30 ms·
How to Be Better at Parties
- LandR 8y agoPeople will really overthink everything won't they...
- mhh__ 8y agoAsk HN: What 10x socialising as-a-service do you use to manage your party hacks ?
- hotgoldminer 8y agoAre people upvoting this or have several people simply tried to post it?
- elcinr 8y agoIf this gets another upvote I quit the internet.
- zellyn 8y agoI upvoted it after reading your comment…
- jghjg 8y agoParty? what strange kind of meme javascript framework is that?
- drivingmenuts 8y agoWow. What kind of parties do these people go to? Ensembles? Gifts? Hell, I'm happy if I remember to bring my lucky D20 and not the metal one that destroys tables.
- pyromine 8y agoWhat kind of "party" do you bring a d20 to? I think your experience might be an outlier, most of this advice seems extremely pertinent to the events I go to.
- drivingmenuts 8y agoSounds like the parties you go to may be way above my budget level - both monetarily and socially.
- wavefunction 8y agoBirthday parties. Cool ones, at least.
- nostoc 8y agoAdventuring parties, obviously. As long as you have a cleric you're good.
- gowld 8y agoMaybe you are the outlier. Most people are not New York socialites, and aren't in college wandering into frat parties. Or perhaps there are many different ways people live, and "cocktail" parties are just one of them?
- tengbretson 8y agoOn the bright side, reading this article was easily 10x more awkward than even the worst party I've been to.
- coolso 8y agoWow, the NY Times sure is hip and cool, am I right my fellow hip and cool college-aged young adults?
- deleted 8y ago[deleted]
- pickledcabbage 8y ago>Whether you love them or hate them, parties are important. No they aren't. End of article.
- vorpalhex 8y agoThis reads like it was written by someone terrified of even potentially offending others. A good trick if you have trouble striking up conversation or finding what to talk about: FORD - Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. Once you have a conversation going, just let it flow of course - but it's a trick to get past the initial "hello" stage.
- dsfyu404ed 8y ago>A good trick if you have trouble striking up conversation or finding what to talk about: FORD - Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. These are bad conversation topics if you don't have a similar background as most of the other people at the party. The point is to connect with people. Highlighting your differences is not the way to do this.
- shoguning 8y agoYeah, I disagree with FORD totally. FORD is heavy and personal. The point of small talk is that it's small and light. You have to make sure you trust a person before you start talking about personal stuff. Small talk is about progressive disclosure. You make the conversation a little bit more personal and see if the other person reciprocates--but you have to start small, that's the whole point. If someone started out asking me about FORD I'd think they were odd/awkward or maybe snobby.
- tudelo 8y agoYou think asking about what someone does 40 hours a week is odd/akward/snobby? Dreams might be a bit heavy, but occupation?
- shoguning 8y agoYes. It depends on delivery, but it can come across very snobby when class differences may be involved. I've noticed when talking to 'upper class' people they often lead with asking about occupation, as if they're trying to guess how much money I make, or trying to figure out if I'm 'worth knowing' in their estimation. Reading too much into it? Maybe, but I'm sure some other people feel the same way if I do. I make a point to never ask, unless it's a work scenario (conference/meetup). Besides, there's usually something more interesting to talk about.
- ai_ia 8y agoI don't why this post is getting so much hate. I liked the article and it has some good points.
- rm_-rf_slash 8y agoI feel like this was meant to be a tongue-in-cheek fluff piece for the New Yorker but took a wrong turn at 42nd Street.
- rb808 8y agoThis is so classically a big difference between men and women. Most guys here will laugh at the advice because they never think like this - just turn up and drink a beer. Women know better.
- gowld 8y agoThat's an inaccurate gender stereotype.
- deleted 8y ago[deleted]
- oconnor663 8y ago> If you can bear it, go solo, and watch the other guests make a beeline toward you. This advice seems heavily skewed towards attractive people.
- nicoburns 8y agoNot necessarily. I've often found that if I set by myself for long enough at parties then usually someone will come along and start a conversation. And I'm male and not remotely attractive. The trick is to sit somewhere it it doesn't look like your awkwardly not joining in, but purposely choosing to be.
- Avalaxy 8y agoAfter reading this sentence I just wanted to comment here that the article seems to be written very much from a female POV. As a lone guy, surely people won't "beeline towards you". It requires a lot more effort and initiative.
- tlrobinson 8y agoIf you find this article absurd, as many commenters here apparently do, then perhaps it wasn’t written for people like you.
- Nursie 8y ago> Who among us, save the most self-sufficient and confident partygoer (and who is that insufferable person, anyway?), wouldn’t like to party better? I think I gave up caring about this about 10 years ago. --edit-- Actually I don't think I ever cared about this, I was probably that person, because I was too interested in just enjoying myself to be bothered what my party-rating would be at the end of the night. I think I gave up caring about parties at all a few years ago.
- jonknee 8y agoIt's not about having a party-rating, it's about having a better time at social events. If you don't like social events then that is an even better reason to want to be "better" at them.
- Nursie 8y agoI'm not sure it is, it seems to be focused on making other people think well of you. > If you don't like social events then that is an even better reason to want to be "better" at them. I like social events, I'm just not really fussed by mass gatherings so much any more. Further, why would I want to be 'better' at something I'm not really bothered about? That seems a little perverse. I don't care for oysters. I'm not sure that means I should spend time studying how to eat them better, there are plenty of things I do like.
- jonknee 8y ago> I don't care for oysters. I'm not sure that means I should spend time studying how to eat them better, there are plenty of things I do like. Oysters aren't an unavoidable part of life?
- Nursie 8y agoNeither are parties are they? I mean, I'm fine with them,I don't actively avoid them and I don't get anxious or have a terrible time. I just find them less appealing as I get older, especially when compared to having a good time with a small crowd of friends.
- sdegutis 8y agoThe fact that this kind of article needs to be written in the first place seems to confirm that there's so many basic things that people just don't learn how to do anymore, because exponential advances in technology have changed our lives so drastically that we just no longer run into the situations where we would organically learn those things. Especially with the internet, it's easier than ever to shut yourself in and never go out into the real world and have real meaningful interactions, while still feeling like your online life is full of real, meaningful interactions. Just immerse yourself into a sub-community filled with 2k people, and you feel like a social butterfly. And it's not just social lives. Things like learning how to interact in basic ways with your cashier at the store, or how to make new friends outside of work, so many of us just don't know how to do this, because our heads were in The Cloud™s while we texted and browsed reddit in line at the grocery store. Things have even changed profoundly within a single generation. When I was in school, Tamagotchis were the thing. When my little brother was in school, his teacher was using YouTube to teach them. Now my son is in high school and all his classmates have Android phones, which are such a game changer that they aren't even allowed to even have them turned on in school. And going back a little further, my oldest son and daughter have The Dangerous Book for Boys and The Daring Book for Girls which teach stuff that 100 years ago everyone knew, and now you need to buy novelty books to learn, despite many of the skills and tricks these books teach still being useful.
- tqi 8y agoHow to Win Friends and Influence People was published in 1936, and has a lot of similar advice about how to interact with people. Technology has clearly changed the contours of our interactions but I think it would be a stretch to assert that social awkwardness is a new phenomenon.
- maxxxxx 8y agoI grew up before the internet and I never learned how to navigate parties. I think it depends more on being able to see somebody close to you to learn from.
- sdegutis 8y ago
- jmchuster 8y agoFor those of you confused, the parties being described here are ones that you "walk into one but don’t know a single person there...or perhaps you’re only vaguely connected to the host". Though some of the advice given would be helpful even in a BBQ with a large group of your friends.
- k__ 8y agoI simply ask people what led them to the party in the first place. This normally leads to converstaions about their friends, then hobbies and lastly jobs. Either I have (had) some similar interests/frieds/job or I just show general interest for parts of their lifes. The main point that helped me in such coversations simply was: Not having a goal. I don't care if I just have one conversation, find new friends, a hookup, business contacts or whatnot. I simply try to learn about peoples lifes and appreciate the conversation. Somehow this elevates one already above 90% of dudes who talk to someone at parties...
- bartkappenburg 8y agoDutch (birthday)parties are so weird for foreigners that every other party seems like a walk in the park (saying this as a Dutchman who is used to it): https://dutchreview.com/culture/dutchness/how-to-celebrate-your-dutch-birthday/ https://dutchreview.com/culture/dutchness/how-to-celebrate-y...
- SubMachineGhost 8y agoIt's a bit similar in France too, on your birthday, your nameday or any happy occasion YOU ARE the one who is expected to bring pastry, cake and drinks to your office, and buy everyone drinks at launch.
- nerfhammer 8y agoSounds like the right thing to do is to just not tell anyone that it's your birthday...
- pasta 8y agoOne simple trick to start a conversation is to ask about someones hobbies. Because this is what people like to talk about. Tried this a lot of times and it always works. Most of the time the conversation will go into other interesting directions.
- joshuak 8y agoPersonally I detest people who interact with others in a programatic way. Not perhaps the people themselves, but this kind of behavior. I feel compelled to snap my fingers in their face and say "WAKEUP! We're right here talking, stop performing!" Please, please, please stop trying to be pleasing to other people. Just relax and be yourself. Performed, goal oriented, behavior at parties is hugely off-putting to me and most people I know (although I don't live in New York, so ymmv). You may say something that's upsetting to someone, or is brilliantly insightful, or in retrospect obviously silly. So fucking what!? IT'S A PARTY, not a convention. It's this kind of attitude that there is a "right" way to be social that contributes to social anxiety. Fucking stop it!
- trukterious 8y ago>interact with others in a programatic way. Yes, there's something demonic about intentionally rule-based behaviour. >It's this kind of attitude that there is a "right" way to be social that contributes to social anxiety. Fucking stop it! Here's the problem. You're claiming both that it's wrong to interact like this and that there's no right or wrong in social interaction.
- joshuak 8y agoI am not giving you a prescription for how to be liked. In fact I can assure you that some people will like you and some will not. I'm saying that though failure is unavoidable, a performance of social correctness is more failure prone then being genuine.
- trukterious 8y agoIsn't that assuming that people can't be genuinely unconscious/robotic? Can't we allow them to be so?
- Paul-ish 8y ago> Just relax and be yourself. For a lot of people, having a script allows them to relax and be themselves. I don't see whats wrong with them interacting the way they want to interact, rather than the way you want them to.
- typon 8y agoNew York journalists are somehow more socially awkward than SV programmers
- forkandwait 8y agoI was shy once. I took a couple of theater classes at the community college and read Dale Carnegie. After that social situations are easy ( I can still get anxious for what I think are good reasons : like big socioeconomic differences or it is a professional event or whatever . But just meeting new folks or speaking is no problem now.
- lordCarbonFiber 8y agoOne suggestion that I think the article misses is "host parties". I struggle a lot with social anxiety, but hosting brings everyone into a safe known space, you can always duck out to do the "jobs" the article suggests, and you learn a lot about how to manage the flow of people, set things up so everyone has a good time, and have an easy in to pretty much any conversation. Hosting a good gathering (be it a small dinner or a drunken bash) is an important skill that's often overlooked.
- marsrover 8y agoI hate hosting parties much more than going to them. If I am hosting them, I have to wait until everyone leaves before I can go to bed. If I'm not hosting them, I only have to wait as long as I like.
- rootedbox 8y agoAlways be late. Grabbing a drink / food is a perfect time to start an intro convo with someone that you'll have a real convo with later on in the party. Don't talk about yourself ask questions of others. Don't bring up work. Don't drink too much. Look for opportunities to help others (grab them a drink.. offer direction.. etc. but avoid man-splanning). Most importantly have a good time. If your not.. then leave.
- dennisgorelik 8y ago> Don't bring up work Why not bring up work? Work is an important part of our identity. It makes sense to talk about it.
- rootedbox 8y agoDon't bring it up.. doesn't mean don't talk about it. If work comes up then it comes up. No matter how interesting / fun you think your job is; Work talk can lead to you talking to much about yourself in a way thats not interesting / fun. It can limit the type of people you meet, and you can miss out on some really great network building.
- dennisgorelik 8y agoHow could work "come up" if nobody brings it up?
- dennisgorelik 8y ago> Work talk can lead to you talking to much about yourself That may happen with any topic. What is so special about work?
- stronglikedan 8y ago> Always be late. Unless you don't know anyone there except for the hosts. It's always easier to let them introduce you to the first few people through the door while the atmosphere is still calm. From there, you already have an "in" with the rest of their friends that show up later.
- orev 8y agoITT: People who don’t understand that other people are socially awkward and actually need to be taught skills like this (ranging from regular nerds to those on the spectrum), who don’t realize that “just be yourself” is terrible advice to anyone asking questions on how to be social. It’s not just a modern problem caused by phones. Maybe if you think about this in context of tech conferences, that will help you get more use out of it.
- moate 8y agoI mean, the weirdest thing for me is that these types of articles have been written forever. I remember being a kid 20 years ago and reading articles about how to be charming and make friends. I'm sure they were written 20 years before that as well. It's kinda weird all the judgement.
- orev 8y ago“How to Win Friends and Influence People” was published in 1936.
- ivm 8y agoAlso, American party dynamics are different from many other cultures, so this guide is quite useful for foreigners. Coming from Eastern Europe, I was really clumsy socially during my first visits to the US because I didn't recognize the boundaries of small talk.
- abandonliberty 8y ago"Just be yourself" is the best advice. Unfortunately it's like a zen koan and takes many years to understand.
- orev 8y agoIf it takes many years to understand the point being expressed by some words, then those words aren’t being very effective at teaching the point to begin with. One might say that’s a pretty clear criteria for evaluating whether some advice is “the best” or not.
- Camillo 8y agoIf you get invited to parties, you're already halfway there.
- _hardwaregeek 8y agoThe best way to learn this stuff is to travel alone. When you travel, you have to learn to be that weirdly gregarious person who introduces themselves to random people. You'll also learn that if people think you're weird for doing exactly that, well that's their problem. Unless you're trying to befriend a bunch of middle schoolers, you're not going to get ganged up on by a group of people for smiling and making small talk.
- LeftTurnSignal 8y ago>> The best way to learn this stuff is to travel alone. Doing this helped me so so much. The only issue I had is it gets very difficult to form long lasting relationships when you're on the road all the time. But it worked on getting my "foot in the door" so to speak at parties or whatnot now
- cortesoft 8y agoI don’t know; I have traveled alone and end up going the whole trip without talking to anyone, so I don’t think it forces you to be social if you aren’t trying.
- paulddraper 8y agoTraveling alone bifurcates based on personality. Extroverts become more so. Introverts become more so.
- lardo 8y agoIn day to day life I have a tremendous amount of social anxiety. When traveling alone I feel free to be open and generally ridiculous as the repercussions of a social faux pas are limited.
- cortesoft 8y agoI guess it depends on why you are introverted; for me, I actually don’t have any social anxiety. I feel very comfortable being myself and am not worried about what others think. I choose to be alone because I enjoy it and it relaxes me.
- hyperman1 8y agoThis reminds me of a few passages in the 2 Feynman books ("What Do You Care What Other People Think?" and "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!" At the beginning of "what do..", Feynman's mother gives very practical advice on how to treat women well and how to behave at parties. In "Surely..", when he is in a student club, the guys who always study and the guys who always party decide to teach each other the skills from the other side. Both passages struck me about how society cared about teaching people the necessary social skills. Part of what made Feynman shine was that he could be social as well as smart. It seems his environment and upbringing cared deeply about these skills and think about them as skills: Being social would not come automatically, and needed teaching and practices. To me, this article demonstrates what happens if society think social skills do come automatically, and tries to wallpaper over the cracks if it fails.
- ricefield 8y agoIn this thread: broad generalizations about society, generations, and socializing based on mostly anecdata and personal experience.
- AceyMan 8y agoI've not read all the comments yet (nor TFA) but my spouse works in Tinseltown — where major deals might be enabled by mixing at social functions — and her guiding tenet is "The 50/50 Rule," which is basically what it sounds like: 'Aim for the ratio of your conversation time (or word count) to be equal to that of your fellow conversationalist.' Meet someone who has an interesting career / hobby / culture, but they only speak in single sentences? Game on, then, for you to draw more out of them! Likewise, a dullard with no original ideas or fun topics to draw on? — hey, it's up to you to find a way to make them hold up their half (without their knowing, obvi). It took me some time to adapt and get the hang of it, but I must admit that it's made my abilities in the casual or friendly (e.g., "annual friends") social settings much stronger. You'll also find that people will remember you as being fun to chat with and they'll be more likely to catch up with you intentionally when or if you again cross paths. Highly recommended.