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Parenting: Who is it really for? (2017)

57 points by kick 7y ago

flywithdolp 7y ago
If you ask my grandma, she will answer 'for everyone' (Sweet old Jewish lady)
rosybox 7y ago
He's got a 5 year old and he's giving parenting advice. The ideal parent folks. We all love our children, we all try to do the best for them. You're not special. You don't post your kids face online, well I don't gloat how great of a parent I am online. We should all remember that how people present themselves online, whether it's beautiful photos on Instagram or enlightened blog posts, is not reality. Being a parent is fucking hard. I love it, it may be hard to see it sometimes but it's worth it, and I don't pretend for a minute that I don't fuck it up every other moment or that it isn't the most challenging role I've taken on. I also don't preach to other parents how they should raise their kids. I do my best, though I fail, to not judge how other people parent. I certainly don't blab about it if I do. I guess except in this miserable instance.
- adreamingsoul 7y ago
  How do you feel after reading that article?
  - jezinka 7y ago
    that I also want not to think about household duties - I have a 3 years old and work and there is also a lot to do like meals, laundry, cleaning, shopping... Yeah, few hours outside sounds great when you have somebody who take care of everything that should be done.
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- indemnity 7y ago
  Note: He’s financially independent, never has to work again if he doesn’t want to. Most importantly, he has time in a way most working parents do not. Maybe that changes your perspective of how applicable his views are to your situation.
  - Aeolun 7y ago
    It certainly makes it sound a little bit pretentious when you say you are spending 30 hours a week with your son.
- kick 7y ago
  We should all remember that how people present themselves online, whether it's beautiful photos on Instagram or enlightened blog posts, is not reality. Sivers legally forced himself to give nearly the entire value of his company (~$22,000,000 - (5% per year of living)) that he had worked years to build to charity, and that can be verified pretty easily. It's safe to say he's a better person than most, and this article isn't really advice in the sense you seem to be implying. Using a holier-than-thou tone probably doesn't help your case, very much.
  - free652 7y ago
    I had to verify and I am calling BS on this. The charity will only give money to anyone else but him when he dies. Until then he is paying himself 4.4 million per year or when the trust is depleted.
    - kick 7y ago
      Did you mess up your math? 5% of 22,000,000 is not 4,400,000, it's 1,100,00.
  - in_cahoots 7y ago
    Most of us don’t have the ability to give vast sums of money to charity and still spend 30 quality hours a week with a kid. How does having more financial resources make him a better person?
    - 55555 7y ago
      We know empirically that the vast majority of people who make tens of millions of dollars from their business don't give almost all of it to charity. So if we can agree on any moral framework, then I think it's fair to say that Sivers is, at least in this way, a "better" person than most, as most in his situation don't act so "good".
      - burntoutfire 7y ago
        > Sivers is, at least in this way, a "better" person than most Better than most who make millions, not than general population. Who knows, maybe the millionaires are "worse" than the average in this regard.
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- austhrow743 7y ago
  Yeah fuck this guy for writing on his blog. People are born with an innate ability to parent equally as well as anybody else. All parents are fantastic at it.
  - tasuki 7y ago
    It appears sarcasm either isn't welcome or isn't understood on HN. Your comment made me smile.
- etagobla 7y ago
  His writing is a little goofy sometimes, but take what you can from it. Where does he oversimplify? What does he get right? Has this made you think about your own life? The real funny thing is that he's not even telling you what to do. He just spends a lot of time with his kid and wrote about why it makes him happy.
- tasuki 7y ago
  > He's got a 5 year old and he's giving parenting advice. Is he not supposed to give advice because of the age of his offspring? What age children and how many ought one to have before giving parenting advice? It seemed like good advice to me, and I liked the point that in the end he's doing it all for himself.
  - RobertRoberts 7y ago
    I have a kid in college. I guarantee you that I would never do many of the same things again that I did with my 5 year old kid... but that is because I have seen the long term results. This guys is a freshman parent, but he does have a few good points. He is in for a surprise when he has more kids and simply cannot put as much time into each kid.
    - MattRix 7y ago
      Our of curiosity, what kind of things do you wish you had not done with your 5 year old? (I ask as a parent of a 7 and 9 year old)
      - RobertRoberts 7y ago
        I would be more patient and kind and sweet. I would encourage them more. But, at the same time I would raise my expectations. I did this for the later kids and it's made them harder workers and more responsible. I would spend more time teaching them to enjoy work instead of play. Find the joy of accomplishment. I would never ever (ever again) overlook disrespectful, rude or nasty behavior in any way. Because a 3 year old making nasty faces is cute, but a 16 year old making the exact same face she has made for years is hurtful, insulting and simply aggravating. I would recognize that almost all the bad behaviors a child has is the same I have, but without any adult filters to hide it properly. I would be so much more vigilant about knowing what my kid is dealing with at school. We had a few really bad teachers that really affected my kids poorly and it broke my heart to only learn about it after the fact. I would teach my child to be strong, brave and have real courage. Give her opportunities to have courage and really demonstrate how to stand up to others. But I would do all of these things patiently. I would let her fail and not be angry. Failure is fine, as long as they know what is right and good to do, they will try again. But I was harsh on failure and it drove a wedge between my oldest daughter and me, that I had to work hard to repair after she had left home. There are about a dozen moments in my kids lives over many years where I really wanted to not have to do something or face something. And the failure I had with my oldest gave me the resolve to not fail at it again. Things like making excuses not to spend time on something, or justifying not correcting bad behavior. Which brings up another minor issue about behavior, I learned that you just have to tell a child what you expect them to do for almost all problems to be solved. I can often refer to my own behavior and say "do what I do". I corrected mass family issues by simply fixing my own personal problems as well. Instead of trying to correct everyone else's, they came around to see I didn't tolerate or engage in the behavior I wanted to change in the family. I could go on and on with this stuff, but ultimately, things changed and I dealt with my kids better when I made everything my own personal responsibility to resolve and doing so in a way I wanted to be treated. I know this sounds almost trite, but when you do it for real at first you don't get results, but if you permanently change, everyone around you can't help but see it. I found that being kind and loving to my kids over all things, and taking full responsibility openly in front of the family (meaning I would gather everyone together to apologize for something I had done in front of the whole family) gives me a permanent solution to all future problems. You just can't foresee what each kid is going to be dealing with or what problems they will bring to the table, so I needed the ultimate answer to give me a strong base to solve issues from. Last, I grew up in an abusive home, no details needed, but it was damn near a nightmare most of my childhood. And I thought (with my first kid) that suffer made a kid stronger and able to deal with the harsh realities of life. But this is not true at all. Kids who have a hard life can barely get up in the morning let alone face yet another struggle. So, after seeing this massive failure (I learned this from my mother, she said it plainly so I am not assuming this theory from her) I started to build my kids up. Tell them that hard work, doing your best and encouraging them to not give up and to face hardship head on made happier and more solid kids. Now when the younger kids face something hard, they take it in stride, where my oldest still struggles with somethings that I regret so badly for not helping her learn to face. Sorry this got so long. You are raising adults, not children. The goal of parenting is a solid, happy, humble, brave, wise adult... (fill in your own here of course, these are only a few I could think of)
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surfsvammel 7y ago
I love that blog, but this doesn’t help. Parents are bombarded with messages that just adds to their anxiety and self-doubt about being a good parent and giving their kids all they need. Being a parent is tough. It’s hard work — you are thrown into this huge responsibility with no experience what-so-ever. It’s easy to feel completely abandoned in this task, it’s easy to feel that you’re not enough, that you could, or should, be doing more, better or what have you. I believe what we need, as parenting advice, is that what kids really need is love and care. It is ok to be tired as a parent, it is ok to not be able to sit and play with your kid for hours straight, it’s ok to have the kids watch the iPad, even though it’s “not stimulating their intellect” so that you have the time to shower or get something to eat. And most important, it is ok to not be the best parent in the world. I think the internet needs more messages like that instead of further increasing our insecurities as parents. Being a parent is damn though as is.
- kick 7y ago
  I believe what we need, as parenting advice, is that what kids really need is love and care. I agree with this. it’s ok to have the kids watch the iPad, even though it’s “not stimulating their intellect” Not criticizing: Why this? Why not encourage the child to do something like use Swift Playgrounds (an iPad app made for young children), or play a game, or read a book? And most important, it is ok to not be the best parent in the world. Shouldn't that be the aim of everyone, even if they miss it?
  - surfsvammel 7y ago
    I’m thinking about a three year old here. Yes. If you have something more stimulating to throw at the kid, that’s great, but the point is to not beat oneself up if you don’t. The thing is, I believe, that all this trying to be the best parent in the world is contra-productive. Because being the best parent in the world, if you read online, seem to be based on completely the wrong criterias. But that’s an opinion and maybe I am just holding on to that opinion in order to protect my own parent-self-esteem. Telling myself that it is ok for me to not constantly come up with new stimulating things to do. By the way. Having a three year old sit through an entire opera seems strange. Children at that age don’t have that kind of attention span for biological reasons. That’s why you don’t diagnose things like ADHD at that age, because everyone would have it.
forkerenok 7y ago
> Nobody else can play with us like this. Everyone else gets so bored. My younger brother was like this. The downside is that he was growing up without friends. He would be interested in many things other kids of his age were finding boring.
dhsysusbsjsi 7y ago
We get it - you’re a better parent than the rest of us. Write a blog about it.
- cerberusss 7y ago
  Really? I found it interesting (but not something that I'd like to do, though). I don't think he's aiming to impress others?
theabsurdman 7y ago
It's nice that he can do this with his child, but it's probably not realistic for most people, especially those who work 9-5. Also, add another child to the mix and suddenly things aren't so easy!
- danenania 7y ago
  That’s true, although I think there’s still a good lesson in there about making the time count, regardless of how much time you have to give. An hour of real undivided attention is probably better than spending a whole day together but being distracted most of the time.
- cerberusss 7y ago
  Well, you can of course make the choice to not add another child to the mix, if you feel like Derek's way is a good way to parent.
mothsonasloth 7y ago
This guys blog post oozes pretentiousness, especially with the music part. Most of us all capable of reproduction, and most of us are capable of raising children. It's the loud minority of people on the sidelines, who sow doubt on this topic, with stories of CEOs who don't have time for their kids, druggy parents neglecting their children or absent mothers/fathers. Go forth and multiply.
- xkcd-sucks 7y ago
  Parenting blogs are about convincing other people to raise children in your own image
  - dragonwriter 7y ago
    No, parenting blogs are about getting external validation about your own parenting skills from someone other than the people subject to them.
- golergka 7y ago
  Are we? Most of the stories I hear from friends about their parents are nightmares. And that's talking into account that the people I surround myself with are much more well adjusted than the general population. If anything, I'd say that most people fail at parenting miserably.
38932ur98u 7y ago
I don't want kids at all (at least right now in my life, I'm 25). These ideas are however a pretty strong counterpoint to my negative feelings: that you can completely shape a human brain from birth using your 30 years or whatever of experience on this planet. Hopefully giving this brain a lot of perspectives that you wish you'd been with all your life. I see this explicitly sometimes living in Europe, some parents will raise their children to be tri or quad lingual. I'm absolutely beyond jealous that my parents didn't give that to me (although I have a lot of other things to be grateful for, so I can't complain)
DoreenMichele 7y ago
This is not parenting advice. He's just talking about his life experiences and his point of view, a thing he seems to do a lot. And he's rich and famous enough that people will read it. I'm on my third parenting blog. I was a full-time wife and mom for a lot of years. I've really struggled to get any traction with anything I've done. I think I have really excellent credentials. I homeschooled. I was Director of Community Life for The TAG Project for a time, which was pro bono professional work for a voluntary health and welfare organization dealing with the educational, emotional and social needs of gifted kids. But that doesn't really translate to a resume, so to speak. I get a lot of flak for trying to say "I know something useful and I have special credentials." People mostly think I am making that up. We look to famous actors and the like for stuff like parenting advice in part because we have some sense of knowing them and being able to trust what they say. Maybe someday I can address the "parenting information" space better than Sivers, but it takes more than just being a good parent to do that. You also need to know how to write extremely well, navigate protecting family privacy while sharing inherently private stories and cultivate an audience. There may be more to it than that, but that's a plenty tall order to begin with right there. If people think it is awful that some rich guy who can afford to spend a lot of time with his kid is talking about that, then maybe go spend time on parenting blogs written by full-time moms or people with less vaunted financial circumstances. Of course, one of the problems is that people working 9-5 who have children probably can't manage to turn out a quality blog while doing all that. Good writing takes time and effort. There is no perfect solution here. I was trying to develop a parenting blog when my kids were still minors and people on email lists were interested in what I had to say and I didn't know how to deal with a lot of the pieces of that. I couldn't monetize it effectively or get much in the way of traffic, etc. So when I got divorced, no, my blogs didn't support me. I got a corporate job instead and continued to fail as a blog writer. I got some success as a blogger while homeless. This is partly me -- I didn't know what I was doing -- and partly the world. The world didn't really want to help me succeed. If you want a certain kind of information to exist, then be a good audience. Go give attention, feedback and financial support to people doing that kind of writing. Help them develop their craft. Sivers is so rich, he can afford to not really care what anyone thinks about him anymore. And he isn't giving parenting advice per se here.
- 7y ago
jacobr 7y ago
Agree with the conclusion of the article, but many people would have better lives if they reconsidered this “parenting” thing. Are you sure you are cultivating his attention span, or were you both just born like that, and he is getting older and more mature? The hours you spend with your children (5 hours a day would be really difficult with 3 kids) during a couple of years in their childhood is not that important to their adult personality. It’s a combination of traits from birth, which class mates they get, the teachers, if they get sick, infections, siblings, grand parents, media, culture... Personally I enjoy spending time with my kids, so both me and my wife work shorter hours, but it’s to do stuff we all enjoy right now, not to cultivate this or that personality trait. Don’t be a terrible parent, and your kids will turn out whoever they were meant to be. And do the things you and your kids enjoy.
- danenania 7y ago
  Not to say that we must all spend five hours per day with our kids or they’re doomed, but there actually is research indicating that the first few years of life are disproportionately influential in personality formation.
- watwut 7y ago
  > Are you sure you are cultivating his attention span, or were you both just born like that, and he is getting older and more mature? That think really works, I encountered the idea first time when I read about Montessory system. I dont know effects in long term, but in short term. If you make it strategy to not break kids attention, kids attention span goes up. If you think about it, the same thing actually works with adults. When you are interrupted every few moments (for example by management, colleges or kid) you have harder time to focus for long spans. Once the interruptions stop, your attention span goes up.
- mlyle 7y ago
  > Are you sure you are cultivating his attention span, or were you both just born like that, and he is getting older and more mature? Ah, nature vs. nurture-- perhaps not the most novel take. > The hours you spend with your children (5 hours a day would be really difficult with 3 kids) during a couple of years in their childhood is not that important to their adult personality. It’s a combination of traits from birth, which class mates they get, the teachers, if they get sick, infections, siblings, grand parents, media, culture... It sure looks like activities during age 0-5 have a huge impact on overall trajectory. Yes, the genetic starting point matters, as does everything else afterwards. > not to cultivate this or that personality trait. IMO this is the biggest problem. I think being excessively intentional has significant potential downsides.
fouc 7y ago
Folks, don't get confused. This is not a parenting blog post. > By cultivating his long attention span, I’m cultivating my own. > By entering his world, I’m letting go of my own, like meditation. > By broadening his inputs, I’m broadening my own.
werber 7y ago
I appreciate the acknowledgment of the selfish parts of being a parent. I have very little interest even after reading this, but it makes more sense to me than the way most people talk about it
9nGQluzmnq3M 7y ago
What the author proposes -- spending 30 hours a week together with your kid and apparently doing whatever they want, regardless of how awkward or inconvenient this is for the parent -- is historically incredible abnormal (ain't nobody got time for that if you're trying to coax a living from the land) and likely to lead to a self-centered kid who expects everybody to be equally fascinated by what they're doing.
- flatiron 7y ago
  Seriously. Also an only child. I have three kids five and under. I feel like all I do is parent but never particularly get any one on one time. They’ll be fine though.
sdiq 7y ago
I was at a school graduation yesterday for preschoolers (yes, we do that in these parts of the world!). Part of the speech of the guest of honour talked about raising kids. His advice was that while we are usually bombarded with messages of things to do, he said that the most important things are the stuff that we should avoid. We teach our kids to fear, for example. This he said does a lot more damages later in life - like anxiety disorder. Teaching kids dishonesty. He said that kids learn through our actions and speech. So, if the children learn that we, as adults, deal dishonestly with others then it becomes easier for them to also end acquiring such behaviours. Can't remember all the points though, now.
johnmcauley 7y ago
We’ve (2 year old boy and 40 year old father) just finished an ancient babylonian opera. So much more rewarding when translated into Farsi, a beautiful language.

57 points by kick 7y ago

If you ask my grandma, she will answer 'for everyone' (Sweet old Jewish lady)

He's got a 5 year old and he's giving parenting advice. The ideal parent folks. We all love our children, we all try to do the best for them. You're not special. You don't post your kids face online, well I don't gloat how great of a parent I am online. We should all remember that how people present themselves online, whether it's beautiful photos on Instagram or enlightened blog posts, is not reality. Being a parent is fucking hard. I love it, it may be hard to see it sometimes but it's worth it, and I don't pretend for a minute that I don't fuck it up every other moment or that it isn't the most challenging role I've taken on. I also don't preach to other parents how they should raise their kids. I do my best, though I fail, to not judge how other people parent. I certainly don't blab about it if I do. I guess except in this miserable instance.

adreamingsoul 7y ago
How do you feel after reading that article?
- jezinka 7y ago
  that I also want not to think about household duties - I have a 3 years old and work and there is also a lot to do like meals, laundry, cleaning, shopping... Yeah, few hours outside sounds great when you have somebody who take care of everything that should be done.
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indemnity 7y ago
Note: He’s financially independent, never has to work again if he doesn’t want to. Most importantly, he has time in a way most working parents do not. Maybe that changes your perspective of how applicable his views are to your situation.
- Aeolun 7y ago
  It certainly makes it sound a little bit pretentious when you say you are spending 30 hours a week with your son.
kick 7y ago
We should all remember that how people present themselves online, whether it's beautiful photos on Instagram or enlightened blog posts, is not reality. Sivers legally forced himself to give nearly the entire value of his company (~$22,000,000 - (5% per year of living)) that he had worked years to build to charity, and that can be verified pretty easily. It's safe to say he's a better person than most, and this article isn't really advice in the sense you seem to be implying. Using a holier-than-thou tone probably doesn't help your case, very much.
- free652 7y ago
  I had to verify and I am calling BS on this. The charity will only give money to anyone else but him when he dies. Until then he is paying himself 4.4 million per year or when the trust is depleted.
  - kick 7y ago
    Did you mess up your math? 5% of 22,000,000 is not 4,400,000, it's 1,100,00.
- in_cahoots 7y ago
  Most of us don’t have the ability to give vast sums of money to charity and still spend 30 quality hours a week with a kid. How does having more financial resources make him a better person?
  - 55555 7y ago
    We know empirically that the vast majority of people who make tens of millions of dollars from their business don't give almost all of it to charity. So if we can agree on any moral framework, then I think it's fair to say that Sivers is, at least in this way, a "better" person than most, as most in his situation don't act so "good".
    - burntoutfire 7y ago
      > Sivers is, at least in this way, a "better" person than most Better than most who make millions, not than general population. Who knows, maybe the millionaires are "worse" than the average in this regard.
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austhrow743 7y ago
Yeah fuck this guy for writing on his blog. People are born with an innate ability to parent equally as well as anybody else. All parents are fantastic at it.
- tasuki 7y ago
  It appears sarcasm either isn't welcome or isn't understood on HN. Your comment made me smile.
etagobla 7y ago
His writing is a little goofy sometimes, but take what you can from it. Where does he oversimplify? What does he get right? Has this made you think about your own life? The real funny thing is that he's not even telling you what to do. He just spends a lot of time with his kid and wrote about why it makes him happy.
tasuki 7y ago
> He's got a 5 year old and he's giving parenting advice. Is he not supposed to give advice because of the age of his offspring? What age children and how many ought one to have before giving parenting advice? It seemed like good advice to me, and I liked the point that in the end he's doing it all for himself.
- RobertRoberts 7y ago
  I have a kid in college. I guarantee you that I would never do many of the same things again that I did with my 5 year old kid... but that is because I have seen the long term results. This guys is a freshman parent, but he does have a few good points. He is in for a surprise when he has more kids and simply cannot put as much time into each kid.
  - MattRix 7y ago
    Our of curiosity, what kind of things do you wish you had not done with your 5 year old? (I ask as a parent of a 7 and 9 year old)
    - RobertRoberts 7y ago
      I would be more patient and kind and sweet. I would encourage them more. But, at the same time I would raise my expectations. I did this for the later kids and it's made them harder workers and more responsible. I would spend more time teaching them to enjoy work instead of play. Find the joy of accomplishment. I would never ever (ever again) overlook disrespectful, rude or nasty behavior in any way. Because a 3 year old making nasty faces is cute, but a 16 year old making the exact same face she has made for years is hurtful, insulting and simply aggravating. I would recognize that almost all the bad behaviors a child has is the same I have, but without any adult filters to hide it properly. I would be so much more vigilant about knowing what my kid is dealing with at school. We had a few really bad teachers that really affected my kids poorly and it broke my heart to only learn about it after the fact. I would teach my child to be strong, brave and have real courage. Give her opportunities to have courage and really demonstrate how to stand up to others. But I would do all of these things patiently. I would let her fail and not be angry. Failure is fine, as long as they know what is right and good to do, they will try again. But I was harsh on failure and it drove a wedge between my oldest daughter and me, that I had to work hard to repair after she had left home. There are about a dozen moments in my kids lives over many years where I really wanted to not have to do something or face something. And the failure I had with my oldest gave me the resolve to not fail at it again. Things like making excuses not to spend time on something, or justifying not correcting bad behavior. Which brings up another minor issue about behavior, I learned that you just have to tell a child what you expect them to do for almost all problems to be solved. I can often refer to my own behavior and say "do what I do". I corrected mass family issues by simply fixing my own personal problems as well. Instead of trying to correct everyone else's, they came around to see I didn't tolerate or engage in the behavior I wanted to change in the family. I could go on and on with this stuff, but ultimately, things changed and I dealt with my kids better when I made everything my own personal responsibility to resolve and doing so in a way I wanted to be treated. I know this sounds almost trite, but when you do it for real at first you don't get results, but if you permanently change, everyone around you can't help but see it. I found that being kind and loving to my kids over all things, and taking full responsibility openly in front of the family (meaning I would gather everyone together to apologize for something I had done in front of the whole family) gives me a permanent solution to all future problems. You just can't foresee what each kid is going to be dealing with or what problems they will bring to the table, so I needed the ultimate answer to give me a strong base to solve issues from. Last, I grew up in an abusive home, no details needed, but it was damn near a nightmare most of my childhood. And I thought (with my first kid) that suffer made a kid stronger and able to deal with the harsh realities of life. But this is not true at all. Kids who have a hard life can barely get up in the morning let alone face yet another struggle. So, after seeing this massive failure (I learned this from my mother, she said it plainly so I am not assuming this theory from her) I started to build my kids up. Tell them that hard work, doing your best and encouraging them to not give up and to face hardship head on made happier and more solid kids. Now when the younger kids face something hard, they take it in stride, where my oldest still struggles with somethings that I regret so badly for not helping her learn to face. Sorry this got so long. You are raising adults, not children. The goal of parenting is a solid, happy, humble, brave, wise adult... (fill in your own here of course, these are only a few I could think of)
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surfsvammel 7y ago

I love that blog, but this doesn’t help. Parents are bombarded with messages that just adds to their anxiety and self-doubt about being a good parent and giving their kids all they need. Being a parent is tough. It’s hard work — you are thrown into this huge responsibility with no experience what-so-ever. It’s easy to feel completely abandoned in this task, it’s easy to feel that you’re not enough, that you could, or should, be doing more, better or what have you. I believe what we need, as parenting advice, is that what kids really need is love and care. It is ok to be tired as a parent, it is ok to not be able to sit and play with your kid for hours straight, it’s ok to have the kids watch the iPad, even though it’s “not stimulating their intellect” so that you have the time to shower or get something to eat. And most important, it is ok to not be the best parent in the world. I think the internet needs more messages like that instead of further increasing our insecurities as parents. Being a parent is damn though as is.

kick 7y ago
I believe what we need, as parenting advice, is that what kids really need is love and care. I agree with this. it’s ok to have the kids watch the iPad, even though it’s “not stimulating their intellect” Not criticizing: Why this? Why not encourage the child to do something like use Swift Playgrounds (an iPad app made for young children), or play a game, or read a book? And most important, it is ok to not be the best parent in the world. Shouldn't that be the aim of everyone, even if they miss it?
- surfsvammel 7y ago
  I’m thinking about a three year old here. Yes. If you have something more stimulating to throw at the kid, that’s great, but the point is to not beat oneself up if you don’t. The thing is, I believe, that all this trying to be the best parent in the world is contra-productive. Because being the best parent in the world, if you read online, seem to be based on completely the wrong criterias. But that’s an opinion and maybe I am just holding on to that opinion in order to protect my own parent-self-esteem. Telling myself that it is ok for me to not constantly come up with new stimulating things to do. By the way. Having a three year old sit through an entire opera seems strange. Children at that age don’t have that kind of attention span for biological reasons. That’s why you don’t diagnose things like ADHD at that age, because everyone would have it.

forkerenok 7y ago

> Nobody else can play with us like this. Everyone else gets so bored. My younger brother was like this. The downside is that he was growing up without friends. He would be interested in many things other kids of his age were finding boring.

dhsysusbsjsi 7y ago

We get it - you’re a better parent than the rest of us. Write a blog about it.

cerberusss 7y ago
Really? I found it interesting (but not something that I'd like to do, though). I don't think he's aiming to impress others?

theabsurdman 7y ago

It's nice that he can do this with his child, but it's probably not realistic for most people, especially those who work 9-5. Also, add another child to the mix and suddenly things aren't so easy!

danenania 7y ago
That’s true, although I think there’s still a good lesson in there about making the time count, regardless of how much time you have to give. An hour of real undivided attention is probably better than spending a whole day together but being distracted most of the time.
cerberusss 7y ago
Well, you can of course make the choice to not add another child to the mix, if you feel like Derek's way is a good way to parent.

mothsonasloth 7y ago

This guys blog post oozes pretentiousness, especially with the music part. Most of us all capable of reproduction, and most of us are capable of raising children. It's the loud minority of people on the sidelines, who sow doubt on this topic, with stories of CEOs who don't have time for their kids, druggy parents neglecting their children or absent mothers/fathers. Go forth and multiply.

xkcd-sucks 7y ago
Parenting blogs are about convincing other people to raise children in your own image
- dragonwriter 7y ago
  No, parenting blogs are about getting external validation about your own parenting skills from someone other than the people subject to them.
golergka 7y ago
Are we? Most of the stories I hear from friends about their parents are nightmares. And that's talking into account that the people I surround myself with are much more well adjusted than the general population. If anything, I'd say that most people fail at parenting miserably.

38932ur98u 7y ago

I don't want kids at all (at least right now in my life, I'm 25). These ideas are however a pretty strong counterpoint to my negative feelings: that you can completely shape a human brain from birth using your 30 years or whatever of experience on this planet. Hopefully giving this brain a lot of perspectives that you wish you'd been with all your life. I see this explicitly sometimes living in Europe, some parents will raise their children to be tri or quad lingual. I'm absolutely beyond jealous that my parents didn't give that to me (although I have a lot of other things to be grateful for, so I can't complain)

DoreenMichele 7y ago

This is not parenting advice. He's just talking about his life experiences and his point of view, a thing he seems to do a lot. And he's rich and famous enough that people will read it. I'm on my third parenting blog. I was a full-time wife and mom for a lot of years. I've really struggled to get any traction with anything I've done. I think I have really excellent credentials. I homeschooled. I was Director of Community Life for The TAG Project for a time, which was pro bono professional work for a voluntary health and welfare organization dealing with the educational, emotional and social needs of gifted kids. But that doesn't really translate to a resume, so to speak. I get a lot of flak for trying to say "I know something useful and I have special credentials." People mostly think I am making that up. We look to famous actors and the like for stuff like parenting advice in part because we have some sense of knowing them and being able to trust what they say. Maybe someday I can address the "parenting information" space better than Sivers, but it takes more than just being a good parent to do that. You also need to know how to write extremely well, navigate protecting family privacy while sharing inherently private stories and cultivate an audience. There may be more to it than that, but that's a plenty tall order to begin with right there. If people think it is awful that some rich guy who can afford to spend a lot of time with his kid is talking about that, then maybe go spend time on parenting blogs written by full-time moms or people with less vaunted financial circumstances. Of course, one of the problems is that people working 9-5 who have children probably can't manage to turn out a quality blog while doing all that. Good writing takes time and effort. There is no perfect solution here. I was trying to develop a parenting blog when my kids were still minors and people on email lists were interested in what I had to say and I didn't know how to deal with a lot of the pieces of that. I couldn't monetize it effectively or get much in the way of traffic, etc. So when I got divorced, no, my blogs didn't support me. I got a corporate job instead and continued to fail as a blog writer. I got some success as a blogger while homeless. This is partly me -- I didn't know what I was doing -- and partly the world. The world didn't really want to help me succeed. If you want a certain kind of information to exist, then be a good audience. Go give attention, feedback and financial support to people doing that kind of writing. Help them develop their craft. Sivers is so rich, he can afford to not really care what anyone thinks about him anymore. And he isn't giving parenting advice per se here.

7y ago

jacobr 7y ago

Agree with the conclusion of the article, but many people would have better lives if they reconsidered this “parenting” thing. Are you sure you are cultivating his attention span, or were you both just born like that, and he is getting older and more mature? The hours you spend with your children (5 hours a day would be really difficult with 3 kids) during a couple of years in their childhood is not that important to their adult personality. It’s a combination of traits from birth, which class mates they get, the teachers, if they get sick, infections, siblings, grand parents, media, culture... Personally I enjoy spending time with my kids, so both me and my wife work shorter hours, but it’s to do stuff we all enjoy right now, not to cultivate this or that personality trait. Don’t be a terrible parent, and your kids will turn out whoever they were meant to be. And do the things you and your kids enjoy.

danenania 7y ago
Not to say that we must all spend five hours per day with our kids or they’re doomed, but there actually is research indicating that the first few years of life are disproportionately influential in personality formation.
watwut 7y ago
> Are you sure you are cultivating his attention span, or were you both just born like that, and he is getting older and more mature? That think really works, I encountered the idea first time when I read about Montessory system. I dont know effects in long term, but in short term. If you make it strategy to not break kids attention, kids attention span goes up. If you think about it, the same thing actually works with adults. When you are interrupted every few moments (for example by management, colleges or kid) you have harder time to focus for long spans. Once the interruptions stop, your attention span goes up.
mlyle 7y ago
> Are you sure you are cultivating his attention span, or were you both just born like that, and he is getting older and more mature? Ah, nature vs. nurture-- perhaps not the most novel take. > The hours you spend with your children (5 hours a day would be really difficult with 3 kids) during a couple of years in their childhood is not that important to their adult personality. It’s a combination of traits from birth, which class mates they get, the teachers, if they get sick, infections, siblings, grand parents, media, culture... It sure looks like activities during age 0-5 have a huge impact on overall trajectory. Yes, the genetic starting point matters, as does everything else afterwards. > not to cultivate this or that personality trait. IMO this is the biggest problem. I think being excessively intentional has significant potential downsides.

fouc 7y ago

Folks, don't get confused. This is not a parenting blog post. > By cultivating his long attention span, I’m cultivating my own. > By entering his world, I’m letting go of my own, like meditation. > By broadening his inputs, I’m broadening my own.

werber 7y ago

I appreciate the acknowledgment of the selfish parts of being a parent. I have very little interest even after reading this, but it makes more sense to me than the way most people talk about it

9nGQluzmnq3M 7y ago

What the author proposes -- spending 30 hours a week together with your kid and apparently doing whatever they want, regardless of how awkward or inconvenient this is for the parent -- is historically incredible abnormal (ain't nobody got time for that if you're trying to coax a living from the land) and likely to lead to a self-centered kid who expects everybody to be equally fascinated by what they're doing.

flatiron 7y ago
Seriously. Also an only child. I have three kids five and under. I feel like all I do is parent but never particularly get any one on one time. They’ll be fine though.

sdiq 7y ago

I was at a school graduation yesterday for preschoolers (yes, we do that in these parts of the world!). Part of the speech of the guest of honour talked about raising kids. His advice was that while we are usually bombarded with messages of things to do, he said that the most important things are the stuff that we should avoid. We teach our kids to fear, for example. This he said does a lot more damages later in life - like anxiety disorder. Teaching kids dishonesty. He said that kids learn through our actions and speech. So, if the children learn that we, as adults, deal dishonestly with others then it becomes easier for them to also end acquiring such behaviours. Can't remember all the points though, now.

johnmcauley 7y ago

We’ve (2 year old boy and 40 year old father) just finished an ancient babylonian opera. So much more rewarding when translated into Farsi, a beautiful language.