16 ms·

It's later than you think

914 points by cloudytoday 7y ago

codebeaker 7y ago
I took a step back in my career to work from home, and bring my kids to the kindergarten with my bike some days, and take a late lunch and eat their "dinner" with them, and it has been totally, totally worth-it. Remote work being a set-back is possibly a side-effect of how I selected my new gig, but it has suited me so well, I don't care about the (temporary) career stagnation. Beautiful story, I felt it hard.
- purephase 7y ago
  Same here. I think the work-life balance that remote work provides is understated in our society. I get to be far more involved in my kids day-to-day, I know their teachers, friends, and generally what's happening in their lives. I think of the alternative (what I grew up with, and what a lot of my friends with kids are still doing) and it's sad. Barring the awful circumstances of the article (my heart goes out to the author) spending time with our children shouldn't be a chore to fit in. Hug them, tell them how much they mean to you, that's important. Being present in their lives though, for the brief period that life affords us, that is essential.
  - deleted 7y ago
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- stasusmt 7y ago
  Good job. But at least your job as a coder you can work anywhere. But some of us have the job that have less choice than another one. But that depend on our priority, our family, our career. our love one.
- sailfast 7y ago
  Similar story. Made a decision to set aside career path in favor of remote work, flexibility and autonomy (I have young kids) for this exact reason. I will never get this time back. I want as much of it as possible to be ours. These stories bring it home. This post was both heartbreaking, heartwarming, and very emotional to read. Thank you to the author for sharing your story.
- JeanMarcS 7y ago
  I had the opposite path 4 years ago. After working from home (and watch my kids grow) I had an opportunity to work to help finishing a big project that would make money. It was just 3-4 month of hard work (including almost every week ends and some nights) and then back to normal hours when the project would be on track. Well, as often, months turned to a year, then a year and a half, and no real end of the "hard" part in sight. My son started ignoring me, my daughter waked up early to have a glimpse of me before I go. I finaly ended it (mostly when the word Divorce was pronounced out loud) and fight to be a member of my family again. And work from home. For now, this period was the biggest mistake of my near-half-a-century life, and until the kids can take themselves in charge, I won't move from home again.
  - jschwartzi 7y ago
    Yeah, I've never had the experience that those project schedules ever turn out to be realistic. You get to the end and then there's just more stuff to do in less time. And now that you've put in all those hours everybody wonders why you're backing off from the project.
  - fuzz4lyfe 7y ago
    My experience is that "crunch time" never actually ends. It just becomes the new normal and expected over time. Its better to deliver under the maximum you are capable unfortunately. Think of it this way, is the company providing the maximum value they can to you?
- feistypharit 7y ago
  Same here, except I quit completely to stay home with our two kids. The decision was easy. One day when I was working remotely from home, the nanny rushed in carrying my 6 month old daughter. She was completely unresponsive, having her first of many febrile seizures. Eyes rolled back, body limp. We called 911. By the time they arrived she had mostly recovered, crying, but could respond to us. I quit a few months later. She's now 5 and her brother is 7. They grow out of febrile seizures and luckily she hasn't had one now for about 2 years. Overall she had about half a dozen. Besides that, the reason I also it is because if one day, my child is a drug addict, asshole, school shooter, or any other "failure" of sorts. If someone asks me if I did everything I could to prevent it. My answer will be yes, I gave it my all. It seems in the US when people say I want to provide for my children, they mean money. But more money doesn't really help your kids, it helps you. What kids really need is people to provide time.
  - Proof 7y ago
    As a Foreign Reader, it really pains me to read that there exists parents in other countries (maybe mostly USA?) that worry about whether their kid will one day become a School-Shooter. :(
    - ses1984 7y ago
      Don't worry, your kid could be the next hitler or stalin! Sorry for the gallows humor...not sorry.
      - Fnoord 7y ago
        Its only recently that we started to frown upon genocide. The atrocities committed in the Middle Ages aren't fresh enough. Mind you, its not "just the numbers". Here's a US example [1]. Or think about stories in the bible about the ill. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salem_witch_trials https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salem_witch_trials
dmfjfj 7y ago
Thank you very much for this. As adults, we often forget we need to cherish those around us. I hope author finds peace.
WA 7y ago
I read things like that with totally different eyes than when I had no kids.
- choeger 7y ago
  me too.
- badloginagain 7y ago
  I could read things like that when I had no kids.
  - SketchySeaBeast 7y ago
    I can't imagine. I don't have kids and the horror and grief is tangible.
    - latortuga 7y ago
      I can feel the panic that the author describes as he runs out of the office. I can feel it in my chest. Before kids this would have been a story to read. With them, reading this is me falling apart at my desk.
      - krallja 7y ago
        Yep. That horrible feeling from this story stuck with me for DAYS.
- a_c 7y ago
  My kid recently turned one. I can't read this article without weeping. Everyday when I back home, I regret not spending more time with my family. I love coding, by all means. But this article is a huge wake up call on where I want to strike the balance. Thanks for the article
guytv 7y ago
I don't know you, but I send my love and good thoughts.
stasusmt 7y ago
I think we need to care about our parent too. As they become old, we are just fly away from them and they will struggle in their stage as us. Damn life.
- nervousvarun 7y ago
  So much this. Personally feel this is one of the most deplorable "widely accepted" social phenomenon in the west. I have an immigrant family on my street (know them and they are from China) that is three generations...every morning as I drive to work I pass the grandparents walking the children to the bus stop for school. Every day I think "why don't our parents live with us"? I've asked them but they've said no. They have their own home and lives and like their independence. Maybe that's true, but I wonder if they're actually lonely and don't want to impose. At the end of the day I just have to think this is a mutually non-beneficial setup for all involved (the US style of moving out "never to return" at 18). I don't pretend to know why or say how to "fix" it but I believe we in the U.S. (and assuming at least some of the "west") took a wrong path somewhere when it comes to this. Also constantly see in the media examples of college grads living and working from home, always in a "negative" economic-driven context. Maybe this is a trend that is changing (again in my opinion for the better). I didn't even bring up nursing homes. Edit: Constant ""'s are because I'm trying to be aware of over-generalize here...mainly speaking for "mainstream U.S. culture" which is always problematically reductive
  - ip26 7y ago
    It's a devil's bargain either way. If you can't move away from your parents, your career prospects & upward mobility can be severely hampered. If your parents move to follow you, they can cut short their own successful careers and sever deep social ties they have spent a lifetime building. Most of this country was settled & built by people who left home to find their fortune.
    - cardiffspaceman 7y ago
      My mother moved to a far-away, small town late in her career to improve her retirement finances. (It worked). Then one of my brothers moved to a new town for access to recreation opportunities. Surprisingly they have been living a short drive apart since then. But neither of them live near the friends they made in $BIGCITY where they were born, raised, and lived for a long time. I agree with the idea of being able to start your career somewhere other than where your parents live. In the future maybe something will change about vocations/careers that will make location less relevant and this might help our family lives.
natalyarostova 7y ago
Thanks for writing this. I'm sorry for your loss.
ph0rque 7y ago
Wasn't planning on wiping away tears from my eyes this evening...
- holler 7y ago
  same, and I don't have kids yet.
tin-foil-hat 7y ago
i'm not crying you're crying
ElijahLynn 7y ago
Very touching, I shed a few tears on this part. "I’m guessing you have 1:1 meetings on the books with a lot of people you work with. Do you have them regularly scheduled with your kids?" I am totally doing this, but more like 1:1 days.
- wastedhours 7y ago
  Definitely, make sure there's just "time". Everyone I've spoken to who has a real quality relationship with their kids has reiterated quantity is better than "quality". Don't fall into the trap of thinking that making it to the odd piano recital is the same as being there every day for dinner. As the piece sadly reminds us, that calendar invite might be scheduled too late.
  - noja 7y ago
    Yeah this "quality time" trope is often just a justification for not being there very often.
    - deleted 7y ago
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    - taurath 7y ago
      You become a manager of your kids, not a parent. The quantity time is when you’re there to emotionally engage with them. If you only show up during quality time, you’re teaching them that it’s only during big moments that life matters.
trentnix 7y ago
Wow. That’s a jolt of sobriety. God bless this man and his family.
CalRobert 7y ago
Remember that performative workaholism is poison to life. Every time you put in more hours over the weekend "just because", dial in to a meeting on your vacation, or get on Slack at 10 PM "just to check a few things" - you're shifting the culture to make it that much more acceptable to demand it of everyone. The parents in your meetings that run until 7:30 bitterly hate you. It might seem OK when you're single, childless, etc. but once that time starts coming from your family you will realize what a prison you've built yourself. STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
- adossi 7y ago
  I agree if you're talking strictly about salaried employees, because you don't get paid for that overtime work. But as a contract developer if I want to work 60 hours each week, instead of 40, to earn an extra 50% when I invoice them at the end of the month, that is my prerogative.
  - sriram_sun 7y ago
    I'm a contractor. I've been working extra hours continuously for a few months. The money and flexibility are great. However, more than a few times my 6yr old (Whoa, he is 6 already?) has stumbled into my home office at 9:00 PM. I've been telling myself that this should stop. But I've been ploughing on. What if my contracts run out the end of the year? I need to upgrade my skills. So I'm traveling next week for a week long programming course. I hear first hand accounts of L5 to L6 employees and first level managers working unbelievably hard. The pay off is probably "worth it" if they or their kid don't end up being "a statistic". To be in this place (CEO, Founder, AppMaGooSoft) the odds were always in their favor to begin with. So why would the odds be unfavorable going forward? As a result there will always be a group of employees willing to throw themselves head first into whatever "challenge" "management" throws down.
  - dtech 7y ago
    That is of course your choice, but if you do that for a long time, there's a chance of burning out, divorce, losing touch with friends and family etc. Money isn't everything.
gautamcgoel 7y ago
Really bravely written post.
chrisdhoover 7y ago
Enjoy yourself, its later than you think Enjoy yourself while you’re still in the pink The years go by as quickly as a wink Enjoy yourself enjoy yourself its later than you think
wtvanhest 7y ago
IMO, the best PG essay says the same thing differently http://www.paulgraham.com/vb.html http://www.paulgraham.com/vb.html. It has had a profound impact on how I think about everything, but especially the time I spend with our now 1 year old. I'd recomend everyone read it, and internalize that you only get 52 weekends in a year. You also only get a handful of each holiday with your kids. His words are better than mine, and I encourage everyone to take the 2 minutes needed to read the essay, then implement a life strategy that gets you home with your family more.
- jodrellblank 7y ago
  > And while it's impossible to say what is a lot or a little of a continuous quantity like time, 8 is not a lot of something. If you had a handful of 8 peanuts, or a shelf of 8 books to choose from, the quantity would definitely seem limited, no matter what your lifespan was. And yet if you had a handful of 8 loaves of bread, it would be a lot of bread, if you had 8 luxurious chocolate truffles it would be more than you want to eat in one go. If you had 8 shelves of books the quantity would still "seem limited". If you stepped outside and there were 8 cars on your driveway, that would be a lot of cars and a long driveway, if none of them started and you had to walk 8 miles to the train station, that would be a long walk, if you went to the dentist and needed 8 fillings that would be a lot of fillings, and if there was a creature as tall as 8 humans, that would be a long horse. Just choosing that the units of measure are peanuts and books, is not enough to establish that 8 is a small quantity, objectively and unquestionably. Everything is relative, everything is viewed in comparison to something different. Peanuts compared to how filling they are, books compared to .. how much choice you feel you deserve, outside of reading time. 8 books is quite a lot of reading time. If you decide that 8 Christmasses is a paucity of Christmas, where did that decision come from? Why is it not enough, and how many would be enough? (and is the answer an eternal "just one more"?) If you have $8 but you want to spend $10 then $8 is not much money. If you have $8 but you want things which are ten a penny, $8 is a lot of things. If we can't control how much we have, but we can choose what we want, why do we so often choose to want more than we have, then feel annoyed at the disinterested universe for being so mean to us?
hprotagonist 7y ago
No man is an island, Entire of itself. Each is a piece of the continent, A part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less. As well as if a promontory were. As well as if a manor of thine own Or of thine friend's were. Each man's death diminishes me, For I am involved in mankind. Therefore, send not to know For whom the bell tolls, It tolls for thee. I hope you heal in time, and we're with you in your grief.
BlameKaneda 7y ago
I don't have kids of my own but my SO's sister has twin boys, aged 5 months. Reading this article was tough. What if one of her sons doesn't wake up one day? What if something happens to both of them? She and her husband have busy careers, and while I won't share this article with them (it'll probably be a sore spot) I'm hoping that they'll make enough time for their kids.
agentstrix 7y ago
If the author is reading this, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the devastation you must have felt and must continue to feel. It's important that you take care of yourself though. As someone who works in mental health, I've seen how these events sometimes have a way of affecting your mental state in a gradual and cascading manner. Please stay cognizant of you and your family's mental health in this difficult time.
- cabaalis 7y ago
  I'm divorced, with one young boy that I split time with my ex. Were this to happen to me, I am really not sure a mental health professional could help. This quote FTA may have just changed my life: "I’m guessing you have 1:1 meetings on the books with a lot of people you work with. Do you have them regularly scheduled with your kids? If there’s any lesson to take away from this, it’s to remind others (and myself) not to miss out on the things that matter."
  - toddwprice 7y ago
    I was logging on here to call out that quote specifically. My kids are both in college now, and we're empty nesters for the first time as of a week ago. My advice to all of you with young kids is to follow that advice. Schedule 1:1 time with each of your kids, and make it more important than your most important meeting at work.
klik99 7y ago
I'm in tears reading this and his wife's account (https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/all-remains-dr-jessica-brandes/ https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/all-remains-dr-jessica-brande...) - I didn't realize how short life was until I realized I only had 52 weeks with each of my one-year-old sons, and stories like this are a reminder about what's really important. A friend said it well when I was feeling guilty I wasn't putting more time into my work, "No one has ever looked back on their life and said 'I wish I spent less time with my family'".
- dgzl 7y ago
  > "No one has ever looked back on their life and said 'I wish I spent less time with my family'". Not everyone has a family worth being with.
  - calebm 7y ago
    Family is who you love.
  - overkalix 7y ago
    At some point your family is not so much the people you were born to or grew up with, but the people you've chosen to be with, build a live together... Also, if I had to guess, no one has ever looked back on their life and said 'I wish I had spent more time being deliberately obtuse on the Internet' either.
    - paulcole 7y ago
      > I wish I had spent more time being deliberately obtuse on the Internet. This is going on my tombstone lol.
    - coldtea 7y ago
      >At some point your family is not so much the people you were born to or grew up with, but the people you've chosen to be with, build a live together... Point still holds though. Your "made" family (marriage, heck, even kids) might turn up not to be all that great either. Happens to millions... >Also, if I had to guess, no one has ever looked back on their life and said 'I wish I had spent more time being deliberately obtuse on the Internet' either. Those are people who die with regrets though, so perhaps not the best people to listen to what to do not to have regrets! Their "I should have actually done that instead" deathbed choice might be equally bad as the original choice they made...
zer0faith 7y ago
Nothing is more important than family.
nscalf 7y ago
Just a note for everyone who tends to go through the comments and weigh if they should actually go read the post (I'm guilty of this), go read the post. Even if you have nothing to relate this to, it's a great contrast to the majority of posts on this site. It's a breath of fresh, troubling air.
ryanmarsh 7y ago
Many of us, especially younger folks with income anxiety and families see no other choice but to work slavishly at the expense of time with our families because we see avoiding starvation as more important than quality time. We could all be forgiven for this. I've made it past that phase of my life, having missed the entire first year of my middle daughter's life, not being there properly for my family after the loss (cancer) of one of our daughters at 2 1/2. My oldest daughter (are you keeping count) who is 18, I barely know and am just now building a relationship with. I have the luxury of not making that mistake with our youngest daughter (we're up to 4 girls now) who is now 5. I still remember giving up time at home so that I could ensure I kept my job and was investing in the skills to get the next raise. Hindsight is 20/20 and you already know what I'm going to tell you. You'd be surprised how little of your stress about your current job translates to you keeping it, but that stress makes you grumpy or distant and difficult to feel love from. You'd be surprised how something as small as dinner together, tucking them in at night, or an unrushed breakfast, can take so little time but mean so much to you and to them, still leaving you with the time to advance your career on behalf of the ones you love. Please spend those special moments, they're so few and they pass so quickly. Your family likely won't starve, and maybe even getting fired from a toxic environment will be the break you need to see what else the world has out there for you and your family. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
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forgotmypw 7y ago
>The big question is how to return to work in a way that won’t leave me again with the regrets I have now. To be honest, I’ve considered not going back. But I believe in the words of Kahlil Gibran who said, “Work is love made visible.'' Imagine you just came into enough money that you never have to work again. What would you work on, then? What is something that you can do that no one else can? What can you do to help make the world more harmonious? How can you help humans, animals, plants, machines, and the planet as a whole? Think about these questions, and then do that. Ignore money.
- justwalt 7y ago
  I’d probably find some open source project to dedicate myself to. Maybe work towards sustainability in some shape or form, or at the very least invest in it. But it’s tough to ignore money.
southerndrift 7y ago
>Wiley was obsessed with starting a business. One day it was a smoothie stand, the next it would be a gallery, then a VR headset company, then a ‘coder’, then a spaceship building company. To me, this sounds like the father shouldn't be worried too much. Wiley loved the way his father was to the point of wanting to emulate him. >Damn, could that kid dance. The kid gave it all, like his father. Without such a role model, would he have been the same kid? Would he have had such a precious life?
ChuckMcM 7y ago
Such a heart breaking story. For me it was taking a walk around the office and seeing a private plane take off from San Carlos airport, here its engine sputter, and then watching as it fell from the sky into the "lagoon" next to a hotel. Life ends. Really slammed home how a 'normal' day could suddenly be a really bad day, or your last day. One of the unfortunate challenges of tech work is that as someone young and single you can spend all your time at work with your colleagues building really cool stuff and get the social fix and the financial rewards of lots of hard work. And if you get married and have kids, and suddenly the demands of the family keeps you from putting in the same amount of time at work, well you find yourself either explaining to your boss why you aren't getting as much done, or explaining to your spouse why you don't seem them as much as they would like. Can be tricky to navigate to a new normal.
- deleted 7y ago
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- ryanwaggoner 7y ago
  Was it a twin airplane? I was doing flight training out of San Carlos around the time that happened and yeah, it was sobering. I haven’t flown since my daughter was born. This one: https://m.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/NTSB-Engine-failure-in-fatal-plane-crash-3900028.php https://m.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/NTSB-Engine-failure-in-...
  - ChuckMcM 7y ago
    That exact one
- ip26 7y ago
  I took a slightly different lesson from the light aircraft crashes close to me- I don't get in them anymore.
leshow 7y ago
Reading this post I can't help but feel for the sibling. When I was 5 I lost my sister and best friend; you just aren't equipped to deal with the event at that age.
- steve_adams_86 7y ago
  Yes, so many years with the pains unravelling as you learn to cope with that loss. Children are great at handling traumatic events, but it doesn't mean it's any less traumatic. That poor kid is probably going to struggle with this for a long time.
  - _thro_a_way_ 7y ago
    One hot August day my father was involved in a farm machinery accident, and died of his injuries two weeks later. I was 5. All the time I was growing up, it used to surface every couple of years. Later when I got into college and took a bunch of psychology and child development classes, I learned that the brain undergoes a major reorganization at about two year intervals, the last being in the early twenties. Looking back, I realized that at every brain re-org, I mourned again. I mourned like a 5 year old at 5, like a 7 year old at 7, etc. After my twenties, I thought I had put it completely behind me. Then when my own daughter was 5, I had a period of several months where I felt an unfocused dread. A feeling of impending doom that I just could not explain or account for. Then in late September of that year, somehow I snapped out of it, with the realization that I was still alive. I looked at my daughter and understood that I was her age when my father passed. And it all made sense. And I am free. Thanks for listening.
    - steve_adams_86 7y ago
      That's an incredibly hard event to process at 5. Someone close to me lost her dad at 6 in a similar way (major injury, passed away shortly after), and I've helped her process that in conversations over the years. It's still hard to grasp what that experience would be like. I can see the pain it inflicts, the questions it triggers, but I suppose I'm fortunate enough that I don't fully comprehend it. Losing parents is so hard, and hard enough as an adult when it's easier to process and you may even feel secure in your independence. I'm glad you feel free now.
twoquestions 7y ago
Glad he's able to take time off. I've known people who couldn't get time off if such a tragedy happened to them. Sure as hell stronger than I am.
ciustuc 7y ago
I honestly was not expecting that.
baxtr 7y ago
I think for me the biggest lesson is that I am taking from these kind of stories: be focused. When you are spending time with your loved ones don't look at your phone all the time. Be there with them. I am really bad at this...
jenkstom 7y ago
I hate you for posting this, but I'm going to hold my children really tightly before bed tonight.
Aaronstotle 7y ago
An incredibly heart-breaking story. I can't relate as I'm younger and just graduated from college last year. However I've lived away from my grandparents and my mom for the last 3 years and I'd like to move back home so I can spend as much time as I can with them.
univalent 7y ago
Heartbreaking to read and every parent's worst nightmare. Life has become so fast and everyone works too much these days. Growing up in India, I remember my parents (who had challenging jobs as a math prof and doctor) still spent all evening and all weekends with us and my one surviving grandparent also lived with us. Cousins came by every week and there was so much family around. Now, here we are with all this money in a giant house in this expensive place, working 60-70 hours a week and I wonder if I'm doing right by my kids. Need to spend more time with them..
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breck 7y ago
Crying as I read this. I can't imagine. Thank you for sharing. So sorry for your loss. As a new father, hits home hard. Nothing is more important in life than your family and friends. As a new father, things like SUDEP and SIDS are terrifying. I hope one day technology will improve, so we'll have fitness bands or smart cameras or smart mattresses that can detect these rare events and report back data so we can understand them, and hopefully at some point, intervene and prevent them. Sharing your story will hopefully inspire people to keep working on this kind of thing, so hopefully it might help save some other child in the future.
callmeal 7y ago
I thought it was about my favorite poem [0], but it turned out to be even more heartbreaking. > Lastly, you who read; aye, you >Who this very line may scan: >Think of all you planned to do ... >Have you done the best you can? >See! the tavern lights are low; >Black’s the night, and how you shrink! >God! and is it time to go? >Ah! the clock is always slow; >It is later than you think; >Sadly later than you think; >Far, far later than you think. [0] https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46651/it-is-later-than-you-think https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46651/it-is-later-tha...
_def 7y ago
This is a horrible fate and I wish the parents of the boy all the best. It's important that you don't beat yourself up and search for regrets though. Maybe that's part of griefing but it's not okay if it stays. It's very important to look out emotionally for yourself, only then you can reliably look out for others.
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jes 7y ago
I have liked this video by Sam Harris for several years now. It is all to easy to go through life, lost in discursive thought: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3JzcCviNDk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3JzcCviNDk
NKosmatos 7y ago
Condolences for your loss... We should all focus on things that matter in our lives and not take as granted that we (or our loved ones) will be around for ever. Stories like this remind me of a nice post about the “lifetime calendar”: https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/05/life-weeks.html https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/05/life-weeks.html
anewguy9000 7y ago
i went through a very similar experience a year ago. its been hard looking to go back to work, in particular responding to the inevitable question of "what have you been doing the past year". if you respond truthfully, its so shocking the interviewer never knows how to process it, so almost immediately feels like the doors just close. i know these things dont happen every day, and they are existentially challenging to contemplate, but they do happen. if you're responsible for hiring, please remember that your candidates are first and foremost human beings. i wish the author luck when he is ready to begin the next chapter.
citizenkeen 7y ago
I live in Portland. I switched to being a software developer when my son was born, starting a new career. I make probably $20K less than my peers. (I make $82K a year as a fourth year C# software dev. I've got a law degree and am willing to travel around the country a few weeks a year for stakeholder meetings.) I'm home every day by 3:15. I take my son to the library, to the park, to the forest, to OMSI, on weekdays. Some days he and I just sit on the couch reading and talking about superheroes for two hours until dinner. Do I feel envious of my peers who make more? Yes. A lot. The urge to keep up with the Joneses is strong. Do I second guess my decision? Never. My job is relaxed, I come home and party with my son and wife with energy. I cried reading this story, but it only affirms my decision.
- whalesalad 7y ago
  You can do both. You’re worth more than that. It doesn’t need to be one or the other.
  - jesterson 7y ago
    I believe it's almost impossible. Each of us have 24 hours per day and as of now, there is no way to stretch it.
    - whalesalad 7y ago
      With that mindset yes it’s impossible.
sv12l 7y ago
It hurts hard. I'm taking day off tomorrow for long overdue day out with my daughter.
aerovistae 7y ago
Orthogonal to the main point of this post, but was anyone else struck by the part about "he had kissed multiple girls" (by age 8)? I find that fairly incomprehensible.
hi41 7y ago
My deepest condolences to the family. I hope no parent goes through that experience the author and his family had. On the other had, I met a lady at the gym counter. She looked very tired so I enquired about her. She said it was third job. She said that she was doing that just to barely put enough food on the table for her family. I think some of the benefits IT folks enjoy is not what rest of the world experiences. She too complained that she doesn’t spend enough time with her kids. Life is difficult for so many people that they to make such compromises. The rest of us who can take time off a little should put it to best use.
- joelx 7y ago
  I was shocked when the author of the post said he had had twins and founded his business in the same month. I just had twins a few months ago and founded my business ten years ago. I couldn't imagine doing both at the same time. I have massive newfound respect for parents, and especially for working single mothers. I have no idea how they do what they do. I am fortunate enough to have a nanny, work from home, and it's still very challenging.
  - rdtwo 7y ago
    I see this kind of stuff from time to time and I also don’t understand how people do it. I wonder if they either don’t sleep or over report their contribution to parenthood
patatino 7y ago
When I was 16 I started my education as a software developer in a company and for the first time realized there are fathers who cannot go home and eat lunch with their kids. My father was always at home for lunch. My daughter was born 11 months ago and I switched jobs and work now fully remote.
agumonkey 7y ago
Yeah time and the self.. a harsh lesson to get.
A1phab3t 7y ago
As a father of a toddler, I really appreciate stories where you get a phone call out of the blue and somebody tells you your child died. I didn't have enough anxiety about him already, so thanks for giving me a reason to panic at random phone calls from my wife.

914 points by cloudytoday 7y ago

I took a step back in my career to work from home, and bring my kids to the kindergarten with my bike some days, and take a late lunch and eat their "dinner" with them, and it has been totally, totally worth-it. Remote work being a set-back is possibly a side-effect of how I selected my new gig, but it has suited me so well, I don't care about the (temporary) career stagnation. Beautiful story, I felt it hard.

purephase 7y ago
Same here. I think the work-life balance that remote work provides is understated in our society. I get to be far more involved in my kids day-to-day, I know their teachers, friends, and generally what's happening in their lives. I think of the alternative (what I grew up with, and what a lot of my friends with kids are still doing) and it's sad. Barring the awful circumstances of the article (my heart goes out to the author) spending time with our children shouldn't be a chore to fit in. Hug them, tell them how much they mean to you, that's important. Being present in their lives though, for the brief period that life affords us, that is essential.
- deleted 7y ago
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stasusmt 7y ago
Good job. But at least your job as a coder you can work anywhere. But some of us have the job that have less choice than another one. But that depend on our priority, our family, our career. our love one.
sailfast 7y ago
Similar story. Made a decision to set aside career path in favor of remote work, flexibility and autonomy (I have young kids) for this exact reason. I will never get this time back. I want as much of it as possible to be ours. These stories bring it home. This post was both heartbreaking, heartwarming, and very emotional to read. Thank you to the author for sharing your story.
JeanMarcS 7y ago
I had the opposite path 4 years ago. After working from home (and watch my kids grow) I had an opportunity to work to help finishing a big project that would make money. It was just 3-4 month of hard work (including almost every week ends and some nights) and then back to normal hours when the project would be on track. Well, as often, months turned to a year, then a year and a half, and no real end of the "hard" part in sight. My son started ignoring me, my daughter waked up early to have a glimpse of me before I go. I finaly ended it (mostly when the word Divorce was pronounced out loud) and fight to be a member of my family again. And work from home. For now, this period was the biggest mistake of my near-half-a-century life, and until the kids can take themselves in charge, I won't move from home again.
- jschwartzi 7y ago
  Yeah, I've never had the experience that those project schedules ever turn out to be realistic. You get to the end and then there's just more stuff to do in less time. And now that you've put in all those hours everybody wonders why you're backing off from the project.
- fuzz4lyfe 7y ago
  My experience is that "crunch time" never actually ends. It just becomes the new normal and expected over time. Its better to deliver under the maximum you are capable unfortunately. Think of it this way, is the company providing the maximum value they can to you?
feistypharit 7y ago
Same here, except I quit completely to stay home with our two kids. The decision was easy. One day when I was working remotely from home, the nanny rushed in carrying my 6 month old daughter. She was completely unresponsive, having her first of many febrile seizures. Eyes rolled back, body limp. We called 911. By the time they arrived she had mostly recovered, crying, but could respond to us. I quit a few months later. She's now 5 and her brother is 7. They grow out of febrile seizures and luckily she hasn't had one now for about 2 years. Overall she had about half a dozen. Besides that, the reason I also it is because if one day, my child is a drug addict, asshole, school shooter, or any other "failure" of sorts. If someone asks me if I did everything I could to prevent it. My answer will be yes, I gave it my all. It seems in the US when people say I want to provide for my children, they mean money. But more money doesn't really help your kids, it helps you. What kids really need is people to provide time.
- Proof 7y ago
  As a Foreign Reader, it really pains me to read that there exists parents in other countries (maybe mostly USA?) that worry about whether their kid will one day become a School-Shooter. :(
  - ses1984 7y ago
    Don't worry, your kid could be the next hitler or stalin! Sorry for the gallows humor...not sorry.
    - Fnoord 7y ago
      Its only recently that we started to frown upon genocide. The atrocities committed in the Middle Ages aren't fresh enough. Mind you, its not "just the numbers". Here's a US example [1]. Or think about stories in the bible about the ill. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salem_witch_trials https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salem_witch_trials

dmfjfj 7y ago

Thank you very much for this. As adults, we often forget we need to cherish those around us. I hope author finds peace.

WA 7y ago

I read things like that with totally different eyes than when I had no kids.

choeger 7y ago
me too.
badloginagain 7y ago
I could read things like that when I had no kids.
- SketchySeaBeast 7y ago
  I can't imagine. I don't have kids and the horror and grief is tangible.
  - latortuga 7y ago
    I can feel the panic that the author describes as he runs out of the office. I can feel it in my chest. Before kids this would have been a story to read. With them, reading this is me falling apart at my desk.
    - krallja 7y ago
      Yep. That horrible feeling from this story stuck with me for DAYS.
a_c 7y ago
My kid recently turned one. I can't read this article without weeping. Everyday when I back home, I regret not spending more time with my family. I love coding, by all means. But this article is a huge wake up call on where I want to strike the balance. Thanks for the article

guytv 7y ago

I don't know you, but I send my love and good thoughts.

stasusmt 7y ago

I think we need to care about our parent too. As they become old, we are just fly away from them and they will struggle in their stage as us. Damn life.

nervousvarun 7y ago
So much this. Personally feel this is one of the most deplorable "widely accepted" social phenomenon in the west. I have an immigrant family on my street (know them and they are from China) that is three generations...every morning as I drive to work I pass the grandparents walking the children to the bus stop for school. Every day I think "why don't our parents live with us"? I've asked them but they've said no. They have their own home and lives and like their independence. Maybe that's true, but I wonder if they're actually lonely and don't want to impose. At the end of the day I just have to think this is a mutually non-beneficial setup for all involved (the US style of moving out "never to return" at 18). I don't pretend to know why or say how to "fix" it but I believe we in the U.S. (and assuming at least some of the "west") took a wrong path somewhere when it comes to this. Also constantly see in the media examples of college grads living and working from home, always in a "negative" economic-driven context. Maybe this is a trend that is changing (again in my opinion for the better). I didn't even bring up nursing homes. Edit: Constant ""'s are because I'm trying to be aware of over-generalize here...mainly speaking for "mainstream U.S. culture" which is always problematically reductive
- ip26 7y ago
  It's a devil's bargain either way. If you can't move away from your parents, your career prospects & upward mobility can be severely hampered. If your parents move to follow you, they can cut short their own successful careers and sever deep social ties they have spent a lifetime building. Most of this country was settled & built by people who left home to find their fortune.
  - cardiffspaceman 7y ago
    My mother moved to a far-away, small town late in her career to improve her retirement finances. (It worked). Then one of my brothers moved to a new town for access to recreation opportunities. Surprisingly they have been living a short drive apart since then. But neither of them live near the friends they made in $BIGCITY where they were born, raised, and lived for a long time. I agree with the idea of being able to start your career somewhere other than where your parents live. In the future maybe something will change about vocations/careers that will make location less relevant and this might help our family lives.

natalyarostova 7y ago

Thanks for writing this. I'm sorry for your loss.

ph0rque 7y ago

Wasn't planning on wiping away tears from my eyes this evening...

holler 7y ago
same, and I don't have kids yet.

tin-foil-hat 7y ago

i'm not crying you're crying

ElijahLynn 7y ago

Very touching, I shed a few tears on this part. "I’m guessing you have 1:1 meetings on the books with a lot of people you work with. Do you have them regularly scheduled with your kids?" I am totally doing this, but more like 1:1 days.

wastedhours 7y ago
Definitely, make sure there's just "time". Everyone I've spoken to who has a real quality relationship with their kids has reiterated quantity is better than "quality". Don't fall into the trap of thinking that making it to the odd piano recital is the same as being there every day for dinner. As the piece sadly reminds us, that calendar invite might be scheduled too late.
- noja 7y ago
  Yeah this "quality time" trope is often just a justification for not being there very often.
  - deleted 7y ago
    [deleted]
  - taurath 7y ago
    You become a manager of your kids, not a parent. The quantity time is when you’re there to emotionally engage with them. If you only show up during quality time, you’re teaching them that it’s only during big moments that life matters.

trentnix 7y ago

Wow. That’s a jolt of sobriety. God bless this man and his family.

CalRobert 7y ago

Remember that performative workaholism is poison to life. Every time you put in more hours over the weekend "just because", dial in to a meeting on your vacation, or get on Slack at 10 PM "just to check a few things" - you're shifting the culture to make it that much more acceptable to demand it of everyone. The parents in your meetings that run until 7:30 bitterly hate you. It might seem OK when you're single, childless, etc. but once that time starts coming from your family you will realize what a prison you've built yourself. STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

adossi 7y ago
I agree if you're talking strictly about salaried employees, because you don't get paid for that overtime work. But as a contract developer if I want to work 60 hours each week, instead of 40, to earn an extra 50% when I invoice them at the end of the month, that is my prerogative.
- sriram_sun 7y ago
  I'm a contractor. I've been working extra hours continuously for a few months. The money and flexibility are great. However, more than a few times my 6yr old (Whoa, he is 6 already?) has stumbled into my home office at 9:00 PM. I've been telling myself that this should stop. But I've been ploughing on. What if my contracts run out the end of the year? I need to upgrade my skills. So I'm traveling next week for a week long programming course. I hear first hand accounts of L5 to L6 employees and first level managers working unbelievably hard. The pay off is probably "worth it" if they or their kid don't end up being "a statistic". To be in this place (CEO, Founder, AppMaGooSoft) the odds were always in their favor to begin with. So why would the odds be unfavorable going forward? As a result there will always be a group of employees willing to throw themselves head first into whatever "challenge" "management" throws down.
- dtech 7y ago
  That is of course your choice, but if you do that for a long time, there's a chance of burning out, divorce, losing touch with friends and family etc. Money isn't everything.

gautamcgoel 7y ago

Really bravely written post.

chrisdhoover 7y ago

Enjoy yourself, its later than you think Enjoy yourself while you’re still in the pink The years go by as quickly as a wink Enjoy yourself enjoy yourself its later than you think

wtvanhest 7y ago

IMO, the best PG essay says the same thing differently http://www.paulgraham.com/vb.html http://www.paulgraham.com/vb.html. It has had a profound impact on how I think about everything, but especially the time I spend with our now 1 year old. I'd recomend everyone read it, and internalize that you only get 52 weekends in a year. You also only get a handful of each holiday with your kids. His words are better than mine, and I encourage everyone to take the 2 minutes needed to read the essay, then implement a life strategy that gets you home with your family more.

jodrellblank 7y ago
> And while it's impossible to say what is a lot or a little of a continuous quantity like time, 8 is not a lot of something. If you had a handful of 8 peanuts, or a shelf of 8 books to choose from, the quantity would definitely seem limited, no matter what your lifespan was. And yet if you had a handful of 8 loaves of bread, it would be a lot of bread, if you had 8 luxurious chocolate truffles it would be more than you want to eat in one go. If you had 8 shelves of books the quantity would still "seem limited". If you stepped outside and there were 8 cars on your driveway, that would be a lot of cars and a long driveway, if none of them started and you had to walk 8 miles to the train station, that would be a long walk, if you went to the dentist and needed 8 fillings that would be a lot of fillings, and if there was a creature as tall as 8 humans, that would be a long horse. Just choosing that the units of measure are peanuts and books, is not enough to establish that 8 is a small quantity, objectively and unquestionably. Everything is relative, everything is viewed in comparison to something different. Peanuts compared to how filling they are, books compared to .. how much choice you feel you deserve, outside of reading time. 8 books is quite a lot of reading time. If you decide that 8 Christmasses is a paucity of Christmas, where did that decision come from? Why is it not enough, and how many would be enough? (and is the answer an eternal "just one more"?) If you have $8 but you want to spend $10 then $8 is not much money. If you have $8 but you want things which are ten a penny, $8 is a lot of things. If we can't control how much we have, but we can choose what we want, why do we so often choose to want more than we have, then feel annoyed at the disinterested universe for being so mean to us?

hprotagonist 7y ago

No man is an island, Entire of itself. Each is a piece of the continent, A part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less. As well as if a promontory were. As well as if a manor of thine own Or of thine friend's were. Each man's death diminishes me, For I am involved in mankind. Therefore, send not to know For whom the bell tolls, It tolls for thee. I hope you heal in time, and we're with you in your grief.

BlameKaneda 7y ago

I don't have kids of my own but my SO's sister has twin boys, aged 5 months. Reading this article was tough. What if one of her sons doesn't wake up one day? What if something happens to both of them? She and her husband have busy careers, and while I won't share this article with them (it'll probably be a sore spot) I'm hoping that they'll make enough time for their kids.

agentstrix 7y ago

If the author is reading this, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the devastation you must have felt and must continue to feel. It's important that you take care of yourself though. As someone who works in mental health, I've seen how these events sometimes have a way of affecting your mental state in a gradual and cascading manner. Please stay cognizant of you and your family's mental health in this difficult time.

cabaalis 7y ago
I'm divorced, with one young boy that I split time with my ex. Were this to happen to me, I am really not sure a mental health professional could help. This quote FTA may have just changed my life: "I’m guessing you have 1:1 meetings on the books with a lot of people you work with. Do you have them regularly scheduled with your kids? If there’s any lesson to take away from this, it’s to remind others (and myself) not to miss out on the things that matter."
- toddwprice 7y ago
  I was logging on here to call out that quote specifically. My kids are both in college now, and we're empty nesters for the first time as of a week ago. My advice to all of you with young kids is to follow that advice. Schedule 1:1 time with each of your kids, and make it more important than your most important meeting at work.

klik99 7y ago

I'm in tears reading this and his wife's account (https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/all-remains-dr-jessica-brandes/ https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/all-remains-dr-jessica-brande...) - I didn't realize how short life was until I realized I only had 52 weeks with each of my one-year-old sons, and stories like this are a reminder about what's really important. A friend said it well when I was feeling guilty I wasn't putting more time into my work, "No one has ever looked back on their life and said 'I wish I spent less time with my family'".

dgzl 7y ago
> "No one has ever looked back on their life and said 'I wish I spent less time with my family'". Not everyone has a family worth being with.
- calebm 7y ago
  Family is who you love.
- overkalix 7y ago
  At some point your family is not so much the people you were born to or grew up with, but the people you've chosen to be with, build a live together... Also, if I had to guess, no one has ever looked back on their life and said 'I wish I had spent more time being deliberately obtuse on the Internet' either.
  - paulcole 7y ago
    > I wish I had spent more time being deliberately obtuse on the Internet. This is going on my tombstone lol.
  - coldtea 7y ago
    >At some point your family is not so much the people you were born to or grew up with, but the people you've chosen to be with, build a live together... Point still holds though. Your "made" family (marriage, heck, even kids) might turn up not to be all that great either. Happens to millions... >Also, if I had to guess, no one has ever looked back on their life and said 'I wish I had spent more time being deliberately obtuse on the Internet' either. Those are people who die with regrets though, so perhaps not the best people to listen to what to do not to have regrets! Their "I should have actually done that instead" deathbed choice might be equally bad as the original choice they made...

zer0faith 7y ago

Nothing is more important than family.

nscalf 7y ago

Just a note for everyone who tends to go through the comments and weigh if they should actually go read the post (I'm guilty of this), go read the post. Even if you have nothing to relate this to, it's a great contrast to the majority of posts on this site. It's a breath of fresh, troubling air.

ryanmarsh 7y ago

Many of us, especially younger folks with income anxiety and families see no other choice but to work slavishly at the expense of time with our families because we see avoiding starvation as more important than quality time. We could all be forgiven for this. I've made it past that phase of my life, having missed the entire first year of my middle daughter's life, not being there properly for my family after the loss (cancer) of one of our daughters at 2 1/2. My oldest daughter (are you keeping count) who is 18, I barely know and am just now building a relationship with. I have the luxury of not making that mistake with our youngest daughter (we're up to 4 girls now) who is now 5. I still remember giving up time at home so that I could ensure I kept my job and was investing in the skills to get the next raise. Hindsight is 20/20 and you already know what I'm going to tell you. You'd be surprised how little of your stress about your current job translates to you keeping it, but that stress makes you grumpy or distant and difficult to feel love from. You'd be surprised how something as small as dinner together, tucking them in at night, or an unrushed breakfast, can take so little time but mean so much to you and to them, still leaving you with the time to advance your career on behalf of the ones you love. Please spend those special moments, they're so few and they pass so quickly. Your family likely won't starve, and maybe even getting fired from a toxic environment will be the break you need to see what else the world has out there for you and your family. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

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forgotmypw 7y ago

>The big question is how to return to work in a way that won’t leave me again with the regrets I have now. To be honest, I’ve considered not going back. But I believe in the words of Kahlil Gibran who said, “Work is love made visible.'' Imagine you just came into enough money that you never have to work again. What would you work on, then? What is something that you can do that no one else can? What can you do to help make the world more harmonious? How can you help humans, animals, plants, machines, and the planet as a whole? Think about these questions, and then do that. Ignore money.

justwalt 7y ago
I’d probably find some open source project to dedicate myself to. Maybe work towards sustainability in some shape or form, or at the very least invest in it. But it’s tough to ignore money.

southerndrift 7y ago

>Wiley was obsessed with starting a business. One day it was a smoothie stand, the next it would be a gallery, then a VR headset company, then a ‘coder’, then a spaceship building company. To me, this sounds like the father shouldn't be worried too much. Wiley loved the way his father was to the point of wanting to emulate him. >Damn, could that kid dance. The kid gave it all, like his father. Without such a role model, would he have been the same kid? Would he have had such a precious life?

ChuckMcM 7y ago

Such a heart breaking story. For me it was taking a walk around the office and seeing a private plane take off from San Carlos airport, here its engine sputter, and then watching as it fell from the sky into the "lagoon" next to a hotel. Life ends. Really slammed home how a 'normal' day could suddenly be a really bad day, or your last day. One of the unfortunate challenges of tech work is that as someone young and single you can spend all your time at work with your colleagues building really cool stuff and get the social fix and the financial rewards of lots of hard work. And if you get married and have kids, and suddenly the demands of the family keeps you from putting in the same amount of time at work, well you find yourself either explaining to your boss why you aren't getting as much done, or explaining to your spouse why you don't seem them as much as they would like. Can be tricky to navigate to a new normal.

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ryanwaggoner 7y ago
Was it a twin airplane? I was doing flight training out of San Carlos around the time that happened and yeah, it was sobering. I haven’t flown since my daughter was born. This one: https://m.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/NTSB-Engine-failure-in-fatal-plane-crash-3900028.php https://m.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/NTSB-Engine-failure-in-...
- ChuckMcM 7y ago
  That exact one
ip26 7y ago
I took a slightly different lesson from the light aircraft crashes close to me- I don't get in them anymore.

leshow 7y ago

Reading this post I can't help but feel for the sibling. When I was 5 I lost my sister and best friend; you just aren't equipped to deal with the event at that age.

steve_adams_86 7y ago
Yes, so many years with the pains unravelling as you learn to cope with that loss. Children are great at handling traumatic events, but it doesn't mean it's any less traumatic. That poor kid is probably going to struggle with this for a long time.
- _thro_a_way_ 7y ago
  One hot August day my father was involved in a farm machinery accident, and died of his injuries two weeks later. I was 5. All the time I was growing up, it used to surface every couple of years. Later when I got into college and took a bunch of psychology and child development classes, I learned that the brain undergoes a major reorganization at about two year intervals, the last being in the early twenties. Looking back, I realized that at every brain re-org, I mourned again. I mourned like a 5 year old at 5, like a 7 year old at 7, etc. After my twenties, I thought I had put it completely behind me. Then when my own daughter was 5, I had a period of several months where I felt an unfocused dread. A feeling of impending doom that I just could not explain or account for. Then in late September of that year, somehow I snapped out of it, with the realization that I was still alive. I looked at my daughter and understood that I was her age when my father passed. And it all made sense. And I am free. Thanks for listening.
  - steve_adams_86 7y ago
    That's an incredibly hard event to process at 5. Someone close to me lost her dad at 6 in a similar way (major injury, passed away shortly after), and I've helped her process that in conversations over the years. It's still hard to grasp what that experience would be like. I can see the pain it inflicts, the questions it triggers, but I suppose I'm fortunate enough that I don't fully comprehend it. Losing parents is so hard, and hard enough as an adult when it's easier to process and you may even feel secure in your independence. I'm glad you feel free now.

twoquestions 7y ago

Glad he's able to take time off. I've known people who couldn't get time off if such a tragedy happened to them. Sure as hell stronger than I am.

ciustuc 7y ago

I honestly was not expecting that.

baxtr 7y ago

I think for me the biggest lesson is that I am taking from these kind of stories: be focused. When you are spending time with your loved ones don't look at your phone all the time. Be there with them. I am really bad at this...

jenkstom 7y ago

I hate you for posting this, but I'm going to hold my children really tightly before bed tonight.

Aaronstotle 7y ago

An incredibly heart-breaking story. I can't relate as I'm younger and just graduated from college last year. However I've lived away from my grandparents and my mom for the last 3 years and I'd like to move back home so I can spend as much time as I can with them.

univalent 7y ago

Heartbreaking to read and every parent's worst nightmare. Life has become so fast and everyone works too much these days. Growing up in India, I remember my parents (who had challenging jobs as a math prof and doctor) still spent all evening and all weekends with us and my one surviving grandparent also lived with us. Cousins came by every week and there was so much family around. Now, here we are with all this money in a giant house in this expensive place, working 60-70 hours a week and I wonder if I'm doing right by my kids. Need to spend more time with them..

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breck 7y ago

Crying as I read this. I can't imagine. Thank you for sharing. So sorry for your loss. As a new father, hits home hard. Nothing is more important in life than your family and friends. As a new father, things like SUDEP and SIDS are terrifying. I hope one day technology will improve, so we'll have fitness bands or smart cameras or smart mattresses that can detect these rare events and report back data so we can understand them, and hopefully at some point, intervene and prevent them. Sharing your story will hopefully inspire people to keep working on this kind of thing, so hopefully it might help save some other child in the future.

callmeal 7y ago

I thought it was about my favorite poem [0], but it turned out to be even more heartbreaking. > Lastly, you who read; aye, you >Who this very line may scan: >Think of all you planned to do ... >Have you done the best you can? >See! the tavern lights are low; >Black’s the night, and how you shrink! >God! and is it time to go? >Ah! the clock is always slow; >It is later than you think; >Sadly later than you think; >Far, far later than you think. [0] https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46651/it-is-later-than-you-think https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46651/it-is-later-tha...

_def 7y ago

This is a horrible fate and I wish the parents of the boy all the best. It's important that you don't beat yourself up and search for regrets though. Maybe that's part of griefing but it's not okay if it stays. It's very important to look out emotionally for yourself, only then you can reliably look out for others.

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jes 7y ago

I have liked this video by Sam Harris for several years now. It is all to easy to go through life, lost in discursive thought: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3JzcCviNDk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3JzcCviNDk

NKosmatos 7y ago

Condolences for your loss... We should all focus on things that matter in our lives and not take as granted that we (or our loved ones) will be around for ever. Stories like this remind me of a nice post about the “lifetime calendar”: https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/05/life-weeks.html https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/05/life-weeks.html

anewguy9000 7y ago

i went through a very similar experience a year ago. its been hard looking to go back to work, in particular responding to the inevitable question of "what have you been doing the past year". if you respond truthfully, its so shocking the interviewer never knows how to process it, so almost immediately feels like the doors just close. i know these things dont happen every day, and they are existentially challenging to contemplate, but they do happen. if you're responsible for hiring, please remember that your candidates are first and foremost human beings. i wish the author luck when he is ready to begin the next chapter.

citizenkeen 7y ago

I live in Portland. I switched to being a software developer when my son was born, starting a new career. I make probably $20K less than my peers. (I make $82K a year as a fourth year C# software dev. I've got a law degree and am willing to travel around the country a few weeks a year for stakeholder meetings.) I'm home every day by 3:15. I take my son to the library, to the park, to the forest, to OMSI, on weekdays. Some days he and I just sit on the couch reading and talking about superheroes for two hours until dinner. Do I feel envious of my peers who make more? Yes. A lot. The urge to keep up with the Joneses is strong. Do I second guess my decision? Never. My job is relaxed, I come home and party with my son and wife with energy. I cried reading this story, but it only affirms my decision.

whalesalad 7y ago
You can do both. You’re worth more than that. It doesn’t need to be one or the other.
- jesterson 7y ago
  I believe it's almost impossible. Each of us have 24 hours per day and as of now, there is no way to stretch it.
  - whalesalad 7y ago
    With that mindset yes it’s impossible.

sv12l 7y ago

It hurts hard. I'm taking day off tomorrow for long overdue day out with my daughter.

aerovistae 7y ago

Orthogonal to the main point of this post, but was anyone else struck by the part about "he had kissed multiple girls" (by age 8)? I find that fairly incomprehensible.

hi41 7y ago

My deepest condolences to the family. I hope no parent goes through that experience the author and his family had. On the other had, I met a lady at the gym counter. She looked very tired so I enquired about her. She said it was third job. She said that she was doing that just to barely put enough food on the table for her family. I think some of the benefits IT folks enjoy is not what rest of the world experiences. She too complained that she doesn’t spend enough time with her kids. Life is difficult for so many people that they to make such compromises. The rest of us who can take time off a little should put it to best use.

joelx 7y ago
I was shocked when the author of the post said he had had twins and founded his business in the same month. I just had twins a few months ago and founded my business ten years ago. I couldn't imagine doing both at the same time. I have massive newfound respect for parents, and especially for working single mothers. I have no idea how they do what they do. I am fortunate enough to have a nanny, work from home, and it's still very challenging.
- rdtwo 7y ago
  I see this kind of stuff from time to time and I also don’t understand how people do it. I wonder if they either don’t sleep or over report their contribution to parenthood

patatino 7y ago

When I was 16 I started my education as a software developer in a company and for the first time realized there are fathers who cannot go home and eat lunch with their kids. My father was always at home for lunch. My daughter was born 11 months ago and I switched jobs and work now fully remote.

agumonkey 7y ago

Yeah time and the self.. a harsh lesson to get.

A1phab3t 7y ago

As a father of a toddler, I really appreciate stories where you get a phone call out of the blue and somebody tells you your child died. I didn't have enough anxiety about him already, so thanks for giving me a reason to panic at random phone calls from my wife.