11 ms·

Root for your friends

437 points by rez0123 1y ago

aeblyve 1y ago
And here I was cynically thinking I was going to learn how to "get root" on my friends. Still applies I guess.
- deleted 1y ago
  [deleted]
- bigiain 1y ago
  As an Australian, "Root for your friends" has a hilariously alternate meaning.
- AStonesThrow 1y ago
  I offered to give root and/or ssh to a couple of friends, and they all turned it down. I don't really have any friends anyway. Perhaps we can parlay this title into a video game. Or simply an alternate title for Core War.
  - raddan 1y ago
    Oddly I have found that nearly all of my best friends come from different walks of life than me, and do different things for work. Only one of my very good friends does the same things that I do. Others, like my stonemason friend, have very different lives, and we met by chance. I’ve also found lately that I enjoy socializing with people over a shared activity, like a class. I just got back (today) from taking a drafting (ie, architectural drawing) class. The people in it were very different from me: a mix of tradespeople and artists. Nevertheless, it was clear that all of us shared a love of learning a skill and doing it well, and so it really was a blast. I learned a lot from them. You might try just doing something different. It was an interesting experience spending the day with people who wanted to talk to me because I was the odd one out—none of them personally knew any programmers or computer scientists and they all had a million questions!
- rez0123 1y ago
  inception is a form of code execution in their brain.
- temp0826 1y ago
  sudo make me a sandwich (xkcd.com/149)
- zaphodias 1y ago
  Me too, reinforced by author's name :)
- photochemsyn 1y ago
  It's easier to get root on your friends than it is to get root on your enemies, because they likely trust you. This is why a central tenent of John Le Carre narratives is "fear your friends more than your enemies." This often plays out in the blood sport of academic politics, incidentally.
- noahchen 1y ago
  Somewhat related: I read the author's name as Joseph T Hacker at first instead of Joseph Thacker.
ketzo 1y ago
For a long time, I’ve been this person for other people, but don’t feel like I have anybody to do this for me. That’s okay — I don’t feel bitter about that or anything. And I don’t wanna overstate what a good friend I am or whatever, I just do this a decent amount. But some part of me does wish I had someone celebrating my wins. This: “No one comes to mind? Maybe you haven’t really trusted anyone with your wins yet.” really, really hit me for some reason. I’m pretty averse to praise/congratulations — even if I feel it’s deserved! — so I don’t really share my wins with people. How can I expect to have people hype me up if I don’t let them in a little? It’s obvious when I write it all out but I kinda can’t believe how long I’ve been operating this way. Anyway, great post!
- rez0123 1y ago
  I’m so glad that line helped. It was a last minute addition, and I was thinking about how so many of my friends just don’t share the awesome stuff they do with the world. Share more!!
- darth_avocado 1y ago
  > For a long time, I’ve been this person for other people, but don’t feel like I have anybody to do this for me. For the longest time I was this and unfortunately I got bitter over time. But then a couple of years ago I got back into the mindset again. A few bad years later I realized that the more happy you are for your friends, the more happy you are. Do it for yourself and nobody else.
  - danielrm26 1y ago
    Why not both?
    - saghm 1y ago
      If I'm understanding the parent comment correctly, I don't think they mean not to be happy for others, but that being happy for others is worth it even if you choose to do it purely for selfish reasons. The benefits of cheering on others are worth it even if you ignore the effects that the cheering actually has on the person you're cheering for. If you're asking why not have both motivations for it, I think that their suggestion is based on the assumption that some people might be struggling to do it for altruistic reasons if it doesn't seem like the people they're cheering deserve it. Even though it's somewhat counterintuitive to my, in my experience this is a pretty common way of thinking, especially when people feel like rewards they had to work hard for come easily for those who get them later. As a (partially made up) example, imagine if you obtained a degree where one of the requirements was a grueling, difficult course completely unrelated to anything you're trying to study, and the year after you graduate, the university finally recognizes that the requirement was unreasonable and removed it. Following the line of thinking from the article, the response that would be the most beneficial would be to be happy for those students who no longer have to take the course, but from what I've seen, it's at least as common for people to instead be upset about the unfairness of having to do the unnecessary work. For people who feel this way, I'd argue that the more compelling reason to try to feel happy rather than resentful isn't how it affects the students who get to avoid this extra work, but because the resentment doesn't really achieve anything other than making you feel bad. While it's not as easy as just "deciding" not to feel that way, I do think that we have the ability to influence our own mindsets in the long term, and I genuinely believe that actively leaning into the idea of celebrating the good thing happening for others each time a circumstance like this happens will eventually make it easier to let go of the resentment when it happens again in the future.
wewewedxfgdf 1y ago
I kinda had this maybe assembled in my head in an incomplete bits and pieces way but this really brought together the concept I love it. Whoever wrote this post is really rocking with the clear human thinking.
- rez0123 1y ago
  Thank you
spongebobstoes 1y ago
I largely agree, this is a great way to support your friends. I would add to bias towards praise, but still be honest and judicious. People know when they hear empty words, and it's important to be trustworthy.
- rez0123 1y ago
  Yeah i only put the one line in there that talks about that: > people who are honest to your face and praise you behind your back. I could have emphasized that more.
- huevosabio 1y ago
  The way I try to do it is: if you think something nice, say it
keybored 1y ago
Blogger says it’s better to be positive than negative. Could that be the case? Is it really so? Yes. And further. Thinking good thoughts is better than thinking bad thoughts about yourself or others. It’s also better to give meaningful feedback on projects. Than not meaningful feedback. “This is a message that a lot of people need to hear,” says blogger. Here’s some memes from 2012 to now.
- deleted 1y ago
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shermantanktop 1y ago
Just had a friend leave their company. They had formed a really strong network of people within that company who were in constant contact. This helped them succeed in a lot of ways. Sounds good? It was, except...most of that bonding was based on lowkey negativity by a set of people who felt powerless, complaining about how others were terrible. Some in this network went down a rabbithole of resentment and are still there. The reality is that yes, there was lots of stuff to be grumpy about. Rooting for your friends is great. But people sometimes bond over wishing harm for their foes. Shared trauma does that. I personally try to avoid that mindset.
- deleted 1y ago
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- zdc1 1y ago
  I've met a few people that I like to describe as "walking Reddit". Chat with them and they'll always have a story or gossip that's engaging and somewhat infuriating or rage-inducing. One was a colleague who would telling me all the questionable and unkind things the managers in other teams were doing. I eventually realised that these interactions weren't joyful... they were easy conversations, but they were also demoralising and lowered my energy. These days I try to "manage" my conversations with people like this by steering the topics and (gently) setting boundaries on what I don't want to talk about.
- josephg 1y ago
  > Rooting for your friends is great. But people sometimes bond over wishing harm for their foes. Shared trauma does that. Yeah this is way too common. And it’s not just trauma which does it. I think it’s its own psychological trap. I think the trap is a self reinforcing cycle of a few thoughts: 1. Other people are bad at things. Look at all the things others do which have flaws! You must be better than all those dolts. 2. You tell yourself you could do something better - but if you try, maybe it’ll have flaws too. Then you’ll be just as bad as anyone else. Uh oh. 3. So you don’t do anything creative, or take responsibility for anything. But you need a reason to tell yourself as to why you’re not doing anything. 4. It must be because other, idiot people stop you. Change is too hard. Doing anything would be “fighting against the system” or something. See point 1. And the trap is closed. The only way to escape it is to do stuff that you’re bad at. And if you do that, you’ll find all the faults in your own work and feel terrible about yourself. I think the bottom level of almost any company is packed with people who have this mindset. It’s a disaster on every level - personal and professional. And it’s quite resilient and contagious. People like that are always a little afraid that somebody will call them on it. So they need others to agree with them that staying small is the smart move. Avoiding them is definitely a smart move. I’ve taken to sometimes needling people like that, just to rattle the cage and see what happens. “You’re so right about those flaws! We’d love your help fixing some of them?” / “I think your idea is wonderful! So what you’re saying is if we got Bob on side, you think we could do it? Let me help - I’ll set up a meeting. With the two of us, I’m sure he’ll come around!” I generally hate being too positive. But I make an exception for this kind of subtle supportive bullying. This awful mindset can’t survive in the sunlight. It’s fun to see what happens!
anonu 1y ago
I believe in this. Just don't get onto to the corporate hype train.
pram 1y ago
I’m not trying to be controversial but this behavior seems to be very hard for a lot of men. I’ve noticed it a lot in my life that guys are far more willing to “circle the wagons” over petty slights, and alienate people over it. Then their ego doesn’t let them back down, and they just get more bitter from the (obvious) outcome. I’m guilty of it myself of course, but it seems like there is some kind of naturally adversarial behavior baked into me. It literally just makes things worse is the funny thing, and I already know this. But sometimes I cant stop it. Life would be easier and better if we were all collectively friendly hypemen but alas.
- cootsnuck 1y ago
  You're probably not wrong. I'm lucky and most of my guy friends are happy in each other's successes. There definitely can be an under current of something though (almost feels like skepticism) sometimes. But to be fair, I've felt that vague "skepticism" at my own successes from some of my gal pals too. But at the same time, my friend group that's mostly women will definitely gas each other up more and seemingly show more genuine interest in each other's successes and genuine sympathy in each other's setbacks.
xphos 1y ago
I like the sentiment and appreciate when I see an OP in the comments taking feedback
emptybits 1y ago
This recent episode of the Secular Buddhism podcast may be worth a listen. It gets into the enduring value and joy we can find in the good fortune of others. https://secularbuddhism.com/blog/204-beyond-happiness/ https://secularbuddhism.com/blog/204-beyond-happiness/
irrational 1y ago
I forgot for a moment what website I was on and expected the link to be about the board game Root and getting your friends to play it with you. https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/237182/root https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/237182/root
- ianburrell 1y ago
  I thought it was about giving SSH and sudo to your friends.
- hughdbrown 1y ago
  I thought it was a peevish Kiwi joke about how people of other nations do not use words as they do.
babyent 1y ago
I’m generally happy for those around me who are achieving things and doing better for themselves. I love people like that!! Friends and strangers who try and aren’t quitters.
the_arun 1y ago
Root for all around you.
foobarbecue 1y ago
In my first few years on the job, I would fill out peer evaluations honestly. We have peer evaluations where you rate people out of 5 on various performance elements like "innovative" and "leader" or whatever. Then I survived a couple of rounds of awful layoffs where really good people lost their livelihoods. Since then, I put 5 out of 5 on everyone for everything always, and say something nice in all the boxes.
- deleted 1y ago
  [deleted]
- dejj 1y ago
  I do the same. Doing HR’s job is not my job. And yet, some how I do. If I rated any satisfaction metric below 80% my manager’s manager would have him talk to me; there would be flogging until morale improves. It seems all a game of Emperor’s New Clothes.
  - 18172828286177 1y ago
    This isn’t even HR’s job. It’s the person’s manager’s job.
- rjmill 1y ago
  Goodness, yes. The last time I put (genuinely constructive) criticism in a peer evaluation, it turned out to be the only non-positive thing that was said about that coworker. So it became a focus of his yearly review. He later told me about how his review went (casually at a conference; he had no idea I was the source), and I fessed up and clarified what I actually meant. The HR process had twisted it to a much more extreme version of what I was getting at, completely undermining the utility of the feedback. Nowadays, I'm just gonna give perfect scores and if I have feedback that needs to be given, I'll just tell the coworker directly. (And if I'm not comfortable doing that, then the feedback probably isn't important enough.)
  - zo1 1y ago
    I think a big factor of that is that usually most people just do the positive feedback and don't say anything negative or constructive. So when someone does do so, it's seen as "wow, this must be so bad that they just had to say something, no matter how delicately or toned-down it is being phrased as". These days I just mention the problems and concerns to the people making the decisions because yearly review time is the wrong time to do it. At best they've only been doing this "bad" thing for a month or so, and at worst almost a whole year and no one did anything.
anotherevan 1y ago
"root" means something quite different as a slang term here in Australia. I head to read the title several times.
- yonatan8070 1y ago
  I was thinking it was about ways to securely give friends root access to your home server
  - pwdisswordfishz 1y ago
    sudo for your friends
    - pwdisswordfishz 1y ago
      Friends don't let friends sudo
- deleted 1y ago
  [deleted]
- marc_abonce 1y ago
  For anyone else wondering: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/root#Usage_notes https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/root#Usage_notes
- blitzar 1y ago
  Nothing wrong with friends that root each other too.
- twic 1y ago
  Sometimes my friends are away on long business trips, naturally their wives get bored, the headline made perfect sense to me?
Brajeshwar 1y ago
Hey, I see these greyscale images (the one at the top of the article) quite often these days. Can you please give me the prompt?
- rambambram 1y ago
  You can get the prompt in Japan, but it costs you. There's a whole studio behind it. These people also need to eat, you see.
  - ctxc 1y ago
    Get with the times. It's just virtue signaling at this point :)
    - pwdisswordfishz 1y ago
      Because vice signalling is so much better.
- gs17 1y ago
  I opened it up to look at the metadata, and I'm surprised OpenAI doesn't include any information like that (I believe ComfyUI generated images do by default). All it says it's by ChatGPT.
echan00 1y ago
You are essentially your network. Laugh where you want to laugh. I think this is great advice. Anybody who is bitter of your success should not be part of your network.
fancyswimtime 1y ago
legit thought this was about giving root priv to ur mates
neom 1y ago
Someone I'm "friends" with, recently confessed to me that they very much enjoy watching me fail. I was genuinely surprised because I love watching people win, but I dug into it a bit and apparently it's very common, people really do love to see other people have setbacks, but the research I read seemed to indicate it was more prevalent in friendships, people seem fine with other people getting a head if they don't know them personally. Apparently it's also considerably more common than not for friends to want their friends to fail, or at least take pleasure in their failures. This was all news to me till about a week or so ago, and I'm old. That research actually lead me to this, that I learned is apparently also news to me[1] - "The researchers found that boredom's effects on sadism were mediated by people's desire for excitement and novelty-seeking - essentially, sadistic behavior served as a way to escape the aversive state of boredom." - I sense somehow these two things are somewhat linked. Some reading: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/43119265_Envy_and_Schadenfreude https://www.researchgate.net/publication/43119265_Envy_and_S... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-evaluation_maintenance_theory https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-evaluation_maintenance_th... https://www.scribd.com/document/796080571/Document-2 https://www.scribd.com/document/796080571/Document-2 [1]https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44068463 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44068463
- e40 1y ago
  I’m curious about how this came out and what the fallout was. If you feel like sharing.
  - neom 1y ago
    I'm going through a really really difficult time right now, 3 major areas of my life have broken down simultaneously over the past five months. I was ranting to this guy I've known for years about it (who is very successful but was once jr to me at work) - I would have called him a "good friend" - he was drunk and giggled out something along the lines of "makes me feel strong" - I reacted as you would expect "uh.. really?". We got into a bit, and talked it out (he basically explained it was normal, hence I then went to research if that is true or not), I can see where it sits in his personality now, and I don't think he and I will be friends anymore.
madduci 1y ago
Having a partner also that roots for you makes wonders for the self esteem
notarobot123 1y ago
I have a close friend who's a huge motivator for my work. He deeply believes that I'm destined to fail and I'm determined to prove him wrong. Cheerleaders are great if you need reassurance and affirmation. If you want to innovate and push boundaries, I'd argue that competition is a more significant driver.
- neom 1y ago
  I need to learn from you. Also: good for you!
- bigstrat2003 1y ago
  > If you want to innovate and push boundaries, I'd argue that competition is a more significant driver. Competition is great, but there's no reason it needs to be negatively tinged (as in your example). Two people can compete and push themselves hard to come out ahead, but also cheer for each other to do well. After all, if your rival sucks they don't really push you to get better, so cheering for them is in a way cheering for yourself too.
- morningsam 1y ago
  There's a huge difference between believing someone will fail and hoping that they will.
- cootsnuck 1y ago
  You could be right. It could also be that if your friend was supportive and was excited for you that you would still be motivated to succeed. I have a feeling that you're striving in spite of the lack of support, not because of it. And also that your own creativity and persistence is able to turn lemons into lemonade. So whatever your friends gave you, you'd take it and make it work. I'd say all of that is the complete opposite of what people do that are destined to fail.
NetOpWibby 1y ago
I’m the hype man and motivator for all my close friends…and URL friends. The world (Internet) is VERY GOOD at telling you how much you suck and most people are susceptible to that. Having someone who believes in you helps you build confidence and drive. I think my friends are dope af so why wouldn’t I big them up?
Haeuserschlucht 1y ago
Lets face it once and for all: there are no true friendships anywhere on this planet and there have never been. That's why people read studies and talk about friendships like it was a research topic of an alien species. There is only people, who give more than they get, hoping to one day get a little bit back. Don't chase something that had never been there and won't be there. Thank me later.
- xlii 1y ago
  Ok, so maybe instead of friendship let’s call it platonic love. I get your point, but we are herd animals. Today distance is bigger than ever so we are more often lonely. Some believe in gods, religions but I rather believe in people and make it a hill I’ll die on.
  - Haeuserschlucht 1y ago
    We need connection with other people but due to fears we make it hard for others to connect with us. Fears that are not always justified.
- fredrb 1y ago
  I’m sorry that has been your experience. The culture you’re brought up in is hardly representative for 8 billion people’s experience.
  - Haeuserschlucht 1y ago
    Don't talk like you don't know first hand what I am talking about if you did an honest review of what you call friendship.
- rez0123 1y ago
  I’m really sorry that someone betrayed/hurt you so much and I hope you are able to forgive them.
  - Haeuserschlucht 1y ago
Waterluvian 1y ago
I’ve found my way into a small group of incredibly supportive dads. And one of the ways in which we exercise rooting for our friends is to basically commandeer “jealousy” into a positive thing. “Ah man I’m so jealous that your kids sleep so well!” “Jealousy” in a non-toxic manner feels kind of right for the task of describing wins that we all know are largely just up to random chance. Being jealous of someone’s hard work doesn’t really feel the same.
- 47282847 1y ago
  This sounds beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I think Jealousy is a useful and important emotional state in society, and to wish it away and suppress it only makes it show up in violent ways. Like all emotions, if we allow and appreciate (and share!), it flows through us and does not fester.
- anton-c 1y ago
  Yes. Also envy may be the right word. You can both have something you are envious of. That's pedantic of me. What I rly wanted to say is admitting jealousy vs showing signs of it are two diff things and you guys nailed it. Glad you have a good support group.
anshumankmr 1y ago
I root for my friends, but it's hard since the ones who mattered are all abroad. I haven’t seen most school friends in a decade, and college friends since 2020—except one, who’s now in Australia. A relationship ended badly last year, and I haven’t had the energy to start another. I’ve made a few surface-level connections through running/cycling clubs, with one solid bond. Feel bummed to keep rooting for other people, but no one is there that way for me, besides my parents. Having a cat reall helps though.
- rez0123 1y ago
  Have you made any friends online? A ton of my friends are people I interact with almost exclusively on discord
  - anshumankmr 1y ago
    Need more time offline than online. Especially the past month or so where I have been at home mostly, prepping for an interview, doing nothing but Leetcoding, pretty much.
  - anton-c 1y ago
    I've struggled to make any of those into one's where I'd DM the person if I was in a rough spot or felt I could count on them. You ever manage that? For a short time in the 2000s with my wow guild I did but that was different. It was always TeamSpeak so I felt I knew the person v discord(where i only voice chat with irl friends... so far) I'd love to be able to make that happen. Probably my own confidence is the issue.
pwdisswordfishz 1y ago
> You just shipped a side‑project that lands on the front page of Hacker News. Who’s the first person you want to tell? No one, I'd be embarrassed.
- diggan 1y ago
  Ok, I'll bite. Why? You happen to have a sort of antagonistic relationship with HN?
  - pwdisswordfishz 1y ago
    I'm not the poster, I'm Stavros, I just wanted to see if his username was accurate. I wonder how many people have actually done this before me.
    - awinter-py 1y ago
      pw is a diss word, fishz?
      - pwdisswordfishz 1y ago
        I feel like if you don't get the password, you don't deserve access.
        stavros 1y ago
        Well that was a fun little interaction, thanks for the entertainment!
InsideOutSanta 1y ago
This is probably one of the most essential bits of advice you can get. Not only is it beneficial to your friends and career, but it's also beneficial for your mental health. It's not easy, at least initially. Jealousy is an emotion that's easy to come by and hard to dismiss. It's also an emotion that makes you unhappy, so learning to feel pride and happiness instead of jealousy made my life immeasurably better. I don't care if it's reciprocal; I do it because it's right for others and it's right for me.
jesucresta 1y ago
This feels like advice for the most basic level of empathy (support your friends) with the cherry on top of AI slop as the opener. Americans sure are something else.
gsky 1y ago
Everybody wants you to do well, but not better than them. Jealousy is one unavoidable thing
miracoli 1y ago
I think this post really shows cultural differences in the term 'friendship'. Where I grew up (in Germany) most people I know would not abandon friendship because they read a blog post. a real friendship is something special that you maintain also in difficult times and sometimes people are jealous, but that can change and I think the understanding of friendship as a kind of 'success accellerator' is something that sounds quite stange for me. From my definition friendship is exactly the kind of relationship that comes without such expectations
- fragmede 1y ago
  I think the contents of said blog post is material to the conversation at hand. The opposite of a "success accelerator" hypeman would be someone that's constantly tearing you down, talking bar about you behind your back, and constantly and actively trying to get you to fail. If it's the contents of blog post that helps someone recognize such a person isn't really their friend, why is it even relevant what bit if media helped them come to that realization?
- actuallyalys 1y ago
  Personally, I wouldn’t normally think of a friendship as a “success accelerator” because that reduces a friendship to its material benefits. I think you can have strong and meaningful relationships without this aspect at all. Still, I do want to acknowledge that if I’m in a position to help accelerate a friend’s success, I will. I don’t know whether I’d say I expect my friends to do the same for me since it’s so contextual. At the same time I would expect a certain level of reciprocity if they’re in the position to reciprocate, although I admit I’m struggling to articulate my expectations clearly, since they’re not simply one to one.
imaginationra 1y ago
THIS is a great post and wonderful tips! I've always been the hype person for everyone I know and have subsequently been allowed to have an amazing, thriving creative career while I've seen countless jealous, desperate, scarcity minded people fall by the wayside over the years. Just released an original animated feature film musical where I did most everything myself with help from a few friends I hype https://www.imlivingmylife.com/ https://www.imlivingmylife.com/
- cootsnuck 1y ago
  That looks weird as hell. I love when people let their weirdness and creativity shine. Congrats on such a big project!
  - imaginationra 1y ago
    Hey thank you and I'm sorry I didn't see this comment sooner. I've been making/releasing original weird stuff for about 20 years now
deviantintegral 1y ago
I was expecting an article about giving out root accounts on homelab servers!
lapcat 1y ago
The nominal subject of the article is "friends", but it appears that the article is best understood as about work friends. Perhaps "allies" would be a more appropriate term? I hope that the author has some work/life balance and can feel the difference between these two categories. I would define a friend as someone with whom you enjoy spending time. There doesn't need to be a goal except to "hang out". Do you really need a friend to "give meaningful feedback on your projects"? The author's conception of a friend, in the article, feels starkly utilitarian, where friendship is a tool for achieving your other ends rather than an end in itself. If we interpret friends here as work friends, then I think a little jealousy and zero-sumness is natural. The very first benefit mentioned by the author of rooting for your friends is that it "can improve your career". If your work friend's career improves, but yours doesn't, then doesn't that defeat the (author's) purpose? > It’s deeply believing that a rising tide lifts all boats. I deeply believe that this is utterly naive. It's not inherently false—we could make it true, if we really wanted—but it's empirically false, for the obvious reason that those who are lifted tend to be greedy and want to keep all the gains for themselves. Whether that's because power corrupts, because power attracts the corrupt, or some combination of the two, the problem is that those at the top come to feel that they deserve to be at top, that they're better than those who are not at the top and have been rewarded for their superiority, and thus from their perspective it would almost be immoral to "reward" those below who aren't as "good".
- waonderer 1y ago
  Relationships are of various kinds that extend in various dimensions. What the Author has talked about definitely sounds more like a "work-friend" relationship, but is not entirely separate from a "friend-friend" that you define. > It’s deeply believing that a rising tide lifts all boats. This is true, but with context. "Growth" and "Comfort" are two different elements of a good friendship. We can replace "rising" with "happy", and the same quote works for comfort. Are both necessary? Depends on how you define "friendship". If comfort is the only thing, you dog can be a comfortable companion. But for a human friendship to last longer, both must enjoy each other company for longer time horizon, and that needs growth in both. This growth needs not be only in career, but mental too. With such growth, envy can't come in and corrode the bond.
photochemsyn 1y ago
The most dishonest fraudulent academic researcher I even encountered made a point of encouraging collegiality, but eventually I realized this was part of his scheme for not being exposed as a fraud. Everyone in his department knew he was fudging his data, but nobody called him on it because he was such a nice guy to everyone else. This is how you end up with systematic institutional corruption in academic departments along with a lot of non-reproducible garbage science. Thus a better strategy is to support people who do good work, regardless of whether they're your 'friends' or not.
- NickC25 1y ago
  He could have been a fraud or not, but you might have been missing his point. Perhaps his point was that he just genuinely liked to be a decent human being instead of rolling into work each day with an attitude of "I'm better than all of you peons, fuck you and your families, may (deity of your choice) condemn you all to death and perpetual hellfire" I've been in a position where I shouldn't have been before. I too was kind to everyone. Whether or not I was good at my job or role has no effect on basic human decency, or holding the door, saying good morning, or not cutting someone off deliberately in the company parking lot. There's two kinds of respect - earned, and given. People seem to not understand that, and see no reason why they shouldn't slam the door in the person behind them's face. You can be kind to everyone, it doesn't cost you anything. Give people props when they deserve it, but don't smash the homeless dude on the street's face when you walk by him - he's human too. You should support those who do good work, and call out those who don't. But you don't have to be an asshole to them, either.
bastawhiz 1y ago
One of the best things I've ever done for my own career is being mindful of celebrating the wins of my coworkers. Call out a good refactor that would have gone unnoticed. Email someone's manager or skip level in the lead up to performance reviews and tell them how they made things better. Publicly thank the person that took notes or groomed the backlog or had a noisy on-call rotation. Everybody appreciates getting celebrated. Managers love hearing that their reports are being appreciated. Leadership loves to hear about wins that are normally invisible to them. You're directly benefiting the people around you, and it reflects well on you as someone who cares, pays attention, has empathy, and has a focus on career growth. Maybe it's just because it's normally a behavior associated with senior ICs, but people hear this stuff and start to look to you as an authority and example.
floriferous 1y ago
The blinking thing after the author's name in the sidebar is terribly distracting, why make it impossible to scroll past it, or just not have this infinitely running animation? Great article otherwise.
- rsanek 1y ago
  Agree, I blocked it with uBlock
Electricniko 1y ago
I saw the link and was kinda hoping his name was Joseph T Hacker.
epolanski 1y ago
I have two points I want to make: 1) friends definition is vague and often based on language. In Italian or English friend is a word that could include for a single person dozens of people, in many Slavic countries you only use that word for your very best closest friends (the one you can count on one hand). 2) being a humble rooter at work has done better for me and many I know than being the star player. I'm the same person, I just give to others credit and never brag about anything. People notice, people like you, people want you around in projects, end up rooting for your advancements too.
Perenti 1y ago
Given what the verb "root" means here in Oz, this seems extremely friendly, although possibly unhygenic.
sans_souse 1y ago
Am I the only one who read the title and the source and thought this was about rooting devices? +1 tho, we could use some more positivity all around. Root for your friends, family, your peers. Hell root for anyone that you have respect for. That's how you live. That's the real W.
llimos 1y ago
Interesting that there's no word in English for this. There is one in Yiddish: fargin
tmnvix 1y ago
"Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little." - Gore Vidal
thewileyone 1y ago
I've trimmed those in my life that don't root for me, doesn't matter loudly or quietly. I've deepened relationships that I've had for 10, 20, 30 years by rooting for them, loyally and unabashedly. I've foster new friendships by rooting for them, deservedly or undeservedly. I've realized that it makes my life more fulfilling and it's given me a solid reputation as a side benefit.

437 points by rez0123 1y ago

aeblyve 1y ago

And here I was cynically thinking I was going to learn how to "get root" on my friends. Still applies I guess.

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bigiain 1y ago
As an Australian, "Root for your friends" has a hilariously alternate meaning.
AStonesThrow 1y ago
I offered to give root and/or ssh to a couple of friends, and they all turned it down. I don't really have any friends anyway. Perhaps we can parlay this title into a video game. Or simply an alternate title for Core War.
- raddan 1y ago
  Oddly I have found that nearly all of my best friends come from different walks of life than me, and do different things for work. Only one of my very good friends does the same things that I do. Others, like my stonemason friend, have very different lives, and we met by chance. I’ve also found lately that I enjoy socializing with people over a shared activity, like a class. I just got back (today) from taking a drafting (ie, architectural drawing) class. The people in it were very different from me: a mix of tradespeople and artists. Nevertheless, it was clear that all of us shared a love of learning a skill and doing it well, and so it really was a blast. I learned a lot from them. You might try just doing something different. It was an interesting experience spending the day with people who wanted to talk to me because I was the odd one out—none of them personally knew any programmers or computer scientists and they all had a million questions!
rez0123 1y ago
inception is a form of code execution in their brain.
temp0826 1y ago
sudo make me a sandwich (xkcd.com/149)
zaphodias 1y ago
Me too, reinforced by author's name :)
photochemsyn 1y ago
It's easier to get root on your friends than it is to get root on your enemies, because they likely trust you. This is why a central tenent of John Le Carre narratives is "fear your friends more than your enemies." This often plays out in the blood sport of academic politics, incidentally.
noahchen 1y ago
Somewhat related: I read the author's name as Joseph T Hacker at first instead of Joseph Thacker.

ketzo 1y ago

For a long time, I’ve been this person for other people, but don’t feel like I have anybody to do this for me. That’s okay — I don’t feel bitter about that or anything. And I don’t wanna overstate what a good friend I am or whatever, I just do this a decent amount. But some part of me does wish I had someone celebrating my wins. This: “No one comes to mind? Maybe you haven’t really trusted anyone with your wins yet.” really, really hit me for some reason. I’m pretty averse to praise/congratulations — even if I feel it’s deserved! — so I don’t really share my wins with people. How can I expect to have people hype me up if I don’t let them in a little? It’s obvious when I write it all out but I kinda can’t believe how long I’ve been operating this way. Anyway, great post!

rez0123 1y ago
I’m so glad that line helped. It was a last minute addition, and I was thinking about how so many of my friends just don’t share the awesome stuff they do with the world. Share more!!
darth_avocado 1y ago
> For a long time, I’ve been this person for other people, but don’t feel like I have anybody to do this for me. For the longest time I was this and unfortunately I got bitter over time. But then a couple of years ago I got back into the mindset again. A few bad years later I realized that the more happy you are for your friends, the more happy you are. Do it for yourself and nobody else.
- danielrm26 1y ago
  Why not both?
  - saghm 1y ago
    If I'm understanding the parent comment correctly, I don't think they mean not to be happy for others, but that being happy for others is worth it even if you choose to do it purely for selfish reasons. The benefits of cheering on others are worth it even if you ignore the effects that the cheering actually has on the person you're cheering for. If you're asking why not have both motivations for it, I think that their suggestion is based on the assumption that some people might be struggling to do it for altruistic reasons if it doesn't seem like the people they're cheering deserve it. Even though it's somewhat counterintuitive to my, in my experience this is a pretty common way of thinking, especially when people feel like rewards they had to work hard for come easily for those who get them later. As a (partially made up) example, imagine if you obtained a degree where one of the requirements was a grueling, difficult course completely unrelated to anything you're trying to study, and the year after you graduate, the university finally recognizes that the requirement was unreasonable and removed it. Following the line of thinking from the article, the response that would be the most beneficial would be to be happy for those students who no longer have to take the course, but from what I've seen, it's at least as common for people to instead be upset about the unfairness of having to do the unnecessary work. For people who feel this way, I'd argue that the more compelling reason to try to feel happy rather than resentful isn't how it affects the students who get to avoid this extra work, but because the resentment doesn't really achieve anything other than making you feel bad. While it's not as easy as just "deciding" not to feel that way, I do think that we have the ability to influence our own mindsets in the long term, and I genuinely believe that actively leaning into the idea of celebrating the good thing happening for others each time a circumstance like this happens will eventually make it easier to let go of the resentment when it happens again in the future.

wewewedxfgdf 1y ago

I kinda had this maybe assembled in my head in an incomplete bits and pieces way but this really brought together the concept I love it. Whoever wrote this post is really rocking with the clear human thinking.

rez0123 1y ago
Thank you

spongebobstoes 1y ago

I largely agree, this is a great way to support your friends. I would add to bias towards praise, but still be honest and judicious. People know when they hear empty words, and it's important to be trustworthy.

rez0123 1y ago
Yeah i only put the one line in there that talks about that: > people who are honest to your face and praise you behind your back. I could have emphasized that more.
huevosabio 1y ago
The way I try to do it is: if you think something nice, say it

keybored 1y ago

Blogger says it’s better to be positive than negative. Could that be the case? Is it really so? Yes. And further. Thinking good thoughts is better than thinking bad thoughts about yourself or others. It’s also better to give meaningful feedback on projects. Than not meaningful feedback. “This is a message that a lot of people need to hear,” says blogger. Here’s some memes from 2012 to now.

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shermantanktop 1y ago

Just had a friend leave their company. They had formed a really strong network of people within that company who were in constant contact. This helped them succeed in a lot of ways. Sounds good? It was, except...most of that bonding was based on lowkey negativity by a set of people who felt powerless, complaining about how others were terrible. Some in this network went down a rabbithole of resentment and are still there. The reality is that yes, there was lots of stuff to be grumpy about. Rooting for your friends is great. But people sometimes bond over wishing harm for their foes. Shared trauma does that. I personally try to avoid that mindset.

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zdc1 1y ago
I've met a few people that I like to describe as "walking Reddit". Chat with them and they'll always have a story or gossip that's engaging and somewhat infuriating or rage-inducing. One was a colleague who would telling me all the questionable and unkind things the managers in other teams were doing. I eventually realised that these interactions weren't joyful... they were easy conversations, but they were also demoralising and lowered my energy. These days I try to "manage" my conversations with people like this by steering the topics and (gently) setting boundaries on what I don't want to talk about.
josephg 1y ago
> Rooting for your friends is great. But people sometimes bond over wishing harm for their foes. Shared trauma does that. Yeah this is way too common. And it’s not just trauma which does it. I think it’s its own psychological trap. I think the trap is a self reinforcing cycle of a few thoughts: 1. Other people are bad at things. Look at all the things others do which have flaws! You must be better than all those dolts. 2. You tell yourself you could do something better - but if you try, maybe it’ll have flaws too. Then you’ll be just as bad as anyone else. Uh oh. 3. So you don’t do anything creative, or take responsibility for anything. But you need a reason to tell yourself as to why you’re not doing anything. 4. It must be because other, idiot people stop you. Change is too hard. Doing anything would be “fighting against the system” or something. See point 1. And the trap is closed. The only way to escape it is to do stuff that you’re bad at. And if you do that, you’ll find all the faults in your own work and feel terrible about yourself. I think the bottom level of almost any company is packed with people who have this mindset. It’s a disaster on every level - personal and professional. And it’s quite resilient and contagious. People like that are always a little afraid that somebody will call them on it. So they need others to agree with them that staying small is the smart move. Avoiding them is definitely a smart move. I’ve taken to sometimes needling people like that, just to rattle the cage and see what happens. “You’re so right about those flaws! We’d love your help fixing some of them?” / “I think your idea is wonderful! So what you’re saying is if we got Bob on side, you think we could do it? Let me help - I’ll set up a meeting. With the two of us, I’m sure he’ll come around!” I generally hate being too positive. But I make an exception for this kind of subtle supportive bullying. This awful mindset can’t survive in the sunlight. It’s fun to see what happens!

anonu 1y ago

I believe in this. Just don't get onto to the corporate hype train.

pram 1y ago

I’m not trying to be controversial but this behavior seems to be very hard for a lot of men. I’ve noticed it a lot in my life that guys are far more willing to “circle the wagons” over petty slights, and alienate people over it. Then their ego doesn’t let them back down, and they just get more bitter from the (obvious) outcome. I’m guilty of it myself of course, but it seems like there is some kind of naturally adversarial behavior baked into me. It literally just makes things worse is the funny thing, and I already know this. But sometimes I cant stop it. Life would be easier and better if we were all collectively friendly hypemen but alas.

cootsnuck 1y ago
You're probably not wrong. I'm lucky and most of my guy friends are happy in each other's successes. There definitely can be an under current of something though (almost feels like skepticism) sometimes. But to be fair, I've felt that vague "skepticism" at my own successes from some of my gal pals too. But at the same time, my friend group that's mostly women will definitely gas each other up more and seemingly show more genuine interest in each other's successes and genuine sympathy in each other's setbacks.

xphos 1y ago

I like the sentiment and appreciate when I see an OP in the comments taking feedback

emptybits 1y ago

This recent episode of the Secular Buddhism podcast may be worth a listen. It gets into the enduring value and joy we can find in the good fortune of others. https://secularbuddhism.com/blog/204-beyond-happiness/ https://secularbuddhism.com/blog/204-beyond-happiness/

irrational 1y ago

I forgot for a moment what website I was on and expected the link to be about the board game Root and getting your friends to play it with you. https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/237182/root https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/237182/root

ianburrell 1y ago
I thought it was about giving SSH and sudo to your friends.
hughdbrown 1y ago
I thought it was a peevish Kiwi joke about how people of other nations do not use words as they do.

babyent 1y ago

I’m generally happy for those around me who are achieving things and doing better for themselves. I love people like that!! Friends and strangers who try and aren’t quitters.

the_arun 1y ago

Root for all around you.

foobarbecue 1y ago

In my first few years on the job, I would fill out peer evaluations honestly. We have peer evaluations where you rate people out of 5 on various performance elements like "innovative" and "leader" or whatever. Then I survived a couple of rounds of awful layoffs where really good people lost their livelihoods. Since then, I put 5 out of 5 on everyone for everything always, and say something nice in all the boxes.

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dejj 1y ago
I do the same. Doing HR’s job is not my job. And yet, some how I do. If I rated any satisfaction metric below 80% my manager’s manager would have him talk to me; there would be flogging until morale improves. It seems all a game of Emperor’s New Clothes.
- 18172828286177 1y ago
  This isn’t even HR’s job. It’s the person’s manager’s job.
rjmill 1y ago
Goodness, yes. The last time I put (genuinely constructive) criticism in a peer evaluation, it turned out to be the only non-positive thing that was said about that coworker. So it became a focus of his yearly review. He later told me about how his review went (casually at a conference; he had no idea I was the source), and I fessed up and clarified what I actually meant. The HR process had twisted it to a much more extreme version of what I was getting at, completely undermining the utility of the feedback. Nowadays, I'm just gonna give perfect scores and if I have feedback that needs to be given, I'll just tell the coworker directly. (And if I'm not comfortable doing that, then the feedback probably isn't important enough.)
- zo1 1y ago
  I think a big factor of that is that usually most people just do the positive feedback and don't say anything negative or constructive. So when someone does do so, it's seen as "wow, this must be so bad that they just had to say something, no matter how delicately or toned-down it is being phrased as". These days I just mention the problems and concerns to the people making the decisions because yearly review time is the wrong time to do it. At best they've only been doing this "bad" thing for a month or so, and at worst almost a whole year and no one did anything.

anotherevan 1y ago

"root" means something quite different as a slang term here in Australia. I head to read the title several times.

yonatan8070 1y ago
I was thinking it was about ways to securely give friends root access to your home server
- pwdisswordfishz 1y ago
  sudo for your friends
  - pwdisswordfishz 1y ago
    Friends don't let friends sudo
deleted 1y ago
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marc_abonce 1y ago
For anyone else wondering: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/root#Usage_notes https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/root#Usage_notes
blitzar 1y ago
Nothing wrong with friends that root each other too.
twic 1y ago
Sometimes my friends are away on long business trips, naturally their wives get bored, the headline made perfect sense to me?

Brajeshwar 1y ago

Hey, I see these greyscale images (the one at the top of the article) quite often these days. Can you please give me the prompt?

rambambram 1y ago
You can get the prompt in Japan, but it costs you. There's a whole studio behind it. These people also need to eat, you see.
- ctxc 1y ago
  Get with the times. It's just virtue signaling at this point :)
  - pwdisswordfishz 1y ago
    Because vice signalling is so much better.
gs17 1y ago
I opened it up to look at the metadata, and I'm surprised OpenAI doesn't include any information like that (I believe ComfyUI generated images do by default). All it says it's by ChatGPT.

echan00 1y ago

You are essentially your network. Laugh where you want to laugh. I think this is great advice. Anybody who is bitter of your success should not be part of your network.

fancyswimtime 1y ago

legit thought this was about giving root priv to ur mates

neom 1y ago

Someone I'm "friends" with, recently confessed to me that they very much enjoy watching me fail. I was genuinely surprised because I love watching people win, but I dug into it a bit and apparently it's very common, people really do love to see other people have setbacks, but the research I read seemed to indicate it was more prevalent in friendships, people seem fine with other people getting a head if they don't know them personally. Apparently it's also considerably more common than not for friends to want their friends to fail, or at least take pleasure in their failures. This was all news to me till about a week or so ago, and I'm old. That research actually lead me to this, that I learned is apparently also news to me[1] - "The researchers found that boredom's effects on sadism were mediated by people's desire for excitement and novelty-seeking - essentially, sadistic behavior served as a way to escape the aversive state of boredom." - I sense somehow these two things are somewhat linked. Some reading: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/43119265_Envy_and_Schadenfreude https://www.researchgate.net/publication/43119265_Envy_and_S... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-evaluation_maintenance_theory https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-evaluation_maintenance_th... https://www.scribd.com/document/796080571/Document-2 https://www.scribd.com/document/796080571/Document-2 [1]https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44068463 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44068463

e40 1y ago
I’m curious about how this came out and what the fallout was. If you feel like sharing.
- neom 1y ago
  I'm going through a really really difficult time right now, 3 major areas of my life have broken down simultaneously over the past five months. I was ranting to this guy I've known for years about it (who is very successful but was once jr to me at work) - I would have called him a "good friend" - he was drunk and giggled out something along the lines of "makes me feel strong" - I reacted as you would expect "uh.. really?". We got into a bit, and talked it out (he basically explained it was normal, hence I then went to research if that is true or not), I can see where it sits in his personality now, and I don't think he and I will be friends anymore.

madduci 1y ago

Having a partner also that roots for you makes wonders for the self esteem

notarobot123 1y ago

I have a close friend who's a huge motivator for my work. He deeply believes that I'm destined to fail and I'm determined to prove him wrong. Cheerleaders are great if you need reassurance and affirmation. If you want to innovate and push boundaries, I'd argue that competition is a more significant driver.

neom 1y ago
I need to learn from you. Also: good for you!
bigstrat2003 1y ago
> If you want to innovate and push boundaries, I'd argue that competition is a more significant driver. Competition is great, but there's no reason it needs to be negatively tinged (as in your example). Two people can compete and push themselves hard to come out ahead, but also cheer for each other to do well. After all, if your rival sucks they don't really push you to get better, so cheering for them is in a way cheering for yourself too.
morningsam 1y ago
There's a huge difference between believing someone will fail and hoping that they will.
cootsnuck 1y ago
You could be right. It could also be that if your friend was supportive and was excited for you that you would still be motivated to succeed. I have a feeling that you're striving in spite of the lack of support, not because of it. And also that your own creativity and persistence is able to turn lemons into lemonade. So whatever your friends gave you, you'd take it and make it work. I'd say all of that is the complete opposite of what people do that are destined to fail.

NetOpWibby 1y ago

I’m the hype man and motivator for all my close friends…and URL friends. The world (Internet) is VERY GOOD at telling you how much you suck and most people are susceptible to that. Having someone who believes in you helps you build confidence and drive. I think my friends are dope af so why wouldn’t I big them up?

Haeuserschlucht 1y ago

Lets face it once and for all: there are no true friendships anywhere on this planet and there have never been. That's why people read studies and talk about friendships like it was a research topic of an alien species. There is only people, who give more than they get, hoping to one day get a little bit back. Don't chase something that had never been there and won't be there. Thank me later.

xlii 1y ago
Ok, so maybe instead of friendship let’s call it platonic love. I get your point, but we are herd animals. Today distance is bigger than ever so we are more often lonely. Some believe in gods, religions but I rather believe in people and make it a hill I’ll die on.
- Haeuserschlucht 1y ago
  We need connection with other people but due to fears we make it hard for others to connect with us. Fears that are not always justified.
fredrb 1y ago
I’m sorry that has been your experience. The culture you’re brought up in is hardly representative for 8 billion people’s experience.
- Haeuserschlucht 1y ago
  Don't talk like you don't know first hand what I am talking about if you did an honest review of what you call friendship.
rez0123 1y ago
I’m really sorry that someone betrayed/hurt you so much and I hope you are able to forgive them.
- Haeuserschlucht 1y ago

Waterluvian 1y ago

I’ve found my way into a small group of incredibly supportive dads. And one of the ways in which we exercise rooting for our friends is to basically commandeer “jealousy” into a positive thing. “Ah man I’m so jealous that your kids sleep so well!” “Jealousy” in a non-toxic manner feels kind of right for the task of describing wins that we all know are largely just up to random chance. Being jealous of someone’s hard work doesn’t really feel the same.

47282847 1y ago
This sounds beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I think Jealousy is a useful and important emotional state in society, and to wish it away and suppress it only makes it show up in violent ways. Like all emotions, if we allow and appreciate (and share!), it flows through us and does not fester.
anton-c 1y ago
Yes. Also envy may be the right word. You can both have something you are envious of. That's pedantic of me. What I rly wanted to say is admitting jealousy vs showing signs of it are two diff things and you guys nailed it. Glad you have a good support group.

anshumankmr 1y ago

I root for my friends, but it's hard since the ones who mattered are all abroad. I haven’t seen most school friends in a decade, and college friends since 2020—except one, who’s now in Australia. A relationship ended badly last year, and I haven’t had the energy to start another. I’ve made a few surface-level connections through running/cycling clubs, with one solid bond. Feel bummed to keep rooting for other people, but no one is there that way for me, besides my parents. Having a cat reall helps though.

rez0123 1y ago
Have you made any friends online? A ton of my friends are people I interact with almost exclusively on discord
- anshumankmr 1y ago
  Need more time offline than online. Especially the past month or so where I have been at home mostly, prepping for an interview, doing nothing but Leetcoding, pretty much.
- anton-c 1y ago
  I've struggled to make any of those into one's where I'd DM the person if I was in a rough spot or felt I could count on them. You ever manage that? For a short time in the 2000s with my wow guild I did but that was different. It was always TeamSpeak so I felt I knew the person v discord(where i only voice chat with irl friends... so far) I'd love to be able to make that happen. Probably my own confidence is the issue.

pwdisswordfishz 1y ago

> You just shipped a side‑project that lands on the front page of Hacker News. Who’s the first person you want to tell? No one, I'd be embarrassed.

diggan 1y ago
Ok, I'll bite. Why? You happen to have a sort of antagonistic relationship with HN?
- pwdisswordfishz 1y ago
  I'm not the poster, I'm Stavros, I just wanted to see if his username was accurate. I wonder how many people have actually done this before me.
  - awinter-py 1y ago
    pw is a diss word, fishz?
    - pwdisswordfishz 1y ago
      I feel like if you don't get the password, you don't deserve access.
      - stavros 1y ago
        Well that was a fun little interaction, thanks for the entertainment!

InsideOutSanta 1y ago

This is probably one of the most essential bits of advice you can get. Not only is it beneficial to your friends and career, but it's also beneficial for your mental health. It's not easy, at least initially. Jealousy is an emotion that's easy to come by and hard to dismiss. It's also an emotion that makes you unhappy, so learning to feel pride and happiness instead of jealousy made my life immeasurably better. I don't care if it's reciprocal; I do it because it's right for others and it's right for me.

jesucresta 1y ago

This feels like advice for the most basic level of empathy (support your friends) with the cherry on top of AI slop as the opener. Americans sure are something else.

gsky 1y ago

Everybody wants you to do well, but not better than them. Jealousy is one unavoidable thing

miracoli 1y ago

I think this post really shows cultural differences in the term 'friendship'. Where I grew up (in Germany) most people I know would not abandon friendship because they read a blog post. a real friendship is something special that you maintain also in difficult times and sometimes people are jealous, but that can change and I think the understanding of friendship as a kind of 'success accellerator' is something that sounds quite stange for me. From my definition friendship is exactly the kind of relationship that comes without such expectations

fragmede 1y ago
I think the contents of said blog post is material to the conversation at hand. The opposite of a "success accelerator" hypeman would be someone that's constantly tearing you down, talking bar about you behind your back, and constantly and actively trying to get you to fail. If it's the contents of blog post that helps someone recognize such a person isn't really their friend, why is it even relevant what bit if media helped them come to that realization?
actuallyalys 1y ago
Personally, I wouldn’t normally think of a friendship as a “success accelerator” because that reduces a friendship to its material benefits. I think you can have strong and meaningful relationships without this aspect at all. Still, I do want to acknowledge that if I’m in a position to help accelerate a friend’s success, I will. I don’t know whether I’d say I expect my friends to do the same for me since it’s so contextual. At the same time I would expect a certain level of reciprocity if they’re in the position to reciprocate, although I admit I’m struggling to articulate my expectations clearly, since they’re not simply one to one.

imaginationra 1y ago

THIS is a great post and wonderful tips! I've always been the hype person for everyone I know and have subsequently been allowed to have an amazing, thriving creative career while I've seen countless jealous, desperate, scarcity minded people fall by the wayside over the years. Just released an original animated feature film musical where I did most everything myself with help from a few friends I hype https://www.imlivingmylife.com/ https://www.imlivingmylife.com/

cootsnuck 1y ago
That looks weird as hell. I love when people let their weirdness and creativity shine. Congrats on such a big project!
- imaginationra 1y ago
  Hey thank you and I'm sorry I didn't see this comment sooner. I've been making/releasing original weird stuff for about 20 years now

deviantintegral 1y ago

I was expecting an article about giving out root accounts on homelab servers!

lapcat 1y ago

The nominal subject of the article is "friends", but it appears that the article is best understood as about work friends. Perhaps "allies" would be a more appropriate term? I hope that the author has some work/life balance and can feel the difference between these two categories. I would define a friend as someone with whom you enjoy spending time. There doesn't need to be a goal except to "hang out". Do you really need a friend to "give meaningful feedback on your projects"? The author's conception of a friend, in the article, feels starkly utilitarian, where friendship is a tool for achieving your other ends rather than an end in itself. If we interpret friends here as work friends, then I think a little jealousy and zero-sumness is natural. The very first benefit mentioned by the author of rooting for your friends is that it "can improve your career". If your work friend's career improves, but yours doesn't, then doesn't that defeat the (author's) purpose? > It’s deeply believing that a rising tide lifts all boats. I deeply believe that this is utterly naive. It's not inherently false—we could make it true, if we really wanted—but it's empirically false, for the obvious reason that those who are lifted tend to be greedy and want to keep all the gains for themselves. Whether that's because power corrupts, because power attracts the corrupt, or some combination of the two, the problem is that those at the top come to feel that they deserve to be at top, that they're better than those who are not at the top and have been rewarded for their superiority, and thus from their perspective it would almost be immoral to "reward" those below who aren't as "good".

waonderer 1y ago
Relationships are of various kinds that extend in various dimensions. What the Author has talked about definitely sounds more like a "work-friend" relationship, but is not entirely separate from a "friend-friend" that you define. > It’s deeply believing that a rising tide lifts all boats. This is true, but with context. "Growth" and "Comfort" are two different elements of a good friendship. We can replace "rising" with "happy", and the same quote works for comfort. Are both necessary? Depends on how you define "friendship". If comfort is the only thing, you dog can be a comfortable companion. But for a human friendship to last longer, both must enjoy each other company for longer time horizon, and that needs growth in both. This growth needs not be only in career, but mental too. With such growth, envy can't come in and corrode the bond.

photochemsyn 1y ago

The most dishonest fraudulent academic researcher I even encountered made a point of encouraging collegiality, but eventually I realized this was part of his scheme for not being exposed as a fraud. Everyone in his department knew he was fudging his data, but nobody called him on it because he was such a nice guy to everyone else. This is how you end up with systematic institutional corruption in academic departments along with a lot of non-reproducible garbage science. Thus a better strategy is to support people who do good work, regardless of whether they're your 'friends' or not.

NickC25 1y ago
He could have been a fraud or not, but you might have been missing his point. Perhaps his point was that he just genuinely liked to be a decent human being instead of rolling into work each day with an attitude of "I'm better than all of you peons, fuck you and your families, may (deity of your choice) condemn you all to death and perpetual hellfire" I've been in a position where I shouldn't have been before. I too was kind to everyone. Whether or not I was good at my job or role has no effect on basic human decency, or holding the door, saying good morning, or not cutting someone off deliberately in the company parking lot. There's two kinds of respect - earned, and given. People seem to not understand that, and see no reason why they shouldn't slam the door in the person behind them's face. You can be kind to everyone, it doesn't cost you anything. Give people props when they deserve it, but don't smash the homeless dude on the street's face when you walk by him - he's human too. You should support those who do good work, and call out those who don't. But you don't have to be an asshole to them, either.

bastawhiz 1y ago

One of the best things I've ever done for my own career is being mindful of celebrating the wins of my coworkers. Call out a good refactor that would have gone unnoticed. Email someone's manager or skip level in the lead up to performance reviews and tell them how they made things better. Publicly thank the person that took notes or groomed the backlog or had a noisy on-call rotation. Everybody appreciates getting celebrated. Managers love hearing that their reports are being appreciated. Leadership loves to hear about wins that are normally invisible to them. You're directly benefiting the people around you, and it reflects well on you as someone who cares, pays attention, has empathy, and has a focus on career growth. Maybe it's just because it's normally a behavior associated with senior ICs, but people hear this stuff and start to look to you as an authority and example.

floriferous 1y ago

The blinking thing after the author's name in the sidebar is terribly distracting, why make it impossible to scroll past it, or just not have this infinitely running animation? Great article otherwise.

rsanek 1y ago
Agree, I blocked it with uBlock

Electricniko 1y ago

I saw the link and was kinda hoping his name was Joseph T Hacker.

epolanski 1y ago

I have two points I want to make: 1) friends definition is vague and often based on language. In Italian or English friend is a word that could include for a single person dozens of people, in many Slavic countries you only use that word for your very best closest friends (the one you can count on one hand). 2) being a humble rooter at work has done better for me and many I know than being the star player. I'm the same person, I just give to others credit and never brag about anything. People notice, people like you, people want you around in projects, end up rooting for your advancements too.

Perenti 1y ago

Given what the verb "root" means here in Oz, this seems extremely friendly, although possibly unhygenic.

sans_souse 1y ago

Am I the only one who read the title and the source and thought this was about rooting devices? +1 tho, we could use some more positivity all around. Root for your friends, family, your peers. Hell root for anyone that you have respect for. That's how you live. That's the real W.

llimos 1y ago

Interesting that there's no word in English for this. There is one in Yiddish: fargin

tmnvix 1y ago

"Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little." - Gore Vidal

thewileyone 1y ago

I've trimmed those in my life that don't root for me, doesn't matter loudly or quietly. I've deepened relationships that I've had for 10, 20, 30 years by rooting for them, loyally and unabashedly. I've foster new friendships by rooting for them, deservedly or undeservedly. I've realized that it makes my life more fulfilling and it's given me a solid reputation as a side benefit.