5 ms·

My life hack for this kind of situation is to say “hello” back. Works every time.

quchen 1y ago
How are you? I hope this message finds you well. I have a question. ------- It’s simply not a game I want to play. My mind recommends answering »state your business«, but my polite-mind tells me not to.
4pkjai 1y ago
When people give me a hello back I raise them a “how are you?”
- IshKebab 1y ago
  Fine thanks, how are you?
  - askew 1y ago
    askew is typing…
    - nubinetwork 1y ago
      Several people are typing...
- macintux 1y ago
  It took me a depressingly long time to figure out that when people (offline) ask me how I am, they don’t expect, or want, an answer.
  - int_19h 1y ago
    The whole "How are you?" ritual is quite possibly the most nonsensical thing about the Anglo cultures. Like, I get that the point is to feign polite interest in the other person. But then by asking this question with the expectation of the same formulaic reply "I'm fine!" (and confusion if the response is something else) - even if the other speaker is emphatically not fine - it literally does the opposite, making it clear that the way they actually feel doesn't matter.
    - Mawr 1y ago
      I had a coworker who took this to the extreme. When they'd come up to anyone they'd say, without any pauses in-between: "Hi. How are you? So I wanted to tell you x, y, z [...]", not leaving any time to respond, even with the formulatic "I'm fine.". Really driving home that they're just reciting, without caring one bit how you feel. Pretty overwhelming to me personally, but I could tell other coworkers were taken aback by it too.
mbrd 1y ago
If I'm feeling grumpy I don't respond, but if I have some patience left in the tank I'll use, "Hi, what's up?" which usually short-circuits the salutations.
- SamPatt 1y ago
  Same. It's how I answer the phone too, depending on how well I know the caller. I don't think it's perceived as rude, with a friendly tone of voice.
defraudbah 1y ago
it does not, some people don't understand it. I tried every trick and one guy was still sending his hello's because it was the way he communicated. I told him twice, literally, that he cannot just say hello and wait for me to reply, and he apologized and still didn't get it. the only working option is to ignore such people, you cannot teach people with reasoning, it never works
jvanderbot 1y ago
It opens a synchronous channel, setting social expectations for somewhat realtime responses. Most of the time I treat chat like "small email", so this is abhorrent.
- krisoft 1y ago
  > It opens a synchronous channel, setting social expectations for somewhat realtime responses. But do you see how that is your choice? You can just type "hello", or a longer form of the same, and then go back to work. You can then check back in about an hour to see if they managed to describe what they are looking for. You can always change yourself, while it is so much harder to change others that it is almost futile. The true source of your distress is not them saying hello, but your understanding of that social expectation of realtime responses.
  - danaris 1y ago
    > You can always change yourself, while it is so much harder to change others that it is almost futile. This is a defeatist attitude. Sure, there are some people who will refuse to change no matter what. But many—probably even most—people, if you explain that this is your preferred method of communication when they have a question for you to answer, will at least try to operate that way.
    - krisoft 1y ago
      > This is a defeatist attitude. It is not a defeatist attitude. It is a winning attitude. You told people how you operate and you simply stick to it. The thing you change about yourself is that you stop caring about the supposed “social expectation” that by writing “hello” they “opened a a synchronous channel“ with “expectations for somewhat realtime responses”. Now imagine that someone heard that you use messaging asyncronously and yet they still send you a simple “hello” with nothing else. You have two choices here. You can play their game, write a “hello” back and patiently wait as they type out what they need from you. OR you can type to them “hello. long time no see, how can I help you today?” And then immediately forget about them and return back to your work. In due time when you check again your messages (maybe in an hour, maybe in half an hour) you will see if they messaged you. Maybe they will say what they want by then, maybe not. My point is that while you can tell politely to people the benefits of getting to the point you can’t force them to do so. On the other hand you have full control over your reaction to them not following your prefered communication style. You can get angry, and waste your time waiting for them. Or you can stay cool, keep on working, and answer them on your schedule and on your terms politely and to the best of your abilities. If you think what i say is defeatist attitude then probably you are misunderstanding my point. It is not about changing how you communicate, but changing about how much you care about the “expectation of realtime responses”.
easton 1y ago
Wave emoji reaction, then I go back to what I was doing until the rest of the question lands. It's quicker! although these days I sometimes respond "how was your weekend" to continue the pleasantries :D
pards 1y ago
I have several responses depending on how ornery I'm feeling 1. Respond with, "Hello. How can I help?", or 2. Wait until 5:30pm then respond, "Hello" and close my laptop for the day
- DrammBA 1y ago
  Lately I've been going with 3. No response, people that have something important eventually follow up their lonely hello with their actual question/issue, the rest just forget about it I guess so the conversation never starts.
  - benberryjam 1y ago
    That’s what I do. There’s been plenty of times where the conversation never actually begins
    - yusina 1y ago
      And thats why you guys are working with computers and not people, cause that's pretty rude. What they are doing is only rude if they are aware that it annoys people. You response is rude nonetheless since it's a version of "that'll teach them" which is a pretty immature way of handling disagreements or conflicts. A more mature way would be for "first offenders" to politely reply hi and help them with whatever they need and then when everything is done politely point out that asking directly would be better next time, perhaps with a link to some version of nohello.net. With "repeat offenders" sure, go ahead with what you are doing.
      - dogleash 1y ago
        > And thats why you guys are working with computers and not people In my experience, even the comically over the top people-persons will be curt to chatty people if they're swamped with a task that doesn't revolve around verbal ability. They'll also bounce back to "they won't put down <tool> and talk to me" gossip about the nerds once their deadline pressure is released. But whateves, that's life.
hombre_fatal 1y ago
I don't get what this achieves since the whole reason they sent you "hello" is that they want a TCP handshake before they get on with it. So sending hello back just acks the message and they will proceed which is what they wanted. The annoyance in TFA is that you have to do the handshake at all.
- hiAndrewQuinn 1y ago
  Actually, when you put it like that, sending 'hello' back might be the best thing you could do. They sent you a SYN, you send back and ACK, then the real conversation can begin. I suddenly no longer agree with TFA. This makes way more sense to me in this light.
  - matt_kantor 1y ago
    The problem is that a lone "hi" isn't universally used that way, and doesn't provide enough detail even when it is. I have no problem with messages like "Hi, are you free for a quick chat? I'll be around for the next 20 minutes."
  - kevindamm 1y ago
    The relevance of TFA is that this only works if the initiating party is still connected, and to make matters worse there is no ERR_SOCKET_CLOSED returned by most chat clients if that party got distracted before seeing the ACK. Then minutes or hours later they get back "hey sorry, missed your reply, ${QUERY}" when they could have just included `${QUERY}` in the initial send, or at least `framing(${QUERY})`.
    - deleted 1y ago
      [deleted]
  - quietbritishjim 1y ago
    In what way is that better than "Hello. How do I do x?" If they never reply, that's of no practical difference from just sending "Hello" and not getting a reply. In TCP, it's useful because it happens in a different layer of abstraction. Even then, QUIC was developed (partly) because it was realised there's no point waiting for the full SYN / SYN ACK / ACK before starting some of the higher-level exchange (although the early data transfer in QUIC is used for TLS initiation rather than application-level data).
dkdbejwi383 1y ago
I’ll do the same - when I get around to it, which might be an hour or two after it was sent. If the person on the other end then decides to draw out the small talk with “how are you” etc, it might take a few days for them to get an answer to their actual question, but that’s on them, it doesn’t bother me. I get to messages when I get to them. If they aren’t of substance I don’t care.
hi_hi 1y ago
This backfires on me, almost every time. I reply in kind with "hello". There can then be many hours to sometimes days. Either they then reply AGAIN with "hello" (arghhh), or even worse, there is no reply, and I break asking what they want, and _maybe_ get a reply of "never mind, got it sorted" so I NEVER KNOW.
fkyoureadthedoc 1y ago
My life hack is to ignore it completely and have several unread "hello" Teams messages from Indian dudes I never heard of. If I'm lucky they just never follow up.
drcongo 1y ago
Mine is to respond immediately with a question that requires a long and technical answer that by the time they've finished writing has completely erased their question from their mind.
quietbritishjim 1y ago
That's what they want and expect. Then they'll ask you their question. I don't get your point.

How are you? I hope this message finds you well. I have a question. ------- It’s simply not a game I want to play. My mind recommends answering »state your business«, but my polite-mind tells me not to.

4pkjai 1y ago

When people give me a hello back I raise them a “how are you?”

IshKebab 1y ago
Fine thanks, how are you?
- askew 1y ago
  askew is typing…
  - nubinetwork 1y ago
    Several people are typing...
macintux 1y ago
It took me a depressingly long time to figure out that when people (offline) ask me how I am, they don’t expect, or want, an answer.
- int_19h 1y ago
  The whole "How are you?" ritual is quite possibly the most nonsensical thing about the Anglo cultures. Like, I get that the point is to feign polite interest in the other person. But then by asking this question with the expectation of the same formulaic reply "I'm fine!" (and confusion if the response is something else) - even if the other speaker is emphatically not fine - it literally does the opposite, making it clear that the way they actually feel doesn't matter.
  - Mawr 1y ago
    I had a coworker who took this to the extreme. When they'd come up to anyone they'd say, without any pauses in-between: "Hi. How are you? So I wanted to tell you x, y, z [...]", not leaving any time to respond, even with the formulatic "I'm fine.". Really driving home that they're just reciting, without caring one bit how you feel. Pretty overwhelming to me personally, but I could tell other coworkers were taken aback by it too.

mbrd 1y ago

If I'm feeling grumpy I don't respond, but if I have some patience left in the tank I'll use, "Hi, what's up?" which usually short-circuits the salutations.

SamPatt 1y ago
Same. It's how I answer the phone too, depending on how well I know the caller. I don't think it's perceived as rude, with a friendly tone of voice.

defraudbah 1y ago

it does not, some people don't understand it. I tried every trick and one guy was still sending his hello's because it was the way he communicated. I told him twice, literally, that he cannot just say hello and wait for me to reply, and he apologized and still didn't get it. the only working option is to ignore such people, you cannot teach people with reasoning, it never works

jvanderbot 1y ago

It opens a synchronous channel, setting social expectations for somewhat realtime responses. Most of the time I treat chat like "small email", so this is abhorrent.

krisoft 1y ago
> It opens a synchronous channel, setting social expectations for somewhat realtime responses. But do you see how that is your choice? You can just type "hello", or a longer form of the same, and then go back to work. You can then check back in about an hour to see if they managed to describe what they are looking for. You can always change yourself, while it is so much harder to change others that it is almost futile. The true source of your distress is not them saying hello, but your understanding of that social expectation of realtime responses.
- danaris 1y ago
  > You can always change yourself, while it is so much harder to change others that it is almost futile. This is a defeatist attitude. Sure, there are some people who will refuse to change no matter what. But many—probably even most—people, if you explain that this is your preferred method of communication when they have a question for you to answer, will at least try to operate that way.
  - krisoft 1y ago
    > This is a defeatist attitude. It is not a defeatist attitude. It is a winning attitude. You told people how you operate and you simply stick to it. The thing you change about yourself is that you stop caring about the supposed “social expectation” that by writing “hello” they “opened a a synchronous channel“ with “expectations for somewhat realtime responses”. Now imagine that someone heard that you use messaging asyncronously and yet they still send you a simple “hello” with nothing else. You have two choices here. You can play their game, write a “hello” back and patiently wait as they type out what they need from you. OR you can type to them “hello. long time no see, how can I help you today?” And then immediately forget about them and return back to your work. In due time when you check again your messages (maybe in an hour, maybe in half an hour) you will see if they messaged you. Maybe they will say what they want by then, maybe not. My point is that while you can tell politely to people the benefits of getting to the point you can’t force them to do so. On the other hand you have full control over your reaction to them not following your prefered communication style. You can get angry, and waste your time waiting for them. Or you can stay cool, keep on working, and answer them on your schedule and on your terms politely and to the best of your abilities. If you think what i say is defeatist attitude then probably you are misunderstanding my point. It is not about changing how you communicate, but changing about how much you care about the “expectation of realtime responses”.

easton 1y ago

Wave emoji reaction, then I go back to what I was doing until the rest of the question lands. It's quicker! although these days I sometimes respond "how was your weekend" to continue the pleasantries :D

pards 1y ago

I have several responses depending on how ornery I'm feeling 1. Respond with, "Hello. How can I help?", or 2. Wait until 5:30pm then respond, "Hello" and close my laptop for the day

DrammBA 1y ago
Lately I've been going with 3. No response, people that have something important eventually follow up their lonely hello with their actual question/issue, the rest just forget about it I guess so the conversation never starts.
- benberryjam 1y ago
  That’s what I do. There’s been plenty of times where the conversation never actually begins
  - yusina 1y ago
    And thats why you guys are working with computers and not people, cause that's pretty rude. What they are doing is only rude if they are aware that it annoys people. You response is rude nonetheless since it's a version of "that'll teach them" which is a pretty immature way of handling disagreements or conflicts. A more mature way would be for "first offenders" to politely reply hi and help them with whatever they need and then when everything is done politely point out that asking directly would be better next time, perhaps with a link to some version of nohello.net. With "repeat offenders" sure, go ahead with what you are doing.
    - dogleash 1y ago
      > And thats why you guys are working with computers and not people In my experience, even the comically over the top people-persons will be curt to chatty people if they're swamped with a task that doesn't revolve around verbal ability. They'll also bounce back to "they won't put down <tool> and talk to me" gossip about the nerds once their deadline pressure is released. But whateves, that's life.

hombre_fatal 1y ago

I don't get what this achieves since the whole reason they sent you "hello" is that they want a TCP handshake before they get on with it. So sending hello back just acks the message and they will proceed which is what they wanted. The annoyance in TFA is that you have to do the handshake at all.

hiAndrewQuinn 1y ago
Actually, when you put it like that, sending 'hello' back might be the best thing you could do. They sent you a SYN, you send back and ACK, then the real conversation can begin. I suddenly no longer agree with TFA. This makes way more sense to me in this light.
- matt_kantor 1y ago
  The problem is that a lone "hi" isn't universally used that way, and doesn't provide enough detail even when it is. I have no problem with messages like "Hi, are you free for a quick chat? I'll be around for the next 20 minutes."
- kevindamm 1y ago
  The relevance of TFA is that this only works if the initiating party is still connected, and to make matters worse there is no ERR_SOCKET_CLOSED returned by most chat clients if that party got distracted before seeing the ACK. Then minutes or hours later they get back "hey sorry, missed your reply, ${QUERY}" when they could have just included `${QUERY}` in the initial send, or at least `framing(${QUERY})`.
  - deleted 1y ago
    [deleted]
- quietbritishjim 1y ago
  In what way is that better than "Hello. How do I do x?" If they never reply, that's of no practical difference from just sending "Hello" and not getting a reply. In TCP, it's useful because it happens in a different layer of abstraction. Even then, QUIC was developed (partly) because it was realised there's no point waiting for the full SYN / SYN ACK / ACK before starting some of the higher-level exchange (although the early data transfer in QUIC is used for TLS initiation rather than application-level data).

dkdbejwi383 1y ago

I’ll do the same - when I get around to it, which might be an hour or two after it was sent. If the person on the other end then decides to draw out the small talk with “how are you” etc, it might take a few days for them to get an answer to their actual question, but that’s on them, it doesn’t bother me. I get to messages when I get to them. If they aren’t of substance I don’t care.

hi_hi 1y ago

This backfires on me, almost every time. I reply in kind with "hello". There can then be many hours to sometimes days. Either they then reply AGAIN with "hello" (arghhh), or even worse, there is no reply, and I break asking what they want, and _maybe_ get a reply of "never mind, got it sorted" so I NEVER KNOW.

fkyoureadthedoc 1y ago

My life hack is to ignore it completely and have several unread "hello" Teams messages from Indian dudes I never heard of. If I'm lucky they just never follow up.

drcongo 1y ago

Mine is to respond immediately with a question that requires a long and technical answer that by the time they've finished writing has completely erased their question from their mind.

quietbritishjim 1y ago

That's what they want and expect. Then they'll ask you their question. I don't get your point.