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When someone's spouse has died, a very helpful thing to do is to cook and package and deliver meals that the surviving spouse can simply place in the fridge and

When someone's spouse has died, a very helpful thing to do is to cook and package and deliver meals that the surviving spouse can simply place in the fridge and warm up as needed. When you are grieving, to actually prepare a meal is a terribly, terribly difficult thing to do.

delichon 9mo ago
The nice thing about that is that you don't have to ask how you can help, you can just help. I knew a guy who would go to a grieving household and clean their shoes.
- ninalanyon 9mo ago
  I think you'd have to be awfully closely associated with that household for that to work. As a widower I have to say that I really would not have wanted an outsider suddenly appearing and deciding what I needed help with when my wife died. Perhaps it would work if there were very clear signs that the bereaved were unable to cope.
  - technothrasher 9mo ago
    You even have to be careful with bringing meals. When we lost a family member and all kinds of food started showing up, it was very sweet of people. But it became just one more hassle to deal with at a time when we already had too much to deal with.
    - antonymoose 9mo ago
      I feel as though you’ve skipped over the entire article, here you complain about people helping for an article titled “Let people help!”
      - AnimalMuppet 9mo ago
        But "help" has to be what will actually help, otherwise it's not actually help. That is, help has to be what the receiver considers help, not what the giver considers help. "Let me help you in the way I want to help, not in the way you actually need" is either short-sightedness or selfishness. But it's not actually helpful.
- Esophagus4 9mo ago
  Friends in need are the friends indeed But the friends who think of what we need They hardly talk at all, they just do it -Chris Smither
h33t-l4x0r 9mo ago
For 4 years tho?
- croisillon 9mo ago
  same here, i had to check the transcription was right, maybe she mixed up the words?
- ninalanyon 9mo ago
  That's a pretty heavy debt.
- davkan 9mo ago
  Let them help!
publicdebates 9mo ago
It's true. And technically many of them can afford takeout when it's too hard. But there's something healing about someone, whether family or friends, actually doing the act of helping in this way. It's a sort of transfer of love from one heart into another, which heals the broken one. The more of a sacrifice it costs the one giving help, the more healing efficacy it seems to have, even if the amount is unknown to the person receiving help. It's almost magical.
- euroderf 9mo ago
  Thank you for saying this. Some other comments here seem otherworldly.
embedding-shape 9mo ago
The best thing I've found is to ask what they need help with, then do that thing for them. One time when we just brought food (by traditional and assumption, without thinking too hard about it), it ended up being more frustrating for the people receiving it then intended.
testing22321 9mo ago
Same advise exactly for a newborn. It was incredibly helpful for us, and now we love doing it for others. I find it fitting the approach for new life and death can be the same.
- PlatoIsADisease 9mo ago
  Maybe because I'm on kid #6, but what is the hard part again? They sleep most the day, giving you an opportunity to sleep and cook. I remember kid #1, we didn't remember to burp and he was fussy, but after that, its been fine.
  - lotsofpulp 9mo ago
    > They sleep most the day, giving you an opportunity to sleep and cook. I got some douchebag babies, because they were breastfeeding every 2-3 hours for a long time. Probably every 2 hours for the first few months, so that doesn’t allow for quality sleep cycles. It also takes a while to put them to sleep, so the total period of free time could be as little as 15 to 30 minutes. The first one needed time to learn how to breastfeed (and the mom to learn also). And also, physical recovery from tears in the flesh and other complications such as hemorrhoids and hormone fluctuations.
  - lostlogin 9mo ago
    That’s an impressive run. The mother and child’s health are likely a factor in this, surely? Depending on how the delivery went, there may be a period of recovery. Combined with disrupted sleep and newborn feeding, the combination can be rough.
    - PlatoIsADisease 9mo ago
      Good point, they were all super easy births. They had high bilirubin levels, but I looked up that I could put blue light on them, and it cures it. So I brought a LED light strip and placed my kid next to a window. We also had sleep shifts. Giving each of us 3 hours of solid sleep was like 2 REM cycles. Only needed to do ~2 per night and we were mostly normal.
criddell 9mo ago
I might be a bit weird about this but… the chances of somebody making something that I want to eat is pretty small. I don’t like eating food from a non-commercial kitchen that I haven’t seen. If you want to feed me, give me a DoorDash or Uber gift card.
- grantith 9mo ago
  Yes, that is weird. It's rather normal for the average person to not be so restrictive.
- 1123581321 9mo ago
  That is unusual. I’ve encountered a couple people like this. They also refuse get-togethers in people’s homes and potlucks. One said he would be willing to come to a potluck if he could inspect everyone’s kitchens first; he wasn’t joking! It’s a blend of germaphobia and social distrust, I suppose. That said, if someone was grieving and they couldn’t handle more than receiving delivered takeout, I’d happily send it, just as I’d accommodate another dietary preference when preparing a real meal.
  - nikanj 9mo ago
    The person needs to never see a commercial kitchen from the inside, lest they starve
    - cogman10 9mo ago
      One of my neighbors has seen the inside of commercial kitchens, they simply never eat out. Everything is home cooked.
  - criddell 9mo ago
    I think it comes from some bad experiences at church potlucks and school bake sales when I was a kid. Combine that with watching people cook who taste with the stirring spoon and then stick it back in the pot and I’d rather not eat your homemade goods. I also had some bad experiences eating at my grandmothers (she was a terrible cook). I think her experiences in the Great Depression meant no food would go to waste. I ate so many years-past expiration foods when I was a kid. Have you ever had really intense food poisoning? Ugh…
lostlogin 9mo ago
From the article: “One of the neighbors actually cooked for me for four years — dinners — and her husband delivered the dinners to me." I winced at that. 4 years.
enraged_camel 9mo ago
Yes, very common in Turkish culture. My dad passed away a month ago. Everyone who came over to offer condolences brought pastries, cakes, various home-made foods. And roasted chestnuts, which are sold by street vendors in Turkey in the winter. I thought about why that is, and came to the same conclusion as you: when you are grieving you just need to be able to go through the motions, and not stressing about what foods to make is really helpful.
B1FIDO 9mo ago
A really bad platitude can be "let me know if I can help, somehow!" and then leaving it at that. Well, your friend/acquaintance may not know how you can best help. Yes, if it's a widower who lost a home-maker wife, he may need help fixing meals or cleaning house or doing laundry. Vice versa for a woman who's lost her husband. But if you don't fill them in on how you can help and the things you are good at doing they will not know how or when to ask you. And then you will not end up helping. Be concrete and specific when you offer help. You could make a list of three things to do. Then present your list as a menu of choices. Or "D", something different. Be concrete about your boundaries and schedules. Don't let them get carried away with using your services. Tell them you can give them a ride once a week to essential errands, for example. It is sometimes most helpful if there are multiple people pitching in. Really, long-term, if I were in need, I'd want to go to a professional agency for most things. A professional meal-prep service, housekeeping agency, home care agency that sends licensed and bonded pros. My volunteering friends and neighbors are well-intentioned, but this can be fraught with difficulty if they are not good, or not-so-well-intentioned after all. Many people will swoop in to take advantage of people who are perceived to be vulnerable, grieving, and willing to accept help. That's why some of us are skeptical.
- deleted 9mo ago
  [deleted]

delichon 9mo ago

The nice thing about that is that you don't have to ask how you can help, you can just help. I knew a guy who would go to a grieving household and clean their shoes.

ninalanyon 9mo ago
I think you'd have to be awfully closely associated with that household for that to work. As a widower I have to say that I really would not have wanted an outsider suddenly appearing and deciding what I needed help with when my wife died. Perhaps it would work if there were very clear signs that the bereaved were unable to cope.
- technothrasher 9mo ago
  You even have to be careful with bringing meals. When we lost a family member and all kinds of food started showing up, it was very sweet of people. But it became just one more hassle to deal with at a time when we already had too much to deal with.
  - antonymoose 9mo ago
    I feel as though you’ve skipped over the entire article, here you complain about people helping for an article titled “Let people help!”
    - AnimalMuppet 9mo ago
      But "help" has to be what will actually help, otherwise it's not actually help. That is, help has to be what the receiver considers help, not what the giver considers help. "Let me help you in the way I want to help, not in the way you actually need" is either short-sightedness or selfishness. But it's not actually helpful.
Esophagus4 9mo ago
Friends in need are the friends indeed But the friends who think of what we need They hardly talk at all, they just do it -Chris Smither

h33t-l4x0r 9mo ago

For 4 years tho?

croisillon 9mo ago
same here, i had to check the transcription was right, maybe she mixed up the words?
ninalanyon 9mo ago
That's a pretty heavy debt.
davkan 9mo ago
Let them help!

publicdebates 9mo ago

It's true. And technically many of them can afford takeout when it's too hard. But there's something healing about someone, whether family or friends, actually doing the act of helping in this way. It's a sort of transfer of love from one heart into another, which heals the broken one. The more of a sacrifice it costs the one giving help, the more healing efficacy it seems to have, even if the amount is unknown to the person receiving help. It's almost magical.

euroderf 9mo ago
Thank you for saying this. Some other comments here seem otherworldly.

embedding-shape 9mo ago

The best thing I've found is to ask what they need help with, then do that thing for them. One time when we just brought food (by traditional and assumption, without thinking too hard about it), it ended up being more frustrating for the people receiving it then intended.

testing22321 9mo ago

Same advise exactly for a newborn. It was incredibly helpful for us, and now we love doing it for others. I find it fitting the approach for new life and death can be the same.

PlatoIsADisease 9mo ago
Maybe because I'm on kid #6, but what is the hard part again? They sleep most the day, giving you an opportunity to sleep and cook. I remember kid #1, we didn't remember to burp and he was fussy, but after that, its been fine.
- lotsofpulp 9mo ago
  > They sleep most the day, giving you an opportunity to sleep and cook. I got some douchebag babies, because they were breastfeeding every 2-3 hours for a long time. Probably every 2 hours for the first few months, so that doesn’t allow for quality sleep cycles. It also takes a while to put them to sleep, so the total period of free time could be as little as 15 to 30 minutes. The first one needed time to learn how to breastfeed (and the mom to learn also). And also, physical recovery from tears in the flesh and other complications such as hemorrhoids and hormone fluctuations.
- lostlogin 9mo ago
  That’s an impressive run. The mother and child’s health are likely a factor in this, surely? Depending on how the delivery went, there may be a period of recovery. Combined with disrupted sleep and newborn feeding, the combination can be rough.
  - PlatoIsADisease 9mo ago
    Good point, they were all super easy births. They had high bilirubin levels, but I looked up that I could put blue light on them, and it cures it. So I brought a LED light strip and placed my kid next to a window. We also had sleep shifts. Giving each of us 3 hours of solid sleep was like 2 REM cycles. Only needed to do ~2 per night and we were mostly normal.

criddell 9mo ago

I might be a bit weird about this but… the chances of somebody making something that I want to eat is pretty small. I don’t like eating food from a non-commercial kitchen that I haven’t seen. If you want to feed me, give me a DoorDash or Uber gift card.

grantith 9mo ago
Yes, that is weird. It's rather normal for the average person to not be so restrictive.
1123581321 9mo ago
That is unusual. I’ve encountered a couple people like this. They also refuse get-togethers in people’s homes and potlucks. One said he would be willing to come to a potluck if he could inspect everyone’s kitchens first; he wasn’t joking! It’s a blend of germaphobia and social distrust, I suppose. That said, if someone was grieving and they couldn’t handle more than receiving delivered takeout, I’d happily send it, just as I’d accommodate another dietary preference when preparing a real meal.
- nikanj 9mo ago
  The person needs to never see a commercial kitchen from the inside, lest they starve
  - cogman10 9mo ago
    One of my neighbors has seen the inside of commercial kitchens, they simply never eat out. Everything is home cooked.
- criddell 9mo ago
  I think it comes from some bad experiences at church potlucks and school bake sales when I was a kid. Combine that with watching people cook who taste with the stirring spoon and then stick it back in the pot and I’d rather not eat your homemade goods. I also had some bad experiences eating at my grandmothers (she was a terrible cook). I think her experiences in the Great Depression meant no food would go to waste. I ate so many years-past expiration foods when I was a kid. Have you ever had really intense food poisoning? Ugh…

lostlogin 9mo ago

From the article: “One of the neighbors actually cooked for me for four years — dinners — and her husband delivered the dinners to me." I winced at that. 4 years.

enraged_camel 9mo ago

Yes, very common in Turkish culture. My dad passed away a month ago. Everyone who came over to offer condolences brought pastries, cakes, various home-made foods. And roasted chestnuts, which are sold by street vendors in Turkey in the winter. I thought about why that is, and came to the same conclusion as you: when you are grieving you just need to be able to go through the motions, and not stressing about what foods to make is really helpful.

B1FIDO 9mo ago

A really bad platitude can be "let me know if I can help, somehow!" and then leaving it at that. Well, your friend/acquaintance may not know how you can best help. Yes, if it's a widower who lost a home-maker wife, he may need help fixing meals or cleaning house or doing laundry. Vice versa for a woman who's lost her husband. But if you don't fill them in on how you can help and the things you are good at doing they will not know how or when to ask you. And then you will not end up helping. Be concrete and specific when you offer help. You could make a list of three things to do. Then present your list as a menu of choices. Or "D", something different. Be concrete about your boundaries and schedules. Don't let them get carried away with using your services. Tell them you can give them a ride once a week to essential errands, for example. It is sometimes most helpful if there are multiple people pitching in. Really, long-term, if I were in need, I'd want to go to a professional agency for most things. A professional meal-prep service, housekeeping agency, home care agency that sends licensed and bonded pros. My volunteering friends and neighbors are well-intentioned, but this can be fraught with difficulty if they are not good, or not-so-well-intentioned after all. Many people will swoop in to take advantage of people who are perceived to be vulnerable, grieving, and willing to accept help. That's why some of us are skeptical.

deleted 9mo ago
[deleted]