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What is heartwarming about this is that most "small minded, small town" people don't know this so much as this is just the only way they know... if that makes s

What is heartwarming about this is that most "small minded, small town" people don't know this so much as this is just the only way they know... if that makes sense. It's not until you leave and try something else and realize what you thought was so much more; what you thought was better; the dream you chase is really just an illusion. There may be so much more to life than small town living, but what the small town people often don't know they know is that they have everything that's important in life - family, friends, community. The rest is just fluff laid on us as "important", "necessary" and "deserved" by the propaganda fed to us every day by the media. "By God you work hard, you deserve these luxuries in life." What they fail to impart: Most of these luxuries are meaningless, a constant cycle of planned obsolescence, consumerism and mindless spending designed to keep you in a state of want. I was the ambitious one, the one that strayed far from home, chasing the dream, getting caught up in the consumerism. I'm glad that by the age of 38 I have come to realize that I had everything that was important before I left. The remainder was a constant cycle of churn, want more, want bigger, want better, want newer, want more convenient. Except it's hard when it's being fed to you every day by every billboard, every sign, every menu, every advert, every press release, every news story, every TV show to differentiate between want and need. When you stop to analyze what you actually need - I mean really need: Clean air, clean water, shelter, nutrition, sanitation, family, community, companionship; how much of what you're being sold every day is truly "needed" and how much of it is a want to fulfill some notion that has been sold to you by the media?

visarga 12y ago
You're right to put happiness in terms of needs, instead of wants. There is this psychological system called Nonviolent Communication (NVC) that relies exactly on making this distinction between needs and wants. They have identified a list (an inventory of basic human needs). https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory
- leppr 12y ago
  Seeing this list of needs I'm wondering what kind of positive 'thing' doesn't fit in it one way or another. Didn't find any 'wants' inventory in there or anything else that could enlighten me on the distinction. If you don't mind, would you care elaborating a bit on that?
jasode 12y ago
>...they know is that they have everything that's important in life - family, friends, community. Well, there also seems to be a certain population of humans where "family, friends, community" does not bring contentment and fulfillment. Think of a married man with children who often has thoughts of driving alone into the sunset and never turning back. It's only societal norms that keeps him from acting out his plans. When he was younger, his parents and friends had convinced him he'd be happy once he "settled down" but now he feels he's been sold a lie. Now what? Is he defective? If society forced him to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" ten times would he finally have a George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart) moment shown at the end of the movie[1]? Would he slap his forehead exclaiming, "yes I was so stupid. I should just be content with my family!" ? Maybe there are some people who can't have that Hollywood ending. Instead, they live in a perpetual "Death of a Salesman" loop. Maybe some folks must pursue a purpose and chase a dream and if they don't, "family and community" mean nothing to them. >I was the ambitious one, the one that strayed far from home, chasing the dream, getting caught up in the consumerism. But there's also ambition without the "consumerism". In any case, let's say we have 2 types of people that don't know what "true happiness" is: 1) the person who chased life in the big city, got the Harvard MBA, the prestigious partnership at XYZ Law Firm, the whole brass ring. He realized it was all a waste and it was family relationships that he neglected that was really important. 2) the person who settled into family life and realized he's not really cut out for domestic living. Since society doesn't allow him to return his wife & children for a refund, he feels "trapped" in his boring existence. He lost his chances at "making something of himself". It looks like the article we're discussing, and Hollywood movies, and most of the HN comments here are biased to scenario #1. It's like scenario #2 is a taboo subject. Are we smart enough to self-reflect and know which type we fall into so we don't turn into 40-something zombies living with regrets? [1]https://youtu.be/-0h50v7UNJc?t=2m9s https://youtu.be/-0h50v7UNJc?t=2m9s
- balabaster 12y ago
  > Think of a married husband with children who often has thoughts of driving alone into the sunset and never turning back. Oh, I've been there, a few times. The thing that stopped me ultimately wasn't "societal norms", it was that in all reality, the sun was shining, the road was empty, there was peace in the moment. The quiet and tranquility of being alone a stark contrast to the chaos and turmoil of home [you can only live in a state of chaos for so long before your brain can't cope with it any more]. Running off into the sunset alone serves no purpose though. Perhaps you settled down too soon, perhaps you've not yet learned to find the joy in being "settled down." I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling that way, I'm not saying don't drive off alone into the sunset and never turn back. What I am saying is that the grass is only greener on the side of the fence that you nurture it. Of course, your life may be amazing, you may love your job and you may love your family, friends and community - but everyone needs a vacation occasionally.
javiramos 12y ago
I agree. Pepe Mujica, President of Uruguay, gave a heartfelt speech a while ago. He argues exactly what you say and asks the most fundamental question: What do we actually need? The speech here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYkaV-dN2Sg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYkaV-dN2Sg
exelius 12y ago
That's great if you come from a place like that that you can return to. Not everyone is so lucky. Those of us who grew up in big cities and moved away often have nothing to return to, nor would staying have helped. I'm an only child, and my parents are still together, but no longer live where I grew up. Everyone I knew from my childhood is scattered throughout the country. The neighborhood I grew up in was bulldozed and is now luxury condos. This is a common story among millennials. People ultimately want a sense of belonging to SOMETHING. We're jaded about many of the traditional societal support structures like religion, marriage, work, or politics. As a result, many millennials identify with brands instead. Branding is enormous among millennials, even when looking at cohorts from previous generations at the same age. It's how millennials express their personality -- not by being creative, but by mashing up things that are already widely popular into our own identities. There are even counter-culture brands that let you identify with hating everything about consumer culture. What do you do if you're not from anywhere? You don't know how to belong to a tight-knit social group because your friends have been disposable your whole life (and vice-versa). So you drift along in a consumer-oriented delirium, and if you're lucky you can join your life with some other lost soul so you're not so lonely. You are ambitious because let's face it, what else do you have going on? So is it any surprise that people eat up what the media sells them? For many people, there's not a more attractive alternative.
- crpatino 12y ago
  I see where you come from, and sympathize with your situation. I am also aware that what I am going to say does not and cannot apply for everyone. But speaking exclusively about your case... You really need to learn how to think on your own. If you just follow the script you are provided by default, they win and you loose your soul. In practice, doing something about it for many people means jumping from the pan that is mainstream culture into the fires of the alternative counter-culture scene. Once you do that, it does not mean that you will automatically be given a ticket to Nirvana. Instead, you will find a different group of puppeteers who will try to feed you with a different script. Trust in your gut and challenge everything you are told. After you have done it a few times, you will be able to pick up the common patterns and the differences between the foundational myths of each tribe. At the end of day, you never will see reality as it is. We are social creatures and we always experience reality as socially mediated phenomena. However, once you have switched lenses a few times, you begin to grasp how each leans distorts reality, and your mind begin to make corrections. (I learned this be virtue of have been raised a devout Catholic. University and Science delivered terrible blows to my world view, which caused significant pain during my early twenties, but this prevented my imagination from being too caught into the modern myth of Progress). Once you have tried maybe a dozen lenses, and picked up two or three that let you see reality in a way that is both useful and meaningful to yourself, then you might be able to try and make a new lens from scratch. Most people never reach this far; I am 39 and at least know I am quite far from there yet. > So is it any surprise that people eat up what the media sells them? For many people, there's not a more attractive alternative. I have given you one alternative, but there is a price. When time is due, please pay it forward.
goldfeld 12y ago
You really don't have to get caught up in consumerism to enjoy a city hub life, though I know it's hard and I've been there. If you're entirely happy about your small town friends, I'd say staying might be a good idea, but then a big city offers great opportunities for learning and opening your mind that don't depend on getting a fancy car: you'll meet fascinating and diverse people, places and teachers for whatever profession or hobbies you pursue.
- balabaster 12y ago
  Indeed, I'm just saying that having done all that and having been the one to say "there is more to life than this" and leaving in search of it, the conclusion I've drawn from the endless pursuit of ambition is to come full circle and realize: The more to life you're looking for was right under your nose all along, you just didn't realize it.
coryrc 12y ago
So long as you fit in those small-minded norms, you can go back and enjoy those things... given my hometown, that'll go fine so long as you aren't gay or nerdy or so many "different" characteristics. I'm sure you'll be very fulfilled at the trailer park you live in near the industrially-contaminated river while going to your minimum-wage job wiping old people's asses or working 14-hour days picking crops, competing against illegal migrants for wage, will really make you look forward to going home and communing while the neighbor's pit bull barks for hours while you try to sleep. Yeah, small town life is so much better.
- api 12y ago
  The last part of your post is overly negative. Small town life can be much, much better than that... though there are numerous poor rural areas where your description would fit. The first part is spot on. I'd say it applies to most or perhaps even all human communities. We are hive animals, and our communities are only loving and welcoming if you are "one of us." I have never seen a lasting attempt to transcend that. Doing so would probably make us infinitely happier, but we are slaves to our inherited instinctive wiring. So if you don't fit in, the big lonely machine is better than the small lonely persecution of your origin.
- lurcio 12y ago
  "I'm sure you'll be very fulfilled at the trailer park you live in near the industrially-contaminated river while going to your minimum-wage job wiping old people's asses or working 14-hour days picking crops, competing against illegal migrants for wage.." I agree with you, but let's not overlook that life in a (world)city can also fit this description (replace picking crops with any menial labour). So the chips have to be stacked somewhat in your favour to benefit form these liberties. A major benefit of leaving is to live free of parochial judgement (it is singular!) - just as you describe. Also the cultural benefits also are great - for whatever definition of culture you prefer. Still, returning to see family feels like playing out Rilke's Prodigal son short.
- balabaster 12y ago
  You'd think after living outside the box for a while, you'd learn to think outside it. Just because you live in or move to a small town, doesn't mean you have to have a low paying dead end job just because it has (or doesn't) benefits or you can be part of a union. There are ways to carve a niche for yourself that is meaningful to yourself and your community that will allow you to live a comfortable life.
csomar 12y ago
I mean really need: Clean air, clean water, shelter, nutrition, sanitation, family, community, companionship Interestingly, big cities are bad at offering those. They are polluted, expensive (especially real-estate), fast-food, short-term relations, and bad-lack of services is common. Sure you can get some quality and "top-notch" food, but you got to pay lots of premium for that.
- balabaster 12y ago
  Big cities are the pits at offering these. While they offer a wealth of culture, it's not really culture, it's some simile of something that looks kind of like some interpretation of what the presenter thinks culture looks like... the food, the art, the music. It can be awe inspiring and suck you in. You can get your hands on anything you want at a moment's notice, from fast food to "love" [you know that doesn't mean "love", right?] and anything in between, all you have to do is get out your wallet. Relationships are fast and loose, you barely know your neighbours - if indeed you've ever seen them through the peephole on your door, because lord knows you've never knocked on their door and said "Hey, I'm your neighbour, I just wanted to say hey, here's a cup of sugar". Your shoe box is worth a million bucks, you can stand in the middle of the room and touch both walls without moving. Your bed is hidden in a bookcase because it's the only way you can have living space and a bed. That's a million bucks... for a shoe box because *location, location, location!" For what? Because you can earn more money and climb the corporate ladder... except you get your pay cheque each month and it's all gone because living expenses in the city are through the 36 square feet of roof you can afford. Meanwhile that guy living on minimum wage out in the country because that's the only job he can get has a shit paycheque that goes just as far as yours which has 2 more zeros on the end, he doesn't have to fight for room on the subway for the hour each way it takes you to get to work, he can drive to work in 5 minutes, his 1,500 square foot house costs him barely anything, it's on an acre of land, he grows all his own produce and has a cow for milk, yogurt and cheese and chickens for eggs. He hunts now and then to put meat in his freezer and needs for nothing. He knows and loves everyone and they all know and love him right back. If he has a fall or loses his job, everyone around him rallies to help him get back on his feet. What happens when that happens to you? [Of course, I don't mean you you, I mean hypothetical you that lives in the big city chasing the dream]
onnoonno 11y ago
One thing I would likely miss living in a small forever is the intellectual input. Sure, it is nice to have exchanges through the Internet for that, but sometimes it is good to have some intriguing discussions with other driven people. OTOH, the vibe/'cutting edge' in big cities is just a fad/false religion more often than not. But I do think it is easier to find like-minded people or people to connect to in bigger social groups.

visarga 12y ago

You're right to put happiness in terms of needs, instead of wants. There is this psychological system called Nonviolent Communication (NVC) that relies exactly on making this distinction between needs and wants. They have identified a list (an inventory of basic human needs). https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

leppr 12y ago
Seeing this list of needs I'm wondering what kind of positive 'thing' doesn't fit in it one way or another. Didn't find any 'wants' inventory in there or anything else that could enlighten me on the distinction. If you don't mind, would you care elaborating a bit on that?

jasode 12y ago

>...they know is that they have everything that's important in life - family, friends, community. Well, there also seems to be a certain population of humans where "family, friends, community" does not bring contentment and fulfillment. Think of a married man with children who often has thoughts of driving alone into the sunset and never turning back. It's only societal norms that keeps him from acting out his plans. When he was younger, his parents and friends had convinced him he'd be happy once he "settled down" but now he feels he's been sold a lie. Now what? Is he defective? If society forced him to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" ten times would he finally have a George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart) moment shown at the end of the movie[1]? Would he slap his forehead exclaiming, "yes I was so stupid. I should just be content with my family!" ? Maybe there are some people who can't have that Hollywood ending. Instead, they live in a perpetual "Death of a Salesman" loop. Maybe some folks must pursue a purpose and chase a dream and if they don't, "family and community" mean nothing to them. >I was the ambitious one, the one that strayed far from home, chasing the dream, getting caught up in the consumerism. But there's also ambition without the "consumerism". In any case, let's say we have 2 types of people that don't know what "true happiness" is: 1) the person who chased life in the big city, got the Harvard MBA, the prestigious partnership at XYZ Law Firm, the whole brass ring. He realized it was all a waste and it was family relationships that he neglected that was really important. 2) the person who settled into family life and realized he's not really cut out for domestic living. Since society doesn't allow him to return his wife & children for a refund, he feels "trapped" in his boring existence. He lost his chances at "making something of himself". It looks like the article we're discussing, and Hollywood movies, and most of the HN comments here are biased to scenario #1. It's like scenario #2 is a taboo subject. Are we smart enough to self-reflect and know which type we fall into so we don't turn into 40-something zombies living with regrets? [1]https://youtu.be/-0h50v7UNJc?t=2m9s https://youtu.be/-0h50v7UNJc?t=2m9s

balabaster 12y ago
> Think of a married husband with children who often has thoughts of driving alone into the sunset and never turning back. Oh, I've been there, a few times. The thing that stopped me ultimately wasn't "societal norms", it was that in all reality, the sun was shining, the road was empty, there was peace in the moment. The quiet and tranquility of being alone a stark contrast to the chaos and turmoil of home [you can only live in a state of chaos for so long before your brain can't cope with it any more]. Running off into the sunset alone serves no purpose though. Perhaps you settled down too soon, perhaps you've not yet learned to find the joy in being "settled down." I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling that way, I'm not saying don't drive off alone into the sunset and never turn back. What I am saying is that the grass is only greener on the side of the fence that you nurture it. Of course, your life may be amazing, you may love your job and you may love your family, friends and community - but everyone needs a vacation occasionally.

javiramos 12y ago

I agree. Pepe Mujica, President of Uruguay, gave a heartfelt speech a while ago. He argues exactly what you say and asks the most fundamental question: What do we actually need? The speech here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYkaV-dN2Sg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYkaV-dN2Sg

exelius 12y ago

That's great if you come from a place like that that you can return to. Not everyone is so lucky. Those of us who grew up in big cities and moved away often have nothing to return to, nor would staying have helped. I'm an only child, and my parents are still together, but no longer live where I grew up. Everyone I knew from my childhood is scattered throughout the country. The neighborhood I grew up in was bulldozed and is now luxury condos. This is a common story among millennials. People ultimately want a sense of belonging to SOMETHING. We're jaded about many of the traditional societal support structures like religion, marriage, work, or politics. As a result, many millennials identify with brands instead. Branding is enormous among millennials, even when looking at cohorts from previous generations at the same age. It's how millennials express their personality -- not by being creative, but by mashing up things that are already widely popular into our own identities. There are even counter-culture brands that let you identify with hating everything about consumer culture. What do you do if you're not from anywhere? You don't know how to belong to a tight-knit social group because your friends have been disposable your whole life (and vice-versa). So you drift along in a consumer-oriented delirium, and if you're lucky you can join your life with some other lost soul so you're not so lonely. You are ambitious because let's face it, what else do you have going on? So is it any surprise that people eat up what the media sells them? For many people, there's not a more attractive alternative.

crpatino 12y ago
I see where you come from, and sympathize with your situation. I am also aware that what I am going to say does not and cannot apply for everyone. But speaking exclusively about your case... You really need to learn how to think on your own. If you just follow the script you are provided by default, they win and you loose your soul. In practice, doing something about it for many people means jumping from the pan that is mainstream culture into the fires of the alternative counter-culture scene. Once you do that, it does not mean that you will automatically be given a ticket to Nirvana. Instead, you will find a different group of puppeteers who will try to feed you with a different script. Trust in your gut and challenge everything you are told. After you have done it a few times, you will be able to pick up the common patterns and the differences between the foundational myths of each tribe. At the end of day, you never will see reality as it is. We are social creatures and we always experience reality as socially mediated phenomena. However, once you have switched lenses a few times, you begin to grasp how each leans distorts reality, and your mind begin to make corrections. (I learned this be virtue of have been raised a devout Catholic. University and Science delivered terrible blows to my world view, which caused significant pain during my early twenties, but this prevented my imagination from being too caught into the modern myth of Progress). Once you have tried maybe a dozen lenses, and picked up two or three that let you see reality in a way that is both useful and meaningful to yourself, then you might be able to try and make a new lens from scratch. Most people never reach this far; I am 39 and at least know I am quite far from there yet. > So is it any surprise that people eat up what the media sells them? For many people, there's not a more attractive alternative. I have given you one alternative, but there is a price. When time is due, please pay it forward.

goldfeld 12y ago

You really don't have to get caught up in consumerism to enjoy a city hub life, though I know it's hard and I've been there. If you're entirely happy about your small town friends, I'd say staying might be a good idea, but then a big city offers great opportunities for learning and opening your mind that don't depend on getting a fancy car: you'll meet fascinating and diverse people, places and teachers for whatever profession or hobbies you pursue.

balabaster 12y ago
Indeed, I'm just saying that having done all that and having been the one to say "there is more to life than this" and leaving in search of it, the conclusion I've drawn from the endless pursuit of ambition is to come full circle and realize: The more to life you're looking for was right under your nose all along, you just didn't realize it.

coryrc 12y ago

So long as you fit in those small-minded norms, you can go back and enjoy those things... given my hometown, that'll go fine so long as you aren't gay or nerdy or so many "different" characteristics. I'm sure you'll be very fulfilled at the trailer park you live in near the industrially-contaminated river while going to your minimum-wage job wiping old people's asses or working 14-hour days picking crops, competing against illegal migrants for wage, will really make you look forward to going home and communing while the neighbor's pit bull barks for hours while you try to sleep. Yeah, small town life is so much better.

api 12y ago
The last part of your post is overly negative. Small town life can be much, much better than that... though there are numerous poor rural areas where your description would fit. The first part is spot on. I'd say it applies to most or perhaps even all human communities. We are hive animals, and our communities are only loving and welcoming if you are "one of us." I have never seen a lasting attempt to transcend that. Doing so would probably make us infinitely happier, but we are slaves to our inherited instinctive wiring. So if you don't fit in, the big lonely machine is better than the small lonely persecution of your origin.
lurcio 12y ago
"I'm sure you'll be very fulfilled at the trailer park you live in near the industrially-contaminated river while going to your minimum-wage job wiping old people's asses or working 14-hour days picking crops, competing against illegal migrants for wage.." I agree with you, but let's not overlook that life in a (world)city can also fit this description (replace picking crops with any menial labour). So the chips have to be stacked somewhat in your favour to benefit form these liberties. A major benefit of leaving is to live free of parochial judgement (it is singular!) - just as you describe. Also the cultural benefits also are great - for whatever definition of culture you prefer. Still, returning to see family feels like playing out Rilke's Prodigal son short.
balabaster 12y ago
You'd think after living outside the box for a while, you'd learn to think outside it. Just because you live in or move to a small town, doesn't mean you have to have a low paying dead end job just because it has (or doesn't) benefits or you can be part of a union. There are ways to carve a niche for yourself that is meaningful to yourself and your community that will allow you to live a comfortable life.

csomar 12y ago

I mean really need: Clean air, clean water, shelter, nutrition, sanitation, family, community, companionship Interestingly, big cities are bad at offering those. They are polluted, expensive (especially real-estate), fast-food, short-term relations, and bad-lack of services is common. Sure you can get some quality and "top-notch" food, but you got to pay lots of premium for that.

balabaster 12y ago
Big cities are the pits at offering these. While they offer a wealth of culture, it's not really culture, it's some simile of something that looks kind of like some interpretation of what the presenter thinks culture looks like... the food, the art, the music. It can be awe inspiring and suck you in. You can get your hands on anything you want at a moment's notice, from fast food to "love" [you know that doesn't mean "love", right?] and anything in between, all you have to do is get out your wallet. Relationships are fast and loose, you barely know your neighbours - if indeed you've ever seen them through the peephole on your door, because lord knows you've never knocked on their door and said "Hey, I'm your neighbour, I just wanted to say hey, here's a cup of sugar". Your shoe box is worth a million bucks, you can stand in the middle of the room and touch both walls without moving. Your bed is hidden in a bookcase because it's the only way you can have living space and a bed. That's a million bucks... for a shoe box because *location, location, location!" For what? Because you can earn more money and climb the corporate ladder... except you get your pay cheque each month and it's all gone because living expenses in the city are through the 36 square feet of roof you can afford. Meanwhile that guy living on minimum wage out in the country because that's the only job he can get has a shit paycheque that goes just as far as yours which has 2 more zeros on the end, he doesn't have to fight for room on the subway for the hour each way it takes you to get to work, he can drive to work in 5 minutes, his 1,500 square foot house costs him barely anything, it's on an acre of land, he grows all his own produce and has a cow for milk, yogurt and cheese and chickens for eggs. He hunts now and then to put meat in his freezer and needs for nothing. He knows and loves everyone and they all know and love him right back. If he has a fall or loses his job, everyone around him rallies to help him get back on his feet. What happens when that happens to you? [Of course, I don't mean you you, I mean hypothetical you that lives in the big city chasing the dream]

onnoonno 11y ago

One thing I would likely miss living in a small forever is the intellectual input. Sure, it is nice to have exchanges through the Internet for that, but sometimes it is good to have some intriguing discussions with other driven people. OTOH, the vibe/'cutting edge' in big cities is just a fad/false religion more often than not. But I do think it is easier to find like-minded people or people to connect to in bigger social groups.