5 ms·

I agree that focus is rare and critical, but I take issue with the closing paragraphs that suggest prioritizing focus over relationships. What good is it to ga

by claar 7y ago

I agree that focus is rare and critical, but I take issue with the closing paragraphs that suggest prioritizing focus over relationships. What good is it to gain the whole world but have no one to enjoy it with? Of course this is simply another form of focus - choose which relationships to focus on. But putting intellectual pursuits above relationships is a lonely and foolish path, even if you achieve your dreams. If someone close to you suggests spending more time with them, you would be better served to listen to them than to cut them out of your life.

gallegojaime 7y ago
I think it's more nuanced than focus over relationships. After all, in each case, you can decide whether to invest more on this person or not. It's healthy to know we're only human, and we should strive to build a few quality relationships that don't interfere with our life, and knowing when to say no otherwise!
- circlefavshape 7y ago
  > we should strive to build a few quality relationships that don't interfere with our life Our relationships are our life. Our goals are just stories we've made up about ourselves
  - gallegojaime 7y ago
    Are they? People are incredibly important, crucial to the life puzzle, but I'd disagree on it being the ultimate key. Even though it's good to value friends and family (not arguing against this at all!), me time is needed too. Hobbies and other work you like. Personally I believe there's a good amount of engaging with your acquaintances, and an excessive amount where you're just shuffling around between them, getting lost in those dynamics. In that case, there's probably a way to keep relationships growing naturally, with almost the same returns and much less time sunk.
  - TeMPOraL 7y ago
    That's one point of view. Perhaps the most common one, if literature is to believed. But it's just one; not everyone ticks like that. I don't. And I'm guessing the author of the article and their target audience doesn't either.
1337biz 7y ago
Don't remember where I picked that one up but I like the saying: There are very few challenges in life that couldn't be made easier to overcome by knowing the right people.
amelius 7y ago
The problem with this type of advice is that the people who need it most will think: this makes me sad and thus this is exactly why I don't need to listen to other people.
throwaway72873 7y ago
I disagree. Keeping focus is a basic biological function of brain. Healthy boundaries and respect are necessary for that. If your "partner" prevents that, relationship is toxic and will probably get even worse over time. In other words, it is better to be alone, than with someone who ruins your mind and sleep.
- mam2 7y ago
  Both are orthognal. Prentending the contrary is just a way to find pride in deciding to be a geek who has no sex.
  - throwaway72873 7y ago
    It is 2019, you do not need a relationship to have a sex.
    - scandox 7y ago
      Tell me more. How is this achieved? Do you mean sex workers? Or pornography? Or a real doll? Or what? Because if I've learned one thing in my life it is that there is no sex without a relationship. Everything else is a sliding scale of masturbation. The desire to pretend otherwise is a cause of significant misery for many people.
    - thobrnst1837 7y ago
      You do if you're under 35, male and ~<70th percentile in attractiveness. Which is a massive proportion of the tech world.
      - mam2 7y ago
        found the incel
    - mam2 7y ago
      The point iz that you dont live to be focused. At best you are supposed to focus sporadically to have better life.
henryw 7y ago
I think you can have both time to focus (work time) and time to interact with others (break time). I think using "focus" as an excuse to not interact with others may not be the most healthy way to live life.
wwweston 7y ago
Yeah, suggesting the prioritization of focus over relationships is like suggesting the prioritization of focus over sleep or exercise. Or even of one area of focus (say, math) over another area of focus (say, knowledge of a specific codebase). You can do it, maybe situationally it will be the right thing to do... but any specific "greedy" focus choice is going to have some substantial costs. If you're going to approach focus like an engineering problem, you probably want a minimax strategy: figure out what keeps you functioning/healthy and devote minimum adequate focus there, figure out the reward space you want to explore and devote near-maximum resources there. And leave a little bit of slack baked in for when attention is overscarce or for when you need perturbing input. Digital distractions can be that slack. Or they can be your dump stat (he says, while posting on HN :/ ... ). Most people will find that a handful of close relationship plus some web of weak ties fit in both the "keeps you functioning" and "reward space" categories. Which both underscores the importance of relationships, and the challenge: you are probably going to have to balance frequent not-especially-rewarding maintenance work, and regular (but longer period) reward-space exploration, and feeding slack time to it.
matwood 7y ago
You're describing a prioritization problem, not a focus one. Prioritize the items in your life and then put the proper focus on them. Also, and this is a big one now, actually focus on those items. When you're cultivating a relationship with someone else, don't have your focus on your phone or work. This ties into the common phrase about being present. Also, for me it was more important to understand what NOT to focus on. Figuring out that which truly does not matter and letting it go is one of the most freeing things I have done. It's also a skill/tactic I see at all levels of life. The big picture of your whole life, then there is your work life, then there are work problems, then in jiu jitsu, etc... And the funny part is that people know bike-shedding exists and still do it day after day.
keyle 7y ago
I agree, it's scientifically proven that people who isolate themselves shorten their lifespan. Also no man is an island. If you want to make that spaceship to Mars, you will not do it yourself. So that advice of cutting off ties in order to improve focus is terrible. A better wording of that advice would be to re-focus on important and strategic relationships which benefits you and vice versa.

by claar 7y ago

gallegojaime 7y ago

I think it's more nuanced than focus over relationships. After all, in each case, you can decide whether to invest more on this person or not. It's healthy to know we're only human, and we should strive to build a few quality relationships that don't interfere with our life, and knowing when to say no otherwise!

circlefavshape 7y ago
> we should strive to build a few quality relationships that don't interfere with our life Our relationships are our life. Our goals are just stories we've made up about ourselves
- gallegojaime 7y ago
  Are they? People are incredibly important, crucial to the life puzzle, but I'd disagree on it being the ultimate key. Even though it's good to value friends and family (not arguing against this at all!), me time is needed too. Hobbies and other work you like. Personally I believe there's a good amount of engaging with your acquaintances, and an excessive amount where you're just shuffling around between them, getting lost in those dynamics. In that case, there's probably a way to keep relationships growing naturally, with almost the same returns and much less time sunk.
- TeMPOraL 7y ago
  That's one point of view. Perhaps the most common one, if literature is to believed. But it's just one; not everyone ticks like that. I don't. And I'm guessing the author of the article and their target audience doesn't either.

1337biz 7y ago

Don't remember where I picked that one up but I like the saying: There are very few challenges in life that couldn't be made easier to overcome by knowing the right people.

amelius 7y ago

The problem with this type of advice is that the people who need it most will think: this makes me sad and thus this is exactly why I don't need to listen to other people.

throwaway72873 7y ago

I disagree. Keeping focus is a basic biological function of brain. Healthy boundaries and respect are necessary for that. If your "partner" prevents that, relationship is toxic and will probably get even worse over time. In other words, it is better to be alone, than with someone who ruins your mind and sleep.

mam2 7y ago
Both are orthognal. Prentending the contrary is just a way to find pride in deciding to be a geek who has no sex.
- throwaway72873 7y ago
  It is 2019, you do not need a relationship to have a sex.
  - scandox 7y ago
    Tell me more. How is this achieved? Do you mean sex workers? Or pornography? Or a real doll? Or what? Because if I've learned one thing in my life it is that there is no sex without a relationship. Everything else is a sliding scale of masturbation. The desire to pretend otherwise is a cause of significant misery for many people.
  - thobrnst1837 7y ago
    You do if you're under 35, male and ~<70th percentile in attractiveness. Which is a massive proportion of the tech world.
    - mam2 7y ago
      found the incel
  - mam2 7y ago
    The point iz that you dont live to be focused. At best you are supposed to focus sporadically to have better life.

henryw 7y ago

I think you can have both time to focus (work time) and time to interact with others (break time). I think using "focus" as an excuse to not interact with others may not be the most healthy way to live life.

wwweston 7y ago

Yeah, suggesting the prioritization of focus over relationships is like suggesting the prioritization of focus over sleep or exercise. Or even of one area of focus (say, math) over another area of focus (say, knowledge of a specific codebase). You can do it, maybe situationally it will be the right thing to do... but any specific "greedy" focus choice is going to have some substantial costs. If you're going to approach focus like an engineering problem, you probably want a minimax strategy: figure out what keeps you functioning/healthy and devote minimum adequate focus there, figure out the reward space you want to explore and devote near-maximum resources there. And leave a little bit of slack baked in for when attention is overscarce or for when you need perturbing input. Digital distractions can be that slack. Or they can be your dump stat (he says, while posting on HN :/ ... ). Most people will find that a handful of close relationship plus some web of weak ties fit in both the "keeps you functioning" and "reward space" categories. Which both underscores the importance of relationships, and the challenge: you are probably going to have to balance frequent not-especially-rewarding maintenance work, and regular (but longer period) reward-space exploration, and feeding slack time to it.

matwood 7y ago

You're describing a prioritization problem, not a focus one. Prioritize the items in your life and then put the proper focus on them. Also, and this is a big one now, actually focus on those items. When you're cultivating a relationship with someone else, don't have your focus on your phone or work. This ties into the common phrase about being present. Also, for me it was more important to understand what NOT to focus on. Figuring out that which truly does not matter and letting it go is one of the most freeing things I have done. It's also a skill/tactic I see at all levels of life. The big picture of your whole life, then there is your work life, then there are work problems, then in jiu jitsu, etc... And the funny part is that people know bike-shedding exists and still do it day after day.

keyle 7y ago

I agree, it's scientifically proven that people who isolate themselves shorten their lifespan. Also no man is an island. If you want to make that spaceship to Mars, you will not do it yourself. So that advice of cutting off ties in order to improve focus is terrible. A better wording of that advice would be to re-focus on important and strategic relationships which benefits you and vice versa.