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I never said women don't need men, did I? Let me read what I said again. No, I never said that. I said women need safety, and society is largely not safe for

I never said women don't need men, did I? Let me read what I said again. No, I never said that. I said women need safety, and society is largely not safe for them. Human beings are social creatures. Women need men. Women need women. Men need women. Men need men. We all need each other. The system patterns of online dating cultivate undesirable traits in both men and women which result in side effects that no one would want. "Flakiness" is one such side effect. Online dating dynamics create high abundance, low commitment environments that systematically produce “flakiness,” so the issue isn’t about women needing men or not, but that both sexes operate in a degraded safety/trust landscape shaped by platform incentives rather than by real world social cues. Restore actual interpersonal safety and the entire pattern shifts positive, with less defensive behavior, less attrition, less pain, and more ethical orgasms. All people, regardless of gender, should cultivate a safety in both society and in themselves. This safety is liberating. Instead of controlling people, you free them. Instead of binding, you uplift. Instead of harming, you heal. This is the basis of safety.

HeinzStuckeIt 10mo ago
Perhaps one of the problems with modern dating is that women expect a man to provide safety, but many men don’t want to be viewed as a source of safety? Me, I am only interested in relationship for companionship, someone with whom I can share interesting experiences, because joy is not complete unless it is shared. But when it comes to safety and security, a partner is on her own. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t do this or that for a partner, but it would be supererogatory. My male friends have a similar complaint, this isn’t just a HN thing. Again, this is probably an outcome of modernity. I likely wouldn’t think this way as a man, if I didn’t grow up in a modern age hearing that women are strong, they can take care of themselves and no longer depend on men.
- survirtual 10mo ago
  We're speaking to different things. Safety doesn't mean you're a provider. It means you are safe to be authentic with. Safe to share truth with. That safety takes many forms. You cannot have depth without that safety. It is physical, it is also emotional and intellectual. For instance, without safety a partner would never join you on many interesting experiences. If you want those experiences, they need to be able to trust you. Now extend that idea of safety to a broad society context, and that is approaching what I was speaking to.
  - HeinzStuckeIt 10mo ago
    The safety I have heard demanded directly from women to me as a partner – or from female friends about the man they seek – is the safety of being a provider, giving them a feeling of security that they can’t manage to achieve on their own. It’s not just about a man being safe to be with. Again, you are speaking about something I haven’t heard from actual women, and I think I’ll trust the latter (and reportage matching it) over a HN stranger for forming my assumption of what women want from relationships. And again, maybe part of why women might be having problems with dating is that many men today don’t want to be seen as a big emotional support for a partner either. That’s draining and time-consuming. This might bother you, but my whole point is that the social pressures are no longer there to compel men (or women) to act a certain way, and that is impacting dating.
    - deleted 10mo ago
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    - staticman2 10mo ago
      You keep using words like "Provider" and "security". The words "provider" and "security" do not have specific meanings. I'm practice this could describe anything from: "I want a guy who is ripped like Conan the barbarian and beats the crap out of anyone who dares look at me funny" to: "I want to be a stay at home mom." To: "I want a guy with a job who splits rent with me."
    - survirtual 10mo ago
      Cool man. You know best. I hope it all goes well for you.
    - jrflowers 10mo ago
      > from women to me as a partner – or from female friends about the man they seek How many people are you talking about here? Like if you had to rephrase this point using numbers would you say “I’ve heard half a dozen women say this”? That aside, can you elaborate on safety as a demand? I’ve never had a partner or friend demand safety from me, ever. The only times in my life that I have seen someone demand safety from another is when the latter is acting violent or reckless to the point that their behavior poses a threat.
- deleted 10mo ago
  [deleted]

HeinzStuckeIt 10mo ago

Perhaps one of the problems with modern dating is that women expect a man to provide safety, but many men don’t want to be viewed as a source of safety? Me, I am only interested in relationship for companionship, someone with whom I can share interesting experiences, because joy is not complete unless it is shared. But when it comes to safety and security, a partner is on her own. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t do this or that for a partner, but it would be supererogatory. My male friends have a similar complaint, this isn’t just a HN thing. Again, this is probably an outcome of modernity. I likely wouldn’t think this way as a man, if I didn’t grow up in a modern age hearing that women are strong, they can take care of themselves and no longer depend on men.

survirtual 10mo ago
We're speaking to different things. Safety doesn't mean you're a provider. It means you are safe to be authentic with. Safe to share truth with. That safety takes many forms. You cannot have depth without that safety. It is physical, it is also emotional and intellectual. For instance, without safety a partner would never join you on many interesting experiences. If you want those experiences, they need to be able to trust you. Now extend that idea of safety to a broad society context, and that is approaching what I was speaking to.
- HeinzStuckeIt 10mo ago
  The safety I have heard demanded directly from women to me as a partner – or from female friends about the man they seek – is the safety of being a provider, giving them a feeling of security that they can’t manage to achieve on their own. It’s not just about a man being safe to be with. Again, you are speaking about something I haven’t heard from actual women, and I think I’ll trust the latter (and reportage matching it) over a HN stranger for forming my assumption of what women want from relationships. And again, maybe part of why women might be having problems with dating is that many men today don’t want to be seen as a big emotional support for a partner either. That’s draining and time-consuming. This might bother you, but my whole point is that the social pressures are no longer there to compel men (or women) to act a certain way, and that is impacting dating.
  - deleted 10mo ago
    [deleted]
  - staticman2 10mo ago
    You keep using words like "Provider" and "security". The words "provider" and "security" do not have specific meanings. I'm practice this could describe anything from: "I want a guy who is ripped like Conan the barbarian and beats the crap out of anyone who dares look at me funny" to: "I want to be a stay at home mom." To: "I want a guy with a job who splits rent with me."
  - survirtual 10mo ago
    Cool man. You know best. I hope it all goes well for you.
  - jrflowers 10mo ago
    > from women to me as a partner – or from female friends about the man they seek How many people are you talking about here? Like if you had to rephrase this point using numbers would you say “I’ve heard half a dozen women say this”? That aside, can you elaborate on safety as a demand? I’ve never had a partner or friend demand safety from me, ever. The only times in my life that I have seen someone demand safety from another is when the latter is acting violent or reckless to the point that their behavior poses a threat.
deleted 10mo ago
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