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"The years that pass eat up your margin for error until there is no margin left. The mistakes you make are no longer flaws of inexperience, they are flaws of ch

"The years that pass eat up your margin for error until there is no margin left. The mistakes you make are no longer flaws of inexperience, they are flaws of character. To be young is to be constantly on the precipice of perfection – just a little further and you’ll get there – but you never get there, and suddenly you’re old, and find yourself in a permanent state of imperfection, which you must reckon with." What a powerful observation.

encoderer 2y ago
Counterpoint: I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.
- PaulDavisThe1st 2y ago
  I am also the master of my fate. That doesn't help one bit in trying to figure out where it lies.
  - encoderer 2y ago
    I can’t imagine feeling like I need to “reckon with my own imperfection”. Always keep climbing.
joshuamcginnis 2y ago
It's powerful if you agree with that perspective, but I don't. We are all imperfect by nature. Said another way, we are all sinners. I don't believe that time shrinks your margin for error, as much as it grows your capacity to learn. I don't think mistakes are always character flaws. Youth chases a fading ideal of perfection but age reveals a richer self-awareness. Life's worth lies not in perfection, but in acceptance, gratitude and love.
- tgv 2y ago
  And one man's vice is another man's virtue. Just look at international politics.
- otreblatercero 2y ago
  You must be younger than 45, not to be patronizing but, otherwise, you'd get it.
  - dangus 2y ago
    Sorry, not everyone over 45 is painfully self-critical. Example: the fact that I don’t have the DNA to be an NBA player is not a flaw of character. The fact that I don’t have an eye for painting or the brain for quantum physics isn’t a flaw of character. This article basically encourages us to punish ourselves for happily existing.
    - otreblatercero 2y ago
      Not being self-critical does not mean things don't happen. Suppose you love drinking, for example. At 20 it will be just a hangover, but at 40 it could even kill you. If at 40 you get drunk knowing you no longer process alcohol like you used to, that's a flaw of character. It doesn't have anything to do with DNA(supposing you're not an alcoholic). Mistakes have much more weight the older one gets. It's a fact, not a way of seeing things.
      - dangus 2y ago
        I would say that the ability to recognize a past mistake and avoid it is completely detached from age. The drinking analogy is not a great one because that’s an obviously detrimental activity. A lot of activities are positive. E.g., trying to publish a book when you’re 65 after failing when you were 25 is not a character flaw.
    - stickfigure 2y ago
      I'm with you about being an NBA player but I suspect most people, if they devoted themselves to it, could learn to paint competently or understand quantum physics at a phd level. It would "just" take years of study and practice. We only live so long so we have to pick and choose. Especially as the years remaining clock down.
- mattgreenrocks 2y ago
  I'm starting to understand aging as more a process of becoming who we are meant to be instead of a loss of potentiality. It is a profoundly counter-cultural idea. I have all-too-brief moments where I experience a visceral sense of literally meeting myself, and the joy therein. I believe that is the work I am to do at the moment, and those small epiphanies are the guideposts.
  - UncleOxidant 2y ago
    > I have all-too-brief moments where I experience a visceral sense of literally meeting myself, and the joy therein. or the moments where I experience a visceral sense of literally meeting myself and feeling aversion because I realize I'm not the person I thought I was and I need to do and be better.
  - allturtles 2y ago
    > I'm starting to understand aging as more a process of becoming who we are meant to be instead of a loss of potentiality. That may be true up to a point. Once you start getting dementia or slip on ice and break your hip, maybe it won't feel like that so much any more.
- alabastervlog 2y ago
  I don’t read the piece as trying to convince anyone that the perspective presented in it is correct or true, and am kind of surprised that multiple posters here read it that way.
- deleted 2y ago
  [deleted]
cj 2y ago
It's an overly harsh characterization of youth - as is much of the article. No need to say you have a character flaw just because you're 30 years old and didn't publish a book in your 20's. But I agree with the gist. When you're young, you don't know what you don't know, and usually you have much less to lose by taking risks. As you get older, risks become more costly. Maybe one way to think about youth in a way that's not self-defeating could be to sit down and think about what youth means to you in the next 1-3 years, and make sure the definition is within reach. The worst thing you can do if you're feeling old is to lean into the feeling. But it's hard not to, because media, TV, etc tries to define youth for the whole of society when really it should be individualized and defined in a way that motivates the person to keep on feeling youthful as far into old age as possible.
ronbenton 2y ago
>To be young is to be constantly on the precipice of perfection – just a little further and you’ll get there This is an attitude that needs to be excised. Perfection-seeking is a curse.
- kevinsync 2y ago
  Perfection-seeking as an activity is fine (and to be lauded!), but perfection-seeking as an identity needs to be excised. Endless effort spent to realize excellence in this world is a beautiful thing, but it truly is a curse to become so self-critical, so self-loathing that if you haven't achieved it yet means (to you) that you are a failure. You've only ever failed when you quit trying, otherwise you're simply on the journey of discovery, trial, tribulation and hopefully, eventually, triumph. And don't forget, success is inextricably linked to a moment in time; it will fade, and you will remain, so hopefully a person has been kind enough to and accepting enough of themselves that when the accolades become meaningless, the person left behind is whole, happy and content. There's always another challenge on the horizon, always more perfection to be sought.
- robocat 2y ago
  Seeking improvement is a good thing. Is the definition of seeking perfection different? Maybe these words are poor for the distinction between direction and target. CertainlyI wouldn't want to be an unhappy perfectionist. But slowly perfecting/improving something is a happy thing. That said, I struggle with the internal dialogue of some people that are never happy with what they do.
dangus 2y ago
Meh, I just find it to be unnecessarily punishing and bleak. It’s just written to make us sad for no reason. I think the article is just existing to be negative and inject punishing thoughts about age, to make sure we all have these anxieties even if we don’t have them naturally. The funny part about the young author example, how older authors are not exciting to discover? Yeah the richest and most successful author of all time was discovered when she was 32. J.R.R. Tolkien published The Hobbit at age 45. Little House on the Prairie? Published when Laura Ingalls Wilder was 65. I just don’t understand the point of this article other than to transmit bad vibes.
- alabastervlog 2y ago
  I don’t know how people aren’t reading an implied critique in this piece. Is it a kind of writing that many HNers are unfamiliar with, or something?
  - card_zero 2y ago
    Or isn't there one really? For instance: > 45-year-olds aren’t discovered, they’re uncovered, like toxic waste, or a political scandal, or the murderer at the end of an Agatha Christie book. My god, that 45-year-old was lurking among us this entire time! One way to read that is as criticism of people who think that way. It certainly seems like a complaint: the author is complaining this attitude is unfair. But whose attitude is it? Is this really the prevailing way of thinking about 45-year-olds? Or is the author just pushing paranoia to the readers?
    - dangus 2y ago
      I think you captured exactly my distaste for this article. I understand it’s about coming to terms with these feelings and uses these specific examples. But the examples used in the article seem unrealistic to begin with, as if the article insists that a plurality of people feel this way about youth and aging. I just don’t think that’s really the case.
      - 2y ago
jayd16 2y ago
Look at it the other way. You're old as soon as you see imperfections as permanent and decide to be stuck in your ways. You can always grow if you care to do so. It's true you can't be a _young_ genius forever but the rest of its not so bleak.
- mattgreenrocks 2y ago
  This is wisdom. Pursuing one's own individual path confers a perspective shift that counters some of the cynicism that seems to come with old age.
- stvltvs 2y ago
  There might be aspects of ourselves that cannot be changed even if we desire to change them. I am a firm believer in the growth mindset, but as I get older, I see there might be limits to it because of time, energy, money, etc. constraints.
- testfoobar 2y ago
  Yes and no. There are encumbrances and liabilities that emerge that cannot be removed. Diseases, children, aging parents, accidents are all things that happen and can sometimes eat up all available resources.
  - inanutshellus 2y ago
    I don't see this as a contradiction to the parent. Those things you listed to prove your point can all happen to any of us at age 12, and all of the rest save child-bearing can happen at any age. All of them are external things that change our situation, sure, but your choice to be "old" or not based on them is still a choice, which was the parent's point.
  - Arisaka1 2y ago
    All more probable to happen over time, but not less probable to happen due to youth.
- munificent 2y ago
cnity 2y ago
Something that strikes me about the tone of both the article and comments here is how hard on ourselves we can be. The folks here are of a particular variety too -- pulled in by grand stories of "achievement". The imperfection and the manner in which we reckon with it can be incredibly beautiful. Indeed it is probably the only thing we have, and the only thing we can really use to truly connect with others. It's all really beautiful if you let it be. On the other side, it can be torturous if you don't.
- 2-3-7-43-1807 2y ago
  accept, let go and surrender.
- FredPret 2y ago
  It's tough to be wired as an optimizer
  - pants2 2y ago
    I'm really hard on myself even for small things like missing a turn that takes me 5 minutes out of the way. Or making a minor mistake in my morning breakfast routine that I've been optimizing for 3 years. It's just how I'm wired.
    - ge96 2y ago
      For me work stuff bothers me like making a mistake/looking dumb. But also when other people make mistakes I don't judge them that harshly/don't obsess over it as opposed to myself.
      - deleted 2y ago
        [deleted]
    - abakker 2y ago
      I think the antidote is to intentionally avoid routines to optimize. Cultivating an objective of variety helps break out of the mundanity-loop. (caveat: everything in moderation, including moderation)
tromp 2y ago
By an author who will forever be Young (Jared Young that is).
hattmall 2y ago
The Michael Scott quote really sums it up for me pretty well: "I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close. And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40. But by 40, I had less money than when I was 30."
chasd00 2y ago
I think as you get older (i'm 48) the consequences of bad decisions become more and more damaging. Just thinking about careers, a major change in career at 27 isn't as consequential as a career change at 50 because you have time to try again. Make a career change mistake at 50 and there isn't much time to right the ship and get back to at least where you were. My wife and I were talking about making considerable life changes (career and living) in about 6 years as both my boys will be through HS then and out of the house. So these changes, whatever shape they take, will happen in my mid-50s. That's 10 years from my planned retirement (I'm in the US). Any mistake made in those decisions has dire consequences to the rest of my life (and my wife's life for that matter). As for dealing with imperfections, I've told my therapist "i am who i'm going to be. If that's not good enough for you or society then you all are just going to have to deal with it."
- whiplash451 2y ago
  I see things differently. As you get older, the opportunity cost of not taking risks increases significantly, pushing you to take more (calculated) risks. And it turns out that you get better at calculating these risks, so...
supriyo-biswas 2y ago
The prevalence of such statements almost makes me want to believe there's a small cottage industry of sorts that wants to make people feel bad about themselves especially wrt aging. However, with self-reflection, people can always fix themselves, even when they're at an advanced age. Most recently, a significant life event happened, that drew my attention to a pattern of mistakes I've been making for the past couple of years. I've made it a point to reflect upon each incident and take copious notes of what I could have done differently in those situations; and hopefully I'll do better for the next event. While I'm currently at an age where I'd neither be considered "young" nor "old", I don't think any of this can't be applied to someone who'd be 10 or 20 years older than me, for example.
- fluoridation 2y ago
  But we must also contend with the fact that most people -- ourselves included -- won't fix most of their flaws. Besides, your anecdote does not even further your point. You're talking about having the intention to try to improve yourself. That says nothing about whether you'll actually follow through, let alone succeed.
  - supriyo-biswas 2y ago
    I feel this way of viewing the world is assuming that there is no room for personal growth -- a fixed mindset so to speak. And there's no guarantee that any of us can change anything, we can only try our best.
  - purple-leafy 2y ago
    But who says they are flaws? I only believe in fixing self-accepted flaws. Eg if someone can’t handle alcohol -> don’t drink Fat? Eat less and exercise ADHD? Get medicated and embrace the condition and understand it I think you can pick and choose to work on your flaws. I certainly am after a life event, but sometimes it requires an external strong force to make you realise you want to change for the better
- nemomarx 2y ago
  It is kinda marketing staple to make people feel bad about themselves or exaggerate problems so they desire your solution. You see it everywhere in different forms.
falcrist 2y ago
It reads a bit like a verse from the song Time by Pink Floyd, which perfectly encapsulates the sense of existential dread that so many of us feel more and more often as we get older.
whiplash451 2y ago
That's a fairly narrow and pessimistic view of people's character and evolution over time. Some people are wired differently and take calculated risks their whole life. Read the life of Louis Pasteur if you need an example.
bongoman42 2y ago
“Ten years later, as a postdoctoral researcher at Oxford in 1976, I experienced a minor epiphany about ambition’s degradation. At age 16 or 17, I had wanted to be another Einstein; at 21, I would have been happy to be another Feynman; at 24, a future T. D. Lee would have sufficed. By 1976, sharing an office with other postdoctoral researchers at Oxford, I realized that I had reached the point where I merely envied the postdoc in the office next door because he had been invited to give a seminar in France. In much the same way, by a process options theorists call time decay, financial stock options lose their potential as they approach their own expiration.”, Emanuel Derman, My life as a Quant
getnormality 2y ago
I think something in this ballpark has been a driving force behind some mood issues that have been with me for the last 5 months or so, that have just recently been improving. Realistically, though, I've experienced falling short of all sorts of internal and external expectations for many years now, so I don't know what's special about this time.
wcfrobert 2y ago
While I absolutely loved the writing, I want to challenge that last part and the dichotomy created. Perfection is an ideal. You can strive towards it at 25 or 45. It's too deterministic to say as soon as you're in your forties, it's game over. Permanent imperfection. Pure facticity. No transcendence. "[to be human] is to be constantly on the precipice of perfection – just a little further and you’ll get there – but you never get there."
idontwantthis 2y ago
I’m not old yet, but this sounds really lame. You’re never too old to stop being a piece of shit, it just takes more effort.
svat 2y ago
Related, written as humour but exemplifies this effectively: “I Thought I Would Have Accomplished a Lot More Today and Also by the Time I Was Thirty-Five” (by Alex Baia): https://web.archive.org/web/20200826002046/https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/i-thought-i-would-have-accomplished-a-lot-more-today-and-also-by-the-time-i-was-thirty-five https://web.archive.org/web/20200826002046/https://www.newyo...
Nition 2y ago
That reminds me of a specific line from A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula Le Guin. > The truth is that as a man's real power grows and his knowledge widens, ever the way he can follow grows narrower: until at last he chooses nothing but does only and wholly what he must do.
getnormality 2y ago
I've often heard that this is a reason we sometimes don't want to try hard things. We don't want to try our best and find out that we can't do it because our best is not good enough. We prefer the ego-sustaining state of ambiguity and unexplored possibility.
tijl 2y ago
This reminds me of a Dutch song that was fairly popular in the '90s (loosely translated): And a child prodigy at forty, That is a sorry case. Who could have been so much, yet Will never leave a trace. (The song is based on the life of the poet Halbo C. Kool. Dutch lyrics here: https://genius.com/Boudewijn-de-groot-een-wonderkind-van-50-lyrics https://genius.com/Boudewijn-de-groot-een-wonderkind-van-50-... )
K0balt 2y ago
The thirst for perfection is replaced by the satiation of shame. I take great pride and pleasure in being embarrassed in my work of years past, as it means that I am growing, still on the path that leads to only itself. Understanding that the path of refinement and growth does not lead, even eventually, to perfection frees a person to do better, to be better, fearlessly. Perfection is a cardinal direction. It is not a destination.

encoderer 2y ago

Counterpoint: I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.

PaulDavisThe1st 2y ago
I am also the master of my fate. That doesn't help one bit in trying to figure out where it lies.
- encoderer 2y ago
  I can’t imagine feeling like I need to “reckon with my own imperfection”. Always keep climbing.

joshuamcginnis 2y ago

It's powerful if you agree with that perspective, but I don't. We are all imperfect by nature. Said another way, we are all sinners. I don't believe that time shrinks your margin for error, as much as it grows your capacity to learn. I don't think mistakes are always character flaws. Youth chases a fading ideal of perfection but age reveals a richer self-awareness. Life's worth lies not in perfection, but in acceptance, gratitude and love.

tgv 2y ago
And one man's vice is another man's virtue. Just look at international politics.
otreblatercero 2y ago
You must be younger than 45, not to be patronizing but, otherwise, you'd get it.
- dangus 2y ago
  Sorry, not everyone over 45 is painfully self-critical. Example: the fact that I don’t have the DNA to be an NBA player is not a flaw of character. The fact that I don’t have an eye for painting or the brain for quantum physics isn’t a flaw of character. This article basically encourages us to punish ourselves for happily existing.
  - otreblatercero 2y ago
    Not being self-critical does not mean things don't happen. Suppose you love drinking, for example. At 20 it will be just a hangover, but at 40 it could even kill you. If at 40 you get drunk knowing you no longer process alcohol like you used to, that's a flaw of character. It doesn't have anything to do with DNA(supposing you're not an alcoholic). Mistakes have much more weight the older one gets. It's a fact, not a way of seeing things.
    - dangus 2y ago
      I would say that the ability to recognize a past mistake and avoid it is completely detached from age. The drinking analogy is not a great one because that’s an obviously detrimental activity. A lot of activities are positive. E.g., trying to publish a book when you’re 65 after failing when you were 25 is not a character flaw.
  - stickfigure 2y ago
    I'm with you about being an NBA player but I suspect most people, if they devoted themselves to it, could learn to paint competently or understand quantum physics at a phd level. It would "just" take years of study and practice. We only live so long so we have to pick and choose. Especially as the years remaining clock down.
mattgreenrocks 2y ago
I'm starting to understand aging as more a process of becoming who we are meant to be instead of a loss of potentiality. It is a profoundly counter-cultural idea. I have all-too-brief moments where I experience a visceral sense of literally meeting myself, and the joy therein. I believe that is the work I am to do at the moment, and those small epiphanies are the guideposts.
- UncleOxidant 2y ago
  > I have all-too-brief moments where I experience a visceral sense of literally meeting myself, and the joy therein. or the moments where I experience a visceral sense of literally meeting myself and feeling aversion because I realize I'm not the person I thought I was and I need to do and be better.
- allturtles 2y ago
  > I'm starting to understand aging as more a process of becoming who we are meant to be instead of a loss of potentiality. That may be true up to a point. Once you start getting dementia or slip on ice and break your hip, maybe it won't feel like that so much any more.
alabastervlog 2y ago
I don’t read the piece as trying to convince anyone that the perspective presented in it is correct or true, and am kind of surprised that multiple posters here read it that way.
deleted 2y ago
[deleted]

cj 2y ago

It's an overly harsh characterization of youth - as is much of the article. No need to say you have a character flaw just because you're 30 years old and didn't publish a book in your 20's. But I agree with the gist. When you're young, you don't know what you don't know, and usually you have much less to lose by taking risks. As you get older, risks become more costly. Maybe one way to think about youth in a way that's not self-defeating could be to sit down and think about what youth means to you in the next 1-3 years, and make sure the definition is within reach. The worst thing you can do if you're feeling old is to lean into the feeling. But it's hard not to, because media, TV, etc tries to define youth for the whole of society when really it should be individualized and defined in a way that motivates the person to keep on feeling youthful as far into old age as possible.

ronbenton 2y ago

>To be young is to be constantly on the precipice of perfection – just a little further and you’ll get there This is an attitude that needs to be excised. Perfection-seeking is a curse.

kevinsync 2y ago
Perfection-seeking as an activity is fine (and to be lauded!), but perfection-seeking as an identity needs to be excised. Endless effort spent to realize excellence in this world is a beautiful thing, but it truly is a curse to become so self-critical, so self-loathing that if you haven't achieved it yet means (to you) that you are a failure. You've only ever failed when you quit trying, otherwise you're simply on the journey of discovery, trial, tribulation and hopefully, eventually, triumph. And don't forget, success is inextricably linked to a moment in time; it will fade, and you will remain, so hopefully a person has been kind enough to and accepting enough of themselves that when the accolades become meaningless, the person left behind is whole, happy and content. There's always another challenge on the horizon, always more perfection to be sought.
robocat 2y ago
Seeking improvement is a good thing. Is the definition of seeking perfection different? Maybe these words are poor for the distinction between direction and target. CertainlyI wouldn't want to be an unhappy perfectionist. But slowly perfecting/improving something is a happy thing. That said, I struggle with the internal dialogue of some people that are never happy with what they do.

dangus 2y ago

Meh, I just find it to be unnecessarily punishing and bleak. It’s just written to make us sad for no reason. I think the article is just existing to be negative and inject punishing thoughts about age, to make sure we all have these anxieties even if we don’t have them naturally. The funny part about the young author example, how older authors are not exciting to discover? Yeah the richest and most successful author of all time was discovered when she was 32. J.R.R. Tolkien published The Hobbit at age 45. Little House on the Prairie? Published when Laura Ingalls Wilder was 65. I just don’t understand the point of this article other than to transmit bad vibes.

alabastervlog 2y ago
I don’t know how people aren’t reading an implied critique in this piece. Is it a kind of writing that many HNers are unfamiliar with, or something?
- card_zero 2y ago
  Or isn't there one really? For instance: > 45-year-olds aren’t discovered, they’re uncovered, like toxic waste, or a political scandal, or the murderer at the end of an Agatha Christie book. My god, that 45-year-old was lurking among us this entire time! One way to read that is as criticism of people who think that way. It certainly seems like a complaint: the author is complaining this attitude is unfair. But whose attitude is it? Is this really the prevailing way of thinking about 45-year-olds? Or is the author just pushing paranoia to the readers?
  - dangus 2y ago
    I think you captured exactly my distaste for this article. I understand it’s about coming to terms with these feelings and uses these specific examples. But the examples used in the article seem unrealistic to begin with, as if the article insists that a plurality of people feel this way about youth and aging. I just don’t think that’s really the case.
    - 2y ago

jayd16 2y ago

Look at it the other way. You're old as soon as you see imperfections as permanent and decide to be stuck in your ways. You can always grow if you care to do so. It's true you can't be a _young_ genius forever but the rest of its not so bleak.

mattgreenrocks 2y ago
This is wisdom. Pursuing one's own individual path confers a perspective shift that counters some of the cynicism that seems to come with old age.
stvltvs 2y ago
There might be aspects of ourselves that cannot be changed even if we desire to change them. I am a firm believer in the growth mindset, but as I get older, I see there might be limits to it because of time, energy, money, etc. constraints.
testfoobar 2y ago
Yes and no. There are encumbrances and liabilities that emerge that cannot be removed. Diseases, children, aging parents, accidents are all things that happen and can sometimes eat up all available resources.
- inanutshellus 2y ago
  I don't see this as a contradiction to the parent. Those things you listed to prove your point can all happen to any of us at age 12, and all of the rest save child-bearing can happen at any age. All of them are external things that change our situation, sure, but your choice to be "old" or not based on them is still a choice, which was the parent's point.
- Arisaka1 2y ago
  All more probable to happen over time, but not less probable to happen due to youth.
munificent 2y ago

cnity 2y ago

Something that strikes me about the tone of both the article and comments here is how hard on ourselves we can be. The folks here are of a particular variety too -- pulled in by grand stories of "achievement". The imperfection and the manner in which we reckon with it can be incredibly beautiful. Indeed it is probably the only thing we have, and the only thing we can really use to truly connect with others. It's all really beautiful if you let it be. On the other side, it can be torturous if you don't.

2-3-7-43-1807 2y ago
accept, let go and surrender.
FredPret 2y ago
It's tough to be wired as an optimizer
- pants2 2y ago
  I'm really hard on myself even for small things like missing a turn that takes me 5 minutes out of the way. Or making a minor mistake in my morning breakfast routine that I've been optimizing for 3 years. It's just how I'm wired.
  - ge96 2y ago
    For me work stuff bothers me like making a mistake/looking dumb. But also when other people make mistakes I don't judge them that harshly/don't obsess over it as opposed to myself.
    - deleted 2y ago
      [deleted]
  - abakker 2y ago
    I think the antidote is to intentionally avoid routines to optimize. Cultivating an objective of variety helps break out of the mundanity-loop. (caveat: everything in moderation, including moderation)

tromp 2y ago

By an author who will forever be Young (Jared Young that is).

hattmall 2y ago

The Michael Scott quote really sums it up for me pretty well: "I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close. And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40. But by 40, I had less money than when I was 30."

chasd00 2y ago

I think as you get older (i'm 48) the consequences of bad decisions become more and more damaging. Just thinking about careers, a major change in career at 27 isn't as consequential as a career change at 50 because you have time to try again. Make a career change mistake at 50 and there isn't much time to right the ship and get back to at least where you were. My wife and I were talking about making considerable life changes (career and living) in about 6 years as both my boys will be through HS then and out of the house. So these changes, whatever shape they take, will happen in my mid-50s. That's 10 years from my planned retirement (I'm in the US). Any mistake made in those decisions has dire consequences to the rest of my life (and my wife's life for that matter). As for dealing with imperfections, I've told my therapist "i am who i'm going to be. If that's not good enough for you or society then you all are just going to have to deal with it."

whiplash451 2y ago
I see things differently. As you get older, the opportunity cost of not taking risks increases significantly, pushing you to take more (calculated) risks. And it turns out that you get better at calculating these risks, so...

supriyo-biswas 2y ago

The prevalence of such statements almost makes me want to believe there's a small cottage industry of sorts that wants to make people feel bad about themselves especially wrt aging. However, with self-reflection, people can always fix themselves, even when they're at an advanced age. Most recently, a significant life event happened, that drew my attention to a pattern of mistakes I've been making for the past couple of years. I've made it a point to reflect upon each incident and take copious notes of what I could have done differently in those situations; and hopefully I'll do better for the next event. While I'm currently at an age where I'd neither be considered "young" nor "old", I don't think any of this can't be applied to someone who'd be 10 or 20 years older than me, for example.

fluoridation 2y ago
But we must also contend with the fact that most people -- ourselves included -- won't fix most of their flaws. Besides, your anecdote does not even further your point. You're talking about having the intention to try to improve yourself. That says nothing about whether you'll actually follow through, let alone succeed.
- supriyo-biswas 2y ago
  I feel this way of viewing the world is assuming that there is no room for personal growth -- a fixed mindset so to speak. And there's no guarantee that any of us can change anything, we can only try our best.
- purple-leafy 2y ago
  But who says they are flaws? I only believe in fixing self-accepted flaws. Eg if someone can’t handle alcohol -> don’t drink Fat? Eat less and exercise ADHD? Get medicated and embrace the condition and understand it I think you can pick and choose to work on your flaws. I certainly am after a life event, but sometimes it requires an external strong force to make you realise you want to change for the better
nemomarx 2y ago
It is kinda marketing staple to make people feel bad about themselves or exaggerate problems so they desire your solution. You see it everywhere in different forms.

falcrist 2y ago

It reads a bit like a verse from the song Time by Pink Floyd, which perfectly encapsulates the sense of existential dread that so many of us feel more and more often as we get older.

whiplash451 2y ago

That's a fairly narrow and pessimistic view of people's character and evolution over time. Some people are wired differently and take calculated risks their whole life. Read the life of Louis Pasteur if you need an example.

bongoman42 2y ago

“Ten years later, as a postdoctoral researcher at Oxford in 1976, I experienced a minor epiphany about ambition’s degradation. At age 16 or 17, I had wanted to be another Einstein; at 21, I would have been happy to be another Feynman; at 24, a future T. D. Lee would have sufficed. By 1976, sharing an office with other postdoctoral researchers at Oxford, I realized that I had reached the point where I merely envied the postdoc in the office next door because he had been invited to give a seminar in France. In much the same way, by a process options theorists call time decay, financial stock options lose their potential as they approach their own expiration.”, Emanuel Derman, My life as a Quant

getnormality 2y ago

I think something in this ballpark has been a driving force behind some mood issues that have been with me for the last 5 months or so, that have just recently been improving. Realistically, though, I've experienced falling short of all sorts of internal and external expectations for many years now, so I don't know what's special about this time.

wcfrobert 2y ago

While I absolutely loved the writing, I want to challenge that last part and the dichotomy created. Perfection is an ideal. You can strive towards it at 25 or 45. It's too deterministic to say as soon as you're in your forties, it's game over. Permanent imperfection. Pure facticity. No transcendence. "[to be human] is to be constantly on the precipice of perfection – just a little further and you’ll get there – but you never get there."

idontwantthis 2y ago

I’m not old yet, but this sounds really lame. You’re never too old to stop being a piece of shit, it just takes more effort.

svat 2y ago

Related, written as humour but exemplifies this effectively: “I Thought I Would Have Accomplished a Lot More Today and Also by the Time I Was Thirty-Five” (by Alex Baia): https://web.archive.org/web/20200826002046/https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/i-thought-i-would-have-accomplished-a-lot-more-today-and-also-by-the-time-i-was-thirty-five https://web.archive.org/web/20200826002046/https://www.newyo...

Nition 2y ago

That reminds me of a specific line from A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula Le Guin. > The truth is that as a man's real power grows and his knowledge widens, ever the way he can follow grows narrower: until at last he chooses nothing but does only and wholly what he must do.

getnormality 2y ago

I've often heard that this is a reason we sometimes don't want to try hard things. We don't want to try our best and find out that we can't do it because our best is not good enough. We prefer the ego-sustaining state of ambiguity and unexplored possibility.

tijl 2y ago

This reminds me of a Dutch song that was fairly popular in the '90s (loosely translated): And a child prodigy at forty, That is a sorry case. Who could have been so much, yet Will never leave a trace. (The song is based on the life of the poet Halbo C. Kool. Dutch lyrics here: https://genius.com/Boudewijn-de-groot-een-wonderkind-van-50-lyrics https://genius.com/Boudewijn-de-groot-een-wonderkind-van-50-... )

K0balt 2y ago

The thirst for perfection is replaced by the satiation of shame. I take great pride and pleasure in being embarrassed in my work of years past, as it means that I am growing, still on the path that leads to only itself. Understanding that the path of refinement and growth does not lead, even eventually, to perfection frees a person to do better, to be better, fearlessly. Perfection is a cardinal direction. It is not a destination.