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Empathy is the key skill. Yes, it's learned. The ability to walk in somebody else's shoes for a while makes you a better developer. Why? * You acquire the hab

Empathy is the key skill. Yes, it's learned. The ability to walk in somebody else's shoes for a while makes you a better developer. Why? * You acquire the habit of imagining what it's like to use the stuff you develop. * You have a feel for the daily experience of your colleagues, suppliers, executives and other stakeholders. These things give you the sort of spidey-sense that lets you function independently. They also give you the ability to enlist other people to get things done. How can you learn empathy? Like any skill, it takes practice. --Listen to strangers. The question "what are you doing this afternoon" asked at lunch will usually get an interesting response. Interject "wow" - like sounds to keep them talking. --Seek opportunities to meet end-users of your stuff. (Ask sales people to take you along on calls if that's appropriate). Observe their work. --Ask your executives and project managers questions like, "what keeps you awake at night?" And listen to the answers. --Teach. It doesn't matter whether you teach short courses or get a night job as an adjunct professor at your local CoCo. Your interactions with students will help develop your empathy. People love to talk about themselves. You can take advantage of that to practice empathy.

matwood 10y ago
Basically practice "How to Win Friends and Influence People."
- mknocker 10y ago
  Great book. Easy to read and full of examples.
  - xxr 10y ago
    One of my favorite tips from the book that's stuck with me in the 10+ years since I've read it is the immediate breakthrough you'll have with someone if you pronounce their name correctly when you meet them for the first time, particularly if their name is uncommon to your culture. In the author's case, I believe it was a Greek business partner whose name other English speakers had anglicized down to "Nick." When the author pronounced the other man's name fully, the other man welled up and replied that no one had tried that in decades. I haven't ever had a response quite so extremely positive, but I have experienced sparks of surprised excitement from new coworkers with, for example, Polish and Indian names when I've taken the time to think about or learn how their names are more accurately pronounced.
3pt14159 10y ago
I've found "what'd you get up to this weekend" to be a great conversation starter because most people have done at least one fun thing over the weekend.
- CiPHPerCoder 10y ago
  People ask me that all the time and it's awkward. I very rarely do anything anyone else would consider "fun", even on weekends. Most of what I do can be classified as "work".
  - sxg 10y ago
    You don't have to talk about things that other people think are fun. The point is to bring up something that can get you excited and animated. If what you call "work" does that for you, then I'd love to hear about it.
    - CiPHPerCoder 10y ago
      > The point is to bring up something that can get you excited and animated. Well, the only time you'll get that out of me is when I'm angry. Most of my weekends involve: * Reading research papers * Reviewing other peoples' source code * Reporting security vulnerabilities to open source projects (usually with a patch) * Improving these projects: https://github.com/paragonie https://github.com/paragonie I never have any time to watch movies, play video games, or engage in creative hobbies.
      - ScaryRacoon 10y ago
        That is fine. Talk about that. The point isn't to tell someone what is exciting, it is about making connections. Perhaps you read a research paper on a topic the other person has an interest in. Perhaps you contributed to a project they use in their spare time, or could use on a side project.
      - mercer 10y ago
        If I'd asked you that question, and this was your answer, I'd probably have asked you all about the papers you'd been reading, what kinds of issues you ran into reviewing other people's source code, and the what and why of the projects you were improving. I'm sure I'm not alone in that.
e1452654a78d238 10y ago
But devs are perfect and special snowflakes who should be deferred to in every context. The users should just do what we put in the nonexistent documentation or figure it out on their own because the software is perfect amirite?
specialist 10y ago
Under the empathy umbrella, I'd add patience. Play the long game. Give people time to come around, catch up. Earn the respect and trust of the people around you.
deleted 10y ago
[deleted]
quickpost 10y ago
Great great post. Thanks for summarizing that so eloquently - I'll be keeping a copy of this comment around as a list of things to practice and continue practicing.
mwfunk 10y ago
I've come to believe that understanding what empathy is and how to develop it is easily one of the most important skills we have in all stages of life, and the lack of it is one of the most common reefs that people crash on in adulthood. You really see the effects in the tech industry, as many of us were drawn to this line of work when we were undersocialized introverts in our teens and 20's. I know I was. I really resented social pressure in all forms, and was always pissed off that everyone else didn't see me for the genius that I thought I was at that age (which I was not, of course, but that belief was the only thing that got me out of bed some mornings). I loved the idea of a job where all that mattered were my technical skills, and never had to interact with other people, not realizing that any engineering job worth having would not fall into this category, if such jobs even existed. I frequently see people get angry in forums when they think people are arguing with them based on the tone or wording of what they said rather than the content of their post. I frequently see people make comments in forums along the lines of, "99.9% of humanity is just too freaking sensitive and I refuse to change myself to adapt to them." More topically, you will occasionally see politicians or other public figures brush off outrage against some mind-numbingly hateful or stupid remark with excuses like, "I don't have time for political correctness", as if their lack of PC-approved verbiage was the reason people got angry. All of these things are indicators of people who not only don't have empathy but don't even realize what it is. They think empathy is like sympathy, or some other warm and fuzzy lets-share-our-feelings thing that they don't think they need to understand. But really empathy is just the ability to have at least a shred of intuition for how things look from other people's perspectives. I think of it more as a neurological function than anything else, another high level input that our brains synthesize for us from lots of low level activity that we're not aware of, not unlike sight or hearing. It's a prerequisite for effectively communicating things to other people, and it becomes even more important when the people you are communicating with are predisposed to disagree with whatever you're saying. It's not schmoozing, it's not knowing how to sugar-coat what you say so as to not offend people (although that's often a pleasant side-effect in touchy situations!), it has nothing to do with political correctness, it's not even a social skill- it's literally just having the tiniest sense of how you come across to other people so you can communicate as effectively as possible. It also makes it much, much easier to design software that actually solves problems for other people, and to arrive at the best possible compromises in personal and business dealings. It also will aid in your awareness of problems that might not matter to you, but matter a lot to the people whose problems you want to solve.

matwood 10y ago

Basically practice "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

mknocker 10y ago
Great book. Easy to read and full of examples.
- xxr 10y ago
  One of my favorite tips from the book that's stuck with me in the 10+ years since I've read it is the immediate breakthrough you'll have with someone if you pronounce their name correctly when you meet them for the first time, particularly if their name is uncommon to your culture. In the author's case, I believe it was a Greek business partner whose name other English speakers had anglicized down to "Nick." When the author pronounced the other man's name fully, the other man welled up and replied that no one had tried that in decades. I haven't ever had a response quite so extremely positive, but I have experienced sparks of surprised excitement from new coworkers with, for example, Polish and Indian names when I've taken the time to think about or learn how their names are more accurately pronounced.

3pt14159 10y ago

I've found "what'd you get up to this weekend" to be a great conversation starter because most people have done at least one fun thing over the weekend.

CiPHPerCoder 10y ago
People ask me that all the time and it's awkward. I very rarely do anything anyone else would consider "fun", even on weekends. Most of what I do can be classified as "work".
- sxg 10y ago
  You don't have to talk about things that other people think are fun. The point is to bring up something that can get you excited and animated. If what you call "work" does that for you, then I'd love to hear about it.
  - CiPHPerCoder 10y ago
    > The point is to bring up something that can get you excited and animated. Well, the only time you'll get that out of me is when I'm angry. Most of my weekends involve: * Reading research papers * Reviewing other peoples' source code * Reporting security vulnerabilities to open source projects (usually with a patch) * Improving these projects: https://github.com/paragonie https://github.com/paragonie I never have any time to watch movies, play video games, or engage in creative hobbies.
    - ScaryRacoon 10y ago
      That is fine. Talk about that. The point isn't to tell someone what is exciting, it is about making connections. Perhaps you read a research paper on a topic the other person has an interest in. Perhaps you contributed to a project they use in their spare time, or could use on a side project.
    - mercer 10y ago
      If I'd asked you that question, and this was your answer, I'd probably have asked you all about the papers you'd been reading, what kinds of issues you ran into reviewing other people's source code, and the what and why of the projects you were improving. I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

e1452654a78d238 10y ago

But devs are perfect and special snowflakes who should be deferred to in every context. The users should just do what we put in the nonexistent documentation or figure it out on their own because the software is perfect amirite?

specialist 10y ago

Under the empathy umbrella, I'd add patience. Play the long game. Give people time to come around, catch up. Earn the respect and trust of the people around you.

deleted 10y ago

[deleted]

quickpost 10y ago

Great great post. Thanks for summarizing that so eloquently - I'll be keeping a copy of this comment around as a list of things to practice and continue practicing.

mwfunk 10y ago

I've come to believe that understanding what empathy is and how to develop it is easily one of the most important skills we have in all stages of life, and the lack of it is one of the most common reefs that people crash on in adulthood. You really see the effects in the tech industry, as many of us were drawn to this line of work when we were undersocialized introverts in our teens and 20's. I know I was. I really resented social pressure in all forms, and was always pissed off that everyone else didn't see me for the genius that I thought I was at that age (which I was not, of course, but that belief was the only thing that got me out of bed some mornings). I loved the idea of a job where all that mattered were my technical skills, and never had to interact with other people, not realizing that any engineering job worth having would not fall into this category, if such jobs even existed. I frequently see people get angry in forums when they think people are arguing with them based on the tone or wording of what they said rather than the content of their post. I frequently see people make comments in forums along the lines of, "99.9% of humanity is just too freaking sensitive and I refuse to change myself to adapt to them." More topically, you will occasionally see politicians or other public figures brush off outrage against some mind-numbingly hateful or stupid remark with excuses like, "I don't have time for political correctness", as if their lack of PC-approved verbiage was the reason people got angry. All of these things are indicators of people who not only don't have empathy but don't even realize what it is. They think empathy is like sympathy, or some other warm and fuzzy lets-share-our-feelings thing that they don't think they need to understand. But really empathy is just the ability to have at least a shred of intuition for how things look from other people's perspectives. I think of it more as a neurological function than anything else, another high level input that our brains synthesize for us from lots of low level activity that we're not aware of, not unlike sight or hearing. It's a prerequisite for effectively communicating things to other people, and it becomes even more important when the people you are communicating with are predisposed to disagree with whatever you're saying. It's not schmoozing, it's not knowing how to sugar-coat what you say so as to not offend people (although that's often a pleasant side-effect in touchy situations!), it has nothing to do with political correctness, it's not even a social skill- it's literally just having the tiniest sense of how you come across to other people so you can communicate as effectively as possible. It also makes it much, much easier to design software that actually solves problems for other people, and to arrive at the best possible compromises in personal and business dealings. It also will aid in your awareness of problems that might not matter to you, but matter a lot to the people whose problems you want to solve.