4 ms·

"when you have written a letter that you feel may possibly irritate your friend, ... put it aside till the next day" I have a similar policy. Upon receiving an

"when you have written a letter that you feel may possibly irritate your friend, ... put it aside till the next day" I have a similar policy. Upon receiving an email that makes me hyperventilate even a little, or sets my pulse racing just a bit, by all means draft a reply immediately -- frequently emotional and full of invective -- but the set it aside for at least 24 hours. 48 in more severe cases. Then, and only then, re-read the message that got me all hot and bothered in the first place, re-read my draft reply (assuming I did that) and then redraft as needed before hitting "Send". I call this my "24-hour Rule" and apply it always. Then there's the "Never Hit Send While After Even a Single Drink Rule"... but that's another thing for another day.

nerdy 11y ago
Sometimes you don't have a day to wait, even just an hour or two can help your cooler-self prevail. I also draft immediately. The facts are fresh and you're passionate, get it all down so you can sift through it later. I try to make this the "final" draft even though I'm committed to reviewing it later. Later when I return to the draft the first thing I do is delete everything which can be removed without loss of context. This usually removes a lot of the pissed-off "Let me tell YOU something about YOU that YOU don't know!"* stuff. If it isn't directly substantive it's probably inflammatory. After it has been boiled down to relevant content take a step back and try to reflect humanely. Think about every lesson in compassion you've experienced in your life. Look the text over; how would you react to this e-mail if it were sent to you? Is even it really productive? Is it necessary? If so, try to think of a couple genuinely positive aspects of the situation— insincerity is only going to cause more discomfort. If there's nothing positive it might be important to do some reflection about why that's the case. Remove accusatory tone; if you're not the boss (and even so...) then you should almost certainly be using more instances of "we" than "you" both literally and figuratively. Find the unresolved issues and recommend solution, try to supply the beginning of a solution as a token of your good faith despite whatever issues have arisen. Review the whole message from the perspective of the recipient once more, a bit later if time permits. This has worked really well for me, sometimes surprisingly so; people have gone from completely irate to "Okay, I'll take care of A and B!" It's pretty crazy. * Ron White reference
CPLX 11y ago
A good test for this kind of thing is to ask these three questions for every statement you make in a confrontational communication: 1. Does this have to be said? 2. Does it have to be said now? 3. Does it have to be said by me? If you can't answer all three questions with a strong and affirmative yes, then delete the statement.
- pbhjpbhj 11y ago
  That seems like an extraordinarily passive approach. Depends on your measure of necessity to some extent but nonetheless there are many situations where you should say something but you're not required to.
- robobro 11y ago
  From Buddhism, "5 factors of speech": [1] "Do I speak at the right time, or not? [2] "Do I speak of facts, or not? [3] "Do I speak gently or harshly? [4] "Do I speak profitable words or not? [5] "Do I speak with a kindly heart, or inwardly malicious?
shogun21 11y ago
Funny that he says to always address the envelope first so you don't rush in the end. But when it comes to important emails, I always leave the recipient field blank until I'm sure this is what I want to send.
- TheLoneWolfling 11y ago
  It's a whole lot harder to accidentally send a letter prematurely than send an email prematurely.
  - pbhjpbhj 11y ago
    If you put a letter in an addressed envelope there is a risk someone else might post/deliver it for you. If you've written a letter you may not want to send then it's probably worth guarding against that if your circumstances allow for such unwanted posting.
    - TheLoneWolfling 11y ago
      Yes, but you tend not to actually put the letter in the envelope until you are ready to send it. That's the equivalent of this.

nerdy 11y ago

Sometimes you don't have a day to wait, even just an hour or two can help your cooler-self prevail. I also draft immediately. The facts are fresh and you're passionate, get it all down so you can sift through it later. I try to make this the "final" draft even though I'm committed to reviewing it later. Later when I return to the draft the first thing I do is delete everything which can be removed without loss of context. This usually removes a lot of the pissed-off "Let me tell YOU something about YOU that YOU don't know!"* stuff. If it isn't directly substantive it's probably inflammatory. After it has been boiled down to relevant content take a step back and try to reflect humanely. Think about every lesson in compassion you've experienced in your life. Look the text over; how would you react to this e-mail if it were sent to you? Is even it really productive? Is it necessary? If so, try to think of a couple genuinely positive aspects of the situation— insincerity is only going to cause more discomfort. If there's nothing positive it might be important to do some reflection about why that's the case. Remove accusatory tone; if you're not the boss (and even so...) then you should almost certainly be using more instances of "we" than "you" both literally and figuratively. Find the unresolved issues and recommend solution, try to supply the beginning of a solution as a token of your good faith despite whatever issues have arisen. Review the whole message from the perspective of the recipient once more, a bit later if time permits. This has worked really well for me, sometimes surprisingly so; people have gone from completely irate to "Okay, I'll take care of A and B!" It's pretty crazy. * Ron White reference

CPLX 11y ago

A good test for this kind of thing is to ask these three questions for every statement you make in a confrontational communication: 1. Does this have to be said? 2. Does it have to be said now? 3. Does it have to be said by me? If you can't answer all three questions with a strong and affirmative yes, then delete the statement.

pbhjpbhj 11y ago
That seems like an extraordinarily passive approach. Depends on your measure of necessity to some extent but nonetheless there are many situations where you should say something but you're not required to.
robobro 11y ago
From Buddhism, "5 factors of speech": [1] "Do I speak at the right time, or not? [2] "Do I speak of facts, or not? [3] "Do I speak gently or harshly? [4] "Do I speak profitable words or not? [5] "Do I speak with a kindly heart, or inwardly malicious?

shogun21 11y ago

Funny that he says to always address the envelope first so you don't rush in the end. But when it comes to important emails, I always leave the recipient field blank until I'm sure this is what I want to send.

TheLoneWolfling 11y ago
It's a whole lot harder to accidentally send a letter prematurely than send an email prematurely.
- pbhjpbhj 11y ago
  If you put a letter in an addressed envelope there is a risk someone else might post/deliver it for you. If you've written a letter you may not want to send then it's probably worth guarding against that if your circumstances allow for such unwanted posting.
  - TheLoneWolfling 11y ago
    Yes, but you tend not to actually put the letter in the envelope until you are ready to send it. That's the equivalent of this.