4 ms·

It is not ok. Be an adult and deal with the emotional discomfort to pay your last respects.

sokoloff 1y ago
It’s absolutely okay to prioritize the needs and comfort of the living. The guest of honor won’t notice, I promise. If the other (living) attendees have a problem with it, it’s at least 51% a them problem, IMO.
- GiorgioG 1y ago
  This take is sad. We have become a society of emotionally weak people. My wife and I make our kids do uncomfortable things because that’s what separates children from adults. An example, and not even the hardest one: Yesterday we were vacationing at the beach and we got a call from the dog boarding facility keeping our 8 year old dog, she was having seizures and had to be taken to an animal hospital. We drove 3 hours to see her. There was lots of crying, in front of everyone - who gives a shit. We had to have her euthanized. The 4 of us stayed with her for the entire process. We could have just told them to put her down over the phone and continued our vacation, or we could have left the room as they ended her life. She wasn’t conscious and we have no way of knowing if she was aware of our presence, but if something/someone makes an impact on your life, learn to be a little unselfish and be present. It hurts, but just because something hurts doesn’t mean we should shy away from doing it. Learning to steel yourself is an important life skill. Obviously a dog is not a human, but the parallels are there - as humans we have honored the end of a impactful life throughout our history.
  - ryandrake 1y ago
    It's also selfish, narcissistic and kind of anti-social. Somehow, we've uplifted "taking care of yourself" over every other societal norm, obligation, and courtesy. Humans are not meant to be "on the comfortable/happy path" 100% of the time. Sometimes, we are expected to act altruistically. Sometimes we should make small sacrifices for others' benefits. Sometimes we should be go out of our comfort zone to comfort someone else. This doesn't mean torture yourself and ruin your mental health, but it does mean stepping out of your usual routine occasionally, for other people's sake.
- apexalpha 1y ago
  A funeral is not done for the deceased. A funeral is for the people who are still there. These people, the real guests of honour, will remember your absence for the rest of their lives.
- snapcaster 1y ago
  This is such an anti social take. How dense to you have to be to not realize attendance is for the benefit of the living. The dead person is not the guest of honor it's the family of the deceased if there is any "guest of honor" at all Not attending rightfully costs you a lot, even if you're lacking the social skills to perceive it
  - zwnow 1y ago
    As far as I am concerned I dont exist for the families of my friends. I exist for my friends. Never cared about their families and they never cared about mine, its just how we move.
    - GiorgioG 1y ago
      I’m in my mid-40s. When I randomly reconnect with friends from my 20s, they still ask about my parents and my parents still occasionally ask about them.
      - zwnow 1y ago
        Yea so everyone should do that? Or are other platonic relationships allowed?
        GiorgioG 1y ago
        [flagged]
        zwnow 1y ago
        You're clearly not capable of seeing that humans live differently which is completely fine. Some tribes eat people, some tribes bury them. Just because most people value ordinary people things doesn't mean you should be forced into their culture
        GiorgioG 1y ago
brulard 1y ago
This is the worst advice someone could give. It absolutely is ok to decide on your own if it's good for you and the others if you attend or not. I wouldn't want anyone to come to my funeral just because others expect him to.
- GiorgioG 1y ago
  Someone should attend your funeral because they made some kind of connection with you in this short life. Being uncomfortable for 30 minutes is the least one can do. I am so tired of people being so emotionally immature that they can’t handle a little discomfort.
  - apexalpha 1y ago
    Seconded, the person you initially respond to is the target audience of this website, and would probably do well to take it in. A funeral is not 'some event' that you can just skip for your own benefit. That's not what it's about.
    - brulard 1y ago
      Well, it turned from the original "breaking down", through "slight discomfort" to "skipping for a benefit". Just let me tell you for someone to break down can mean a panic attack, where they can not catch breath, or they just crawl into a corner acting like a kid, it can mean throwing up violently or it can mean falling into a long term depression. Everyone can have their own reasons and way of processing pain.
  - zwnow 1y ago
    Whats so special about a funeral? It's just tons of sad people. I meet the relevant people in unofficial circumstances. My friends understand this, so I dont see the issue.
    - GiorgioG 1y ago
      I have no idea what point you’re trying to make here. “It's just tons of sad people.” - this makes you sound like you have the emotional acuity of a 4 year old. You can fix that, but you can’t do it sitting in front of your computer.
aklemm 1y ago
Not a popular approach these days, but you’re absolutely right. This is an example where setting healthy boundaries has veered into hiding away from life and avoiding hard, messy human things.
- zwnow 1y ago
  I had my fair share of hard messy human things and I distance from that. Self preservation is more important than some official gathering.
  - GiorgioG 1y ago
    It’s not self preservation, it’s avoidance and selfishness.
    - zwnow 1y ago
      Avoidance can be self preservation. My friends are fine with me not attending, why aren't you? Because I dont wanna join some human made sadness gatherings with some religious idiot talking about how my atheist friend is with God now?
      - aklemm 1y ago
        This conversation started as general advice, and as such, avoidance of human connection around death is poor advice. You sound like you have good reason for your avoidance, but you shouldn't extrapolate that it's a good general strategy.
        zwnow 1y ago
        It is a good general strategy. Place yourself before others. Ain't nobody is an altruist.
      - butlike 1y ago
        Humans are societal creatures. That avoidance as self-preservation can be considered a weak trait. Society only really works if we know we have each other's backs when the chips are down, so with you abandoning situations when the chips are down demonstrates you won't be there when I need you to be, so it's probably better to cut you out now, right? Or, why would I put food on the table for the slowest gazelle?
aaronbaugher 1y ago
Agreed. I used to hate going to funerals and skipped some, telling myself it was because I didn't know what to say, might embarrass myself, etc. After being in the receiving line of a couple, I realized someone else's funeral isn't about me. The truth is no one notices exactly what you say because they're dealing with their own grief, and "I'm sorry for your loss" is perfectly acceptable. So now I just go, pay my respects, and feel better for doing it.

It’s absolutely okay to prioritize the needs and comfort of the living. The guest of honor won’t notice, I promise. If the other (living) attendees have a problem with it, it’s at least 51% a them problem, IMO.

GiorgioG 1y ago
This take is sad. We have become a society of emotionally weak people. My wife and I make our kids do uncomfortable things because that’s what separates children from adults. An example, and not even the hardest one: Yesterday we were vacationing at the beach and we got a call from the dog boarding facility keeping our 8 year old dog, she was having seizures and had to be taken to an animal hospital. We drove 3 hours to see her. There was lots of crying, in front of everyone - who gives a shit. We had to have her euthanized. The 4 of us stayed with her for the entire process. We could have just told them to put her down over the phone and continued our vacation, or we could have left the room as they ended her life. She wasn’t conscious and we have no way of knowing if she was aware of our presence, but if something/someone makes an impact on your life, learn to be a little unselfish and be present. It hurts, but just because something hurts doesn’t mean we should shy away from doing it. Learning to steel yourself is an important life skill. Obviously a dog is not a human, but the parallels are there - as humans we have honored the end of a impactful life throughout our history.
- ryandrake 1y ago
  It's also selfish, narcissistic and kind of anti-social. Somehow, we've uplifted "taking care of yourself" over every other societal norm, obligation, and courtesy. Humans are not meant to be "on the comfortable/happy path" 100% of the time. Sometimes, we are expected to act altruistically. Sometimes we should make small sacrifices for others' benefits. Sometimes we should be go out of our comfort zone to comfort someone else. This doesn't mean torture yourself and ruin your mental health, but it does mean stepping out of your usual routine occasionally, for other people's sake.
apexalpha 1y ago
A funeral is not done for the deceased. A funeral is for the people who are still there. These people, the real guests of honour, will remember your absence for the rest of their lives.
snapcaster 1y ago
This is such an anti social take. How dense to you have to be to not realize attendance is for the benefit of the living. The dead person is not the guest of honor it's the family of the deceased if there is any "guest of honor" at all Not attending rightfully costs you a lot, even if you're lacking the social skills to perceive it
- zwnow 1y ago
  As far as I am concerned I dont exist for the families of my friends. I exist for my friends. Never cared about their families and they never cared about mine, its just how we move.
  - GiorgioG 1y ago
    I’m in my mid-40s. When I randomly reconnect with friends from my 20s, they still ask about my parents and my parents still occasionally ask about them.
    - zwnow 1y ago
      Yea so everyone should do that? Or are other platonic relationships allowed?
      - GiorgioG 1y ago
        [flagged]
        zwnow 1y ago
        You're clearly not capable of seeing that humans live differently which is completely fine. Some tribes eat people, some tribes bury them. Just because most people value ordinary people things doesn't mean you should be forced into their culture
        GiorgioG 1y ago

brulard 1y ago

This is the worst advice someone could give. It absolutely is ok to decide on your own if it's good for you and the others if you attend or not. I wouldn't want anyone to come to my funeral just because others expect him to.

GiorgioG 1y ago
Someone should attend your funeral because they made some kind of connection with you in this short life. Being uncomfortable for 30 minutes is the least one can do. I am so tired of people being so emotionally immature that they can’t handle a little discomfort.
- apexalpha 1y ago
  Seconded, the person you initially respond to is the target audience of this website, and would probably do well to take it in. A funeral is not 'some event' that you can just skip for your own benefit. That's not what it's about.
  - brulard 1y ago
    Well, it turned from the original "breaking down", through "slight discomfort" to "skipping for a benefit". Just let me tell you for someone to break down can mean a panic attack, where they can not catch breath, or they just crawl into a corner acting like a kid, it can mean throwing up violently or it can mean falling into a long term depression. Everyone can have their own reasons and way of processing pain.
- zwnow 1y ago
  Whats so special about a funeral? It's just tons of sad people. I meet the relevant people in unofficial circumstances. My friends understand this, so I dont see the issue.
  - GiorgioG 1y ago
    I have no idea what point you’re trying to make here. “It's just tons of sad people.” - this makes you sound like you have the emotional acuity of a 4 year old. You can fix that, but you can’t do it sitting in front of your computer.

aklemm 1y ago

Not a popular approach these days, but you’re absolutely right. This is an example where setting healthy boundaries has veered into hiding away from life and avoiding hard, messy human things.

zwnow 1y ago
I had my fair share of hard messy human things and I distance from that. Self preservation is more important than some official gathering.
- GiorgioG 1y ago
  It’s not self preservation, it’s avoidance and selfishness.
  - zwnow 1y ago
    Avoidance can be self preservation. My friends are fine with me not attending, why aren't you? Because I dont wanna join some human made sadness gatherings with some religious idiot talking about how my atheist friend is with God now?
    - aklemm 1y ago
      This conversation started as general advice, and as such, avoidance of human connection around death is poor advice. You sound like you have good reason for your avoidance, but you shouldn't extrapolate that it's a good general strategy.
      - zwnow 1y ago
        It is a good general strategy. Place yourself before others. Ain't nobody is an altruist.
    - butlike 1y ago
      Humans are societal creatures. That avoidance as self-preservation can be considered a weak trait. Society only really works if we know we have each other's backs when the chips are down, so with you abandoning situations when the chips are down demonstrates you won't be there when I need you to be, so it's probably better to cut you out now, right? Or, why would I put food on the table for the slowest gazelle?

aaronbaugher 1y ago

Agreed. I used to hate going to funerals and skipped some, telling myself it was because I didn't know what to say, might embarrass myself, etc. After being in the receiving line of a couple, I realized someone else's funeral isn't about me. The truth is no one notices exactly what you say because they're dealing with their own grief, and "I'm sorry for your loss" is perfectly acceptable. So now I just go, pay my respects, and feel better for doing it.