6 ms·

How to turn small talk into smart conversation

74 points by dmilanp 12y ago

rokhayakebe 12y ago
Or just be genuinely interested in people. Everybody has something interesting and if you dig you will find it. If the goal is to make the conversation interesting/smart, it starts with great difficulty because what sounds interesting/smart to one may be just dull/stupid to another. Most people may feel a little reluctant when someone else is digging, but that is only because they have grown an instinct to honestly disbelieve anyone may be truly interested in knowing them for nothing. Since we can't worry how people feel about our little inquiries, we can only ask and be honestly interested in knowing more about others, discovering more.
- GrinningFool 12y ago
  Except for those who would genuinely want to be honestly interested in learning more, but ... aren't. Because wanting to be interested isn't the same as being interested, and it often shows - creating a conversational awkwardness that's even worse than it otherwise would have been.
  - rokhayakebe 12y ago
    Hackers will hack just about everything except their personality even when it can be to their advantage. I do not go to Starbucks with the intention of striking a conversation with strangers and try to find something interesting. I do go out with the intention of talking to whomever I want to talk to even if my second thought after realizing this is negative, and even if I am afraid of others reaction. It fails most of the time, but I think over time I will get better at it.
- sabbatic13 12y ago
  It seems to me that if someone is just honestly interested in meeting people and hearing whatever about them, then they are by nature rather social and extroverted and scarcely need advice on how to start conversations. For most people who aren't social butterflies, conversations are either simple social gestures or they actually have a point. When they have a point, you should ask what interests you, and if it interests them too, then you've found someone with whom a conversation could be worthwhile.
  - mercer 12y ago
    > For most people who aren't social butterflies, conversations are either simple social gestures or they actually have a point. I think that's only partly true. In my life I've gone from extremely shy, 'introverted' and lonely to socially active and 'extraverted'. Both were not optimal and thankfully I think I've found a balance that works for me. An important part of finding that balance was to accept that for a lot of my friends, especially the extraverts, 'simple social gestures' and small-talk type conversations do have a point. They need those. And I'd be a bad friend if I didn't learn to do that occasionally, in the same way that they'd be bad friends if they wouldn't let me monologue about some subject I just spent a week reading about in isolation (where 'bad' means partly 'not a nice person', and partly 'just not a great match as friends).
nostromo 12y ago
These suggestions are dreadful. > Instead of 'Where are you from?' try 'What’s the strangest thing about where you grew up?' > Instead of, 'Yes, it is a beautiful day!' try 'They say that the weather was just like this when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. If that actually happened.' If the goal is to have a pleasant and interesting conversation, dropping non-sequiturs isn't going to get you there. And this is advice for introverts? Many introverts I know would crash and burn using these lines -- they already struggle with being awkward without throwing out, “What would you like your name to mean?”
- jiggy2011 12y ago
  Yes, these sound almost as bad as pickup artist lines.
- DavidAdams 12y ago
  I agree with you that for the most part the suggested alternative conversation starters range from pretty bad to hilariously bad. But I was very glad to read this short article because the larger idea put forth in the article is very thought-provoking, and is really good advice. You'll have to use your own creativity to try to spark an interesting conversation, but I feel a little energized by the challenge. Why do you suppose people are so interested by self-help and "life hacks," but in general we're not actually that motivated for self improvement? (see what I did there?)
  - rrss1122 12y ago
    It's a much better conversation starter than the suggested ones in the article.
- gk1 12y ago
  I understood those to be attempts at humor, not actual lines you should use in a conversation. One of the authors is a comedian.
- kristofferR 12y ago
  Yeah, especially since the first one ("Where are you from?") is pretty easy to use for transitioning the conversation away from small talk and into something more interesting.
seba_dos1 12y ago
Maybe the part with absurd answers could make some sense if done properly (however, mastering the usage of absurd is not easy - there's a thin line between being intriguing and pathetic), but if someone would use this "telling the story" questions during the conversation with me I'd just be annoyed - especially if that would be a stranger. That's some meaningless stuff where you don't even have any slightest idea of where to start when answering, unless you go into absurd as well, which may or may not be the way to go depending on your mood, person you're talking to, etc.
IvyMike 12y ago
> "They say that the weather was just like this when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. If that actually happened." If your goal is to get instantly binned into the same category as 9/11 truthers, moon landing doubters, and holocaust deniers, this might be a good suggestion.
- gk1 12y ago
  That's supposed to be a joke, not an actual suggested line to use in a conversation.
SuperKlaus 12y ago
If Gino responds to "It's hot today" with "In this dimension, yes." Beverley is most probably done talking to him, even if they both are all by themselves in a jacuzzi.
GrinningFool 12y ago
Upvoted because the suggestions are so bad that they merit discussion. As someone who, growing up, decided to break out of the introvert pattern by applying such non sequiturs as suggested, I can tell you truly that the only thing such a tactic will do is get you labelled as weird ;) Also: “What’s your story?” Sounds only one step removed from: "What's your problem?"
- jonnathanson 12y ago
  There is a non-creepy, non-awkward, inoffensive way to deliver "What's your story," and maybe one person in every 100 is capable of pulling it off. Not for the beginning small talker. This is, like, postgrad-level small talk, where you're being tongue-in-cheek about your small talk, and using playful small talk to call attention to itself.
- atrilumen 12y ago
  But isn't it better to be weird than to be boring? I'm just flat out socially retarded, and desperately lonely. Reading this, I felt a twinge of excitement at the suggestion that I might break out of the box with a little creativity. I kind of took it as saying, "don't be afraid to be weird". I think my fear of revealing how crazy I am probably accounts for a good deal of what holds me back. The idea of it being okay to be weird, or at least, unexpectedly thoughtful and inquisitive, seems a rather hopeful one. (Sadly, I'm absolutely clueless as to whether that's actually the case.)
  - disputin 12y ago
    The outgoing people you meet will have met many people, including crazier than you. The crazy people you meet might think you're normal, or be happy to have met another crazy. I was stalked for a year - I bet I wouldn't think you're crazy.
  - GrinningFool 12y ago
    Possibly. I think a lot of it depends on the people you're trying it with. It's probably a safe assumption that the peer group I tried it with then (high school) reacted quite a bit differently than my current peer group would (largely very intelligent coworkers).
lucasnemeth 12y ago
These will just show you are too much full of yourself and trying too hard to be funny.
yamaneko 12y ago
Most suggestions were given by Phoebe Buffay.
skierscott 12y ago
While most of these suggestions are terrible, think of the message they're trying to send: ask open ended questions that promote discussion and answer with real answers. On asking open ended questions, I have a few questions I always fall back to. If meeting someone new, I ask "If you had to describe your life in one sentence, what would it be?". In an silent pause with friends I'll ask "if you had $10,000 and couldn't don anything rational, what would you spend it on?". On answering with real answers, I do just that. If asked how your day is going, say how you really feel instead of "good". Often this opens up a deeper discussion, but you can always choose to say "good" if that's socially appropriate.
- grrowl 12y ago
  "Hypothetically, if you were to launder $500,000, how would you want to do it?"
- seba_dos1 12y ago
  "I have no idea, give me a few hours to think about it" :P
soneca 12y ago
I think any smart conversation should start, at least, on the second question. A "How are you?" and "What's your name?" are great first questions. Don't bother finding very clever alternatives. But pay attention to how people respond to it. You can sense if they are in a hurry, worried about other things, not interested at all in you as a person, etc. In these cases, just leave it. Not every conversation must be the most smart and productive one. And not every person is worthy your effort (specially those don't even bother to look at you when you are talking). But if there is room, then you can start with clever, original questions. But the second question, should also sounds friendly, not creepy. The best way to do this I think it is to make a subtle compliment. A try might be "You look like an artist,what kind of artist are you? I would guess painter/singer/writer". Or funny self-awareness "Do you think people who make small talk with strangers are annoying?". Then you assess again the reactions... and hopefully a smarter conversation begins.
- darkmighty 12y ago
  Smalltalk is often smalltalk because we don't want to waste mental bandwidth with the conversation and yet don't want to offend. I agree that probing this state is exactly why we should use brand conversation starters, unless you are clearly in a position where you might want to talk. That's probably difficult to see for a comedian, since he's never wasting mental bandwidth with conversations -- it's the thing they do!
- seba_dos1 12y ago
  "(specially those don't even bother to look at you when you are talking)" I often look mostly at the floor or at the sky when listening or talking to someone. It usually helps me to concentrate on the content of the conversation - and I noticed that I do that during the most engaging and interesting rather than the most boring ones.
  - soneca 12y ago
    I used it as a proxy. It is easier to notice than to describe both when someone don't want to talk to you in that particular moment or when someone don't really care about you as a person. I am not the kind of guy that looks in the eyes when talking either, but I think there is a kind of not looking that demonstrate you are concentrated on the conversation and a kind of not looking that demonstrate that you are a fly annoying the person.
jdonaldson 12y ago
I was pretty introverted until I figured it was just another form of selfishness. People stress me out, but generally it's just another "mirroring" effect. I'm stressing them out just as badly. Of course things go sideways in that situation.
mrjj 12y ago
I'm sorry but the can't finish this conversation any other way that: Ron: How was your flight? Carlos: I’d be more intrigued by an airline where your ticket price was based on your body weight and IQ. Ron: Go fuck yourself! Beverly: It’s hot today. Gino: In this dimension, yes. Beverly: Go fuck yourself! Riz: What’s up? Keil: Washing your chicken just splatters the bacteria everywhere. ... Yip, go fuck yourself twice, Riz!
khangnn 12y ago
Can't wait to try this for the next networking event. Being an introvert in this pro-extrovert society makes me feel pretty much a square pegs in round holes

74 points by dmilanp 12y ago

Or just be genuinely interested in people. Everybody has something interesting and if you dig you will find it. If the goal is to make the conversation interesting/smart, it starts with great difficulty because what sounds interesting/smart to one may be just dull/stupid to another. Most people may feel a little reluctant when someone else is digging, but that is only because they have grown an instinct to honestly disbelieve anyone may be truly interested in knowing them for nothing. Since we can't worry how people feel about our little inquiries, we can only ask and be honestly interested in knowing more about others, discovering more.

GrinningFool 12y ago
Except for those who would genuinely want to be honestly interested in learning more, but ... aren't. Because wanting to be interested isn't the same as being interested, and it often shows - creating a conversational awkwardness that's even worse than it otherwise would have been.
- rokhayakebe 12y ago
  Hackers will hack just about everything except their personality even when it can be to their advantage. I do not go to Starbucks with the intention of striking a conversation with strangers and try to find something interesting. I do go out with the intention of talking to whomever I want to talk to even if my second thought after realizing this is negative, and even if I am afraid of others reaction. It fails most of the time, but I think over time I will get better at it.
sabbatic13 12y ago
It seems to me that if someone is just honestly interested in meeting people and hearing whatever about them, then they are by nature rather social and extroverted and scarcely need advice on how to start conversations. For most people who aren't social butterflies, conversations are either simple social gestures or they actually have a point. When they have a point, you should ask what interests you, and if it interests them too, then you've found someone with whom a conversation could be worthwhile.
- mercer 12y ago
  > For most people who aren't social butterflies, conversations are either simple social gestures or they actually have a point. I think that's only partly true. In my life I've gone from extremely shy, 'introverted' and lonely to socially active and 'extraverted'. Both were not optimal and thankfully I think I've found a balance that works for me. An important part of finding that balance was to accept that for a lot of my friends, especially the extraverts, 'simple social gestures' and small-talk type conversations do have a point. They need those. And I'd be a bad friend if I didn't learn to do that occasionally, in the same way that they'd be bad friends if they wouldn't let me monologue about some subject I just spent a week reading about in isolation (where 'bad' means partly 'not a nice person', and partly 'just not a great match as friends).

nostromo 12y ago

These suggestions are dreadful. > Instead of 'Where are you from?' try 'What’s the strangest thing about where you grew up?' > Instead of, 'Yes, it is a beautiful day!' try 'They say that the weather was just like this when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. If that actually happened.' If the goal is to have a pleasant and interesting conversation, dropping non-sequiturs isn't going to get you there. And this is advice for introverts? Many introverts I know would crash and burn using these lines -- they already struggle with being awkward without throwing out, “What would you like your name to mean?”

jiggy2011 12y ago
Yes, these sound almost as bad as pickup artist lines.
DavidAdams 12y ago
I agree with you that for the most part the suggested alternative conversation starters range from pretty bad to hilariously bad. But I was very glad to read this short article because the larger idea put forth in the article is very thought-provoking, and is really good advice. You'll have to use your own creativity to try to spark an interesting conversation, but I feel a little energized by the challenge. Why do you suppose people are so interested by self-help and "life hacks," but in general we're not actually that motivated for self improvement? (see what I did there?)
- rrss1122 12y ago
  It's a much better conversation starter than the suggested ones in the article.
gk1 12y ago
I understood those to be attempts at humor, not actual lines you should use in a conversation. One of the authors is a comedian.
kristofferR 12y ago
Yeah, especially since the first one ("Where are you from?") is pretty easy to use for transitioning the conversation away from small talk and into something more interesting.

seba_dos1 12y ago

Maybe the part with absurd answers could make some sense if done properly (however, mastering the usage of absurd is not easy - there's a thin line between being intriguing and pathetic), but if someone would use this "telling the story" questions during the conversation with me I'd just be annoyed - especially if that would be a stranger. That's some meaningless stuff where you don't even have any slightest idea of where to start when answering, unless you go into absurd as well, which may or may not be the way to go depending on your mood, person you're talking to, etc.

IvyMike 12y ago

> "They say that the weather was just like this when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. If that actually happened." If your goal is to get instantly binned into the same category as 9/11 truthers, moon landing doubters, and holocaust deniers, this might be a good suggestion.

gk1 12y ago
That's supposed to be a joke, not an actual suggested line to use in a conversation.

SuperKlaus 12y ago

If Gino responds to "It's hot today" with "In this dimension, yes." Beverley is most probably done talking to him, even if they both are all by themselves in a jacuzzi.

GrinningFool 12y ago

Upvoted because the suggestions are so bad that they merit discussion. As someone who, growing up, decided to break out of the introvert pattern by applying such non sequiturs as suggested, I can tell you truly that the only thing such a tactic will do is get you labelled as weird ;) Also: “What’s your story?” Sounds only one step removed from: "What's your problem?"

jonnathanson 12y ago
There is a non-creepy, non-awkward, inoffensive way to deliver "What's your story," and maybe one person in every 100 is capable of pulling it off. Not for the beginning small talker. This is, like, postgrad-level small talk, where you're being tongue-in-cheek about your small talk, and using playful small talk to call attention to itself.
atrilumen 12y ago
But isn't it better to be weird than to be boring? I'm just flat out socially retarded, and desperately lonely. Reading this, I felt a twinge of excitement at the suggestion that I might break out of the box with a little creativity. I kind of took it as saying, "don't be afraid to be weird". I think my fear of revealing how crazy I am probably accounts for a good deal of what holds me back. The idea of it being okay to be weird, or at least, unexpectedly thoughtful and inquisitive, seems a rather hopeful one. (Sadly, I'm absolutely clueless as to whether that's actually the case.)
- disputin 12y ago
  The outgoing people you meet will have met many people, including crazier than you. The crazy people you meet might think you're normal, or be happy to have met another crazy. I was stalked for a year - I bet I wouldn't think you're crazy.
- GrinningFool 12y ago
  Possibly. I think a lot of it depends on the people you're trying it with. It's probably a safe assumption that the peer group I tried it with then (high school) reacted quite a bit differently than my current peer group would (largely very intelligent coworkers).

lucasnemeth 12y ago

These will just show you are too much full of yourself and trying too hard to be funny.

yamaneko 12y ago

Most suggestions were given by Phoebe Buffay.

skierscott 12y ago

While most of these suggestions are terrible, think of the message they're trying to send: ask open ended questions that promote discussion and answer with real answers. On asking open ended questions, I have a few questions I always fall back to. If meeting someone new, I ask "If you had to describe your life in one sentence, what would it be?". In an silent pause with friends I'll ask "if you had $10,000 and couldn't don anything rational, what would you spend it on?". On answering with real answers, I do just that. If asked how your day is going, say how you really feel instead of "good". Often this opens up a deeper discussion, but you can always choose to say "good" if that's socially appropriate.

grrowl 12y ago
"Hypothetically, if you were to launder $500,000, how would you want to do it?"
seba_dos1 12y ago
"I have no idea, give me a few hours to think about it" :P

soneca 12y ago

I think any smart conversation should start, at least, on the second question. A "How are you?" and "What's your name?" are great first questions. Don't bother finding very clever alternatives. But pay attention to how people respond to it. You can sense if they are in a hurry, worried about other things, not interested at all in you as a person, etc. In these cases, just leave it. Not every conversation must be the most smart and productive one. And not every person is worthy your effort (specially those don't even bother to look at you when you are talking). But if there is room, then you can start with clever, original questions. But the second question, should also sounds friendly, not creepy. The best way to do this I think it is to make a subtle compliment. A try might be "You look like an artist,what kind of artist are you? I would guess painter/singer/writer". Or funny self-awareness "Do you think people who make small talk with strangers are annoying?". Then you assess again the reactions... and hopefully a smarter conversation begins.

darkmighty 12y ago
Smalltalk is often smalltalk because we don't want to waste mental bandwidth with the conversation and yet don't want to offend. I agree that probing this state is exactly why we should use brand conversation starters, unless you are clearly in a position where you might want to talk. That's probably difficult to see for a comedian, since he's never wasting mental bandwidth with conversations -- it's the thing they do!
seba_dos1 12y ago
"(specially those don't even bother to look at you when you are talking)" I often look mostly at the floor or at the sky when listening or talking to someone. It usually helps me to concentrate on the content of the conversation - and I noticed that I do that during the most engaging and interesting rather than the most boring ones.
- soneca 12y ago
  I used it as a proxy. It is easier to notice than to describe both when someone don't want to talk to you in that particular moment or when someone don't really care about you as a person. I am not the kind of guy that looks in the eyes when talking either, but I think there is a kind of not looking that demonstrate you are concentrated on the conversation and a kind of not looking that demonstrate that you are a fly annoying the person.

jdonaldson 12y ago

I was pretty introverted until I figured it was just another form of selfishness. People stress me out, but generally it's just another "mirroring" effect. I'm stressing them out just as badly. Of course things go sideways in that situation.

mrjj 12y ago

I'm sorry but the can't finish this conversation any other way that: Ron: How was your flight? Carlos: I’d be more intrigued by an airline where your ticket price was based on your body weight and IQ. Ron: Go fuck yourself! Beverly: It’s hot today. Gino: In this dimension, yes. Beverly: Go fuck yourself! Riz: What’s up? Keil: Washing your chicken just splatters the bacteria everywhere. ... Yip, go fuck yourself twice, Riz!

khangnn 12y ago

Can't wait to try this for the next networking event. Being an introvert in this pro-extrovert society makes me feel pretty much a square pegs in round holes