6 ms·

I lost my wife suddenly in 2009, she was 34. Losing your significant other is something that you never get over - you live with the emptiness and the hurt, and

by mrbill 9y ago

I lost my wife suddenly in 2009, she was 34. Losing your significant other is something that you never get over - you live with the emptiness and the hurt, and you learn to move on and hope that the "fog" eventually lifts. It's something that only someone else who has been through the same experience will understand. I was lucky to meet a friend who had lost her husband a couple years before, and she helped me through the hardest times. Matt, if you ever read these comments, all my thoughts and condolences for you. I know "thoughts and prayers" does nothing, but a lot more people care than you realize. Hang in there.

northwest65 9y ago
>I’m unmanned and unmoored without her I found that quite cutting. I'm not sure I could go on if my wife died prematurely. My mind has turned to this on occassions when people close to me have suffered severe illness or died, and I just can't see in my minds eye how I could cope.
- Myrmornis 9y ago
  May I ask absolutely sincerely: how differently do you feel about the scenario of your wife suddenly leaving you?
  - didgeoridoo 9y ago
    Dude.
    - Myrmornis 9y ago
      This thread is about loss. What I referred to can be an extremely acute form of loss. There may be people in this thread struggling to deal with the form of loss I referred to.
      - lopmotr 9y ago
        I agree it's important. Divorcees don't get smothered with caring like widow(er)s do despite how devastating it can be. Perhaps worse because not only have you lost them but they're also telling you you're not wanted.
  - cabaalis 9y ago
    No need for a hypothetical scenario in my case. It sucks, greatly, but I imagine pales in comparison to having a loving wife suddenly die.
  - mrbill 9y ago
    When you have a divorce, separation, etc - the person is still there, still alive, around, may or may not communicate with you, etc. You can know that they're OK, even if they had to find happiness with someone else or whatever happened. I was working late to make up some time and had headphones on. Wife told me "I'm gonna go soak in the tub and go to bed, see you in a bit." A couple hours later I finished what I was doing and headed towards the bedroom. I noticed the bathroom light was still on, and found her. Apparent heart attack and she drowned in the bathtub, and she'd been gone a while by the time I found her. Sudden wrenching loss. No opportunity to make up for fights. No goodbye. Just.. gone. Anyway. This isn't about me. This is about the community helping Matt, in whatever way we can.
- toomanybeersies 9y ago
  You wouldn't be the first if you couldn't go on. A close family friend took his own life shortly after his wife died of cancer. After over 25 years of living together, I guess it was just too much for him to continue without her. I was too young at the time to understand and to be honest I'm still too young to understand.
  - snuxoll 9y ago
    Broken heart syndrome is real, elderly couples have been know to pass within fairly short time frames of each other even if all medical indications show they very well could have survived longer. Losing the one person you have shared so much of your life with, likely raised children together with and confided in is something I cannot even comprehend. I’m going to put down HN now and play Minecraft with my wife or something, because now I feel like I’m squandering my time with her.
    - andrewbinstock 9y ago
      I have long felt that death certificates are done completely wrong. Instead of just listing the proximate medical cause, they should list the true cause: he died of loneliness; he died of a broken heart; he died because he was homeless and couldn't find his way to the help he needed. When those are the causes of death that we start to track, perhaps the world will become a better place.
      - dragonwriter 9y ago
        The farther you get from the proximate medical cause, the more supposition and speculation is involved.
        rejschaap 9y ago
        True, but his point about missing information that could lead to the root cause is very valid. In some cases addressing the root cause is the only way to really prevent death.
- kwhitefoot 9y ago
  It's tough. But life has to go on. My wife of forty years died of cancer last August after two years of treatment. Even though we both knew it would happen sometime we were neither of us prepared for it when it happened. Six months later 'I’m unmanned and unmoored without her' as the other commenter said. Half my memory is gone, I have no one to whom I can make all those scurrilous comments about friends and relations. No one's hand to hold while going for a walk. No one to hold and to touch. But I have other people who rely on me, my children, my sister, the company I work for. So even though I am in tears as I write this, I know that I have to cope, I have to find a way to be. It's going to take a while.
  - mrbill 9y ago
    It took me about two years before the "fog" lifted and I started to feel again. Before I was doing anything other than going to work like an automation just to pay bills.
webkike 9y ago
I lost my mom in 2001. One week after 9/11. I was 6. I often wonder if I would have been a better person if she was there.
- SiVal 9y ago
  Is it too late to become what she would have wanted? I don't mean to be glib, but you were a young kid then and (presumably) you're not anymore. Could you recreate her in your mind and allow her to influence you to become the person you would have been? I'm a father, and I used to worry about what might happen to my young kids if I died. It would be a great comfort to me to imagine them, after they got older, making an effort to interview people who knew me, asking about what I was interested in, what mattered to me, what I used to talk about, how I talked, how serious/happy/neurotic/patient/stingy/grouchy/etc. I was. With this model, they could imagine conversations with me, discuss things with me, try not to disappoint me, etc. Fortunately--for me, anyway--my kids are old enough now that they will never get my voice out of their heads, even if I get hit by a bus tomorrow (and even if they are driving the bus!) It's too late for them. How about you? If you seriously think she might have made you a better person, why not help her by giving her a second chance?
  - AstralStorm 9y ago
    A person recreated from memory is still a fake, no matter how accurate you and your memory are. And most people do boot have the skill to do a full character model at the age of 6. It takes special talent nature to do that even when old. That is even ignoring the fact that people change and adapt over time in hard to predict ways. So this thought exercise is actually protecting your own wishes through the light of some imagined model of a person. Might as well use Tarot cards instead.
    - bipson 9y ago
      You are right, it is a mind game, IMO just not as far fetched as you paint it. I think what GP is aiming at is this: If you think you are a worse person (whatever that means) than you could be, be it from your or any other persons' perspective, is it too late to change? Or put differently: Years after someones death, the picture of what one could be, is a mind-game already. From here to picturing what you/your mind would like to change is not that much of a stretch.
deleted 9y ago
[deleted]
agumonkey 9y ago
It's a thing that taints life with a glow of absurdity. I hope your (and matt's) scar will shrink a bit, even though this is the kind of scar you don't want to heal at the same time.
djhaskin987 9y ago
I know "thoughts and prayers" does nothing For what it's worth Matt, you have mine.

by mrbill 9y ago

northwest65 9y ago

>I’m unmanned and unmoored without her I found that quite cutting. I'm not sure I could go on if my wife died prematurely. My mind has turned to this on occassions when people close to me have suffered severe illness or died, and I just can't see in my minds eye how I could cope.

Myrmornis 9y ago
May I ask absolutely sincerely: how differently do you feel about the scenario of your wife suddenly leaving you?
- didgeoridoo 9y ago
  Dude.
  - Myrmornis 9y ago
    This thread is about loss. What I referred to can be an extremely acute form of loss. There may be people in this thread struggling to deal with the form of loss I referred to.
    - lopmotr 9y ago
      I agree it's important. Divorcees don't get smothered with caring like widow(er)s do despite how devastating it can be. Perhaps worse because not only have you lost them but they're also telling you you're not wanted.
- cabaalis 9y ago
  No need for a hypothetical scenario in my case. It sucks, greatly, but I imagine pales in comparison to having a loving wife suddenly die.
- mrbill 9y ago
  When you have a divorce, separation, etc - the person is still there, still alive, around, may or may not communicate with you, etc. You can know that they're OK, even if they had to find happiness with someone else or whatever happened. I was working late to make up some time and had headphones on. Wife told me "I'm gonna go soak in the tub and go to bed, see you in a bit." A couple hours later I finished what I was doing and headed towards the bedroom. I noticed the bathroom light was still on, and found her. Apparent heart attack and she drowned in the bathtub, and she'd been gone a while by the time I found her. Sudden wrenching loss. No opportunity to make up for fights. No goodbye. Just.. gone. Anyway. This isn't about me. This is about the community helping Matt, in whatever way we can.
toomanybeersies 9y ago
You wouldn't be the first if you couldn't go on. A close family friend took his own life shortly after his wife died of cancer. After over 25 years of living together, I guess it was just too much for him to continue without her. I was too young at the time to understand and to be honest I'm still too young to understand.
- snuxoll 9y ago
  Broken heart syndrome is real, elderly couples have been know to pass within fairly short time frames of each other even if all medical indications show they very well could have survived longer. Losing the one person you have shared so much of your life with, likely raised children together with and confided in is something I cannot even comprehend. I’m going to put down HN now and play Minecraft with my wife or something, because now I feel like I’m squandering my time with her.
  - andrewbinstock 9y ago
    I have long felt that death certificates are done completely wrong. Instead of just listing the proximate medical cause, they should list the true cause: he died of loneliness; he died of a broken heart; he died because he was homeless and couldn't find his way to the help he needed. When those are the causes of death that we start to track, perhaps the world will become a better place.
    - dragonwriter 9y ago
      The farther you get from the proximate medical cause, the more supposition and speculation is involved.
      - rejschaap 9y ago
        True, but his point about missing information that could lead to the root cause is very valid. In some cases addressing the root cause is the only way to really prevent death.
kwhitefoot 9y ago
It's tough. But life has to go on. My wife of forty years died of cancer last August after two years of treatment. Even though we both knew it would happen sometime we were neither of us prepared for it when it happened. Six months later 'I’m unmanned and unmoored without her' as the other commenter said. Half my memory is gone, I have no one to whom I can make all those scurrilous comments about friends and relations. No one's hand to hold while going for a walk. No one to hold and to touch. But I have other people who rely on me, my children, my sister, the company I work for. So even though I am in tears as I write this, I know that I have to cope, I have to find a way to be. It's going to take a while.
- mrbill 9y ago
  It took me about two years before the "fog" lifted and I started to feel again. Before I was doing anything other than going to work like an automation just to pay bills.

webkike 9y ago

I lost my mom in 2001. One week after 9/11. I was 6. I often wonder if I would have been a better person if she was there.

SiVal 9y ago
Is it too late to become what she would have wanted? I don't mean to be glib, but you were a young kid then and (presumably) you're not anymore. Could you recreate her in your mind and allow her to influence you to become the person you would have been? I'm a father, and I used to worry about what might happen to my young kids if I died. It would be a great comfort to me to imagine them, after they got older, making an effort to interview people who knew me, asking about what I was interested in, what mattered to me, what I used to talk about, how I talked, how serious/happy/neurotic/patient/stingy/grouchy/etc. I was. With this model, they could imagine conversations with me, discuss things with me, try not to disappoint me, etc. Fortunately--for me, anyway--my kids are old enough now that they will never get my voice out of their heads, even if I get hit by a bus tomorrow (and even if they are driving the bus!) It's too late for them. How about you? If you seriously think she might have made you a better person, why not help her by giving her a second chance?
- AstralStorm 9y ago
  A person recreated from memory is still a fake, no matter how accurate you and your memory are. And most people do boot have the skill to do a full character model at the age of 6. It takes special talent nature to do that even when old. That is even ignoring the fact that people change and adapt over time in hard to predict ways. So this thought exercise is actually protecting your own wishes through the light of some imagined model of a person. Might as well use Tarot cards instead.
  - bipson 9y ago
    You are right, it is a mind game, IMO just not as far fetched as you paint it. I think what GP is aiming at is this: If you think you are a worse person (whatever that means) than you could be, be it from your or any other persons' perspective, is it too late to change? Or put differently: Years after someones death, the picture of what one could be, is a mind-game already. From here to picturing what you/your mind would like to change is not that much of a stretch.

deleted 9y ago

[deleted]

agumonkey 9y ago

It's a thing that taints life with a glow of absurdity. I hope your (and matt's) scar will shrink a bit, even though this is the kind of scar you don't want to heal at the same time.

djhaskin987 9y ago

I know "thoughts and prayers" does nothing For what it's worth Matt, you have mine.