4 ms·

I know lots of self-centered people that are parents. What I mean is that it is hard to find women that actually WANT to live a life of sacrifice, living for t

by speeder 14y ago

I know lots of self-centered people that are parents. What I mean is that it is hard to find women that actually WANT to live a life of sacrifice, living for the family, instead of living to themselves. I've met some women that when I ask if they want to be mother they say: "Oh, sure!" And then I ask: "So, when you have your 4 months old kid, you will stay at home to take care of it if your husband is rich enough for that?" And then most of them reply: "Hell no, the kid can stay in the creche, or watching TV with the babysitter, I must work." Funnily, I have a friend that insists that she will even have a kid using sperm bank, and she will take care of that kid alone, yet she hates her mother because she feels her mother did not gave attention enough to her (her mother is a divorced lawyer, and the girl was cared by the house cleaning lady that lived in the house, when she has problems she still talk to that lady instead of her mother).

king_jester 14y ago
> What I mean is that it is hard to find women that actually WANT to live a life of sacrifice, living for the family, instead of living to themselves. Well, in most of the western world women had no choice in the past but to take on those roles, regardless if they wanted to or not. That we see women rejecting this kind of role because they have more choices is a good thing. I'm sure there's plenty of folks out there that still want that lifestyle, but there should be no default assumption of that being the suitable gender role for women. > "Hell no, the kid can stay in the creche, or watching TV with the babysitter, I must work." If someone wants to do this and has the means to do so, is there a problem? Sure it might not match what you want with your life, but that just means that person isn't the parental partner for you.
- pbhjpbhj 14y ago
  >If someone wants to do this and has the means to do so, is there a problem? // For the child it would seem so. I don't really understand why people who don't want to - or aren't willing to - love and care for a child choose to have children.
  - king_jester 14y ago
    In terms of working while raising children, if you have the financial resources to make up for having one or both parents working then there is not much of an issue. A lot of folks don't have such resources, of course, and work out of necessity. As for why folks have kids, the reasons are varied, but a significant percentage of those are not planned, they are either unwanted or mistimed. Jessica Valenti had a great piece in the Atlantic about this that was posted here a few weeks back - http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/09/not-wanting-kids-is-entirely-normal/262367/ http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/09/not-wantin...
mistermann 14y ago
My wife won't watch the kid or work (productively). She does online tutoring "work" for effectively ~$3/hour about 5 hours a day while daycare costs ~$7/hour. I can think of very few choices more important in life than who you marry and bear offspring with. Sadly in my case, none of her habits became visible until well after we had married and had a child.
- WA 14y ago
  That sounds horrible. But why does she do that? Is it just some trait/habit or does she somehow resent the kid?
- king_jester 14y ago
  If you haven't already, seek couples counseling/therapy asap, as resent about parenting or living situations are big issues that hard to tackle without some outside perspective.
- cheez 14y ago
  I'd echo the other people's suggestions here to go for family therapy. If the resentment is not yet too strong between the two of you, you can reach an agreement. Not only that but if you get divorced, you are fucked alimony and child support wise. Or if you had a prenup, at least child support wise. So it is in your best interest emotionally and financially to not let this sit for too much longer. Go to the family therapist yourself first to get a few ideas on where to go from there.
dodo53 14y ago
and would you stay home and look after the kids if your wife earned more than you?
baconner 14y ago
And what would you answer to the same question? "So, when you have your 4 months old kid, you will stay at home to take care of it if your wife is rich enough for that?"
- speeder 14y ago
  I don't have breasts. There are boatloads of research that shows that children younger than 1 year really need contact with the mother ( even if adoptive ), breastfeeding, and simple body contact ( among other things ) are part of various processes, mostly related to hormones. It is great selfishness to hurt a child by not allowing it intense and almost constant contact with the mother ( not the father ) Working is not fun, I don't work for power, fun, or greed, but because I need to, I have to feed the family while the mother is busy being mother. We have no technology yet that allows for women to not be mothers.
  - ScottBurson 14y ago
    Body contact is indeed important, but you are mistaken that it must always be with the mother. Parents can share every childraising activity except breastfeeding -- and it's not necessary that children be strictly breastfed. It seems you have grown up believing that family is about sacrifice. I think this is sad. Having a family takes work, certainly, but it should be a joy, not a burden.
    - speeder 14y ago
      And when I said it is not a joy? Yes, it is sacrifice and hard work. But it is rewarding. Also, the contact with the mother is really important, later if I get access to a pc with keyboard I dump some data. ( how I hate virtual keyboard, even more on this tiny phone screen )
    - saraid216 14y ago
      > Parents can share every childraising activity except breastfeeding Actually, it is possible for males to lactate. But it's extremely rare and difficult, and I don't actually remember if it was considered sufficient.
IgorPartola 14y ago
Will you stay home with your 4 month old if your wife is rich enough? By your definition, if you answer no, then you are "self-centered", to the point where you wouldn't consider yourself a good partner to have children with. On the other hand if you answer yes, then you have solved your problem. Doesn't matter how "self-centered" your spouse is, you will take care of the kids either way. So, assuming a rich wife (or rather a wife with high income) is easier to find than one that's willing to give up her career, if you want the greatest chance that your children will have a full time caregiver that's one of their parents, you should look for a rich "self-centered" woman, not a selfless one :)
tesmar2 14y ago
There are a lot of women out there who greatly desire to be a stay at home mom and in this way, help raise a family. They are out there, you just have to look :) I waited and found a lady who greatly desired this kind of lifestyle and it is working out fabulously for us.

by speeder 14y ago

king_jester 14y ago

> What I mean is that it is hard to find women that actually WANT to live a life of sacrifice, living for the family, instead of living to themselves. Well, in most of the western world women had no choice in the past but to take on those roles, regardless if they wanted to or not. That we see women rejecting this kind of role because they have more choices is a good thing. I'm sure there's plenty of folks out there that still want that lifestyle, but there should be no default assumption of that being the suitable gender role for women. > "Hell no, the kid can stay in the creche, or watching TV with the babysitter, I must work." If someone wants to do this and has the means to do so, is there a problem? Sure it might not match what you want with your life, but that just means that person isn't the parental partner for you.

pbhjpbhj 14y ago
>If someone wants to do this and has the means to do so, is there a problem? // For the child it would seem so. I don't really understand why people who don't want to - or aren't willing to - love and care for a child choose to have children.
- king_jester 14y ago
  In terms of working while raising children, if you have the financial resources to make up for having one or both parents working then there is not much of an issue. A lot of folks don't have such resources, of course, and work out of necessity. As for why folks have kids, the reasons are varied, but a significant percentage of those are not planned, they are either unwanted or mistimed. Jessica Valenti had a great piece in the Atlantic about this that was posted here a few weeks back - http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/09/not-wanting-kids-is-entirely-normal/262367/ http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/09/not-wantin...

mistermann 14y ago

My wife won't watch the kid or work (productively). She does online tutoring "work" for effectively ~$3/hour about 5 hours a day while daycare costs ~$7/hour. I can think of very few choices more important in life than who you marry and bear offspring with. Sadly in my case, none of her habits became visible until well after we had married and had a child.

WA 14y ago
That sounds horrible. But why does she do that? Is it just some trait/habit or does she somehow resent the kid?
king_jester 14y ago
If you haven't already, seek couples counseling/therapy asap, as resent about parenting or living situations are big issues that hard to tackle without some outside perspective.
cheez 14y ago
I'd echo the other people's suggestions here to go for family therapy. If the resentment is not yet too strong between the two of you, you can reach an agreement. Not only that but if you get divorced, you are fucked alimony and child support wise. Or if you had a prenup, at least child support wise. So it is in your best interest emotionally and financially to not let this sit for too much longer. Go to the family therapist yourself first to get a few ideas on where to go from there.

dodo53 14y ago

and would you stay home and look after the kids if your wife earned more than you?

baconner 14y ago

And what would you answer to the same question? "So, when you have your 4 months old kid, you will stay at home to take care of it if your wife is rich enough for that?"

speeder 14y ago
I don't have breasts. There are boatloads of research that shows that children younger than 1 year really need contact with the mother ( even if adoptive ), breastfeeding, and simple body contact ( among other things ) are part of various processes, mostly related to hormones. It is great selfishness to hurt a child by not allowing it intense and almost constant contact with the mother ( not the father ) Working is not fun, I don't work for power, fun, or greed, but because I need to, I have to feed the family while the mother is busy being mother. We have no technology yet that allows for women to not be mothers.
- ScottBurson 14y ago
  Body contact is indeed important, but you are mistaken that it must always be with the mother. Parents can share every childraising activity except breastfeeding -- and it's not necessary that children be strictly breastfed. It seems you have grown up believing that family is about sacrifice. I think this is sad. Having a family takes work, certainly, but it should be a joy, not a burden.
  - speeder 14y ago
    And when I said it is not a joy? Yes, it is sacrifice and hard work. But it is rewarding. Also, the contact with the mother is really important, later if I get access to a pc with keyboard I dump some data. ( how I hate virtual keyboard, even more on this tiny phone screen )
  - saraid216 14y ago
    > Parents can share every childraising activity except breastfeeding Actually, it is possible for males to lactate. But it's extremely rare and difficult, and I don't actually remember if it was considered sufficient.

IgorPartola 14y ago

Will you stay home with your 4 month old if your wife is rich enough? By your definition, if you answer no, then you are "self-centered", to the point where you wouldn't consider yourself a good partner to have children with. On the other hand if you answer yes, then you have solved your problem. Doesn't matter how "self-centered" your spouse is, you will take care of the kids either way. So, assuming a rich wife (or rather a wife with high income) is easier to find than one that's willing to give up her career, if you want the greatest chance that your children will have a full time caregiver that's one of their parents, you should look for a rich "self-centered" woman, not a selfless one :)

tesmar2 14y ago

There are a lot of women out there who greatly desire to be a stay at home mom and in this way, help raise a family. They are out there, you just have to look :) I waited and found a lady who greatly desired this kind of lifestyle and it is working out fabulously for us.