5 ms·

A friend of mine teaches middle school in Japan and he recounted this story of a parent teacher meeting. A girl, who was by all accounts a decent student, had

A friend of mine teaches middle school in Japan and he recounted this story of a parent teacher meeting. A girl, who was by all accounts a decent student, had not been doing some of her homework recently. He brought it up in a casual and supportive way. The mother busy into tears and apologised profusely, exclaiming that she was so sorry for sending such a terrible didn't to this teacher's class etc. As this goes on the daughter now starts crying in response. My friend said this is a scene repeated again and again. Enormous amounts of pressure from both the parents and the teachers (he is something of an exception) is crushing children.

redis_mlc 7y ago
There's a reporting segment running now on I believe CNN Asia about Singaporean schools and "kiasu" culture. Reporter: "How do you balance schoolwork and play?" Singaporean Mom: "That is a good question. But my kids will thank me after they are successful in life." In other words, no balance except as an abstract thought. :)
- chii 7y ago
  > after they are successful in life... where the definition of success is based on the parent's perception of what success means. The child's opinions nor desires don't come into the picture.
  - krige 7y ago
    Ignoring the extremes, why would a child's opinion be taken into account in a situation like this? What experiences does the child have that makes their opinion valid in parenting issues?
    - plutonorm 7y ago
      Because respecting a child's autonomy leads to emotionally healthy, happier and more successful adults?
    - pjc50 7y ago
      Only the child knows their own feelings.
    - JumpCrisscross 7y ago
      > What experiences does the child have that makes their opinion valid in parenting issues? Well, their own. Those experiences likely give them better insight into their own preferences than an outsider, even at a young age. Ignoring those preferences suppresses their individuality. It also reduces the chances of them finding something they're uniquely good at, restricts development to the parent's biases, and kneecaps entire suites of decision-making skills and development.
    - SkyBelow 7y ago
      As a young child, talking from the single digits, I knew I wanted to build video games. That desire eventually grew into an above average career in software development. While I don't do video game development other than some small side projects, that's a choice I've made as an adult due to the current video game industry. It's the child's own future, so when possible the parents should let the child's own desires lead them toward a successful future. That is a hard balance to strike, because the parent has to turn their child's desire into more general skills that can be useful even if the child's dream isn't realistic or the best outcome. I wonder how my life would've been if my parents got me involved in computers and programming when I was 8 instead of ignoring it and waiting until I taught myself at 15.
  - Iv 7y ago
    This is actually a common mindset in countries where a generation remembers famine-level poverty. I once discussed with some friends from various backgrounds on the merits of doing higher education or going in for your passion after high-school and a friend from a remote countryside in Mexico explained "well, for me it was straighforward. Either I go to university, or I do farming my all life."
- rorykoehler 7y ago
  The depressing thing is this type of kiasu parenting actually takes the child further away from success. Children learn through play. A good technician doesn't make a good inventor and let's face it the people we remember as successful are all in the inventor mould.
  - ThrowawayR2 7y ago
    Many people say that yet a large number of successful doctors, lawyers, engineers, and other skilled professionals have come from that type of parenting.
rb808 7y ago
Sounds like most the Asian parents in my American middle school. After a while you start to wonder what is normal and maybe just white kids are lazy.
- YinglingLight 7y ago
  Shame vs Guilt cultures. Shame is more outward facing, Guilt more inward facing.

redis_mlc 7y ago

There's a reporting segment running now on I believe CNN Asia about Singaporean schools and "kiasu" culture. Reporter: "How do you balance schoolwork and play?" Singaporean Mom: "That is a good question. But my kids will thank me after they are successful in life." In other words, no balance except as an abstract thought. :)

chii 7y ago
> after they are successful in life... where the definition of success is based on the parent's perception of what success means. The child's opinions nor desires don't come into the picture.
- krige 7y ago
  Ignoring the extremes, why would a child's opinion be taken into account in a situation like this? What experiences does the child have that makes their opinion valid in parenting issues?
  - plutonorm 7y ago
    Because respecting a child's autonomy leads to emotionally healthy, happier and more successful adults?
  - pjc50 7y ago
    Only the child knows their own feelings.
  - JumpCrisscross 7y ago
    > What experiences does the child have that makes their opinion valid in parenting issues? Well, their own. Those experiences likely give them better insight into their own preferences than an outsider, even at a young age. Ignoring those preferences suppresses their individuality. It also reduces the chances of them finding something they're uniquely good at, restricts development to the parent's biases, and kneecaps entire suites of decision-making skills and development.
  - SkyBelow 7y ago
    As a young child, talking from the single digits, I knew I wanted to build video games. That desire eventually grew into an above average career in software development. While I don't do video game development other than some small side projects, that's a choice I've made as an adult due to the current video game industry. It's the child's own future, so when possible the parents should let the child's own desires lead them toward a successful future. That is a hard balance to strike, because the parent has to turn their child's desire into more general skills that can be useful even if the child's dream isn't realistic or the best outcome. I wonder how my life would've been if my parents got me involved in computers and programming when I was 8 instead of ignoring it and waiting until I taught myself at 15.
- Iv 7y ago
  This is actually a common mindset in countries where a generation remembers famine-level poverty. I once discussed with some friends from various backgrounds on the merits of doing higher education or going in for your passion after high-school and a friend from a remote countryside in Mexico explained "well, for me it was straighforward. Either I go to university, or I do farming my all life."
rorykoehler 7y ago
The depressing thing is this type of kiasu parenting actually takes the child further away from success. Children learn through play. A good technician doesn't make a good inventor and let's face it the people we remember as successful are all in the inventor mould.
- ThrowawayR2 7y ago
  Many people say that yet a large number of successful doctors, lawyers, engineers, and other skilled professionals have come from that type of parenting.

rb808 7y ago

Sounds like most the Asian parents in my American middle school. After a while you start to wonder what is normal and maybe just white kids are lazy.

YinglingLight 7y ago
Shame vs Guilt cultures. Shame is more outward facing, Guilt more inward facing.