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Dating While Dying
- neonate 7y agohttp://archive.is/lsGS0 http://archive.is/lsGS0
- kick 7y agoThe author's post after realizing things had gotten too severe: http://apainintheneck.com/2019/11/16/the-worst-thing/ http://apainintheneck.com/2019/11/16/the-worst-thing/ † The author's obituary: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/04/obituaries/josie-rubio-dead.html https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/04/obituaries/josie-rubio-de...
- adim86 7y agoThat last post was really sad. I don't have much words
- kick 7y agoYeah, it's gotten me in a strange mental state, too.
- inportb 7y agohttp://archive.is/EbvEq http://archive.is/EbvEq to get around the obituary paywall
- valtism 7y agoHaving a paywall on an obituary seems quite distasteful.
- dangus 7y agoWhy? In the days of paper, if you didn’t pay for your subscription, you didn’t get the newspaper at all.
- ulucs 7y agoAn obituary is not written for you, it's written for the deceased person. It's an entirely symbolic deed that's done selflessly (the writer does not aim to gain anything from it) and that's why interrupting it to ask for money feels rude.
- crankylinuxuser 7y agoCapitalism knows no bounds. I dealt with that after my dad died, and went to the funeral home. Every fucking thing is an upsell. Every goddamned thing. And the funeral home salespeople use the fact it's a death to capitalize on it any way they can. sales: 'Do you want flowers for the casket? $1100' mom: 'No' sales: 'Don't you think he's worth flowers?' mom: 'alright...' sales: 'heres our selection of caskets, many families choose these ($6000)' mom: 'but he doesnt care, he's dead' sales: 'dont you love your husband?'
- ulucs 7y agoYeah, they are almost literally vultures. You should probably buy those for yourself while you're alive.
- lordlimecat 7y agoFWIW amazon sells cremation urns for a decent price ($60-100).
- claudeganon 7y agoMy local newspaper went from having an open, freely accessible archive of obituaries to a time-limited paywall that you can have removed for various periods of time at correspondingly increasing prices. Just the lowest of the low.
- dangus 7y agoAnd how do you expect your local paper to survive when the classifieds (the largest source of income for many local papers IIRC) have moved online and physical subscription numbers and ad buys are declining?
- pferde 7y agoJavascript disabled here, and I've seen no paywall. Just saying.
- claudiawerner 7y agoFor me it's rather curious that people place such a high value on finding an SO even when dying. This seems to speak to one (or two) things: that it is a tragedy to have lived and never been in love, and that having someone with you in the pain and the last period of your live is very highly valued. It makes me think of all the people who don't have a terminal disease but still never manage to find someone. Their case, while sad, is perhaps not as tragic.
- coldtea 7y agoThese musings have a little "alien observing earth people" tone...
- ProAm 7y agoI think that is a trend in most HN comments just because the nature of the audience. Not a bad or good thing, just an observation.
- em-bee 7y agothere was a study that showed that people who have friends live longer. finding a partner in such trying times can be a life-anchor, and it can increase your strength and will to live. for some it can mean the difference of a few months or years, for some it could even mean the strength to beat the illness outright.
- ryeights 7y agoJesus Christ. That blog post is horrifying
- twodave 7y ago"The enemy's gate is down" is a subtle Ender's Game reference, and it's beautiful in this post. This person's life expectancy is not oriented in the usual way, so the phrase becomes a call to re-establish norms and consider life in a way that suits the present reality. This isn't just a lesson to be learned by the dying, either.
- TurkishPoptart 7y agoThank you for pulling these up. I am tearing up in an otherwise indifferent office.
- neonIcon 7y agoThat was rough.. Thank you for posting though.
- __m 7y agoGee I have to use my time more carefully, otherwise I’ll live like I’m immortal until I’m not. I’m a doctor‘s visit away from going from a relaxed life to fighting for life, clinging on remote hopes of survival. Being able to date someone in that state is astonishing. Everything I’d do would be tainted by the thought „this is the last time I do this before I die“.
- trevyn 7y ago>I’ll live like I’m immortal until I’m not Honestly, that sounds much more fun than living with a constant obsession over your own mortality.
- __m 7y agoFair enough, I guess I’m more afraid of that stark contrast than wasting my time
- ijiiijji1 7y agoThe certainty of death is an unyielding truth that should motivate someone of sand to live boldly, determinedly and authentically rather than moving through life vacillating or by happenstance. Carpe diem vel mori reposuit in vinea.
- theli0nheart 7y ago> Honestly, that sounds much more fun than living with a constant obsession over your own mortality. It sounds fun until it's not. The reality of how fragile we are catches up to everyone, and living life like you're invincible just speeds up that process.
- digitalsushi 7y agoThere must be a happy medium if we consider there is another class of people who live very cautiously - avoiding the pleasures of food, spirits, the flesh, of danger and risk and reward, to live as long as possible, and ultimately implode in a sudden cacophony of regret and self pity. Split the difference, invite the neighbors over for cocktails once in a while.
- flocial 7y ago"She'd coyly mention shedding a twelve-year-long relationship with an abusive narcissist to find a love who didn't leave hospice for two weeks and was at her side when the cancer finally ended her life on December 3rd at 1:30AM in Brooklyn, at Calvary Hospice." https://www.facebook.com/josie.rubio.33/posts/10156307361797142 https://www.facebook.com/josie.rubio.33/posts/10156307361797... I'm glad she found someone worthy to spend her last days with. I can definitely relate to overreacting toward the existential dread of social situations/interactions.
- adim86 7y agoI think this is a great post to remember her by. It is funny, it is sad and also contains pain. It is very human and it shows how one thing in life can be multi-dimensional at the same time. I think this showcases the complexity of the human condition and how life ends up being the way we decide to look at it. My condolences to her friends and family and may she rest in peace
- mirimir 7y ago> I asked my boyfriend what he thought happens after we die. He says you live on in other people’s memories, and I won’t be forgotten. If that moves you, I recommend I Am a Strange Loop by Douglas R. Hofstadter (2007).[0] > Theories aside, it's impossible not to experience this book as a tender, remarkably personal and poignant effort to understand the death of his wife from cancer in 1993—and to grasp how consciousness mediates our otherwise ineffable relationships. In the end, Hofstadter's view is deeply philosophical rather than scientific. It's hopeful and romantic as well, as his model allows one consciousness to create and maintain within itself true representations of the essence of another. 0) https://www.amazon.com/Am-Strange-Loop-Douglas-Hofstadter-ebook/dp/B004PYDBS0 https://www.amazon.com/Am-Strange-Loop-Douglas-Hofstadter-eb...
- jacquesm 7y agoThank you, nytimes.com for overruling the obituary of one of your authors with a forced signup modal. Other than that, wow, what a story and courage. The napkin bit really got me. 42 is way too young to die.
- nkkollaw 7y agoI don't think they add those one by one...
- jacquesm 7y agoNo, I don't think so either. So they should use their categories to determine where those are appropriate and where they really aren't.
- dangus 7y agoAnd if you don’t pay your newspaper subscription you don’t get the paper delivered to your door at all. Complaining about paywalls isn’t productive.
- jacquesm 7y agoI'm not complaining about the paywall per-se, I'm complaining about the fact that an obituary of an author that is linked from a page that is not paywalled should also not be paywalled, that's common courtesy. To attempt to get people to subscribe over the backs of your recently deceased contributors is something no self respecting newspaper should ever want to be seen doing. At best it is tone-deaf, at worst simply callous.
- deleted 7y ago[deleted]
- dangus 7y agoI don’t agree. I think your interpretation reads too far into it. I don’t think it makes any statement at all.
- throwaway201912 7y agoI have just started dating a woman who is 22, she has advanced ovarian cancer and a life expectancy that is 12 months and is scheduled for surgery and chemo in January (but this may be sooner given the pain). This is just a fact between us, and it's something we'll have to deal with. I fell for her, she fell for me, we work well on so many levels. I know she is likely to die (a 12 month life expectancy isn't a foregone conclusion) but we don't discuss this or make it a focus. Our focus is on living life with passion, a clock that counts 70 years or 1 year doesn't change our approach to life. I don't really know what to say, I just wanted to put an acknowledgement from myself to the universe down somewhere that yes I know what I'm getting myself into, and yet I love her and it's worth it. Live life qualitatively not quantitatively.
- paganel 7y agoStay strong and best wishes to both of you.
- mysterydip 7y agoThere's always a chance to beat the odds, but if not, you know you're living it to the full while possible.
- mellavora 7y agoI deeply appreciate your courage. The world needs more like you.
- jcims 7y agoThis is good stuff man. It takes a lot of courage for the both of you. My wife was diagnosed with stage 3C ovarian cancer 1 year, 11 months and 1 week ago. She's been through remission, recurrence and is now on her fourth type of chemo to try to push it back. We've had a little bit of encouraging news recently but there's still a long way to go. I'm sure you've already done some research but I would definitely suggest familiarizing yourself with the various treatment options that are 'standard of care', gain an understanding about the pros/cons of clinical trials, how they select candidate patients and maybe scan around for trials that are applicable to her case. Also it becomes incredibly difficult to keep weight on, at least for my wife who is by any standard presently malnourished. Finding simple to eat shakes/smoothies/etc are very helpful. If she has a full hysterectomy she's likely to struggle with night sweats. I bought my wife a BedJet last year for that but it has turned out to be a wonderful thing in the winter as well to help keep her warm. Anyway, best of luck to the both of you.
- unnouinceput 7y agoReading quote 1: "...just relieved it was her and not me putting down a credit card at the bar to buy his drinks" I was like "wtf", but then reading quote 2: "Plus, after years of paying for myself and my ex, it still seems like a good deal." I realized that she was in a toxic relation for 12 years. I mean, c'mon, 12 years only one partner to pay for everything, that's way too much. I know people who divorced faster because of one partner was lazy and she went through with it while having diagnosed for years?
- metabagel 7y agoThis isn’t unusual. It can take a long time to realize you are with someone who is toxic for you.
- datingthrowaway 7y agoI may not be dying, but I am losing my eyesight. This article is about a very one-sided phenomenon, and largely speaks to the desperation of men in the current dating market. I literally cannot imagine reciprocal treatment from a woman. I have not been in a relationship since I got this condition, and I don't expect that I ever will be again.
- frostburg 7y agoI'm sorry about your health issues, but it appears to me that they are (understandably) affecting your overall mindset. There are plenty of disabled men in functional relatioships (and not-so-functional ones, there is a subset of people, male or female, that are specifically attracted to ill or dying partners for problematic reasons). Please lose the incel angle.
- datingthrowaway 7y agoShow me some. If you are able to find examples, they will most likely be famous billionaires or actors. However I can point you to an equal number of examples where fame and fortune still didn't cut it. You cannot discount my experiences and observations unless you have gone through this yourself.
- ceejayoz 7y agoThe idea that blind people don't/can't date is readily disprovable. Examples of anything will tend to be notable; that doesn't mean non-notable people don't exist. https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/j5ajj7/how-dating-works-when-youre-living-with-blindness https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/j5ajj7/how-dating-works-w... https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2017/01/09/what-is-it-like-to-date-while-blind/ https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2017/01/09/wh... You might consider finding a local support group for people who've recently lost their sight.
- scott_s 7y agoI think a local support group is an excellent suggestion.
- carlsborg 7y agoAll of us are dying.
- sixQuarks 7y agoI would like to see an experiment to see how many responses a man would get on dating sites if he posted the same profile.
- Pigo 7y agoProbably the same amount every other "average" man gets dating sites.
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- Johnny555 7y agoA long time ago I knew a young woman who was facing breast cancer, I don't remember what stage it was, but she said doctors told her she might only have a year to live, even with aggressive treatment. She had accepted her fate and was just trying to live her live as well as she could. A few months after I met her, she was killed in a drunk driving accident. On the other hand, I also met someone who had a brain tumor when she was in her 20's, her life expectancy was unknown, her long-term boyfriend at the time left her because he couldn't deal with it. When I met her she was in her mid-40's, happily married with kids - she had successful surgery to remove the tumor. Everyone has a limited lifetime and you don't always know how short it will be.
- paulie_a 7y agoWell I am not dieing I nearly did this year. I will need a heart transplant in the next ten years. And I probably have 20 years left. But I still date. Trying to find that someone to share my remaining years with
- rsjaaji 7y agoThis article strikes a very personal chord with me. My girlfriend of six months broke up with me without giving any apparent reason. After several months, I found out that she had discovered that she had tumor. Before she started on chemo, she decided to break up with me. The irony of the situation is that she won't really tell me what happened, and without violating her trust and respecting her privacy, and her choice to face this alone, I have no way of even finding out how she is doing. All I can do is silently hope that she would regain her health again.