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This is cathartic. Thanks. ACE 8. I was often hungry and cold. and sometimes homeless. I was poor in an area stricken with poverty (appalachia). I lived in a h

by afpx 2y ago

This is cathartic. Thanks. ACE 8. I was often hungry and cold. and sometimes homeless. I was poor in an area stricken with poverty (appalachia). I lived in a home that didn’t have half of an exterior wall, and we only had a kerosene heater. Often, there was no electric. We originally didn’t have plumbing except for an outhouse (luckily a federal program forced a corrupt contractor to tack on a shoddy bathroom to the house). No birthday or christmas presents. School was terror. I had one outfit and shoes without bottoms. A gang of boys would wait outside for me everyday until evening. I’d hide in the woods until the path was clear. Teachers would assult me. The principal put me in the hospital. The police would harrass us. The police arrested my brother for skipping school, and he ended up in juvenile detention for a year. Sexual abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse. It felt constant. My peers fared worse surprisingly. 20 friends dead before I was 24 (including two best friends and three girlfriends. Health problems, violence, suicide, drug overdoses, accidents. I effectively moved out at 14. I exchanged sex with older women for room and board. I continued my schooling though. I really lucked out honestly. Getting into the gifted program was by far the most important thing that could have happened to me. I somehow made it to undergrad. A friend turned me on to computer science when I was a junior. I spent my life savings on my first computer. I had terrible study skills and only graduated because I could derive stuff from first principles. My first job had me in a cubicle with my face to the wall. Because of previous trauma, I involuntarily jump when people come behind me. So, the job was stressful. I fired up a spreadsheet and figured I could retire early if I kept increasing my wages and reducing my expenses. I was never good at programming, but I was great at innovation and execution. I eventually got a role director of a consulting company in 2009, and I was making $150k. I felt like a badass. But, it’s been downhill from there. I have a problem with burning bridges. I’m late 40s now. I ‘retired’ during the pandemic. I’ve really struggled since then. I have little direction and self-medicate most days. I’m suicidal most days, but I keep going because I feel I owe it to all the friends I’ve lost. I doubt anyone will read this, but if you do, thanks for listening.

logical_proof 2y ago
Internet friend… please talk to someone. Use the 988 line. Mental health is only different from physical health because of societal norms. I don’t know you but please know your short description here stoked compassion in a stranger. Your life has value and meaning and impact. Thank you for sharing.
- afpx 2y ago
  Thank you for your kind and empathetic words. I’ll probably be ok. I’m medicated and my therapist and psychiatrist are aware of my ideation. I have a very supportive spouse. I live an upper middle class life. When my ideation moves into active planning is when I reach out for additional help. Honestly, I feel very fortunate.
  - foobarian 2y ago
    Did not have it nearly as bad as you but do struggle with similar issues on occasion, ultimately concluding I am fortunate and have a good situation now. But you know who I feel very bad for, is the coming generations. I feel like our age group has been so lucky to be around when the computer/internet revolution blew up. But it feels like it kinda settled down now, and there is no more easy access to it for bright young people. I hope I am wrong.
    - afpx 2y ago
      I really worry about them. We had the opportunity to build an entire industry and get in early. There were few of us (because only us 'nerds' were into computers in the 90s). And, demand increased exponentially. But, the industry has matured, the market feels saturated now. We've pumped up STEM programs to the point where everyone is doing software. I want to know how I can give back.
henryaj 2y ago
I read it. I'm so sorry for what you went through, and that times are hard. Sending hugs your way. Late 40s - you have so much of your life ahead of you! Are you medicated (with e.g. actual antidepressants)? Please explore that avenue as thoroughly as you can before doing anything drastic.
codr7 2y ago
You'll figure it out, sometimes doing nothing is exactly what is needed. Look around you, lack of direction and medication/distraction is everywhere, and unfortunately suicide. I would never judge anyone for wanting an easy out. But I do feel its missing the point of the experience. What is your passion? What makes you excited/happy?
- deleted 2y ago
  [deleted]
- afpx 2y ago
  Yeah, I'll definitely figure it out. I'm actually a fairly positive person. It's just that the brain chemicals distort my thinking, unfortunately. I'm working on a few things, and going through exercises to retrain my brain. My main issue is lack of direction. Lately, I've been happy making generative art and building things in Blender. But, I'm not sure how to turn that into something that's useful or productive.
  - kritterLane 2y ago
    This is probably one of the things that you can and should take a lot of time with. Being suicidal is not an entirely rational place, so you cannot completely rely on your own thoughts and feelings, that's why it can be so difficult to deal with. If you are a "better version of yourself" today than yesterday, or improving other people's lives even if it's just one more person's overall, you are already making a positive difference!
  - codr7 2y ago
    I would say to hell with useful, being useful is for tools, focus on happy/excited and that will eventually lead to the right place. Feeling that you have a role to play, a unique contribution to society that is appreciated, is not really the same thing as useful. But it's where you want to aim. And that includes figuring out what you are supposed to do, which is where joy/excitement plays an important role as a guide. Letting other people's expectations define your life will never work, enough people have tried and failed by now.
  - 2y ago
rwg1138 2y ago
We read it, and we're listening. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you get the help you need.
KaiserPro 2y ago
I've read this, I have little to offer, especially from this far away. However, I believe in you. I hope this helps.
glitchc 2y ago
ACE 8 is very high. Too high. I'm only ACE 4 and feel like there was significant trauma in my life. I cannot imagine the struggle and hardship attached to ACE 8. Please get some help, friend. You are too young and have much to contribute to the world. Some help and guidance will help you pull through this tough phase. 45-48 is a depressing time for most people. You will get through this.
albrewer 2y ago
> ACE 8 I married a woman who scores the same. There's so much to say. But here, I think the best thing to say is that, after years in therapy, she's finally reached the point where she feels like things might turn out OK. I know that might not mean much, if anything, to you, especially in dark moments, but maybe, hopefully, it adds a bit of fuel to the part of you that hopes things can get better.
MobileVet 2y ago
You are seen and heard. Please do reach out to 988 or similar for help. No one should go through this alone or doubting that they are loved and worthy. You are both.
carbine 2y ago
please call the hotlines when you feel this way. there are people who want to help and are super equipped to do so. even your post here makes a difference, it helps others feel seen to know that they're not alone in feeling this way sometimes. you matter, your presence matters, we need you here and you are deserving of love and happiness. please don't give up.
cheema33 2y ago
> I eventually got a role director of a consulting company in 2009, and I was making $150k. I felt like a badass... I ‘retired’ during the pandemic. I’ve really struggled since then. Honest question. I have often thought that not everybody enjoys retirement. Some people struggle to find a meaningful purpose on their own. Do you think you are in that group? And have you considered going back to work?
afpx 2y ago
Wow. I didn’t expect so much response. A little late now, but I wanted to clarify my thoughts. Being “Gifted” is far from enough. My three siblings were also considered gifted, but they didn’t do as well. My two sisters were impregnated in their teens which limited their opportunities. My brother ended up enlisting and is now a disabled veteran (and active conspiracy theorist). Of my gifted class, I believe at least 40% didn’t graduate. The ones that did well were the ones you’d expect to do well: children of lawyers, doctors, etc. I think other factors were as important to me: curiosity, academic motivation, self-image. When I was young my aunts would tell me, “you look like you’re going to be successful some day.” And, that kind of became a prophecy to me.
deleted 2y ago
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deleted 2y ago
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klann89 2y ago
Hello there, hope you are doing okay. I am sorry I haven't done the ACE test, but I am neurodivergent to a small extent for sure. Sorry for the long post in advance. Since you're talking about being suicidal, let me help you out. But before that, I will share what I can only call the most unique and unusual thing that ever happened in this world - my own life. I hope my life story will help you relate to yours to some extent so you feel better. Note: You can also connect to me and talk to me if you'd like to. We don't need to reveal any identity or information to each other in any case. I am exactly 35 years old and there's no other point of time in my life where I felt I've understood it this well. It's like I've figured it out from top to bottom and I just need to keep the consistency and balance for the rest of my life, to fill happiness in my family and actually within myself. But none of this was achieved without extreme suffering which led me to this point. I was a very happy child and a truly gifted one. I had no diagnosis for any conditions since I was thriving all my childhood, and I was very social and had a lot of friends. I started out as a kid who would paint and draw really at a very advanced level. There was no other kid in my entire school who was like that. I had, (and still have) an incredible memory and a very strong focus on things that I worked on. I remember that as I grew up I started seeing details in things no one around me would notice. I was very creative, and I was obsessed with a few subjects like blocks, making small buildings, building small gadgets etc. I had that "engineering" sense of things from the get-go. In the beginning I struggled to understand mathematics, but something clicked one day and I started acing it left and right. I was the school topper for more than 2 years and when I left to college, I struggled for a bit with video game addiction. Thanks to my parents and family, they shut me out and threw away all my gaming setups for the better. Immediately after that happened, my academics came back in full swing and I was back in the top ranks again. I also developed an addiction to porn that started at age 16. I had access to internet and a lot of free time as well, so I used it to browse for more and more porn resources, and made a huge catalog of stuff. At the age of 19, intrusive thoughts kicked in to my mind out of nowhere. They quickly occupied my entire days and hurt my self-esteem to the point where I was kicking and beating myself for being a really "bad guy". Instead of letting things go, my mind kept the battle with intrusive thoughts going, and that enormous amounts of stress affected my looks and self-esteem. And then, the downfall began. Then, as things got worse, I started my first job out of college and I gave up on my mental health issues. I woke up every day to see it as an ongoing battle with my anxiety, and it only got much worse. I absolutely suffered with extremely high anxiety for two years. Frankly, I don't even know how I was still alive going through all that. I was still never diagnosed of any condition nor was aware that this sort of mental conditions actually exist and are recognized. I was always in belief that I was just a bad guy and a loser. Self-esteem took a very heavy hit. I researched and for the first time I found out it was something called OCD. And given all of my inattentiveness and social issues, I also figured out that it was ADHD. To cope up, I visited prostitutes, and engaged in risky sex with them while still in a relationship, because I wasn't getting "good sex" within the relationship. I still had a massive confidence issue at that time, and my physical health was declining. I married someone and things were never very good between me and my wife. I continued to visit prostitutes. In retrospect I should have divorced my wife, but I never thought what I was doing was such a serious thing. Frankly, I never thought I would fully "recover" from my mental issues, but I did. My newborn kid was the source of all that confidence. He truly gave me immense happiness, and it was also the time that I realized that this sort of happiness trumps any kind of sexual pleasure and things like those. Recently, my kid was recently diagnosed with autism and it was shattering. He's doing a lot better now, and since his diagnosis ever came through, I've been a completely different man. In the early days of his diagnosis, life was very scary, and I cursed and blamed myself for giving it to him. My neurodivergence and all the stress/anxiety is most likely the reason for his diagnosis and it didn't have to be that way. I never told anyone about any of my mental health issues and my history of cheating btw. I cried in isolation for months, and was sleepless, and I was depressed, for not doing the right things in life and bringing my life, my kid's life and my wife's life to such a shape. I absolutely hated myself. Depression took over me more, and I decided to commit suicide. I was so serious about it that my view of the world started feeling different, and I suddenly started losing the sense of "me" in this world and started looking at myself from a 3rd person perspective. It was weird. I watched documentaries and stories of people who lost others to suicide and related them to myself. I wanted to make sure my family is not hurt when I go. It went on for a couple of months. I wanted to make sure everyone around me aren't disturbed so I researched some good methods to end myself and leave behind what others, including my family could use and benefit from. I set a date and made a plan for doing it. When it came closer, my kid started inspiring me by showing promise and improvement that turned out to be a last piece of hope for me. Maybe it was a signal for me to stop, I don't know. I love my little guy and the things he does so much. There is that unwavering honesty and happiness within him that I love so much. When my dad passed away, I pledged to him that I will work hard to make sure I will teach my kids what he taught me, and to share and spread love and be happy. I stepped back from the suicide plan, and I am doing considerably better now. My son continues to show promise, and I am trying real hard to be there for him. My marriage is in such a situation that a divorce at this time would not do my wife and my son very good, and will in turn ruin their mental health. At this time, I feel like I've become an expert in understanding myself. My extramarital sex has ended forever. Nothing can change that. Will I tell anyone the truth about my extramarital sex stories? No. It took a long time for me to understand that because, my mental health and the extreme anxiety suffering that I spent with zero quality of life for years was already the price I paid for it. I do not need to be penalized any more. I am going to work for my wife and my kid. I am going to make sure she is happy and that he will have the utmost success in his life. And as someone who saw the pitfalls, I will stand behind him like a mountain to guide him at every stage of his life. Am I doing the right thing? yes, I am. So I am not and must not be afraid. If god kept me alive, there is a reason, and I am here to churn and squeeze out the best out of every day in the remaining part of my life. Here's to my story, that almost makes me feel like I have been born again. @afpx, if you're considering suicide, think again, because you could say there would be nothing worse than what I've been through, in this world. And I'm still alive. Try to find and dedicate yourself for something genuine. After reading your story, it seems like your time to shine has started late. I would recommend to find some way of helping people out. There are many people in this world who want to live but are not able to, because of money and food. Do what inspires you. Maybe get your physical health and diet under control, that impacts a lot of well-being. Please reach out if you would like to and I can talk more. Thanks
atmosx 2y ago
Thanks for sharing. Hold on there, the world needs you.

by afpx 2y ago

logical_proof 2y ago

Internet friend… please talk to someone. Use the 988 line. Mental health is only different from physical health because of societal norms. I don’t know you but please know your short description here stoked compassion in a stranger. Your life has value and meaning and impact. Thank you for sharing.

afpx 2y ago
Thank you for your kind and empathetic words. I’ll probably be ok. I’m medicated and my therapist and psychiatrist are aware of my ideation. I have a very supportive spouse. I live an upper middle class life. When my ideation moves into active planning is when I reach out for additional help. Honestly, I feel very fortunate.
- foobarian 2y ago
  Did not have it nearly as bad as you but do struggle with similar issues on occasion, ultimately concluding I am fortunate and have a good situation now. But you know who I feel very bad for, is the coming generations. I feel like our age group has been so lucky to be around when the computer/internet revolution blew up. But it feels like it kinda settled down now, and there is no more easy access to it for bright young people. I hope I am wrong.
  - afpx 2y ago
    I really worry about them. We had the opportunity to build an entire industry and get in early. There were few of us (because only us 'nerds' were into computers in the 90s). And, demand increased exponentially. But, the industry has matured, the market feels saturated now. We've pumped up STEM programs to the point where everyone is doing software. I want to know how I can give back.

henryaj 2y ago

I read it. I'm so sorry for what you went through, and that times are hard. Sending hugs your way. Late 40s - you have so much of your life ahead of you! Are you medicated (with e.g. actual antidepressants)? Please explore that avenue as thoroughly as you can before doing anything drastic.

codr7 2y ago

You'll figure it out, sometimes doing nothing is exactly what is needed. Look around you, lack of direction and medication/distraction is everywhere, and unfortunately suicide. I would never judge anyone for wanting an easy out. But I do feel its missing the point of the experience. What is your passion? What makes you excited/happy?

deleted 2y ago
[deleted]
afpx 2y ago
Yeah, I'll definitely figure it out. I'm actually a fairly positive person. It's just that the brain chemicals distort my thinking, unfortunately. I'm working on a few things, and going through exercises to retrain my brain. My main issue is lack of direction. Lately, I've been happy making generative art and building things in Blender. But, I'm not sure how to turn that into something that's useful or productive.
- kritterLane 2y ago
  This is probably one of the things that you can and should take a lot of time with. Being suicidal is not an entirely rational place, so you cannot completely rely on your own thoughts and feelings, that's why it can be so difficult to deal with. If you are a "better version of yourself" today than yesterday, or improving other people's lives even if it's just one more person's overall, you are already making a positive difference!
- codr7 2y ago
  I would say to hell with useful, being useful is for tools, focus on happy/excited and that will eventually lead to the right place. Feeling that you have a role to play, a unique contribution to society that is appreciated, is not really the same thing as useful. But it's where you want to aim. And that includes figuring out what you are supposed to do, which is where joy/excitement plays an important role as a guide. Letting other people's expectations define your life will never work, enough people have tried and failed by now.
- 2y ago

rwg1138 2y ago

We read it, and we're listening. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you get the help you need.

KaiserPro 2y ago

I've read this, I have little to offer, especially from this far away. However, I believe in you. I hope this helps.

glitchc 2y ago

ACE 8 is very high. Too high. I'm only ACE 4 and feel like there was significant trauma in my life. I cannot imagine the struggle and hardship attached to ACE 8. Please get some help, friend. You are too young and have much to contribute to the world. Some help and guidance will help you pull through this tough phase. 45-48 is a depressing time for most people. You will get through this.

albrewer 2y ago

> ACE 8 I married a woman who scores the same. There's so much to say. But here, I think the best thing to say is that, after years in therapy, she's finally reached the point where she feels like things might turn out OK. I know that might not mean much, if anything, to you, especially in dark moments, but maybe, hopefully, it adds a bit of fuel to the part of you that hopes things can get better.

MobileVet 2y ago

You are seen and heard. Please do reach out to 988 or similar for help. No one should go through this alone or doubting that they are loved and worthy. You are both.

carbine 2y ago

please call the hotlines when you feel this way. there are people who want to help and are super equipped to do so. even your post here makes a difference, it helps others feel seen to know that they're not alone in feeling this way sometimes. you matter, your presence matters, we need you here and you are deserving of love and happiness. please don't give up.

cheema33 2y ago

> I eventually got a role director of a consulting company in 2009, and I was making $150k. I felt like a badass... I ‘retired’ during the pandemic. I’ve really struggled since then. Honest question. I have often thought that not everybody enjoys retirement. Some people struggle to find a meaningful purpose on their own. Do you think you are in that group? And have you considered going back to work?

afpx 2y ago

Wow. I didn’t expect so much response. A little late now, but I wanted to clarify my thoughts. Being “Gifted” is far from enough. My three siblings were also considered gifted, but they didn’t do as well. My two sisters were impregnated in their teens which limited their opportunities. My brother ended up enlisting and is now a disabled veteran (and active conspiracy theorist). Of my gifted class, I believe at least 40% didn’t graduate. The ones that did well were the ones you’d expect to do well: children of lawyers, doctors, etc. I think other factors were as important to me: curiosity, academic motivation, self-image. When I was young my aunts would tell me, “you look like you’re going to be successful some day.” And, that kind of became a prophecy to me.

deleted 2y ago

[deleted]

deleted 2y ago

[deleted]

klann89 2y ago

Hello there, hope you are doing okay. I am sorry I haven't done the ACE test, but I am neurodivergent to a small extent for sure. Sorry for the long post in advance. Since you're talking about being suicidal, let me help you out. But before that, I will share what I can only call the most unique and unusual thing that ever happened in this world - my own life. I hope my life story will help you relate to yours to some extent so you feel better. Note: You can also connect to me and talk to me if you'd like to. We don't need to reveal any identity or information to each other in any case. I am exactly 35 years old and there's no other point of time in my life where I felt I've understood it this well. It's like I've figured it out from top to bottom and I just need to keep the consistency and balance for the rest of my life, to fill happiness in my family and actually within myself. But none of this was achieved without extreme suffering which led me to this point. I was a very happy child and a truly gifted one. I had no diagnosis for any conditions since I was thriving all my childhood, and I was very social and had a lot of friends. I started out as a kid who would paint and draw really at a very advanced level. There was no other kid in my entire school who was like that. I had, (and still have) an incredible memory and a very strong focus on things that I worked on. I remember that as I grew up I started seeing details in things no one around me would notice. I was very creative, and I was obsessed with a few subjects like blocks, making small buildings, building small gadgets etc. I had that "engineering" sense of things from the get-go. In the beginning I struggled to understand mathematics, but something clicked one day and I started acing it left and right. I was the school topper for more than 2 years and when I left to college, I struggled for a bit with video game addiction. Thanks to my parents and family, they shut me out and threw away all my gaming setups for the better. Immediately after that happened, my academics came back in full swing and I was back in the top ranks again. I also developed an addiction to porn that started at age 16. I had access to internet and a lot of free time as well, so I used it to browse for more and more porn resources, and made a huge catalog of stuff. At the age of 19, intrusive thoughts kicked in to my mind out of nowhere. They quickly occupied my entire days and hurt my self-esteem to the point where I was kicking and beating myself for being a really "bad guy". Instead of letting things go, my mind kept the battle with intrusive thoughts going, and that enormous amounts of stress affected my looks and self-esteem. And then, the downfall began. Then, as things got worse, I started my first job out of college and I gave up on my mental health issues. I woke up every day to see it as an ongoing battle with my anxiety, and it only got much worse. I absolutely suffered with extremely high anxiety for two years. Frankly, I don't even know how I was still alive going through all that. I was still never diagnosed of any condition nor was aware that this sort of mental conditions actually exist and are recognized. I was always in belief that I was just a bad guy and a loser. Self-esteem took a very heavy hit. I researched and for the first time I found out it was something called OCD. And given all of my inattentiveness and social issues, I also figured out that it was ADHD. To cope up, I visited prostitutes, and engaged in risky sex with them while still in a relationship, because I wasn't getting "good sex" within the relationship. I still had a massive confidence issue at that time, and my physical health was declining. I married someone and things were never very good between me and my wife. I continued to visit prostitutes. In retrospect I should have divorced my wife, but I never thought what I was doing was such a serious thing. Frankly, I never thought I would fully "recover" from my mental issues, but I did. My newborn kid was the source of all that confidence. He truly gave me immense happiness, and it was also the time that I realized that this sort of happiness trumps any kind of sexual pleasure and things like those. Recently, my kid was recently diagnosed with autism and it was shattering. He's doing a lot better now, and since his diagnosis ever came through, I've been a completely different man. In the early days of his diagnosis, life was very scary, and I cursed and blamed myself for giving it to him. My neurodivergence and all the stress/anxiety is most likely the reason for his diagnosis and it didn't have to be that way. I never told anyone about any of my mental health issues and my history of cheating btw. I cried in isolation for months, and was sleepless, and I was depressed, for not doing the right things in life and bringing my life, my kid's life and my wife's life to such a shape. I absolutely hated myself. Depression took over me more, and I decided to commit suicide. I was so serious about it that my view of the world started feeling different, and I suddenly started losing the sense of "me" in this world and started looking at myself from a 3rd person perspective. It was weird. I watched documentaries and stories of people who lost others to suicide and related them to myself. I wanted to make sure my family is not hurt when I go. It went on for a couple of months. I wanted to make sure everyone around me aren't disturbed so I researched some good methods to end myself and leave behind what others, including my family could use and benefit from. I set a date and made a plan for doing it. When it came closer, my kid started inspiring me by showing promise and improvement that turned out to be a last piece of hope for me. Maybe it was a signal for me to stop, I don't know. I love my little guy and the things he does so much. There is that unwavering honesty and happiness within him that I love so much. When my dad passed away, I pledged to him that I will work hard to make sure I will teach my kids what he taught me, and to share and spread love and be happy. I stepped back from the suicide plan, and I am doing considerably better now. My son continues to show promise, and I am trying real hard to be there for him. My marriage is in such a situation that a divorce at this time would not do my wife and my son very good, and will in turn ruin their mental health. At this time, I feel like I've become an expert in understanding myself. My extramarital sex has ended forever. Nothing can change that. Will I tell anyone the truth about my extramarital sex stories? No. It took a long time for me to understand that because, my mental health and the extreme anxiety suffering that I spent with zero quality of life for years was already the price I paid for it. I do not need to be penalized any more. I am going to work for my wife and my kid. I am going to make sure she is happy and that he will have the utmost success in his life. And as someone who saw the pitfalls, I will stand behind him like a mountain to guide him at every stage of his life. Am I doing the right thing? yes, I am. So I am not and must not be afraid. If god kept me alive, there is a reason, and I am here to churn and squeeze out the best out of every day in the remaining part of my life. Here's to my story, that almost makes me feel like I have been born again. @afpx, if you're considering suicide, think again, because you could say there would be nothing worse than what I've been through, in this world. And I'm still alive. Try to find and dedicate yourself for something genuine. After reading your story, it seems like your time to shine has started late. I would recommend to find some way of helping people out. There are many people in this world who want to live but are not able to, because of money and food. Do what inspires you. Maybe get your physical health and diet under control, that impacts a lot of well-being. Please reach out if you would like to and I can talk more. Thanks

atmosx 2y ago

Thanks for sharing. Hold on there, the world needs you.