14 ms·

The 33-year-old virgin: Life without sex is only torturous if you let it be

76 points by DLay 12y ago

adamrights 12y ago
I find it hard to believe a "stand-up comic, writer and director from Astoria, NY" that "hangs out" in the night scene has not met friends that will sleep with him just for the sake of giving him some experience -- out of philo-love motivation, because having spent a fair bit of time in the area, there are quite a few people who would feel sleeping with a friend in this need is just the right thing to do.
- Nanzikambe 12y ago
  TFA says he decided long ago that since he's waited this long, he can wait a little longer so that the first woman that sleeps with him cares for him. So I guess that excludes the well intentioned mercy fuck. I see his logic, but I can't help but think that's a barrier, after all how will someone ever care for you if there's this gigantic barrier from the get go. I'm not female, but tbh I'd see as being as weird as finding out your date is some sort a member of a sec or a drooling fundamentalist.
  - kaitai 12y ago
    As a woman who has dated only nerds, being a virgin is not a barrier/problem at all. It is sweet to be with a guy who hasn't just slept around. (Not totally dissing the guys who have, but it's just not everyone's type!)
    - nickonline 12y ago
      But the barrier might not be on the females side, he's waited 33 years, how does he decide after 33 years that this time it is worth it.
drblast 12y ago
The thought occurred to me while reading this that there are probably lots of 33-year-old non-virgins who nevertheless have not had the caring relationship this man wants. I think the sex is irrelevant. Although I'd have to advise this guy to just go get laid so it's not a sticking point in his relationships. And it's just fun. Go have fun with someone. It's sex, not a rocket launch.
- colmvp 12y ago
  Not that I think you are implying this but it's not easy for everyone to get laid. I could elaborate on that point but my thinking is that this submission is going to get kicked off the front page so it seems futile. Also if you read his story he writes: "Every girl I’ve ever cared for has rejected me." So it's not like he didn't try.
  - deleted 12y ago
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  - c23gooey 12y ago
    yet then he goes on to say his last big rejection was 15 years ago. if he is holding on to the hurt from that long ago, im not surprised there is no one who wants to get intimate with him.
    - 2muchcoffeeman 12y ago
      To be fair, most women are probably not going to reject you in front of tens of other people, frame you for a bomb scare and then call your mom to say that that they hung out with you out of pity. His standards for 'big' are perhaps higher than yours or mine.
    - colmvp 12y ago
      Last big rejection != last rejection
- dpeck 12y ago
  That is actually pretty terrible advice for a lot of people. Not everyone can/wants to separate sex from intimacy and that can lead to quite a few problems as well.
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NYCHacker 12y ago
Are there a lot of virgins on here or something? Why is this on the front page?
- a3voices 12y ago
  Sex (or lack of it) is something everyone can relate to.
- codexon 12y ago
  Well let's see. - The surplus of males in Silicon Valley is a rather well known thing. NYC has the opposite problem. - CS/Engineering majors also have this problem. - Many in the tech industry label themselves as having aspergers. There's a startup trying to take advantage of this problem. http://blogs.marketwatch.com/themargin/2014/03/07/dating-start-up-wants-to-fly-new-york-women-to-san-francisco-to-meet-guys/ http://blogs.marketwatch.com/themargin/2014/03/07/dating-sta...
  - NYCHacker 12y ago
    I'm not saying it's not an issue. I just didn't find the article informative in any way. And I was jokingly poking fun at the HN community, which obviously seemed to hit home to a lot of people. I think it's a fascinating issue. Personally I would never move to the Bay Area mainly due to the huge imbalance in male/female ratio. Not that NYC is heaven in terms of dating/sex life. I definitely don't get laid left and right. But at least the opportunity is there if I so chose to pursue it (which unfortunately since I'm a dude, involves work. I wish I could just set up an OkCupid profile and filter out a maxed-out inbox of requests).
    - codexon 12y ago
      The weather is much nicer in the Bay Area, and people don't look down on you if you are living on ramen while your investment bank buddies are raking it in.
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adamconroy 12y ago
I think he should just get laid already. His idea of doing it with someone who cares is fraught, as there is a good chance he will get dumped and it will be crushing because of his circumstances, and because it wont mean as much to his first partner there will be a power imbalance in the relationship. He may also be so smitten that he ends up marrying the first one even if she isn't the right choice. Once in this marriage he will soon be regretting not having other experiences.
- a3voices 12y ago
  I think he should just get laid already. Much easier said than done. I would advise him to talk to lots of women and connect with them, and try to build something meaningful with one. If that happens, sex will also inevitably.
parennoob 12y ago
Asexuality is a real thing. I'm hypothesizing that this guy might be asexual. Asexuality is cool, whatever sexual orientation you are; you are that and you should carry it proudly. Alternatively (and I think this is more probable), he also sounds like a person who is neck-deep in inner shame about his virginity, and is rationalizing it saying, "Oh, but at least I'm not a misogynistic slob [his words]." But I fail to see how this article is not tantamount to thrusting your own sexual preferences onto someone else's. The majority of guys I know are not asexual, and would not be cool being a virgin at 33 (nor would most of HN's male readership IMO; maybe we should have a poll to see). I see close parallels here with an article by some wacko saying, "Being gay is only a thing if you let it be. See how I suppressed my homosexuality?" tl;dr -- Being a virgin at 33 is okay for you, and that's cool. But for a lot of men, being a 33-year old virgin is going to be tortuous. And that's okay too, you probably shouldn't be telling them "it's like that only if you let it be."
- 34yearold 12y ago
  I am a 34-year old male virgin. There's nothing bad about this. You guys make way too big a deal about it. I always here people talk about sex like they'll die without it, but it's just not that important.
  - haberdash 12y ago
    28 here. I find it interesting that you're not interested in it at all. There's that saying: "a man can go his whole life without an orgasm, but if he goes a month without a bowel movement he'll die." It's true that it's not required to live. I feel a bit empty without a significant other, though.
    - 34yearold 12y ago
      It's not that I'm not interested. I have a sex drive, of course. I have considered that it might be in 'idle' rather than 'overdrive' as some appear to be. I don't really obsess over it, nor am I searching about desperately. I can't say that I feel empty. Other people don't define me, I am complete in and of myself. I have had girlfriends, but things never really went anywhere.
delish 12y ago
this is great testimony. it's tragically common for people to let one shameful fact define them. I find myself thinking, "i have such weird interests; when i try to explain them to others, i always fail, and feel alienated." that's my analogue to being-a-virgin; often i let my "I am weird" be my reason to stay in on weekends, to deny my friends my company without giving a good reason. i have to actively tell myself, "people often like me. they don't judge me [nearly] as harshly as i judge myself. they see me differently than i see myself." i sympathize with this guy.
- 34yearold 12y ago
  I'm a 34-year old virgin. I don't think that being one is shameful, though I understand that others do for whatever strange reason.
  - xor-ed-wolf 12y ago
    I am in the same boat. Don't see what is wrong with not having sex if I feel comfortable as it is. It looks for me as those people that gone crazy without sex are the same ones that would have gone crazy even with it.
andyl 12y ago
My $.02 - drop the expectations and the mental self-talk. Just do it. Have fun and give your partner respect and compassion, no matter what, whether your time together is short or long. Repeat. Learn by doing.
TEENEE 12y ago
In a day of age full of diseases ...go out and get laid is bad advice! Self love is the best advice and safest! To learn about your own likes and pleasres to teach to a partner in love and with mutual respect!
pramalin 12y ago
Someone like him would be treated as a most eligible bachelor in Indian circles. I know an American girl who is happily married to an Indian she selected through online matrimonial sites. Considering Indian's family values, that may be a good option for him as well.
nybblet 12y ago
The article is too hard to analyze in terms of actionable advice, so to speak---too many factors that confound analysis of the author's position---but these comments are fascinating. It seems that to many people, sex is just a way to pleasure themselves, or just a status symbol. And if their partners are fine with that, then by all means they should indulge. Some other people, though, don't want to use other people just to pleasure themselves without intending to commit to anything greater. And if their partners are fine with that, then by all means they should refrain. This view of, indeed fixation with, sex---as a "coming of age," as a way to preen socially, as a tool for pleasure---relegates to a position at most secondary the value of a genuine and meaningful relationship. Ultimately, though, it's a matter of priorities: people should choose what they value. Logically and from experience, many people who have casual sex with people who are fine with having casual sex end up in casual relationships. And in a similar vein, I happen to know a lot of women---and men---who would be extremely reluctant to enter into a relationship with anyone who slept around casually, and would much rather be with someone who waited until they already had a meaningful relationship. As someone mentioned, after all, if a meaningful relationship founded on more than desire for pleasure (which focuses on the self) or even lust (which does include the other person) exists, surprise surprise: a natural desire for sex will probably follow. And probably the sex will be longer and better.
- deleted 12y ago
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  - nybblet 12y ago
    Sure; my main point is that sex should not the main point, because by focusing on that it's easy to lose sight of much else that some people actually value.
- neolefty 12y ago
  It's only somewhat exciting, but it's his life, and I think it represents an unusual contrast: He's sexually un-accomplished (a virgin at 33) but also creatively accomplished (a successful comic & scriptwriter). That contrast, plus the candid description of his life and good writing, make it accessible and appealing. Disclaimer: I also love /r/mildlyinteresting
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Jtsummers 12y ago
> I’ve seen women I liked sleep with my friends behind my back. In fact one did that on my 22nd birthday. I was depressed as hell the next day. If I could I'd ask this guy some questions: Did you ever ask any of these women out? Did your friend know your interest was more than a simple crush? If the answer to either of these questions is no, then one or both of those individuals are faultless here. And if the answer is yes, did she reject you already? Did he let you know that he, too, was interested in her? Then you needed to consider moving on or moving in faster (and possibly being rejected, but that's life). Folks, if you're in this or a similar situation (years of chastity and no relationships, if not virginity) then just consider what you're doing. Do you ever express your interest? Do you shy away from the one you're interested in when you finally happen to be seated at dinner next to them? Take that time to get to know them. Then ask them out. If they say no, move on. It's not easy, and it's not instant, but it has to be done for your own mental health. Please do not get hung up on someone for years, look around you. If you're a decent person someone is interested in you. Pay attention. Do they laugh at your stupid jokes? Do they, a non-technical person, find your interest in math fascinating? Are they always trying to go to the same things you do, asking to carpool? Realize, you probably do the same thing with the person you have a crush on. If you can't find them in your current social circle, expand it. Start going to trivia at a local sports bar. Talk to the other teams, be friendly, get to know more people. Go play a team sport. Host parties, go to parties. But, if you follow the other advice in this thread to just get laid, try not to get too heady about it. Realize that if it takes you just a few days or a few hours from meeting someone to sleeping with them, it's probably not going to be longterm. Let that experience happen and clear your head and get out there.
_throw_away_321 12y ago
23-year-old virgin reporting in for HN statistics.
parag_c_mehta 12y ago
Seriously buddy you are missing out on a lot of fun!
throwaway24235 12y ago
30 here. Just for the purpose of stats and to give some idea of who is writing this since it's a throwaway and I'm not willing to link to my social profiles (you'll just have to trust me), I have always gotten quite a bit of female attention, even more now as age has done me well I'd say. I get quite a few "first messages" (they initiated conversation) from attractive women on certain dating sites. With that out of the way, I'm also a "traditional virgin" at the moment. I say that because there's more than one sex act, and therefore more than one kind of virginity. The why for me has nothing to do with looks or personality, it's more a combination of not wanting to be too close with certain girls/women I was seeing when I was younger, life circumstances, etc. I also don't see sex as a casual thing, it's very much a relationship intimacy thing for me, emotionally. I also don't see virginity as something to "get rid of" as fast as possible, so I simply haven't worried about it all that much. I don't fit the "unattractive, awkward virgin" category even a little bit, so perhaps I can offer some experience on what the women I've dated actually think about being a virgin at this age when the other factors are removed. The women I've been seeing and dating recently have varied opinions about it, as you'd expect. One woman had a very negative opinion of anyone who was still a virgin beyond their mid 20s (even her female friends). We knew each other very well so I can say that she was looking for experience, did not want to have to "train" someone, etc. I had to stop seeing her for other reasons (read: run) before this particular "I'm a virgin" conversation ever took place though. I imagine it would have gone poorly. Another woman I'm actively seeing simply does not care about my being a virgin. At all. This isn't uncommon. Another thinks it's "admirable" (I think partly because I told her the same thing I said in the 3rd paragraph). That reaction isn't too uncommon either in my experience. In my experience (n = < 20), some women will care (a lot, and reject you for it), some won't. It isn't going to be a problem with everyone, and as long as you aren't clueless (educate yourself...) and don't think sex is exactly like porn, it will just be slightly awkward rather than a total nightmare for both of you.
dllthomas 12y ago
This seems to be generalizing (and possibly moralizing) from one person's experience, which is always dangerous. This clearly establishes that some people get along fine without sex, for some definition of fine. That is an important point, and probably something we need better social understanding of. It does not establish that this is true of all people and those bothered just need to suck it up. Though it should go without saying that shooting people (or rape or even manipulation) is not an appropriate response.
Jugurtha 12y ago
Some things need to be said: It seems that in the U.S., people give way too much importance to losing their V-card. It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous partly because most people who laugh at virgins aren't getting laid that much at all. I mean, I'd bet the majority have only been with less than like 15 or 20 partners. Heck, I'd bet it's even less than that, and the harder the person makes fun of virgins, the lower the number of partners they've had. There's a kind of empathy one gets after stopping to count, and most people don't have it. So it's ridiculous to make fun of a virgin, because, well, we all have been virgins at some fucking point in life. The irony about this is that it becomes really important to the point where it reeks out of every port, and usually, girls don't hook up with guys who are that desperate to get laid. They get laid with guys who are horny, yes, but not desperate. Someone who gets laid regularly is horny but not desperate. He likes sex and knows he can get it anywhere. And the problem is that virgins let themselves be judged by people with whom they're only separated by few nights. Okay, this having been said.. If this guy was trying to abstain, I'd understand. And even then (when you are actively abstaining, it's hard). What I want to say is this: This guy wouldn't mind sex, so where's the problem? He's not deformed as to make it hard for him. It's not that looks don't help, but looks amplify one's ability to get laid: They get you on the table, it's up to you to close. I know several very good looking dudes who struggle to have sex, while we live in a city where it's easier to get laid than to find a public toilet. Girls notice them, they give them the eye, etc, but they're clueless and don't know what to make of it. Looks amplify ability. If it's 0, it's really hard to get anywhere. The guy isn't ugly, he can help himself though by getting back to reality: The last rejection he had was in 1999. That's 15 years ago.. I think it's a lot. Revolutions for Independence lasted less. One of the main problems guys who struggle with this stuff is that they dwell waaaaaaaaay too much on an experience you shouldn't take that seriously. Many guys take this shit way too seriously. He's interested in a girl, she isn't interested in him. Period. Where's the problem? It's not 100% personal. Just move on. They take it directly to heart and feel it is a deep critique of who they are, of their own person. It's just the way it is, and you mustn't accord any importance to it, unles...: Most girls aren't interested in you. This is not normal. If you're average looking, then at least like 50% of girls wouldn't mind getting to know you. If you are hot, this percentage rises. Take a movie star, most girls wouldn't mind getting to know them, and _yet_, you'd find girls who find a popular good looking actor not attractive. That's the beauty of it. There is enough for all tastes. From the percentage of people who wouldn't mind getting with you, there's a sub-category of people who would _definitely_ want to be with you. If _most_ people don't even consider being with him, this would indicate something deeper. But I doubt it is as bad as he describes, because who knows all people to know most people. So most is only as big as how many people you talk with, and for a guy whom the last rejection dates to 1999, I doubt it's a lot of people. Everybody gets laid, it's the easiest thing and it can make your life miserable if you don't have the discipline to say no, because you wouldn't be able to get anything done. So there's definitely something he's doing wrong. Also, it's a probability thing: If his day to day life doesn't involve interacting with women, it's going to be hard. It's going to be "something". Like it would be an event to chat up some girl: It shouldn't be. If it's an event, it's stressful. If it's stressful, it's avoided. If it's avoided, it won't happen. If it doesn't happen, he won't get laid. If he doesn't get laid, it becomes hard. If it becomes hard, he gives up. If he gives up, he won't even bother chat with girls. If the last rejection happened 15 years ago, it's no wonder he hasn't had a girlfriend. It's logic. I mean, he could be the most awesome person on the entire Earth, if he's home, no girl will hear of him. If he's not out there, no girl would be able to see how awesome he is. That's akin to building the greatest product in your basement, and not getting it out there. It's unheard of and people can't benefit from it. Also, there's the notion that I, as a non U.S. person notice: It seems (from what I saw) that there's this mindset that men think women are "giving them" something when they have sex. This irks me. Many people fail to really notice what goes on in an interaction. I mean, people interested in start-ups should be getting laid left and right, because they understand concepts like failing early, like iterating, etc.. And they understand concepts like: Minimum Viable Fucking Product. There's a minimum to have to get laid. Strip it out. Make it happen, add features. Features definitely help, but if the product "does" the deed, it's a win. A good question is: If I were a hot girl, would I be interested in me? This is a really hard question that seems really easy in a Peter Thiel way. Everyone thinks this question is easy, while it's very hard. In a Feynman way, too, as it's really easy to fool ourselves. You talk to a guy nobody would touch to save the planet, he thinks he's desirable. Is that backed? Nope. 100 girls reject him and he still sees no problem in himself, it's the girls' problem for they're _insert favorite curse here to justify non-existing sex life_. You gotta be realistic. If you had a sister, who would you want her to be with? I mean, there are some standards for fuck sake. And I know this post would get down-voted like crazy, because it touches a nerve. But bear in mind that that thing lady-men have, it's due to experience. It's due to failing early and often. It's due to dusting it off and not taking it seriously. It's due to them learning their lessons each time they interact with a girl. There's the other thing that, well, most dudes are chodes. Like a lot of dudes would get clingy because they're not getting laid enough. Okay, I'm just rambling and all. Anyway, as a conclusion: Sex isn't a big deal. It's rather easy when you unclutter the way you look at it, and if you're willing to do the work early on. If you're willing to expand your envelope, fail early and often to see that finally: It's not that bad. Nothing happened when a girl didn't find you attractive. The first times it happens, it's actually liberating. And if you are in his situation. If you are a virgin, then don't feel the pressure from someone who'd have gotten laid the same as you in a relatively short period of time. The pressure doesn't exist. It's just mental masturbation from people who've done nothing worthwhile in their life (I mean, gotta be a loser to make a virgin self conscious of not doing something, especially if you struggled with it yourself). Just be cool with it. Own it. Heck there are some girls who get turned on popping your cherry (there's a reason some dudes pretend they're virgins with some girls, but it takes practice to spot who'd smell blood and go for the kill, and who'd find it weird). Just chill, it's no big deal. Chat up people, not just girls. Try to take it somewhere. Do something with your life (actually getting shit done, having accomplishments is a major turn on for girls. I don't have that, but people who have their shit together are really attractive). Have something in your life that's way more important than getting laid, and paradoxically, getting laid will be even more easier. Though it's tricky: Don't feel bitter, or cloak yourself in an attitude of "Pfff, I don't care about sex". Don't lie to your self. Own that shit. It's also attractive to be able to tell someone straight: "I'm a bit intimidated/nervous". I mean, God it just dissipates the thing right away, as if having the balls to admit your "weakness moment" makes it disappear. Take advantage of physical constraints: On the subway, on the street, in the line. Talk to people. You'd be amazed what would happen. I say good morning and smile to people I cross eyes with, it's great to spread a good vibe. Life is good. You meet different people, etc. Anyone who tells you old ladies aren't fun never lived :P

76 points by DLay 12y ago

I find it hard to believe a "stand-up comic, writer and director from Astoria, NY" that "hangs out" in the night scene has not met friends that will sleep with him just for the sake of giving him some experience -- out of philo-love motivation, because having spent a fair bit of time in the area, there are quite a few people who would feel sleeping with a friend in this need is just the right thing to do.

Nanzikambe 12y ago
TFA says he decided long ago that since he's waited this long, he can wait a little longer so that the first woman that sleeps with him cares for him. So I guess that excludes the well intentioned mercy fuck. I see his logic, but I can't help but think that's a barrier, after all how will someone ever care for you if there's this gigantic barrier from the get go. I'm not female, but tbh I'd see as being as weird as finding out your date is some sort a member of a sec or a drooling fundamentalist.
- kaitai 12y ago
  As a woman who has dated only nerds, being a virgin is not a barrier/problem at all. It is sweet to be with a guy who hasn't just slept around. (Not totally dissing the guys who have, but it's just not everyone's type!)
  - nickonline 12y ago
    But the barrier might not be on the females side, he's waited 33 years, how does he decide after 33 years that this time it is worth it.

drblast 12y ago

The thought occurred to me while reading this that there are probably lots of 33-year-old non-virgins who nevertheless have not had the caring relationship this man wants. I think the sex is irrelevant. Although I'd have to advise this guy to just go get laid so it's not a sticking point in his relationships. And it's just fun. Go have fun with someone. It's sex, not a rocket launch.

colmvp 12y ago
Not that I think you are implying this but it's not easy for everyone to get laid. I could elaborate on that point but my thinking is that this submission is going to get kicked off the front page so it seems futile. Also if you read his story he writes: "Every girl I’ve ever cared for has rejected me." So it's not like he didn't try.
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- c23gooey 12y ago
  yet then he goes on to say his last big rejection was 15 years ago. if he is holding on to the hurt from that long ago, im not surprised there is no one who wants to get intimate with him.
  - 2muchcoffeeman 12y ago
    To be fair, most women are probably not going to reject you in front of tens of other people, frame you for a bomb scare and then call your mom to say that that they hung out with you out of pity. His standards for 'big' are perhaps higher than yours or mine.
  - colmvp 12y ago
    Last big rejection != last rejection
dpeck 12y ago
That is actually pretty terrible advice for a lot of people. Not everyone can/wants to separate sex from intimacy and that can lead to quite a few problems as well.

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NYCHacker 12y ago

Are there a lot of virgins on here or something? Why is this on the front page?

a3voices 12y ago
Sex (or lack of it) is something everyone can relate to.
codexon 12y ago
Well let's see. - The surplus of males in Silicon Valley is a rather well known thing. NYC has the opposite problem. - CS/Engineering majors also have this problem. - Many in the tech industry label themselves as having aspergers. There's a startup trying to take advantage of this problem. http://blogs.marketwatch.com/themargin/2014/03/07/dating-start-up-wants-to-fly-new-york-women-to-san-francisco-to-meet-guys/ http://blogs.marketwatch.com/themargin/2014/03/07/dating-sta...
- NYCHacker 12y ago
  I'm not saying it's not an issue. I just didn't find the article informative in any way. And I was jokingly poking fun at the HN community, which obviously seemed to hit home to a lot of people. I think it's a fascinating issue. Personally I would never move to the Bay Area mainly due to the huge imbalance in male/female ratio. Not that NYC is heaven in terms of dating/sex life. I definitely don't get laid left and right. But at least the opportunity is there if I so chose to pursue it (which unfortunately since I'm a dude, involves work. I wish I could just set up an OkCupid profile and filter out a maxed-out inbox of requests).
  - codexon 12y ago
    The weather is much nicer in the Bay Area, and people don't look down on you if you are living on ramen while your investment bank buddies are raking it in.

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adamconroy 12y ago

I think he should just get laid already. His idea of doing it with someone who cares is fraught, as there is a good chance he will get dumped and it will be crushing because of his circumstances, and because it wont mean as much to his first partner there will be a power imbalance in the relationship. He may also be so smitten that he ends up marrying the first one even if she isn't the right choice. Once in this marriage he will soon be regretting not having other experiences.

a3voices 12y ago
I think he should just get laid already. Much easier said than done. I would advise him to talk to lots of women and connect with them, and try to build something meaningful with one. If that happens, sex will also inevitably.

parennoob 12y ago

Asexuality is a real thing. I'm hypothesizing that this guy might be asexual. Asexuality is cool, whatever sexual orientation you are; you are that and you should carry it proudly. Alternatively (and I think this is more probable), he also sounds like a person who is neck-deep in inner shame about his virginity, and is rationalizing it saying, "Oh, but at least I'm not a misogynistic slob [his words]." But I fail to see how this article is not tantamount to thrusting your own sexual preferences onto someone else's. The majority of guys I know are not asexual, and would not be cool being a virgin at 33 (nor would most of HN's male readership IMO; maybe we should have a poll to see). I see close parallels here with an article by some wacko saying, "Being gay is only a thing if you let it be. See how I suppressed my homosexuality?" tl;dr -- Being a virgin at 33 is okay for you, and that's cool. But for a lot of men, being a 33-year old virgin is going to be tortuous. And that's okay too, you probably shouldn't be telling them "it's like that only if you let it be."

34yearold 12y ago
I am a 34-year old male virgin. There's nothing bad about this. You guys make way too big a deal about it. I always here people talk about sex like they'll die without it, but it's just not that important.
- haberdash 12y ago
  28 here. I find it interesting that you're not interested in it at all. There's that saying: "a man can go his whole life without an orgasm, but if he goes a month without a bowel movement he'll die." It's true that it's not required to live. I feel a bit empty without a significant other, though.
  - 34yearold 12y ago
    It's not that I'm not interested. I have a sex drive, of course. I have considered that it might be in 'idle' rather than 'overdrive' as some appear to be. I don't really obsess over it, nor am I searching about desperately. I can't say that I feel empty. Other people don't define me, I am complete in and of myself. I have had girlfriends, but things never really went anywhere.

delish 12y ago

this is great testimony. it's tragically common for people to let one shameful fact define them. I find myself thinking, "i have such weird interests; when i try to explain them to others, i always fail, and feel alienated." that's my analogue to being-a-virgin; often i let my "I am weird" be my reason to stay in on weekends, to deny my friends my company without giving a good reason. i have to actively tell myself, "people often like me. they don't judge me [nearly] as harshly as i judge myself. they see me differently than i see myself." i sympathize with this guy.

34yearold 12y ago
I'm a 34-year old virgin. I don't think that being one is shameful, though I understand that others do for whatever strange reason.
- xor-ed-wolf 12y ago
  I am in the same boat. Don't see what is wrong with not having sex if I feel comfortable as it is. It looks for me as those people that gone crazy without sex are the same ones that would have gone crazy even with it.

andyl 12y ago

My $.02 - drop the expectations and the mental self-talk. Just do it. Have fun and give your partner respect and compassion, no matter what, whether your time together is short or long. Repeat. Learn by doing.

TEENEE 12y ago

In a day of age full of diseases ...go out and get laid is bad advice! Self love is the best advice and safest! To learn about your own likes and pleasres to teach to a partner in love and with mutual respect!

pramalin 12y ago

Someone like him would be treated as a most eligible bachelor in Indian circles. I know an American girl who is happily married to an Indian she selected through online matrimonial sites. Considering Indian's family values, that may be a good option for him as well.

nybblet 12y ago

The article is too hard to analyze in terms of actionable advice, so to speak---too many factors that confound analysis of the author's position---but these comments are fascinating. It seems that to many people, sex is just a way to pleasure themselves, or just a status symbol. And if their partners are fine with that, then by all means they should indulge. Some other people, though, don't want to use other people just to pleasure themselves without intending to commit to anything greater. And if their partners are fine with that, then by all means they should refrain. This view of, indeed fixation with, sex---as a "coming of age," as a way to preen socially, as a tool for pleasure---relegates to a position at most secondary the value of a genuine and meaningful relationship. Ultimately, though, it's a matter of priorities: people should choose what they value. Logically and from experience, many people who have casual sex with people who are fine with having casual sex end up in casual relationships. And in a similar vein, I happen to know a lot of women---and men---who would be extremely reluctant to enter into a relationship with anyone who slept around casually, and would much rather be with someone who waited until they already had a meaningful relationship. As someone mentioned, after all, if a meaningful relationship founded on more than desire for pleasure (which focuses on the self) or even lust (which does include the other person) exists, surprise surprise: a natural desire for sex will probably follow. And probably the sex will be longer and better.

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- nybblet 12y ago
  Sure; my main point is that sex should not the main point, because by focusing on that it's easy to lose sight of much else that some people actually value.
neolefty 12y ago
It's only somewhat exciting, but it's his life, and I think it represents an unusual contrast: He's sexually un-accomplished (a virgin at 33) but also creatively accomplished (a successful comic & scriptwriter). That contrast, plus the candid description of his life and good writing, make it accessible and appealing. Disclaimer: I also love /r/mildlyinteresting

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Jtsummers 12y ago

> I’ve seen women I liked sleep with my friends behind my back. In fact one did that on my 22nd birthday. I was depressed as hell the next day. If I could I'd ask this guy some questions: Did you ever ask any of these women out? Did your friend know your interest was more than a simple crush? If the answer to either of these questions is no, then one or both of those individuals are faultless here. And if the answer is yes, did she reject you already? Did he let you know that he, too, was interested in her? Then you needed to consider moving on or moving in faster (and possibly being rejected, but that's life). Folks, if you're in this or a similar situation (years of chastity and no relationships, if not virginity) then just consider what you're doing. Do you ever express your interest? Do you shy away from the one you're interested in when you finally happen to be seated at dinner next to them? Take that time to get to know them. Then ask them out. If they say no, move on. It's not easy, and it's not instant, but it has to be done for your own mental health. Please do not get hung up on someone for years, look around you. If you're a decent person someone is interested in you. Pay attention. Do they laugh at your stupid jokes? Do they, a non-technical person, find your interest in math fascinating? Are they always trying to go to the same things you do, asking to carpool? Realize, you probably do the same thing with the person you have a crush on. If you can't find them in your current social circle, expand it. Start going to trivia at a local sports bar. Talk to the other teams, be friendly, get to know more people. Go play a team sport. Host parties, go to parties. But, if you follow the other advice in this thread to just get laid, try not to get too heady about it. Realize that if it takes you just a few days or a few hours from meeting someone to sleeping with them, it's probably not going to be longterm. Let that experience happen and clear your head and get out there.

_throw_away_321 12y ago

23-year-old virgin reporting in for HN statistics.

parag_c_mehta 12y ago

Seriously buddy you are missing out on a lot of fun!

throwaway24235 12y ago

30 here. Just for the purpose of stats and to give some idea of who is writing this since it's a throwaway and I'm not willing to link to my social profiles (you'll just have to trust me), I have always gotten quite a bit of female attention, even more now as age has done me well I'd say. I get quite a few "first messages" (they initiated conversation) from attractive women on certain dating sites. With that out of the way, I'm also a "traditional virgin" at the moment. I say that because there's more than one sex act, and therefore more than one kind of virginity. The why for me has nothing to do with looks or personality, it's more a combination of not wanting to be too close with certain girls/women I was seeing when I was younger, life circumstances, etc. I also don't see sex as a casual thing, it's very much a relationship intimacy thing for me, emotionally. I also don't see virginity as something to "get rid of" as fast as possible, so I simply haven't worried about it all that much. I don't fit the "unattractive, awkward virgin" category even a little bit, so perhaps I can offer some experience on what the women I've dated actually think about being a virgin at this age when the other factors are removed. The women I've been seeing and dating recently have varied opinions about it, as you'd expect. One woman had a very negative opinion of anyone who was still a virgin beyond their mid 20s (even her female friends). We knew each other very well so I can say that she was looking for experience, did not want to have to "train" someone, etc. I had to stop seeing her for other reasons (read: run) before this particular "I'm a virgin" conversation ever took place though. I imagine it would have gone poorly. Another woman I'm actively seeing simply does not care about my being a virgin. At all. This isn't uncommon. Another thinks it's "admirable" (I think partly because I told her the same thing I said in the 3rd paragraph). That reaction isn't too uncommon either in my experience. In my experience (n = < 20), some women will care (a lot, and reject you for it), some won't. It isn't going to be a problem with everyone, and as long as you aren't clueless (educate yourself...) and don't think sex is exactly like porn, it will just be slightly awkward rather than a total nightmare for both of you.

dllthomas 12y ago

This seems to be generalizing (and possibly moralizing) from one person's experience, which is always dangerous. This clearly establishes that some people get along fine without sex, for some definition of fine. That is an important point, and probably something we need better social understanding of. It does not establish that this is true of all people and those bothered just need to suck it up. Though it should go without saying that shooting people (or rape or even manipulation) is not an appropriate response.

Jugurtha 12y ago

Some things need to be said: It seems that in the U.S., people give way too much importance to losing their V-card. It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous partly because most people who laugh at virgins aren't getting laid that much at all. I mean, I'd bet the majority have only been with less than like 15 or 20 partners. Heck, I'd bet it's even less than that, and the harder the person makes fun of virgins, the lower the number of partners they've had. There's a kind of empathy one gets after stopping to count, and most people don't have it. So it's ridiculous to make fun of a virgin, because, well, we all have been virgins at some fucking point in life. The irony about this is that it becomes really important to the point where it reeks out of every port, and usually, girls don't hook up with guys who are that desperate to get laid. They get laid with guys who are horny, yes, but not desperate. Someone who gets laid regularly is horny but not desperate. He likes sex and knows he can get it anywhere. And the problem is that virgins let themselves be judged by people with whom they're only separated by few nights. Okay, this having been said.. If this guy was trying to abstain, I'd understand. And even then (when you are actively abstaining, it's hard). What I want to say is this: This guy wouldn't mind sex, so where's the problem? He's not deformed as to make it hard for him. It's not that looks don't help, but looks amplify one's ability to get laid: They get you on the table, it's up to you to close. I know several very good looking dudes who struggle to have sex, while we live in a city where it's easier to get laid than to find a public toilet. Girls notice them, they give them the eye, etc, but they're clueless and don't know what to make of it. Looks amplify ability. If it's 0, it's really hard to get anywhere. The guy isn't ugly, he can help himself though by getting back to reality: The last rejection he had was in 1999. That's 15 years ago.. I think it's a lot. Revolutions for Independence lasted less. One of the main problems guys who struggle with this stuff is that they dwell waaaaaaaaay too much on an experience you shouldn't take that seriously. Many guys take this shit way too seriously. He's interested in a girl, she isn't interested in him. Period. Where's the problem? It's not 100% personal. Just move on. They take it directly to heart and feel it is a deep critique of who they are, of their own person. It's just the way it is, and you mustn't accord any importance to it, unles...: Most girls aren't interested in you. This is not normal. If you're average looking, then at least like 50% of girls wouldn't mind getting to know you. If you are hot, this percentage rises. Take a movie star, most girls wouldn't mind getting to know them, and _yet_, you'd find girls who find a popular good looking actor not attractive. That's the beauty of it. There is enough for all tastes. From the percentage of people who wouldn't mind getting with you, there's a sub-category of people who would _definitely_ want to be with you. If _most_ people don't even consider being with him, this would indicate something deeper. But I doubt it is as bad as he describes, because who knows all people to know most people. So most is only as big as how many people you talk with, and for a guy whom the last rejection dates to 1999, I doubt it's a lot of people. Everybody gets laid, it's the easiest thing and it can make your life miserable if you don't have the discipline to say no, because you wouldn't be able to get anything done. So there's definitely something he's doing wrong. Also, it's a probability thing: If his day to day life doesn't involve interacting with women, it's going to be hard. It's going to be "something". Like it would be an event to chat up some girl: It shouldn't be. If it's an event, it's stressful. If it's stressful, it's avoided. If it's avoided, it won't happen. If it doesn't happen, he won't get laid. If he doesn't get laid, it becomes hard. If it becomes hard, he gives up. If he gives up, he won't even bother chat with girls. If the last rejection happened 15 years ago, it's no wonder he hasn't had a girlfriend. It's logic. I mean, he could be the most awesome person on the entire Earth, if he's home, no girl will hear of him. If he's not out there, no girl would be able to see how awesome he is. That's akin to building the greatest product in your basement, and not getting it out there. It's unheard of and people can't benefit from it. Also, there's the notion that I, as a non U.S. person notice: It seems (from what I saw) that there's this mindset that men think women are "giving them" something when they have sex. This irks me. Many people fail to really notice what goes on in an interaction. I mean, people interested in start-ups should be getting laid left and right, because they understand concepts like failing early, like iterating, etc.. And they understand concepts like: Minimum Viable Fucking Product. There's a minimum to have to get laid. Strip it out. Make it happen, add features. Features definitely help, but if the product "does" the deed, it's a win. A good question is: If I were a hot girl, would I be interested in me? This is a really hard question that seems really easy in a Peter Thiel way. Everyone thinks this question is easy, while it's very hard. In a Feynman way, too, as it's really easy to fool ourselves. You talk to a guy nobody would touch to save the planet, he thinks he's desirable. Is that backed? Nope. 100 girls reject him and he still sees no problem in himself, it's the girls' problem for they're _insert favorite curse here to justify non-existing sex life_. You gotta be realistic. If you had a sister, who would you want her to be with? I mean, there are some standards for fuck sake. And I know this post would get down-voted like crazy, because it touches a nerve. But bear in mind that that thing lady-men have, it's due to experience. It's due to failing early and often. It's due to dusting it off and not taking it seriously. It's due to them learning their lessons each time they interact with a girl. There's the other thing that, well, most dudes are chodes. Like a lot of dudes would get clingy because they're not getting laid enough. Okay, I'm just rambling and all. Anyway, as a conclusion: Sex isn't a big deal. It's rather easy when you unclutter the way you look at it, and if you're willing to do the work early on. If you're willing to expand your envelope, fail early and often to see that finally: It's not that bad. Nothing happened when a girl didn't find you attractive. The first times it happens, it's actually liberating. And if you are in his situation. If you are a virgin, then don't feel the pressure from someone who'd have gotten laid the same as you in a relatively short period of time. The pressure doesn't exist. It's just mental masturbation from people who've done nothing worthwhile in their life (I mean, gotta be a loser to make a virgin self conscious of not doing something, especially if you struggled with it yourself). Just be cool with it. Own it. Heck there are some girls who get turned on popping your cherry (there's a reason some dudes pretend they're virgins with some girls, but it takes practice to spot who'd smell blood and go for the kill, and who'd find it weird). Just chill, it's no big deal. Chat up people, not just girls. Try to take it somewhere. Do something with your life (actually getting shit done, having accomplishments is a major turn on for girls. I don't have that, but people who have their shit together are really attractive). Have something in your life that's way more important than getting laid, and paradoxically, getting laid will be even more easier. Though it's tricky: Don't feel bitter, or cloak yourself in an attitude of "Pfff, I don't care about sex". Don't lie to your self. Own that shit. It's also attractive to be able to tell someone straight: "I'm a bit intimidated/nervous". I mean, God it just dissipates the thing right away, as if having the balls to admit your "weakness moment" makes it disappear. Take advantage of physical constraints: On the subway, on the street, in the line. Talk to people. You'd be amazed what would happen. I say good morning and smile to people I cross eyes with, it's great to spread a good vibe. Life is good. You meet different people, etc. Anyone who tells you old ladies aren't fun never lived :P