5 ms·

I used to cycle alone which I love. I joined a cycling club to make friends but after a year or two gave up. I found that you would not see everyone every week

by pmg101 2y ago

I used to cycle alone which I love. I joined a cycling club to make friends but after a year or two gave up. I found that you would not see everyone every week. So you would have the same superficial conversation time after time and not feel like a real connection was made. The group had a core group of genuine friends, but they maintained quite an in-group which was hard to break into as a dilettante - you'd have to commit to doing group activities multiple times every week. Also banter and stories seem to be how men bond which I find boring and difficult. Cycling clubs are mostly men but there were some women, but then do you seem like a creep if you try to inveigle yourself in with them? The best connections I made was with lesbians, who I could chat to most comfortably of all. But in the end we were unlikely to be friends off the bike because our lifestyles were so different. Like how many straight geeky single dads do lesbians want in their friendship group really :D

ralegh 2y ago
I'd try another group, they were probably a bad fit for you. It might seem like every group will be the same, but all it takes is to bump into one or two people you get on with and then you can organise things separately, avoiding the inner group toxicity.
thefaux 2y ago
Cycling disproportionally attracts men who are also technically minded. It gets people who tend to be in their heads into their bodies and also taps into a spirit of adventure. It can be very seductive to those who catch the bug, but it is also very insular. For me, the romance eventually faded after about a decade of serious riding and racing (I was a nationally competitive cat 1 road racer to give a sense of how in it I was). As I drifted away, I found that there was very little depth to almost all of the friendships I'd made through cycling. Only one friendship survived the long run and it was almost my entire social life for a decade. There is also the problem that it can very easily trigger unhealthy levels of competitiveness, either in distance or speed which can lead to awkward dynamics. As the saying goes, once you have two bikes together, you have a race. I had a friend who was a masters national champion who eventually became utterly intolerable because he had little to talk about besides his rides. Now I find meaning and friendship in spiritual and creative communities (I'm being vague because what works for me may not work for you). I'm grateful for the lessons I learned from cycling, but I haven't looked back since hanging up the cleats years ago. That all being said, for those who love it: keep loving it! Just sharing my experience.
- namaria 2y ago
  In my experience the thing men have a problem with is not having too technical hobbies or too much focus on task or whatever people say. We just never learn to be vulnerable and nice. Just by opening up and having real conversations and telling my friends I like them and I value them has been the real way to bond. Who knew, being open and honest works! It's not about what you do or who you do it with. It's about telling them they are important to you.
  - johnnyanmac 2y ago
    Not sure it is a problem per se (people bond in different ways), but yes. Often times when you invite male friends over you have an objective. Be it to watch the game, twiddle with a project, or just drink on the lawn absorbing sun. And people just have so little time. I pick solitary hobbies because I know we'll never get some team hobby done. So if suddenly we can't meet for a month+ I can at least finish that video game as opposed to something like a D&D campaign that will just fester. And yeah, that mentality is part of the problem. But I can't make people want to hang out. I've been regularly going to meetups now and it's about the same as pre-COVID, where instead of forming a deep bond with a few people, you get maybe 1-2 regulars and a revolving door of new people. People are just so flaky these days (I imagine many for good reason, but still).
- johnnyanmac 2y ago
  I feel like that's many male friendsships on or off a bike. Many are shallow and kind of bound to some sort of activity, especially physical ones. Could be societal since many male activities focus on the activity over the bonding (cliche joke: "Best friend of my life, we talked for 2 years. Never did learn his name").
  - jimmaswell 2y ago
    "I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes." - Ron Swanson
yieldcrv 2y ago
> but then do you seem like a creep if you try to inveigle yourself in with them? who cares, you would not see everyone every week a lot of guys have the same anxiety, sometimes leaving the field wide open
LaGrange 2y ago
[flagged]
- TomK32 2y ago
  I see, you get downvotes for remote psychoanalysis... Gender-disphoria is quite rare (I read it's about 0.5% of the population) compared to other likely syndroms like ADHD (about 5%) and more importantly it shows in early childhood for three fourths of the cases, unlike e.g. ADHD which can go undiagnosed for those without the hyperactive side.
  - LaGrange 2y ago
    [flagged]
    - nwiswell 2y ago
      I don't doubt you meant well, but that's a lot to infer from a couple of sentences. I think what the parent meant to imply is that this seems like the classic case of "when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."
      - LaGrange 2y ago
        [flagged]
  - drowsspa 2y ago
    It's even silly, like school-level silly. A man shows a little sensitivity and the response is "are you actually a woman"?
- throwanem 2y ago
  Don't go looking for eggs to crack. If you're wrong, it's foolish. If you're right, it's coercive. Either way, it's insulting. Trust people to figure themselves out in their own time. You did. I did. They will too, whether you like it or not. You can make that easier or harder. What you're doing here makes it harder. I wish you wouldn't.
irdc 2y ago
> Like how many straight geeky single dads do lesbians want in their friendship group really Really? If they have kids themselves connecting to someone in a similar situation who is otherwise not like them can be really refreshing.
- pmg101 2y ago
  A priori you might think so. I'm just reporting my experience. To be clear - if I see any of my clubmates out on the roads, which happens a lot, we'll often briefly chat! Acquaintances are nice to have too, for sure. But we aren't inviting each other to our barbeques.
fiftyacorn 2y ago
It depends on what sort of club or ride you end up in. If you end up in a competitive group/club then its harder to make friends as people are focused on racing or the sportives and just want to get the training done While if you choose to go the cafe ride groups then you'll have people just out for a ride and a chat.
TomK32 2y ago
If you already love cycling, why no do like I did and add running to your sport routine? I know, it's painful if you aren't used to it, but I found the local Parkrun community to be a bunch to connect with much easier even for someone neurodiverse like myself, grant you we are a very small one with only 30 runners on a rainy day.
- pmg101 2y ago
  Haha I did have this idea too. I even did a few park runs. It's also much easier to fit into a busy schedule - a satisfying ride of 100 km takes up a whole day! However it just didn't click. I can't explain it. Cycling is so enjoyable and feels wonderful. Including climbs. Running just feels slow and constant pounding. I wish I was a runner. I'm envious of you all. But I suppose I've spent 4 decades training my body to be a cycling not a running machine.
GeoAtreides 2y ago
>in the end we were unlikely to be friends off the bike because our lifestyles were so different. ?????????????? is a lesbians lifestyle SO different than a straight male that friendship is absolutely incompatible?!! if they live in the same city as you, chances are they have the same lifestyle like you. Unless they're part of the 1% (millionaires/billionaires, famous people, etc), there's nothing in their lifestyle that would stop a friendship from forming and continuing. More and more I see segregation growing in our society, like slowly moving cracks in a glass panel. As one's identity becomes narrower, more specific, so does the Other's definition expands and, ultimately, separates. I wish people would remember we're all, all, the same, running on the same hardware, feeling the same emotions, having the same reactions and instincts, even if our life experiences might be different. Really, there are no aliens on Earth, none; it's just Us here.
- gambiting 2y ago
  I don't read it as "their lifestyle was so different [because they were lesbians]" - it just sounds like it was different regardless of their sexuality. Like I'm very technically minded, but I have friends who are super into arts and spiritual stuff - I'd say our lifestyles are very different, but if I said "I have a pair of gay friends and our lifestyles are very different" you could get the wrong message and think I'm insinuating that it's because they are gay.
  - GeoAtreides 2y ago
    Yeah no, I read it exactly like you, nothing insinuating about anyone sexuality. It's not that group A lifestyle is very different than group B lifestyle, but that the differences are not enough to preclude friendship. Neither in OP's example, nor yours.
- seba_dos1 2y ago
  > if they live in the same city as you, chances are they have the same lifestyle like you. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proofs.
  - 2y ago
deleted 2y ago
[deleted]
_yb2s 2y ago
It seems to me like you are pre-disqualifying yourself from connecting with people. That sounds to me like a consequence of social anxiety. There is no reason you can’t be friends with women- both straight and lesbian, and it’s not creepy to be friendly. Even if you are romantically interested in them, that isn’t inherently creepy either. I’m an athlete and many of the women in my community are happily dating men they met at the gym that were just friendly and welcoming at first. I would recommend pushing yourself to connect with people, but take it slowly- tell yourself it is okay even if it feels awkward and do one small thing at a time, like smiling and saying hi. The best fix for social anxiety is positive social experiences. The natural way people connect with new people is through a trusted intermediate- someone who can introduce you, and whose mere presence vouches for you. “Cold approaches” feel a lot more scary and awkward, although they also build a lot of confidence.
- cdaringe 2y ago
  I was in a cycling club years ago too. I may have not seen everyone every week and may have not formed deep friendships, but make no mistake friends were made. The amount of shared experience between peer and “friend” can be negligibly small. I haven’t seen those guys in years but I know if I reached out thered be welcoming open arms. My experience is that if you want it to be more, you have to make it more. Friendship in adulthood must be worked/earned—it doesn’t just happen. Sux—I wish it came for free like it did in childhood. Anyway, i agree with unihacker. Dont give up man. You already know how to take the first step—you’ve demonstrated as much. Be confident taking the second!
jpm_sd 2y ago
I go for long solo bike rides pretty frequently, have done some group rides from time to time. I've met a few genuinely friendly people and a lot of passive-aggressive gear snobs.
RobRivera 2y ago
I went to a running club back in Boston years ago pretty consistently. Despite being a solid runner (the ingroup would pace 6min. Miles for a good five or so), post graduation and in the start of my career (they were the same), and looking to just meet new people and be friendly on a consistent basis, they wanted nothing to do with me. It was initially disappointing, but people are diverse so I didnt let it phase me. No real happy ending other than I got some solid pacing partners for an upcoming race. Its tough meeting new friends and it takes effort
freejazz 2y ago
>but then do you seem like a creep if you try to inveigle yourself in with them? Are you asking if you seem like a creep when you talk to women? I guess it depends on what you say. I lead group rides for a prominent cycling brand in a major US city for years and no one thought it was creepy to talk to anyone.
johnchristopher 2y ago
The trick or the thing to hobbies and friendship is to do something outside of the hobbies with the people you want to be friends Wythe, otherwise you end up hobby partners and that only lasts for as long as the common hobby lasts.

by pmg101 2y ago

ralegh 2y ago

I'd try another group, they were probably a bad fit for you. It might seem like every group will be the same, but all it takes is to bump into one or two people you get on with and then you can organise things separately, avoiding the inner group toxicity.

thefaux 2y ago

Cycling disproportionally attracts men who are also technically minded. It gets people who tend to be in their heads into their bodies and also taps into a spirit of adventure. It can be very seductive to those who catch the bug, but it is also very insular. For me, the romance eventually faded after about a decade of serious riding and racing (I was a nationally competitive cat 1 road racer to give a sense of how in it I was). As I drifted away, I found that there was very little depth to almost all of the friendships I'd made through cycling. Only one friendship survived the long run and it was almost my entire social life for a decade. There is also the problem that it can very easily trigger unhealthy levels of competitiveness, either in distance or speed which can lead to awkward dynamics. As the saying goes, once you have two bikes together, you have a race. I had a friend who was a masters national champion who eventually became utterly intolerable because he had little to talk about besides his rides. Now I find meaning and friendship in spiritual and creative communities (I'm being vague because what works for me may not work for you). I'm grateful for the lessons I learned from cycling, but I haven't looked back since hanging up the cleats years ago. That all being said, for those who love it: keep loving it! Just sharing my experience.

namaria 2y ago
In my experience the thing men have a problem with is not having too technical hobbies or too much focus on task or whatever people say. We just never learn to be vulnerable and nice. Just by opening up and having real conversations and telling my friends I like them and I value them has been the real way to bond. Who knew, being open and honest works! It's not about what you do or who you do it with. It's about telling them they are important to you.
- johnnyanmac 2y ago
  Not sure it is a problem per se (people bond in different ways), but yes. Often times when you invite male friends over you have an objective. Be it to watch the game, twiddle with a project, or just drink on the lawn absorbing sun. And people just have so little time. I pick solitary hobbies because I know we'll never get some team hobby done. So if suddenly we can't meet for a month+ I can at least finish that video game as opposed to something like a D&D campaign that will just fester. And yeah, that mentality is part of the problem. But I can't make people want to hang out. I've been regularly going to meetups now and it's about the same as pre-COVID, where instead of forming a deep bond with a few people, you get maybe 1-2 regulars and a revolving door of new people. People are just so flaky these days (I imagine many for good reason, but still).
johnnyanmac 2y ago
I feel like that's many male friendsships on or off a bike. Many are shallow and kind of bound to some sort of activity, especially physical ones. Could be societal since many male activities focus on the activity over the bonding (cliche joke: "Best friend of my life, we talked for 2 years. Never did learn his name").
- jimmaswell 2y ago
  "I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes." - Ron Swanson

yieldcrv 2y ago

> but then do you seem like a creep if you try to inveigle yourself in with them? who cares, you would not see everyone every week a lot of guys have the same anxiety, sometimes leaving the field wide open

LaGrange 2y ago

[flagged]

TomK32 2y ago
I see, you get downvotes for remote psychoanalysis... Gender-disphoria is quite rare (I read it's about 0.5% of the population) compared to other likely syndroms like ADHD (about 5%) and more importantly it shows in early childhood for three fourths of the cases, unlike e.g. ADHD which can go undiagnosed for those without the hyperactive side.
- LaGrange 2y ago
  [flagged]
  - nwiswell 2y ago
    I don't doubt you meant well, but that's a lot to infer from a couple of sentences. I think what the parent meant to imply is that this seems like the classic case of "when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."
    - LaGrange 2y ago
      [flagged]
- drowsspa 2y ago
  It's even silly, like school-level silly. A man shows a little sensitivity and the response is "are you actually a woman"?
throwanem 2y ago
Don't go looking for eggs to crack. If you're wrong, it's foolish. If you're right, it's coercive. Either way, it's insulting. Trust people to figure themselves out in their own time. You did. I did. They will too, whether you like it or not. You can make that easier or harder. What you're doing here makes it harder. I wish you wouldn't.

irdc 2y ago

> Like how many straight geeky single dads do lesbians want in their friendship group really Really? If they have kids themselves connecting to someone in a similar situation who is otherwise not like them can be really refreshing.

pmg101 2y ago
A priori you might think so. I'm just reporting my experience. To be clear - if I see any of my clubmates out on the roads, which happens a lot, we'll often briefly chat! Acquaintances are nice to have too, for sure. But we aren't inviting each other to our barbeques.

fiftyacorn 2y ago

It depends on what sort of club or ride you end up in. If you end up in a competitive group/club then its harder to make friends as people are focused on racing or the sportives and just want to get the training done While if you choose to go the cafe ride groups then you'll have people just out for a ride and a chat.

TomK32 2y ago

If you already love cycling, why no do like I did and add running to your sport routine? I know, it's painful if you aren't used to it, but I found the local Parkrun community to be a bunch to connect with much easier even for someone neurodiverse like myself, grant you we are a very small one with only 30 runners on a rainy day.

pmg101 2y ago
Haha I did have this idea too. I even did a few park runs. It's also much easier to fit into a busy schedule - a satisfying ride of 100 km takes up a whole day! However it just didn't click. I can't explain it. Cycling is so enjoyable and feels wonderful. Including climbs. Running just feels slow and constant pounding. I wish I was a runner. I'm envious of you all. But I suppose I've spent 4 decades training my body to be a cycling not a running machine.

GeoAtreides 2y ago

>in the end we were unlikely to be friends off the bike because our lifestyles were so different. ?????????????? is a lesbians lifestyle SO different than a straight male that friendship is absolutely incompatible?!! if they live in the same city as you, chances are they have the same lifestyle like you. Unless they're part of the 1% (millionaires/billionaires, famous people, etc), there's nothing in their lifestyle that would stop a friendship from forming and continuing. More and more I see segregation growing in our society, like slowly moving cracks in a glass panel. As one's identity becomes narrower, more specific, so does the Other's definition expands and, ultimately, separates. I wish people would remember we're all, all, the same, running on the same hardware, feeling the same emotions, having the same reactions and instincts, even if our life experiences might be different. Really, there are no aliens on Earth, none; it's just Us here.

gambiting 2y ago
I don't read it as "their lifestyle was so different [because they were lesbians]" - it just sounds like it was different regardless of their sexuality. Like I'm very technically minded, but I have friends who are super into arts and spiritual stuff - I'd say our lifestyles are very different, but if I said "I have a pair of gay friends and our lifestyles are very different" you could get the wrong message and think I'm insinuating that it's because they are gay.
- GeoAtreides 2y ago
  Yeah no, I read it exactly like you, nothing insinuating about anyone sexuality. It's not that group A lifestyle is very different than group B lifestyle, but that the differences are not enough to preclude friendship. Neither in OP's example, nor yours.
seba_dos1 2y ago
> if they live in the same city as you, chances are they have the same lifestyle like you. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proofs.
- 2y ago

deleted 2y ago

[deleted]

_yb2s 2y ago

It seems to me like you are pre-disqualifying yourself from connecting with people. That sounds to me like a consequence of social anxiety. There is no reason you can’t be friends with women- both straight and lesbian, and it’s not creepy to be friendly. Even if you are romantically interested in them, that isn’t inherently creepy either. I’m an athlete and many of the women in my community are happily dating men they met at the gym that were just friendly and welcoming at first. I would recommend pushing yourself to connect with people, but take it slowly- tell yourself it is okay even if it feels awkward and do one small thing at a time, like smiling and saying hi. The best fix for social anxiety is positive social experiences. The natural way people connect with new people is through a trusted intermediate- someone who can introduce you, and whose mere presence vouches for you. “Cold approaches” feel a lot more scary and awkward, although they also build a lot of confidence.

cdaringe 2y ago
I was in a cycling club years ago too. I may have not seen everyone every week and may have not formed deep friendships, but make no mistake friends were made. The amount of shared experience between peer and “friend” can be negligibly small. I haven’t seen those guys in years but I know if I reached out thered be welcoming open arms. My experience is that if you want it to be more, you have to make it more. Friendship in adulthood must be worked/earned—it doesn’t just happen. Sux—I wish it came for free like it did in childhood. Anyway, i agree with unihacker. Dont give up man. You already know how to take the first step—you’ve demonstrated as much. Be confident taking the second!

jpm_sd 2y ago

I go for long solo bike rides pretty frequently, have done some group rides from time to time. I've met a few genuinely friendly people and a lot of passive-aggressive gear snobs.

RobRivera 2y ago

I went to a running club back in Boston years ago pretty consistently. Despite being a solid runner (the ingroup would pace 6min. Miles for a good five or so), post graduation and in the start of my career (they were the same), and looking to just meet new people and be friendly on a consistent basis, they wanted nothing to do with me. It was initially disappointing, but people are diverse so I didnt let it phase me. No real happy ending other than I got some solid pacing partners for an upcoming race. Its tough meeting new friends and it takes effort

freejazz 2y ago

>but then do you seem like a creep if you try to inveigle yourself in with them? Are you asking if you seem like a creep when you talk to women? I guess it depends on what you say. I lead group rides for a prominent cycling brand in a major US city for years and no one thought it was creepy to talk to anyone.

johnchristopher 2y ago

The trick or the thing to hobbies and friendship is to do something outside of the hobbies with the people you want to be friends Wythe, otherwise you end up hobby partners and that only lasts for as long as the common hobby lasts.