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>6) People settle for less than what they want. Sorry - quick follow up. Many Indians get an "arranged marriage" where you don't really have great expectations

>6) People settle for less than what they want. Sorry - quick follow up. Many Indians get an "arranged marriage" where you don't really have great expectations. However, many of them go on to form happy, stable, marriages. People want to be happy and husbands and wives tend to grow into each other and find ways to be happy.

shader 18y ago
I think this is one of the major reasons that Americans have so many divorces. They marry for the "feelings", and as soon as those change they want out. The Indians marry for more than that - financial support, children, family name, cultural pressure, etc. The end result is that they are interested in making it happen, and are willing to work for that, whereas Americans think that the fact that it might require effort proves that they are "incompatible". Imagine if someone tried to run a startup the way most Americans try to manage their marriages; they wouldn't last a week before they gave up - the "feeling" probably wouldn't be there, and there would be something else they'd rather do. If both you and your spouse want the marriage to work, it can work, whether you "feel" for each other or not. The problem is really when they don't want it to work, and need an excuse.
- dawson 18y ago
  I agree with what you're saying, and would like to point out that I don't think this marriage ethic is America's alone.
- dkarl 18y ago
  Divorce means wasted years, loneliness, traumatized children, and yes, even in America, social stigma. Nobody wants to be on the dating market as a divorcee, because everybody looks at you and wonders what went wrong and what kind of baggage you have. As a never-married guy, I can say that despite my best intentions I view divorcees with suspicion. If you think people take it lightly, then you're wrong. In reality, marriage in America illustrates the blade of freedom cutting in both ways. I would like to point out that traditional marriages, Indian or otherwise, carry very strong expectations about the partners' roles and the structure of their home life. If one partner fulfills his or her economic and social role, the other partner's expectations are fulfilled. In American marriages, there are fewer culturally determined and socially enforced rules on who brings what to a marriage. That creates a disorienting number of possibilities. It is harder for two people to live together when every choice made by one closes off possibilities for the other. In a marriage where tradition has already closed off all possibilities except one (if indeed any other possibilities are imaginable) there is less disappointment and less reason to resent one's spouse. Obviously, it would be nice to have a modern marriage contract, a new set of obligations such that if each spouse fulfills his obligations, then both spouses share a mutually beneficial marriage that supports, rather than hinders, their goals in life. That is what traditional marriages offer, but they are too concrete about household roles and duties. Modern attempts to define marriage are rather abstract and dependent on interpretation; probably that's what bothers you when you say that Americans depend on a "feeling" being there. Modern definitions of marriage are very wishy-washy because there's no concrete division of duties to found them on.
kalid 18y ago
Unfortunately I think it works in the reverse. Cultures that have arranged marriages tend to have fewer women's rights (how easily can the wife initiate the divorce?), social stigmas against divorced women (who would want you?), lack of feasible opportunities (how will you support yourself?), and familial pressure (what would the community say about our family?). It's a bit like how North Korea has a 99% (or is it 101%) landslide win for their leader every election -- lack of visible disagreements don't mean the participants are happy with the outcome.
- visitor4rmindia 18y ago
  I'm not sure what you mean actually. Divorce can be just as easily initiated by the woman as the man. The social stigma and familial pressure is there, of course, but it exists against divorced men as well (although the degree may be less). Plus, if you think there is a lack of visible disagreements in arranged marriages (both happy and unhappy), you should come and stay next to out some of our neighbours. I'm not basing happiness on "lack of visible disagreement". We know our neigbours quite well and it's easy to see who is happy and who isn't. Let me clarify: all I am saying is marriage works if both parties are committed to it. That factor is bigger than "getting what you want" out of it.
wallflower 18y ago
I'm not an Indian, and I felt this video series was illuminating. "First comes marriage, then comes love" "Liz Tuccillo, writer for Sex and the City and co-author of He's Just Not That Into You, asks why is the divorce rate so low in India? She finds out that Indians are taught that happiness is a state of mind. And if you've had an arranged marriage you wed first, and learn to love your husband over time, as you get to know him." http://www.yourtango.com/20086547/first-comes-marriage-then-comes-love http://www.yourtango.com/20086547/first-comes-marriage-then-...
ams6110 18y ago
I don't fully buy into the arranged marriage concept, but won't deny that many of them are successful. I think one thing that probably helps a lot is that "older, wiser" people are looking at attributes of compatibility that younger people can't see in each other yet.

shader 18y ago

I think this is one of the major reasons that Americans have so many divorces. They marry for the "feelings", and as soon as those change they want out. The Indians marry for more than that - financial support, children, family name, cultural pressure, etc. The end result is that they are interested in making it happen, and are willing to work for that, whereas Americans think that the fact that it might require effort proves that they are "incompatible". Imagine if someone tried to run a startup the way most Americans try to manage their marriages; they wouldn't last a week before they gave up - the "feeling" probably wouldn't be there, and there would be something else they'd rather do. If both you and your spouse want the marriage to work, it can work, whether you "feel" for each other or not. The problem is really when they don't want it to work, and need an excuse.

dawson 18y ago
I agree with what you're saying, and would like to point out that I don't think this marriage ethic is America's alone.
dkarl 18y ago
Divorce means wasted years, loneliness, traumatized children, and yes, even in America, social stigma. Nobody wants to be on the dating market as a divorcee, because everybody looks at you and wonders what went wrong and what kind of baggage you have. As a never-married guy, I can say that despite my best intentions I view divorcees with suspicion. If you think people take it lightly, then you're wrong. In reality, marriage in America illustrates the blade of freedom cutting in both ways. I would like to point out that traditional marriages, Indian or otherwise, carry very strong expectations about the partners' roles and the structure of their home life. If one partner fulfills his or her economic and social role, the other partner's expectations are fulfilled. In American marriages, there are fewer culturally determined and socially enforced rules on who brings what to a marriage. That creates a disorienting number of possibilities. It is harder for two people to live together when every choice made by one closes off possibilities for the other. In a marriage where tradition has already closed off all possibilities except one (if indeed any other possibilities are imaginable) there is less disappointment and less reason to resent one's spouse. Obviously, it would be nice to have a modern marriage contract, a new set of obligations such that if each spouse fulfills his obligations, then both spouses share a mutually beneficial marriage that supports, rather than hinders, their goals in life. That is what traditional marriages offer, but they are too concrete about household roles and duties. Modern attempts to define marriage are rather abstract and dependent on interpretation; probably that's what bothers you when you say that Americans depend on a "feeling" being there. Modern definitions of marriage are very wishy-washy because there's no concrete division of duties to found them on.

kalid 18y ago

Unfortunately I think it works in the reverse. Cultures that have arranged marriages tend to have fewer women's rights (how easily can the wife initiate the divorce?), social stigmas against divorced women (who would want you?), lack of feasible opportunities (how will you support yourself?), and familial pressure (what would the community say about our family?). It's a bit like how North Korea has a 99% (or is it 101%) landslide win for their leader every election -- lack of visible disagreements don't mean the participants are happy with the outcome.

visitor4rmindia 18y ago
I'm not sure what you mean actually. Divorce can be just as easily initiated by the woman as the man. The social stigma and familial pressure is there, of course, but it exists against divorced men as well (although the degree may be less). Plus, if you think there is a lack of visible disagreements in arranged marriages (both happy and unhappy), you should come and stay next to out some of our neighbours. I'm not basing happiness on "lack of visible disagreement". We know our neigbours quite well and it's easy to see who is happy and who isn't. Let me clarify: all I am saying is marriage works if both parties are committed to it. That factor is bigger than "getting what you want" out of it.

wallflower 18y ago

I'm not an Indian, and I felt this video series was illuminating. "First comes marriage, then comes love" "Liz Tuccillo, writer for Sex and the City and co-author of He's Just Not That Into You, asks why is the divorce rate so low in India? She finds out that Indians are taught that happiness is a state of mind. And if you've had an arranged marriage you wed first, and learn to love your husband over time, as you get to know him." http://www.yourtango.com/20086547/first-comes-marriage-then-comes-love http://www.yourtango.com/20086547/first-comes-marriage-then-...

ams6110 18y ago

I don't fully buy into the arranged marriage concept, but won't deny that many of them are successful. I think one thing that probably helps a lot is that "older, wiser" people are looking at attributes of compatibility that younger people can't see in each other yet.