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In the US, I think we should consider that many people go through four socially traumatic transitions: 1. Moving away to college. 2. Moving for work. 3. Gett
by munificent 1y ago
In the US, I think we should consider that many people go through four socially traumatic transitions:
1. Moving away to college.
2. Moving for work.
3. Getting married.
4. Having kids.
Each of those tends to sever many friendships in ways that are more painful than a lot of us realize or acknowledge. We might even consider what it says about us as a people that we seem to value all of the points on that list more than we value being a member of a community with deep social ties.
When I graduated high school in Louisiana, I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of my small suburb. Then I dropped out of college and couldn't wait to get out of Louisiana entirely. I looked down on everyone who stayed in my home town and got a job at Shell or Entergy.
I still believe I did the right thing by leaving—the community there goes against many of my most deeply held values. But as I've gotten older, I realize more what the people valued and kept by staying there: a consistent set of close ties and community maintained throughout their entire lives.
- selimthegrim 1y agoAre you from New Orleans or Lafayette? Edit: holy shit I had no idea you’re from Louisiana.
- munificent 1y agoLived 10 years in St. Charles Parish, then another 4 in Baton Route.
- selimthegrim 1y agoIf you ever come to New Orleans, I’m sure the Tuesday night tech meetups would love to have you
- reactordev 1y ago5) Divorce 6) Rebuilding post divorce. 7) Lack of opportunities due to age.
- munificent 1y agoI haven't reached those ones yet. :) The upcoming one I really worry about is retirement. The statistics are grim if you look at retired men in terms of number of close friends, mental health, and suicide. The whole "live in a high cost of living area with good jobs and then move somewhere cheaper when you retire" pipeline makes a lot of sense economically. But I worry that is disastrous when it comes to community and connection right at the time when people need it most.
- reactordev 1y agoOh it is however, most of your neighbors will be in that very same boat so to speak so really it’s up to you to get outside. Also retirement plans go out the window if you hit milestone 5. By the end of milestone 6 (if you make it) will be just a cabin in the woods with a dog, because that’s all you can afford.
- brookst 1y ago5.5) Layoffs 6.5) Layoffs
- Yizahi 1y ago8) War
- reactordev 1y agoBut that can happen in any chapter. As horrible as it is - it’s probably the appendix or preamble. “Everything you’re about to read is due to X” warning label or something. Both as a solider in it, and as a civilian facing it. It’s awful. Maybe an asterisk on the end like they did for Roger Maris in ‘61 for beating Babe Ruth’s homer record in a single season.
- edm0nd 1y agoHello fellow Louisiana folk. Those plant workers make bank though. Esp the ones in Laffy, Lake Chuck, BR, or NOLA.
- tharkun__ 1y agoI still believe I did the right thing by leaving—the community there goes against many of my most deeply held values. But as I've gotten older That is probably also relatively prevalent in HN circles I would presume. Especially if one was "the odd one out. "Community" is not everything. A lot of "small town" stuff and "values" aren't really only positive. Everyone knows everyone and everything about everyone? Great, right? No it's not. I prefer my relative anonymity in the overall scheme. Nothing to look down upon. But some people just don't prefer that sort of "the community dictates your life" environment, while others may thrive in it. Like, think, Sheldon Cooper if he had stayed in Texas. That weirdo atheist in a small Texas town? Not fun.
- munificent 1y ago> That weirdo atheist in a small Texas town? Yes, that was also me before I became a weirdo in Lousiana. I lived in a bunch of places in the South. The religiosity I could deal with, but the racism, homophobia, and authoritarianism less so.
- deleted 1y ago[deleted]
- cafard 1y agoTraumatic or dramatic?
- munificent 1y agoTraumatic, in terms of severing them to an often large degree. I'm describing it as mostly inflicting trauma on a person's social network itself and perhaps less so it being emotional traumatic to the person. But I suspect that in many cases, the latter does follow from the former.