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I like to think I've been reasonably successful at becoming the person I used to want to be That's a very good feeling. Of course not everything in life has pl

I like to think I've been reasonably successful at becoming the person I used to want to be That's a very good feeling. Of course not everything in life has played out exactly how I wanted, and there are always regrets about paths not taken But ultimately I had an idea what I wanted from life and I mostly have it now I had to make compromises on a lot of things, but it was worth it to get this far I don't live in the city that I wanted to settle down in, but I own my own house where I live now I had to leave family and friends behind in my hometown, but I have met new people and I have a new family where I live now I don't work in my dream job, but I have built a solid career I think the past me would be really happy to know what the future held for me, even if it did mean I am not that same person anymore Edit: This is maybe a bit off topic but I think the recent cultural focus on "identity" (as in, "who am I") has been kind of negative for people What worked really well for me was not getting wrapped up in "who am I" and instead focusing on "who do I want to be" I've seen many friends and acquaintances fall off and become miserable because they got mired in their identity (both sexual and otherwise). Meanwhile I am one of the most successful people I know of from the people I grew up with. Actually, I'm one of the most successful people in my entire country (top 3% based on income, anyways) Maybe it's a privilege to not have to worry about "who am I", but I really do think "who do I want to be" is just a much better approach. It's something you can actually take action to achieve

ljlolel 2y ago
Not to criticize you but just in general: does it make sense to live up to a desire dreamed up by a 4-year-old. Is it more pure? Or just naive? Why is it any better than something that an adult or present you wants? In what ways can it be worse to be dictated by a child?
- galleywest200 2y ago
  Yes. I just wanted to be a scientist when I was four years old. Real life happened and graduate school has not managed to come around yet, but it is not too late for me to go back (only 33 years old). But being a DevOps engineer is far better than some of the alternatives that could have been me. One day I will finally get to that childhood dream.
- bluefirebrand 2y ago
  When I was four years old I wanted to be a Ninja Turtle when I grew up, so I may not be the best "former four year old" to ask. Disclaimer: I didn't grow up to be a Ninja Turtle. I didn't even become a Ninja, or a Turtle. Absolute failure to live up to my four year old dreams But when I was a bit older I knew "I want to do something with computers", because my family had a windows 3.1 computer and I liked to play games on it. Of course at the time I had no idea what anyone even did with computers. I also had no idea that in the future every single job that exists would be "something to do with computers" I started taking computer classes in high school which got me into programming, because I wanted to make games. This is a pretty common pipeline for Millennial programmers I think After that I went to a local university and took Computer Science. Luckily I was just dumb enough to stick with it the whole time and get a bachelors. I say dumb enough somewhat ironically. Obviously doing a BSc in Compsci takes a bit of smarts, but I had friends who became convinced they were too smart to bother with a degree, and all of them who dropped out to pursue their own path without the degree are much worse off than I am now Anyways, after my degree I no longer wanted to work in games. I wanted to work in embedded systems. Turns out there weren't many opportunities to work in embedded systems in my local market so I got into web dev. Like I said, not my dream job, but I'm very good at it and it has been a really successful career. So I guess to summarize: Yes I was pretty lucky to somewhat choose a direction when I was young, even if I didn't know more than "work with computers". However the dream path still wasn't exactly a straightforward arrow from Ninja Turtle to Web Dev. At every single step it felt like I was compromising on my dreams. Turns out that compromise can be really good though
  - staplers 2y ago
    I didn't grow up to be a Ninja Turtle Have you ever eaten new york style pizza in a subway wearing cool colored clothes? You might be closer than you think..
    - bluefirebrand 2y ago
      Unfortunately no Although I may have to make a point of this sometime now, just for kicks
  - 2y ago
- kkoncevicius 2y ago
  In a way this is a tension between an individual and society. Children dream of big impossible things, while archetypical grown-ups just want a paycheck and a house, with a few weeks of vacation. The extent to which we abandon childhood dreams is an indicator of how much we were crushed by society (or "real world"). Carl Jung investigated this with his "puer-aeternus" (the child that was promised) and "senex" (old man) archetypes. A really interesting read, if you have time for that. In essence I think he advocated a balance, where one starts at childhood, becomes a cynical grown-up and then re-integrates his childhood fantasies back into his character, but now in a less naive and wiser way.
  - jhanschoo 2y ago
    > Children dream of big impossible things That's cultural bias right there. It happens only if you tell them to dream impossible big things. If you don't teach children that astronauts exist, they will likely dream to become their teacher or the janitor at school, especially the friendly, nice ones.
    - kkoncevicius 2y ago
      I won't do a better job defending Jung's ideas than the man himself in his works, but just as a friendly reply: yes, but according to Jungs theories - these are archetypes - meaning all people have a combination of one _and_ the other. There might be people who refuse to grow up and stay in a kind of perpetual childhood with a failure-to-launch and never finishing their own projects (a good book about that is "The problem of puer aeternus"), and there are also children that grow up too quickly and start being cynical and sarcastic with a know-it-all attitude, and belief that nothing is worth doing and the world is going to shit. The actual human beings are a combination of those archetypes. So an astronaut is a cultural input, in the same way that saying that you have two hands is a cultural input, but what is different is the inner attitude - do you see a lot of potential to the point that you cannot make a decision between several choices, or do you see barriers and feel a loss of meaning. Again, a healthy combination is "best".
- bdangubic 2y ago
  part of being is evolving... some (if not all) of the things you wanted as a child are largely influenced by your parents/surroundings/... as you move through life and make your own path I would think that I would want my path to be carved by my own experiences/desires/... and my eventual person that I am (which is ever-changing) be made of clay that is molded vs. built by bricks when I was a child
- yonaguska 2y ago
  4 year old me couldn't wait to grow up so that I could have a red sports bike and a hot girlfriend. I now have red sport-touring bike and a beautiful wife so, mission accomplished?
  - Viliam1234 2y ago
    Depends, do you also have the hot girlfriend?
  - layer8 2y ago
    Four-year old you wanted a hot girlfriend?
asacrowflies 2y ago
Indeed it is extreme privilege and lack of adversity that would allow "who do I want to be" to be the dominant driver of personality. Most people have to amputate parts of themselves and go actively against their identity everyday to make modern ends meet. This is the basis of "Dysphoria" and cognitive dissonance when talking about the focus on identity
- bluefirebrand 2y ago
  Adversity is what drove me, not what held me back I was bullied relentlessly in elementary school, I got into fistfights constantly My family didn't have a ton of money, we were very blue collar. My dad worked his way up to manager at a tool store. I am not some guy who went to an ivy league. I took student loans just to attend a local community college because I could not afford to relocate to a good university even though I had the grades. I just didn't have scholarship tier grades. I wasn't getting a free ride anywhere I had some privileges, for sure. Having a loving family that supported me is a big one. Having the intelligence and just enough work ethic to be successful in school. But man, I worked evenings in fast food jobs during high school to afford a car because my family absolutely could not afford to buy me even a clunker Edit: And I needed this car desperately, because there was no nearby transit I could use to eventually get to college, nevermind getting to other, slightly better part time jobs Like there's privilege, I acknowledge but maybe dial it back from "extreme privilege"?
  - asacrowflies 2y ago
    You are the one who said top 3% earner. I didn't mean it disparaging, but you were coming across as a bit "let them eat cake" most people concerned with identity because it's an everyday struggle to make identity fit reality and most people have way too much to lose to risk rocking the boat . So you die a thousand little deaths everyday so you can no eat and pay bills then have a rich guy online post your comment lol . Not to minimize but most of your adversity is "normal" almost everyone has had these struggles and they are also easily paved over with money. Also telling how it is all past tense. you described a normal "middle class " childhood through the economic collapse of the 2000s.
jajko 2y ago
Interesting contrast with me - I never bothered with such questions, absolutely nobody from my peers did when growing up well into 20s. Eastern Europe raised way more normalized individuals (for their own purposes) than free world did who were not supposed to ask such questions (nobody stopped you from doing so, but you had to come with it on your own as inspiration was scarce). Never projected any solid path, took every day as it went and just (rather well) recognized those crucial moments in life where choices are made that massively affect rest of the life. What to study, how hard to study, where to move (or not) after university, partners, if and which job to change, if and where to move further etc. But it was always just focus on now and maybe next step at most. Anyway the path I ended up taking I wouldn't make up even in my wildest dreams. Surpassed expectations massively of all folks that knew me, be it peers or family. And overall it wasn't hard at all for me, but for others who would like to jump to last (most successful) moves it would be, since they didn't go through all those steps I did before. Moved between 3 countries within Europe (nobody from my peers did that, max 1 and settle - nothing special on its own, but I came from very settle-asap environment). Increased my salary of Java dev cca 30-40x compared to first full time job with cca same role, ending up in maybe top 0.1% within Europe (I know, not SV, but still), while still just 100% employed (actually 90% now with 50 paid vacation days, what a deal). Living in more beautiful place than I imagined existed, in society I am proud to be part of that never ceases to amaze me (Switzerland). Backpacked the world in remote 3rd countries when most folks I know went for sunbathing at nearest beach. Picked up passions that nobody I knew back home did like climbing, alpinism, diving, ski touring, paragliding and so on. Started very low, so far ended rather high. But it can all easily come crashing down like house of cards, well aware of that. Had a big paragliding accident last year, both legs broken, still some consequences. Good for yet another perspective alignment. Have properly wonderful small kids, thats main focus now. With kids, they take over life so effectively I don't have time nor even will for such questions. So focusing on now, and maybe next (small, not physical rather financial) move. Am I person I used to be? Hell no I am completely different person, from core up to the rest, better, more resilient and tolerant, vastly more knowledgeable about people and world, yet always learning (ie this site is amazing for that, there is no topic not worthy learning)
xandrius 2y ago
It does seem that who you wanted to be was just you plus a bunch of stuff. I guess most people think of who they want to become personality-wise but maybe it's just me.
- bluefirebrand 2y ago
  > It does seem that who you wanted to be was just you plus a bunch of stuff My knee jerk reaction to this was "how can anyone be anything but 'just who they are'". I think I get what you mean though. Many people dream much bigger than what they are actually capable of accomplishing. Maybe that was my real advantage. I've always been pretty grounded, and I've never really dreamed bigger than I could accomplish. It may be that by not dreaming big I'm not reaching the absolute fullest potential I could, but it also means I accomplish many of the things I set out to do which is also a good feeling I'm a firm believer in building strong foundations before reaching for the stars, and I guess my path somewhat embodies that > I guess most people think of who they want to become personality-wise but maybe it's just me Again I sort of think a lot of this boils down to people not having a good sense of their own capabilities. If your goals and your capabilities aren't aligned, you're very likely to crash out imo
  - throwanem 2y ago
    Oh, I've crashed out a couple of times. Enough to learn any verbal answer I give to the question "who are you?" is a lie, and that the same goes for everyone else in the world, too. If I read you correctly (from your workmanlike if somewhat stilted English) as German, I grossed last year a bit over 2x, just in cash comp, than that "top 3%" you're bragging about. I kept a hell of a lot more of it, too. That's because my tax regime advantages winners and yours advantages losers. That's okay; losers need to live, and I don't take what would be the significant deductions on my charitable donations in any case, just my first time homebuyer's and honest credits like that. Then I quit that job in November, because life's too short and what the hell could I still have to prove? I'll probably start looking late Q2, or maybe Q1 '26, who knows. I'll need to do something to support the tertiary education I intend finally here in my mid-forties to go back and get, after all. You obviously think a great deal of yourself. That's fine. You should learn to keep a handle on it, though. You can open your mouth so wide you get your feet stuck in it, that way.
ziofill 2y ago
Good for you
staplers 2y ago
not have to worry about "who am I", but I really do think "who do I want to be" is just a much better approach “Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. But the more you analyze the shadow, the darker it becomes.” -Jung
90s_dev 2y ago
> cultural focus on "identity" (as in, "who am I") has been kind of negative for people > many become miserable because they got mired in their identity sexual and otherwise I think one factor is that we're always looking for a balance between doing what we want and doing what's right. When they're not the same in someone's conscience, they look for external approval that what they want isn't wrong or bad or harmful, so they can keep doing it. Especially sexually. There's also virtue signalling as a way to get social credit, which is also usually geared towards getting something that you want, but with it either being not justified or not earned.

ljlolel 2y ago

Not to criticize you but just in general: does it make sense to live up to a desire dreamed up by a 4-year-old. Is it more pure? Or just naive? Why is it any better than something that an adult or present you wants? In what ways can it be worse to be dictated by a child?

galleywest200 2y ago
Yes. I just wanted to be a scientist when I was four years old. Real life happened and graduate school has not managed to come around yet, but it is not too late for me to go back (only 33 years old). But being a DevOps engineer is far better than some of the alternatives that could have been me. One day I will finally get to that childhood dream.
bluefirebrand 2y ago
When I was four years old I wanted to be a Ninja Turtle when I grew up, so I may not be the best "former four year old" to ask. Disclaimer: I didn't grow up to be a Ninja Turtle. I didn't even become a Ninja, or a Turtle. Absolute failure to live up to my four year old dreams But when I was a bit older I knew "I want to do something with computers", because my family had a windows 3.1 computer and I liked to play games on it. Of course at the time I had no idea what anyone even did with computers. I also had no idea that in the future every single job that exists would be "something to do with computers" I started taking computer classes in high school which got me into programming, because I wanted to make games. This is a pretty common pipeline for Millennial programmers I think After that I went to a local university and took Computer Science. Luckily I was just dumb enough to stick with it the whole time and get a bachelors. I say dumb enough somewhat ironically. Obviously doing a BSc in Compsci takes a bit of smarts, but I had friends who became convinced they were too smart to bother with a degree, and all of them who dropped out to pursue their own path without the degree are much worse off than I am now Anyways, after my degree I no longer wanted to work in games. I wanted to work in embedded systems. Turns out there weren't many opportunities to work in embedded systems in my local market so I got into web dev. Like I said, not my dream job, but I'm very good at it and it has been a really successful career. So I guess to summarize: Yes I was pretty lucky to somewhat choose a direction when I was young, even if I didn't know more than "work with computers". However the dream path still wasn't exactly a straightforward arrow from Ninja Turtle to Web Dev. At every single step it felt like I was compromising on my dreams. Turns out that compromise can be really good though
- staplers 2y ago
  I didn't grow up to be a Ninja Turtle Have you ever eaten new york style pizza in a subway wearing cool colored clothes? You might be closer than you think..
  - bluefirebrand 2y ago
    Unfortunately no Although I may have to make a point of this sometime now, just for kicks
- 2y ago
kkoncevicius 2y ago
In a way this is a tension between an individual and society. Children dream of big impossible things, while archetypical grown-ups just want a paycheck and a house, with a few weeks of vacation. The extent to which we abandon childhood dreams is an indicator of how much we were crushed by society (or "real world"). Carl Jung investigated this with his "puer-aeternus" (the child that was promised) and "senex" (old man) archetypes. A really interesting read, if you have time for that. In essence I think he advocated a balance, where one starts at childhood, becomes a cynical grown-up and then re-integrates his childhood fantasies back into his character, but now in a less naive and wiser way.
- jhanschoo 2y ago
  > Children dream of big impossible things That's cultural bias right there. It happens only if you tell them to dream impossible big things. If you don't teach children that astronauts exist, they will likely dream to become their teacher or the janitor at school, especially the friendly, nice ones.
  - kkoncevicius 2y ago
    I won't do a better job defending Jung's ideas than the man himself in his works, but just as a friendly reply: yes, but according to Jungs theories - these are archetypes - meaning all people have a combination of one _and_ the other. There might be people who refuse to grow up and stay in a kind of perpetual childhood with a failure-to-launch and never finishing their own projects (a good book about that is "The problem of puer aeternus"), and there are also children that grow up too quickly and start being cynical and sarcastic with a know-it-all attitude, and belief that nothing is worth doing and the world is going to shit. The actual human beings are a combination of those archetypes. So an astronaut is a cultural input, in the same way that saying that you have two hands is a cultural input, but what is different is the inner attitude - do you see a lot of potential to the point that you cannot make a decision between several choices, or do you see barriers and feel a loss of meaning. Again, a healthy combination is "best".
bdangubic 2y ago
part of being is evolving... some (if not all) of the things you wanted as a child are largely influenced by your parents/surroundings/... as you move through life and make your own path I would think that I would want my path to be carved by my own experiences/desires/... and my eventual person that I am (which is ever-changing) be made of clay that is molded vs. built by bricks when I was a child
yonaguska 2y ago
4 year old me couldn't wait to grow up so that I could have a red sports bike and a hot girlfriend. I now have red sport-touring bike and a beautiful wife so, mission accomplished?
- Viliam1234 2y ago
  Depends, do you also have the hot girlfriend?
- layer8 2y ago
  Four-year old you wanted a hot girlfriend?

asacrowflies 2y ago

Indeed it is extreme privilege and lack of adversity that would allow "who do I want to be" to be the dominant driver of personality. Most people have to amputate parts of themselves and go actively against their identity everyday to make modern ends meet. This is the basis of "Dysphoria" and cognitive dissonance when talking about the focus on identity

bluefirebrand 2y ago
Adversity is what drove me, not what held me back I was bullied relentlessly in elementary school, I got into fistfights constantly My family didn't have a ton of money, we were very blue collar. My dad worked his way up to manager at a tool store. I am not some guy who went to an ivy league. I took student loans just to attend a local community college because I could not afford to relocate to a good university even though I had the grades. I just didn't have scholarship tier grades. I wasn't getting a free ride anywhere I had some privileges, for sure. Having a loving family that supported me is a big one. Having the intelligence and just enough work ethic to be successful in school. But man, I worked evenings in fast food jobs during high school to afford a car because my family absolutely could not afford to buy me even a clunker Edit: And I needed this car desperately, because there was no nearby transit I could use to eventually get to college, nevermind getting to other, slightly better part time jobs Like there's privilege, I acknowledge but maybe dial it back from "extreme privilege"?
- asacrowflies 2y ago
  You are the one who said top 3% earner. I didn't mean it disparaging, but you were coming across as a bit "let them eat cake" most people concerned with identity because it's an everyday struggle to make identity fit reality and most people have way too much to lose to risk rocking the boat . So you die a thousand little deaths everyday so you can no eat and pay bills then have a rich guy online post your comment lol . Not to minimize but most of your adversity is "normal" almost everyone has had these struggles and they are also easily paved over with money. Also telling how it is all past tense. you described a normal "middle class " childhood through the economic collapse of the 2000s.

jajko 2y ago

Interesting contrast with me - I never bothered with such questions, absolutely nobody from my peers did when growing up well into 20s. Eastern Europe raised way more normalized individuals (for their own purposes) than free world did who were not supposed to ask such questions (nobody stopped you from doing so, but you had to come with it on your own as inspiration was scarce). Never projected any solid path, took every day as it went and just (rather well) recognized those crucial moments in life where choices are made that massively affect rest of the life. What to study, how hard to study, where to move (or not) after university, partners, if and which job to change, if and where to move further etc. But it was always just focus on now and maybe next step at most. Anyway the path I ended up taking I wouldn't make up even in my wildest dreams. Surpassed expectations massively of all folks that knew me, be it peers or family. And overall it wasn't hard at all for me, but for others who would like to jump to last (most successful) moves it would be, since they didn't go through all those steps I did before. Moved between 3 countries within Europe (nobody from my peers did that, max 1 and settle - nothing special on its own, but I came from very settle-asap environment). Increased my salary of Java dev cca 30-40x compared to first full time job with cca same role, ending up in maybe top 0.1% within Europe (I know, not SV, but still), while still just 100% employed (actually 90% now with 50 paid vacation days, what a deal). Living in more beautiful place than I imagined existed, in society I am proud to be part of that never ceases to amaze me (Switzerland). Backpacked the world in remote 3rd countries when most folks I know went for sunbathing at nearest beach. Picked up passions that nobody I knew back home did like climbing, alpinism, diving, ski touring, paragliding and so on. Started very low, so far ended rather high. But it can all easily come crashing down like house of cards, well aware of that. Had a big paragliding accident last year, both legs broken, still some consequences. Good for yet another perspective alignment. Have properly wonderful small kids, thats main focus now. With kids, they take over life so effectively I don't have time nor even will for such questions. So focusing on now, and maybe next (small, not physical rather financial) move. Am I person I used to be? Hell no I am completely different person, from core up to the rest, better, more resilient and tolerant, vastly more knowledgeable about people and world, yet always learning (ie this site is amazing for that, there is no topic not worthy learning)

xandrius 2y ago

It does seem that who you wanted to be was just you plus a bunch of stuff. I guess most people think of who they want to become personality-wise but maybe it's just me.

bluefirebrand 2y ago
> It does seem that who you wanted to be was just you plus a bunch of stuff My knee jerk reaction to this was "how can anyone be anything but 'just who they are'". I think I get what you mean though. Many people dream much bigger than what they are actually capable of accomplishing. Maybe that was my real advantage. I've always been pretty grounded, and I've never really dreamed bigger than I could accomplish. It may be that by not dreaming big I'm not reaching the absolute fullest potential I could, but it also means I accomplish many of the things I set out to do which is also a good feeling I'm a firm believer in building strong foundations before reaching for the stars, and I guess my path somewhat embodies that > I guess most people think of who they want to become personality-wise but maybe it's just me Again I sort of think a lot of this boils down to people not having a good sense of their own capabilities. If your goals and your capabilities aren't aligned, you're very likely to crash out imo
- throwanem 2y ago
  Oh, I've crashed out a couple of times. Enough to learn any verbal answer I give to the question "who are you?" is a lie, and that the same goes for everyone else in the world, too. If I read you correctly (from your workmanlike if somewhat stilted English) as German, I grossed last year a bit over 2x, just in cash comp, than that "top 3%" you're bragging about. I kept a hell of a lot more of it, too. That's because my tax regime advantages winners and yours advantages losers. That's okay; losers need to live, and I don't take what would be the significant deductions on my charitable donations in any case, just my first time homebuyer's and honest credits like that. Then I quit that job in November, because life's too short and what the hell could I still have to prove? I'll probably start looking late Q2, or maybe Q1 '26, who knows. I'll need to do something to support the tertiary education I intend finally here in my mid-forties to go back and get, after all. You obviously think a great deal of yourself. That's fine. You should learn to keep a handle on it, though. You can open your mouth so wide you get your feet stuck in it, that way.

ziofill 2y ago

Good for you

staplers 2y ago

not have to worry about "who am I", but I really do think "who do I want to be" is just a much better approach “Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. But the more you analyze the shadow, the darker it becomes.” -Jung

90s_dev 2y ago

> cultural focus on "identity" (as in, "who am I") has been kind of negative for people > many become miserable because they got mired in their identity sexual and otherwise I think one factor is that we're always looking for a balance between doing what we want and doing what's right. When they're not the same in someone's conscience, they look for external approval that what they want isn't wrong or bad or harmful, so they can keep doing it. Especially sexually. There's also virtue signalling as a way to get social credit, which is also usually geared towards getting something that you want, but with it either being not justified or not earned.