13 ms·

Back in college, when Facebook was still pretty new, I met this fairly attractive girl who told me she put horseback riding as one of her interests, even though

Back in college, when Facebook was still pretty new, I met this fairly attractive girl who told me she put horseback riding as one of her interests, even though she doesn't ride. When guys would approach her out of the blue and casually move the conversation into horseback riding, she knew that had been pre-stalking her on Facebook. I always thought that was a rather clever social hack.

muyuu 14y ago
If a classmate or a coworker checked me in FB or something of the sort (not possible really since I keep my online identities fairly secret) I would consider it being attentive and interested, not a stalker. Stalking is not a word to be throwing around willy-nilly.
- majormajor 14y ago
  The weird/stalkery part of it is checking them out extensively on Facebook first instead of just talking to them. If I was a girl in college and a classmate did that first I think I'd be a bit weirded out that he felt the need to try to come up with interests to talk about in advance instead of just starting up a conversation and finding out stuff about me. But there's a lot of social conditioning in this—like, if I was a guy in college, and a girl did that to me, I'd be more understanding because girls in the US generally aren't encouraged to cold-approach guys in the first place, and so it would be cool for it to happen, period. You can pretend to have shared interests at first regardless of how you find out about the other person's interests, so it's not restricted solely to that sort of creepiness, but it still feels like an awfully roundabout way of talking to someone you want to talk to compared to just talking to them.
  - jiggy2011 14y ago
    Well, it's not a big investment in time to check out somebodies Facebook profile. Besides you might not have an opportunity to talk to them face to face right away. Besides if you check out somebody you might like and find that they are into Scientology or extreme right wing politics or whatever you might reconsider asking them out in the first place.
  - nancyhua 14y ago
    Doesn't everyone invite everyone to stalk everyone now by putting their information everywhere online? Stalking your crush is the original purpose of Facebook according to that movie. The main thing e-stalking reveals is how interested the guy is, and maybe how smooth he is (smooth guys don't do as much research, or they know how to hide it better). So if he brings up the horses, she knows he's into her and maybe a little awkward, but it doesn't tell her he's definitely a psycho- she'll probably judge his weirdness from his appearance and manner. The creepiness of normal stalking depends on how attractive the target finds the stalker. If you're a hot, rich, 100 year old vampire, you can watch a girl sleep every night for months and she'll think it's awesome (but the vampire didn't admit he was doing it until after they were dating). If he realized "horseback riding" was the key she'd used to encrypt all her passwords, then that'd be a serious red flag. So there's certainly a point where stalking becomes creepy no matter how hot you are, but looking at someone's Facebook profile isn't it.
  - muyuu 14y ago
    I'm not denying stalking exists. I'm just saying that her "stalking detector" is utter nonsense. Someone who knows enough about you to find you online (knows your name, has seen you, has probably said hi to you) actually saw you online either by searching or by FB suggestions, and saw the part of the profile that you left public. So far nothing stalky about this. This is just someone who wants to know more about you or wants to strike a conversation with you. Now, if this was a complete stranger who followed you to your locker to find out your name, has it tattooed in his or her butt, slept in his or her car outside of your house, etc, then yeah that's pretty fucked up. But the fact that people look up what you make public about you isn't stalking. Looks to me like someone with a precious princess complex. Checking on someone's FB and not directly admitting is normal if there's not much confidence, as in not enough to actually send a friend request. Trying to avoid awkwardness is completely human.
  - waterlesscloud 14y ago
    What is the point of having interests listed on Facebook? It's so that people can discover things you have in common that may not have come up in your conversations. That's why it's there at all. Well, that and better ad targeting, but they sell it to us for the reason above.
- phaus 14y ago
  So you would want men to look up your interests online so they can intentionally deceive you by pretending they like the same things? Even if you don't consider it creepy, it doesn't sound like the basis of a strong relationship.
  - m_for_monkey 14y ago
    The point of posting your interests online would be to attract other people with similar interests. That girl was anticipated a stalker, but what she got was most probably a perfectly normal guy who checked her out beforehand to ensure compatibility.
    - phaus 14y ago
      He was probably a perfectly normal guy, but I doubt that he checked her out to "ensure compatibility." It is perfectly normal for young men to pretend that they are interested in things which they aren't in order to attract a girl's attention. Maybe some of the guys who approached her were genuinely interested in horses, but the majority probably just wanted to give a good impression. There's nothing wrong with trying to give someone a good impression, but when you research someone's hobbies so you can feign interest in them, you are starting your relationship off on the wrong foot. If you can't be yourself around someone, then things probably aren't going to work out anyways.
- Falling3 14y ago
  Yes, but this is the internet where words take on nuanced meanings. Back when I was visiting colleges (pre-FB), there was a school that had a social network that was very similar to the early Facebook. Looking for possible dates on there was referred to e-stalking. And since Facebook has taken off, I've heard the word used in the same context fairly often.
  - deleted 14y ago
    [deleted]
  - georgemcbay 14y ago
    As with all pre-mating rituals (both new and tech-based and old and non-tech-based) someone looking you up on a social network is simply part of the game if the person is attractive to you. If they are unattractive to you, it is [e-]stalking.
    - majormajor 14y ago
      And for some people, someone looking you up online so that they can "casually" steer an initial conversation to a pre-researched interest is itself a signal that makes that person less attractive to them. EDIT: I've known otherwise-attractive guys who've done things like that and provoked "creepy" as a reaction; I've known otherwise-attractive girls who've done similar things and provoked "desperate" as a reaction. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but in general the further you get past just talking to mutual friends for "research" the more you're risking coming off bad. The real trick is trying without looking like you're trying. "I dunno, fly casual." The thing that gets lost in all these attempts to come off good initially is that just being able to talk to someone entirely off-the-cuff and carry a conversation is a very valuable skill—one that's worth practicing!
      - georgemcbay 14y ago
        Certainly YMMV greatly on these things. Speaking for myself, if someone simply looks up public information on the net about someone else they are interested in, that's pretty normal and anyone who claims to have never done it is likely full of shit (or very old). The creepiness comes in depending upon how they use that information. If they use it to lie and suggest their interests are aligned in ways they aren't or in other deceptive ways then yeah that's creepy but in a way that is actually independent of the so-called "e-stalking". It would still be creepy if they learned the information they used from a friend or whatever other old-school method. If, on the other hand, the person sees on Facebook that you're a huge fan of some hobby and they too are actually a huge fan of some hobby and they mention that, I don't see that as being creepy at all, but again YMMV.
- jessedhillon 14y ago
  That's because you probably are not used to having attention placed on you, so all attention is "wanted." If you are a male, you almost never have had to deal with unwanted, persistent, obsessive attention, and so you are unaware of early cues that can indicate the person you're speaking with is a creep. Things like, "this person extensively investigates my background before having met me," "this person obsesses over me," etc.
  - rmc 14y ago
    A lot of heterosexual men can experience this by going to gay bars. You'll see what its like to have people start at you and try to chat you up.
    - muyuu 14y ago
      If you go to a gay bar it's expected. If I went to a gay bar for some reason and got chatted up, I'd just make it clear I'm not gay. Problem solved.
      - te_chris 14y ago
        I'm not sure if you're missing the point willfully or accidentally, but you are either way. No one should have to expect to be sleazed onto if they're at a bar.
      - jessedhillon 14y ago
        Instead of shooting out a reaction formed entirely from your intellect, while sitting at a keyboard: go do it first, then come back and tell us if you think the problem was solved by a simple "no thanks." The gay bar scenario is telling -- males can be very aggressive, and simultaneously, willfully oblivious to "back off" signals. Your polite request for privacy and unwelcoming body language might protect you from, say, 90% of approachers. The remainder can be very overt and dominating in their attempts. So yeah, if you're so confident that you've solved the problems of every attractive woman, everywhere: try it out.
        14y ago
- rimantas 14y ago
  As reddit puts it: if you are handsome it's "so sweet", if you are ugly it's stalking.
  - thebigshane 14y ago
    As typical of reddit: sounds clever, but ultimately shallow. And obviously written by nerdy boys. The real world is far more complicated. I'm sure most girls would agree that less attractive gents can be considered "so sweet" and handsome gents can definitely be creepy.
    - jiggy2011 14y ago
      Sure, but it's much more difficult. I have a friend who is quite unattractive, women seem to get creeped out by him if he so much as sits near them.
streptomycin 14y ago
She may have inadvertently miscategorized some pick up artists as Facebook stalkers, for better or worse, as it's a fairly well known opener to talk about horses: http://becomingpua.com/blog/pua-opener-horse-girl.html http://becomingpua.com/blog/pua-opener-horse-girl.html
- notatoad 14y ago
  I can only imagine that "pick up artists" are even lower down on the list of people that girls want to talk to than facebook stalkers are.
  - zerostar07 14y ago
    But if they don't work, why are they called (and respected as) PUAs? Is it some kind of jedi mind trick on redditors?
    - Jach 14y ago
      There are plenty of men and women who are dumb and/or easy to please. Though I would agree with your parent comment that given a woman doesn't like "facebook stalkers" and is alert for their presence, she probably also won't like PUAs and is alert for their presence.
    - badclient 14y ago
      Because it works. I've to look no further than myself. It's changed me significantly for the better in this area of life. The term PUA has a negative association in the mainstream because there is a perception it uses jedi mind tricks to bed the girl. This is not helped by myriad of products aimed at newbies that promise overnight success. On average though, most decent PUAs become decent after lots of practice to become less shy and more charming. Many many of them are nerds(my wing is a RoR programmer and also very good with the ladies).
      - derleth 14y ago
        > The term PUA has a negative association in the mainstream because there is a perception it uses jedi mind tricks to bed the girl. Maybe among some people. The rest of us look at crap like 'negging' and see that the whole thing's a tactic to get the emotionally damaged to sleep with the socially stunted.
peterhajas 14y ago
There's that word again. What on earth is a "social hack"?
- loup-vaillant 14y ago
  http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTHeTin http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ExactlyWhatItSays... It's a hack because it's clever, unexpected, and small. It's social because it happens to be about a type of social interaction.
- ksmiley 14y ago
  Social - adj. 1. Of or relating to society. 2. (internet) Relating to social media or social networks. Hack - noun. 1. Use of a resource for something other than its intended purpose. 2. An appropriate application of ingenuity. Social hack - noun. 1. A hack whose underlying resource or intended purpose is social in nature. The parent poster's hack is doubly social. First, the underlying medium is a social network. Second, the purpose is to reveal hidden information during socializing.

muyuu 14y ago

If a classmate or a coworker checked me in FB or something of the sort (not possible really since I keep my online identities fairly secret) I would consider it being attentive and interested, not a stalker. Stalking is not a word to be throwing around willy-nilly.

majormajor 14y ago
The weird/stalkery part of it is checking them out extensively on Facebook first instead of just talking to them. If I was a girl in college and a classmate did that first I think I'd be a bit weirded out that he felt the need to try to come up with interests to talk about in advance instead of just starting up a conversation and finding out stuff about me. But there's a lot of social conditioning in this—like, if I was a guy in college, and a girl did that to me, I'd be more understanding because girls in the US generally aren't encouraged to cold-approach guys in the first place, and so it would be cool for it to happen, period. You can pretend to have shared interests at first regardless of how you find out about the other person's interests, so it's not restricted solely to that sort of creepiness, but it still feels like an awfully roundabout way of talking to someone you want to talk to compared to just talking to them.
- jiggy2011 14y ago
  Well, it's not a big investment in time to check out somebodies Facebook profile. Besides you might not have an opportunity to talk to them face to face right away. Besides if you check out somebody you might like and find that they are into Scientology or extreme right wing politics or whatever you might reconsider asking them out in the first place.
- nancyhua 14y ago
  Doesn't everyone invite everyone to stalk everyone now by putting their information everywhere online? Stalking your crush is the original purpose of Facebook according to that movie. The main thing e-stalking reveals is how interested the guy is, and maybe how smooth he is (smooth guys don't do as much research, or they know how to hide it better). So if he brings up the horses, she knows he's into her and maybe a little awkward, but it doesn't tell her he's definitely a psycho- she'll probably judge his weirdness from his appearance and manner. The creepiness of normal stalking depends on how attractive the target finds the stalker. If you're a hot, rich, 100 year old vampire, you can watch a girl sleep every night for months and she'll think it's awesome (but the vampire didn't admit he was doing it until after they were dating). If he realized "horseback riding" was the key she'd used to encrypt all her passwords, then that'd be a serious red flag. So there's certainly a point where stalking becomes creepy no matter how hot you are, but looking at someone's Facebook profile isn't it.
- muyuu 14y ago
  I'm not denying stalking exists. I'm just saying that her "stalking detector" is utter nonsense. Someone who knows enough about you to find you online (knows your name, has seen you, has probably said hi to you) actually saw you online either by searching or by FB suggestions, and saw the part of the profile that you left public. So far nothing stalky about this. This is just someone who wants to know more about you or wants to strike a conversation with you. Now, if this was a complete stranger who followed you to your locker to find out your name, has it tattooed in his or her butt, slept in his or her car outside of your house, etc, then yeah that's pretty fucked up. But the fact that people look up what you make public about you isn't stalking. Looks to me like someone with a precious princess complex. Checking on someone's FB and not directly admitting is normal if there's not much confidence, as in not enough to actually send a friend request. Trying to avoid awkwardness is completely human.
- waterlesscloud 14y ago
  What is the point of having interests listed on Facebook? It's so that people can discover things you have in common that may not have come up in your conversations. That's why it's there at all. Well, that and better ad targeting, but they sell it to us for the reason above.
phaus 14y ago
So you would want men to look up your interests online so they can intentionally deceive you by pretending they like the same things? Even if you don't consider it creepy, it doesn't sound like the basis of a strong relationship.
- m_for_monkey 14y ago
  The point of posting your interests online would be to attract other people with similar interests. That girl was anticipated a stalker, but what she got was most probably a perfectly normal guy who checked her out beforehand to ensure compatibility.
  - phaus 14y ago
    He was probably a perfectly normal guy, but I doubt that he checked her out to "ensure compatibility." It is perfectly normal for young men to pretend that they are interested in things which they aren't in order to attract a girl's attention. Maybe some of the guys who approached her were genuinely interested in horses, but the majority probably just wanted to give a good impression. There's nothing wrong with trying to give someone a good impression, but when you research someone's hobbies so you can feign interest in them, you are starting your relationship off on the wrong foot. If you can't be yourself around someone, then things probably aren't going to work out anyways.
Falling3 14y ago
Yes, but this is the internet where words take on nuanced meanings. Back when I was visiting colleges (pre-FB), there was a school that had a social network that was very similar to the early Facebook. Looking for possible dates on there was referred to e-stalking. And since Facebook has taken off, I've heard the word used in the same context fairly often.
- deleted 14y ago
  [deleted]
- georgemcbay 14y ago
  As with all pre-mating rituals (both new and tech-based and old and non-tech-based) someone looking you up on a social network is simply part of the game if the person is attractive to you. If they are unattractive to you, it is [e-]stalking.
  - majormajor 14y ago
    And for some people, someone looking you up online so that they can "casually" steer an initial conversation to a pre-researched interest is itself a signal that makes that person less attractive to them. EDIT: I've known otherwise-attractive guys who've done things like that and provoked "creepy" as a reaction; I've known otherwise-attractive girls who've done similar things and provoked "desperate" as a reaction. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but in general the further you get past just talking to mutual friends for "research" the more you're risking coming off bad. The real trick is trying without looking like you're trying. "I dunno, fly casual." The thing that gets lost in all these attempts to come off good initially is that just being able to talk to someone entirely off-the-cuff and carry a conversation is a very valuable skill—one that's worth practicing!
    - georgemcbay 14y ago
      Certainly YMMV greatly on these things. Speaking for myself, if someone simply looks up public information on the net about someone else they are interested in, that's pretty normal and anyone who claims to have never done it is likely full of shit (or very old). The creepiness comes in depending upon how they use that information. If they use it to lie and suggest their interests are aligned in ways they aren't or in other deceptive ways then yeah that's creepy but in a way that is actually independent of the so-called "e-stalking". It would still be creepy if they learned the information they used from a friend or whatever other old-school method. If, on the other hand, the person sees on Facebook that you're a huge fan of some hobby and they too are actually a huge fan of some hobby and they mention that, I don't see that as being creepy at all, but again YMMV.
jessedhillon 14y ago
That's because you probably are not used to having attention placed on you, so all attention is "wanted." If you are a male, you almost never have had to deal with unwanted, persistent, obsessive attention, and so you are unaware of early cues that can indicate the person you're speaking with is a creep. Things like, "this person extensively investigates my background before having met me," "this person obsesses over me," etc.
- rmc 14y ago
  A lot of heterosexual men can experience this by going to gay bars. You'll see what its like to have people start at you and try to chat you up.
  - muyuu 14y ago
    If you go to a gay bar it's expected. If I went to a gay bar for some reason and got chatted up, I'd just make it clear I'm not gay. Problem solved.
    - te_chris 14y ago
      I'm not sure if you're missing the point willfully or accidentally, but you are either way. No one should have to expect to be sleazed onto if they're at a bar.
    - jessedhillon 14y ago
      Instead of shooting out a reaction formed entirely from your intellect, while sitting at a keyboard: go do it first, then come back and tell us if you think the problem was solved by a simple "no thanks." The gay bar scenario is telling -- males can be very aggressive, and simultaneously, willfully oblivious to "back off" signals. Your polite request for privacy and unwelcoming body language might protect you from, say, 90% of approachers. The remainder can be very overt and dominating in their attempts. So yeah, if you're so confident that you've solved the problems of every attractive woman, everywhere: try it out.
      - 14y ago
rimantas 14y ago
As reddit puts it: if you are handsome it's "so sweet", if you are ugly it's stalking.
- thebigshane 14y ago
  As typical of reddit: sounds clever, but ultimately shallow. And obviously written by nerdy boys. The real world is far more complicated. I'm sure most girls would agree that less attractive gents can be considered "so sweet" and handsome gents can definitely be creepy.
  - jiggy2011 14y ago
    Sure, but it's much more difficult. I have a friend who is quite unattractive, women seem to get creeped out by him if he so much as sits near them.

streptomycin 14y ago

She may have inadvertently miscategorized some pick up artists as Facebook stalkers, for better or worse, as it's a fairly well known opener to talk about horses: http://becomingpua.com/blog/pua-opener-horse-girl.html http://becomingpua.com/blog/pua-opener-horse-girl.html

notatoad 14y ago
I can only imagine that "pick up artists" are even lower down on the list of people that girls want to talk to than facebook stalkers are.
- zerostar07 14y ago
  But if they don't work, why are they called (and respected as) PUAs? Is it some kind of jedi mind trick on redditors?
  - Jach 14y ago
    There are plenty of men and women who are dumb and/or easy to please. Though I would agree with your parent comment that given a woman doesn't like "facebook stalkers" and is alert for their presence, she probably also won't like PUAs and is alert for their presence.
  - badclient 14y ago
    Because it works. I've to look no further than myself. It's changed me significantly for the better in this area of life. The term PUA has a negative association in the mainstream because there is a perception it uses jedi mind tricks to bed the girl. This is not helped by myriad of products aimed at newbies that promise overnight success. On average though, most decent PUAs become decent after lots of practice to become less shy and more charming. Many many of them are nerds(my wing is a RoR programmer and also very good with the ladies).
    - derleth 14y ago
      > The term PUA has a negative association in the mainstream because there is a perception it uses jedi mind tricks to bed the girl. Maybe among some people. The rest of us look at crap like 'negging' and see that the whole thing's a tactic to get the emotionally damaged to sleep with the socially stunted.

peterhajas 14y ago

There's that word again. What on earth is a "social hack"?

loup-vaillant 14y ago
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTHeTin http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ExactlyWhatItSays... It's a hack because it's clever, unexpected, and small. It's social because it happens to be about a type of social interaction.
ksmiley 14y ago
Social - adj. 1. Of or relating to society. 2. (internet) Relating to social media or social networks. Hack - noun. 1. Use of a resource for something other than its intended purpose. 2. An appropriate application of ingenuity. Social hack - noun. 1. A hack whose underlying resource or intended purpose is social in nature. The parent poster's hack is doubly social. First, the underlying medium is a social network. Second, the purpose is to reveal hidden information during socializing.