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Reading this, I couldn't help but think that I am the failed version of this guy. My life mirrors his, except mine is shittier in every way. I did not go to any

Reading this, I couldn't help but think that I am the failed version of this guy. My life mirrors his, except mine is shittier in every way. I did not go to any fancy universities. My math career went nowhere. My deep learning career isn't going anywhere, probably. My h-index isn't even a quarter of his. My only gf left me after a week. My childhood was riddled with family illness. My mother died too soon. And I even look like an uglier version of him. And I have been managing depression since 16 (I'm in my early 30s). But, I have always questioned whether I really have depression or whether I am justifiably upset at how shit my life is. I cannot imagine being him and being depressed. But I understand that some people have everything, except happiness and peace of mind. It's so confusing. Thankfully, I don't mess with drugs.

tossandthrow 2y ago
From time to time I think most, ambitious, people fall into this trap. The issue is that these are positional goods. Per definition there can only be a single person who is the top contributor of a field of research. Every time I fall into this trap I separate out what is positional goods and what is valuables to me. And then I very deliberately convince myself that it is not worth it to chase positional goods for the sake of doing so. Said in other words: Do research because you like it, not because of the acknowledgement that follows on. (As a side effect many will find that they indeed do not care doo much about research)
- etrautmann 2y ago
  Well put. Chasing positional goods seems inherently vacuous and lacking in satisfaction. It surprises me that anyone thinks that recognition alone is enough to sustain interest in an academic or research career (or other areas like acting). Looking at who succeeds it seems to be people for whom the recognition is an afterthought.
  - mattgreenrocks 2y ago
    Research is also very taxing on the mind. I'm not sure I could do it for a whole career, as enjoyable as it has been.
sph 2y ago
Dude; how can you say you are a failure in your early 30s? You have just finished being a kid and learned to navigate the adult work. You still haven't done anything worthwhile, and you're about to start. You have just finished the tutorial to life, and now are facing the question of now what? Sincerely, a late 30s guy that has been through a massive burnout, mid life crisis and journey to discover myself in the past 5 years. Millions of people have been through the same in the whole of history. Many have left notes about their experience for posterity. Time to hit the library, my friend. (The things that have helped the most have been, in no order: talk therapy, solitude, the Tao Te Ching, Alan Watts, Camus, Nietzsche, and many more, rediscovering my long lost teenage dreams, understanding that nature is a crucial part to mental sanity and restoration) Take care, and good luck.
- throwaway8309 2y ago
  Yeah, but Alexander the Great conquered the world by the age of 18 or whatever, and look how he turned out. Am I a better man than him?
  - Gud 2y ago
    Alexander the Great inherited most of his success from his father. Although a competent and ambitious commander, he would have been a nobody if his daddy hadn’t been Mr. big shot.
    - s1artibartfast 2y ago
      Just another reason to consider oneself damaged goods, no big shot daddy and not being born a king.
      - Gud 2y ago
        lol. There are plenty of cases of people who rose through the ranks to become powerful beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. Adolf Hitler, maybe the most famous example.
throwaway8309 2y ago
Me too... Maybe that's why his note resonates with so many people
gizajob 2y ago
You’re alive. Just getting through the day should be counted as a great success for pretty well everyone.
Grimblewald 2y ago
depression isn't about quality of life, the disease depression not the effect depression anyway. Depression as a response to environment doesn't respond super well to medication either. Depression the disease process that triggers depressive pathways without the environmental triggers is a different animal entirely.
ck2 2y ago
Depression is a very real, very serious thing of course BUT feeling like a failure is 100% incorrect thinking because you are basically using the ridiculous weight of others to judge yourself Society is weird-AF, do not subject yourself to others judgment, ever Way easier said than done but "don't do that" If you haven't hurt anyone you've never done anything wrong. It is amazing how things change as we get older, perspective is EVERYTHING
unyttigfjelltol 2y ago
What you also have is a poignient self-awareness. You've struggled, in both the sense of having challenges and in working against them. I'm certain someone important has defined a meaningful life in that way. The linked note conveyed a world view that felt transactional, low in dimensionality, self-focused. Which isn't to criticize so much as empathize. I understand your comment, but perhaps you have it better than you realize.
ipython 2y ago
I’m sorry you feel the way you do. Reading through your post, it is deeply rooted in your view of yourself. When I turn too far inward I can relate. It’s hard because your writing indicates you like to think and analyze, and you have embraced the “warm blanket” of self loathing since it is very comfortable for you. I hope you don’t find what I'm about to say glib. I don’t mean it that way. I truly believe that you can find meaning through shifting your focus from inside to outside yourself. I say this only because this has benefits to me. I realize that may not mean it works for you, but I hope it will. Try giving freely of your talents to others. You mention your math career. Try finding people who struggle with math and tutor them. For free. Start slow & easy, and focus on their growth not yourself. I also encourage you to unplug and find ways to reconnect with nature. Walks where you do nothing but notice the colors of the flower petals, or the rippling of the water. No distractions. Just practicing on focusing outward with no expectations. I hope you can find some meaning in this crazy life. Sometimes I resort to a pascal style wager - this is by definition my only shot at life, so why not try and see what happens?
- randomopining 2y ago
  You're on point. Really if you look at all the religions and creeds that have stood the test of time, they all kind of shift focus away from satisfying your ego so much. It's so easy for the mind to rationalize this or that as a failure, given enough time to neurotically brood. Even if you're actually in a very good spot in life.
  - JumpinJack_Cash 2y ago
    > > Really if you look at all the religions and creeds that have stood the test of time, they all kind of shift focus away from satisfying your ego so much For the modern day atheist person the formula for happiness could also be 1) Ignore risks 2) Ignore complexity 3) Ignore higher levels in all domains, pretty much disregard classifications better/worse of sorts.

tossandthrow 2y ago

From time to time I think most, ambitious, people fall into this trap. The issue is that these are positional goods. Per definition there can only be a single person who is the top contributor of a field of research. Every time I fall into this trap I separate out what is positional goods and what is valuables to me. And then I very deliberately convince myself that it is not worth it to chase positional goods for the sake of doing so. Said in other words: Do research because you like it, not because of the acknowledgement that follows on. (As a side effect many will find that they indeed do not care doo much about research)

etrautmann 2y ago
Well put. Chasing positional goods seems inherently vacuous and lacking in satisfaction. It surprises me that anyone thinks that recognition alone is enough to sustain interest in an academic or research career (or other areas like acting). Looking at who succeeds it seems to be people for whom the recognition is an afterthought.
- mattgreenrocks 2y ago
  Research is also very taxing on the mind. I'm not sure I could do it for a whole career, as enjoyable as it has been.

sph 2y ago

Dude; how can you say you are a failure in your early 30s? You have just finished being a kid and learned to navigate the adult work. You still haven't done anything worthwhile, and you're about to start. You have just finished the tutorial to life, and now are facing the question of now what? Sincerely, a late 30s guy that has been through a massive burnout, mid life crisis and journey to discover myself in the past 5 years. Millions of people have been through the same in the whole of history. Many have left notes about their experience for posterity. Time to hit the library, my friend. (The things that have helped the most have been, in no order: talk therapy, solitude, the Tao Te Ching, Alan Watts, Camus, Nietzsche, and many more, rediscovering my long lost teenage dreams, understanding that nature is a crucial part to mental sanity and restoration) Take care, and good luck.

throwaway8309 2y ago
Yeah, but Alexander the Great conquered the world by the age of 18 or whatever, and look how he turned out. Am I a better man than him?
- Gud 2y ago
  Alexander the Great inherited most of his success from his father. Although a competent and ambitious commander, he would have been a nobody if his daddy hadn’t been Mr. big shot.
  - s1artibartfast 2y ago
    Just another reason to consider oneself damaged goods, no big shot daddy and not being born a king.
    - Gud 2y ago
      lol. There are plenty of cases of people who rose through the ranks to become powerful beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. Adolf Hitler, maybe the most famous example.

throwaway8309 2y ago

Me too... Maybe that's why his note resonates with so many people

gizajob 2y ago

You’re alive. Just getting through the day should be counted as a great success for pretty well everyone.

Grimblewald 2y ago

depression isn't about quality of life, the disease depression not the effect depression anyway. Depression as a response to environment doesn't respond super well to medication either. Depression the disease process that triggers depressive pathways without the environmental triggers is a different animal entirely.

ck2 2y ago

Depression is a very real, very serious thing of course BUT feeling like a failure is 100% incorrect thinking because you are basically using the ridiculous weight of others to judge yourself Society is weird-AF, do not subject yourself to others judgment, ever Way easier said than done but "don't do that" If you haven't hurt anyone you've never done anything wrong. It is amazing how things change as we get older, perspective is EVERYTHING

unyttigfjelltol 2y ago

What you also have is a poignient self-awareness. You've struggled, in both the sense of having challenges and in working against them. I'm certain someone important has defined a meaningful life in that way. The linked note conveyed a world view that felt transactional, low in dimensionality, self-focused. Which isn't to criticize so much as empathize. I understand your comment, but perhaps you have it better than you realize.

ipython 2y ago

I’m sorry you feel the way you do. Reading through your post, it is deeply rooted in your view of yourself. When I turn too far inward I can relate. It’s hard because your writing indicates you like to think and analyze, and you have embraced the “warm blanket” of self loathing since it is very comfortable for you. I hope you don’t find what I'm about to say glib. I don’t mean it that way. I truly believe that you can find meaning through shifting your focus from inside to outside yourself. I say this only because this has benefits to me. I realize that may not mean it works for you, but I hope it will. Try giving freely of your talents to others. You mention your math career. Try finding people who struggle with math and tutor them. For free. Start slow & easy, and focus on their growth not yourself. I also encourage you to unplug and find ways to reconnect with nature. Walks where you do nothing but notice the colors of the flower petals, or the rippling of the water. No distractions. Just practicing on focusing outward with no expectations. I hope you can find some meaning in this crazy life. Sometimes I resort to a pascal style wager - this is by definition my only shot at life, so why not try and see what happens?

randomopining 2y ago
You're on point. Really if you look at all the religions and creeds that have stood the test of time, they all kind of shift focus away from satisfying your ego so much. It's so easy for the mind to rationalize this or that as a failure, given enough time to neurotically brood. Even if you're actually in a very good spot in life.
- JumpinJack_Cash 2y ago
  > > Really if you look at all the religions and creeds that have stood the test of time, they all kind of shift focus away from satisfying your ego so much For the modern day atheist person the formula for happiness could also be 1) Ignore risks 2) Ignore complexity 3) Ignore higher levels in all domains, pretty much disregard classifications better/worse of sorts.