4 ms·

I took a career break and was weirded out by the question of "how do I introduce myself?". So used to saying "Hi, I'm Marcus, I'm IT Director of <business>" tha

I took a career break and was weirded out by the question of "how do I introduce myself?". So used to saying "Hi, I'm Marcus, I'm IT Director of <business>" that suddenly having nothing to say there was strange. When people asked "what do you do?" I had no good answer, and that felt like I had no good identity. I guess for Sergey Brin it's a little different, he will always be "Founder of Google" even if he leaves Google. But that "work as identity" may still be a problem. For a lot of us, what we do is who we are, and so not having any work to do is like not having an identity.

dmitrygr 10mo ago
> When people asked "what do you do?" I found that outside of CA, this is asked a lot less often. In CA people ask that so they can mentally rank you as worth their time or not. Elsewhere, people ask you how your weekend went, or how your family is. One of the awesome parts of moving to Austin was not hearing that as the first question as much.
- alexjplant 10mo ago
  > I found that outside of CA, this is asked a lot less often. I moved to California a few years ago from the Least Coast (insert shaka, surfer, wave emojis here) and had multiple other out-of-towners in the same situation as me say the exact opposite at a party. They all were adamant that they had yet to hear "what do you do [for a living]?" since they'd moved as they did ad nauseum when they lived on the other side of the country. I've not noticed either way. My pet theory is that people hear this frequently if their social and professional lives bleed into each other which they do if one lives in a town dominated by a specific industry or profession. Those moving westward during COVID and remote work suddenly had to contend with this much less.
  - zippyman55 10mo ago
    Never hear that question either. I don’t ask it either. I’ve actually been pretty successful but asking that question seems to rank someone on a scale that does not reflect their amazing contributions to society.
    - alexjplant 10mo ago
      I ask because a) I'm interested in the same way that a child is in what people's jobs are and b) it gives me a frame of reference for interacting with them conversationally vis a vis common ground. Wealth signaling still seems to me to be done primarily by conspicuous consumption and expensive hobbies.
- Klonoar 10mo ago
  It’s so commonly asked in DC that it’s been a meme in dating circles there for decades.
burner420042 10mo ago
You're describing my father. Now that he's retired his lack of hobbies is really catching up to him. His only hobby has been working and I've noted this about him since I was an adolescent and decided then as something I would not emulate. A few times I've quit a FAANG job with no plan for after other than to wander, and both times the lack of professional competition meant not just coasting horizontally but that I was actually lowering myself somehow. Hard to explain, and I don't fully understand it. I also noticed most people, especially women, determine your value by your 'right now'. While intentionally unemployed I'd answer truthfully and with a smile, 'I'm unemployed!' which visibly confused people.
- RobRivera 10mo ago
  The people worth knowing were the ones enthusiastically socializing with me after uttering that phrase.
- throwaway98797 10mo ago
  life is phase oriented when i’m working i find retired people boring when im taking 6+ month break i find the nervous energy of employed people annoying ultimately, comfort comes from being around like minded people then again seeking comfort rings hollow to me, even though it’s quite enjoyable in the moment.
- james_marks 10mo ago
  This is especially true around NYC, SF, LA. The culture is built around accomplishment and work identity. Much less true in other places (e.g. Midwest), where community / taking care of others is valued.
- mrguyorama 10mo ago
  >While intentionally unemployed I'd answer truthfully and with a smile, 'I'm unemployed!' which visibly confused people. The proper term is "Funemployed"
  - cap11235 10mo ago
    "gainfully unemployed" is a fun one to use.
intended 10mo ago
Hoo boy, this is definitely a weird one to navigate, especially if you have a weird set of roles. It takes time to settle various threads and figure out how to address this.
mckn1ght 10mo ago
I’ve found asking “what do you like to do” vs “what do you do” to produce much more interesting conversation.
- stavros 10mo ago
  I really don't like getting asked what I do for a living. I exchange labour for money somewhere out of necessity, what's at all interesting about that? What I do in my free time is who I am, and that's much more interesting to talk about, to me.
  - dirkc 10mo ago
    I sometimes joke and say that I type for a living, not entirely untrue. But I've found that sometimes people are offended if I answer their question evasively
    - dopidopHN2 10mo ago
      I work in a buttons factory
      - dirkc 10mo ago
        sometime I say "push buttons for a living" instead of typing :) Can also describe my job as 'endlessly deliberate over the placement of pixels'
  - oefrha 10mo ago
    I don’t like getting asked what I do for hobbies. The real answer I want to give is “none of your business”, but I’m polite enough to never say that, so it gets awkward. Getting asked what I do for a living is totally fine. It’s on my website, the whole world can find out if they bother to search. I’ll save you a search. The point is people are different. Not everyone wants to share their private interests with you, especially if you just met. What you consider interesting conversation, well, for some of us it’s just intrusive. I also don’t care what you like to do 99% of the time. I’ve been socially forced to sit through way too many of these “interesting conversations”.
scotty79 10mo ago
> When people asked "what do you do?" "I mostly breathe. It's a bore but you gotta do it" "I meant for a living" "Same"
- blitzar 10mo ago
  "waste management"
  - throw101010 10mo ago
    I'd say we moreso produce waste than manage it as humans. We seem actually pretty bad at managing it unfortunately.
2muchcoffeeman 10mo ago
Who were you before you got a job? No one? Nothing? I identify more with myself as a child than I ever did with my work. Why would I identify with someone else’s goals that I’m being paid to help achieve?
- scottyah 10mo ago
  If you ever get to talk to people who are more than laborers trading time for dollars, it is great fun. When dollars are just one of the many rewards from their career (where a person spends like 80% of their life energy), you get to hear a lot of passion, learning and growth. It really is a whole different way to live.
lucianbr 10mo ago
What is the point of the "I'm Marcus" part of your introduction? Reading your post I get the impression it has zero value, or at least you think so. > Hi, I'm Marcus > What do you do Marcus > I'm on a break now, but I used to be a director of IT Is this really difficult? Seems really easy, and I was never a director of anything. Maybe that's the problem.
- jaapz 10mo ago
  For some people, their work/job is just such a big part of their identity, that for them this is a problem. That is I guess the point the person you were replying to was trying to make. It's also not really weird for a job to become such a big part of your identity, when people spend most of their time at work or at home thinking about their work.
  - phrotoma 10mo ago
    A couple years ago a friend of mine mentioned that he had known another mutual friend of ours for many years, much longer than I would have guessed. I asked him "what does he do?" and he thought for a moment before saying "you know ... I have no idea, it has never come up". Definitely one of his more interesting qualities.
    - foobarian 10mo ago
      I don't know if this is acceptable in the US, but I always found it distasteful when people ask about your job 30 seconds into meeting you. I think it's much more polite to talk about generic stuff until jobs or skills come up naturally. Sometimes, they just never do, and that's fine. Need to know!
  - jasode 10mo ago
    >For some people, their work/job is just such a big part of their identity, that for them this is a problem. That's only 1/2 of the dynamic. People also like to assign an identity to others. For example, if I say, "I'm semi-retired." ... the follow-up question is always "Oh, so what did you do before that?" ... which is polite coded-speak for, "Did you inherit money or what work did you do for money that put you in the position to do that?" People are naturally curious about your rough level of success, wealth, expertise, etc. Having a "no identity" stance isn't really a satisfactory answer for many listeners. They want to know more. EDIT to replies: I do understand the harmless "small talk" aspect. I should've added more to re-emphasize the "people assigning identity" aspect. Once I reply to the followup question with "Oh, I used to do consulting for finance" what then happens is others then introduce me as "And this is jasode -- he was a consultant for X". My ex-consultant life that I last did over 15 years ago is now part of a tagline/subheading associated with my name even though I never intended it. The point is other people have this irresistible urge to "fill in the blank" with an identity -- especially an identity that is tied to how one earned money. I'm not complaining about this and it's just an observation of what humans naturally do.
weinzierl 10mo ago
> So used to saying "Hi, I'm Marcus, I'm IT Director of <business>" [..] Risking a stereotype. In my experience from traveling the world it's a tell-tale sign for being from a culture heavily influenced by the Protestant work ethic. Introduce yourself like that in Spain, Italy, or Brazil and you'll get strange looks. On the flip side, I've found that people who do not define themselves through their work primarily often do so through family. My younger self is certainly guilty of giving someone a strange look when within the first five minutes of meeting them, they told me whose cousin they were.
- throw101010 10mo ago
  In a business/formal context it would be normal to introduce yourself like this in the countries you've mentioned. Do people introduce themselves like that in informal contexts in the USA? If so that's indeed a bit weird, and more a topic you would start talking about for small talk or if someone asked about it.
  - dopidopHN2 10mo ago
    Depends on where. In big city yes
  - abraxas 10mo ago
    Americans don't usually have friends. Just "contacts". Working age "parties" are often just cloaked networking events.
    - stuxnet79 10mo ago
      Not sure why this is being downvoted. It is very much true in my opinion, especially so for the big coastal metro areas.
  - endemic 10mo ago
    I would find it strange if someone introduced themselves to me with their business title. I sometimes ask "what do you do for a living?" as small talk, but that's solicited.
blitzar 10mo ago
> So used to saying "Hi, I'm Marcus, I'm IT Director of <business>" Tech bros would mock Finance bros who would open a conversation with anyone who would listen with "Hi, I'm Marcus, I work at Goldman Sachs" and yet here we are now ... "Hi, I'm Marcus, I work at Google"
rwmj 10mo ago
Make up a name, print some business cards, and be a "director" (or whatever title you like) of your own Potemkin company.
triceratops 10mo ago
> "what do you do?" "Whatever I feel like"
QuercusMax 10mo ago
When I lived in the bay area for a few years, everybody would tell you where they worked, and if you didn't tell them, they'd ask. Since moving to Portland, I've definitely noticed that people are much more interested in what you do during your leisure time.
jonfromsf 10mo ago
After a decade, "founder of X that I no longer work at" is considered a lame answer. People want to know what you are doing now, not your highest claim to status of your entire life.

dmitrygr 10mo ago

> When people asked "what do you do?" I found that outside of CA, this is asked a lot less often. In CA people ask that so they can mentally rank you as worth their time or not. Elsewhere, people ask you how your weekend went, or how your family is. One of the awesome parts of moving to Austin was not hearing that as the first question as much.

alexjplant 10mo ago
> I found that outside of CA, this is asked a lot less often. I moved to California a few years ago from the Least Coast (insert shaka, surfer, wave emojis here) and had multiple other out-of-towners in the same situation as me say the exact opposite at a party. They all were adamant that they had yet to hear "what do you do [for a living]?" since they'd moved as they did ad nauseum when they lived on the other side of the country. I've not noticed either way. My pet theory is that people hear this frequently if their social and professional lives bleed into each other which they do if one lives in a town dominated by a specific industry or profession. Those moving westward during COVID and remote work suddenly had to contend with this much less.
- zippyman55 10mo ago
  Never hear that question either. I don’t ask it either. I’ve actually been pretty successful but asking that question seems to rank someone on a scale that does not reflect their amazing contributions to society.
  - alexjplant 10mo ago
    I ask because a) I'm interested in the same way that a child is in what people's jobs are and b) it gives me a frame of reference for interacting with them conversationally vis a vis common ground. Wealth signaling still seems to me to be done primarily by conspicuous consumption and expensive hobbies.
Klonoar 10mo ago
It’s so commonly asked in DC that it’s been a meme in dating circles there for decades.

burner420042 10mo ago

You're describing my father. Now that he's retired his lack of hobbies is really catching up to him. His only hobby has been working and I've noted this about him since I was an adolescent and decided then as something I would not emulate. A few times I've quit a FAANG job with no plan for after other than to wander, and both times the lack of professional competition meant not just coasting horizontally but that I was actually lowering myself somehow. Hard to explain, and I don't fully understand it. I also noticed most people, especially women, determine your value by your 'right now'. While intentionally unemployed I'd answer truthfully and with a smile, 'I'm unemployed!' which visibly confused people.

RobRivera 10mo ago
The people worth knowing were the ones enthusiastically socializing with me after uttering that phrase.
throwaway98797 10mo ago
life is phase oriented when i’m working i find retired people boring when im taking 6+ month break i find the nervous energy of employed people annoying ultimately, comfort comes from being around like minded people then again seeking comfort rings hollow to me, even though it’s quite enjoyable in the moment.
james_marks 10mo ago
This is especially true around NYC, SF, LA. The culture is built around accomplishment and work identity. Much less true in other places (e.g. Midwest), where community / taking care of others is valued.
mrguyorama 10mo ago
>While intentionally unemployed I'd answer truthfully and with a smile, 'I'm unemployed!' which visibly confused people. The proper term is "Funemployed"
- cap11235 10mo ago
  "gainfully unemployed" is a fun one to use.

intended 10mo ago

Hoo boy, this is definitely a weird one to navigate, especially if you have a weird set of roles. It takes time to settle various threads and figure out how to address this.

mckn1ght 10mo ago

I’ve found asking “what do you like to do” vs “what do you do” to produce much more interesting conversation.

stavros 10mo ago
I really don't like getting asked what I do for a living. I exchange labour for money somewhere out of necessity, what's at all interesting about that? What I do in my free time is who I am, and that's much more interesting to talk about, to me.
- dirkc 10mo ago
  I sometimes joke and say that I type for a living, not entirely untrue. But I've found that sometimes people are offended if I answer their question evasively
  - dopidopHN2 10mo ago
    I work in a buttons factory
    - dirkc 10mo ago
      sometime I say "push buttons for a living" instead of typing :) Can also describe my job as 'endlessly deliberate over the placement of pixels'
- oefrha 10mo ago
  I don’t like getting asked what I do for hobbies. The real answer I want to give is “none of your business”, but I’m polite enough to never say that, so it gets awkward. Getting asked what I do for a living is totally fine. It’s on my website, the whole world can find out if they bother to search. I’ll save you a search. The point is people are different. Not everyone wants to share their private interests with you, especially if you just met. What you consider interesting conversation, well, for some of us it’s just intrusive. I also don’t care what you like to do 99% of the time. I’ve been socially forced to sit through way too many of these “interesting conversations”.

scotty79 10mo ago

> When people asked "what do you do?" "I mostly breathe. It's a bore but you gotta do it" "I meant for a living" "Same"

blitzar 10mo ago
"waste management"
- throw101010 10mo ago
  I'd say we moreso produce waste than manage it as humans. We seem actually pretty bad at managing it unfortunately.

2muchcoffeeman 10mo ago

Who were you before you got a job? No one? Nothing? I identify more with myself as a child than I ever did with my work. Why would I identify with someone else’s goals that I’m being paid to help achieve?

scottyah 10mo ago
If you ever get to talk to people who are more than laborers trading time for dollars, it is great fun. When dollars are just one of the many rewards from their career (where a person spends like 80% of their life energy), you get to hear a lot of passion, learning and growth. It really is a whole different way to live.

lucianbr 10mo ago

What is the point of the "I'm Marcus" part of your introduction? Reading your post I get the impression it has zero value, or at least you think so. > Hi, I'm Marcus > What do you do Marcus > I'm on a break now, but I used to be a director of IT Is this really difficult? Seems really easy, and I was never a director of anything. Maybe that's the problem.

jaapz 10mo ago
For some people, their work/job is just such a big part of their identity, that for them this is a problem. That is I guess the point the person you were replying to was trying to make. It's also not really weird for a job to become such a big part of your identity, when people spend most of their time at work or at home thinking about their work.
- phrotoma 10mo ago
  A couple years ago a friend of mine mentioned that he had known another mutual friend of ours for many years, much longer than I would have guessed. I asked him "what does he do?" and he thought for a moment before saying "you know ... I have no idea, it has never come up". Definitely one of his more interesting qualities.
  - foobarian 10mo ago
    I don't know if this is acceptable in the US, but I always found it distasteful when people ask about your job 30 seconds into meeting you. I think it's much more polite to talk about generic stuff until jobs or skills come up naturally. Sometimes, they just never do, and that's fine. Need to know!
- jasode 10mo ago
  >For some people, their work/job is just such a big part of their identity, that for them this is a problem. That's only 1/2 of the dynamic. People also like to assign an identity to others. For example, if I say, "I'm semi-retired." ... the follow-up question is always "Oh, so what did you do before that?" ... which is polite coded-speak for, "Did you inherit money or what work did you do for money that put you in the position to do that?" People are naturally curious about your rough level of success, wealth, expertise, etc. Having a "no identity" stance isn't really a satisfactory answer for many listeners. They want to know more. EDIT to replies: I do understand the harmless "small talk" aspect. I should've added more to re-emphasize the "people assigning identity" aspect. Once I reply to the followup question with "Oh, I used to do consulting for finance" what then happens is others then introduce me as "And this is jasode -- he was a consultant for X". My ex-consultant life that I last did over 15 years ago is now part of a tagline/subheading associated with my name even though I never intended it. The point is other people have this irresistible urge to "fill in the blank" with an identity -- especially an identity that is tied to how one earned money. I'm not complaining about this and it's just an observation of what humans naturally do.

weinzierl 10mo ago

> So used to saying "Hi, I'm Marcus, I'm IT Director of <business>" [..] Risking a stereotype. In my experience from traveling the world it's a tell-tale sign for being from a culture heavily influenced by the Protestant work ethic. Introduce yourself like that in Spain, Italy, or Brazil and you'll get strange looks. On the flip side, I've found that people who do not define themselves through their work primarily often do so through family. My younger self is certainly guilty of giving someone a strange look when within the first five minutes of meeting them, they told me whose cousin they were.

throw101010 10mo ago
In a business/formal context it would be normal to introduce yourself like this in the countries you've mentioned. Do people introduce themselves like that in informal contexts in the USA? If so that's indeed a bit weird, and more a topic you would start talking about for small talk or if someone asked about it.
- dopidopHN2 10mo ago
  Depends on where. In big city yes
- abraxas 10mo ago
  Americans don't usually have friends. Just "contacts". Working age "parties" are often just cloaked networking events.
  - stuxnet79 10mo ago
    Not sure why this is being downvoted. It is very much true in my opinion, especially so for the big coastal metro areas.
- endemic 10mo ago
  I would find it strange if someone introduced themselves to me with their business title. I sometimes ask "what do you do for a living?" as small talk, but that's solicited.

blitzar 10mo ago

> So used to saying "Hi, I'm Marcus, I'm IT Director of <business>" Tech bros would mock Finance bros who would open a conversation with anyone who would listen with "Hi, I'm Marcus, I work at Goldman Sachs" and yet here we are now ... "Hi, I'm Marcus, I work at Google"

rwmj 10mo ago

Make up a name, print some business cards, and be a "director" (or whatever title you like) of your own Potemkin company.

triceratops 10mo ago

> "what do you do?" "Whatever I feel like"

QuercusMax 10mo ago

When I lived in the bay area for a few years, everybody would tell you where they worked, and if you didn't tell them, they'd ask. Since moving to Portland, I've definitely noticed that people are much more interested in what you do during your leisure time.

jonfromsf 10mo ago

After a decade, "founder of X that I no longer work at" is considered a lame answer. People want to know what you are doing now, not your highest claim to status of your entire life.