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My family is almost 100% Asker. When I got to college, I drove Guessers nuts. They thought I was so selfish and would blow up at me (from my perspective) out of
by entropicdrifter 9mo ago
My family is almost 100% Asker. When I got to college, I drove Guessers nuts. They thought I was so selfish and would blow up at me (from my perspective) out of nowhere.
"No" is always a perfectly fine and polite answer from my perspective
- arcfour 9mo agoIt's a shame more people don't assume good faith so we can have more direct and honest communication with each other.
- cvoss 9mo agoGuessers don't believe Askers are asking in bad faith at all. If Guessers did believe that, it would be way easier for them to say no to Askers. It's precisely because the Guesser believes in the sincerity of the request that it becomes painful to deny it.
- TeMPOraL 9mo agoIndeed. It's the immediate assumption that since you're asking me, it must be important to you - otherwise you wouldn't be asking in the first place. I want to be the kind of person that helps others where it matters, and here you are, asking, thus proving it matters. Refusing becomes really uncomfortable, so I'd rather go out of my way to make it possible for me to agree, or failing that, to help your underlying need as much as I can. I realize now this is a form of typical mind fallacy - I wouldn't ask you for something if it wasn't really fucking important or I had any other option available, therefore I naturally assume that your act of asking already proves the request is very important to you. I guess I just learned I'm a Guesser :).
- ozgung 9mo agoThat's the really painful part. They ask you for something, you say 'yes' thinking it's important for the person, only to learn that it wasn't that important at all. It's like giving something that you don't want to give to someone that doesn't need it. Really annoying.
- entropicdrifter 9mo agoSo how would you recommend communicating desires that are less strong than "important"? I try to include the priority level of my requests inside the question itself, personally. As in, "Hey do you think you could xyz if it's not too much trouble? Not a high priority for me, but it would be convenient is all." Do you recommend something like that?
- duskdozer 9mo agoAs another guesser, yes, basically something like that. Some kind of clarifying statement on how important it is to you.
- jasondigitized 9mo agoExcept a lot af askers will put you in an uncomfortable spot. No I don't want you and your family staying at my house while you are in town.
- elgenie 9mo agoDiscomfort is present only if you suspect they're a Guesser and thus one of you has greatly misjudged the relationship and social context. If you know or suspect they're an Asker the discomfort disappears because you say "No" and they say "OK, cool".
- lloydjones 9mo agoI think guessers agonise over HOW to say "No" in contexts like this, and what it says about them as people. "Can my family and I stay for two weeks?". Then: "No." (looks cold and heartless; do I want to project cold and heartless? Will they hate me?). "I'm so sorry but I'm not able to. The house is a mess and it's really small" (performative, hand-wringing reluctance; we both know I'm lying). "I just don't like to share my environment" (most truthful; might look petty to those who don't understand the need for privacy to that degree).
- lloydjones 9mo agoHaving said that, I have become a lot better at being direct these past few years, so I'd likely just say "I'm not able to, sorry. I can recommend some good hotels though".
- j1elo 9mo agoAll this rings true, which brings me to this question: are Guessers just a bunch of Overthinkers?
- lloydjones 9mo agoThey are, yes
- 9mo ago
- xyzal 9mo agoA uni pal with the samey attitude had a wonderful motto - "better to look stupid than to be stupid".