17 ms·

I love you, dad

• redad 14y ago
  My father has substance abuse problems too (alcohol dependency for 20 years) and it has destroyed his relationship with my siblings and my mother, he's going to lose what little he has left very soon and I genuinely fear he's going to do something very similar to what is mentioned here. I am the only child that will talk to him without contempt and I have long since left home. He lost his own father very recently and that pushed him deeper. What do I do? How do you deal with a situation like this?
  • uptown 14y ago
    I'm in no way qualified to give you a professional answer, but from a human perspective, I'd start by talking to him and expressing the very fears you just described. Make him understand that it concerns you, and that you're there for him should he ever feel that inclination. Just being able to talk about things with other people can be a tremendous help when dealing with stressful situations. Make sure he understands that he's not completely alone.
    • alexakarpov 14y ago
      That's a very good-spirited answer, but not a very realistic one, I am afraid. Most of the people who exhibit problems of that kind ARE talked to; their parents, children, friends etc are, on average, truly caring and do attempt to help. The sad truth is - a lot of people who gave up on 'life' have damn good reasons to have done so. A lot of them would laugh at you if you try to 'talk' to them, providing they have some laugh left in them --- because most of them actually did hear it all already, and it just wasn't enough. Another sad truth is: substance abuse actually does solve a lot of problems, just not in a "socially acceptable way". But, well - a lot of people don't care about what's "socially acceptable".
  • alexakarpov 14y ago
    Short answer is - you don't, really. There's very little one can do to help a grown-up person with a history of substance abuse. Unless you believe in God: but the efficacy of that approach is, clearly, impossible to scientifically verify.
    • illuminate 14y ago
      "Unless you believe in God" If only the belief in God sincerely caused a difference in substance abuse, I'd be endorsing religiosity for its own sake! Of course, I'm sure you're referencing the will of God, but considering how many sincere faithful have their struggles with physical addiction, the belief alone is not enough :(
      • alexakarpov 14y ago
        There are some indicators that it does make a difference; too lazy to dig those up, but it should not be surprising that adhering to some religious doctrine that discourages activity X should have some effect on reducing the frequency of X abuse among the adherents (not just the reported numbers, but actual values too). However, what I wanted to say is more like - if you don't have a crane, yet need to lift an X-wing fighter from the bottom of the swamp, you have to use the Force. Nothing else will suffice. Basically, both the damage caused by substance abuse, and, more importantly, the deeper reasons people stick to it, are so huge, you need to pray for a miracle (and people who believe in God often do).
        • kristofferR 14y ago
          On the other hand - when you strongly discourage something and decide to make doing it wrong/immoral, you also make it very taboo and stigmatized to talk about, which can be incredibly dangerous. This is very obvious with illegal drug use and sex, problems related to them (drug addiction and unwanted pregnancies/STDs) are much higher in places where it is strongly discouraged, stigmatized and hard to talk about. There are a lot of sad stories where people who knew they had a drug problem didn't dare seeking help/talking about it in fear of either the law or negative reactions from the people around them. Wrong/lack of information about safety is also a huge issue due to making stuff immoral and taboo, millions of people in Africa have died and are currently suffering because of the way extramarital sex and condom use have been (and still are) handled and talked about. Personally I think complete openness instead of moralization/stigmatization is a much better solution to deal with difficult issues. Granted, I'm a very socially liberal guy, but I think most evidence is pointing to the fact that information and sympathy is leading to more desirable social outcomes than repression and stigmatization. For example, let's take something extremely controversial as pedophilia. The vast majority of society is of the understandable opinion that being a pedophile is immoral, often downright evil. People unfortunately don't realize how extremely important the different between simply being a pedophile (having sexual thoughts about children) and actually committing such acts are. I think even something as pedophilia should be freely discussed and that pedophiles should be offered rational stigma-free ways to deal with their sexuality in ways that won't hurt children instead of being treated like scum by society. The way we deal with the issue today is hurting everyone involved - both the pedophiles and children. A ton of people undoubtedly disagrees with me - and that's understandable from an emotion point of view. However - I've never seen any research or statistics actually indicating that punishing people for their problems (either directly through the law or through stigma) leads more significant positive societal outcomes than helping and sympathizing people with their problems does.
  • lectrick 14y ago
    I dated a woman from a family like this. Her dad was in Vietnam and his squad was ambushed and he managed to find a hiding place from which he was able to witness the entire rest of his squad murdered in cold blood. 3 days later he got the balls to leave his hiding spot and the alcoholism began when he got home after being discharged. Classic PTSD case. Your dad needs to see a counselor to help treat the alcoholism and a therapist to try to eliminate any underlying psychological issues that might be feeding into the alcoholism if there are any. My uncle died of essentially alcoholism. You have the right to tell your dad, dead in the eye, that you fear for his life and that he does not have to continue this downward spiral. He will need to summon a will in order to beat it, though. It might help to also remove him from the environments that contribute to his problem, such as moving to a dry town. It still amazes me that I used to drink more (was always moderate) but really tapered off lately for multiple reasons (most related to health) without much difficulty at all, yet some people get completely addicted to this thing. (I have nearly all German and Czech ancestry which might help.) Yet there is a game called WoW that I can't seem to tear myself completely away from, and there is a woman on this planet that is impossible for me to not have amazing sex with when alone (she shares the same vulnerability) who I unfortunately cannot be anywhere near anymore because we are not right for each other and must focus on other people...
    • marcusmacinnes 14y ago
      You should probably read the original post again...
  • king_jester 14y ago
    Someone with a substance abuse problem is the only person that can tackle that issue. Attending alchoholics anonymous or narcotics anonymous (or a similar 12-step style program) can be a start, and it is really helpful if said person attends therapy with a professional of some form outside of those kinds of programs (church staff don't count, this absolutely should be a trained therapist, psychologist, etc). Outside of that, there isn't anything you can do. It should be noted that not talking to someone with a substance abuse problems is a wholly legitimate thing to do, as you aren't required to put yourself in situations that are harmful to your own mental and physical well being.
  • dos1 14y ago
    Disclaimer: This is my own personal experience and opinion. I've dealt with substance abuse issues for many years and I've known several people for whom substance abuse exacted the ultimate toll. The short of it: There are no reliable solutions. There are no good answers. People with depression and substance abuse issues don't think the way non abusers do. They know what they're doing is wrong and that it could lead to death or going further down the spiral, but their ability to rationalize their behavior is all powerful. It has nothing to do with will power or motivation. There's something wired differently in the brain. Medication, AA, NA, inpatient treatment, religion are all good things to try. Sometimes one of them sticks. I wish you the best of luck. The only advice I can give is this: If something bad happens with your father, it is not your fault. There is nothing you can do to change his behavior. All you can do is be supportive if he recognizes the need to make a change.
    • uxp 14y ago
      This is actually really good information. Above all else, no one can "make it right" except for the person with the substance abuse problem. I've spent years trying to put my alcoholic mother into this program or that group. I've even gone so far as to give myself depression issues over the situation. But, at the end of the day, she's the only that can decide to make the situation better and do something about it. Today, the only thing I can do is make my life better, even if it means cutting ties with her as she becomes more unresponsive. It's an absolutely brutal hurdle to get over, but it's the absolute truth.
    • danieldk 14y ago
      People with depression and substance abuse issues don't think the way non abusers do. They know what they're doing is wrong and that it could lead to death or going further down the spiral, but their ability to rationalize their behavior is all powerful. It has nothing to do with will power or motivation. There's something wired differently in the brain. This. What helped me is to see the good person behind the illness and separate that him or her from the illness. During bad moment, it will affect you less (it's the illness, not that soul that is affected by it), during good moments it is easier to connect to that person. Also, if someone has a severe mental illness that cannot be cured or properly medicated, and has young children, protect them if it is within your power. Every child has the right (and need) to grow up in a safe environment.
  • eoy 14y ago
    Having been in a similar situation as Notch, also ending in a very similar way, all advice I can give is to make the best of the time you have and don't waste it on contempt and hate. I wish that I had been able to have a more understanding attitude than I did.
  • dustismo 14y ago
    In order to help your addicted father you should consider first focusing on yourself. The stress and guilt of having an addicted loved one can affect your own mental health. Speak to an addiction specialist, they can help you formulate appropriate actions in dealing with your father, perhaps an intervention, perhaps something else. Al-Anon (http://al-anon.alateen.org/ http://al-anon.alateen.org/) is a good resource.
    • jevinskie 14y ago
      This is a very good point. At one point in time I went to a therapist to discuss my family member's alcoholism in an attempt to get them help. The therapist gave me some good advice for my family member but also recommended that I seek therapy of my own. I did so for over half a year and it helped me work through issues relating to my relationship with my family member but also some anxiety issues of my own. If you are uncomfortable with the group setting of al-anon (as I was), you should really look into one-on-one counseling.
  • mnicole 14y ago
    AA's founder originally believed that LSD had potential to cure substance abuse, and although he later stepped away from that belief to make religion a bigger aspect of it, researchers believe that it is far more likely to help than even AA itself. There was additional information (along with personal experiences) in a recent Reddit TIL that may be of interest to you - http://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/14mpow/til_bill_w_founder_of_alcoholics_anonymous_took/ http://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/14mpow/til_bi... If that's an option you think he'd try out, perhaps there's a facility nearby that could help. Edit: If you're going to downvote, do so because something is legitimately wrong and prove otherwise, not because you don't agree with it. This topic is a big deal and my response is equally as serious.
    • run4yourlives 14y ago
      I won't argue the science, since you're likely correct, but taking one substance to counter the effects of another doesn't do anything to address the root cause of the problem. It's no use curing alcoholism only to have it replaced by gambling, drugs or sex. The issue is that the addiction is used as a crutch to avoid dealing with the real problem. Until you deal with that real problem - and some of them are extremely difficult to "deal" with, so I'm not trying to downplay this - you will not really be "cured".
      • mnicole 14y ago
        Part of why it is so effective is because the perspective changes it induces not only lessens the desire to divulge, but changes the outlook you have on life that is causing you to do it in the first place. It's not a "cure" rather than a means to get people to look at their life differently, which is what motivates them to go an opposite direction. While they can provide a social outlet for support, I don't think that AA or religion can have such an immediately life-altering impact on someone as much as they, themselves, can.
        • run4yourlives 14y ago
          Sure, but then you need to take LSD to maintain that state. Once you remove that actor, the person rewires to think the way they did before. That's my issue.
  • Sakes 14y ago
    1) Try and fix him. I know this is generally thought of as a bad idea, but I think it will be important for you to know that you did everything within your power for him in the event that something bad happens. When (adult) children lose a parent, the ones that mourn the loudest are typically the ones that were not taking care of the parent in their decline. The ones that support them in their declining years get to meet the sad day knowing they did everything they could for their loved one. I think this brings comfort by removing any guilt that someone might have. 2) If recovery is not an option, accept it. If you have run through all the reasonable things to be done to help your father from the outside, there is nothing left for you to do to fix him. Accept him for all his good characteristics and bad, and simply show him love. 3) Wait. Even if you were unable to fix him, he still might come around on his own, which is most likely what needs to happen anyways.
  • jevinskie 14y ago
    Feel free to email me at jevinsweval@gmail.com if you (or anyone else) would like to chat. I grew up with an alcoholic family member who is thankfully sober for almost two years now after 20 years of drinking. There is no single answer but there is hope.
  • skeletonjelly 14y ago
    I was once in your exact same situation. If you want to talk privately let me know. The extent of the possibilities of your actions are merely going to be within the confines of guidance, nothing you do will be a magic bullet. It'll take time, it'll take effort, but it's possible to recover. Your father has to be the one to take actions to fix the situation.
• bond 14y ago
  Wow, didn't expect that ending... :(
  • marshray 14y ago
    I did expect that ending and was sad to be right. Why do we only take the time to say these things after it's too late?
• jbail 14y ago
  That gave me chills. I'm constantly impressed by people that have the ability to share their personal life with the world in an honest way that reveals the vulnerabilities we all share as humans. It is so much more refreshing than the opposite, where we pretend our lives are perfect and we never experience moments of doubt or melancholy. It is rare to see someone make a post like this. This is precisely what makes it so refreshing and beautiful.
  • riffraff 14y ago
    I agree with being impressed, but I am not sure the opposite of being able to share is pretending we are perfect. Maybe, it's just being unable to. My dad passed away eleven months ago, no day goes by without thinking of him, and I may be able to get to the end of this without crying, but I can't manage a blog post.
    • bad_user 14y ago
      There's no shame in crying and it is great therapy. When losing somebody close, do cry until your tears run out.
      • riffraff 14y ago
        sure, it just makes writing stuff a bit hard :)
    • pplante 14y ago
      I too lost my Father, but at a young age (12). Deal with your emotions as you can, and take time for yourself. That is the only advice that I found is portable across different people. Its been 15 years for me, and it gets easier with time. But recently I hit the 15 year mark and just lost it. For some reason that number was bigger than any year previously. I suspect it had something to do with the fact that I have lived 55% of my life without my father around.
    • Tichy 14y ago
      I hope you don't feel bad for not writing a blog post. It is not a requirement at all.
• speeder 14y ago
  I am very happy that my parents are married to each other, and my alive grandparents too, and that they don't have issues like this (what my father "abuse" is coca-cola, he rarely drinks, and noone smokes). And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling. I am seeking a girlfriend that wants to be a mother, and I am not finding, most of them are self-centered, and come from divorced families, the only girl that ever became my girlfriend (and is still a good friend) was the only one that I found that still had married parents.
  • mnicole 14y ago
    Coming from a broken home impacts everyone differently, and particularly when you end up raising yourself (and your siblings). The idea that someone doesn't want to be a mother because they're self-centered is very far from the truth. They are more likely to be aware of their vulnerabilities and the fear that they will end up like their parents. Worse, they may have long-term damage (or mental health issues that plagued their parents as well) that they don't feel would make them strong parents. I consider that responsible, not self-centered.
    • thom 14y ago
      It's also possible that they don't want kids.
      • mnicole 14y ago
        Anyone can choose not to have kids for whatever reason they please (and it's never selfish to do so), I was just trying to explain why this may be the case for the segment of people he was referring to.
    • bad_user 14y ago
      It depends on the individual and her specific background, but for instance for girls of mothers that suffered from domestic violence there's a very high probability they'll end up with a violent husband, even though they keep telling themselves that they won't. Forgot how this syndrome was called, and this iPad is awful for doing Google searches. Basically we are doomed to repeat many of same mistakes as our parents. You do have a certain control over your life, but eternal vigilance and self-awareness is required. I keep seeing this every day, as I'm now a father too. For example my father was a workaholic that didn't have much time for me. He was also very critical of other people's mistakes. I tend to repeat these same mistakes, even though I make an effort not to, but sometimes I just can't help myself. It really depends on the individual though. I have at least one friend coming from a broken home and he's one of the most balanced individuals I know.
• lectrick 14y ago
  Did anyone else just stare at the screen for a while after reading that?
  • evanmoran 14y ago
    Yes.
  • skeletonjelly 14y ago
    It's well written. Such few words used. Rollercoaster of emotions.
• lewisflude 14y ago
  :(
• kiskis 14y ago
  What is interesting is that he did Ludum Dare competition just days after this. Maybe that was a good therapy for him as well, but in any case that's quite respectable to be able to focus after a tragedy like that.
  • jiggy2011 14y ago
    Ludum dare doesn't start for another day or so. He said on twitter that he will not be doing this one due to scheduling conflicts or something.
    • deleted 14y ago
      [deleted]
    • SquareWheel 14y ago
      ksikis is talking about the Ludum Dare that took place shortly after the events detailed above. If you go to the "About page" in Minicraft, his contest entry, you'll see the dedication to his dad.
    • Timothee 14y ago
      I kind of skipped that because the last paragraph took me by surprise, but he writes "his last thoughts [...] were one year ago".
  • bitwize 14y ago
    "Weird Al" Yankovic's parents died while he was on tour. He continued with the tour, stating that if his music made millions of others laugh, it might just cheer him up too. Sometimes doing what you love is just the right sort of pain reliever.
• Aco- 14y ago
  Brought a tear to my eye, that last paragraph was intense.
• deleted 14y ago
  [deleted]
• richardlblair 14y ago
  I wish I could put into words how sorry I am that this happened.
• PhrosTT 14y ago
  The strongest plants grow in harsh conditions.
• gprasanth 14y ago
  Why do bad things happen to good people?
  • buttscicles 14y ago
    Bad things happen to everybody.
  • kristofferR 14y ago
    Because randomness isn't conscious. As humans we tend to place a lot of purely human ideals/ideas on the non-human world, but they're all actually things we've just made up. Goodness/badness/fairness/unfairness aren't "real things" existing in nature; they’re just something humanity has created in our minds and societies. No things has an inherent goodness or badness, we as humans just think/decide it is. Don't get me wrong, it's essential for human well being to have such things in place, but it's not something we can subject non-conscious things to. Gravity doesn't care, and can't care or know in any way, whether the guy soon to die from a coconut hit to his head falling from a tree was a child rapist or a humble "saint" always bringing happiness to other people.
    • gprasanth 14y ago
      Perfectly understood what you said. Good and Bad are associated to things by individuals. I think I probably wanted to know what one should do when Bad things happen. And, I guess I know the answer to that already: just keep moving forward.
      • shawn-butler 14y ago
        I think endeavoring to no longer be surprised when Bad things happen is a good response. I mean not just ignoring it in order to move past, but accepting the world for what it is and anticipating suffering. Probably a stoic at heart I guess, but I'm not sure I see any other way.
    • shawn-butler 14y ago
      This is of course obviously false. Morality is a part of human nature. It isn't gifted by the supernatural. Therefore concepts like justice, good, bad have as real an existence as you. If humans are part of the natural order so is natural law.
• slajax 14y ago
  +1 for being transparent with your personal life. Very commendable.
• edw519 14y ago
  Notch, if you're reading this, my deepest sympathy. I understand the devastation of losing a parent; I lost my mother about a year ago. I'm still not "back to normal" and don't know if I ever will be. I used to do art, music, and comedy, and even practiced my religion, often just for her. I loved to make her laugh and it was so easy to make her proud. In the past year, I have done none of that stuff and don't know when or if I ever will. Programming is one of the few things I've ever done that I never did just to say, "Hey Ma! Look what I did!" She never understood it. So in the past year, it's one of the few things I've been able to do. I've written a ton of code and taken great comfort it in. I won't even attempt to give advice; none of the advice I've received from well-intentioned others in the past year has been helpful. I just hope you, me, and others like us find comfort in the wonderful memories of beloved parents and find a way to move on with our lives. More about my mother here: http://edweissman.com/betty-weissman-1930-2011 http://edweissman.com/betty-weissman-1930-2011
  • X-Istence 14y ago
    My mom passed away when I was 10, 14 years ago now (she was 37, brain aneurism, even if the docs had known nothing could have been done to prevent it), and I know that it affected me, and it has affected what I do. What is considered normal though? After 14 years I still miss her, I still think about her, and even-though I am not religious and logically I know she is no longer here, and can't feel or see the things I do, I do hope she is proud of me. In all honesty there really is no "normal", you attempt to go on with your life, the reminders become less and less yet at times you will look at something and instantly have a flash back. I wish you the best of luck, losing anyone close is terrible, so far I've been incredibly lucky that I still have my grandparents on both side of the family, and my dad, and my three younger siblings, and that we've all shared the same experience makes it easier to slowly attempt to move on.
  • ryguytilidie 14y ago
    I for one, salute you for having the awareness to know that snippets of advice won't help and having such a thoughtful response. I often feel like the stock advice given in these situations just makes me feel worse.
  • 14y ago
• steferson 14y ago
  My uncle hanged himself after years being an alcoholic, the alcohol destroyed his family and pushed him away from everybody. Near the end of it all he was acting delusional, lying to his bar friends about how good his life was, just stright up making stuff up, like having a huge barbecue in his non existant farm, or so I heard through my dad. He killed himself between christmas and new year. His son spent christmas in my house, and I had the idea to go visit him, and days later he killed himself. For the longest time I blamed myself, I kept thoughts like "maybe if I had gone...", I kept believing that maybe the wanting to go see him was God's way to stop the tragedy from happening. I no longer blame myself, though I do wonder if having gone there would have changed anything. Anyway, powerful blog post
• recycleme 14y ago
  A lot of readers will probably have some self-reflection after reading this. It might even push some to give their parents a call, or sort out some issues. Even someone with a perfect family will remember that nothing lasts forever. Enjoy your time friends.
• thispassisweak 14y ago
  This hit pretty close to home. My father just moved in with me after calling me last week and telling me he was going to kill himself. I managed to calm him down and convince him to move in with me for a while, so hopefully this is the beginning of the road to recovery. Reading the comments helps to know there are others helping to carry the burdens of their own families. Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories.
  • ForrestN 14y ago
    Make sure he is getting professional treatment. It is a bad idea to try to take on the burden of a loved one's serious mental illness on your own.
    • Sakes 14y ago
      This is a very good point. If your loved one told you he had a broken leg, you wouldn't try and fix it yourself, you would seek a professional.
• chubbard 14y ago
  That was a touching story, and I'm sorry to hear about your father's death. My best friend's father was an alcoholic. I watched as my best friend struggled trying to build a relationship with him. I don't think he ever had any of the touching moments you described with his father, and I think it still affects him to this day. It sounds like you have good memories about him, and knew that he loved you. And for the most part that's all we can ask from our fathers.
• sbate 14y ago
  I love Notch even more. Grumpy swede.
• colmvp 14y ago
  "I now have an entire life to live without him existing." Beautiful but sad words.
  • sage_joch 14y ago
    Even more poignant given the beginning, where he wrote how his dad "had an entire life to live before I even existed".
• bstahlhood 14y ago
  Notch, I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. You are strong. Thank you for all your awesome contributions to the the gaming and programming communities.
• ruggeri 14y ago
  Like others here, I was touched by the honesty of this. Thanks.
• tharris0101 14y ago
  I've never met Markus Persson, but its obvious from reading his tweets and posts that he is a good person. If anyone deserves the success he's had, its him.
  • huhtenberg 14y ago
    There's actually quite a few good people in the world. They are just less noticeable than assholes, because they don't stick out as much.
    • devcpp 14y ago
      Indeed. Arrogant people get their requests fulfilled more often than humble people because they push for it, and many people who have the power to give that stuff are either arrogant and depise humble people or humble and intimidated. It's pretty sad.
  • jspthrowaway2 14y ago
    I'm not so sure that he is entirely a good person or worth this level of praise. He spends a lot of time apologizing for Twitter drama that he invents, and it seems like he has the tendency to shoot first and ask questions later. The Yogscast debacle comes to mind. For those that are unaware, Yogscast, one of the biggest promotional engines sending traffic to Minecraft, went to Minecon on their own dime and did an autograph panel. Notch responded by eviscerating them on Twitter for, among other things, wishing to be helped out financially for their appearance (which cost them quite a bit, and, let's be honest, Mojang is not broke; Mojang also sold the rights to broadcast Yogscast's own show without asking). This was all based upon drama invented in Notch's head, and he had to profusely apologize later. It seems like Notch goes out of his way to find drama. However good of a person he is tends to be undone by his occasionally childish behavior.
    • eric_h 14y ago
      This comment thread is about this blog post. Given what he has revealed about himself and his family, and the way he has revealed it, he absolutely deserves praise, if only for the courage of putting pen to paper to express it (figuratively speaking, of course). He has shared something that I'm sure he has kept very close to himself. He went through what is most certainly the most painful thing one can possibly experience (the death of a loved one by their own hand). You are trivializing something that is both moving and a show of great courage on his part. Now is not the time for personal criticism. Please, allow him whatever therapeutic benefit he can get by writing his post, and save your trivial criticisms for another post; most likely, (admittedly, I don't know you) he has suffered more from this than you ever have about anything.
• lifeisstillgood 14y ago
  Thank you We have to stop pretending our professional lives are divorced from our personal - they grow out of one another, and in programming like other forms of writing the end result depends hugely on who we are as people - Hemmingway would never have written about a boy wizard. Notch's work flows from who he is, and that flows a lot from who his father was. Keep on flowing
• eranation 14y ago
  One of the most honest, deep, meaningful and moving posts I've seen here in my short history in HN. I wish you'll never know sorrow again, my deepest condolences.
• kayoone 14y ago
  I dont know if Notchs recently failed marriage has something todo with this but it looks like he had a very very tough last year :(
• phaus 14y ago
  I've had the misfortune of personally knowing at least 3 people who have killed themselves while mixing medication with alcohol. One of them was on antidepressants, but the other two weren't being treated for any sort of mental condition. There seems to be an awful lot of people out there who think the warning labels on medication are to be taken about as seriously as the tags on a mattress. I promise you, the warnings are there for a reason. You can be an otherwise perfectly happy person and end up shooting yourself in the face if you have a bad reaction. If you are taking any sort of medication that prohibits alcohol, please follow the directions. Your friends and family members don't want to read your obituary.
• DigitalSea 14y ago
  This story hits close to my heart. I lost my mother a little over a year ago due to chronic alcoholism. She had been drinking for years, battled post-natal depression and one day we convinced her she was really sick and needed to go to the hospital. Her liver was in the process of shutting down, she was so dehydrated and malnourished her veins had shrunk making it difficult for doctors to take blood or put in drips. I remember the day that she went to hospital I forced her to go to the doctors and every test they ran came back red, her cardiogram yielded a weakened heart rhythm and it was at that point she realised she needed to go to the hospital, little did we know it was too late to help her. The doctors were shocked at the state she was in. He offered to call an ambulance, but my mother wanted to be driven to the hospital instead. I knew she would try and talk her way out of it by refusing an ambulance, but finally convinced her there was no way she wasn't going. She was obviously scared and we all told her that going to hospital meant she'd get better and she probably wouldn't be in there very long, I didn't expect she would be dying in hospital two days later. As soon as she was admitted she went straight into the emergency ward. She was under watch 24/7, hooked up to machines that monitored everything. She was still very much with it, just not as energetic. She could hold a conversation, she just looked aged but wasn't delirious or anything. We thought she was going to get better, she was in emergency for one day before being moved to a ward where she wasn't being monitored as carefully. I think it was a mistake moving her to a ward so soon. She never told anyone she was scared or needed help. Apparently she would call my dads sister and cry to her when everyone was asleep saying she was afraid of dying. My dads sister tried to take her to the doctors repeatedly, but I think knowing something was wrong and being scared stopped her from wanting to go to the doctors until it was too late. She was on 4 saline drips (one in each wrist and one in each knee) to try and hydrate her body. I still remember seeing her lying there with 4 drips, I didn't even know they could do that. She started showing signs of recovery, was more level-headed, but tired and lethargic. She actually seemed like she was getting better, her pulse was getting stronger and the hydration she was getting was helping her, and then at 3am one morning after being in the hospital for 2 days we all got a call that she went into cardiac arrest and they tried to resuscitate her for 1 hour before giving up. I often wonder if she would have lived longer if she didn't go to hospital. Part of me thinks that her body couldn't handle four drips pumping saline into her body 2 days straight constantly, she had a weak pulse and the fact her veins had shrunken to me thinks she should have stayed in the emergency ward for a couple more days. She left behind her son (me) and 5 daughters one of which only just turned 8 years old. It's made my dad incredibly strong, I've never seen him cry before. I still remember that day vividly, he's had his fair share of alcohol related problems and has been battling depression and a nervous disorder his entire life due to being abused as a child but I think he's stayed strong for us. I am worried that one day a switch might flip in his head and he'll have a breakdown, but I don't really want to think of that. I know how you feel Notch, you never quite get over losing a parent. I partially blame myself for my mothers death. She had a drinking problem for years and I did nothing. She was obviously in decline and although everyone tried to get her to go to the doctors, she wouldn't. Did we try hard enough? Thanks for sharing your story Notch, I think there are many who have lost a parent due to an alcohol incident like yourself. It's hard to tell people you lost a parent to alcohol, let alone talk about losing a parent in such a horrible way. People say drugs like marijuana are bad, alcohol is the worse of them all. My mother was 48 years old.
• zunky 14y ago
  Thank you for sharing and my deepest sympathy.
• tinok 14y ago
  This post and comments here made me leave work early to go home and hug my kids extra tight this evening.
• sonabinu 14y ago
  my heart goes out to you Notch.
• asfdfdasfafdsss 14y ago
  Notch, I'm so sorry. I know what it is like to lose a parent. It sucks and it doesn't seem to go away. What a great post. Thanks for sharing your life with us. Please continue to make your dad proud, and be a path for the rest of us in similar circumstance.
• jggonz 14y ago
  Thank you for sharing, it helps you and all of us that have lost a loved one. I lost my father to liver cancer this past January. He was my best friend. Almost every day I replay wonderful memories of conversations, funny moments, and life events we experienced together. I now seek for ways to connect to him and keep those memories alive. I am working on writing them down, so that I can somehow show my toddler some day the wonderful father I had. I collect the tools that we shared to work on electronic projects and cars. The thought of holding something that my dad held in his hands makes it easier. Keep loving your dad, and each time you replay a memory in your mind, write it down... It'll keep you two connected.
• simonebrunozzi 14y ago
  I'm sorry to hear this. I love my dad, who is still alive, and I think I should try to spend more good time with him, now that we live far away. My sympathy to you, Notch.
• rdl 14y ago
  Even though I think drugs should be decriminalized or legalized, it's clear there needs to be a lot of effort put into helping people who have problems with them (including alcohol). If you add up all the years of life destroyed by drug addiction, and all the external harms, spending all the money we currently spend on prohibition on treatment would be a bargain.
• shanellem 14y ago
  Incredibly touching post.
• acremades 14y ago
  I am sorry to hear you had to go through that Notch. My heart and prayers go to you and your family.
• pacmon 14y ago
  This was a very lovely note to read. My father died about two hours ago. I miss him immensely.
• quizotic 14y ago
  beautifully written, and resonates with all us who have lost their dads. Thank you.
• ranza 14y ago
  and now i cry...
• singleserv 14y ago
  While there are sympathetic ears, I thought I would share my own story, just so I can let it out. I'm the son of immigrants who worked hard to get me the best education that they could afford. My family have been through hard times and good times, and back to hard times recently since the housing bust. Money had always been a thorn for as long as I can remember. Some time during college, while tasting such freedom (education afforded by grants and loans from my father), I began to experiment and grow more distance from my parents. My mother was having a hard time for various reasons, and she was very disappointed that I didn't call her every week as she had asked. I stopped calling, and sometimes ignored the calls. The relationship began to sour, with hateful messages left in voicemail, admonishing me for something or another. It wasn't always bad. I would go back for holidays and such, but they would always say, that I need to visit every Christmas and Thanksgiving, because that is the right thing to do. It was always like that: I need to do something because it is the thing to do. I can't be friends with someone at school because they had a quarrel with my friend's parents, and it is the right thing to support your parents. I have to break up with my girlfriend (way back in highschool) because I need to focus on my college education. I need to repay them when I become rich because they provided for me. I haven't seen them in 3 years now. I'm afraid my father is forever doomed to be guilted into providing for my mother, who forever states how she hates my father being inadequate in so many ways. She says she can't leave him because she has no way of sustaining herself. He says he loves her, and that she is ill and doesn't mean what she says to me and him, but I can't tell if he's lying to himself because the alternative is too sad to contemplate, him having cut off his relationship with his own mother and family because she compelled him to do so a long time ago. Anyways. There's too much to this story. I can go on but the details don't matter. I wish I had a cool story about my dad saving a dog in the ice. I don't. But I did have a loving family once. It got ripped apart by money and lies and insecurities, and I've been left with estrangement and a sense of longing for over three years now. I could give them a call, as I've done before, but I've been there once and it didn't help -- I feel like I'm healthier this way. I'm thankful for my dad who continues to say that he believes in me, through sparse email correspondences. I'm thankful for my mother who insisted that I be educated well. I wish we had it better, and I wish this guilt doesn't last forever.
  • saraid216 14y ago
• toadi 14y ago
  My father was a alcoholic too. I hated him too and haven't seen him for years. Never wanted to have kids becaue I always think I'm not good enough. Now I have a kid and even I'm doing better then my father I feel bad because I think I could do better. Because I want my own life and take care of him. Don't know if I balance it right.... Anyway your yought can make you strong or break you... You never know...
• c141charlie 14y ago
  Very moving. Now inverse the situation, where it's your child who dies. The pain would be at least 2x worse. And this is what happened in Connecticut today.
• theltrj 14y ago
  tragic, so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing
• bogatyrjov 14y ago
  I understand when somebody writes an article in the format : "When I founded XXX, <some incredibly touching story>" or "I am <11-15> years old and this is my side project, check it out". But when You tell about someones death in your story to promote your product, if it is your close relative... I think it is disgraceful.
• peterhost 14y ago
  Haven't seen it mentionned a lot in comments, but it also happens that drugs are not the culprit. Your brain might be, or more largely your DNA. Drugs and alcohol are just ways (self destructive) to try and cope with the fact of simply being alive. I had such an alcohool problem when i was 26 or so (some serious, drink alone thing). Only 10 years afterwards was i diagnosed with a problem in neuro-trnamitters, which another drug (medecine) just made disappear. I've been living 6 years in a world without fear and mental pain, since, something i've never experienced before. My brain was the main culprit. I just wish we could advance our understanding of the brain so as not to serve people anymore of "god hate you" / "it's your fault" bullshit. I'm gonna kick some creeper's asses tonight in memory of all the suffering ones (yeah, creeper's are good scapegoats, i know it's not their fault either;). Thx all of you for sharing, i've spent an interesting evenig reading the whole thing.