8 ms·

> The 55 dates really isn't too hard to do without the hacking, it's just a question of time. That I disagree with, 4 years and hundreds upon hundreds of hours

• justinsteele 13y ago
  Have you had an opposite gender friend review your profile?
  • scarmig 13y ago
    The generally accepted rule is 1) Be attractive and 2) Don't be unattractive. That's more than a bit reductionist, of course, but tweaking your profile text or message texts only helps at the margins, assuming you don't have deal breakers. com2kid isn't going to be getting dozens of inbound messages a month just by revising his profile (sorry, com2kid). (On the other hand, updating your pictures genuinely can give you many, many more views, messages, and responses.)
    • DannyBee 13y ago
      Sorry, but this is just bullshit. It's what guys tell themselves because they can't write reasonable profiles or write non-creepy messages to women. I've read what most guys send my female friends on okcupid. Not just the random idiots, but what i would think would be otherwise intelligent people. It often comes off as desperate or creepy. It's certainly true that it helps to be attractive. But I'm an average looking guy, but i have no problem finding dates on okcupid. I've summarized the average guy profile here: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/RegularOKCGuy?disable_mobile=1 http://www.okcupid.com/profile/RegularOKCGuy?disable_mobile=... (humorously, this profile gets almost as many likes as my real profile) Realistically, have someone of the opposite sex that is the type of person you want to attract, read your profile. Ask them questions about what they like and don't. That will solve your profile problems. As for messages, this is harder.
      • com2kid 13y ago
        > I've summarized the average guy profile here: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/RegularOKCGuy?disable_mobile=.. http://www.okcupid.com/profile/RegularOKCGuy?disable_mobile=.... Annoyingly enough very similar to my profile! :P But yeah. I have a good job, I go to the gym and workout, what the heck else am I expected to do? I'm working my ass off to make a positive impact on the world. Fuck if I am going to drop that so I can be a narcissistic asshole, quit my job, and fly around the world discovering myself. As for the messages I send, I try my best to be original and different, for example, What does make you laugh? The silliness of life? Those who take themselves too seriously, or those who take themselves not seriously at all? Both are amusing in their own way, though I cannot understand why one would pain themselves by taking life seriously! Not to say life is without value, life most certainly has value, and helping others is the noblest of callings. But, well, I own a 5 foot long remote controlled floating dolphin. I gave up on being 100% sane long ago. Technically I am sane, but I do enjoy having fun toying around with things. I also drive a bright orange car! What about yourself? What is your alarm clock set to? I once set my dad's cell phone ringer to a rooster crowing. He was not pleased, although my mother almost fell out of her chair laughing. (My current alarm is Violin music, in all honesty, it is not that good at waking me up!) That message apparently didn't go over very well! Other messages are sent such as Hmm, a good cup of coffee may be easy to find, but I have had to teach myself how to make a good cup of tea! I find the ritual itself can be fairly relaxing. (Depends on the culture of the tea of course, some teas are easier to prepare than others!) Is your work in the heathcare industry on something like replacing old people with robots? Someone should get on that. I know for a fact that the day I turn 60, I want a super strong steel alloy robot body. Actually I might take that offer a bit sooner than 60, it'd be hard to wait! Which also apparently didn't go over well either!
        • deleted 13y ago
          [deleted]
        • mjmahone17 13y ago
          Your messages sound really stilted and like you're really nervous. They jump from one random topic to the next, without actually showing anything uniquely you. > But, well, I own a 5 foot long remote controlled floating dolphin. I gave up on being 100% sane long ago. Technically I am sane, but I do enjoy having fun toying around with things. I also drive a bright orange car! What this says: I own toys, you should know about them! Also, I think I'm "crazy!" And I have an awesome car, look at my success! It makes you sound kind of like you're filling your life with things because you've been socially rejected. If that whole block of indented text was your entire first message, then it's incredibly rambly and full of similar flags. One of my most successful stream of messages went something like this: noticing that my potential date lived in Cambridge, I asked if they had explored the area (they said they were adventurous in their profile). When they responded with "Yeah, I've found some cool stuff", I then asked if they'd found the secret staircase that led to the lair of angry geese on the river? This establishes both that 1. I've actually read their profile, and 2. I have some knowledge they would be interested in, and that they can share in. Here's how I'd rephrase your second message: I noticed from your profile that you enjoy a good cup of tea. Do you make your own, or have you visited a lot of different tea houses? You're not overwhelming the other person with information, just asking a question that, if they've shown an interest, they're generally really happy to expand on. Don't treat your messages like emails or letters, but more like instant messages. Keep them short and easy to respond to, and let the other person tell you some of their story. Edit: Also, don't ask so many things! It's hard enough for someone to want to answer a single question you ask them. Answering 3 or more is too much effort: if they wanted to start answering your first one, but kept reading instead, you've failed to convert, and by the third one they've likely skipped on to someone else's message.
    • Gracana 13y ago
      Plenty of average and unattractive people are in happy relationships. That "rule" is just something that uninteresting people tell themselves to try to avoid taking responsibility for their situation.
      • klipt 13y ago
        So you'd say the real rule is "be interesting"? The problem is there are plenty of people with passionate, interesting lives, but who aren't good at communicating that interest, or have interests that don't appeal to (most of) the opposite sex. In dating, where first impressions are everything, it's often more important to appear interesting than be interesting.
        • nostrademons 13y ago
          The real rule is "be interested". Being interesting follows from that, but being interested is the part you can control. I've found that when people have persistent difficulties finding a partner, it's almost always because they aren't actually interested in the women they date, but have some platonic ideal of a woman that they think they ought to date and so are dating the wrong people.
          • klipt 13y ago
            Sure (I too have read 'How to Win Friends and Influence People') - but that only works if the other person is already interested in you. One sided interest just comes across as creepy.
            • nostrademons 13y ago
              Depends on the context. One-sided interest that's fixated on one particular characteristic comes across as creepy - it's obvious when it's a physical characteristic, but it's also just as creepy to be particularly interested in someone's career, or house, or car, or any other thing. One-sided interest that's diffuse tends to become two-sided interest, because it makes you seem engaged with the world, and that's a very attractive quality for a lot of people. Basically, be interested in everyone and you'll find that everyone is interested in you, while if you're interested in only one person she probably won't be interested in you.
    • com2kid 13y ago
      I don't think I'm ugly[0], but it is hard to be sure! ;) I have a friend of mine who is short (generally considered a disadvantage) and who has one miserable picture, but his messages are good enough that he has a good success rate on OKC. (His messages also violate every guideline, they are at least 5 paragraphs long and very in depth!) The problem is, it is disheartening in the extreme. Spending years going to the gym and getting in shape, get promotions at work, buy a house, all for naught. Doing the math, I figured it'd take me a 3 or 4 dozen dates to get used to socializing with women in a dating environment. The problem is in the last 2 years my success rate at getting dates has plummeted, I used to be able get a date a week w/o issue, now, months upon months of work to get one date. Ugh. This obviously sets back progress of skill acquisition. It is annoying, I am one of those people who is otherwise successful, but the amount of contact I had with women before joining my current team @ work was almost nil, so an entire skillset[1] isn't there. OKC helps because it creates a way by which to meet women (for reference only one of my friends has any contact with women either!), but it involves what distinctly looks like black magic to be successful on it. [0]http://ak2.okccdn.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/150x150/558x800/395x23/1056x684/0/16548340405924187691.jpeg http://ak2.okccdn.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/150x150/... [1]Recognizing non-verbal cross-gender communications. A subset of non-verbal communications in general of course, but there are (thankfully!) now good written resources on general purpose non-verbal communications.
      • mjmahone17 13y ago
        Join a dance program. Your issue seems to be lack of confidence around women in general, not specifically in a dating environment. Get comfortable with your body in an environment where a lot of women are. And don't try to date the women you dance with, at least not initially. Dance is just an easy thing to join: you could also go to underground music venues, join a co-ed softball/volleyball/tae kwon do team, take arts classes at a community college or join a book club at your library.
        • stevewillows 13y ago
          This is fantastic advice! I think dancing above all others will speed up the process of confidence around the ladies.
  • com2kid 13y ago
    Yup, that I have. Everything is so very subjective though, even pictures!
• curt 13y ago
  After I figured out OkCupid I had about a 30%-40% message to date success rate. I've shown friends and while they haven't had quite my success they've drastically increased the number of responses they receive. The key is to keep it simple, 3-4 sentences. First is a funny line about something in her profile to grab her attention, next comment on something shared, finally a funny open ended question. One or two messages later ask her out for drinks. Don't just say "hi" or write a book, that just doesn't work. Now I've been off the market for a couple years so things might have changed but more than likely they haven't.
  • User8712 13y ago
    Agreed, I've used other sites, not OkCupid, but ended up with the same result. I keep it dead simple, write a couple of lines, and if they respond with a hint of interest, I just ask them out for something casual. It works really well. Approaches that failed... 1. Short messages like you said, 'hi, how are you?'. They basically get deleted instantly. 2. Long, thoughtful messages. I'd write a few paragraphs trying to make some jokes, and talk about what we have in common, and then ask a handful of questions about their interests. First problem, it's a lot of time on my end. Secondly, they need to invest a lot of time to respond. It's like those e-mails that you'll get to tomorrow, and then the day after, because you know they're going to be time consuming. Same thing, and eventually, they just say forget it, and never reply. Meanwhile, ask one fun question, and they can reply within a few seconds, and you're more liking to get a response. 3. Trying to keep a conversation rolling before asking them out. It goes downhill fast, and with every message, you risk them disappearing, or someone else grabbing their attention. I've lost count at the number of people I was talking with, everything sounded great after a handful of messages, then they fell off the face of the earth. Once again, ask them out after the first reply, and you don't have to worry about that happening. In short, simple message, ask them out fast, and don't try too hard. Easy for you to write, easy for them to respond.
    • ozim 13y ago
      asking out early for me works opposite way, maybe i am not fancy enough with just offering to grab a coffe together.
• joshfraser 13y ago
  Change your income to say "Greater than 1 million / year". The women will come to you. They might not be the women you want, but it's a much smarter attribute to lie about than say your height which she'll figure out right away.
  • smsm42 13y ago
    I don't think the goal is to get any random women to talk to you. This can be achieved much easier. The goal here is get the specific kind of women - ones that you'd enjoy being with - to notice you and talk to you. It's like "I want to meet a person, any person" (just go out and you're done in about a minute unless you live in a desert) and "I want to find a friend" (that may be a bit harder and may not just work by stopping random strangers and asking them to be your friend, they'd probably think you're panhandling).
    • chronic25 13y ago
      As we've seen on HN, many people have trouble getting even a few dates.
• dobbsbob 13y ago
  In 2008 I did something similar with OkCupid, but for totally different reasons (friends with benefits) but instead I would find a girl I liked, who was also not looking for LTR, then use fake profiles running scripts auto answering every question to find the answers to all the questions she had done since they are normally hidden. I filled out my real profile exactly the same so we would be a 97%+ match. I then would msg them hey we're a match, I'm going to go shopping for clothes at <insert hipster district with lot's of foot traffic> hey do you want to come with? What's your phone#? Never failed. Phone is important because it shows you are serious and have confidence. Messaging back and forth gives the girl time to reject you, or they think you're a time waster. I'd hang out, buy them a bunch of clothes, get a drink, laugh a lot and then have a bunch of sex. Each girl I ended up dating anyways for about a month or so because I had to move so often for work back then, but after getting to know them I found their question answers were largely meaningless, since it's a public site with their identity on it they of course lied and faked almost every question or purposely kept answers conservative in case somebody they worked with spied on their account and discovered their secret fetish or something. This guy's method of mass visiting other accounts and never having to write opening messages is excellent though.
  • gadders 13y ago
    This is why I wish they had the internet when I was dating pre-my married days.