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Becoming a dad changes men's brains
- greenflag 4mo agoBecoming a dad simultaneously made me more empathetic (seeing a little person from the beginning for all they are) but also more impatient (fewer hours in the day), but beyond that not much. Given the notoriety about some of the techniques referenced in this article [0] curious if others notice anything more consistent. 0: https://academic.oup.com/brain/article/140/8/e53/4032512 https://academic.oup.com/brain/article/140/8/e53/4032512
- doubled112 4mo agoEmpathy, I’m not sure, but I can confirm the lack of patience. I had less time, less energy, and my tolerance for BS plummeted accordingly.
- mrweasel 4mo agoThe lack of tolerance towards BS and people being difficult in general has gone out the window for sure. In the morning, sure, you get a lot of slack, but when the kindergarten closes at 16:30 and it's now 15:30, I don't have time for people being difficult. We solve the problem, we have 30 minutes, if you're being difficult I'll ignore you. You can complain tomorrow.
- plumbees 4mo agoThe lack of tolerance towards BS is like a super power gift now! I wish I had this backbone before.
- JoeBOFH 4mo agoI can add to the personal experience piece. I am way more emphatic, to the point I apparently now tear up on certain movies/shows. Also yeah way more impatient and honestly more selfish now due to lack of personal time.
- iterateoften 4mo ago[flagged]
- MemoryHoleHQ 4mo ago[dead]
- hoyd 4mo agoWith four kids, I think I have grown more patient with people in general. Also one who got more sentimental.
- andrew_lettuce 4mo agoThe youngest of my three is now 14. When it's come to managing developers raising kids is a superpower
- pavel_lishin 4mo agoAfter my child was born, I could no longer even look at newspaper headlines where something bad happened to a child. Now, I can read the headlines, but I still can't read the articles.
- mekdoonggi 4mo agoI'm still at step one. It's just unbearable. And the rage I feel at people who are apathetic or "there's nothing we can do" is so strong.
- derwiki 4mo agoDo any of these studies account for new parent sleep deprivation?
- spiderfarmer 4mo agoI slept way less and more fragmented when I was a student.
- typeofhuman 4mo agoThat is almost too hard to believe. Sleep less? Ok. More fragmented? Doubtful, unless your baby slept more than 4hrs straight in their infancy.
- tukantje 4mo agoSame on my side; I was constantly working and studying with 2-3 hours sleep max for years. Life was harder. Then again nothing breaks my brain like the cry of my daughter so probably not one to one.
- port11 4mo agoStudents also tend to be younger. We could all survive on 4h as young adults, I imagine. Our kid sleeps like crap, some nights I don’t get any full cycles (~90 minutes in adults). I’ve no idea why we’re trying for a second, send help.
- plumbees 4mo agoI read, "Our kids sleeps like crabs" It was interesting trying to figure that out.
- spiderfarmer 4mo agoYour second kid only takes half the effort. Half it again for a third. New parents always try to be perfect. It takes a while for them to get pragmatic.
- karunamurti 4mo agoNo wonder Magnus lost 4 times in a row.
- patates 4mo agoBecoming a dad made me a sensitive snowflake crybaby :) There were a lot of days on which I cried more than the baby. Diagnosed with anxiety disorder, but then they said it comes with ADHD and probably has little to do with the baby. > As many as one in 10 men will experience paternal postnatal depression or anxiety. The symptoms often look different in dads—anger or sudden outbursts Oh well.
- deleted 4mo ago[deleted]
- fatnoah 4mo agoI fully experienced postnatal depression, starting around 12-15 months, and it wasn't until relatively recently (my kid is now 18 years old) that I realized it. We were living in a 1 bedroom in the city when we had our kid, and moved to a house in a suburb when the kid was 9 months old. My wife and I both worked, but I had a longer commute and a job that frequently required later evenings. Between the job and keeping up the house, I had a few minutes in the morning, random holidays, and part of one weekend day to really spend time. I spiraled into depression and insomnia, overwhelmed by all the work required to keep up the house while also feeling like a terrible father and husband. I was withdrawn, had angry outbursts, and my daily work routine involved sitting in my car in the train station parking lot having a good cry before heading home. Before our kid started kindergarten, we decided to sell the house and rent a place in the city. Our apartment was about a 30 minute walk from my office with my kid's school as the 1/2 way point. I was actually able to walk my kid to school every day, coach sports that started at 5pm, and have both weekend days available to go on adventures around the city.
- patates 4mo agoThanks for sharing, I can totally relate. I'm so happy for you that things seem to have worked out.
- close04 4mo agoA previous discussion on this topic which doesn't require a subscription to read: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=47820046 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=47820046
- b3lvedere 4mo agoThe first born defenitely changed me somehow. As if some evolution gene was suddenly ordering me "You will protect this with everything in your power!" The second born, not so much. Perhaps the brain was already settled in the right configuration :)
- fullstop 4mo agoWith the first kid you sterilize everything. After that I guess you learn how much dirt they put in their mouths and don't bother.
- andrew_lettuce 4mo agoI have 3 kids. When they started on solids: #1 got fancy home made baby food, like cheesy chicken broccoli frozen into ice cube chunks. #2 got steamed yams and crackers. #3 got whatever we were eating, ripped into baby-sized chunks. All are fine.
- readthenotes1 4mo agoIt's likely that your number 3 child is both the smartest and best looking. Not sure what that has to do with diet but it can't be a coincidence
- fullstop 4mo agoThis is written like a number 3 child. ;-)
- fullstop 4mo agoI have two, both adults now. The first one, if she woke up early and I was still asleep, would politely come over and say that she was hungry. The second one, though, she was a scavenger. I woke up to her crunching on something. She was eating pistachios -- shell and all!
- pixel_popping 4mo ago
- ndr 4mo agohttps://archive.ph/UwObv https://archive.ph/UwObv
- michaelsbradley 4mo agoAbout 2-3 months after the birth of my first child, I started “seeing” the baby’s face vividly whenever I would close my eyes, when I was falling asleep but other times during the day as well. It was not a conscious-voluntary imagination, more like an artifact of my brain rewiring priority numero uno. Our second child is now 3 months old and I have not experienced similar, perhaps because the brain changes already settled down before his birth.
- balfirevic 4mo agoTetris effect, but with the baby!
- naikrovek 4mo agothe only thing that I noticed that changed in me was my sudden understanding of what "fear" really is. I had not experienced fear prior to becoming a father. The thought of one of my children being ... i'm not even going to say anything more. Use your imagination. That kind of thing scares me so much more than it did before I was a father.
- pavel_lishin 4mo agoOne of our tech leads at work tried to do a team building exercise where we'd go around the table and name our greatest fear. I was very glad to have been late to that particular meeting. It would have been pretty awkward for everyone if I'd started crying at the table.
- fcatalan 4mo agoExaggerating a bit, I felt like my old self was dead and I just happened to somehow have inherited his memories. But a more concrete thing: While before I might have been saddened about bad things happening to kids, like any normal person would, after having kids myself I experience an stronger reaction: I get almost physically ill when I hear about kids getting harmed.
- bombcar 4mo agoI was surprised how sudden the change was - I didn't become a dad to my kid, I became a dad to all kids within sight or sound. Sure, most of the time I don't have to do anything, but I certainly notice much more now.
- bogrollben 4mo agoThis. Also, the feelings have become stronger as I age.
- steve_adams_86 4mo agoSo much stronger. I went from completely understanding the "we should have restaurants/theatres/etc. where no kids are allowed" people to finding the notion totally incompatible with a healthy society. I love kids. I want to see them thrive and grow. I want to invest my taxes into their success. I vote for affordable daycare. I vote for expanding school programs. I take kids in my complex to look at stuff with the telescope. I 3d print things with them. I ask them about their lives and wonder what they'll be like. I have so much more patience for them. They matter more than I do, now. That's about it.
- plumbees 4mo agoBefore mine was born at the workplace they complained about how long paternity leave was and how unfair it was to those without kids. Now that I'm on the other side, anybody who thinks that is a jerk. Yes likely everyone deserves more time off, but don't you dare think that paternity leave is "time off".
- parpfish 4mo agolearning or doing anything "changes your brain". that's how learning works. i hate this phrase and how it's generally used for scare-mongering headlines.
- fcatalan 4mo agoThis is not mere learning, must have some kind of pre-wired special mechanism because it's very quick and very strong.
- danesparza 4mo agoFirst, this is true - learning or doing anything does change your brain. This article isn't talking about just that. I personally don't think it's meant to scare-monger, either - although I'm sure opinions may differ on the subject. What is unique about being a dad is having a living breathing creature depend on you. There are hormones exchanged. AND you're learning and doing something. AND you're remembering (and having to deal with) your own childhood memories. And realizing that in your memories, you were the kid ... now you're the adult. It's different.
- mcbishop 4mo agoAs a dad, I have a strong compulsion to tell (bad) dad jokes. Ideally puns. All the time. I didn't used to be this way.
- danesparza 4mo agoLiterally laughing out loud to this. I can relate.
- disgruntledphd2 4mo agoI have always had this desire, and now I have social validation that it's part of my role ;)
- fcatalan 4mo agoAre your kids teenagers already? Telling them in front of their friends is 10x better.
- mcbishop 4mo agoYup. The closer I am to her friends... the stronger the compulsion. It's like magnetism.
- mghackerlady 4mo agoAs a daughter, I approve. Hell, I'm the one telling them to my dad most of the time
- codeduck 4mo agomy Brother in pungnaciousness.
- dofm 4mo agoIliza Shlesinger has a great bit about how men discover that "woman is person too" when they have a baby daughter. Best not go overboard on this whole thing about fathers and increased empathy, though. Elon Musk has a father, after all. So did Donald Trump. The Roblox CEO has children. Magical universal father empathy is clearly not working out there, or he would shut down his business and give any remaining money to charities.
- Aperocky 4mo agoRead the whole article expecting it to explain how it would have changed, was disappointed to not read that.
- morkalork 4mo agoBecoming a new parent I knew I'd sleep less and be tired all the time but what I didn't know was simultaneously how much energy I'd have to keep going. It's almost like low grade, months long adrenalin rush. Very strange.
- WarmWash 4mo agoFascinating how things that are most relevant to continuing your species are the things with the hardest coded behaviors.
- coderatlarge 4mo agoand yet: paternal filial cannibalism
- jurgenburgen 4mo agoDon’t do that
- nerdsniper 4mo agoCronus is not supposed to be a role model!
- deleted 4mo ago[deleted]
- bogrollben 4mo agoI have 3 teenagers and this claim seems plainly obvious to me.
- otikik 4mo agoI had nightmares about bad things happening to me before. Like, getting ran over by a car, or falling off a cliff. When my wife got pregnant, it stopped. I started having nightmares about bad things happening to my son instead. Fun.
- JumpinJack_Cash 4mo ago[flagged]
- red-iron-pine 4mo ago> hopefully with guys who regularly use prostitutes and escorts so they are not likely to fall next. man, wut?
- ChrisArchitect 4mo agoPreviously related: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=47820046 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=47820046
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- 0rganic_host 4mo agoYeah, it gives them a superiority complex --- you're all still ants, now there are more, lovely.
- plumbees 4mo agoThe changed I noticed is twofold: + If a situation would not be acceptable for my son (bullying) then I shouldn't have to tolerate it at work (workplace bullying) + Priorities shift dramatically. I see director level people running around like chickens without heads trying to fill in an excel sheet because one of the higher ups has sent down a directive; without them realizing that the time spent doing so is meaningless dribble that doesn't matter. It's like things that were not obvious time sinks are now very obvious and I'm less patient (of nonsense) because I have something more important to care about.