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I've never understood it when I meet men who only have male friends. I understand people are the product of their environments, how they grow up, etc. - but so

by zxexz 2y ago

I've never understood it when I meet men who only have male friends. I understand people are the product of their environments, how they grow up, etc. - but so many of the comments sibling to this one just confuse the hell out of me. Many of my closest friends are also male (I'd say it's close to 50-50...), and none of them have feelings, either. Do these commenters also think gay men have solely female friends, and that non-binary people all live in remote caves, isolated from each other the same as with cisgendered folk?

Micanthus 2y ago
I think there are two things that lead people to think like that 1) Modesty/nudity-taboo culture. I can only speak to the US-American perspective here, but I'd guess it's similar in any culture where nudity is taboo. Because you're taught to keep your body covered (and women's bodies moreso than men's) and that you shouldn't--a "should" imbued with moral weight here--see the naked bodies of others unless it's a locker room or you're about to have sex. This creates a kind of mystique around bodies, especially of another gender. With same gender friends, you probably see their bodies occassionally in locker rooms, or just changing casually, maybe skinny dipping, etc... which removes much of the mystique. But in these cultures it's unusual to see a different gender friend nude, so there is some mystery. If there is any sexual attraction that adds to the mystery and creates "tension". In cultures with less modesty or less taboo around nudity, you just see your friends of any gender naked and there is no mystery, and no tension around bodies. 2) Abstinence-only sex education & the sanctity of sex. In cultures where sex is seen as sacred, something you should only do with one person and for procreation, there is also an extent to which sexual attraction itself is shamed. I find that a lot of straight people (especially those without queer friends) feel ashamed if they find their friends attractive, and are unable to continue a platonic friendship if they feel any attraction at all. This is not at all how queer friend groups operate, it's expected you might be attracted to your friends but that doesn't mean you need to have sex or have "tension". The idea that you can be attracted to someone and just not make a problem out of it is very controversial in straight culture sometimes People who believe men and women can't be friends are also in general only thinking about straight cis people. This idea is just absent from queer culture, and also (anecdotally) from straight cis people with many queer friends
- 1992spacemovie 2y ago
  [dead]
- spacemadness 2y ago
  This is it right here. Bodies are innately sexual always and sexuality is sacred/naughty/bad/too intense to ignore/whatever. Sex may be used to sell us things, but it doesn’t mean we aren’t a repressed society. Hence why having any relationship with a woman is stated as a problem why others are completely confused who didn’t grow up with this repressed idea of sexuality.
- akomtu 2y ago
  People in general rightfully believe that sexual passion is a powerful force that can be creative or destructive. Just like electricity it must be approached with caution. Queer or whatever culture works because a few bare wires won't start a fire so long as all other wires are isolated, but if the rest of society adopts this mindset, a major fire will be a matter of time.
  - spacemadness 2y ago
    Citation needed. And hopefully it’s not a religious text because it certainly sounds like it is.
johnnyanmac 2y ago
> I've never understood it when I meet men who only have male friends. to be fair, I barely have male friends. The extra friction with a hetero woman basically makes it impossible for that to happen organically like it could 10-20 years prior. It's just hard to "stick" with people as you leave the college days. And be it due to bad luck or personal looks or personality or whatnot, I haven't had many people try to keep the connection. I've been trying to do some small chat with meetup aquaintances online and sometimes it just feels like I'm throwing in more job applications with the respose rate I get. It takes two to tango. >Do these commenters also think gay men have solely female friends, and that non-binary people all live in remote caves, isolated from each other the same as with cisgendered folk? Not particularly. I know there's a lot of special interests groups focused around LGBT communities, so that lived identity is a strong bonding point. Not so much for a hetero male like myself (the "default"). That's also why dating apps for homosexual people tend to have much higher success rates.
- chaosist 2y ago
  [dead]

by zxexz 2y ago

Micanthus 2y ago

I think there are two things that lead people to think like that 1) Modesty/nudity-taboo culture. I can only speak to the US-American perspective here, but I'd guess it's similar in any culture where nudity is taboo. Because you're taught to keep your body covered (and women's bodies moreso than men's) and that you shouldn't--a "should" imbued with moral weight here--see the naked bodies of others unless it's a locker room or you're about to have sex. This creates a kind of mystique around bodies, especially of another gender. With same gender friends, you probably see their bodies occassionally in locker rooms, or just changing casually, maybe skinny dipping, etc... which removes much of the mystique. But in these cultures it's unusual to see a different gender friend nude, so there is some mystery. If there is any sexual attraction that adds to the mystery and creates "tension". In cultures with less modesty or less taboo around nudity, you just see your friends of any gender naked and there is no mystery, and no tension around bodies. 2) Abstinence-only sex education & the sanctity of sex. In cultures where sex is seen as sacred, something you should only do with one person and for procreation, there is also an extent to which sexual attraction itself is shamed. I find that a lot of straight people (especially those without queer friends) feel ashamed if they find their friends attractive, and are unable to continue a platonic friendship if they feel any attraction at all. This is not at all how queer friend groups operate, it's expected you might be attracted to your friends but that doesn't mean you need to have sex or have "tension". The idea that you can be attracted to someone and just not make a problem out of it is very controversial in straight culture sometimes People who believe men and women can't be friends are also in general only thinking about straight cis people. This idea is just absent from queer culture, and also (anecdotally) from straight cis people with many queer friends

1992spacemovie 2y ago
[dead]
spacemadness 2y ago
This is it right here. Bodies are innately sexual always and sexuality is sacred/naughty/bad/too intense to ignore/whatever. Sex may be used to sell us things, but it doesn’t mean we aren’t a repressed society. Hence why having any relationship with a woman is stated as a problem why others are completely confused who didn’t grow up with this repressed idea of sexuality.
akomtu 2y ago
People in general rightfully believe that sexual passion is a powerful force that can be creative or destructive. Just like electricity it must be approached with caution. Queer or whatever culture works because a few bare wires won't start a fire so long as all other wires are isolated, but if the rest of society adopts this mindset, a major fire will be a matter of time.
- spacemadness 2y ago
  Citation needed. And hopefully it’s not a religious text because it certainly sounds like it is.

johnnyanmac 2y ago

> I've never understood it when I meet men who only have male friends. to be fair, I barely have male friends. The extra friction with a hetero woman basically makes it impossible for that to happen organically like it could 10-20 years prior. It's just hard to "stick" with people as you leave the college days. And be it due to bad luck or personal looks or personality or whatnot, I haven't had many people try to keep the connection. I've been trying to do some small chat with meetup aquaintances online and sometimes it just feels like I'm throwing in more job applications with the respose rate I get. It takes two to tango. >Do these commenters also think gay men have solely female friends, and that non-binary people all live in remote caves, isolated from each other the same as with cisgendered folk? Not particularly. I know there's a lot of special interests groups focused around LGBT communities, so that lived identity is a strong bonding point. Not so much for a hetero male like myself (the "default"). That's also why dating apps for homosexual people tend to have much higher success rates.

chaosist 2y ago
[dead]