17 ms·

Surviving Your 40s

316 points by dsr12 9y ago

erikb 9y ago
"haha, women problems", right? I'm a man who is now 32 years old. I honestly feel the same in quite a few regards. Certainly I don't feel grownup, or old. When people call me the local equivalent of "mister" I'm surprised. But in the end all of this doesn't really matter. One needs to make the most out of every day no matter how old one is.
- alokitr 9y ago
  It's not the same. Been at your place, it's just funny (and illustrating) at 32. I guess you will see for yourself ?
WalterBright 9y ago
I'm well past 40. And it comes with certain advantages. I no longer worry about what other people think about things I like. I like disco music, a lot. I also like easy listening music from the 1960's, a lot. Football is incredibly boring. So there :-)
- tluyben2 9y ago
  I like metal and football is incredibly boring. Also; life was never easier than it has been over 40.
  - ninjamayo 9y ago
    I am in my 40s, love metal and football is also boring. Is there a pattern here considering the audience of HN?
    - emodendroket 9y ago
      I hate metal and like watching football. But I'm on the cusp of turning thirty. Perhaps you need to do a larger survey where you also collect ages.
      - Baeocystin 9y ago
        Hmm. 44, love metal, enjoy football. Still kind of pissed the Chargers left San Diego, even though I live in the bay area now. (Also, even though I've been here for a long time, freeways are called the. As in I take the 101 north to San Jose. But that is a wholly separate argument. :D)
        mar77i 9y ago
        I'm 33, love metal and what is that football thing you're talking about? Oh, we have something similar here in Europe, but I don't follow that either. Do I have to grow 40 to realize that life is unfair and finite, happiness is a choice and that I may, in fact, have my own opinion?
        DataWorker 9y ago
        Are you the person you were at 22?
        hdkmraf 9y ago
        Full metal-head in his 30s here, gotta admit I am a much different person and much happier now than when I was 22, sometimes I would like to go back in time and punch my younger self. The body is failing already, but the spirit is getting stronger.
        emodendroket 9y ago
        I'm also happier at this stage of my life (turning 30 this year) than in the past, but I have to wonder how much is my personality and how much is circumstance. I'm married, we have our own place to live, I have a relatively successful career, I have friends, and I can pursue my hobbies more or less freely. Those things weren't all true for me at 22.
    - screye 9y ago
      I have seen a trend in people in CS/math who love prog and related types of metal. More so than other disciplines. Another lover of metal, who only follows European football. Still in my 20s though.
      - ninjamayo 9y ago
        Prog metal and death metal are my favourites. It is true, growing up in the 80s it would be inevitable but a lot of my school friends were listening to pop music. I think there is definitely a pattern with CS and metal. Not sure why.
      - bmarkovic 9y ago
        Yes they do (at least in my environment) and it's extremely annoying :P Me being more of a Floyd/soul/electronica aficionado.
    - StevePerkins 9y ago
      > I am in my 40s, love metal and football is also boring. Is there a pattern here considering the audience of HN? Some of these replies are overthinking it a bit. If you're in your 40's then you were a child of the 1980's. A time period where metal (in its various flavors) was the dominant form of young white music for those escaping country or Top-40. It was also the period of time in which the Super Bowl emerged as a true cultural phenomenon in the U.S., and the NFL began surpassing baseball in television ratings.
      - VLM 9y ago
        Check the advertising stats, NFL and pro sports in general is very boomer, and ageism in SV and tech in general means relatively little overlap can be expected between NFL fans and trendy programmers. Only 9% of the NFL audience is under 18, and the average is in the 50s. Its going to be interesting both financially and culturally. For several decades football viewership average age has gone up about 6 months per 12 calendar months. NASCAR has it worse, they essentially have no youth viewers and no new viewers and their average age goes up almost exactly one year per calendar year. A lot of money and real estate is going to change hands when pro sportsball viewers literally die off. For various public financial reasons ESPN is already not long for this world, for example.
- saiya-jin 9y ago
  watching sports generally is boring, much better to spend that time actually doing some
- zerr 9y ago
  Do you mean Football or that sport where armoured people play with Rugby ball? Anyway, both are boring :)
  - fooker 9y ago
    Oooh, you mean hand-egg?
  - WalterBright 9y ago
    Pretty much all organized sports.
Schiphol 9y ago
I keep reading that people become aware of their own mortality in their 40s. Is this a common experience? I've been acutely aware, and terrified, of it since I can remember. If anything, I find that I have better emotional tools to manage this awareness now in my 40s than ever before.
- woliveirajr 9y ago
  In general you become aware of mortality when you see loved ones (not just family) loosing the health, some dying, and you realize that your age isn't that much different. Something that used to be "they are 3 times my age" suddenly becomes "just 15 years older"
- Cthulhu_ 9y ago
  Mortality not so much yet, I've not had anyone close to me die besides grandparents and pets; finances and retirement are however very much a thing now, like, I bought a house, have gotten some raises and such over the years and am living quite comfortably atm, and I'm now wondering how to best spend my money (I should probably pay off the house with any extras I have).
  - pdimitar 9y ago
    At 38 and just starting to try kick off a consulting career and/or acquire more specialized skills so I am in demand forever, my first priority will exactly be to pay off mortgage earlier -- I haven't even started (don't ask, I was very stupid with money and only started paying attention at 37). (I am a programmer btw.) Investing in not giving a shit one day even if you don't want to work for 2 years straight is in my eyes something I can't put a price tag on -- it's invaluable! That being said, nowadays I always have money on the side -- either to have work pauses (like right now exactly) or be able to go on impulsive vacations with my woman.
- alokitr 9y ago
  For me it was the acceptance that death is closer than I would like to think (i.e. It can happen easily and quickly without any kind of accident and the chances of it happening before I live as much as I've already lived are pretty high) that kicked in, not the realization it's inevitable.
deleted 9y ago
[deleted]
callesgg 9y ago
I feel she is not describing being 40 she is describing being human. It is very hard to filter out your experiences in regards to one aspect of yourself. An example of this that i have found in my life is people taking a group they think they are a part of, Then assuming that they understand how everyone in that group thinks. A common example of this being some men thinking they can talk for all men in general. Or some women talking like they understand how all other women think.
- AstralStorm 9y ago
  I think the last point pertains to all people, and it is just threat women are slightly more emotional and social that they use this kind of thinking. You have to remember and remind yourself that mirror neurons reflect others in terms of you and your experiences. This is valuable for quick thinking on the spot but should not be the only mode. Sometimes this can be useful, to notice things introspection had a blind spot for.
woliveirajr 9y ago
> (Irritatingly, men are “monsieur” forever.) Well, they might be called "monsieur" in a French Cafe, but it is in the relation with youger ones that the difference arrives, even for men. The tone used changes, so being a man and being called a "sir" with a different tone, followed by a different look , also makes you remind that you're over 40. Or when younger ones offer to help you (!) with a mobile (!!) or even how to open a door with one of those "security" mechanisms, like contact card or something like that (just because you tried to tap someplace and the sensor, actually, was 2 inches further to the left). Those small punches of realitty, remembering that some people see you as some "old man" can be disturbing.
- glandium 9y ago
  (I'm french) I actually don't think I've been called "monsieur" at cafes in my 20s. That came later.
- V-2 9y ago
  Much more so in a less egalitarian language such as Polish (or German, I imagine?), where the distinction between informal "you" and "sir" (or "pan") is a bigger deal than in English.
  - ThePadawan 9y ago
    100% agree (as a German). Being called the more formal "Sie" is sort-of standard when a stranger asks me for directions in the street - but being called Sie at work would be a huge turn-off. It immediately projects the statement "and please wear a tie during work hours".
- bambax 9y ago
  >> (Irritatingly, men are “monsieur” forever.) Yeah, this isn't true. Young men are called "jeune homme" in cafés and such. And then when you get older there comes a time when you're called "jeune homme" again, in a weird sarcastic-but-kind way. You will hear very old men be called "jeune homme" all the time, and then everyone laughs. Apparently it's a joke that never gets old. (Source: am French).
nicklaf 9y ago
Though I cannot speak from experience, I recall reading similar reflections by G.C. Rota in his marvelous Indiscrete Thoughts (p. 203): My late friend Stan Ulam used to remark that his life was sharply divided into two halves. In the first half, he was always the youngest person in the group; in the second half, he was always the oldest. There was no transitional period. I realize how right he was. The etiquette of old age does not seem to have been written up, and we have to learn it the hard way. It depends on a basic realization, which takes time to adjust to. You must realize that, after reaching a certain age, you are no longer viewed as a person. You become an institution, and you are treated in the way institutions are treated. You are expected to behave like a piece of period furniture, an architectural landmark, or an incunabulum. It matters little whether you keep publishing or not. If your papers are no good, they will say, "What did you expect? He is a fixture!" and if an occasional paper of yours is found to be interesting, they will say, "What did you expect? He has been working at this all his life!" The only sensible response is to enjoy playing your newly-found role as an institution.
- AstralStorm 9y ago
  It is only because we let others dehumanize is this way. In fact we do that all the time by setting up institutions with built in hidden ageism. Both ways. We set up stereotypes and expectations which while generally accurate (when tuned, and they take a long time to tune), are not accurate in particular. People mature at very different rates after all. The main sociobiological difference over time is conservatism and reflex, which are not set in stone either.
- rabbitonrails 9y ago
  then publish under a pseudonym?
jedberg 9y ago
> But the number 40 still has symbolic resonance. Jesus fasted for 40 days. Muhammad was 40 when the archangel Gabriel appeared to him. The Israelites wandered the desert for 40 years. Mr. Brandes writes that in some languages, 40 means “a lot.” The word that appears a lot in the hebrew texts that they translate to "40" didn't actually mean that in context. It should more be translated to "gazillions". It was a word that just meant "an unimaginably huge amount". That's why it shows up so much in biblical things.
- haasted 9y ago
  > Mr. Brandes writes that in some languages, 40 means “a lot.” Funnily enough, the author notes exactly that, without making the connection that it was probably also what was meant in the bible.
- Cthulhu_ 9y ago
  I recall hearing from a colleague who is a bit of a language buff that there's a language where there's only one number above five (or something like that), which translates to "a lot".
  - bikitan 9y ago
    This might be a reference to the mythology that has developed around cultures and languages that don't count above a certain low number, as in a counting system that goes 'one, two, many.' https://numberwarrior.wordpress.com/2010/07/30/is-one-two-many-a-myth/ https://numberwarrior.wordpress.com/2010/07/30/is-one-two-ma...
    - labster 9y ago
      https://www.xkcd.com/1070/ https://www.xkcd.com/1070/
  - brlewis 9y ago
    There's a fictional language where five and above all are the same word. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lapine_language#Linguistic_analyses https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lapine_language#Linguistic_ana...
z_free 9y ago
doesn't answer the question in the title (1 star)
- zakum1 9y ago
  We need to never stop learning and we need to keep deepening our human relationships. These both take on new dynamics in our 40s, especially as we realise we are an older person in most contexts and how quickly that reflects in how we are treated (the Paris café is a wonderful example of so much of this experience)
ghostcluster 9y ago
This seemed more, "I'm in my 40s and will write a few contemplative existential paragraphs about it" rather than any sort of how-to guide. I am reminded again that NYTimes editors are not above resorting to exploiting clickbait headlines.
- V-2 9y ago
  True, but at least the piece is quite insightful
  - ghostcluster 9y ago
    "Sure, they lied to me, but I enjoyed the content" is not what I want from The New York Times. It harms their reputation to engage in those kinds of manipulation tactics. I am becoming less and less likely to click through to any of their content since I don't like being lied to by anyone on the Internet, especially a news organization.
    - V-2 9y ago
      Eh, I know we're used to the "10 great ways to self-improve" genre these days, but I would still grant some artistic license to freeform essays and the like ;) "Shooting An Elephant" (by Orwell) is, too, very disappointing if approached as a how-to guide
- tonyedgecombe 9y ago
  There is plenty, possibly even too much self help material out there. I thought it was a well written piece worth reading.
  - ghostcluster 9y ago
    Advertised deceptively so as to engineer maximum clicks, something which I have no respect for, especially from an organization I used to hold in such high regard.
alokitr 9y ago
Not even there yet (the 40 years old limit), but close enough to agree with most points in the article. The one interesting change is that you lose "meaning" now (described as milestones in the article), which is... weird. I'm still unsure how to cope. Creating "meaning" for others (either your kids/relatives or just complete strangers) seems to be a valid way forward, but I am contemplating with the idea you don't really need "meaning" in life. Just living it might be enough. Not sure though.
DanielBMarkham 9y ago
This was nice. It wasn't a great piece, but it was well-done. Great voice and cogent flow. Far too often that's not the case any more, sadly. I liked it. I just turned 53, and the thesis the author finally makes resonates with me. In your 40s, you are "done". You aren't finished. It's not that you can't change your life and do wonderful things. It's that a great degree of mystery and worrying about your future has now concluded. When you're 20 and think about doing some incredible thing, it's almost like it's a different person, perhaps some super-cool version of yourself. When you're 50 and think about doing an incredible thing, it's you. You know who you are. It's much better at 50 than it was at 30, oddly enough. For me, my mid-20s through my late 30s was a bit of a struggle. There is one major downside to pushing past 40: prejudice and patronizing by young people. It's natural in your teens to turn to your peers for validation and for it to start being terribly important who the cool kids are. For a lot of people in their teens, twenties, and beyond, they look at older folks and the major feeling that comes across their face is "You're not really hitting on much, are you grandpa?" You can see it in their looks, you can hear it in their voice. It's not everybody, mind you, but it's enough to notice. My stepdad was a WWII vet, a cranky old guy. I loved him. But I realized after getting to know him for many years that he avoided younger people. It wasn't that he didn't like them. He liked sharing ideas and discussing things with everybody. He just had better things to do than put up with their patronizing prejudicial bullshit. When I finally figured it out, it didn't make sense to me. Now that I'm on "the other side", so to speak, I can see where he's coming from. I don't agree with his decision, but it's understandable. Still, overall, after 40 life sort of opens up again, like it did in your teenage years, only this time you don't have all the psychological baggage you had back in the day. I'm looking forward to seeing where all of this goes!
- ataturk 9y ago
  I don't know about the "life opens up again" part--it's sort of just a grind right now. The only way it opens up for me is when I find the half of the passive income I need to not work anymore. It's sort of a curse that I got halfway to my goal and now I can't seem to figure out the other half, lol. I'm not "done," I keep re-inventing myself. But each time it gets harder to pull off. The part about not knowing that other person? I got a doctorate in my 20s, I was going places. I don't even know that guy anymore. I sometimes wonder if that was all just a dream. But it wasn't--that smart, hard-working guy was me.
clumsysmurf 9y ago
> What we lack in processing power we make up for in maturity, insight and experience. > ... But what unsettles me most about the 40s is the implication that I’m now a grown-up myself. I fear I’ve been promoted beyond my competence. I struggled with this in my last software development position. Most of the developers I worked with were in their 20s. They just assumed because of my age, I was a 'senior' developer / all knowing and capable of coding circles around everyone. But I'm only an average developer, as I get older I learn & gain wisdom but don't feel automatically more productive writing lines of code. Maybe I make less mistakes so that translates to productivity. Yet, I struggle with the software written by younger and probably smarter people - less experienced - but who managed with great intellect to get garbage working our of sheer willpower + brute force.
- randomsearch 9y ago
  > but who managed with great intellect to get garbage working our of sheer willpower + brute force. If you're older and wiser, you can outperform less experienced people by careful consideration of what you should do and how best to do it. Brains over brawn.
  - WalterSear 9y ago
    There's an upper limit on that. Moreover, the assumption that the wisdom of age can outperform the speed of youth is simplistic and as much based on cultural tropes as empirically fact.
- nickthemagicman 9y ago
  You just described the software industry.
- bmarkovic 9y ago
  True valuable read is always in the comments.
toolslive 9y ago
hm, I'm not French (I'm from Belgium) but I was taught the Mademoiselle/Madame switch had nothing to do with age, but with marital status. Wikipedia seems to agree: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_honorifics https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_honorifics
- jlebrech 9y ago
  so it's a combination of looking old enough and good looking enough to be married. (having a ring on also would trigger this.)
- glandium 9y ago
  (I'm french) Strictly speaking, you're right. Mademoiselle is for unmarried women, and Madame for married women. It's like Miss vs. Mrs in English. But for some reason, there's this assumption that older women are married, and younger ones are not, or something along these lines,
  - emodendroket 8y ago
    I don't think the reason is that mysterious.
amriksohata 9y ago
Yamraj in the Mahabharata asked Yudhister at the river, what is the greatest truth in life? Yudhister replied, the greatest truth in this life is, despite one having to die, man lives like he is going to live forever. That should answer how to survive in your 40s.
- PaulRobinson 9y ago
  I can interpret that two ways. 1. I should act like I am going to live forever, take more risks and do not dwell on the inevitable shortness of my existence 2. I should not act like I am going to live forever, I should take more care of myself and value each day for the small precious gem that it is. Which one does the Mahabharata suggest is the better interpretation, or should I hold both in my mind at the same time?
  - mar77i 9y ago
    I think both is true. Taking care while being the wild thing you are, is basically what coming of age is about. The more you know the world beyond your comfort zone, the more unlikely places where they are you can find, too. With age you are also more able to let ambiguities be ambiguities, because you do no longer feel pressed in finding new insights all the time, except when you are.
  - Aaargh20318 9y ago
    You got those mixed up. If you're acting like you're going to live forever you take less risks (because you have forever to lose). If you're acting like you're not going to live forever, you can take more risks, you have little to lose.
  - amriksohata 9y ago
    Number 2, spot on the with precious gem as Hinduism also teaches this human life comes once after many many births in different bodies so we should use it to find our real purpose.
modernerd 9y ago
“You don’t quit skating cause you get old, you get old because you quit skating.” — Skateboarder Jay Adams, 1961-2014 I am nearing 40 and recently took up skateboarding. Naturally before I did so I searched for, “Am I too old to start skateboarding?”, fully expecting the result to be “yes!” and wondering whether or not I would let that stop me. I came across this profile of Neal Unger, a (now) 60+ year-old man who took up skateboarding in his late 50s: https://www.absolute-snow.co.uk/articles/youre-never-too-old-to-skate https://www.absolute-snow.co.uk/articles/youre-never-too-old... YouTube is full of videos of skaters in their 60s, 70s, and 80s, and it encouraged me to give it a shot. It's been interesting to experience the reaction from friends, family, and strangers when I told them I skate, or when I skate in groups of younger people (they are almost always younger, unless they're the folks running the skate shop/park). My conclusion is the same as Pamela Druckerman's in her piece here: grown-ups don't exist. Your body will age, you will be more conscious of your mortality, society will judge you or ignore you, and that transition can be really tough. But you can flip the “age out of wunderkind” feeling she mentions — you can use the “don't care what you think” attitude that often accompanies getting older to question the status quo and do the things you want to do anyway. As you age you can become remarkable not just for the things you have done but for the things you decide to continue doing — or the things you decide to start doing. Suppressing your ambition and confining yourself to a subset of the activities that were once available to you because you feel older or because “old people don't X” feels like a sad way to live.
- drblast 9y ago
  I'm almost 40 and I've been snowboarding and skateboarding off and on for most of my life. Recently it's been all snowboarding which I love and will never stop doing. A few years ago I started skateboarding again to keep in shape for snowboarding in the summer. I'm writing this from bed as I'm recovering from an ACL replacement due to a fall I took skateboarding at that time. I agree with the "do what you want to" sentiment but sports like skateboarding are a matter of when you'll get injured, not if. And those injuries have an impact on other things you might want to do. So be careful.
  - modernerd 9y ago
antibland 9y ago
The most significant change I've noticed in myself after 40 is a refreshing lack of reckless excitement and energy expenditure over shiny new ideas and projects. I do only what I believe I want to do, and nothing more. The result is that I do very few things, yet do them well.
lordelph 9y ago
I'm 47. I don't worry about age that much, but I recently had a fitness checkup at a gym. I'm no great athlete but I do run and cycle a bit. I mentioned I was training for a marathon. The instructor, in her 30s, encouragingly exclaimed "ooh, you're doing very well for someone nearly in their 50s" I'd never felt so old in my life :(
- TomMarius 9y ago
  Don't worry about that, they're just more used to see people that ruined their bodies.
- modbait 9y ago
  Just wait until people start opening doors for you next year.
  - hinkley 9y ago
    I’m the strongest I’ve been since 25 and every time I go to the pet store they ask if I need help getting the 40lb bag of cat litter to the car. ... When I’m feeling salty I will buy two bags or a 20lbs bag of food just so I can throw 60-80 lbs in my shoulder and strut out of the store.
antirez 9y ago
I'm 41 now, but around 36/37 something odd started happening. When I hit the gym teenagers in the locker room would say "good evening sir". As you can guess the percentage of "sir" raises every year :-D At first I tried to compensate deadlifting more than them but now I must feel happy if I can retain my previous year lifts.
gaius 9y ago
decide which female customers to downgrade The French would not consider it a downgrade but a term of deference and respect. They don’t think about age like Americans do. Look at Macron and his wife, he was 15 and she 39 when they met.
- TheBeardKing 9y ago
  I feel like I've been promoted when they stop asking for my ID to buy beer at the grocery store.
jlebrech 9y ago
[gender specific article]
PaulRobinson 9y ago
> I fear I’ve been promoted beyond my competence. The idea that the Peter Principle[1] happens as you simply grow older and society "promotes" you to a level beyond your competence is a novel one. The Peter Principle states a promotion to incompetence happens because you are good at your current role and so you're promoted to the new role, but what the author is hinting at is that for some societal functions _it just happens_. Is it real, or is it another example of imposter syndrome? My Father has asked me to do some paperwork around a living trust for when the inevitable happens to him and his wife. It has prompted some reflection: I'm unfortunately going to be one of those people who has to make the arrangements for dying parents soon. I find myself thinking about attics that will need clearing, paperwork that will need organising, distant family that must be contacted, and all at a time that I will want to curl up in a ball. I question if I can do that competently. I am confident I can be "the guy" others look to in a work-based crisis - a P1 costing us thousands in lost revenue a minute? I can handle that. But the societal living things that "adults" do that young adults never have to do is a little more onerous. Can I go back to being a regularly drunk 25 year old please? Take this home contents insurance paperwork and blood pressure medication away, give me some Jaeger-bombs and no memory of getting home, thanks. Good luck to us all... [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_principle https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_principle
- baxtr 9y ago
  Growing old is painful, I agree. Some things get better though. I feel my wiser than younger colleagues and enjoy that people come asking me for advice so I can give back. BTW: having Jäger-bombs from time to time (rarely!) is a very good way to keeping you young! ;)
  - richev 9y ago
    My growing old was getting painful, until I went to the doctor and learned I had a vitamin B12 deficiency... :-/ Three months of monthly B12 injections later and I feel five years younger! Summary: get checked-up every now & then, or if you experience any sudden change in your health.
  - groby_b 9y ago
deleted 9y ago
[deleted]
draven 9y ago
French here, I remember there's been a push against the use of "Mademoiselle" as a title by feminist groups, and it's not really used anymore for official administrative documents. See here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mademoiselle_(title) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mademoiselle_(title) I also remember when young people began to address me as "Monsieur" when asking for time/directions/whatever, I instantly felt old so it's kind of the same when you're male.
jernfrost 9y ago
I turned 40 this year. It is definitely a time you start thinking about your past and the future ahead of you. I think about health problems you can develop, like bad back, bad knees, obesity etc. My dad was very slim and fit in his 30s, but I remember how fat he got in his 40s and how he later developed diabetes because of it. I also really miss the excitement and novelty I felt about things when I was younger. I look at my kids, how the smallest things are so fun and exciting for them. Now so much just feel like so much like "been there, done that". If If watch a movie, it all feels so predictable. If I travel, there doesn't seem like anything ever seems fresh or new anymore. Perhaps because the world has become more similar. You can buy the same stuff anywhere in the world and the same chain stores are all over the world. It also feels like I haven't quite followed up with expectations. When I visit the homes of parents of my kids playmates, their houses look so proper and serious. I feel I can't have people on visit because I still got half assembled 3D printers and robots in the living room. I feel like somebody who doesn't really want to grow up, but everybody is pushing me in that direction, even myself in the sense that I can't feel the same geek appreciating for technology. Technology feels less and less exciting and more like tools with a purpose. They have no intrinsic value as novelties or coolness. Strangely I seem to care way more about people than technology. Do other ex-geeks/present geeks feel this way? Like tech stuff just isn't as interesting anymore. You get more interested in people? I think it is more fun to teach technology or write about it now, than actually doing it.
- slfnflctd 9y ago
  I am close to 40, and hang out with lots of people older than myself. Health concerns are greater, most of us have at least one new-ish permanent/cyclical ailment. The only way I feel like I can recapture youthful novelty is some kind of drug (beer, legal cannabis, psychiatric meds, etc), or certain kinds of physical/mental exertion. Agree hugely that technology is less exciting and more simply tools, each with lots of complex tradeoffs. An interesting project is only about the tools until you can (as quickly as possible) stop thinking about them to focus only on the project. Projects are life. People are the best projects, because they become 'new project spawn points' (and also for other reasons, heh). When you meet someone who is willing to continually work with you in exploring balanced mutual space to amuse and learn from/with each other, it's golden. Then you can take those skills back to refresh older relationships. We help each other grow, improve, recover and/or adapt, and when the shit hits the fan, nothing else matters more. Everything we love most in life requires other people in some way, they are the source of our core energy, our best protection and more.
RussianBot 9y ago
The author is married. Available images of her from cursory googling show a prominent wedding ring. Hence "madame". Edit: we went to the same high school. I wonder if she had madame softley for French...
petraeus 9y ago
Just another woman focused on how she looks.
- dang 9y ago
  We ban accounts that post flamebait here, and have warned you about this before. Please post civilly and substantively, or not at all. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
bobthechef 9y ago
That reference to Kant was...how do I put this charitably...forced.
hdizzle123 9y ago
Reaching 40s has been brutal for me. I dont have the illusion of starting off on a shiny new project because I am perhaps too jaded with all such projects that either never got off ground or failed miserably in the past. But its also the question of what sort of legacy will I leave for my children as I understand more of myself and hte person I have become. The mortality question often comes up, but more in regard to how my family will end up without me (in terms of finances and such). While life has worked out good so far, I have never been so acutely aware of my weaknesses as I am now and that hurts.
punnerud 9y ago
The sudden switch could be something else. I know waiters that remember wich “category” you are in based on your last tip several weeks ago. They have a strong incentive to remember because of the extra money. I can relate from my part time job at a food store. After one year you start to remember what every single customer is buying, and what’s differ this week. Not everyone is probably this way, but you only need that one waiter to influence the rest.
BrandoElFollito 9y ago
I am 47 and never learned in my life as much as I do it today (and have great fun with this), despite getting a PhD in physics at 27 and traveling the world 10 years ago. I also lost 15 kg last year without real efforts and am biking again to work for now 4 years. I am happy to be experienced and pass this wisdom to my children. I am also happy to cheer up when they succeed (or yell at them when they behave like idiots). It is just that I feel that I am the essence of pure brilliantism (if there is such a word, derived from brilliant), with a lot of humility on top :) I have never been so good that in my late 40', even if there are pills to swallow and my elbow hurts.

316 points by dsr12 9y ago

"haha, women problems", right? I'm a man who is now 32 years old. I honestly feel the same in quite a few regards. Certainly I don't feel grownup, or old. When people call me the local equivalent of "mister" I'm surprised. But in the end all of this doesn't really matter. One needs to make the most out of every day no matter how old one is.

alokitr 9y ago
It's not the same. Been at your place, it's just funny (and illustrating) at 32. I guess you will see for yourself ?

WalterBright 9y ago

I'm well past 40. And it comes with certain advantages. I no longer worry about what other people think about things I like. I like disco music, a lot. I also like easy listening music from the 1960's, a lot. Football is incredibly boring. So there :-)

tluyben2 9y ago
I like metal and football is incredibly boring. Also; life was never easier than it has been over 40.
- ninjamayo 9y ago
  I am in my 40s, love metal and football is also boring. Is there a pattern here considering the audience of HN?
  - emodendroket 9y ago
    I hate metal and like watching football. But I'm on the cusp of turning thirty. Perhaps you need to do a larger survey where you also collect ages.
    - Baeocystin 9y ago
      Hmm. 44, love metal, enjoy football. Still kind of pissed the Chargers left San Diego, even though I live in the bay area now. (Also, even though I've been here for a long time, freeways are called the. As in I take the 101 north to San Jose. But that is a wholly separate argument. :D)
      - mar77i 9y ago
        I'm 33, love metal and what is that football thing you're talking about? Oh, we have something similar here in Europe, but I don't follow that either. Do I have to grow 40 to realize that life is unfair and finite, happiness is a choice and that I may, in fact, have my own opinion?
        DataWorker 9y ago
        Are you the person you were at 22?
        hdkmraf 9y ago
        Full metal-head in his 30s here, gotta admit I am a much different person and much happier now than when I was 22, sometimes I would like to go back in time and punch my younger self. The body is failing already, but the spirit is getting stronger.
        emodendroket 9y ago
        I'm also happier at this stage of my life (turning 30 this year) than in the past, but I have to wonder how much is my personality and how much is circumstance. I'm married, we have our own place to live, I have a relatively successful career, I have friends, and I can pursue my hobbies more or less freely. Those things weren't all true for me at 22.
  - screye 9y ago
    I have seen a trend in people in CS/math who love prog and related types of metal. More so than other disciplines. Another lover of metal, who only follows European football. Still in my 20s though.
    - ninjamayo 9y ago
      Prog metal and death metal are my favourites. It is true, growing up in the 80s it would be inevitable but a lot of my school friends were listening to pop music. I think there is definitely a pattern with CS and metal. Not sure why.
    - bmarkovic 9y ago
      Yes they do (at least in my environment) and it's extremely annoying :P Me being more of a Floyd/soul/electronica aficionado.
  - StevePerkins 9y ago
    > I am in my 40s, love metal and football is also boring. Is there a pattern here considering the audience of HN? Some of these replies are overthinking it a bit. If you're in your 40's then you were a child of the 1980's. A time period where metal (in its various flavors) was the dominant form of young white music for those escaping country or Top-40. It was also the period of time in which the Super Bowl emerged as a true cultural phenomenon in the U.S., and the NFL began surpassing baseball in television ratings.
    - VLM 9y ago
      Check the advertising stats, NFL and pro sports in general is very boomer, and ageism in SV and tech in general means relatively little overlap can be expected between NFL fans and trendy programmers. Only 9% of the NFL audience is under 18, and the average is in the 50s. Its going to be interesting both financially and culturally. For several decades football viewership average age has gone up about 6 months per 12 calendar months. NASCAR has it worse, they essentially have no youth viewers and no new viewers and their average age goes up almost exactly one year per calendar year. A lot of money and real estate is going to change hands when pro sportsball viewers literally die off. For various public financial reasons ESPN is already not long for this world, for example.
saiya-jin 9y ago
watching sports generally is boring, much better to spend that time actually doing some
zerr 9y ago
Do you mean Football or that sport where armoured people play with Rugby ball? Anyway, both are boring :)
- fooker 9y ago
  Oooh, you mean hand-egg?
- WalterBright 9y ago
  Pretty much all organized sports.

Schiphol 9y ago

I keep reading that people become aware of their own mortality in their 40s. Is this a common experience? I've been acutely aware, and terrified, of it since I can remember. If anything, I find that I have better emotional tools to manage this awareness now in my 40s than ever before.

woliveirajr 9y ago
In general you become aware of mortality when you see loved ones (not just family) loosing the health, some dying, and you realize that your age isn't that much different. Something that used to be "they are 3 times my age" suddenly becomes "just 15 years older"
Cthulhu_ 9y ago
Mortality not so much yet, I've not had anyone close to me die besides grandparents and pets; finances and retirement are however very much a thing now, like, I bought a house, have gotten some raises and such over the years and am living quite comfortably atm, and I'm now wondering how to best spend my money (I should probably pay off the house with any extras I have).
- pdimitar 9y ago
  At 38 and just starting to try kick off a consulting career and/or acquire more specialized skills so I am in demand forever, my first priority will exactly be to pay off mortgage earlier -- I haven't even started (don't ask, I was very stupid with money and only started paying attention at 37). (I am a programmer btw.) Investing in not giving a shit one day even if you don't want to work for 2 years straight is in my eyes something I can't put a price tag on -- it's invaluable! That being said, nowadays I always have money on the side -- either to have work pauses (like right now exactly) or be able to go on impulsive vacations with my woman.
alokitr 9y ago
For me it was the acceptance that death is closer than I would like to think (i.e. It can happen easily and quickly without any kind of accident and the chances of it happening before I live as much as I've already lived are pretty high) that kicked in, not the realization it's inevitable.

deleted 9y ago

[deleted]

callesgg 9y ago

I feel she is not describing being 40 she is describing being human. It is very hard to filter out your experiences in regards to one aspect of yourself. An example of this that i have found in my life is people taking a group they think they are a part of, Then assuming that they understand how everyone in that group thinks. A common example of this being some men thinking they can talk for all men in general. Or some women talking like they understand how all other women think.

AstralStorm 9y ago
I think the last point pertains to all people, and it is just threat women are slightly more emotional and social that they use this kind of thinking. You have to remember and remind yourself that mirror neurons reflect others in terms of you and your experiences. This is valuable for quick thinking on the spot but should not be the only mode. Sometimes this can be useful, to notice things introspection had a blind spot for.

woliveirajr 9y ago

> (Irritatingly, men are “monsieur” forever.) Well, they might be called "monsieur" in a French Cafe, but it is in the relation with youger ones that the difference arrives, even for men. The tone used changes, so being a man and being called a "sir" with a different tone, followed by a different look , also makes you remind that you're over 40. Or when younger ones offer to help you (!) with a mobile (!!) or even how to open a door with one of those "security" mechanisms, like contact card or something like that (just because you tried to tap someplace and the sensor, actually, was 2 inches further to the left). Those small punches of realitty, remembering that some people see you as some "old man" can be disturbing.

glandium 9y ago
(I'm french) I actually don't think I've been called "monsieur" at cafes in my 20s. That came later.
V-2 9y ago
Much more so in a less egalitarian language such as Polish (or German, I imagine?), where the distinction between informal "you" and "sir" (or "pan") is a bigger deal than in English.
- ThePadawan 9y ago
  100% agree (as a German). Being called the more formal "Sie" is sort-of standard when a stranger asks me for directions in the street - but being called Sie at work would be a huge turn-off. It immediately projects the statement "and please wear a tie during work hours".
bambax 9y ago
>> (Irritatingly, men are “monsieur” forever.) Yeah, this isn't true. Young men are called "jeune homme" in cafés and such. And then when you get older there comes a time when you're called "jeune homme" again, in a weird sarcastic-but-kind way. You will hear very old men be called "jeune homme" all the time, and then everyone laughs. Apparently it's a joke that never gets old. (Source: am French).

nicklaf 9y ago

Though I cannot speak from experience, I recall reading similar reflections by G.C. Rota in his marvelous Indiscrete Thoughts (p. 203): My late friend Stan Ulam used to remark that his life was sharply divided into two halves. In the first half, he was always the youngest person in the group; in the second half, he was always the oldest. There was no transitional period. I realize how right he was. The etiquette of old age does not seem to have been written up, and we have to learn it the hard way. It depends on a basic realization, which takes time to adjust to. You must realize that, after reaching a certain age, you are no longer viewed as a person. You become an institution, and you are treated in the way institutions are treated. You are expected to behave like a piece of period furniture, an architectural landmark, or an incunabulum. It matters little whether you keep publishing or not. If your papers are no good, they will say, "What did you expect? He is a fixture!" and if an occasional paper of yours is found to be interesting, they will say, "What did you expect? He has been working at this all his life!" The only sensible response is to enjoy playing your newly-found role as an institution.

AstralStorm 9y ago
It is only because we let others dehumanize is this way. In fact we do that all the time by setting up institutions with built in hidden ageism. Both ways. We set up stereotypes and expectations which while generally accurate (when tuned, and they take a long time to tune), are not accurate in particular. People mature at very different rates after all. The main sociobiological difference over time is conservatism and reflex, which are not set in stone either.
rabbitonrails 9y ago
then publish under a pseudonym?

jedberg 9y ago

> But the number 40 still has symbolic resonance. Jesus fasted for 40 days. Muhammad was 40 when the archangel Gabriel appeared to him. The Israelites wandered the desert for 40 years. Mr. Brandes writes that in some languages, 40 means “a lot.” The word that appears a lot in the hebrew texts that they translate to "40" didn't actually mean that in context. It should more be translated to "gazillions". It was a word that just meant "an unimaginably huge amount". That's why it shows up so much in biblical things.

haasted 9y ago
> Mr. Brandes writes that in some languages, 40 means “a lot.” Funnily enough, the author notes exactly that, without making the connection that it was probably also what was meant in the bible.
Cthulhu_ 9y ago
I recall hearing from a colleague who is a bit of a language buff that there's a language where there's only one number above five (or something like that), which translates to "a lot".
- bikitan 9y ago
  This might be a reference to the mythology that has developed around cultures and languages that don't count above a certain low number, as in a counting system that goes 'one, two, many.' https://numberwarrior.wordpress.com/2010/07/30/is-one-two-many-a-myth/ https://numberwarrior.wordpress.com/2010/07/30/is-one-two-ma...
  - labster 9y ago
    https://www.xkcd.com/1070/ https://www.xkcd.com/1070/
- brlewis 9y ago
  There's a fictional language where five and above all are the same word. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lapine_language#Linguistic_analyses https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lapine_language#Linguistic_ana...

z_free 9y ago

doesn't answer the question in the title (1 star)

zakum1 9y ago
We need to never stop learning and we need to keep deepening our human relationships. These both take on new dynamics in our 40s, especially as we realise we are an older person in most contexts and how quickly that reflects in how we are treated (the Paris café is a wonderful example of so much of this experience)

ghostcluster 9y ago

This seemed more, "I'm in my 40s and will write a few contemplative existential paragraphs about it" rather than any sort of how-to guide. I am reminded again that NYTimes editors are not above resorting to exploiting clickbait headlines.

V-2 9y ago
True, but at least the piece is quite insightful
- ghostcluster 9y ago
  "Sure, they lied to me, but I enjoyed the content" is not what I want from The New York Times. It harms their reputation to engage in those kinds of manipulation tactics. I am becoming less and less likely to click through to any of their content since I don't like being lied to by anyone on the Internet, especially a news organization.
  - V-2 9y ago
    Eh, I know we're used to the "10 great ways to self-improve" genre these days, but I would still grant some artistic license to freeform essays and the like ;) "Shooting An Elephant" (by Orwell) is, too, very disappointing if approached as a how-to guide
tonyedgecombe 9y ago
There is plenty, possibly even too much self help material out there. I thought it was a well written piece worth reading.
- ghostcluster 9y ago
  Advertised deceptively so as to engineer maximum clicks, something which I have no respect for, especially from an organization I used to hold in such high regard.

alokitr 9y ago

Not even there yet (the 40 years old limit), but close enough to agree with most points in the article. The one interesting change is that you lose "meaning" now (described as milestones in the article), which is... weird. I'm still unsure how to cope. Creating "meaning" for others (either your kids/relatives or just complete strangers) seems to be a valid way forward, but I am contemplating with the idea you don't really need "meaning" in life. Just living it might be enough. Not sure though.

DanielBMarkham 9y ago

This was nice. It wasn't a great piece, but it was well-done. Great voice and cogent flow. Far too often that's not the case any more, sadly. I liked it. I just turned 53, and the thesis the author finally makes resonates with me. In your 40s, you are "done". You aren't finished. It's not that you can't change your life and do wonderful things. It's that a great degree of mystery and worrying about your future has now concluded. When you're 20 and think about doing some incredible thing, it's almost like it's a different person, perhaps some super-cool version of yourself. When you're 50 and think about doing an incredible thing, it's you. You know who you are. It's much better at 50 than it was at 30, oddly enough. For me, my mid-20s through my late 30s was a bit of a struggle. There is one major downside to pushing past 40: prejudice and patronizing by young people. It's natural in your teens to turn to your peers for validation and for it to start being terribly important who the cool kids are. For a lot of people in their teens, twenties, and beyond, they look at older folks and the major feeling that comes across their face is "You're not really hitting on much, are you grandpa?" You can see it in their looks, you can hear it in their voice. It's not everybody, mind you, but it's enough to notice. My stepdad was a WWII vet, a cranky old guy. I loved him. But I realized after getting to know him for many years that he avoided younger people. It wasn't that he didn't like them. He liked sharing ideas and discussing things with everybody. He just had better things to do than put up with their patronizing prejudicial bullshit. When I finally figured it out, it didn't make sense to me. Now that I'm on "the other side", so to speak, I can see where he's coming from. I don't agree with his decision, but it's understandable. Still, overall, after 40 life sort of opens up again, like it did in your teenage years, only this time you don't have all the psychological baggage you had back in the day. I'm looking forward to seeing where all of this goes!

ataturk 9y ago
I don't know about the "life opens up again" part--it's sort of just a grind right now. The only way it opens up for me is when I find the half of the passive income I need to not work anymore. It's sort of a curse that I got halfway to my goal and now I can't seem to figure out the other half, lol. I'm not "done," I keep re-inventing myself. But each time it gets harder to pull off. The part about not knowing that other person? I got a doctorate in my 20s, I was going places. I don't even know that guy anymore. I sometimes wonder if that was all just a dream. But it wasn't--that smart, hard-working guy was me.

clumsysmurf 9y ago

> What we lack in processing power we make up for in maturity, insight and experience. > ... But what unsettles me most about the 40s is the implication that I’m now a grown-up myself. I fear I’ve been promoted beyond my competence. I struggled with this in my last software development position. Most of the developers I worked with were in their 20s. They just assumed because of my age, I was a 'senior' developer / all knowing and capable of coding circles around everyone. But I'm only an average developer, as I get older I learn & gain wisdom but don't feel automatically more productive writing lines of code. Maybe I make less mistakes so that translates to productivity. Yet, I struggle with the software written by younger and probably smarter people - less experienced - but who managed with great intellect to get garbage working our of sheer willpower + brute force.

randomsearch 9y ago
> but who managed with great intellect to get garbage working our of sheer willpower + brute force. If you're older and wiser, you can outperform less experienced people by careful consideration of what you should do and how best to do it. Brains over brawn.
- WalterSear 9y ago
  There's an upper limit on that. Moreover, the assumption that the wisdom of age can outperform the speed of youth is simplistic and as much based on cultural tropes as empirically fact.
nickthemagicman 9y ago
You just described the software industry.
bmarkovic 9y ago
True valuable read is always in the comments.

toolslive 9y ago

hm, I'm not French (I'm from Belgium) but I was taught the Mademoiselle/Madame switch had nothing to do with age, but with marital status. Wikipedia seems to agree: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_honorifics https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_honorifics

jlebrech 9y ago
so it's a combination of looking old enough and good looking enough to be married. (having a ring on also would trigger this.)
glandium 9y ago
(I'm french) Strictly speaking, you're right. Mademoiselle is for unmarried women, and Madame for married women. It's like Miss vs. Mrs in English. But for some reason, there's this assumption that older women are married, and younger ones are not, or something along these lines,
- emodendroket 8y ago
  I don't think the reason is that mysterious.

amriksohata 9y ago

Yamraj in the Mahabharata asked Yudhister at the river, what is the greatest truth in life? Yudhister replied, the greatest truth in this life is, despite one having to die, man lives like he is going to live forever. That should answer how to survive in your 40s.

PaulRobinson 9y ago
I can interpret that two ways. 1. I should act like I am going to live forever, take more risks and do not dwell on the inevitable shortness of my existence 2. I should not act like I am going to live forever, I should take more care of myself and value each day for the small precious gem that it is. Which one does the Mahabharata suggest is the better interpretation, or should I hold both in my mind at the same time?
- mar77i 9y ago
  I think both is true. Taking care while being the wild thing you are, is basically what coming of age is about. The more you know the world beyond your comfort zone, the more unlikely places where they are you can find, too. With age you are also more able to let ambiguities be ambiguities, because you do no longer feel pressed in finding new insights all the time, except when you are.
- Aaargh20318 9y ago
  You got those mixed up. If you're acting like you're going to live forever you take less risks (because you have forever to lose). If you're acting like you're not going to live forever, you can take more risks, you have little to lose.
- amriksohata 9y ago
  Number 2, spot on the with precious gem as Hinduism also teaches this human life comes once after many many births in different bodies so we should use it to find our real purpose.

modernerd 9y ago

“You don’t quit skating cause you get old, you get old because you quit skating.” — Skateboarder Jay Adams, 1961-2014 I am nearing 40 and recently took up skateboarding. Naturally before I did so I searched for, “Am I too old to start skateboarding?”, fully expecting the result to be “yes!” and wondering whether or not I would let that stop me. I came across this profile of Neal Unger, a (now) 60+ year-old man who took up skateboarding in his late 50s: https://www.absolute-snow.co.uk/articles/youre-never-too-old-to-skate https://www.absolute-snow.co.uk/articles/youre-never-too-old... YouTube is full of videos of skaters in their 60s, 70s, and 80s, and it encouraged me to give it a shot. It's been interesting to experience the reaction from friends, family, and strangers when I told them I skate, or when I skate in groups of younger people (they are almost always younger, unless they're the folks running the skate shop/park). My conclusion is the same as Pamela Druckerman's in her piece here: grown-ups don't exist. Your body will age, you will be more conscious of your mortality, society will judge you or ignore you, and that transition can be really tough. But you can flip the “age out of wunderkind” feeling she mentions — you can use the “don't care what you think” attitude that often accompanies getting older to question the status quo and do the things you want to do anyway. As you age you can become remarkable not just for the things you have done but for the things you decide to continue doing — or the things you decide to start doing. Suppressing your ambition and confining yourself to a subset of the activities that were once available to you because you feel older or because “old people don't X” feels like a sad way to live.

drblast 9y ago
I'm almost 40 and I've been snowboarding and skateboarding off and on for most of my life. Recently it's been all snowboarding which I love and will never stop doing. A few years ago I started skateboarding again to keep in shape for snowboarding in the summer. I'm writing this from bed as I'm recovering from an ACL replacement due to a fall I took skateboarding at that time. I agree with the "do what you want to" sentiment but sports like skateboarding are a matter of when you'll get injured, not if. And those injuries have an impact on other things you might want to do. So be careful.
- modernerd 9y ago

antibland 9y ago

The most significant change I've noticed in myself after 40 is a refreshing lack of reckless excitement and energy expenditure over shiny new ideas and projects. I do only what I believe I want to do, and nothing more. The result is that I do very few things, yet do them well.

lordelph 9y ago

I'm 47. I don't worry about age that much, but I recently had a fitness checkup at a gym. I'm no great athlete but I do run and cycle a bit. I mentioned I was training for a marathon. The instructor, in her 30s, encouragingly exclaimed "ooh, you're doing very well for someone nearly in their 50s" I'd never felt so old in my life :(

TomMarius 9y ago
Don't worry about that, they're just more used to see people that ruined their bodies.
modbait 9y ago
Just wait until people start opening doors for you next year.
- hinkley 9y ago
  I’m the strongest I’ve been since 25 and every time I go to the pet store they ask if I need help getting the 40lb bag of cat litter to the car. ... When I’m feeling salty I will buy two bags or a 20lbs bag of food just so I can throw 60-80 lbs in my shoulder and strut out of the store.

antirez 9y ago

I'm 41 now, but around 36/37 something odd started happening. When I hit the gym teenagers in the locker room would say "good evening sir". As you can guess the percentage of "sir" raises every year :-D At first I tried to compensate deadlifting more than them but now I must feel happy if I can retain my previous year lifts.

gaius 9y ago

decide which female customers to downgrade The French would not consider it a downgrade but a term of deference and respect. They don’t think about age like Americans do. Look at Macron and his wife, he was 15 and she 39 when they met.

TheBeardKing 9y ago
I feel like I've been promoted when they stop asking for my ID to buy beer at the grocery store.

jlebrech 9y ago

[gender specific article]

PaulRobinson 9y ago

> I fear I’ve been promoted beyond my competence. The idea that the Peter Principle[1] happens as you simply grow older and society "promotes" you to a level beyond your competence is a novel one. The Peter Principle states a promotion to incompetence happens because you are good at your current role and so you're promoted to the new role, but what the author is hinting at is that for some societal functions _it just happens_. Is it real, or is it another example of imposter syndrome? My Father has asked me to do some paperwork around a living trust for when the inevitable happens to him and his wife. It has prompted some reflection: I'm unfortunately going to be one of those people who has to make the arrangements for dying parents soon. I find myself thinking about attics that will need clearing, paperwork that will need organising, distant family that must be contacted, and all at a time that I will want to curl up in a ball. I question if I can do that competently. I am confident I can be "the guy" others look to in a work-based crisis - a P1 costing us thousands in lost revenue a minute? I can handle that. But the societal living things that "adults" do that young adults never have to do is a little more onerous. Can I go back to being a regularly drunk 25 year old please? Take this home contents insurance paperwork and blood pressure medication away, give me some Jaeger-bombs and no memory of getting home, thanks. Good luck to us all... [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_principle https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_principle

baxtr 9y ago
Growing old is painful, I agree. Some things get better though. I feel my wiser than younger colleagues and enjoy that people come asking me for advice so I can give back. BTW: having Jäger-bombs from time to time (rarely!) is a very good way to keeping you young! ;)
- richev 9y ago
  My growing old was getting painful, until I went to the doctor and learned I had a vitamin B12 deficiency... :-/ Three months of monthly B12 injections later and I feel five years younger! Summary: get checked-up every now & then, or if you experience any sudden change in your health.
- groby_b 9y ago

deleted 9y ago

[deleted]

draven 9y ago

French here, I remember there's been a push against the use of "Mademoiselle" as a title by feminist groups, and it's not really used anymore for official administrative documents. See here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mademoiselle_(title) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mademoiselle_(title) I also remember when young people began to address me as "Monsieur" when asking for time/directions/whatever, I instantly felt old so it's kind of the same when you're male.

jernfrost 9y ago

I turned 40 this year. It is definitely a time you start thinking about your past and the future ahead of you. I think about health problems you can develop, like bad back, bad knees, obesity etc. My dad was very slim and fit in his 30s, but I remember how fat he got in his 40s and how he later developed diabetes because of it. I also really miss the excitement and novelty I felt about things when I was younger. I look at my kids, how the smallest things are so fun and exciting for them. Now so much just feel like so much like "been there, done that". If If watch a movie, it all feels so predictable. If I travel, there doesn't seem like anything ever seems fresh or new anymore. Perhaps because the world has become more similar. You can buy the same stuff anywhere in the world and the same chain stores are all over the world. It also feels like I haven't quite followed up with expectations. When I visit the homes of parents of my kids playmates, their houses look so proper and serious. I feel I can't have people on visit because I still got half assembled 3D printers and robots in the living room. I feel like somebody who doesn't really want to grow up, but everybody is pushing me in that direction, even myself in the sense that I can't feel the same geek appreciating for technology. Technology feels less and less exciting and more like tools with a purpose. They have no intrinsic value as novelties or coolness. Strangely I seem to care way more about people than technology. Do other ex-geeks/present geeks feel this way? Like tech stuff just isn't as interesting anymore. You get more interested in people? I think it is more fun to teach technology or write about it now, than actually doing it.

slfnflctd 9y ago
I am close to 40, and hang out with lots of people older than myself. Health concerns are greater, most of us have at least one new-ish permanent/cyclical ailment. The only way I feel like I can recapture youthful novelty is some kind of drug (beer, legal cannabis, psychiatric meds, etc), or certain kinds of physical/mental exertion. Agree hugely that technology is less exciting and more simply tools, each with lots of complex tradeoffs. An interesting project is only about the tools until you can (as quickly as possible) stop thinking about them to focus only on the project. Projects are life. People are the best projects, because they become 'new project spawn points' (and also for other reasons, heh). When you meet someone who is willing to continually work with you in exploring balanced mutual space to amuse and learn from/with each other, it's golden. Then you can take those skills back to refresh older relationships. We help each other grow, improve, recover and/or adapt, and when the shit hits the fan, nothing else matters more. Everything we love most in life requires other people in some way, they are the source of our core energy, our best protection and more.

RussianBot 9y ago

The author is married. Available images of her from cursory googling show a prominent wedding ring. Hence "madame". Edit: we went to the same high school. I wonder if she had madame softley for French...

petraeus 9y ago

Just another woman focused on how she looks.

dang 9y ago
We ban accounts that post flamebait here, and have warned you about this before. Please post civilly and substantively, or not at all. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

bobthechef 9y ago

That reference to Kant was...how do I put this charitably...forced.

hdizzle123 9y ago

Reaching 40s has been brutal for me. I dont have the illusion of starting off on a shiny new project because I am perhaps too jaded with all such projects that either never got off ground or failed miserably in the past. But its also the question of what sort of legacy will I leave for my children as I understand more of myself and hte person I have become. The mortality question often comes up, but more in regard to how my family will end up without me (in terms of finances and such). While life has worked out good so far, I have never been so acutely aware of my weaknesses as I am now and that hurts.

punnerud 9y ago

The sudden switch could be something else. I know waiters that remember wich “category” you are in based on your last tip several weeks ago. They have a strong incentive to remember because of the extra money. I can relate from my part time job at a food store. After one year you start to remember what every single customer is buying, and what’s differ this week. Not everyone is probably this way, but you only need that one waiter to influence the rest.

BrandoElFollito 9y ago

I am 47 and never learned in my life as much as I do it today (and have great fun with this), despite getting a PhD in physics at 27 and traveling the world 10 years ago. I also lost 15 kg last year without real efforts and am biking again to work for now 4 years. I am happy to be experienced and pass this wisdom to my children. I am also happy to cheer up when they succeed (or yell at them when they behave like idiots). It is just that I feel that I am the essence of pure brilliantism (if there is such a word, derived from brilliant), with a lot of humility on top :) I have never been so good that in my late 40', even if there are pills to swallow and my elbow hurts.