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I parent a child with autism. The care needs are intense; the burnout is real. But I can't employ usual burnout mitigation techniques like taking time off or ma

I parent a child with autism. The care needs are intense; the burnout is real. But I can't employ usual burnout mitigation techniques like taking time off or making career / lifestyle changes. The world relentlessly marches forward. However, I've learned human resilience is AMAZING. You'll be surprised at what you are capable of when life asks for it. Here are a few big insights that have really helped me: - You never have to feel like doing something to start doing it. This insight is so strangely freeing. It really got me out of my head and the loop that I was in berating myself about motivation. - The act of doing something is usually what creates motivation to continue. Tell yourself you'll spend 30 minutes on whatever it is. No matter what it is, I always know I can survive 30 minutes of it. However, 90% of the time, the timer goes off, but I don't feel like stopping. I've found my grove and I keep going. - Procrastination isn't poor time management; it's poor emotional management. Be gentle with yourself. Know that you can be scared, frustrated, or angry but don't have to let those emotions define you. CBT works really well here. Don't define emotions as "good" or "bad". Define them as "useful". If the emotion you feel isn't useful, acknowledge it, but realize it's fleeting and let it pass on. Some people like to visualize emotions as clouds drifting by. "And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy." (My grandmother, who survived the Great Depression on a farm, had the Desiderata posted on her wall. https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html)

fatnoah 2y ago
> The act of doing something is usually what creates motivation to continue. This is one of the techniques I use when feeling burnout or overwhelmed by an insurmountable task list. I set a goal to just get one thing done. Sometimes that snowballs into getting more things done and sometime it doesn't, but at least one important thing got done, which greatly helps my mental state.
BLKNSLVR 2y ago
My parents had the Desiderata on the back of the toilet door. I've read it innumerable times, but it didn't really start meaning anything to me until well after I'd moved out and needed that kind of perspective. Also, I like all the points you've made and they ring true because I've experienced them more than a handful of times, but I still struggle to grasp their usefulness when I need it. It's funny how emotional states can be the exact opposite of what may be best at the time. Lastly, respect for parenting a child with special needs. Putting most of yourself on hold for an unknowable number of years is a rocky uphill trek. Keep a hold of yourself, but a tighter hold of them.
- neilv 2y ago
  > My parents had the Desiderata on the back of the toilet door. An addendum about the merits of fiber, hydration, and exercise could also help in difficult times.
Shrezzing 2y ago
> The world relentlessly marches forward. However, I've learned human resilience is AMAZING. You'll be surprised at what you are capable of when life asks for it. What I'm about to say obviously pales in comparison to raising a child with autism, but entering an ultramarathon/triathalon is a quite good way to experience something like this first hand in a safe environment. The amount a human can actually "go through" when it's asked of them is entirely remarkable.
- anytime5704 2y ago
  A friend of mine ran a marathon with 0 training in large part to spite me for laughing at him for saying he would. Not as extreme as an ultra, but still an unimaginable feat for most people. I wouldn’t have believed it if he didn’t wake me up to rub it in my face when he got back.
  - jrs235 2y ago
    I used to attempt things like that too (long races or tough mudders with little to no training). After doing my third tough mudder and getting injured I realized it's just stupid and a great way to cause a serious, possibly life enduring, injury.
  - SketchySeaBeast 2y ago
    Wow. Could they walk the next day? That's seriously impressive.
  - nradov 2y ago
    Most people in somewhat reasonable shape could "run" a marathon on zero training. They might take 7 hours and have some minor injuries by the end, but they could finish.
    - fwip 2y ago
      To add a personal anecdote, I once walked 25 miles in about 8-9 hours* with a heavy bag, and then showered & walked to work afterwards. I was kind of out of it, but definitely not falling-down-tired or anything like that. *I severely misjudged the length of the trip before setting out, thought it was about 5-6 miles.
StefanBatory 2y ago
I learned about Desiderata from my computer science class at secondary school in Poland. We had to style and type in a text from a piece of paper, and that was what we were given.
ravishi 2y ago
These were the observations that made the most difference in my life too. I also only learned and internalized them after my child was born. He's 3 now and I'm happy to admit that I've grown a lot thanks to him. For the first time in my life I look forward to what's to come next and feel confident to face the challenges.
badcppdev 2y ago
I'm glad you're coping with a very difficult situation. Jumping on a bit of a tangent I'm fascinated how you swap between 'I' and 'You' in your comment and how it could read differently: "Be gentle with yourself. Know that you can be scared, frustrated, or angry but don't have to let those emotions define you". could become: "I'm gently with myself. I know that I can be scared, frustrated, or angry but I don't let those emotions define me". The difference is interesting to me. Edit: You just inspired me to rewrite Desiderata in the first person. I'm not conceited enough to believe that my version is doing more than faintly echo the original text but it was a (self) enlightening process. Thanks I move placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember the peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. I speak my truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. and so on.
dtx1 2y ago
> Procrastination isn't poor time management; it's poor emotional management. Be gentle with yourself. Know that you can be scared, frustrated, or angry but don't have to let those emotions define you. CBT works really well here. Don't define emotions as "good" or "bad". Define them as "useful". If the emotion you feel isn't useful, acknowledge it, but realize it's fleeting and let it pass on. Some people like to visualize emotions as clouds drifting by. As someone who has suffered from depression and related procrastination, thank you for your kind words.
thecleaner 2y ago
This is such an amazing write up. Thank you so much for sharing ! Good luck to you.
FuckButtons 2y ago
Psa for anyone who has tried this or similar advice and found that: it actually feels physically impossible to force yourself to do things when you want to, as though you’re trying to push an immovable object, and has found that even did you manage to start something, you just feel more exhausted rather than motivated to continue. Please consider getting tested for adhd, because I spent years of my life not understanding why well meaning advice like this just made things worse for me.
- cwover 2y ago
  Thank you for posting this. You wrote it better than I could. Much respect and appreciation to the parent commenter for the good insights; for some of us though, that first bullet point is a bit of a sore spot. When I initially read the first bullet point I had to close my browser for a while. For decades, I tried to "just do things" or "find meaning in tasks" or do whatever other advice I could find. About a year ago, I finally went to a doctor, got diagnosed, and started trying different medications. It took months to find the right combo of meds, but once we did I was astonished at how I could now also "just do things" (at least, for part of each day). The meds aren't perfect--I have good days and not-so-good days--but I am thankful to have some predictability now as to when I will be functional. Also, for those starting out, it might take a few tries to find the right med(s). For me, just a stimulant or just an antidepressant didn't do much, but a stimulant and an antidepressant together has made a great improvement in my life.
- localghost3000 2y ago
  Diagnosed. Today is day 1 of meds. Wish me luck!! Everything the GP comment said is still worth considering. It’s just that you might need some assistance if you’re neurodivergent. Also remember that it’s a spectrum and to be kind to yourself.
  - soulofmischief 2y ago
    Good luck, hoping the best for you. ADHD is no joke, it can be extremely debilitating. I was force-fed medication throughout my childhood and couldn't stand the physical side effects, which opened the door for several abuse-related traumas. Now that I'm approaching 30, I am considering getting back on medication. For the last 15 years, I've relied solely on caffeine and weed to medicate which is great for what it is, but just not enough, and sometimes counteractive to my goals.
7bit 2y ago
I value your comment. It revealed some thoughts I never Had, especially your first point. When you talked about procrastination, ist reminded me of a Video that I watche every time I feel that procrastination overwhelms my life, which ist usually every 1-3 years.If you dont already know it, i Hope you enjoy it: https://youtu.be/mhFQA998WiA?si=YoO06S48xo8H5fKq https://youtu.be/mhFQA998WiA?si=YoO06S48xo8H5fKq
PaulStatezny 2y ago
> - You never have to feel like doing something to start doing it. > - The act of doing something is usually what creates motivation to continue. > - Procrastination isn't poor time management; it's poor emotional management. Thank you for sharing these. I've heard point #2 many times, but point #1 and #3 are huge insights to me!
ryanjamurphy 2y ago
I've recently heard #1 and #2 succinctly said as "Inspiration follows action."

fatnoah 2y ago

> The act of doing something is usually what creates motivation to continue. This is one of the techniques I use when feeling burnout or overwhelmed by an insurmountable task list. I set a goal to just get one thing done. Sometimes that snowballs into getting more things done and sometime it doesn't, but at least one important thing got done, which greatly helps my mental state.

BLKNSLVR 2y ago

My parents had the Desiderata on the back of the toilet door. I've read it innumerable times, but it didn't really start meaning anything to me until well after I'd moved out and needed that kind of perspective. Also, I like all the points you've made and they ring true because I've experienced them more than a handful of times, but I still struggle to grasp their usefulness when I need it. It's funny how emotional states can be the exact opposite of what may be best at the time. Lastly, respect for parenting a child with special needs. Putting most of yourself on hold for an unknowable number of years is a rocky uphill trek. Keep a hold of yourself, but a tighter hold of them.

neilv 2y ago
> My parents had the Desiderata on the back of the toilet door. An addendum about the merits of fiber, hydration, and exercise could also help in difficult times.

Shrezzing 2y ago

> The world relentlessly marches forward. However, I've learned human resilience is AMAZING. You'll be surprised at what you are capable of when life asks for it. What I'm about to say obviously pales in comparison to raising a child with autism, but entering an ultramarathon/triathalon is a quite good way to experience something like this first hand in a safe environment. The amount a human can actually "go through" when it's asked of them is entirely remarkable.

anytime5704 2y ago
A friend of mine ran a marathon with 0 training in large part to spite me for laughing at him for saying he would. Not as extreme as an ultra, but still an unimaginable feat for most people. I wouldn’t have believed it if he didn’t wake me up to rub it in my face when he got back.
- jrs235 2y ago
  I used to attempt things like that too (long races or tough mudders with little to no training). After doing my third tough mudder and getting injured I realized it's just stupid and a great way to cause a serious, possibly life enduring, injury.
- SketchySeaBeast 2y ago
  Wow. Could they walk the next day? That's seriously impressive.
- nradov 2y ago
  Most people in somewhat reasonable shape could "run" a marathon on zero training. They might take 7 hours and have some minor injuries by the end, but they could finish.
  - fwip 2y ago
    To add a personal anecdote, I once walked 25 miles in about 8-9 hours* with a heavy bag, and then showered & walked to work afterwards. I was kind of out of it, but definitely not falling-down-tired or anything like that. *I severely misjudged the length of the trip before setting out, thought it was about 5-6 miles.

StefanBatory 2y ago

I learned about Desiderata from my computer science class at secondary school in Poland. We had to style and type in a text from a piece of paper, and that was what we were given.

ravishi 2y ago

These were the observations that made the most difference in my life too. I also only learned and internalized them after my child was born. He's 3 now and I'm happy to admit that I've grown a lot thanks to him. For the first time in my life I look forward to what's to come next and feel confident to face the challenges.

badcppdev 2y ago

I'm glad you're coping with a very difficult situation. Jumping on a bit of a tangent I'm fascinated how you swap between 'I' and 'You' in your comment and how it could read differently: "Be gentle with yourself. Know that you can be scared, frustrated, or angry but don't have to let those emotions define you". could become: "I'm gently with myself. I know that I can be scared, frustrated, or angry but I don't let those emotions define me". The difference is interesting to me. Edit: You just inspired me to rewrite Desiderata in the first person. I'm not conceited enough to believe that my version is doing more than faintly echo the original text but it was a (self) enlightening process. Thanks I move placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember the peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. I speak my truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. and so on.

dtx1 2y ago

> Procrastination isn't poor time management; it's poor emotional management. Be gentle with yourself. Know that you can be scared, frustrated, or angry but don't have to let those emotions define you. CBT works really well here. Don't define emotions as "good" or "bad". Define them as "useful". If the emotion you feel isn't useful, acknowledge it, but realize it's fleeting and let it pass on. Some people like to visualize emotions as clouds drifting by. As someone who has suffered from depression and related procrastination, thank you for your kind words.

thecleaner 2y ago

This is such an amazing write up. Thank you so much for sharing ! Good luck to you.

FuckButtons 2y ago

Psa for anyone who has tried this or similar advice and found that: it actually feels physically impossible to force yourself to do things when you want to, as though you’re trying to push an immovable object, and has found that even did you manage to start something, you just feel more exhausted rather than motivated to continue. Please consider getting tested for adhd, because I spent years of my life not understanding why well meaning advice like this just made things worse for me.

cwover 2y ago
Thank you for posting this. You wrote it better than I could. Much respect and appreciation to the parent commenter for the good insights; for some of us though, that first bullet point is a bit of a sore spot. When I initially read the first bullet point I had to close my browser for a while. For decades, I tried to "just do things" or "find meaning in tasks" or do whatever other advice I could find. About a year ago, I finally went to a doctor, got diagnosed, and started trying different medications. It took months to find the right combo of meds, but once we did I was astonished at how I could now also "just do things" (at least, for part of each day). The meds aren't perfect--I have good days and not-so-good days--but I am thankful to have some predictability now as to when I will be functional. Also, for those starting out, it might take a few tries to find the right med(s). For me, just a stimulant or just an antidepressant didn't do much, but a stimulant and an antidepressant together has made a great improvement in my life.
localghost3000 2y ago
Diagnosed. Today is day 1 of meds. Wish me luck!! Everything the GP comment said is still worth considering. It’s just that you might need some assistance if you’re neurodivergent. Also remember that it’s a spectrum and to be kind to yourself.
- soulofmischief 2y ago
  Good luck, hoping the best for you. ADHD is no joke, it can be extremely debilitating. I was force-fed medication throughout my childhood and couldn't stand the physical side effects, which opened the door for several abuse-related traumas. Now that I'm approaching 30, I am considering getting back on medication. For the last 15 years, I've relied solely on caffeine and weed to medicate which is great for what it is, but just not enough, and sometimes counteractive to my goals.

7bit 2y ago

I value your comment. It revealed some thoughts I never Had, especially your first point. When you talked about procrastination, ist reminded me of a Video that I watche every time I feel that procrastination overwhelms my life, which ist usually every 1-3 years.If you dont already know it, i Hope you enjoy it: https://youtu.be/mhFQA998WiA?si=YoO06S48xo8H5fKq https://youtu.be/mhFQA998WiA?si=YoO06S48xo8H5fKq

PaulStatezny 2y ago

> - You never have to feel like doing something to start doing it. > - The act of doing something is usually what creates motivation to continue. > - Procrastination isn't poor time management; it's poor emotional management. Thank you for sharing these. I've heard point #2 many times, but point #1 and #3 are huge insights to me!

ryanjamurphy 2y ago

I've recently heard #1 and #2 succinctly said as "Inspiration follows action."