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I am very happy that my parents are married to each other, and my alive grandparents too, and that they don't have issues like this (what my father "abuse" is c

by speeder 14y ago

I am very happy that my parents are married to each other, and my alive grandparents too, and that they don't have issues like this (what my father "abuse" is coca-cola, he rarely drinks, and noone smokes). And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling. I am seeking a girlfriend that wants to be a mother, and I am not finding, most of them are self-centered, and come from divorced families, the only girl that ever became my girlfriend (and is still a good friend) was the only one that I found that still had married parents.

mnicole 14y ago
Coming from a broken home impacts everyone differently, and particularly when you end up raising yourself (and your siblings). The idea that someone doesn't want to be a mother because they're self-centered is very far from the truth. They are more likely to be aware of their vulnerabilities and the fear that they will end up like their parents. Worse, they may have long-term damage (or mental health issues that plagued their parents as well) that they don't feel would make them strong parents. I consider that responsible, not self-centered.
- thom 14y ago
  It's also possible that they don't want kids.
  - mnicole 14y ago
    Anyone can choose not to have kids for whatever reason they please (and it's never selfish to do so), I was just trying to explain why this may be the case for the segment of people he was referring to.
- bad_user 14y ago
  It depends on the individual and her specific background, but for instance for girls of mothers that suffered from domestic violence there's a very high probability they'll end up with a violent husband, even though they keep telling themselves that they won't. Forgot how this syndrome was called, and this iPad is awful for doing Google searches. Basically we are doomed to repeat many of same mistakes as our parents. You do have a certain control over your life, but eternal vigilance and self-awareness is required. I keep seeing this every day, as I'm now a father too. For example my father was a workaholic that didn't have much time for me. He was also very critical of other people's mistakes. I tend to repeat these same mistakes, even though I make an effort not to, but sometimes I just can't help myself. It really depends on the individual though. I have at least one friend coming from a broken home and he's one of the most balanced individuals I know.
- toadi 14y ago
  I think it's a nurture vs nature question. Maybe it makes you strong and hard person who makes it in life. Life is though if you have setbacks to deal with. If you are golden spooned maybe by the first setback you crumble...
akie 14y ago
You must be quite young. To me, what defines a good relationship (in terms of having a partner) is not necessarily that what you have in common with the other is a strong desire for stability, family life & kids. I've seen people get married because of this desire, and the people I've observed doing that don't necessarily seem very happy. On the contrary, actually. After a while they just become jaded. Like people in a job that they don't enjoy but that they need to do to pay the mortgage. I think these situations are quite unhealthy, and ultimately unsatisfying. What defines a good relationship, in my opinion, is two people that know what they want out of life, that chase their own goals and have their own dreams, and then decide to do that together. It's much harder though, because sometimes these goals clash, but I wouldn't want it any other way.
- deleted 14y ago
  [deleted]
- gnufied 14y ago
  I am a Indian and have seen this line often repeated. A relationship from my cultural perspective is also about committing to make it work. I am trying to bootstrap a startup with my best friend and there is lot in common between us but when going gets tough, it is important to be not an asshole. I am married as well. My wife's and my own dreams are somewhat different, but if I decide somehow to let my dreams take precedence over hers, there will be trouble. It is same as a startup, when going gets tough - it is important to be responsible/respecting and more importantly not let outside world affect the relationship. Coming from a culture when arranged marriages have been the norm for ages, I can't overemphasis simply willingness to stick. I don't know and it may sound strange - most people are essentially good (and well meaning in their own way) and as we Indians have come to terms with the fact that, Love can blossom in arranged marriage as well. Where you did not know your life partner beforehand. Trying to find perfect partner with whom goals and ambitions match is unicorn and rainbows. EDIT: Just to be clear, I wasn't contradicting you, because clearly we agree on certain points.
  - shared4you 14y ago
    Totally agree, my best friend is an Indian. His parents have been happily married for 30 years and still going strong. It was an arranged marraige, but there is a lot to learn from them.
king_jester 14y ago
If you want to have kids and want a partner that is into that, that's fine. However, being self-centered and wanting to be a parent aren't mutually exclusive, as I have met adults whose parents were/are extremely self-centered and that factored in heavily into the abusive situations those adults lived in when they were children. > And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling. I'm not really sure what you are talking about, families have always had issues with abuse, divorce, etc., that is nothing new (even if people may have hidden those things more often in the past, but that really depends on when and where you grew up).
- jacoblyles 14y ago
  Actually, the crumbling of the family is quite new. The past 50 years has seen a rapid and sad dissolution of the family: http://dalrock.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/p70-126_pdf_hist_living_arangements_children.png http://dalrock.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/p70-126_pdf_hist_...
  - king_jester 14y ago
    All this chart shows in an increase in the number of single mother households over time, particularly starting in the 1960s/1970s, in the United States. Whether or not you see that as sad depends on what you know of the living conditions women experienced in the time before that, conditions which gave rise the 2nd wave feminist movements. Suffice it to say the same underlying social and gender disparities existed prior to the increased occurrence of divorce and US society was not more stable or better off before that increase.
    - jacoblyles 14y ago
      As far as I am aware, children living with both parents do much better in life in a variety of metrics (income, criminality, academics, child poverty, and etc.). While easier divorce may have led to an increase in equality for women, it has also had an immense negative impact on children. Trade-offs exist, whether or not we choose to ignore them for ideological reasons. You are free to believe that the modern world is better off, despite the costs. But you should be aware of the costs.
killnine 14y ago
It saddens me that this premise seems more and more to be true. I find you to be correct in your requirements for what you are seeking, except the difference to me is the majority want to be mother's, but of those, the quantity which possess the values of a whole family are incredibly sparse. I wonder how much of it has to do with what country you grew up in, and wonder why it seems to me that individuals raised by parents which did not grow up in my country posses much stronger values than those that did grow up here. I blame it on Jared
pekk 14y ago
Many women want to be mothers. Having a kid is easier than falling off a log, it just takes time. However, it's not correct to imply that women with divorced families are worse somehow.
- danabramov 14y ago
  >Having a kid is easier than falling off a log, it just takes time. Um, you know, that's not always true.
- newbie12 14y ago
  That's correct, women from broken homes may work harder at marriage because they know how awful divorce can be.
- jacoblyles 14y ago
  I would be interested in knowing whether or not one's likelihood to divorce is correlated with whether or not one's parents were divorced. Do you know what the data say? edit: I found some data. It looks like a couple is twice as likely to divorce if one of them comes from a divorced family, and three times as likely if both do: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/26714.php http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/26714.php
  - speeder 14y ago
    There are some US department of Justice data that shows stuff like 70% of people in prison being from fatherless homes and other things like that. There was somewhere in about.com a collection of that sort of data.
    - jacoblyles 14y ago
      The more I learn about social data, the more I learn to appreciate traditional values and wisdom.
      - intended 14y ago
Yhippa 14y ago
While I'm sad that you cannot find this ideal girlfriend (which I am also looking for) it's not a bad thing that you are at least finding out that they are self-centered. You want to find someone like yourself who looks forward to having a stable family. Can you imagine marrying someone who's self-centered and you finally have kids? That could be disasterous. There could be lots of regret that you can't undo and you end up going down the path of divorce or worse.
wsc981 14y ago
Try to appreciate your family for as long as you can, since you'll never know when they're gone. In 2004, when I was 23 years old, I lost both my parents and a sister in a car accident. We had a really nice family and great parents, never expected this to happen. It caused me a depression that lasted almost 7 years. Personally I wouldn't want a girlfriend that wants to become a mother, the pain of losing someone very dear to you is intense and I wouldn't want another depression that lasts as long as my previous one.
- SoftwareMaven 14y ago
  You have to balance the risk of pain with the possibility of joy. It is certainly possible to live a life cut of from others where you never have to worry about losing anybody, but you lose the joy that comes from those same connections. While it's true that the closer the connection, the greater the chance of pain, it is also true that they are also greater sources of joy. Having gone through more than one multi-year depression, I can appreciate you wanting to avoid that. Just don't avoid living and loving to do so.
  - sahat 14y ago
    You know what they say - "you'll never miss, what you never had".
chris_p 14y ago
> and come from divorced families What does this have to do with the rest of your sentence? Are you implying that people who come from divorced families are more self-centered?

by speeder 14y ago

mnicole 14y ago

Coming from a broken home impacts everyone differently, and particularly when you end up raising yourself (and your siblings). The idea that someone doesn't want to be a mother because they're self-centered is very far from the truth. They are more likely to be aware of their vulnerabilities and the fear that they will end up like their parents. Worse, they may have long-term damage (or mental health issues that plagued their parents as well) that they don't feel would make them strong parents. I consider that responsible, not self-centered.

thom 14y ago
It's also possible that they don't want kids.
- mnicole 14y ago
  Anyone can choose not to have kids for whatever reason they please (and it's never selfish to do so), I was just trying to explain why this may be the case for the segment of people he was referring to.
bad_user 14y ago
It depends on the individual and her specific background, but for instance for girls of mothers that suffered from domestic violence there's a very high probability they'll end up with a violent husband, even though they keep telling themselves that they won't. Forgot how this syndrome was called, and this iPad is awful for doing Google searches. Basically we are doomed to repeat many of same mistakes as our parents. You do have a certain control over your life, but eternal vigilance and self-awareness is required. I keep seeing this every day, as I'm now a father too. For example my father was a workaholic that didn't have much time for me. He was also very critical of other people's mistakes. I tend to repeat these same mistakes, even though I make an effort not to, but sometimes I just can't help myself. It really depends on the individual though. I have at least one friend coming from a broken home and he's one of the most balanced individuals I know.
toadi 14y ago
I think it's a nurture vs nature question. Maybe it makes you strong and hard person who makes it in life. Life is though if you have setbacks to deal with. If you are golden spooned maybe by the first setback you crumble...

akie 14y ago

You must be quite young. To me, what defines a good relationship (in terms of having a partner) is not necessarily that what you have in common with the other is a strong desire for stability, family life & kids. I've seen people get married because of this desire, and the people I've observed doing that don't necessarily seem very happy. On the contrary, actually. After a while they just become jaded. Like people in a job that they don't enjoy but that they need to do to pay the mortgage. I think these situations are quite unhealthy, and ultimately unsatisfying. What defines a good relationship, in my opinion, is two people that know what they want out of life, that chase their own goals and have their own dreams, and then decide to do that together. It's much harder though, because sometimes these goals clash, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

deleted 14y ago
[deleted]
gnufied 14y ago
I am a Indian and have seen this line often repeated. A relationship from my cultural perspective is also about committing to make it work. I am trying to bootstrap a startup with my best friend and there is lot in common between us but when going gets tough, it is important to be not an asshole. I am married as well. My wife's and my own dreams are somewhat different, but if I decide somehow to let my dreams take precedence over hers, there will be trouble. It is same as a startup, when going gets tough - it is important to be responsible/respecting and more importantly not let outside world affect the relationship. Coming from a culture when arranged marriages have been the norm for ages, I can't overemphasis simply willingness to stick. I don't know and it may sound strange - most people are essentially good (and well meaning in their own way) and as we Indians have come to terms with the fact that, Love can blossom in arranged marriage as well. Where you did not know your life partner beforehand. Trying to find perfect partner with whom goals and ambitions match is unicorn and rainbows. EDIT: Just to be clear, I wasn't contradicting you, because clearly we agree on certain points.
- shared4you 14y ago
  Totally agree, my best friend is an Indian. His parents have been happily married for 30 years and still going strong. It was an arranged marraige, but there is a lot to learn from them.

king_jester 14y ago

If you want to have kids and want a partner that is into that, that's fine. However, being self-centered and wanting to be a parent aren't mutually exclusive, as I have met adults whose parents were/are extremely self-centered and that factored in heavily into the abusive situations those adults lived in when they were children. > And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling. I'm not really sure what you are talking about, families have always had issues with abuse, divorce, etc., that is nothing new (even if people may have hidden those things more often in the past, but that really depends on when and where you grew up).

jacoblyles 14y ago
Actually, the crumbling of the family is quite new. The past 50 years has seen a rapid and sad dissolution of the family: http://dalrock.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/p70-126_pdf_hist_living_arangements_children.png http://dalrock.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/p70-126_pdf_hist_...
- king_jester 14y ago
  All this chart shows in an increase in the number of single mother households over time, particularly starting in the 1960s/1970s, in the United States. Whether or not you see that as sad depends on what you know of the living conditions women experienced in the time before that, conditions which gave rise the 2nd wave feminist movements. Suffice it to say the same underlying social and gender disparities existed prior to the increased occurrence of divorce and US society was not more stable or better off before that increase.
  - jacoblyles 14y ago
    As far as I am aware, children living with both parents do much better in life in a variety of metrics (income, criminality, academics, child poverty, and etc.). While easier divorce may have led to an increase in equality for women, it has also had an immense negative impact on children. Trade-offs exist, whether or not we choose to ignore them for ideological reasons. You are free to believe that the modern world is better off, despite the costs. But you should be aware of the costs.

killnine 14y ago

It saddens me that this premise seems more and more to be true. I find you to be correct in your requirements for what you are seeking, except the difference to me is the majority want to be mother's, but of those, the quantity which possess the values of a whole family are incredibly sparse. I wonder how much of it has to do with what country you grew up in, and wonder why it seems to me that individuals raised by parents which did not grow up in my country posses much stronger values than those that did grow up here. I blame it on Jared

pekk 14y ago

Many women want to be mothers. Having a kid is easier than falling off a log, it just takes time. However, it's not correct to imply that women with divorced families are worse somehow.

danabramov 14y ago
>Having a kid is easier than falling off a log, it just takes time. Um, you know, that's not always true.
newbie12 14y ago
That's correct, women from broken homes may work harder at marriage because they know how awful divorce can be.
jacoblyles 14y ago
I would be interested in knowing whether or not one's likelihood to divorce is correlated with whether or not one's parents were divorced. Do you know what the data say? edit: I found some data. It looks like a couple is twice as likely to divorce if one of them comes from a divorced family, and three times as likely if both do: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/26714.php http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/26714.php
- speeder 14y ago
  There are some US department of Justice data that shows stuff like 70% of people in prison being from fatherless homes and other things like that. There was somewhere in about.com a collection of that sort of data.
  - jacoblyles 14y ago
    The more I learn about social data, the more I learn to appreciate traditional values and wisdom.
    - intended 14y ago

Yhippa 14y ago

While I'm sad that you cannot find this ideal girlfriend (which I am also looking for) it's not a bad thing that you are at least finding out that they are self-centered. You want to find someone like yourself who looks forward to having a stable family. Can you imagine marrying someone who's self-centered and you finally have kids? That could be disasterous. There could be lots of regret that you can't undo and you end up going down the path of divorce or worse.

wsc981 14y ago

Try to appreciate your family for as long as you can, since you'll never know when they're gone. In 2004, when I was 23 years old, I lost both my parents and a sister in a car accident. We had a really nice family and great parents, never expected this to happen. It caused me a depression that lasted almost 7 years. Personally I wouldn't want a girlfriend that wants to become a mother, the pain of losing someone very dear to you is intense and I wouldn't want another depression that lasts as long as my previous one.

SoftwareMaven 14y ago
You have to balance the risk of pain with the possibility of joy. It is certainly possible to live a life cut of from others where you never have to worry about losing anybody, but you lose the joy that comes from those same connections. While it's true that the closer the connection, the greater the chance of pain, it is also true that they are also greater sources of joy. Having gone through more than one multi-year depression, I can appreciate you wanting to avoid that. Just don't avoid living and loving to do so.
- sahat 14y ago
  You know what they say - "you'll never miss, what you never had".

chris_p 14y ago

> and come from divorced families What does this have to do with the rest of your sentence? Are you implying that people who come from divorced families are more self-centered?