3 ms·

I like the co-evolution framing but the listing of faults on the whiteboard reminded me of https://xkcd.com/523/ https://xkcd.com/523/

bluefirebrand 2y ago
I think if you have enough problems to list them on a weekly basis, your relationship is probably in trouble I feel like healthy relationships don't have a rate of a problem or more per week
- kranner 2y ago
  I like how the xkcd seems to frame it: seeking out problems to list can cause insignificant problems to seem significant. It's how "writer's mind" can be a problem in deepening a meditation practice.
  - azzentys 2y ago
    Curious: What does "writer's mind" mean with respect to deepening meditation practice?
    - kranner 2y ago
      The mind of someone who is seeking things to write about, thus setting up new forms of craving and ego-gratification, misunderstanding transient experiences and insights to be significant milestones or fitting them into concepts that are constrained by one's ability to express them in language.
- Swizec 2y ago
  > I feel like healthy relationships don't have a rate of a problem or more per week Problems are much quicker and easier to resolve when they’re fresh and small than after you let them simmer into deep resentment. “Hey when you left that empty can on the coffee table on Friday, it made me feel like you don’t care about our shared space” vs “You always leave shit everywhere and I’m sick and tired of looking at your mess”
  - bluefirebrand 2y ago
    Bringing up issues is fine If you have so many issues you need to bring them up on a weekly basis? Less fine. Yes, relationships require work, communication and maintenance but issues coming up that frequently would be a sure sign that something is dysfunctional imo Edit: And similarly, like another commenter pointed out, treating it like a weekly task that needs to be done does seem like it would invite nit picking. Deliberately seeking out problems just to have something to talk about at the weekly retrospective There are a lot of things that my wife does that I don't like, but unless I actually have a reason beyond "that is mildly annoying to me" I don't usually ask her to stop. Part of relationships is also just learning to let the small things go.
    - patcon 2y ago
      Isn't the rate that is “trouble” up to the couple? I can imagine a really compat couple who trust one another bringing up a dozen small things, and each hearing them with humility. If they're both the sorta ppl who really want to “get” their partner, that could be them discovering the boundary between selves in higher and higher resolution I dunno, lots of ppl in the thread seem to dislike the idea, but I don’t think theres a universal healthy/unhealthy line. It’s seemingly just a matter of taste and synchrony between partners :)
      - bluefirebrand 2y ago
        > I don’t think theres a universal healthy/unhealthy line. It’s seemingly just a matter of taste and synchrony between partners I don't think there's a universal line but I also don't think that this is necessarily "up to the couple" A lot of couples are miserable together. There are abusive relationships where the person being abused will try and convince everyone around them (including themselves) that everything is fine. Some couples have frequent screaming matches in public. I think it's reasonable for people on the outside to call that unhealthy behavior regardless of how normal the couple thinks it is The same goes for this. I'm not saying that I think there is absolutely no way this sort of scheduled "weekly retro" can work. I don't think it sounds very healthy though.
- bongodongobob 2y ago
  Exactly. I started writing a list to give to my partner and as soon as the pen hit the paper I went "Shit. If I have to do this, it's already over." Relationships do require some amount of work. But if you have to make a white board and "write a program" like someone above referenced, that ain't it. We all have different tolerances but if you're writing software to keep your relationship together, you need to reflect on why it's necessary in the first place.

bluefirebrand 2y ago

I think if you have enough problems to list them on a weekly basis, your relationship is probably in trouble I feel like healthy relationships don't have a rate of a problem or more per week

kranner 2y ago
I like how the xkcd seems to frame it: seeking out problems to list can cause insignificant problems to seem significant. It's how "writer's mind" can be a problem in deepening a meditation practice.
- azzentys 2y ago
  Curious: What does "writer's mind" mean with respect to deepening meditation practice?
  - kranner 2y ago
    The mind of someone who is seeking things to write about, thus setting up new forms of craving and ego-gratification, misunderstanding transient experiences and insights to be significant milestones or fitting them into concepts that are constrained by one's ability to express them in language.
Swizec 2y ago
> I feel like healthy relationships don't have a rate of a problem or more per week Problems are much quicker and easier to resolve when they’re fresh and small than after you let them simmer into deep resentment. “Hey when you left that empty can on the coffee table on Friday, it made me feel like you don’t care about our shared space” vs “You always leave shit everywhere and I’m sick and tired of looking at your mess”
- bluefirebrand 2y ago
  Bringing up issues is fine If you have so many issues you need to bring them up on a weekly basis? Less fine. Yes, relationships require work, communication and maintenance but issues coming up that frequently would be a sure sign that something is dysfunctional imo Edit: And similarly, like another commenter pointed out, treating it like a weekly task that needs to be done does seem like it would invite nit picking. Deliberately seeking out problems just to have something to talk about at the weekly retrospective There are a lot of things that my wife does that I don't like, but unless I actually have a reason beyond "that is mildly annoying to me" I don't usually ask her to stop. Part of relationships is also just learning to let the small things go.
  - patcon 2y ago
    Isn't the rate that is “trouble” up to the couple? I can imagine a really compat couple who trust one another bringing up a dozen small things, and each hearing them with humility. If they're both the sorta ppl who really want to “get” their partner, that could be them discovering the boundary between selves in higher and higher resolution I dunno, lots of ppl in the thread seem to dislike the idea, but I don’t think theres a universal healthy/unhealthy line. It’s seemingly just a matter of taste and synchrony between partners :)
    - bluefirebrand 2y ago
      > I don’t think theres a universal healthy/unhealthy line. It’s seemingly just a matter of taste and synchrony between partners I don't think there's a universal line but I also don't think that this is necessarily "up to the couple" A lot of couples are miserable together. There are abusive relationships where the person being abused will try and convince everyone around them (including themselves) that everything is fine. Some couples have frequent screaming matches in public. I think it's reasonable for people on the outside to call that unhealthy behavior regardless of how normal the couple thinks it is The same goes for this. I'm not saying that I think there is absolutely no way this sort of scheduled "weekly retro" can work. I don't think it sounds very healthy though.
bongodongobob 2y ago
Exactly. I started writing a list to give to my partner and as soon as the pen hit the paper I went "Shit. If I have to do this, it's already over." Relationships do require some amount of work. But if you have to make a white board and "write a program" like someone above referenced, that ain't it. We all have different tolerances but if you're writing software to keep your relationship together, you need to reflect on why it's necessary in the first place.