4 ms·

I was recently in a relationship with someone that worked as a recruiter and thus is very much a people person. One of the frequent complaints she brought up wa

I was recently in a relationship with someone that worked as a recruiter and thus is very much a people person. One of the frequent complaints she brought up was how I could have lived to my 40s and still be so bad with people. I don't know where I'm going with this except maybe that extroverts simply do not understand introverts. They read about it and think they know our issue, but they don't understand it or don't believe it's a real thing.

interroboink 2y ago
> but they don't understand it or don't believe it's a real thing. Yeah, this seems to underlie a lot of misunderstandings. I was reading on another recent HN thread about people's ability to form mental images[1] and it shows a similar struggle of people with different minds trying to understand each other. The older I get, the more I get the sense that people can be quite different on the inside, yet live a lot of their lives being unaware or unbelieving of how much mental variety is out there. [1]https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41138338 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41138338
bloqs 2y ago
This is purely due to the empathizer-systematizer dichotomy. Give her any sort of complex system and these tables turn quickly. Interestingly, her inability to empathise with your perspective despite being people orientated indicates shes probably not the sharpest. Sorry.
- consteval 2y ago
  Au contraire, there's a difference between social skills and introversion. You can be introverted and have strong social skills. In fact, if you want to be successful, you will need strong social skills. Development is one of the few areas in which this is not the case, although the people who move up will have the strongest social skills. Some will view it as playing politics, being manipulative, what have you. But ultimately these aren't personality traits, they're skills. It's possible to be an extrovert with bad social skills, i.e. you're obnoxious. Or an introvert with fantastic social skills, i.e. you're the next CTO. Some, maybe even most, introverts don't know this. So they don't develop their skills and wonder why they don't succeed. All to say, the recruiter is 100% right. How CAN you be 40 with such poor social skills? Well, you're an introvert and everyone has told you your whole life that's not for you. So you purposefully ignore those skills.
  - charlie0 2y ago
    As you alluded to, it's also easy to forgo chasing these skills when we can make decent money just solving puzzles while only requiring the most basic of emotional intelligence.
charlie0 2y ago
This is funny because I generally have something similar for extraverts. I agree with your take that extraverts don't understand introverts and it's because our true skills lie way beyond a shallow five minute conversation.
halfcat 2y ago
”think they know our issue” I saw this once and loved it: ”I used to think I was introverted because I really liked being alone but it turns out I just like being at peace & I am very extroverted when I’m around people who bring me peace.” So, I’m breaking up with you. It’s not me, it’s you.
deleted 2y ago
[deleted]

interroboink 2y ago

> but they don't understand it or don't believe it's a real thing. Yeah, this seems to underlie a lot of misunderstandings. I was reading on another recent HN thread about people's ability to form mental images[1] and it shows a similar struggle of people with different minds trying to understand each other. The older I get, the more I get the sense that people can be quite different on the inside, yet live a lot of their lives being unaware or unbelieving of how much mental variety is out there. [1]https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41138338 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41138338

bloqs 2y ago

This is purely due to the empathizer-systematizer dichotomy. Give her any sort of complex system and these tables turn quickly. Interestingly, her inability to empathise with your perspective despite being people orientated indicates shes probably not the sharpest. Sorry.

consteval 2y ago
Au contraire, there's a difference between social skills and introversion. You can be introverted and have strong social skills. In fact, if you want to be successful, you will need strong social skills. Development is one of the few areas in which this is not the case, although the people who move up will have the strongest social skills. Some will view it as playing politics, being manipulative, what have you. But ultimately these aren't personality traits, they're skills. It's possible to be an extrovert with bad social skills, i.e. you're obnoxious. Or an introvert with fantastic social skills, i.e. you're the next CTO. Some, maybe even most, introverts don't know this. So they don't develop their skills and wonder why they don't succeed. All to say, the recruiter is 100% right. How CAN you be 40 with such poor social skills? Well, you're an introvert and everyone has told you your whole life that's not for you. So you purposefully ignore those skills.
- charlie0 2y ago
  As you alluded to, it's also easy to forgo chasing these skills when we can make decent money just solving puzzles while only requiring the most basic of emotional intelligence.

charlie0 2y ago

This is funny because I generally have something similar for extraverts. I agree with your take that extraverts don't understand introverts and it's because our true skills lie way beyond a shallow five minute conversation.

halfcat 2y ago

”think they know our issue” I saw this once and loved it: ”I used to think I was introverted because I really liked being alone but it turns out I just like being at peace & I am very extroverted when I’m around people who bring me peace.” So, I’m breaking up with you. It’s not me, it’s you.

deleted 2y ago

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