8 ms·

I can't really imagine another way to date. People want to go about their day and get groceries without being hit on. People want to go to meetups without being

I can't really imagine another way to date. People want to go about their day and get groceries without being hit on. People want to go to meetups without being hit on. Nobody wants to play matchmaker for two friends then be stuck in the middle when it doesn't work out. Online dating gives you a way to explicitly opt in to "I want to meet you romantically" and lets you meet people who you would otherwise have absolutely no way to encounter.

notus 7y ago
I think it is a definite improvement over how it used to be which was either just hit on everyone/be hit on by everyone or go to a lot of social functions and acquire friendships that might blossom into something else more naturally. I have more of a dislike for the former approach than the latter.
gbjw 7y ago
What's wrong with being hit on (assuming that it's not sexual harrassment)? What's wrong with taking a risk and setting up two friends? Why do we have to segment all life into easy-to-classify pockets of time: 'work', 'dating', 'getting groceries'? Does this not remove some element of spontaneity and joie-de-vivre that makes life thrilling and make one feel human (and not a finite state machine)? While I think the dating apps can certainly facilitate the meeting of two people who otherwise would never meet, I worry about this general attitude.
- inetknght 7y ago
  > What's wrong with being hit on (assuming that its not sexual harrassment)? There are a great number of rotten people who "cast a wide net". When there's a large number of nets being cast, you start to drown in the sea unable to spot the difference between someone genuinely interested in a relationship and someone who's just sexually harassing you.
  - 0x8BADF00D 7y ago
    It is hard to imagine what it feels like to be hit on all the time, even if it is sometimes wanted.
  - bargl 7y ago
    Isn't this a problem online too?
    - inetknght 7y ago
      Yes, but with a caveat: it's a lot harder (and a lot more premeditated) for someone online to harm you than if they're standing next to you. Moreover, you can usually block people from talking to you or even seeing you exist online. Walking away from rotten people can easily escalate into a physically dangerous situation.
- robrtsql 7y ago
  > What's wrong with being hit on (assuming that it's not sexual harrassment)? Regardless of the intent of the pursuer, it (sometimes) makes people uncomfortable. I believe that people deserve to be able to grocery shop without having to worry about letting someone down easy or dealing with someone who gets aggressive when rejected.
  - deleted 7y ago
    [deleted]
  - anon9001 7y ago
    > I believe that people deserve to be able to grocery shop without having to worry about letting someone down easy or dealing with someone who gets aggressive when rejected. Delivery is so fast and ubiquitous that it makes me wonder if the only people actually going to the grocery store are people looking for social interaction. Maybe we should have designated, opt-in, "social spaces" where human<->human interaction isn't considered a breach of norms? Or the other way, there could be designated areas where interacting with strangers is forbidden for your convenience. When we finally get AR, I wouldn't be surprised if you could put yourself in "busy mode" IRL, so other AR-enabled people would know to leave you alone.
    - Johnny555 7y ago
      we should have designated, opt-in, "social spaces" where human<->human interaction isn't considered a breach of norms Don't we already have such spaces, called "nightclubs"?
- taylodl 7y ago
  I too worry about this general attitude. Not only is flirting fun, it’s built in to our species. It adds a lot of spice to life. If you don’t know how to flirt without “hitting on” someone and making them feel uncomfortable then you have to up your game. I have no desire to live an algorithmic life.
  - amelius 7y ago
    Also: if you don't hit on a person, then still hundreds of people will do so on a given day. If all polite people stopped hitting on other people then at some point some people will ask themselves: why do only the uninteresting people hit on me?
    - goldfeld 7y ago
      And the answer is: because the really interesting people play a hard catch and hitting up shopping groceries is not playing hard enough. The really interesting people will like being hit on say, throughout a year on a dance or yoga class though, subtly and slowly.
  - inetknght 7y ago
    I don't find flirting to be fun. I completely disagree about it being "built in" to our species. I feel that the phrase "up your game" as a strong insult in this context: I don't believe dating should be gamed; I also believe that those who do game dating are among the worst people I've met. That doesn't mean I live an algorithmic life.
    - blub 7y ago
      Looks pretty algorithmic to me: #include "env.hpp" #define FLIRTING "not fun" #if __has_feature(flirting) #error Invalid built-in environment #endif int main() { const char insult[] = "up your game"; Person p; if (has_gamed(p) && FLIRTING) { p.set_worst(); throw insult; } }
    - thekyle 7y ago
      > I don't believe dating should be gamed I agree, which is why I dislike dating apps. It seems like the dominant practice is for men to "right swipe" or message every woman (regardless of whether they are actually attracted to them or not) then decide whether they're actually interested once they get a match/response. This results in women getting lots of generic messages from guys who are not actually interested in them. It's really a crappy experience for both genders. However, it seems to be the local optima that modern dating apps converge on.
- Sohcahtoa82 7y ago
  > What's wrong with being hit on (assuming that it's not sexual harrassment)? Because the definition of "hitting on" varies so widely. It can vary from a compliment to their clothing to cat calling, depend on who you ask. > What's wrong with taking a risk and setting up two friends? Because as you admit, it's a risk. It can create an incredibly awkward situation if you're in the middle if they split up. > Why do we have to segment all life into easy-to-classify pockets of time: 'work', 'dating', 'getting groceries'? I learned the hard way to not mix work and dating. And when I'm running errands, I just want to get them done and go back home. I'm not interested in wasting time talking to people I don't know. > Does this not remove some element of spontaneity and joie-de-vivre that makes life thrilling and make one feel human (and not a finite state machine)? I think you're just more extroverted than I (and probably a lot of others on HN) am.
  - deleted 7y ago
    [deleted]
- ericmcer 7y ago
  It’s uncomfortable? If you have ever been in a situation where you are in close proximity with someone who is openly attracted to you it feels weird, like you are being surveilled and there is an expectation that you cannot and don’t want to fulfill. Not that I am often hit on but the few times it has happened it registered in my brain as “ohhh I see why women don’t want this kind of attention”
- rayiner 7y ago
  > What's wrong with being hit on (assuming that it's not sexual harrassment)? You’re polluting the space around you. It’s a negative externality.
Blackstone4 7y ago
> People want to go about their day and get groceries without being hit on I'm not sure this is always the case. I feel like many of my women friends would prefer to meet someone offline but they do not always get many inbounds so they use online dating. I feel like there's a clear edge for men who ask women out in person because less people are doing so. Further to this, apps like Tinder are good at showing off looks but not necessarily status. This works great for good looking women but not men who need to convey gravitas/worth in order to attract women. This is based on the theory that men are 'success' objects. I think this is something that is more easily done offline.
- MaximumYComb 7y ago
  The issue is that, as a single man, how do I know which of the 30 women I bump into during a day are open to being hit on and which will feel annoyed? Some may prefer to be hit on but I'm going to annoy a lot of women in the process. Far easier to use an opt in dating app
  - ebg13 7y ago
    > Far easier Easier isn't the right metric. It's far less selfishly obnoxious to the world to not actively harass random people just in case one of them might be ok with it.
  - EliRivers 7y ago
    how do I know which of the 30 women I bump into during a day are open to being hit on and which will feel annoyed? In effect, you ask them. However, this is not done in the literalist HN style - that is, you do not say "Hi, may I please hit on you?" or any other such set of words. Nonetheless, one asks, and some will say yes, and some will say no; some will know they're answering, some won't even notice, and sometimes the asker doesn't even notice that they're asking. To a number of people, this sounds crazy. As crazy as the idea that some authors cannot be read literally to get the meaning of their words. There are languages encoded within language and this is one such. If one happens not to speak this language, I guess it's dating apps or nothing :/
VladimirIvanov 7y ago
On the other hand it's a depressing thought that now it's becoming unacceptable to say hello to someone you see in a public place. Online dating is definitely a winner take all environment. I certainly have not had much success. It's also quite superficial to reduce everything down to a two dimensional picture.
- feministincel 7y ago
  I don’t know about you but I’d never say hi to someone I don’t already know in public. Even people I know...
bargl 7y ago
I disagree, I think that: People want to go about their day and not be hit and have to reject people face to face. It's a difficult interaction human interaction to have. People DO want to go about their day and be hit on by the right person. When I was single, I loved being hit on by someone who I was into. It was fun. And I hated it when I had to let someone know I wasn't interested, it was terrible. One of the issues that online dating solves is it makes the rejection process easier and less confrontational for the person being approached.
rolltiide 7y ago
There are no absolutes, only consequences One example, for every person that will speak for a woman that clearly had her headphones on and didnt want to talk, there are just as many women that arent trying to telepathically signal to leave them alone and are open to the interruption Everyone operating in absolutes are at a disadvantage There will always be people better at reading this, there will always be people attractive enough to get a pass on actions that the internet says are always bad, there will always be people part of a hookup that “didnt count” which is never considered when people complain about how they get hit on People are gatekeeping to reduce unwanted attention from unattractive people
peruvian 7y ago
Ever heard of a bar of a club? Still a very good way to meet potential partners. Also people date people they meet in activities all the time - close friend of mine met her partner in her martial arts class.
blub 7y ago
Flirting is an art that can be learned and it's fun. The body language, tone of voice, looks - everything is designed to be sensed. It takes some strong powers of denial to suggest that looking at pixels on a screen can even compare. Yours is just the modern, considerate iteration of being scared to approach women.
impostir 7y ago
I kinda agree with you with a few nebulous exceptions. One, me, and most single people I know, would be perfectly fine with meeting some going about a day, i.e. grocery shopping. That doesn't mean I want pickup lines thrown at me, but if you're interested, start up a conversation. Secondly, I am also okay with the concept of meeting people online, except I can't find a network that doesn't make me feel like a creep. They all make me feel like I am shopping for a person that I think is attractive.

notus 7y ago

I think it is a definite improvement over how it used to be which was either just hit on everyone/be hit on by everyone or go to a lot of social functions and acquire friendships that might blossom into something else more naturally. I have more of a dislike for the former approach than the latter.

gbjw 7y ago

What's wrong with being hit on (assuming that it's not sexual harrassment)? What's wrong with taking a risk and setting up two friends? Why do we have to segment all life into easy-to-classify pockets of time: 'work', 'dating', 'getting groceries'? Does this not remove some element of spontaneity and joie-de-vivre that makes life thrilling and make one feel human (and not a finite state machine)? While I think the dating apps can certainly facilitate the meeting of two people who otherwise would never meet, I worry about this general attitude.

inetknght 7y ago
> What's wrong with being hit on (assuming that its not sexual harrassment)? There are a great number of rotten people who "cast a wide net". When there's a large number of nets being cast, you start to drown in the sea unable to spot the difference between someone genuinely interested in a relationship and someone who's just sexually harassing you.
- 0x8BADF00D 7y ago
  It is hard to imagine what it feels like to be hit on all the time, even if it is sometimes wanted.
- bargl 7y ago
  Isn't this a problem online too?
  - inetknght 7y ago
    Yes, but with a caveat: it's a lot harder (and a lot more premeditated) for someone online to harm you than if they're standing next to you. Moreover, you can usually block people from talking to you or even seeing you exist online. Walking away from rotten people can easily escalate into a physically dangerous situation.
robrtsql 7y ago
> What's wrong with being hit on (assuming that it's not sexual harrassment)? Regardless of the intent of the pursuer, it (sometimes) makes people uncomfortable. I believe that people deserve to be able to grocery shop without having to worry about letting someone down easy or dealing with someone who gets aggressive when rejected.
- deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
- anon9001 7y ago
  > I believe that people deserve to be able to grocery shop without having to worry about letting someone down easy or dealing with someone who gets aggressive when rejected. Delivery is so fast and ubiquitous that it makes me wonder if the only people actually going to the grocery store are people looking for social interaction. Maybe we should have designated, opt-in, "social spaces" where human<->human interaction isn't considered a breach of norms? Or the other way, there could be designated areas where interacting with strangers is forbidden for your convenience. When we finally get AR, I wouldn't be surprised if you could put yourself in "busy mode" IRL, so other AR-enabled people would know to leave you alone.
  - Johnny555 7y ago
    we should have designated, opt-in, "social spaces" where human<->human interaction isn't considered a breach of norms Don't we already have such spaces, called "nightclubs"?
taylodl 7y ago
I too worry about this general attitude. Not only is flirting fun, it’s built in to our species. It adds a lot of spice to life. If you don’t know how to flirt without “hitting on” someone and making them feel uncomfortable then you have to up your game. I have no desire to live an algorithmic life.
- amelius 7y ago
  Also: if you don't hit on a person, then still hundreds of people will do so on a given day. If all polite people stopped hitting on other people then at some point some people will ask themselves: why do only the uninteresting people hit on me?
  - goldfeld 7y ago
    And the answer is: because the really interesting people play a hard catch and hitting up shopping groceries is not playing hard enough. The really interesting people will like being hit on say, throughout a year on a dance or yoga class though, subtly and slowly.
- inetknght 7y ago
  I don't find flirting to be fun. I completely disagree about it being "built in" to our species. I feel that the phrase "up your game" as a strong insult in this context: I don't believe dating should be gamed; I also believe that those who do game dating are among the worst people I've met. That doesn't mean I live an algorithmic life.
  - blub 7y ago
    Looks pretty algorithmic to me: #include "env.hpp" #define FLIRTING "not fun" #if __has_feature(flirting) #error Invalid built-in environment #endif int main() { const char insult[] = "up your game"; Person p; if (has_gamed(p) && FLIRTING) { p.set_worst(); throw insult; } }
  - thekyle 7y ago
    > I don't believe dating should be gamed I agree, which is why I dislike dating apps. It seems like the dominant practice is for men to "right swipe" or message every woman (regardless of whether they are actually attracted to them or not) then decide whether they're actually interested once they get a match/response. This results in women getting lots of generic messages from guys who are not actually interested in them. It's really a crappy experience for both genders. However, it seems to be the local optima that modern dating apps converge on.
Sohcahtoa82 7y ago
> What's wrong with being hit on (assuming that it's not sexual harrassment)? Because the definition of "hitting on" varies so widely. It can vary from a compliment to their clothing to cat calling, depend on who you ask. > What's wrong with taking a risk and setting up two friends? Because as you admit, it's a risk. It can create an incredibly awkward situation if you're in the middle if they split up. > Why do we have to segment all life into easy-to-classify pockets of time: 'work', 'dating', 'getting groceries'? I learned the hard way to not mix work and dating. And when I'm running errands, I just want to get them done and go back home. I'm not interested in wasting time talking to people I don't know. > Does this not remove some element of spontaneity and joie-de-vivre that makes life thrilling and make one feel human (and not a finite state machine)? I think you're just more extroverted than I (and probably a lot of others on HN) am.
- deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
ericmcer 7y ago
It’s uncomfortable? If you have ever been in a situation where you are in close proximity with someone who is openly attracted to you it feels weird, like you are being surveilled and there is an expectation that you cannot and don’t want to fulfill. Not that I am often hit on but the few times it has happened it registered in my brain as “ohhh I see why women don’t want this kind of attention”
rayiner 7y ago
> What's wrong with being hit on (assuming that it's not sexual harrassment)? You’re polluting the space around you. It’s a negative externality.

Blackstone4 7y ago

> People want to go about their day and get groceries without being hit on I'm not sure this is always the case. I feel like many of my women friends would prefer to meet someone offline but they do not always get many inbounds so they use online dating. I feel like there's a clear edge for men who ask women out in person because less people are doing so. Further to this, apps like Tinder are good at showing off looks but not necessarily status. This works great for good looking women but not men who need to convey gravitas/worth in order to attract women. This is based on the theory that men are 'success' objects. I think this is something that is more easily done offline.

MaximumYComb 7y ago
The issue is that, as a single man, how do I know which of the 30 women I bump into during a day are open to being hit on and which will feel annoyed? Some may prefer to be hit on but I'm going to annoy a lot of women in the process. Far easier to use an opt in dating app
- ebg13 7y ago
  > Far easier Easier isn't the right metric. It's far less selfishly obnoxious to the world to not actively harass random people just in case one of them might be ok with it.
- EliRivers 7y ago
  how do I know which of the 30 women I bump into during a day are open to being hit on and which will feel annoyed? In effect, you ask them. However, this is not done in the literalist HN style - that is, you do not say "Hi, may I please hit on you?" or any other such set of words. Nonetheless, one asks, and some will say yes, and some will say no; some will know they're answering, some won't even notice, and sometimes the asker doesn't even notice that they're asking. To a number of people, this sounds crazy. As crazy as the idea that some authors cannot be read literally to get the meaning of their words. There are languages encoded within language and this is one such. If one happens not to speak this language, I guess it's dating apps or nothing :/

VladimirIvanov 7y ago

On the other hand it's a depressing thought that now it's becoming unacceptable to say hello to someone you see in a public place. Online dating is definitely a winner take all environment. I certainly have not had much success. It's also quite superficial to reduce everything down to a two dimensional picture.

feministincel 7y ago
I don’t know about you but I’d never say hi to someone I don’t already know in public. Even people I know...

bargl 7y ago

I disagree, I think that: People want to go about their day and not be hit and have to reject people face to face. It's a difficult interaction human interaction to have. People DO want to go about their day and be hit on by the right person. When I was single, I loved being hit on by someone who I was into. It was fun. And I hated it when I had to let someone know I wasn't interested, it was terrible. One of the issues that online dating solves is it makes the rejection process easier and less confrontational for the person being approached.

rolltiide 7y ago

There are no absolutes, only consequences One example, for every person that will speak for a woman that clearly had her headphones on and didnt want to talk, there are just as many women that arent trying to telepathically signal to leave them alone and are open to the interruption Everyone operating in absolutes are at a disadvantage There will always be people better at reading this, there will always be people attractive enough to get a pass on actions that the internet says are always bad, there will always be people part of a hookup that “didnt count” which is never considered when people complain about how they get hit on People are gatekeeping to reduce unwanted attention from unattractive people

peruvian 7y ago

Ever heard of a bar of a club? Still a very good way to meet potential partners. Also people date people they meet in activities all the time - close friend of mine met her partner in her martial arts class.

blub 7y ago

Flirting is an art that can be learned and it's fun. The body language, tone of voice, looks - everything is designed to be sensed. It takes some strong powers of denial to suggest that looking at pixels on a screen can even compare. Yours is just the modern, considerate iteration of being scared to approach women.

impostir 7y ago

I kinda agree with you with a few nebulous exceptions. One, me, and most single people I know, would be perfectly fine with meeting some going about a day, i.e. grocery shopping. That doesn't mean I want pickup lines thrown at me, but if you're interested, start up a conversation. Secondly, I am also okay with the concept of meeting people online, except I can't find a network that doesn't make me feel like a creep. They all make me feel like I am shopping for a person that I think is attractive.