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This is going to sound like circular reasoning, but bear with me: In order to raise self esteem, one must do esteemable things. Volunteer, be kind, let people

This is going to sound like circular reasoning, but bear with me: In order to raise self esteem, one must do esteemable things. Volunteer, be kind, let people in in traffic, work out, do these things consciously. You have to spend energy every day. Choose to spend it in positive ways. Note: the results are not instantaneous. Nor are they overpowering. It's subtle, and you often only notice after things have been better for a while. Sometimes, others in your life notice for you. Try to stick with it for 90 days. Worst case scenario, you made the world a little bit better for three months. Hard to lose.

matwood 7y ago
I agree with everything you said. I would also add jiu-jitsu. Few things in life can both take someone with too much ego and put it in check, and take someone with a lack of self-esteem/confidence and give it to them. It's hard to overstate the life lessons learned through training.
- LouisSayers 7y ago
  Totally agree with this. Boxing is also another one that can really boost your self esteem. Just make sure you get in with a good crowd of people, have a good professional coach. 1-on-1 sessions id also recommend. You can do this regardless of age.
  - texasbigdata 7y ago
    I've tried BJJ, weights and now am on year 2 of 1 on 1 boxing lessons with a former pro UFC fighter and boxing seems to me (unexperienced opinion) as by far the slowest, least effective of the three. And by a fairly meaningful margin. But maybe I'm just bad.
    - jvanderbot 7y ago
      Its really hard to retrain bad impressions of how to punch, stand, step, and weave. BJJ does not come with so much prior baggage to upack, but it does have a more technical sequence of moves to learn.
- wigl 7y ago
  +1, BJJ kills the ego quickly and forces you to harness your kneejerk self. Started out getting out-classed by everyone, from middle aged heavyweight blue belts to a 14 year old prodigy for months but I learned so much that I’m glad. I find that it triggers the fight-or-flight instinct for me because tapping is like simulated death. I wouldn’t say that confidence is guaranteed, but the cycle of learning in BJJ is so rewarding that it’s hard not to come out with a positive outlook.
- harimau777 7y ago
  I came to this thread to post about BJJ, found that someone already did! Jiu-jitsu's actually not even my preferred martial art; however, for someone looking to improve themselves I think its about the best there is for a couple of reasons: - Since it's grappling, you can spar from pretty much day one with minimal chance of injury (compare this with something like boxing where sparring means getting punched in the face). In addition to the martial advantages, sparring is a great way to build confidence. - Jiu-jitsu is very learnable. Virtually everyone who trains it seriously for a few years becomes a formidable fighter. - You tend to meet people from many different backgrounds and walks of life. Also, I've found BJJ practitioners to be very welcoming. - Since competition tends to be an important part of BJJ, there is sort of a built in assumption that everyone is there to help each other become a badass. Even if competition doesn't really interest you, I think that sort of environment translates to people helping you become a more confident person. - There is a lot to learn and people are always innovating. - Since many other martial arts do not practice ground fighting, if you eventually decide that some other style of martial art is the one that's right for you, having trained BJJ will always be an asset. Note: I mention becoming a good fighter or a "badass" because those terms are easy to understand. I don't mean to suggest that you should become some sort of macho, aggressive jerk. From what I've observed, even if someone starts training the martial arts because "they have something to prove" as they get more experienced it stops being about proving how tough they are.
  - born_on_sega 7y ago
    You learn to relax, under threat of death, in bjj also
  - matwood 7y ago
    Thanks for expanding :) The badass part is interesting. Knowing that someone who knows more BJJ than you will beat you, regardless of size and strength I think balances people out. Also, aggressive jerks either self select out or get the aggressive jerk beat out of them while learning. I haven't met an aggressive jerk yet whose ego survives getting choked out by a 120# woman.
amelius 7y ago
Yeah, but wouldn't you end up as the stereotypical "mr. Nice Guy"? Also, you have to be a little more specific. For example writing open source software could be considered "volunteer work", but is probably not what you meant.
- simplify 7y ago
  The stereotypical "nice guy" is a term for someone who thinks they're a nice guy, but then turns into an asshole when they don't get what they want. Not related.
  - deleted 7y ago
    [deleted]
  - lobotryas 7y ago
    Or even more specifically: it’s a person who has an ulterior motive for being nice instead of being altruistic for its own sake.
- thomk 7y ago
  Yes you would. Exactly why when you do not feel good about yourself, dragging yourself into helping others is just going to make you feel awkward, fake and used. Someone who is not feeling good about who they are should probably focus their energy inward for a while.
  - reureu 7y ago
    I've always been happiest when I have regular volunteer work that I'm doing. I've volunteered in homeless shelters, as a crisis counselor, and doing wildlife rehab. The work is never glamorous, but gets me out of my head and using my hands again. On the best days, I can see that what I'm doing has a real, tangible impact on another living being, and that gives me really great joy. On the worst days, I'm still "in it" with a community of people who are dedicated to the same cause. I've never felt awkward, fake, or used. I've only felt like it's given me community, purpose, and meaning in my life. Your mileage may vary, but volunteering has gotten me through some pretty dark times in my life.
ManlyBread 7y ago
I volunteered in the past and it only made things worse. It felt like I'm solving the problems of other people but there is no one who is willing to help me solve my issues.

matwood 7y ago

I agree with everything you said. I would also add jiu-jitsu. Few things in life can both take someone with too much ego and put it in check, and take someone with a lack of self-esteem/confidence and give it to them. It's hard to overstate the life lessons learned through training.

LouisSayers 7y ago
Totally agree with this. Boxing is also another one that can really boost your self esteem. Just make sure you get in with a good crowd of people, have a good professional coach. 1-on-1 sessions id also recommend. You can do this regardless of age.
- texasbigdata 7y ago
  I've tried BJJ, weights and now am on year 2 of 1 on 1 boxing lessons with a former pro UFC fighter and boxing seems to me (unexperienced opinion) as by far the slowest, least effective of the three. And by a fairly meaningful margin. But maybe I'm just bad.
  - jvanderbot 7y ago
    Its really hard to retrain bad impressions of how to punch, stand, step, and weave. BJJ does not come with so much prior baggage to upack, but it does have a more technical sequence of moves to learn.
wigl 7y ago
+1, BJJ kills the ego quickly and forces you to harness your kneejerk self. Started out getting out-classed by everyone, from middle aged heavyweight blue belts to a 14 year old prodigy for months but I learned so much that I’m glad. I find that it triggers the fight-or-flight instinct for me because tapping is like simulated death. I wouldn’t say that confidence is guaranteed, but the cycle of learning in BJJ is so rewarding that it’s hard not to come out with a positive outlook.
harimau777 7y ago
I came to this thread to post about BJJ, found that someone already did! Jiu-jitsu's actually not even my preferred martial art; however, for someone looking to improve themselves I think its about the best there is for a couple of reasons: - Since it's grappling, you can spar from pretty much day one with minimal chance of injury (compare this with something like boxing where sparring means getting punched in the face). In addition to the martial advantages, sparring is a great way to build confidence. - Jiu-jitsu is very learnable. Virtually everyone who trains it seriously for a few years becomes a formidable fighter. - You tend to meet people from many different backgrounds and walks of life. Also, I've found BJJ practitioners to be very welcoming. - Since competition tends to be an important part of BJJ, there is sort of a built in assumption that everyone is there to help each other become a badass. Even if competition doesn't really interest you, I think that sort of environment translates to people helping you become a more confident person. - There is a lot to learn and people are always innovating. - Since many other martial arts do not practice ground fighting, if you eventually decide that some other style of martial art is the one that's right for you, having trained BJJ will always be an asset. Note: I mention becoming a good fighter or a "badass" because those terms are easy to understand. I don't mean to suggest that you should become some sort of macho, aggressive jerk. From what I've observed, even if someone starts training the martial arts because "they have something to prove" as they get more experienced it stops being about proving how tough they are.
- born_on_sega 7y ago
  You learn to relax, under threat of death, in bjj also
- matwood 7y ago
  Thanks for expanding :) The badass part is interesting. Knowing that someone who knows more BJJ than you will beat you, regardless of size and strength I think balances people out. Also, aggressive jerks either self select out or get the aggressive jerk beat out of them while learning. I haven't met an aggressive jerk yet whose ego survives getting choked out by a 120# woman.

amelius 7y ago

Yeah, but wouldn't you end up as the stereotypical "mr. Nice Guy"? Also, you have to be a little more specific. For example writing open source software could be considered "volunteer work", but is probably not what you meant.

simplify 7y ago
The stereotypical "nice guy" is a term for someone who thinks they're a nice guy, but then turns into an asshole when they don't get what they want. Not related.
- deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
- lobotryas 7y ago
  Or even more specifically: it’s a person who has an ulterior motive for being nice instead of being altruistic for its own sake.
thomk 7y ago
Yes you would. Exactly why when you do not feel good about yourself, dragging yourself into helping others is just going to make you feel awkward, fake and used. Someone who is not feeling good about who they are should probably focus their energy inward for a while.
- reureu 7y ago
  I've always been happiest when I have regular volunteer work that I'm doing. I've volunteered in homeless shelters, as a crisis counselor, and doing wildlife rehab. The work is never glamorous, but gets me out of my head and using my hands again. On the best days, I can see that what I'm doing has a real, tangible impact on another living being, and that gives me really great joy. On the worst days, I'm still "in it" with a community of people who are dedicated to the same cause. I've never felt awkward, fake, or used. I've only felt like it's given me community, purpose, and meaning in my life. Your mileage may vary, but volunteering has gotten me through some pretty dark times in my life.

ManlyBread 7y ago

I volunteered in the past and it only made things worse. It felt like I'm solving the problems of other people but there is no one who is willing to help me solve my issues.