matwood 6y ago
      Not sure why you are downvoted. In many ways we are all Sisyphus. We get up every day, workout, go to work, reach a goal and then repeat .Do that enough and then we die. If we don't figure out how to find joy and happiness in the process, then life is going to be pretty miserable.
  - haswell 6y ago
    Will you expand on what you're trying to say? This doesn't make sense to me. Goals are a desired result. Habits are deeply ingrained practices that are formed with repetition, and may or may not help you achieve that desired result. Some habits might actually hinder progress. The only way to know which habits to cultivate (or rely on) is to have a desired result in mind. Setting goals is important, because it helps clarify what you should spend time on, including the cultivation of habits that will help you achieve the goal. I could invest a lot of myself into the formation of a new (good) habit, but it may not help me achieve my goal. And goals can also be reached without the formation of habit.
ve55 6y ago
This is particularly difficult with social media, as platforms will show users content from those who are not just an outlier, but literally one in a million (or billion) in terms of how successful or lucky they are. There will always be someone on Youtube that is better than you will ever be at your favorite game, instrument, or craft. The three best ways of dealing with this that I have found are firstly to realize that your value as a person is not defined by your skill in a single specialized area, but by a combination of a plethora of unique traits, secondly to realize that being the 'best' or most notable at something is not equivalent to happiness nor a good life, and lastly to realize that even if you do wish to dedicate your life to specializing in a single skill, it's unlikely you have to privilige/genes/luck/etc to be the best human in the world at it. It also reminds me of a post I've seen on HN a few times that discusses being the best at a combination of things unique to you, rather than a single generic thing, which is generally impossible, which is very relevant here too.
- silvereye 6y ago
  Why even try to be "the best at a combination of things unique to you"? It sounds like those headlines which try to shoehorn "the best in the world" followed by enough qualifier to make the statement true. I think it's enough to recognize you can appreciate a skill at any level. Even when you completely suck at something you can still enjoy doing it.
  - howaboutnope 6y ago
    "The forest would be pretty quiet if only the best birds sang." I suck at singing, but still love it, and when I sing, I get a totally different kind of joy than I get from listening to someone else sing well.
    - munificent 6y ago
      I am now envisioning a forest filled with birdsong... and one dude belting out an offkey version of "More Than a Feeling". I love it.
    - 6y ago
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
dang 6y ago
One previous discussion: You are not 'behind' - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15155202 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15155202 - Sept 2017 (209 comments)
paxys 6y ago
This is very relatable. Most of my 20s was spent like this – why haven't I reached senior/staff eng yet? Why have I not started a company yet? Why don't I own a house yet? After all, so-and-so could do it when they were my age. As I entered my 30s, I managed to give up on the fake urgency while still retaining my overall drive. I can say that things are a lot better now (both in terms of success and mental health) than the days I spent hating myself for being an underachiever.
llaolleh 6y ago
Comparing yourself to someone else is a complete waste of time. You can never be that person with the exact environment they grew up in, let alone your genetic makeup. You do you, Set your own goals, and work to make today your best day.
- Swizec 6y ago
  As someone who also went through this transition in my early 30’s ... yeah I’m more chill and pleasant to be around but god damn it I get so much less done
  - bcrosby95 6y ago
    I get more done. Before it was "why bother trying, I'll never match them". Now I just put in consistent effort - small amounts at a time - rather than giving up before I start. Guess it depends upon your underlying personality.
  - SyzygistSix 6y ago
    Yeah, that's really going to suck when you see your final score on your tombstone.
- Animats 6y ago
  Comparing yourself to someone else is a complete waste of time. That's your boss's job.
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
tempestn 6y ago
Seems somewhat related to the sunk cost fallacy, although not exactly the same. But like the author says, it's irrelevant what you did or didn't do in the past, or where you could have been now if you'd acted differently. Except in as much as you can learn from your past behaviours and try to encourage the ones you find increase your satisfaction and control the ones that do the opposite. But there's no point at all in worrying about what you did or didn't do in the past, since all you can control is the future!
realmod 6y ago
I always find posts/content like this unbearable, it always ends up being a variant of the ubiquitous "you are where you are supposed to be" platitude that really does not in any way help.
- jvanderbot 6y ago
  Yeah, we tend to bark at the finger, and miss the moon it is pointing too. The idea is to remove people-relative measures, and cultivate deep, meaningful work for its own sake [1]. Some ways of doing that are better than others. For some, the platitude works. For others, not. [1] happiness hypothesis -- jonathan haidt.
anon_tor_12345 6y ago
you know how some people say that joe rogan is gwyneth paltrow for men? i.e. he's a panderer and a snake oil salesperson that packages their snake oil and pithy advice in such a way that it's palatable and relatable to men? every day on hn there are countless articles that are of the self-help variety from various entrepreneurs and startup celebrities and whatever. why is this kind of content so popular on a place that prides itself on rigorous rational inquiry (or whatever it is that's on the masthead)? basically i see people nodding along with the most superficial "wisdom" and i don't understand 1) why people are fine with being pandered to 2) why people don't seek out counsel from trained professionals (i.e. therapists) or at least the truly wise (the steinbecks of the world). in reality i know the answer to these questions (that people here are no different from joe rogan/gwyneth paltrow fans they just have a different flavor) but i just wish hn would drop the pretense about "curious discourse" or whatever.
- uglygoblin 6y ago
  You've put into words what I haven't been able to, thanks for this take. I totally agree we are generally just dealing with another flavor of the same behavior.
- sergiotapia 6y ago
  >he's a panderer and a snake oil salesperson that packages their snake oil and pithy advice in such a way that it's palatable and relatable to men? I've watched about 10 of the shows and he doesn't sell anything or offer anything except asking questions and guiding the conversation with the guest. For example the 2 kevin heart interviews, joe rogan sold nothing.
  - anon_tor_12345 6y ago
    >I've watched about 10 of the shows as of april 14 there have been 1,634 episodes of JRE. do you think maybe your sample isn't representative?
    - imgabe 6y ago
mLuby 6y ago
Reminds me of "The Hustle" by the same guy who did "Microservices." https://youtu.be/_o7qjN3KF8U https://youtu.be/_o7qjN3KF8U (2 minutes long)
- cbHXBY1D 6y ago
  Really underrated channel.
  - bckr 6y ago
    Exceptionally underrated. They would get more attention, though, if they played the algorithm's game and just posted more frequently.
jvanderbot 6y ago
If you are feeling consistently behind others, please consider seeing a doctor and adding one or more of the the big three of individual cognitive reshaping: 1. Meditation, 2. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, 3. Medication. And nearly everyone would benefit from (4) cultivating an additional meaningful relationship in their life. These have significant research supporting _at least one_ as a meaningful long-term change agent in depressed or unhappy individuals. You may enjoy the Happiness Hypothesis for a wealth of other research-supported insights into a fulfilling life.
- eMGm4D0zgUAVXc7 6y ago
  > please consider seeing a doctor Is it just me or has the "tell people to GO TO A SHRINK" plastered all over the internet become kind of obnoxious? E.g. consider this instance here: We're on a website where the intelligence required to understand 90% of the content is certainly enough to also be aware of the fact that psychiatrists etc. exist. So why is there a need to constantly tell people to go to them if you know that they're probably smart enough to figure that out on their own? It feels kind of patronizing to me. Sorry if that wasn't your intention!
  - boatmansloth 6y ago
    I suffered some mental issues that began in 2012 and peaked in February this year. I _knew_ I should go and see a doctor but always because of my "intelligence" convinced myself that I needed to get my diet in order first, or meditate consistently first, or exercise consistently first, or apply any number fixes that I knew could shift the needle of my condition. It took someone saying 'this is bad, you should go to a doctor' for me to actually make that appointment and go through with it. That has helped a lot. I wish I had done it 8 years ago.
  - jvanderbot 6y ago
    That's OK. not all advice is applicable to all people. For some, they'd rather start small with something that sounds "cool", like say meditation. For others, they are lost and a quick chat with a doctor (or friend) would seem easier. And some just want to stop worrying about it, and one pill per day to change their life sounds perfect. Normalizing all those options is what's important.
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
sneak 6y ago
> You are not behind (or, for that matter, ahead): you are exactly where you are supposed to be. So take a deep breath and relax. I think this is just as false as the thing he's denouncing. It's entirely possible to not be where you should be.
amadeuspagel 6y ago
> The question that finally helped me break the cycle was: behind compared to what? If someone is proud that he is ahead, would you ask him: ahead compared to what? Some alternate-reality version of yourself binge watching netflix? > It may be worth looking at your history in order to learn more about yourself, but that learning stops when review turns to regret. Regret is inseparable from learning about yourself, learning from your mistakes. > And besides, the further behind you start, the more glorious your comeback will be. There’s a reason why we celebrate ‘rags to riches’ stories. A ‘riches to riches’ story would be so boring. But that has nothing to do with how fast the story is. Rags to riches in 20 years is more impressive then rags to riches in 30 years. If it has a lot of ups and downs, the latter story might be more interesting, but if it took longer because of time wasted binge watching netflix ...
- corobo 6y ago
  Are people ever proud to be ahead? Proud to achieve or something maybe but ahead feels like it would never come up
Gatsky 6y ago
A lot of these messages seemingly come too late in life. Thinking back there was a lot of utterly useless stuff taught in school, and then a lot of important stuff which wasn't. I would have gladly traded some subjects (geography, latin, IT) for some practical instruction on fitness and nutrition, managing finances and a bit of life coaching à la this post. You could argue that this is stuff you should learn from family members, religious institutions, scouts, the soccer coach etc but it is in reality very patchy and inconsistent. I accept that some kids won't be very receptive. As always teaching is hard. I also think that at some middle age 40 - 50 everyone should go back to school for 2 weeks for re-education mainly about health and nutrition (and en passant an experience outside their echo chamber), but that is unlikely to be popular even if time was commpensated. Worth running a randomised trial at least.
- xwolfi 6y ago
  The thing is that it also depends a LOT of how your life turns out later, which is hard to predict. I did Latin because my dad didn't and regretted it immensely when he took up Pharmacy, since he felt he would have had an easier time learning latin names. It's both arguably wrong (it's not because you can translate Cicero that you can remember plant names) and very narrow. It however served me immensely in vocabulary parsing, both in French, my native language, and English, heavily influenced by it. You mention interesting gaps, like nutrition or fitness, finance and general life knowledge, which I felt I lacked too. I had to suffer through a lot of these when emigrating to Asia but I survived. I suppose I'd be like my dad and force my kid now to learn how to setup life in a new country completely alone if it was a school subject :D But my kid could decide to become a local farmer and write on FarmerNews how useless it all was and how he wishes there were more classes about agricultural science. The way I see it is that education is also a way to create well-rounded citizens able to take semi-coherent decisions at the voting booth (so Geography and History, Philosophy and Literature are useful here), a long and hard problem we've had for centuries. Beyond that, we have had a big debate in France since forever between school being "education" or "instruction": shouldn't parents be put on the hook for their children's survival rather than our taxes paying for everyone's ability to compete equally ? Do we educate children to the point we teach them to wipe their asses and eat properly, or do we "instruct" them solely on theoretical and moral subjects, leaving the base survival skill to the family ? School, many say in France, shouldn't shoulder all responsibilities in a person's "education". In Asia, or let's say China since that's where I am, education is very mechanical and a pure transfer of practical knowledge in a narrow set of easy subject like Physics or Maths, or Chinese. There is no hint (or it's being discussed to remove them in some places) of opinion building, critical thinking, history-as-a-science or things like that. They would do fitness or eating classes if they realize it's becoming a problem, in a way that would probably serve kids. But, end of the day, they see humans as cattle and as every farmer, like their cattle so long as they do what they're designed to do. No way they read Cicero, ever :)
biren34 6y ago
Here's what I would tell my kids: "Odds are, you ARE behind. In any given rank ordering, 50% are below average. 90% are NOT in the top 10% If you're lucky and work hard, you can be in the top 10%, 5% or even 1% of a few areas. But even then, you can beat yourself up about not being the best--because even if you sometimes are the best at something, sometimes you aren't. You can always make yourself miserable, if you choose to. So what do you do? You have 3 choices: 1. sit there and complain about it 2. Deny the reality of your "behindness", which makes for weak men and women (and I didn't raise wimps) 3. Or, you can realize that there's a set of skills related to managing your internal state The best way to do this is to focus on process-oriented goals, rather than results oriented goals. In other words, take pride in your work not in the output. You can lose every game, yet feel okay, if you set your goals to be play a bit better than last time--and do it. Once you get there, you can admit others are better than you and be thankful for the opportunity to learn from them--since you're no longer competing. This is what is meant by "losers focus on the winners, and winners focus on themselves". It's simple, but not easy. It takes work to achieve this, just like it takes work to achieve any useful skill. And just like any other skill, you'll get this right sometimes and screw it up at others. Just try to do it better today than you did yesterday, yes, like it's any other skill. Good luck, I'll always be rooting for you.
- DogOnTheWeb 6y ago
  I think this is the better approach. OP’s take feels almost nihilistic in disregarding any urge to “catch up” with peers or role models. We can acknowledge that others have gone further, faster in an area and use that as motivation without falling into despair. At the same time, life is about managing trade offs across many aspects. Often investing in one area means taking from another, and just because someone is further in one area, doesn’t mean their whole life is richer.
  - biren34 6y ago
    Yeah, the fact is other people are often more talented, any maybe worse, even if other people aren't more talented, you just screw stuff up--often a lot. It's part of life and putting your head in the sand about is just weak. If you could have been farther--and worst case the only reason you aren't is because of mistakes you knew better than to make--face it, accept it, forgive yourself and use the experience to keep your head on straight going forward. It's all you can do anyway. As for tactics, sometimes it might help if you imagine it was someone else who screwed up the way you did and consider how you'd treat/view them. (For those of us with really super-critical inner voices, this can help us get in touch with our compassion.) Like all these kinds of things, YMMV.
thatinstant 6y ago
An article about how you're not behind that's written by a CEO. It sounds like humble bragging to me.
Grimm1 6y ago
I think when people say "just do a little better than last time" they leave off an important, potentially implicit, but important part that is "than yourself last time". Self competition is one of the key parts to maintaining a healthy mindset when improving on anything versus overly relying on external comparison. The author also briefly touched on another topic I think is incredibly important for improving and moving forward with "I'll say it for you: you're forgiven". I consider myself rather Type A and one of the hardest things is forgiving myself for anything really. I carry things that happened N years ago with me that likely no one besides myself noticed or things they did but forgave me for a long time ago. Forgiving myself is even harder than not focusing on external comparison and I'm getting better with it as times goes on and sometimes it fuels me but at other times it really is a lot of weight that can slow you down when you don't want it to. So I'm still working on forgiving myself on things that I really should be able to and knowing the difference for things I maybe should carry with me for a bit. As I've lived I've realized I am without a doubt my own harshest critic and the critic is a right bastard who's not always in the realm of reality.
WWGaussDo 6y ago
"I would read articles about a 26-year-old entrepreneur with a billion-dollar company or a 16-year-old kid who invented a new kind of fusion reactor and a slow creep of panic would start to rise in my chest." Great description of how we notice our stressful emotional responses in our bodies. I agree with the article, and also know how hard it can be to "just stop" thinking those thoughts or having that physical response. I'm launching a service to support software engineers in resolving exactly this kind of response! Check out www.tinyurl.com/happyhackers if you want to learn more! I recently worked with someone who described "paralyzing jealousy" when reading about companies that raised a ton of money -- pretty much the same thing described in the article. We resolved it in one session so that response no longer comes up for them. No more slow panic in the chest :)
didibus 6y ago
I think one has to introspect their value set and desires. It's easy to fall prey to being defined by external factors of pride and glory. But one has to ask themselves, what life do I want to live? There's a certain amount of content to knowing the life you want, and overachieving is similar to diminishing returns, it could even be considered a malpractice, a waste of good time and effort. If you're healthy, in good company, have laughter and love, and a dose of adventure, with minimal stress, you've got the perfect life. Everything you do beyond that should be for pleasure, you can find challenge pleasurable, but failure shouldn't be painful if you had thrived to achieve more out of fun. Try to be conscious as to why you're doing what you do, why do you try so hard and why are you so hard on yourself?
psychomugs 6y ago
I think any graduate student (though most notably at the PhD) level, feels the pangs of imposter syndrome at some point. I don't think it ever stopped for many of my cohort and myself. With how much your work relies on the work of others, it's really difficult to divorce yourself from the greater community. The academic equivalent of woodshedding seems frowned upon and unachievable in a publish-or-perish environment. There's a good amount of solace in the realization (or self-deception) that most others are probably as clueless as you are.
sircastor 6y ago
This is a bit adjacent. I find one thing that I struggle with making anything when I see so many people I like doing seemingly amazing things, and I try and figure why I haven’t done amazing things. I’ve come up with a (somewhat dumb, but useful) mantra: The only difference between people who do things and people who don’t, is that people who do things, do things. It’s a ridiculous rephrase of the “1% inspiration, 99% perspiration” quote. Also a reminder to myself and everyone else: it’s okay if you’re not working 80 hour weeks. It’s okay if you don’t make a company that is a billion dollar sale to a FANG. It’s okay if you take regular vacations. It’s okay to not have a side hustle. It’s okay to put your career second. Do what’s fulfilling for you. Do what you find interesting, energizing, and fulfilling. And if you can only do that on the weekends and evenings, that’s okay.
- kuu 6y ago
  > I find one thing that I struggle with making anything when I see so many people I like doing seemingly amazing things, and I try and figure why I haven’t done amazing things. This also happens to me. In other comment I read it may be related to social media too: now we have many more connections and those who are successful are even more known that they were in the past, and we're not just watching one single person with that "gift" but just one after the other, so it may seem that they all are better/do more amazing things than we do. The thing is that we see the popular ones, which are the very tip of the iceberg, but there are many many others "behind" them... I guess we may also have to reduce our exposure to those sources...
mindtrust 6y ago
Deleted. Hurts when people down vote a personal story. TLDR: Worked hard to be ahead, got sick, stayed behind trying to catch up until I stopped trying.
avindroth 6y ago
I think this is more hope selling. Here is what I know: You are always late for something. But you are always early for something else. Times, all things being equal, always breeds opportunities and risks.
shannifin 6y ago
What great men did at age 26: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: Wrote an opera for an emperor Albert Einstein: Published a paper that introduced the equation E = mc2 Orson Welles: Directed and starred in one of the greatest films in cinema history Me: Ate some toast
alexander_gold 6y ago
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dorkwood 6y ago
> You can’t reach into your past and change a decision, regardless of how many times you replay it in your mind. So turn your eyes forward and focus on what you can change: the future. I completely agree, but this is easier said than done. How do you stop an automatic process that gets triggered multiple times a day? I know it's no longer relevant that I said that I said that thing to that person 10 years ago, but my brain sure seems to think it is.
Tade0 6y ago
I think the takeout here is that it's okay and healthy to be kind to yourself. That being said some people are driven by dissatisfaction and need it to stay motivated. I've got over being behind when I realised how successful people get where they are: It's, as a certain narrator would put it, a confluence of skill and purpose. And also just the right environment to nurture these.
mr_gibbins 6y ago
I can relate to this by using an analogy. I'm a big fan of Magic: the Gathering, particularly the MTG Arena format. Not so long ago I was beating myself up constantly: why can't I get to Mythic? Why am I getting beaten, 3, 4, 5 times in a row? Then it dawned on me - I play custom decks, my own way. I've never gotten a deck off the Internet. My decks aren't so good, but they're a ton of fun to play. And I realised, I have such a good time playing my own way that I don't actually want to netdeck a tier 1 deck and play the same, boring, soulless game that lots of others, desperate to win, play over and over again. I like to play the game my own way, and enjoy it. And so I do, and I'm an avid player to this day. I'm not gaming the system. I'm just enjoying it. Same applies to real-life, too. Many of my students (I teach mostly 18-21 year olds) suffer a kind of existential panic. Exactly as the OP says, why can they binge-watch the whole of GoT but cannot bring themselves to start an assignment? They, like everyone, myself included, are excellent procrastinators and accomplished at lying to themselves. My advice to them is similar to OP's advice - do better than you did before, by your own measure, no more, no less.
- Tade0 6y ago
  I have a friend who used to nag us to play MtG with him so that he could crush us with his hand-picked Rakdos deck, on which he spent a decent amount of cash. META takes all the fun out of any game, but it's especially bad in MtG in my view.
ElectricMind 6y ago
Says author who is" Hi, I’m Zack Kanter. I’m the _founder & CEO_ of Stedi...." Ironic huh?
SyzygistSix 6y ago
I worked for a bicycle shop that rented mountain bikes for the local trails. While riding with co-workers, we came upon a customer who had rented a bike for a couple days, so we asked how he was doing. He replied "I'm not very good at mountain biking, but I've been riding all day." "Are you having a good time?" asked my coworker. "Oh, I'm having a blast." "Well, it sounds to me like you're pretty good at mountain biking then." Life and the activities it consists of are a lot like mountain biking in that regard.
pengwing 6y ago
I was not the best sprinter in school, barely getting a passing grade. One time I asked the best sprinter in class to take the lane next to me and I finally got the second best grade. Couldn't walk without pain for a day. It's okay to be behind and feel bad about it as long as it provokes action. Execution and a bias to action are everything. You can feel like sh*t, loath yourself, you can cry, you can be in pain as long as you leverage those things to get into a flow state and keep on doing. You are not okay, but you can work on becoming acceptable.
- SyzygistSix 6y ago
  I don't time myself when I run because I just enjoy running.
- Cthulhu_ 6y ago
  I was average in a lot of things at school, well until I was mid- late teens when I finally got into a more focused school (focused as in relevant to my interests), but even then it wasn't anything super grand. But I have a knack for software development and during college managed to outdo anyone else I've went to school with. I mean in the grand scheme of things I'm still middling at best, I won't get into a FAANG because one I don't want to relocate, and two I don't have the leetcode skills or go-getter extrovert personality required, but I know I am better at what I do than the vast masses of mediocre developers that only sorta get by. Anyway, I'm 35 now, pretty comfortable all things considered. Might make a jump and go back to consultancy or go self-employed, might get lucky and grow into more of a managerial role (although full on management is not my ambition, that takes personal skills and at best I can fake / approximate those, lol).
weeboid 6y ago
"Behind" in what though?
cryptica 6y ago
Only good people are left behind. Our modern economy is driven entirely by unethical financial schemes. It's not possible to earn money any other way. There are unethical schemes and there are illegal schemes; nothing else yields any profit. Many unethical schemes aren't even profitable anymore, that's why many people are doing things that are downright illegal now; their entire career is centered around not getting caught.
dinamic 6y ago
There is a beautiful video by Kurzgesagt. It makes a similar point and I feel better every time I watch it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBRqu0YOH14 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBRqu0YOH14
blodkorv 6y ago
Most people are behind. If you compare yourself to a 26yo tech guy who made you are for sure behind him and no article or reasoning can undo that.

245 points by enigmatic02 6y ago

01100011 6y ago

tl;dr: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." - S.Smalley Am I missing something?

spiritplumber 6y ago
I don't get it.
- 01100011 6y ago
  It's an old SNL skit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ldAQ6Rh5ZI https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ldAQ6Rh5ZI
  - spiritplumber 6y ago
    thanks!
    - 01100011 6y ago
      That's former US Senator Al Franken, by the way :)

vkdelta 6y ago

related post: this is a great read. https://web.archive.org/web/20190401041033/http://rahulbijlani.com/essays/you-are-not-running-out-of-time-essay https://web.archive.org/web/20190401041033/http://rahulbijla... https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2778342 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2778342

mattnewton 6y ago

Counterpoint- this feeling, while it makes you miserable, might actually be adaptive if all the "high performers" you know express feeling it. The desire to honestly face your progress, judge it as wanting and then do something about it is necessary for improvement. The author is correct that wallowing doesn't help, but it's possible that the guilt that prevents you from excusing yourself will also keep you on track.

ianai 6y ago
The feeling of "being behind" is probably mostly anxiety or jealousy. Clearly many people are led astray by those feelings. It can blind a person from what is actually in front of them because they're stuck imagining where they're not. Maybe they've been highly successful following the "pro-forma" until they fail to realize they're in a novel situation and make a critical mistake applying the "pro-forma" solution.
Causality1 6y ago
Exactly the point I was going to make. Just because something is unpleasant doesn't make it destructive. Resisting junk food is unpleasant. Obeying the speed limit is unpleasant.
- haswell 6y ago
  Taken to an extreme, feeling "behind" all the time can also lead to a different outcome: giving up, or choosing not to start something at all. As is so often true, the ideal state is likely somewhere in the middle. A healthy recognition of ones goals and progress against those goals...without self judgement. To your point, unpleasant does not automatically equal destructive. But unpleasant without perspective on why that unpleasant thing is also beneficial is going to lead to some negative outcomes. Generally, people understand why the speed limit exists, and there is enough info about healthy eating that most people get it. I'd argue that something like feeling behind in ones life is not so clear cut. That feeling can be beneficial in the long run, depending on where it comes from. It can also be destructive, if perspective is lacking.
  - matwood 6y ago
    I think it's important to understand what someone is feeling behind to. Am I feeling behind to my neighbor? Who cares. Am I feeling behind in what I know I can do, now that's different. At the end of the day this is all rooted in our ego. We want enough ego that pushes us to get better, but at the same time be able to check that same ego when it gets in the way. I've related many HN items to Jiu-Jitsu and here is another. First, there is always someone better than you. And in some ways it's worse because the person who kicks your ass might be younger, smaller, older or a different gender. It takes an ego to step on to the mat and find out. Then after getting your ass gets kicked it takes checking your ego to learn what happened and go again. Like a lot of life, it's the personal journey that matters.

vmception 6y ago

Don’t compare yourself to others, compare to your own goals. If you need inspiration to even form a goal, then look towards others. There is no need to compare yourself to the 26 year old billionaire, just like it was never relevant for the 26 year old billionaire to compare themselves to the general population. If your goal looks the same as their outcome, then benchmark yourself and be disappointed if its not working out. If not, then don’t.

deleted 6y ago
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gumby 6y ago
Instead of goals, go for habits. You have to do the things you make habits of to get to your goals anyway.
- nefitty 6y ago
  Systems eliminate the risk of overshooting or undershooting, on the occasions that we misestimate our capabilities/capacities. Like Sisyphus, if he had set his mind on getting the boulder to the top of the mountain, he would objectively have lived a failed life. If he focuses instead on the act of each push, then it doesn’t matter if the stone rolls down the hill, his concern is the action, not the outcome.
  - matwood 6y ago
    Not sure why you are downvoted. In many ways we are all Sisyphus. We get up every day, workout, go to work, reach a goal and then repeat .Do that enough and then we die. If we don't figure out how to find joy and happiness in the process, then life is going to be pretty miserable.
- haswell 6y ago
  Will you expand on what you're trying to say? This doesn't make sense to me. Goals are a desired result. Habits are deeply ingrained practices that are formed with repetition, and may or may not help you achieve that desired result. Some habits might actually hinder progress. The only way to know which habits to cultivate (or rely on) is to have a desired result in mind. Setting goals is important, because it helps clarify what you should spend time on, including the cultivation of habits that will help you achieve the goal. I could invest a lot of myself into the formation of a new (good) habit, but it may not help me achieve my goal. And goals can also be reached without the formation of habit.

ve55 6y ago

This is particularly difficult with social media, as platforms will show users content from those who are not just an outlier, but literally one in a million (or billion) in terms of how successful or lucky they are. There will always be someone on Youtube that is better than you will ever be at your favorite game, instrument, or craft. The three best ways of dealing with this that I have found are firstly to realize that your value as a person is not defined by your skill in a single specialized area, but by a combination of a plethora of unique traits, secondly to realize that being the 'best' or most notable at something is not equivalent to happiness nor a good life, and lastly to realize that even if you do wish to dedicate your life to specializing in a single skill, it's unlikely you have to privilige/genes/luck/etc to be the best human in the world at it. It also reminds me of a post I've seen on HN a few times that discusses being the best at a combination of things unique to you, rather than a single generic thing, which is generally impossible, which is very relevant here too.

silvereye 6y ago
Why even try to be "the best at a combination of things unique to you"? It sounds like those headlines which try to shoehorn "the best in the world" followed by enough qualifier to make the statement true. I think it's enough to recognize you can appreciate a skill at any level. Even when you completely suck at something you can still enjoy doing it.
- howaboutnope 6y ago
  "The forest would be pretty quiet if only the best birds sang." I suck at singing, but still love it, and when I sing, I get a totally different kind of joy than I get from listening to someone else sing well.
  - munificent 6y ago
    I am now envisioning a forest filled with birdsong... and one dude belting out an offkey version of "More Than a Feeling". I love it.
  - 6y ago

deleted 6y ago

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dang 6y ago

One previous discussion: You are not 'behind' - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15155202 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15155202 - Sept 2017 (209 comments)

paxys 6y ago

This is very relatable. Most of my 20s was spent like this – why haven't I reached senior/staff eng yet? Why have I not started a company yet? Why don't I own a house yet? After all, so-and-so could do it when they were my age. As I entered my 30s, I managed to give up on the fake urgency while still retaining my overall drive. I can say that things are a lot better now (both in terms of success and mental health) than the days I spent hating myself for being an underachiever.

llaolleh 6y ago

Comparing yourself to someone else is a complete waste of time. You can never be that person with the exact environment they grew up in, let alone your genetic makeup. You do you, Set your own goals, and work to make today your best day.

Swizec 6y ago
As someone who also went through this transition in my early 30’s ... yeah I’m more chill and pleasant to be around but god damn it I get so much less done
- bcrosby95 6y ago
  I get more done. Before it was "why bother trying, I'll never match them". Now I just put in consistent effort - small amounts at a time - rather than giving up before I start. Guess it depends upon your underlying personality.
- SyzygistSix 6y ago
  Yeah, that's really going to suck when you see your final score on your tombstone.
Animats 6y ago
Comparing yourself to someone else is a complete waste of time. That's your boss's job.

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]

tempestn 6y ago

Seems somewhat related to the sunk cost fallacy, although not exactly the same. But like the author says, it's irrelevant what you did or didn't do in the past, or where you could have been now if you'd acted differently. Except in as much as you can learn from your past behaviours and try to encourage the ones you find increase your satisfaction and control the ones that do the opposite. But there's no point at all in worrying about what you did or didn't do in the past, since all you can control is the future!

realmod 6y ago

I always find posts/content like this unbearable, it always ends up being a variant of the ubiquitous "you are where you are supposed to be" platitude that really does not in any way help.

jvanderbot 6y ago
Yeah, we tend to bark at the finger, and miss the moon it is pointing too. The idea is to remove people-relative measures, and cultivate deep, meaningful work for its own sake [1]. Some ways of doing that are better than others. For some, the platitude works. For others, not. [1] happiness hypothesis -- jonathan haidt.

anon_tor_12345 6y ago

you know how some people say that joe rogan is gwyneth paltrow for men? i.e. he's a panderer and a snake oil salesperson that packages their snake oil and pithy advice in such a way that it's palatable and relatable to men? every day on hn there are countless articles that are of the self-help variety from various entrepreneurs and startup celebrities and whatever. why is this kind of content so popular on a place that prides itself on rigorous rational inquiry (or whatever it is that's on the masthead)? basically i see people nodding along with the most superficial "wisdom" and i don't understand 1) why people are fine with being pandered to 2) why people don't seek out counsel from trained professionals (i.e. therapists) or at least the truly wise (the steinbecks of the world). in reality i know the answer to these questions (that people here are no different from joe rogan/gwyneth paltrow fans they just have a different flavor) but i just wish hn would drop the pretense about "curious discourse" or whatever.

uglygoblin 6y ago
You've put into words what I haven't been able to, thanks for this take. I totally agree we are generally just dealing with another flavor of the same behavior.
sergiotapia 6y ago
>he's a panderer and a snake oil salesperson that packages their snake oil and pithy advice in such a way that it's palatable and relatable to men? I've watched about 10 of the shows and he doesn't sell anything or offer anything except asking questions and guiding the conversation with the guest. For example the 2 kevin heart interviews, joe rogan sold nothing.
- anon_tor_12345 6y ago
  >I've watched about 10 of the shows as of april 14 there have been 1,634 episodes of JRE. do you think maybe your sample isn't representative?
  - imgabe 6y ago

mLuby 6y ago

Reminds me of "The Hustle" by the same guy who did "Microservices." https://youtu.be/_o7qjN3KF8U https://youtu.be/_o7qjN3KF8U (2 minutes long)

cbHXBY1D 6y ago
Really underrated channel.
- bckr 6y ago
  Exceptionally underrated. They would get more attention, though, if they played the algorithm's game and just posted more frequently.

jvanderbot 6y ago

If you are feeling consistently behind others, please consider seeing a doctor and adding one or more of the the big three of individual cognitive reshaping: 1. Meditation, 2. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, 3. Medication. And nearly everyone would benefit from (4) cultivating an additional meaningful relationship in their life. These have significant research supporting _at least one_ as a meaningful long-term change agent in depressed or unhappy individuals. You may enjoy the Happiness Hypothesis for a wealth of other research-supported insights into a fulfilling life.

eMGm4D0zgUAVXc7 6y ago
> please consider seeing a doctor Is it just me or has the "tell people to GO TO A SHRINK" plastered all over the internet become kind of obnoxious? E.g. consider this instance here: We're on a website where the intelligence required to understand 90% of the content is certainly enough to also be aware of the fact that psychiatrists etc. exist. So why is there a need to constantly tell people to go to them if you know that they're probably smart enough to figure that out on their own? It feels kind of patronizing to me. Sorry if that wasn't your intention!
- boatmansloth 6y ago
  I suffered some mental issues that began in 2012 and peaked in February this year. I _knew_ I should go and see a doctor but always because of my "intelligence" convinced myself that I needed to get my diet in order first, or meditate consistently first, or exercise consistently first, or apply any number fixes that I knew could shift the needle of my condition. It took someone saying 'this is bad, you should go to a doctor' for me to actually make that appointment and go through with it. That has helped a lot. I wish I had done it 8 years ago.
- jvanderbot 6y ago
  That's OK. not all advice is applicable to all people. For some, they'd rather start small with something that sounds "cool", like say meditation. For others, they are lost and a quick chat with a doctor (or friend) would seem easier. And some just want to stop worrying about it, and one pill per day to change their life sounds perfect. Normalizing all those options is what's important.

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]

sneak 6y ago

> You are not behind (or, for that matter, ahead): you are exactly where you are supposed to be. So take a deep breath and relax. I think this is just as false as the thing he's denouncing. It's entirely possible to not be where you should be.

amadeuspagel 6y ago

> The question that finally helped me break the cycle was: behind compared to what? If someone is proud that he is ahead, would you ask him: ahead compared to what? Some alternate-reality version of yourself binge watching netflix? > It may be worth looking at your history in order to learn more about yourself, but that learning stops when review turns to regret. Regret is inseparable from learning about yourself, learning from your mistakes. > And besides, the further behind you start, the more glorious your comeback will be. There’s a reason why we celebrate ‘rags to riches’ stories. A ‘riches to riches’ story would be so boring. But that has nothing to do with how fast the story is. Rags to riches in 20 years is more impressive then rags to riches in 30 years. If it has a lot of ups and downs, the latter story might be more interesting, but if it took longer because of time wasted binge watching netflix ...

corobo 6y ago
Are people ever proud to be ahead? Proud to achieve or something maybe but ahead feels like it would never come up

Gatsky 6y ago

A lot of these messages seemingly come too late in life. Thinking back there was a lot of utterly useless stuff taught in school, and then a lot of important stuff which wasn't. I would have gladly traded some subjects (geography, latin, IT) for some practical instruction on fitness and nutrition, managing finances and a bit of life coaching à la this post. You could argue that this is stuff you should learn from family members, religious institutions, scouts, the soccer coach etc but it is in reality very patchy and inconsistent. I accept that some kids won't be very receptive. As always teaching is hard. I also think that at some middle age 40 - 50 everyone should go back to school for 2 weeks for re-education mainly about health and nutrition (and en passant an experience outside their echo chamber), but that is unlikely to be popular even if time was commpensated. Worth running a randomised trial at least.

xwolfi 6y ago
The thing is that it also depends a LOT of how your life turns out later, which is hard to predict. I did Latin because my dad didn't and regretted it immensely when he took up Pharmacy, since he felt he would have had an easier time learning latin names. It's both arguably wrong (it's not because you can translate Cicero that you can remember plant names) and very narrow. It however served me immensely in vocabulary parsing, both in French, my native language, and English, heavily influenced by it. You mention interesting gaps, like nutrition or fitness, finance and general life knowledge, which I felt I lacked too. I had to suffer through a lot of these when emigrating to Asia but I survived. I suppose I'd be like my dad and force my kid now to learn how to setup life in a new country completely alone if it was a school subject :D But my kid could decide to become a local farmer and write on FarmerNews how useless it all was and how he wishes there were more classes about agricultural science. The way I see it is that education is also a way to create well-rounded citizens able to take semi-coherent decisions at the voting booth (so Geography and History, Philosophy and Literature are useful here), a long and hard problem we've had for centuries. Beyond that, we have had a big debate in France since forever between school being "education" or "instruction": shouldn't parents be put on the hook for their children's survival rather than our taxes paying for everyone's ability to compete equally ? Do we educate children to the point we teach them to wipe their asses and eat properly, or do we "instruct" them solely on theoretical and moral subjects, leaving the base survival skill to the family ? School, many say in France, shouldn't shoulder all responsibilities in a person's "education". In Asia, or let's say China since that's where I am, education is very mechanical and a pure transfer of practical knowledge in a narrow set of easy subject like Physics or Maths, or Chinese. There is no hint (or it's being discussed to remove them in some places) of opinion building, critical thinking, history-as-a-science or things like that. They would do fitness or eating classes if they realize it's becoming a problem, in a way that would probably serve kids. But, end of the day, they see humans as cattle and as every farmer, like their cattle so long as they do what they're designed to do. No way they read Cicero, ever :)

biren34 6y ago

Here's what I would tell my kids: "Odds are, you ARE behind. In any given rank ordering, 50% are below average. 90% are NOT in the top 10% If you're lucky and work hard, you can be in the top 10%, 5% or even 1% of a few areas. But even then, you can beat yourself up about not being the best--because even if you sometimes are the best at something, sometimes you aren't. You can always make yourself miserable, if you choose to. So what do you do? You have 3 choices: 1. sit there and complain about it 2. Deny the reality of your "behindness", which makes for weak men and women (and I didn't raise wimps) 3. Or, you can realize that there's a set of skills related to managing your internal state The best way to do this is to focus on process-oriented goals, rather than results oriented goals. In other words, take pride in your work not in the output. You can lose every game, yet feel okay, if you set your goals to be play a bit better than last time--and do it. Once you get there, you can admit others are better than you and be thankful for the opportunity to learn from them--since you're no longer competing. This is what is meant by "losers focus on the winners, and winners focus on themselves". It's simple, but not easy. It takes work to achieve this, just like it takes work to achieve any useful skill. And just like any other skill, you'll get this right sometimes and screw it up at others. Just try to do it better today than you did yesterday, yes, like it's any other skill. Good luck, I'll always be rooting for you.

DogOnTheWeb 6y ago
I think this is the better approach. OP’s take feels almost nihilistic in disregarding any urge to “catch up” with peers or role models. We can acknowledge that others have gone further, faster in an area and use that as motivation without falling into despair. At the same time, life is about managing trade offs across many aspects. Often investing in one area means taking from another, and just because someone is further in one area, doesn’t mean their whole life is richer.
- biren34 6y ago
  Yeah, the fact is other people are often more talented, any maybe worse, even if other people aren't more talented, you just screw stuff up--often a lot. It's part of life and putting your head in the sand about is just weak. If you could have been farther--and worst case the only reason you aren't is because of mistakes you knew better than to make--face it, accept it, forgive yourself and use the experience to keep your head on straight going forward. It's all you can do anyway. As for tactics, sometimes it might help if you imagine it was someone else who screwed up the way you did and consider how you'd treat/view them. (For those of us with really super-critical inner voices, this can help us get in touch with our compassion.) Like all these kinds of things, YMMV.

thatinstant 6y ago

An article about how you're not behind that's written by a CEO. It sounds like humble bragging to me.

Grimm1 6y ago

I think when people say "just do a little better than last time" they leave off an important, potentially implicit, but important part that is "than yourself last time". Self competition is one of the key parts to maintaining a healthy mindset when improving on anything versus overly relying on external comparison. The author also briefly touched on another topic I think is incredibly important for improving and moving forward with "I'll say it for you: you're forgiven". I consider myself rather Type A and one of the hardest things is forgiving myself for anything really. I carry things that happened N years ago with me that likely no one besides myself noticed or things they did but forgave me for a long time ago. Forgiving myself is even harder than not focusing on external comparison and I'm getting better with it as times goes on and sometimes it fuels me but at other times it really is a lot of weight that can slow you down when you don't want it to. So I'm still working on forgiving myself on things that I really should be able to and knowing the difference for things I maybe should carry with me for a bit. As I've lived I've realized I am without a doubt my own harshest critic and the critic is a right bastard who's not always in the realm of reality.

WWGaussDo 6y ago

"I would read articles about a 26-year-old entrepreneur with a billion-dollar company or a 16-year-old kid who invented a new kind of fusion reactor and a slow creep of panic would start to rise in my chest." Great description of how we notice our stressful emotional responses in our bodies. I agree with the article, and also know how hard it can be to "just stop" thinking those thoughts or having that physical response. I'm launching a service to support software engineers in resolving exactly this kind of response! Check out www.tinyurl.com/happyhackers if you want to learn more! I recently worked with someone who described "paralyzing jealousy" when reading about companies that raised a ton of money -- pretty much the same thing described in the article. We resolved it in one session so that response no longer comes up for them. No more slow panic in the chest :)

didibus 6y ago

I think one has to introspect their value set and desires. It's easy to fall prey to being defined by external factors of pride and glory. But one has to ask themselves, what life do I want to live? There's a certain amount of content to knowing the life you want, and overachieving is similar to diminishing returns, it could even be considered a malpractice, a waste of good time and effort. If you're healthy, in good company, have laughter and love, and a dose of adventure, with minimal stress, you've got the perfect life. Everything you do beyond that should be for pleasure, you can find challenge pleasurable, but failure shouldn't be painful if you had thrived to achieve more out of fun. Try to be conscious as to why you're doing what you do, why do you try so hard and why are you so hard on yourself?

psychomugs 6y ago

I think any graduate student (though most notably at the PhD) level, feels the pangs of imposter syndrome at some point. I don't think it ever stopped for many of my cohort and myself. With how much your work relies on the work of others, it's really difficult to divorce yourself from the greater community. The academic equivalent of woodshedding seems frowned upon and unachievable in a publish-or-perish environment. There's a good amount of solace in the realization (or self-deception) that most others are probably as clueless as you are.

sircastor 6y ago

This is a bit adjacent. I find one thing that I struggle with making anything when I see so many people I like doing seemingly amazing things, and I try and figure why I haven’t done amazing things. I’ve come up with a (somewhat dumb, but useful) mantra: The only difference between people who do things and people who don’t, is that people who do things, do things. It’s a ridiculous rephrase of the “1% inspiration, 99% perspiration” quote. Also a reminder to myself and everyone else: it’s okay if you’re not working 80 hour weeks. It’s okay if you don’t make a company that is a billion dollar sale to a FANG. It’s okay if you take regular vacations. It’s okay to not have a side hustle. It’s okay to put your career second. Do what’s fulfilling for you. Do what you find interesting, energizing, and fulfilling. And if you can only do that on the weekends and evenings, that’s okay.

kuu 6y ago
> I find one thing that I struggle with making anything when I see so many people I like doing seemingly amazing things, and I try and figure why I haven’t done amazing things. This also happens to me. In other comment I read it may be related to social media too: now we have many more connections and those who are successful are even more known that they were in the past, and we're not just watching one single person with that "gift" but just one after the other, so it may seem that they all are better/do more amazing things than we do. The thing is that we see the popular ones, which are the very tip of the iceberg, but there are many many others "behind" them... I guess we may also have to reduce our exposure to those sources...

mindtrust 6y ago

Deleted. Hurts when people down vote a personal story. TLDR: Worked hard to be ahead, got sick, stayed behind trying to catch up until I stopped trying.

avindroth 6y ago

I think this is more hope selling. Here is what I know: You are always late for something. But you are always early for something else. Times, all things being equal, always breeds opportunities and risks.

shannifin 6y ago

What great men did at age 26: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: Wrote an opera for an emperor Albert Einstein: Published a paper that introduced the equation E = mc2 Orson Welles: Directed and starred in one of the greatest films in cinema history Me: Ate some toast

alexander_gold 6y ago

I admit that I found a genuine place to buy drugs. https://overnightdrugsales.com https://overnightdrugsales.com

dorkwood 6y ago

> You can’t reach into your past and change a decision, regardless of how many times you replay it in your mind. So turn your eyes forward and focus on what you can change: the future. I completely agree, but this is easier said than done. How do you stop an automatic process that gets triggered multiple times a day? I know it's no longer relevant that I said that I said that thing to that person 10 years ago, but my brain sure seems to think it is.

Tade0 6y ago

I think the takeout here is that it's okay and healthy to be kind to yourself. That being said some people are driven by dissatisfaction and need it to stay motivated. I've got over being behind when I realised how successful people get where they are: It's, as a certain narrator would put it, a confluence of skill and purpose. And also just the right environment to nurture these.

mr_gibbins 6y ago

I can relate to this by using an analogy. I'm a big fan of Magic: the Gathering, particularly the MTG Arena format. Not so long ago I was beating myself up constantly: why can't I get to Mythic? Why am I getting beaten, 3, 4, 5 times in a row? Then it dawned on me - I play custom decks, my own way. I've never gotten a deck off the Internet. My decks aren't so good, but they're a ton of fun to play. And I realised, I have such a good time playing my own way that I don't actually want to netdeck a tier 1 deck and play the same, boring, soulless game that lots of others, desperate to win, play over and over again. I like to play the game my own way, and enjoy it. And so I do, and I'm an avid player to this day. I'm not gaming the system. I'm just enjoying it. Same applies to real-life, too. Many of my students (I teach mostly 18-21 year olds) suffer a kind of existential panic. Exactly as the OP says, why can they binge-watch the whole of GoT but cannot bring themselves to start an assignment? They, like everyone, myself included, are excellent procrastinators and accomplished at lying to themselves. My advice to them is similar to OP's advice - do better than you did before, by your own measure, no more, no less.

Tade0 6y ago
I have a friend who used to nag us to play MtG with him so that he could crush us with his hand-picked Rakdos deck, on which he spent a decent amount of cash. META takes all the fun out of any game, but it's especially bad in MtG in my view.

ElectricMind 6y ago

Says author who is" Hi, I’m Zack Kanter. I’m the _founder & CEO_ of Stedi...." Ironic huh?

SyzygistSix 6y ago

I worked for a bicycle shop that rented mountain bikes for the local trails. While riding with co-workers, we came upon a customer who had rented a bike for a couple days, so we asked how he was doing. He replied "I'm not very good at mountain biking, but I've been riding all day." "Are you having a good time?" asked my coworker. "Oh, I'm having a blast." "Well, it sounds to me like you're pretty good at mountain biking then." Life and the activities it consists of are a lot like mountain biking in that regard.

pengwing 6y ago

I was not the best sprinter in school, barely getting a passing grade. One time I asked the best sprinter in class to take the lane next to me and I finally got the second best grade. Couldn't walk without pain for a day. It's okay to be behind and feel bad about it as long as it provokes action. Execution and a bias to action are everything. You can feel like sh*t, loath yourself, you can cry, you can be in pain as long as you leverage those things to get into a flow state and keep on doing. You are not okay, but you can work on becoming acceptable.

SyzygistSix 6y ago
I don't time myself when I run because I just enjoy running.
Cthulhu_ 6y ago
I was average in a lot of things at school, well until I was mid- late teens when I finally got into a more focused school (focused as in relevant to my interests), but even then it wasn't anything super grand. But I have a knack for software development and during college managed to outdo anyone else I've went to school with. I mean in the grand scheme of things I'm still middling at best, I won't get into a FAANG because one I don't want to relocate, and two I don't have the leetcode skills or go-getter extrovert personality required, but I know I am better at what I do than the vast masses of mediocre developers that only sorta get by. Anyway, I'm 35 now, pretty comfortable all things considered. Might make a jump and go back to consultancy or go self-employed, might get lucky and grow into more of a managerial role (although full on management is not my ambition, that takes personal skills and at best I can fake / approximate those, lol).

weeboid 6y ago

"Behind" in what though?

cryptica 6y ago

Only good people are left behind. Our modern economy is driven entirely by unethical financial schemes. It's not possible to earn money any other way. There are unethical schemes and there are illegal schemes; nothing else yields any profit. Many unethical schemes aren't even profitable anymore, that's why many people are doing things that are downright illegal now; their entire career is centered around not getting caught.

dinamic 6y ago

There is a beautiful video by Kurzgesagt. It makes a similar point and I feel better every time I watch it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBRqu0YOH14 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBRqu0YOH14

blodkorv 6y ago

Most people are behind. If you compare yourself to a 26yo tech guy who made you are for sure behind him and no article or reasoning can undo that.