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ACE of 8. Only child, single mother with psychiatric problems, absent dad with psychiatric problems, I was nearly killed by him at age 4, homeless twice before
by burnte 2y ago
ACE of 8. Only child, single mother with psychiatric problems, absent dad with psychiatric problems, I was nearly killed by him at age 4, homeless twice before I was ten, no extended family to rely on at all. Mom died of Dementia at 65 when I was barely 30, and I took care of her starting when I was 25, giving up a great job in Boston.
I'm a VP of IT in a healthcare company, my third healthcare gig with this particular $12b PE investment firm. I was previously CIO twice at the others, first rising up from IT Director to Executive Director of IT, then CIO. I've been doing IT for 30+ years, and I'm damn good at it. I just cut our phone system expenses by $300k/yr, and I'm in a project to cut our EMR expense by 70% over the next 9 months. I've been a service tech, salesman, programmer, writer, author, datacenter admin, network admin, web developer, dotcom startup "CIO", and more.
I work hard, I care tremendously for my family and my employees, I love where I've managed to get, and I'm not done yet,
- deleted 2y ago[deleted]
- ljhsiung 2y agoHopefully this is not too tangential, but it's something that's been on my mind a bit recently. When you had kids (or I guess anyone who is considering having kids), did you ever fear of "passing down" your trauma? I feel that us tech workers, for all intents and purposes, have "made it," which might best position us in general to overcome and prevent a cycle of trauma to the next generation.
- pistoriusp 2y agoYes. The fear is real, and 100% more tangible when you're holding your child the first few times. Overcome with love, joy and sadness because you cannot comprehend how anyone could treat someone that they love so deeply in a bad way. I don't think "made it" is the differentiator here. It's more about emotional maturity and acceptance that you're chiefly responsible for another human beings experience of the world: What you put in can set them up, or break them down. That said, I created some rules for myself: 1. Never lie to children. It's easy to make up a story to avoid an emotional outburst. People that lie cannot be trusted, trust is the cornerstone of a relationship, don't lie. 2. Don't avoid emotions. Lean in. Feeling emotions is a human right. Let kids feel emotions. Be with them and make them feel safe. Through conversation try to dissect, explain and appreciate why they're feeling emotional. 3. Hug them. Only let go when they let go. 4. Say goodbye. Don't sneak out the house to avoid an emotional outburst. Not understanding where a parent went, or why you missed them leaving is traumatic. Say goodbye. 5. Never pretend that you'll leave them. Kid is at playground and doesn't want to leave? Never faux walk away and pretend you're leaving without them. Fear is not a parenting strategy, it's abuse. I'm sure my list will grow. My daughter is 2. I try to live with integrity, honesty and love. What I get out is pure unfettered joy.
- dennis_jeeves2 2y agoCorollary to #1: never lie to adults who are close to you.
- __rito__ 2y agoIs there a more complete list by someone else?
- Xcelerate 2y ago#1 is exceptionally powerful. My parents never lied to me or attempted to deceive me. They always emphasized telling the truth, no matter how painful the consequences might be. I’ve seen other families that lie to each other about the most trivial of things and it ends up with them all constantly feeling gaslit and not trusting each other. How horrible it would be to not have that feeling of safety and security with your own parents.
- pfdietz 2y agoThis is why we never did even ostensibly innocuous lying like Santa Claus.
- hoseja 2y agoIs #5 really that bad? Kids can be real shitheads sometimes, but you have to be willing to really go through with it.
- ravishi 2y agoYes, it is that bad. I used to do it a lot. Didn't help the slightest. As soon as I adopted an "I'll do it for you" strategy everyone's lives started to improve. Even mine.
- ravishi 2y agoYes, it is that bad. I used to do it a lot. Didn't help the slightest. As soon as I adopted an "I'll do it for you" strategy everyone's lives started to improve. Even mine.
- 2y ago
- bravetraveler 2y agoNot OP or a parent, but this is absolutely a fear of mine. I don't think I'd be actively bad for them, passively lacking in critical areas like emotional support. Hell, I don't have the energy or social skills to get to that point. Either I or the other person move on, so I just optimize the process.
- burnte 2y ago> When you had kids (or I guess anyone who is considering having kids), did you ever fear of "passing down" your trauma? No kids yet because of exactly what' you've said. I was not going to have kids until I could give them a better life, even if that means I never have them. We're actually trying now because I'm comfortable with my life and skills now.
- giantg2 2y ago"I'm damn good at it. I just cut our phone system expenses by $300k/yr, and I'm in a project to cut our EMR expense by 70% over the next 9 months." Tell me you work in PE without telling me you work in PE.
- burnte 2y agoI told you I work in PE, but that's not the point of the statement. I cut spending and improve services because I know how to spend properly. The phone system changeover gained us a lot of functionality and ease of use while cutting spending dramatically. Same with our EMR. We can get better for less, that's what I do. PE isn't the only sector that wants to cut unneeded costs.
- giantg2 2y ago"PE isn't the only sector that wants to cut unneeded costs." But PE stereotypically cuts cost in a shortsighted way.
- TigerofTao 2y ago[flagged]