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I always felt a sense of betrayal when someone sought a new partner after their spouse dies. But when I read a passage by Freeman Dyson about Feynman's trip to

I always felt a sense of betrayal when someone sought a new partner after their spouse dies. But when I read a passage by Freeman Dyson about Feynman's trip to Santa Fe to meet his new girlfriend, my view has significantly shifted. Dyson (or perhaps someone else; I don't recall exactly) spoke of Feynman as someone who cannot stay out of a romantic relationship for too long. Some men just always want to love and be loved.

tasuki 2y ago
> I always felt a sense of betrayal when someone sought a new partner after their spouse dies. Why?
- jhbadger 2y ago
  right? I mean even the traditional marriage vows (which given the possibility of divorce aren't really to be taken literally) include the phrase "until death do us part", implying that you are free to find somebody else once your partner has died.
  - Aeolun 2y ago
    I think remaining unmarried after a death is mostly a function of the amount of effort it takes to build that connection again. For some it may seem preferable to keep true to a memory.
    - jhbadger 2y ago
      Oh, absolutely. I've never been married, but after my SO died, it was over a decade before I started dating again because I absolutely hate that part of starting a relationship.
criddell 2y ago
If you die before your partner, do you want them to remain single the rest of their lives? If that were to happen to me, I definitely want my wife to love and be loved again.
- seanhunter 2y ago
  There is an absolutely heartbreaking(to me at least) moment in the classics in "Sayings of the Spartan Women" when Leonidas is leading his men to Thermophylae to almost certain death at the hands of the Persians his wife asks him what she should do if he dies and he says "Marry a good man, and bear good children." I think this is amazing. He wants her to lead a happy and full life. I for sure would want that for my wife if I was to die first. I love her to bits and would want her to be happy.
  - jll29 2y ago
    That's because true love is unselfish. The idea of a couple that belongs together beyond death might sound romantic but is ultimately too tough on the one left behind, especially if the loving couple are separated with the "leftover" still being relatively young. (On a side note, I'm positively excited to read a quote on HN that dates from about 480 before Christ. It surely is still relevant two and a half thousand years later.)
- jseliger 2y ago
  I'm facing just this problem and would not: https://jakeseliger.com/2023/08/30/turning-two-lives-into-one-or-things-that-worry-me-about-bess-after-im-gone/ https://jakeseliger.com/2023/08/30/turning-two-lives-into-on...
- smeej 2y ago
  I've even heard stories where the one who is dying offers advice to the one who will survive about which of their single friends would likely make the best match. And why not? Who knows the remaining spouse better than the departing one? Who has better insight than that? It seems like a deeply loving thing to do. Even though her death was sudden and there was no chance to prepare for it, it makes me smile to know my sister's widower married someone who knew and loved my sister too. And it's probably easier for the second spouse this way too, because she does have context for her husband's grief. She also grieves the anniversary of my sister's death, obviously not in the same way, but with an understanding that someone who didn't know my sister would struggle to have.
- 2y ago
Spooky23 2y ago
I lost my wife to cancer after a brief struggle a year ago. Everyone is different, and you don’t know what or how you’ll feel unless it happens to you. For example, at a point, I felt guilty for not being sad. My son and I went to the beach and had a great time. I felt an intense guilt afterwards. But I focused on fitness and other things and tried to make each day better. Time and positive work heals. In terms of love, etc, the heart has room. Some people are ready before the body is cold, others take years to contemplate a relationship. All i can offer is that as someone who has walked a mile in these shoes, I’d never cast a negative judgement on widower/widow behavior that isn’t plainly reckless.

tasuki 2y ago

> I always felt a sense of betrayal when someone sought a new partner after their spouse dies. Why?

jhbadger 2y ago
right? I mean even the traditional marriage vows (which given the possibility of divorce aren't really to be taken literally) include the phrase "until death do us part", implying that you are free to find somebody else once your partner has died.
- Aeolun 2y ago
  I think remaining unmarried after a death is mostly a function of the amount of effort it takes to build that connection again. For some it may seem preferable to keep true to a memory.
  - jhbadger 2y ago
    Oh, absolutely. I've never been married, but after my SO died, it was over a decade before I started dating again because I absolutely hate that part of starting a relationship.

criddell 2y ago

If you die before your partner, do you want them to remain single the rest of their lives? If that were to happen to me, I definitely want my wife to love and be loved again.

seanhunter 2y ago
There is an absolutely heartbreaking(to me at least) moment in the classics in "Sayings of the Spartan Women" when Leonidas is leading his men to Thermophylae to almost certain death at the hands of the Persians his wife asks him what she should do if he dies and he says "Marry a good man, and bear good children." I think this is amazing. He wants her to lead a happy and full life. I for sure would want that for my wife if I was to die first. I love her to bits and would want her to be happy.
- jll29 2y ago
  That's because true love is unselfish. The idea of a couple that belongs together beyond death might sound romantic but is ultimately too tough on the one left behind, especially if the loving couple are separated with the "leftover" still being relatively young. (On a side note, I'm positively excited to read a quote on HN that dates from about 480 before Christ. It surely is still relevant two and a half thousand years later.)
jseliger 2y ago
I'm facing just this problem and would not: https://jakeseliger.com/2023/08/30/turning-two-lives-into-one-or-things-that-worry-me-about-bess-after-im-gone/ https://jakeseliger.com/2023/08/30/turning-two-lives-into-on...
smeej 2y ago
I've even heard stories where the one who is dying offers advice to the one who will survive about which of their single friends would likely make the best match. And why not? Who knows the remaining spouse better than the departing one? Who has better insight than that? It seems like a deeply loving thing to do. Even though her death was sudden and there was no chance to prepare for it, it makes me smile to know my sister's widower married someone who knew and loved my sister too. And it's probably easier for the second spouse this way too, because she does have context for her husband's grief. She also grieves the anniversary of my sister's death, obviously not in the same way, but with an understanding that someone who didn't know my sister would struggle to have.
2y ago

Spooky23 2y ago

I lost my wife to cancer after a brief struggle a year ago. Everyone is different, and you don’t know what or how you’ll feel unless it happens to you. For example, at a point, I felt guilty for not being sad. My son and I went to the beach and had a great time. I felt an intense guilt afterwards. But I focused on fitness and other things and tried to make each day better. Time and positive work heals. In terms of love, etc, the heart has room. Some people are ready before the body is cold, others take years to contemplate a relationship. All i can offer is that as someone who has walked a mile in these shoes, I’d never cast a negative judgement on widower/widow behavior that isn’t plainly reckless.