5 ms·

Be Happier with Zero Expectation

33 points by bobbyong 14y ago

deleted 14y ago
[deleted]
manmal 14y ago
There is this German saying: "Happiness equals results minus expectations". And I have to agree, expectations are easy to miss, especially when you don't learn to lower them. I used to constantly get late to basically anywhere because I just did not factor in the time to shower, reading emails between putting on clothes, etc. And boy did this stress me out. When I started to pay more attention to my life in general (focus on the current moment and such), such stressors just disappeared because I learned to not get into such situations.
- bobbyong 14y ago
  Pretty cool German saying. Care to write it in German? I did learn a lil German n would be interested to know it :)
  - cseelus 14y ago
    Glück ist Wirklichkeit minus Erwartungen. (As far as I know think this saying originated in Hinduism in the first place and found its way into the german linguistic area somehow)
    - bobbyong 14y ago
      Awesome. Thanks for sharing! There's a lot of wise words of wisdom from the eastern religions
    - ironchef 14y ago
      I'm surprised it's not a massive singular compound word
    - manmal 14y ago
      I know it as "Glück ist Erreichtes minus Erwartetes.", pretty much the same.
richeyrw 14y ago
Yeah, I hear this a lot. And I'm sure that for most people the pendulum should swing more in that direction. But like everything you have to strike a balance. ZERO expectation really? To just take one example, what if you're a boss? I know I would be happier if I didn't expect anything out of my subordinates and they probably would to, but I'm guessing the shareholders might not be down with my new zen attitude.
- vidarh 14y ago
  I think you are conflating two things: What outcomes you are attached to (what triggers your emotions etc.) vs. what you work towards. It is perfectly possible to work hard towards a goal, including motivating others to do the same, but not be personally attached to the success or failure of the outcome. I lift weights. I go into the gym every day and try to do better than last time. I struggle with increasing my bench press at the moment. But I still go in and try my hardest and vary my progressions to try to overcome my sticking point. But I don't leave after a bench session all stressed out over not hitting the next weight up: I'm not attached to the outcome.
bpatrianakos 14y ago
This is true but it's just not realistic. There are situations in life where expectations are totally appropriate. I'd even argue that expectations drive us forward. And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy or sad at all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome? If I have to drive somewhere and have no expectation of arrival time then I'll neither be happy nor sad when I get there. I'll have just gotten there. However if I severely lower my expectations then I can be happy when I get there. But I'm being pedantic here so I'll bring this back to reality now. Disappointment, heartache, sadness, and gloom are part of life and should not be avoided. We often find the motivation or drive to change and improve through our negative emotions. Sure, it sucks to feel that way but it's just as important as being happy and one shouldn't run from those feelings. If you have good coping skills you can face disappointment head on, feel shitty for a bit, and then plow through and find some happiness or a silver lining. If you've got poor coping skills you'll be running away from all negative emotions and totally stunting your emotional growth because of it. I know the author wasn't trying to write an authortitative piece on happiness so I won't criticize him. What I will do is add a little wrinkle to his whole point which is: Eliminate or lower expectations when the outcomes aren't important. So, for example, traffic is actually a perfect example. If you can eliminate your anger and frustration over being late or being stuck in traffic you're doing yourself a huge favor as being upset over it isn't doing anything for you. However feeling upset and having expectations about your career or a promotion or meeting a pretty girl one day can be quite helpful. The negative feelings associated with not getting any one of those things should push you to change your situation and get them somehow. So all in all, I guess the TL;DR version would be: Apply the article's wisdom wisely, not broadly.
- nopinsight 14y ago
  Contentment is an important form of happiness. Older people generally feel happier (there are research findings on this, but I don't remember the source right now) because they are more contented. A key wisdom of Buddhism is that through sustained practice you can deeply understand the world, the mind, and their natural ups and downs. If you truly live by that understanding, you will earn a profound peace of mind and be free from any sufferings that accompany most lives. (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nirvana http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nirvana) Note that the practice may take as long as the mastery of other arts, like piano or chess, but it is definitely achievable.
nachteilig 14y ago
Reminds me of why the Danes are said to be very happy--low expectations. http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/19/lowered-expectations/ http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/19/lowered-expe...
- bobbyong 14y ago
  Great article. "Danes would make good Buddhists. They live their lives as the Buddha advised: in the present tense, not grasping at some future happiness jackpot." Also the quote by @manmal is mentioned. “Happiness equals reality minus expectations.” Given that neat formulation, there are two ways to attack the problem: boost our reality or lower our expectations. Interesting stuff.
score 14y ago
This is reminiscent of the Taoist virtue "to hold fast to the submissive is called strength." Or in other words, if a person never competes, he can never suffer defeat.
aneth4 14y ago
Amazing how we the more we advance civilization, the better we are at ignoring 10,000 years of human wisdom. I suppose it's never a bad thing when someone rediscovers these tidbits for themselves.
hmbg 14y ago
This doesn't work at all for me. I love having expectations. I love looking forward to things. I'm going on a trip in May, and I expect it to be great. If it sucks, I might be a bit disappointed, but the vacation is a week, and the time I can look forward to it is several months. If the vacation turns out to be great, I'll feel great about it. Would I feel even greater if I had no expectations? Don't know. I really don't think the delta of getting pleasantly surprised outweighs the months of looking forward to the trip. Being able to accept what you can't change (e.g. being stuck in traffic) without getting overly frustrated is conducive to happiness, no doubt. I'm not sure what it has to do with expectations; if I expect to be stuck in traffic all morning, that doesn't make it more fun when it actually happens.
- bobbyong 14y ago
  I got back from a 10-days backpacking trip to Thailand and Laos a few weeks back and I totally enjoyed it partly because I went with zero expectation. I did not know what to expect (no research) and I did not expect anything. I did not book any hostels and just went with the flow. I have no must-see travel list nor do I have any must-do travel stuff. Anything interesting was a net positive feeling for me during the trip. Anyone interesting I met was a net positive feeling for me. If I had expected to see a certain place or do a certain thing and could not accomplish that during the trip because of bad weather or schedule, I will be disappointed. I did not feel disappointed at all for 10 days. Well, different people might like to plan their life differently and you can feel right in having expectations if that's what you prefer. I just found it awesome to see a place without knowing what to expect.
  - hmbg 14y ago
    I guess it comes down to how specific expectations you have. I don't plan everything minutely, I just expect it will be a great experience in general, whatever happens. That way I look forward to it, and enjoy thinking about it. But I don't have detailed plans. Still, if I did, the important thing would be to handle changes of plans well. The absence of plans in it self does not determine happiness for me.
  - 4rgento 14y ago
csmatt 14y ago
Haven't read the article yet (I will), but I recognized your site due to my work with userena :)
bluetidepro 14y ago
I don't think this is something you can just "turn off" and/or change. I think your personality can either allow you to do this, or not. You can tell me all day to not have expectations, but that means nothing to me. I don't understand how to "flip off that switch." I'm not saying the author is wrong, but I just don't think I can agree that anyone can just not have expectations. I know I have times where I didn't have expectations and things worked out great and I was happy, but it's not like I can tell my brain to always react that way. It's just how I am, and I wish I could change that, but I honestly don't know how. Does anyone have any real suggestions on how to achieve this "zero expectation" mindset, other than as vague as "just change your mindset" or something to that degree?
graeham 14y ago
“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.” – Shunryo Suzuki
TWX_11389Aleph 14y ago
The Bard said it well: "O God, I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space—were it not that I have bad dreams."

33 points by bobbyong 14y ago

deleted 14y ago

[deleted]

There is this German saying: "Happiness equals results minus expectations". And I have to agree, expectations are easy to miss, especially when you don't learn to lower them. I used to constantly get late to basically anywhere because I just did not factor in the time to shower, reading emails between putting on clothes, etc. And boy did this stress me out. When I started to pay more attention to my life in general (focus on the current moment and such), such stressors just disappeared because I learned to not get into such situations.

bobbyong 14y ago
Pretty cool German saying. Care to write it in German? I did learn a lil German n would be interested to know it :)
- cseelus 14y ago
  Glück ist Wirklichkeit minus Erwartungen. (As far as I know think this saying originated in Hinduism in the first place and found its way into the german linguistic area somehow)
  - bobbyong 14y ago
    Awesome. Thanks for sharing! There's a lot of wise words of wisdom from the eastern religions
  - ironchef 14y ago
    I'm surprised it's not a massive singular compound word
  - manmal 14y ago
    I know it as "Glück ist Erreichtes minus Erwartetes.", pretty much the same.

richeyrw 14y ago

Yeah, I hear this a lot. And I'm sure that for most people the pendulum should swing more in that direction. But like everything you have to strike a balance. ZERO expectation really? To just take one example, what if you're a boss? I know I would be happier if I didn't expect anything out of my subordinates and they probably would to, but I'm guessing the shareholders might not be down with my new zen attitude.

vidarh 14y ago
I think you are conflating two things: What outcomes you are attached to (what triggers your emotions etc.) vs. what you work towards. It is perfectly possible to work hard towards a goal, including motivating others to do the same, but not be personally attached to the success or failure of the outcome. I lift weights. I go into the gym every day and try to do better than last time. I struggle with increasing my bench press at the moment. But I still go in and try my hardest and vary my progressions to try to overcome my sticking point. But I don't leave after a bench session all stressed out over not hitting the next weight up: I'm not attached to the outcome.

bpatrianakos 14y ago

This is true but it's just not realistic. There are situations in life where expectations are totally appropriate. I'd even argue that expectations drive us forward. And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy or sad at all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome? If I have to drive somewhere and have no expectation of arrival time then I'll neither be happy nor sad when I get there. I'll have just gotten there. However if I severely lower my expectations then I can be happy when I get there. But I'm being pedantic here so I'll bring this back to reality now. Disappointment, heartache, sadness, and gloom are part of life and should not be avoided. We often find the motivation or drive to change and improve through our negative emotions. Sure, it sucks to feel that way but it's just as important as being happy and one shouldn't run from those feelings. If you have good coping skills you can face disappointment head on, feel shitty for a bit, and then plow through and find some happiness or a silver lining. If you've got poor coping skills you'll be running away from all negative emotions and totally stunting your emotional growth because of it. I know the author wasn't trying to write an authortitative piece on happiness so I won't criticize him. What I will do is add a little wrinkle to his whole point which is: Eliminate or lower expectations when the outcomes aren't important. So, for example, traffic is actually a perfect example. If you can eliminate your anger and frustration over being late or being stuck in traffic you're doing yourself a huge favor as being upset over it isn't doing anything for you. However feeling upset and having expectations about your career or a promotion or meeting a pretty girl one day can be quite helpful. The negative feelings associated with not getting any one of those things should push you to change your situation and get them somehow. So all in all, I guess the TL;DR version would be: Apply the article's wisdom wisely, not broadly.

nopinsight 14y ago
Contentment is an important form of happiness. Older people generally feel happier (there are research findings on this, but I don't remember the source right now) because they are more contented. A key wisdom of Buddhism is that through sustained practice you can deeply understand the world, the mind, and their natural ups and downs. If you truly live by that understanding, you will earn a profound peace of mind and be free from any sufferings that accompany most lives. (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nirvana http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nirvana) Note that the practice may take as long as the mastery of other arts, like piano or chess, but it is definitely achievable.

nachteilig 14y ago

Reminds me of why the Danes are said to be very happy--low expectations. http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/19/lowered-expectations/ http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/19/lowered-expe...

bobbyong 14y ago
Great article. "Danes would make good Buddhists. They live their lives as the Buddha advised: in the present tense, not grasping at some future happiness jackpot." Also the quote by @manmal is mentioned. “Happiness equals reality minus expectations.” Given that neat formulation, there are two ways to attack the problem: boost our reality or lower our expectations. Interesting stuff.

score 14y ago

This is reminiscent of the Taoist virtue "to hold fast to the submissive is called strength." Or in other words, if a person never competes, he can never suffer defeat.

aneth4 14y ago

Amazing how we the more we advance civilization, the better we are at ignoring 10,000 years of human wisdom. I suppose it's never a bad thing when someone rediscovers these tidbits for themselves.

hmbg 14y ago

This doesn't work at all for me. I love having expectations. I love looking forward to things. I'm going on a trip in May, and I expect it to be great. If it sucks, I might be a bit disappointed, but the vacation is a week, and the time I can look forward to it is several months. If the vacation turns out to be great, I'll feel great about it. Would I feel even greater if I had no expectations? Don't know. I really don't think the delta of getting pleasantly surprised outweighs the months of looking forward to the trip. Being able to accept what you can't change (e.g. being stuck in traffic) without getting overly frustrated is conducive to happiness, no doubt. I'm not sure what it has to do with expectations; if I expect to be stuck in traffic all morning, that doesn't make it more fun when it actually happens.

bobbyong 14y ago
I got back from a 10-days backpacking trip to Thailand and Laos a few weeks back and I totally enjoyed it partly because I went with zero expectation. I did not know what to expect (no research) and I did not expect anything. I did not book any hostels and just went with the flow. I have no must-see travel list nor do I have any must-do travel stuff. Anything interesting was a net positive feeling for me during the trip. Anyone interesting I met was a net positive feeling for me. If I had expected to see a certain place or do a certain thing and could not accomplish that during the trip because of bad weather or schedule, I will be disappointed. I did not feel disappointed at all for 10 days. Well, different people might like to plan their life differently and you can feel right in having expectations if that's what you prefer. I just found it awesome to see a place without knowing what to expect.
- hmbg 14y ago
  I guess it comes down to how specific expectations you have. I don't plan everything minutely, I just expect it will be a great experience in general, whatever happens. That way I look forward to it, and enjoy thinking about it. But I don't have detailed plans. Still, if I did, the important thing would be to handle changes of plans well. The absence of plans in it self does not determine happiness for me.
- 4rgento 14y ago

csmatt 14y ago

Haven't read the article yet (I will), but I recognized your site due to my work with userena :)

bluetidepro 14y ago

I don't think this is something you can just "turn off" and/or change. I think your personality can either allow you to do this, or not. You can tell me all day to not have expectations, but that means nothing to me. I don't understand how to "flip off that switch." I'm not saying the author is wrong, but I just don't think I can agree that anyone can just not have expectations. I know I have times where I didn't have expectations and things worked out great and I was happy, but it's not like I can tell my brain to always react that way. It's just how I am, and I wish I could change that, but I honestly don't know how. Does anyone have any real suggestions on how to achieve this "zero expectation" mindset, other than as vague as "just change your mindset" or something to that degree?

graeham 14y ago

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.” – Shunryo Suzuki

TWX_11389Aleph 14y ago

The Bard said it well: "O God, I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space—were it not that I have bad dreams."