8 ms·

I am AuDHD and this is 80% my experience. I saw this post in the morning pondering if I call in sick or work because of insomnia and being unable to have the en

I am AuDHD and this is 80% my experience. I saw this post in the morning pondering if I call in sick or work because of insomnia and being unable to have the energy. I commute to work by train and even though I have great headphones and listen to music on Spotify some mornings it just crackles in my ears. The audio is fine, but I'm extra sensitive sometimes. At the office people are sometimes very loud. They are excited and having fun but when it goes over my sensory limit (which varies a lot) I become unable to do anything. Ears crackling with headphones means I can't shut their noise out either. And we're supposed to be social at the office but they talk about stuff I don't know what to say about. When I get home I am beyond exhausted. Can't sleep because of anxiety or adrenaline or something. I just zombie out streaming series or movies while reading Hacker News, Reddit or Bluesky. I promise myself I'll go to sleep early but if I do I can't fall asleep until 2-4am. If I stay up until 1am I have better chance of falling asleep faster. Weekends are spent catching up with sleep, wanting to tidy up and do side projects as well as gaming but most times I spend half the day in bed and then stay up gaming or something because it is my time and I want to do the fun stuff. Rince and repeat unless I get lucky and catch 10 to 12 hours of sleep. I'm a 47 year old female principal engineer. I feel like I'm just drifting through the days and months. But I do live my work, the people and challenges. I just wish I could deal with everything better. Thanks for making this game.

instakill 1y ago
are you me? are we definitely autistic together? should I go see a shrink?
- freehorse 1y ago
  Nice to meet you me and me
klohto 1y ago
based on my experience im going to assume you don’t keep the strict 8 hours maximum and also work at home. you need more boundaries, that helped me a bit
- theoreticalmal 1y ago
  Where are they commuting to by train and how did her loud colleagues get into her home?
SwtCyber 1y ago
The part about the headphones crackling even when the sound is technically fine really resonated; it's such a vivid way to describe sensory overwhelm that most people might never even think about
Balgair 1y ago
I know you're not asking for it, but as someone that has a really hard time with anxiety and sleep: quit caffeine and exercise more. The quitting caffeine is tough. It's 3 days of really bad headaches that no pain killer will touch, because those painkillers act on a different biochemistry. But, after I did that, my anxiety went way down and I was able to sleep a lot better. Exercise is a bit harder, as it's a schedule problem. Even just a little bit will help though and increase the sleep 'pressure' or so I have found with myself. Again, not trying to be a jerk here, just trying to help out however I can. My bad if this is not the place. Best of luck in the struggle!
- em-bee 1y ago
  easiest way to exercise is to take a walk. add it to your commute. on the way home, make a detour.
  - archerx 1y ago
    My personal favorite is take the stairs and double step it so you skip every other step. After a few months you'll have rock hard thighs and calves.
  - freehorse 1y ago
    I love walking, but the lack of time is the biggest issue. The only advantage of higher intensity exercise I see is that you do not need to do it as long. I could walk for hours every day otherwise.
    - em-bee 1y ago
      fair point, but that's one nice thing about adding it to your commute: you are already out, so you can add walking time in short increments as you adjust your schedule. your commute is also variable in time. some days it goes faster, sometimes slower. pad it out so it is always the same length. it may not amount to much, but it is a start. same goes for every other errand you do. lack of time is an issue of priority. i lack time to get all the work done that i want and need to. but i also know that i need those breaks. and that they potentially make my other work more effective. higher intensity exercise takes more prep time. and probably a shower afterwards. so half an hour exercising at the gym might take 1 hour or more of real time. walking takes no prep time at all, so i compare that half hour gym with one hour walking.
austin-cheney 1y ago
Why spend the energy masking in the first place? I have a child with AuDHD who has trouble masking consistently. That coupled with impulse control issues and an inability to regulate between the two just looks like chronic deception, lying for the sake of lying. It is exhausting for him and it never works in his favor. We spend a lot of effort coaching him to not mask and to not seek unearned attention, and its a huge challenge.
- intenex 1y ago
  Masking is a learned behavior - learned specifically because the person in question had sufficiently unpleasant experiences being unmasked that they decided they needed to try hard to mask in order to avoid said unpleasant experience. No one masks at birth. If you want your child to stop masking, perhaps it’s helpful to investigate what caused them to learn the behavior in the first place and what could be done to make the experience of being unmasked more pleasant and less aversive for him. Just as you say, masking takes an incredible amount of energy and is exhausting and often backfires. Why would anyone expend such exhausting amounts of energy without some extremely strong motivating factor? The alternative to not masking must be perceived as exquisitely undesirable.
  - mbrumlow 1y ago
    I think people think masking is just for those who have Autism. I think at some level all people mask. Most people behave differently outside of work or in public places when they are alone or with close friends. I think with Autism the process of masking is just harder, and the ability to read social queues takes extreme focus to understand the general emotional state of others around them.
- jabroni_salad 1y ago
  There is a death by a thousand papercuts situation with being disabled where you will have to explain yourself dozens of times a day and you get stuck with having only one conversation subject with any given stranger you meet. For some people, masking is just an easier, freer form of existence. It's like asking for a dressed up coke at a happy hour so your coworkers wont grill you about abstaining from alcohol. Or how people who work in callcenters seem to converge on a way of speaking that makes the interactions a little easier. It's just that for autistic individuals, they are highly analytical about how everyday social interactions work and doing this costs them more cognitive load than you would expect.
fragmede 1y ago
Get heavy duty ear protection from home Depot like they wear on construction sites to protect workers from the noise of heavy machinery, and wear airpods/in-ear wireless headphones under them. ymmv, but they saved me.
- aleph_minus_one 1y ago
  Or get some good noise-cancelling headphones.
  - iamjkt 1y ago
    Good in theory, but for me when I’m at my sensory limit I can’t have anything in my ears, nor the pressure of anything over them. It’s a no-win situation in that respect and it sucks.
    - kridsdale1 1y ago
      I can’t have anything in them either. Too sensitive in the skin. But I can have things OVER them. So AirPods Max or the Sony cancelling big headphones. No earbuds.
pixl97 1y ago
Anti-anxiety medication can help, there are plenty of people online that will tell you it's terrible or does nothing, but think about talking to your doctor about it.
ljm 1y ago
On overstimulation: there is something about office conversations that I find overwhelming now, and it's that, since COVID, people seem to have lost their inside voices and are talking at volumes that seem quite a bit louder than usual. Because of this the 'pub conversation' effect comes into play, where multiple conversations take place in the same room and the different groups compete on volume in order to remain heard. I pretty much shut down at that point, especially if someone is also trying to talk to me at the same time. I can't stand it just the same as I can't stand it in a loud pub. Never use to happen before 2020. Or it did and I wasn't nearly as sensitive to it as I am now. In fact, it happens when people are on their phones in otherwise silent places too. If I can hear you with almost perfect clarity when you should otherwise be out of earshot, then it is too loud.
joshcsimmons 1y ago
Thank you so much for writing this. I have a feeling there's way more of us that we realize. I have lived very similar to what you're describing during a few periods in my career. > it goes over my sensory limit (which varies a lot) This line hit home. Some days I feel randomly very "thin" for no apparent reason. > When I get home I am beyond exhausted. Can't sleep because of anxiety or adrenaline or something. This is the worst and it doesn't make any sense so nobody understands when you explain it to them. With anything else autism related ymmv but CBT-I is the best tool I found for this. It didn't totally unfuck my sleep but it at least made it a tenable balance. I didn't really have a point in writing this I just found your story touching and my heart goes out to you. I'd love to interview you (anonymously or by name) for my blog if you'd be open to that. You can contact me at d+rjoshcs+immons@+gm+ail+.com (remove the + signs, my crappy attempt at bot-defeat)
- cindyllm 1y ago
  [dead]
stronglikedan 1y ago
Everything after (and including) "When I get home I am beyond exhausted" is me. Although, I don't think I'm on a spectrum. Could that just be the insomnia, independently?
- freehorse 1y ago
  Insomnia def makes it worse, but I still have it in periods I sleep pretty well. I did not have it in the past, at least to that extent. Not sure if it is an aging thing, a medical condition, or just having to do too much work and deal with too many people there, together with difficulties to put boundaries.
broguinn 1y ago
I don't know if this is useful for you, but getting my MTHFR and COMT genes sequenced has been incredibly helpful for managing my own mental health. Since getting these results, I've been able to understand my own neurology better. I'm sorry to hear about your issues with sleep - and can relate to them. In particular, my slow COMT means that my baseline cortisol is higher than most. Taking phosphatidyl serine before bed helps me a lot, and lets me sleep through the night. Best of luck.
- deleted 1y ago
  [deleted]
ddmf 1y ago
I'm Audhd, 50, and my experience mirrors yours, although I can fall asleep earlier, but it's a die throw whether I wake around 3am or sleep fully until 7am. The worst aspect is that I seem to procrastinate fun things now - like gaming, or making music. Hope you can find something to help you recharge :)

instakill 1y ago

are you me? are we definitely autistic together? should I go see a shrink?

freehorse 1y ago
Nice to meet you me and me

klohto 1y ago

based on my experience im going to assume you don’t keep the strict 8 hours maximum and also work at home. you need more boundaries, that helped me a bit

theoreticalmal 1y ago
Where are they commuting to by train and how did her loud colleagues get into her home?

SwtCyber 1y ago

The part about the headphones crackling even when the sound is technically fine really resonated; it's such a vivid way to describe sensory overwhelm that most people might never even think about

Balgair 1y ago

I know you're not asking for it, but as someone that has a really hard time with anxiety and sleep: quit caffeine and exercise more. The quitting caffeine is tough. It's 3 days of really bad headaches that no pain killer will touch, because those painkillers act on a different biochemistry. But, after I did that, my anxiety went way down and I was able to sleep a lot better. Exercise is a bit harder, as it's a schedule problem. Even just a little bit will help though and increase the sleep 'pressure' or so I have found with myself. Again, not trying to be a jerk here, just trying to help out however I can. My bad if this is not the place. Best of luck in the struggle!

em-bee 1y ago
easiest way to exercise is to take a walk. add it to your commute. on the way home, make a detour.
- archerx 1y ago
  My personal favorite is take the stairs and double step it so you skip every other step. After a few months you'll have rock hard thighs and calves.
- freehorse 1y ago
  I love walking, but the lack of time is the biggest issue. The only advantage of higher intensity exercise I see is that you do not need to do it as long. I could walk for hours every day otherwise.
  - em-bee 1y ago
    fair point, but that's one nice thing about adding it to your commute: you are already out, so you can add walking time in short increments as you adjust your schedule. your commute is also variable in time. some days it goes faster, sometimes slower. pad it out so it is always the same length. it may not amount to much, but it is a start. same goes for every other errand you do. lack of time is an issue of priority. i lack time to get all the work done that i want and need to. but i also know that i need those breaks. and that they potentially make my other work more effective. higher intensity exercise takes more prep time. and probably a shower afterwards. so half an hour exercising at the gym might take 1 hour or more of real time. walking takes no prep time at all, so i compare that half hour gym with one hour walking.

austin-cheney 1y ago

Why spend the energy masking in the first place? I have a child with AuDHD who has trouble masking consistently. That coupled with impulse control issues and an inability to regulate between the two just looks like chronic deception, lying for the sake of lying. It is exhausting for him and it never works in his favor. We spend a lot of effort coaching him to not mask and to not seek unearned attention, and its a huge challenge.

intenex 1y ago
Masking is a learned behavior - learned specifically because the person in question had sufficiently unpleasant experiences being unmasked that they decided they needed to try hard to mask in order to avoid said unpleasant experience. No one masks at birth. If you want your child to stop masking, perhaps it’s helpful to investigate what caused them to learn the behavior in the first place and what could be done to make the experience of being unmasked more pleasant and less aversive for him. Just as you say, masking takes an incredible amount of energy and is exhausting and often backfires. Why would anyone expend such exhausting amounts of energy without some extremely strong motivating factor? The alternative to not masking must be perceived as exquisitely undesirable.
- mbrumlow 1y ago
  I think people think masking is just for those who have Autism. I think at some level all people mask. Most people behave differently outside of work or in public places when they are alone or with close friends. I think with Autism the process of masking is just harder, and the ability to read social queues takes extreme focus to understand the general emotional state of others around them.
jabroni_salad 1y ago
There is a death by a thousand papercuts situation with being disabled where you will have to explain yourself dozens of times a day and you get stuck with having only one conversation subject with any given stranger you meet. For some people, masking is just an easier, freer form of existence. It's like asking for a dressed up coke at a happy hour so your coworkers wont grill you about abstaining from alcohol. Or how people who work in callcenters seem to converge on a way of speaking that makes the interactions a little easier. It's just that for autistic individuals, they are highly analytical about how everyday social interactions work and doing this costs them more cognitive load than you would expect.

fragmede 1y ago

Get heavy duty ear protection from home Depot like they wear on construction sites to protect workers from the noise of heavy machinery, and wear airpods/in-ear wireless headphones under them. ymmv, but they saved me.

aleph_minus_one 1y ago
Or get some good noise-cancelling headphones.
- iamjkt 1y ago
  Good in theory, but for me when I’m at my sensory limit I can’t have anything in my ears, nor the pressure of anything over them. It’s a no-win situation in that respect and it sucks.
  - kridsdale1 1y ago
    I can’t have anything in them either. Too sensitive in the skin. But I can have things OVER them. So AirPods Max or the Sony cancelling big headphones. No earbuds.

pixl97 1y ago

Anti-anxiety medication can help, there are plenty of people online that will tell you it's terrible or does nothing, but think about talking to your doctor about it.

ljm 1y ago

On overstimulation: there is something about office conversations that I find overwhelming now, and it's that, since COVID, people seem to have lost their inside voices and are talking at volumes that seem quite a bit louder than usual. Because of this the 'pub conversation' effect comes into play, where multiple conversations take place in the same room and the different groups compete on volume in order to remain heard. I pretty much shut down at that point, especially if someone is also trying to talk to me at the same time. I can't stand it just the same as I can't stand it in a loud pub. Never use to happen before 2020. Or it did and I wasn't nearly as sensitive to it as I am now. In fact, it happens when people are on their phones in otherwise silent places too. If I can hear you with almost perfect clarity when you should otherwise be out of earshot, then it is too loud.

joshcsimmons 1y ago

Thank you so much for writing this. I have a feeling there's way more of us that we realize. I have lived very similar to what you're describing during a few periods in my career. > it goes over my sensory limit (which varies a lot) This line hit home. Some days I feel randomly very "thin" for no apparent reason. > When I get home I am beyond exhausted. Can't sleep because of anxiety or adrenaline or something. This is the worst and it doesn't make any sense so nobody understands when you explain it to them. With anything else autism related ymmv but CBT-I is the best tool I found for this. It didn't totally unfuck my sleep but it at least made it a tenable balance. I didn't really have a point in writing this I just found your story touching and my heart goes out to you. I'd love to interview you (anonymously or by name) for my blog if you'd be open to that. You can contact me at d+rjoshcs+immons@+gm+ail+.com (remove the + signs, my crappy attempt at bot-defeat)

cindyllm 1y ago
[dead]

stronglikedan 1y ago

Everything after (and including) "When I get home I am beyond exhausted" is me. Although, I don't think I'm on a spectrum. Could that just be the insomnia, independently?

freehorse 1y ago
Insomnia def makes it worse, but I still have it in periods I sleep pretty well. I did not have it in the past, at least to that extent. Not sure if it is an aging thing, a medical condition, or just having to do too much work and deal with too many people there, together with difficulties to put boundaries.

broguinn 1y ago

I don't know if this is useful for you, but getting my MTHFR and COMT genes sequenced has been incredibly helpful for managing my own mental health. Since getting these results, I've been able to understand my own neurology better. I'm sorry to hear about your issues with sleep - and can relate to them. In particular, my slow COMT means that my baseline cortisol is higher than most. Taking phosphatidyl serine before bed helps me a lot, and lets me sleep through the night. Best of luck.

deleted 1y ago
[deleted]

ddmf 1y ago

I'm Audhd, 50, and my experience mirrors yours, although I can fall asleep earlier, but it's a die throw whether I wake around 3am or sleep fully until 7am. The worst aspect is that I seem to procrastinate fun things now - like gaming, or making music. Hope you can find something to help you recharge :)