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On the topic of "support your friends", if there's a funeral for someone you weren't super close with but your friend knew well and you're not sure whether to g
by strken 1y ago
On the topic of "support your friends", if there's a funeral for someone you weren't super close with but your friend knew well and you're not sure whether to go, I would recommend just going, sitting up the back, offering your condolences if the opportunity comes up, and leaving.
I've failed to do this twice. Nobody else said or did anything, but I regretted it.
- zwnow 1y agoIt's also ok not to attend funerals at all, even if you were close. I broke down every funeral I went to and would rather avoid that in the future.
- d332 1y ago[flagged]
- deleted 1y ago[deleted]
- balamatom 1y ago[flagged]
- guerrilla 1y agoIs this AI spam or psychosis? I don't understand.
- foxglacier 1y ago3rd option is you just don't understand. This is language people use to describe narcissists. Flying monkeys are people who help them manipulate others and vampires are "emotional vampires". Poster was saying a narcissist had died, leaving their support people leaderless.
- schoen 1y agoA reference to the Wizard of Oz movie? I hadn't heard this jargon before.
- guerrilla 1y agoIt's an extremely uncalibrated reply given the context regardless, even more so expecting the general audience here to understand this weirdly specific language. Something is definitely off.
- balamatom 1y agoCalibrate my barometer, good sir. Needed to hang around the 80s a little longer.
- foxglacier 1y agoCould you explain how it relates to what you were replying to about breaking down funerals?
- balamatom 1y agoSure. Way I see it, unless just epically pissed (many such cases), one would probably have to be epically pissed with the dead person and the people who came to the funeral. What I described is one schema for that.
- foxglacier 1y agoWhat does breaking down mean to you? I thought they meant they broke down crying because they were sad. Not angry. Did you read it as that they destroyed something at the funeral?
- cindyllm 1y ago[dead]
- small_scombrus 1y ago
- moffkalast 1y agoZwnow threw the undertaker off hell in a cell and he plummeted sixteen feet through an announcer's table.
- chaosite 1y agoI read that as the author, going to the funeral, broke down. That is they felt devastated emotionally, internally and possibly externally as in "broke down crying". The funeral itself probably continued without any issues. I guess that's another social skills lesson, the world carries on regardless of your emotions.
- eastbound 1y ago“Break down” means to cry.
- mkesper 1y agoThere's nothing to be ashamed of when crying while being faced with the limitedness of life.
- zwnow 1y agoStill doesn't wanna make me do it in public.
- snapcaster 1y agogrow up and learn to steel yourself
- zwnow 1y ago"grow up" is such a boomer thing to say
- fknorangesite 1y agoNo: grow up and realize that expressing an emotion is neither childish nor shameful.
- butlike 1y agoIt's such a young person thing to believe the adrenaline of pushing against the envelope is a better feeling than the endorphins of expressing appropriate emotion. I'm sure they'll learn this when they come of age. Life can be painful, and comfort, solace, and community are really nice when you're on the downswing instead of the upswing, which happens to all of us if you're strong enough to live that long.
- throwaway22032 1y agoI think that's the point, showing vulnerability in front of others helps them to trust you.
- Mordisquitos 1y ago> I broke down every funeral I went to and would rather avoid that in the future. I understand it can be emotionally challenging, but arguably that expression of grief is what provides meaning to attending a funeral. Furthermore, if you don't attend a close friend's funeral, don't expect him or her to attend yours.
- miroljub 1y ago> if you don't attend a close friend's funeral, don't expect him or her to attend yours. Well, regardless if you attend your friend's funeral or not, you can be sure he or she will not attend yours.
- GiorgioG 1y agoIt is not ok. Be an adult and deal with the emotional discomfort to pay your last respects.
- sokoloff 1y agoIt’s absolutely okay to prioritize the needs and comfort of the living. The guest of honor won’t notice, I promise. If the other (living) attendees have a problem with it, it’s at least 51% a them problem, IMO.
- GiorgioG 1y agoThis take is sad. We have become a society of emotionally weak people. My wife and I make our kids do uncomfortable things because that’s what separates children from adults. An example, and not even the hardest one: Yesterday we were vacationing at the beach and we got a call from the dog boarding facility keeping our 8 year old dog, she was having seizures and had to be taken to an animal hospital. We drove 3 hours to see her. There was lots of crying, in front of everyone - who gives a shit. We had to have her euthanized. The 4 of us stayed with her for the entire process. We could have just told them to put her down over the phone and continued our vacation, or we could have left the room as they ended her life. She wasn’t conscious and we have no way of knowing if she was aware of our presence, but if something/someone makes an impact on your life, learn to be a little unselfish and be present. It hurts, but just because something hurts doesn’t mean we should shy away from doing it. Learning to steel yourself is an important life skill. Obviously a dog is not a human, but the parallels are there - as humans we have honored the end of a impactful life throughout our history.
- ryandrake 1y agoIt's also selfish, narcissistic and kind of anti-social. Somehow, we've uplifted "taking care of yourself" over every other societal norm, obligation, and courtesy. Humans are not meant to be "on the comfortable/happy path" 100% of the time. Sometimes, we are expected to act altruistically. Sometimes we should make small sacrifices for others' benefits. Sometimes we should be go out of our comfort zone to comfort someone else. This doesn't mean torture yourself and ruin your mental health, but it does mean stepping out of your usual routine occasionally, for other people's sake.
- apexalpha 1y agoI fundamentally disagree with this, and especially people who need the website should not follow your advice. Sometimes in life you just have to do stuff, even if you hate it. These things also have a tendency to become easier the more you do it, so advising people to just not do it seems horrible advice. Not showing up to a funeral of someone you were close to just because of your own discomfort is plain weird.
- zwnow 1y agoNot really. I've been to many funerals and I dont want to go to many more. You gotta learn that self preservation is more important sometimes.
- apexalpha 1y agoCorrect. Sometimes. Not for funerals of people you knew well.
- JohnBooty 1y agoThe relevant thing is care and aid for the grieving loved ones of the deceased. Your presence at the funeral, while symbolic (some might even say empty symbolism) is a way of showing the mourners that the deceased was cared for by many. It is comforting to some extent. But of course, if funerals are too difficult, there are other ways to accomplish the same thing.
- zwnow 1y agoI never had to do with the grieving though? What do I care about the grieving? I care about the deceased person. I am not going to fake interest in their family if it never occurred when my friend was alive.
- JohnBooty 1y agoThis has all been explained to you, thoroughly and repeatedly. In the end... whatever. There are a lot of things that go into being a decent human being. At the very least, I'm sure we'd agree on the big picture: the sum of how we care for our friends when they're alive is more important than what we do on the day of their funeral. So if you're being a good friend in other ways... hey, good on you.
- easywood 1y agoLet me tell you, it is absolutely not ok. The family does notice who is and isn't at the funeral and they WILL assume you are just not emotionally involved. I have seen this scenario play out. Don't be surprised if people stop showing up at something you organize. Breaking down at a funeral is absolutely ok and will strengthen the bond with those left behind.
- zwnow 1y agoI made the complete opposite experience thankfully. I am very open about this and my friends understand. I dont care about their families, I care about the person in the casket.
- iterance 1y agoWhile it's OK if this truly is what you need, be mindful that you're not making a decision you'll come to regret. There is no shame in crying at a funeral. Helping each other through death is one of life's innate obligations. One of the few things we have no choice but to do as humans is die.
- throwawayoldie 1y agoGot to disagree. If there's one situation where a public breakdown is generally understood to be appropriate, it's a funeral. And if you're saying you don't want to because it's uncomfortable for you to be seen that way, well, the funeral isn't about you.
- zwnow 1y agoIf i am forced to attend its about me.
- throwawayoldie 1y agoHow old are you, 14?
- zwnow 1y ago30 with lots of dead people in my life. Just dont tell other people what to do.
- RataNova 1y agoIn those moments it's rarely about you having the "right" words
- atoav 1y agoWell the thing is, that sometimes being there and giving them a nod is already saying enough. No need for words. Showing them you care is appropriate if you really do.
- gwd 1y ago"Words aren't remembered, but presence is."
- latexr 1y agoDepending on culture and the people, just going might be uncomfortable for the people you want to support. Maybe your friend was close with the deceased and thus their family would like them to be there, but not a stranger. Additionally, your friend or the family of the deceased may feel obligated to interact with you and make you feel welcome because you went. Maybe they’d prefer if you hadn’t gone. I’d instead recommend asking your friend (though again, this advice may be culturally dependent). Be sure they know it’s about you supporting them. I remember when a family member died and only one classmate asked me if I wanted them to come to the funeral. I refused but remember the gesture to this day. It’s about the only thing I remember about the person. I also remember a couple of other friends to whom I was closer not asking me, and that stuck with me because they both disliked and badmouthed (I don’t really know why, I avoided dumb drama) the original person. That made me rethink a lot of things. Anyway, I guess the point is to think of what your friend would like and make sure they understand you’re there for them.